Yup, I Said It: Red Velvet (Everything) Is Overrated » VSB

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Yup, I Said It: Red Velvet (Everything) Is Overrated

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I don’t remember exactly where I was or when it was the first time I tried red velvet cake. If it was like any other of my notable firsts, it likely occurred in a Delta’s living room while debating whether the cocker spaniel Noreaga referenced at the beginning of “Superthug” was male or female. But, I don’t remember, so I don’t know.

What I do remember, though, is how I felt when first trying it. Because it’s the exact same way I’ve felt after every time I’ve tried it since; a feeling that can best be described as whatever feeling you feel when you say “This is…cool.

Not “This is…bad.” Because, aside from this party I went to a couple years ago when someone sat a vanilla cake underneath a pan of green bean casserole and the green bean casserole fumes somehow seeped into the cake making the cake taste like vanilla green bean casserole, I’ve never had bad cake. Because cake is either great or, at worst, decent. Even stale cake is just hard-ass cake that, in comparison to most other things, still isn’t that bad tasting. There are worse things in the world than two-week-old cake. If you put a gun to my head right now and said “eat this two-week-old cake or listen to an entire Big Sean LP,” I’d eat the fuck out of that cake.

But, there has never been a point in my life when, after eating some red velvet cake, I thought to myself “Gotdamn! This is amazing! Are you tasting this? Are you seeing my face as I taste this? I need to meet the elf who thought to make a red velvet motherfucking cake! And I will smack the shit out of that red velvet motherfucking cake making elf for making me feel this way. I thought the only red foods I’d ever love would be watermelon and red Kool-Aid. But I was wrong. I was so damn wrong. Give me some more red velvet motherfucking cake.

Apparently, I’m alone in being underwhelmed by red velvet cake. Because just saying the words “red velvet” gets people so verklempt they start finishing your sentences with hysterical red velvet wishes.

“Wait…did you say you’re making a red velvet turkey for Thanksgiving this year?”

“You said you only use red velvet condoms? Where do you even get those? Can I have some?”

This wave of red velvet orgasmia crescendoed earlier this month, when Oreo announced they would soon debut red velvet Oreos. Apparently, they’re timing this move to coincide with Valentine’s Day. Which makes perfect sense. Because red velvet is nothing but chocolate in red spandex, and “Valentine’s Day” is nothing but “literally any other day but in a red thong.

Still, if you love red velvet, and you’re upset I’m hating on your red velvet cake, your red velvet cookies, and your God-awful red velvet ice cream, don’t fret too much. It’s a win-win for both of us. I’ll continue not to pretend that red velvet is the best thing since the “Superthug” chorus, and you’ll have more of these average-ass desserts for yourself.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Real.

  • maybe it’s because I’m a pie with ice cream man, but I never understood these cake wars. Red velvet is cool. Not the beginning or end of the world though

    • MeridianBurst

      Warm brownies with ice cream.

    • Rachmo

      I am a pie woman at heart. Warm pie a la mode is everything.

      • Basic/classic warm apple pie with a scope of vanilla > the best cake.

        • Rachmo

          My basic heart just started racing.

          • Imma make some tonight and save you some.

        • IcePrincess

          Make it peach pie, & you’re correct mi amigo

  • that one girl

    googles superthug

  • Once I finally saw the light and realized that cream cheese frosting was not a specific to red velvet thing, I hopped off the bandwagon. Truth is, many red velvets being peddled today are weak chocolate with a fckton of red food coloring anyway. Not just regular tint-y red, but OMG IS THAT A STOP LIGHT CAKE?! red.

  • Red Velvet is weak chocolate. Chocolate Cake made with real cocoa is stupid hard to dye red. I know I’ve tried. The only way to make it red is to weaken it by using less chocolate which now makes it some hybrid of weak chocolate/yellow cake with red dye in it. Its not bad, but for all that I would rather just eat chocolate cake.

    • MeridianBurst

      “Chocolate Cake made with real cocoa is stupid hard to dye red.” I was just thinking this.

  • Nicholas Peters

    I smell the hate..all the way in Washington, DC….Chocolate is second to worst only to Carrot (who puts a vegetable in a cake?) with vanilla coming in a close 2nd

    • Carrot cake is devine

    • LMNOP

      So you hate chocolate, carrot AND vanilla cakes?

      That is so sad :(

      • HeyBooHey

        Not one of them? Damn, who stole that man’s joy??

    • I am with you on the dislike of Chocolate Cake, but Carrot Cake?

    • Amazonian Midget

      Carrot cake is disgusting….and I’m a vegetarian.

      • MeridianBurst

        This made me laugh so hard. I used to HATE carrot cake when I was a kid but I love it now. Same with brussel sprouts.

        • Amazonian Midget

          I love brussel sprouts…still hate carrot cake! lol

    • Charlisia Nwachukwu

      What.. Give me a Vanilla cake with Vanilla icing any day..

      • Nicholas Peters

        I must have typed it wronk…Red Velvet is #1 Vanilla is #2

    • MeridianBurst

      Can we stop pretending carrot cake isn’t the best thing ever? Kthanx.

      • Nicholas Peters

        It is the WORST thing ever

        • MeridianBurst

          rofl!

  • Sigma_Since 93

    GET BEHIND ME SATAN!!!!!

  • 909girl601world

    You are not alone! Red Velvet has got to be the most overhyped ish since…I dunno, Beyonce. Sitting around looking pretty is what they do best.

  • moist red velvet cake is smashable.

  • JayWill

    Red Velvet sounds better than plain old chocolate.I remember when I was super hyped for a Red Velvet Cheesecake. To this day I have no reason why because I don’t like cheesecake…it was the Red Velvet Appeal that got me though.

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