You’re Probably A Country Ass Negro If You Know Any of These People » VSB

Featured, Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics

You’re Probably A Country Ass Negro If You Know Any of These People

iStock

 

I know I’m not the only one that felt some type of way when Damon continued his unwarranted attack on grits. It’s like he went into a Juneteenth celebration and yelled, “This is a fake 4th of July!” But don’t worry my country black people. I’m here to reaffirm your country-fied blackness to a new level beyond our beloved grits, sugar or no sugar. Here are the top black people you’ll run into in the country. Note: You should read the rest of this article with Big K.R.I.T.’s “Country Shit” playing in the background and a pot of neck bones simmering on the stove for your supper (pronounced suh-puh).

Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie. Shug is a nickname for sugar bear. (No relation to this Sugar Bear, at all.) It’s a nickname often given to someone with a sweet personality, just like Cookie. This is a paradox for two main reasons. One, you would think someone with such a simple nickname would have a just as simple real name. However, their real name often sounds like something from a Shakespearian play, like Thelonious Monk, III or Bartholomule. Two, Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie are often not sweet at all. They will expose your dirty draws. If they don’t like your girlfriend, “What are you doing with her fat, ugly ass? You know you could do better.” If you’re in a slump, “What your lazy ass been up to? You can’t work.” Yeah, every country black person knows an Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie that is both crass and entertaining.

Dude named after an inanimate object. Names include Spoon, Cornbread, Diamond, Train, Pork Chop, Cucumber, Crawfish Stain, or any street name. How did they get these names? I don’t know. What are their real names? I don’t know. These country bamas are the country-est of the country-est. They’re about 40 years old riding a low-speed bike. They’re that cousin that your grandma always says “smells like outside”—a combination of freshly cut grass, gasoline and musk. This is often because they walk around with a lawnmower soliciting to cut your grass for $10-20.

Dude named after an animal. Duck, Raccoon, Rabbit, Horse, Dolphin, Kangaroo, Honey Badger, Koala Bear, Wombat, Timon and Pumbaa. These are all names of the slick talker you’ll find in the country. He often talks with a heavy tongue, speaks with a strong accent (especially when pronouncing words like “shrimp” and “thunder”), has one or two gold teeth, and is more than likely a retired plug. Believe nothing this mofo says.

Lady Jean aka the Food Plug. She can cook up a storm. Why a storm? IDK. But if there was a hurricane named Jean on its way, the whole neighborhood would stay because we know the food would be LIT! Jean is the food plug for weddings, baby showers, family reunions, divorce parties, repasses, etc. The conversation of any event often centers around Jean’s cooking. Me, “Guh, where you at?” Her, “I’m at the repass.” Me, “Who did the repass?” Her, “You know Jean threw down.” Me, “Oh my God! Bring me a plate…by the way…who passed?”

Niecy. Niecy is the girl your grandmother calls hussy under her breath each time you mention her name. She’s young, or at least appears to be, and is what others would traditionally call a gold-digger. She always has money, drives a big body (a Camaro or Challenger) and always carry a Gucci hand bag full of money. How does she earn this money? If you let her tell it, modeling. Truth be told, she’s fooling with a married man twice her age. You barely see her because she parties in Miami or Atlanta every other week and moves to and from Houston every six months. Whenever she returns, she acts brand new knowing damn well her sugar daddy dropped her for his wife for good.

Willie Charles, Willie Mac, Willie D. Anybody with the name Willie, but for the sake of simplicity, I’ll just use Willie Charles. He dresses like a reformed pimp even though he may have never been one. He has a damp Jheri curl (damp because it’s always 2 drips short of being dehydrated), repeatedly wears suits tailored-made by Steve Harvey, and rides around in a 1999 Cadillac DeVille bumping swing out music like “hell naw to naw naw naw.” Other accessories include a cowboy hat and some snake skin gators. (Don’t ask.) He’s basically a Bootsie Collins degenerate, and he’s also a staple within the community. He’s the bishop, the mortician, the recreation center coordinator, and the lead city council member. For real, for real, he’s the legal connect.

Donna Mae, Lisa Mae, Anna Mae, Sallie Mae. If you know anybody named Mae, you’re probably country as hell. Matter of fact, I know about four or five people with the word Mae in their names. I guess that makes me chitin juice country. Anna Mae, June Bug and nem momma, is often the matriarch of the family. She’s a God-fearing woman with much clout within the community. And because she’s so popular in the community, she knows everybody’s business. That doesn’t mean she’ll tell you though. You have to catch her slippin’. Get her while she’s upset. For instance, she just burned her pot of greens. This a fine time to ask her about Niecy. “Ain’t nobody stutin’ that nasty heifer. Then went and got the itch from sleeping with D’Brickashaw.” Yes, Anna Mae—the epitome of being country.

If you know anyway of these characters, have faith my people. Your country bama ways have been confirmed and reaffirmed.

Cypress Moss

Cypress Moss is what peak Negritude looks like. His favorite pastimes include moaning in the key of Aretha during Mufasa’s assassination in the Lion King and wearing a white fedora in the southern heat. You can catch him writing at TheRawSuga.com when the Spirit moves him.

  • Niecy

    ………

  • Mary Burrell

    Funny ?

  • “Dude named after an animal.”

    How in the he11 you gonna forget “Gator?”
    And most dudes named “Junior” fall anywhere between 2 and 92 years old…

    • QueLoQue

      I don’t know if a Junebug is an actual bug, but the name should be included somewhere on this list also.

    • miss t-lee

      I had an Uncle Junior aka Junebug #RIP

      • st george doesnt exist

        We even had a cousins Junebug. Then he just went by june. I think he still in jail

        • miss t-lee

          Ha!!! All Junebug’s lead interesting lives. My uncle included.

          • Junegirl627

            you ain’t lie my cousin junebug is well…….. lets just say he ain’t go no teeth

            • miss t-lee

              My late Uncle Junebug went to Canada for a few years to avoid being drafted, almost played professional football during the 70s, amongst a few other things. We didn’t find out most of this until he died of course.

    • Was Junior on that list? Didn’t see it.. I know a hundred Juniors

      • Exactly.

      • Junior should have been there.

      • Multi-Hundredaire

        Was just about to type this till I scrolled. I have more Juniors on my mom’s side, then I know what to do with. And on my dad’s side, and uncle named Bez, and one named Lyric. But my dad’s name is John. Country folk just DGAF.

        • Your daddy was a rebel (or his parents were)

          • Multi-Hundredaire

            You ain’t neva lied. Like they knew he was destined for bigger things than Williamsburg County, SC.

      • JustSmile

        I have an Uncle Junior and we call his son with the same name J.R…. as in the shorthand of junior lol.

    • Ess Tee

      My family is West African, but the Junior name applied for the longest. Like, I grew up calling my mom’s brother “Uncle Junior” but then when my cousins and I were teens, he started telling us to call him “Uncle [his government name]” and telling his siblings he was no longer “Junior.”

      It took a good while for it to sink in that he wasn’t “Uncle Junior” anymore.

      • Uncle Junior was trying make yall cry, lol

        • Ess Tee

          Ha! He was definitely over it, like, people I’m an adult. I’m over six feet tall and everything.

      • Keisha

        LOL…I had an Uncle Junior too. Called him that until the day he died. You can’t get rid of nicknames!

      • scribe drizz

        I have three “Uncle Juniors.”

    • Junegirl627

      I got cousins named Junior and I don’t know their real name because I call they daddy Unc. :(

      ….. dang black people :

    • Mochasister

      Chile, we got a grip of cousins named Junior. You have to say Junior and their last name to distinguish which one you’re talking about.

  • Tee

    Willie Charles/Willie Earl reminds me of a guy I knew from back home. Except his first name is Lieutenant. Yes, his momma really named him Lieutenant and his hair was always curled with the finest hair rollers.

    • IsitFridayyet?

      I am related to a “Governor” .

      • I know a “Spoon”…I think he’s been drinking since grade school.

    • miss t-lee

      Of course it was! LOL

    • Julian Green

      One of my mom’s cousins is named “Commodore”.

  • Epsilonicus

    4 of these apply for me…

    • IsitFridayyet?

      5 apply for me and the last one fits me due to my family-given nickname.

  • IsitFridayyet?

    Why do I feel judged after reading this list?

  • You may be super country if you and another sibling are referred to as “Little ” even though you are more than a foot taller and outweigh your daddy by a hundred pounds. This also applies if you aren’t even the same gender as your daddy.

    You refer to your father exclusively as your “daddy.”

    You treat dangerous animals like snakes the same way you treat law enforcement. You aren’t necessarily scared of them but you would probably not want them in your presence.

    You know someone who might know a guy who makes stump-hole liquor.*

    You know someone who sells unlicensed alcohol without a license a/k/a the beer and liquor on Sunday plug.**

    ***Both men may be named “Gator”

    If 1/3 of your town’s population consists of prison inmates.

    Uncle Shug and Aunt Cookie- I don’t have a Shug or Cookie but I have plenty of Aunts, uncles, and older cousins who don’t go by their government names but answer to “Bossy” “Polly” and “Shorty”. Some of those names I didn’t now until they passed away and my parents looked at me like “You didn’t know their name was….?”

    Dude named after an inanimate object- I’ve met men named shot and pistol!

    Dude named after an animal – Gator!!!!

    I know so many “May’s” “Mae’s” and hyphenated versions of both that it isn’t funny.

    #SCAF

    • Tee

      Shot and pistol is interesting.

    • miss t-lee

      “You refer to your father exclusively as your “daddy.”

      Guilty.

      “You know someone who sells unlicensed alcohol without a license a/k/a the beer and liquor on Sunday plug.”

      OMG, yes!

    • Cleojonz

      Are these thing country or are they just blackness? lol.

      My brother is the little in the equation and he stopped being little to my daddy decades ago. I’ll take it a step further and say my dad was reffered to as Big. So people would ask which one big or little when talking about them. And yes my daddy will ALWAYS be daddy to me and he is granddaddy to all the grands.

      • “Are these thing country or are they just blackness”

        It might be.

      • Mochasister

        Granddaddy! I love that term. I still call my father Daddy even though I am good and grown.

    • Abby

      Aw man, that “didn’t know their government name until they passed” is deep. Many a conversation at many a home-going. Usually with a “Mae.”

  • miss t-lee

    I mean I didn’t need this list to know that I’m country, but anyways…lol
    I got three ainnies (catch that!), with the middle name of Mae. Family members with animal nicknames, etc.
    I could go on and on, but you and I already know I’m country. I just hide it well, but it’s always there lurking under the surface…like herpes.

    • My best friend’s mama and all of her sisters are something “Mae.”

      • miss t-lee

        Yup. It was the custom at the time.
        Kinda like how since I was born in the late 70s I know 50-11 Jessica’s and Jennifer’s, and almost everyone has the middle name of Ann.

        • The male version of “Mae” is “Lee” whether it be Sammy or Johnny Lee.

          • miss t-lee

            Or Wayne

      • Lady Legasus

        White people do it too! My husbands family on his mother side they all have the middle name Marie. They from the backwoods of Wisconsin.

    • Tee

      My mom’s aunts are all “Mae”. Etta Mae, Irma Mae, Mary Mae, Ida Mae.

      • miss t-lee

        Yup!

      • HoobaStankyLeg

        Maybe there is a matriarchal connection with this cause all mine are Lee’s….

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Mine too. Lees and Anns.

          • HoobaStankyLeg

            Chile, we might be kin.

            • ChokeOnThisTea

              Might be! Lol

    • Kenyatta

      Oh Lawd I thought my moms relatives were the only people on the plantation to call folks ainnie!

      • HoobaStankyLeg

        Ainnie, or T. Followed by whatever the Auntie’s name is. T-Sarah, T-Shirley….

        • Shayla Monroe

          I have an Ainnie, too! I thought we were the only ones.

        • Jennifer

          One of my Louisiana friends has a T-Pat and T-Pam. We’ve all taken to calling them that.

      • miss t-lee

        I’ve said ainnie since I was a kid…lol My one bougie aunt *hates* it. I can hear her now, “don’t call me that, it sounds so dayum country!!”

        Now, I do it extra loud on purpose.

        • Kenyatta

          Good tell her don’t be ‘shamed of being country

          • miss t-lee

            LOL She knows what time it is.

    • brothaskeeper

      Um….

      • miss t-lee

        What?

    • Crystal J @ DD Goose

      I didn’t know “Ainnie” wasn’t my aunt’s real name until she died!! I was 22!!

      • miss t-lee

        Oh dear…lol

    • Jennifer

      To add to the Mae thread:

      -We had 2 Willie Maes in and connected to our family. They are a hybrid of the Willie and Mae sections of this post. Christian ladies who could gossip and had jheri curls through the 80s…and 90s.

      -My grandmother was an Oliver Mae. Wypipo always thought this was a typo and tried to call her Olivia Mae. That would send my God-loving granny on a cursing spree. It was hilarious!

      • miss t-lee

        Your granny said put some respeck on my name, mayne!
        I love it. I stay having to correct folks on my name, so I feel her pain.

  • I don’t qualify but I would like to so if someone knows any of these people, please add me to your Facebook group . Wait, wait- I have an Uncle Willie! Also, I knew this guy at school called Dee Willie. Yes, him mum named him after Billy Dee Williams and none of us even knew who that was until about 7 years ago

  • MissusMaxwell

    Someone called our house when I was a little girl and asked to speak to ‘Chick’. I told them they had the wrong number. My daddy heard me and asked who the person wanted. I told him and he laughed and told me he was Chick. I think that certifies my country card.

    • miss t-lee

      I love it.

    • Chick sounds like a pool hustler that never loses, lol

      • brothaskeeper

        Always has a knot in his pocket and has a new car every month.

      • NEVAH

    • BJenks

      haha, my Grandma is Chick and my Granddaddy is Tac. My other grandparents are Fox and Dute/Doot (idk what a Dute is tho)

      • Tee

        Those are some cute a s s names though.

      • Gbadebo

        ….hmmm….do people refer to your g-ma as Dute to her face? And does she happily respond?
        Because I just googled Dute too….and that ain’t right to call g-ma

        • BJenks

          man I don’t know, I need answers, I’m bout to call my cousins. Also on a related note, not only do I have a relative nicknamed Coochie, but I know of quite a few other people with that nickname too growing up. So maybe there’s a generational thing where it meant something completely different first?

          • Gbadebo

            I would want answers too….but I’m not sure I would be ready to hear the truth….
            Are you ready to hear what might be the truth?!? Maybe it’s just best to let this lie…

          • Mochasister

            Coochie?! As in a certain part of the female anatomy? Lawd, hab mercy!

            • BJenks

              right, but I guess it might make sense in terms of people saying “coochie-coochie coo” to babies.

              • Mochasister

                Lol! I prefer this reasoning over the other. I didn’t even think of the babies explanation.

      • Yay Radley

        *resists the urge to Google dute.*

        *temporarily*

        • Rizzo

          couldn’t resist google. laughed so hard my side hurt.

      • Maybe like singing- Doot doot? Hopefully not the other one…

      • Stefanie Kelly

        lolololololololol

    • Mochasister

      Lol! Something similar happened to me when I was a kid. I was at my grandmother’s house when the phone rang. I answered and the person said may I speak to “Bunch.” Confused, I said there’s no one here by that name. My grandmother overheard and laughing told me the phone was for her.

    • I had an Uncle Skook. To this day I don’t know why, but I don’t think that was country, I’m from Ohio. His real name was Booker T. Yancey which I didn’t find out until I was a teenager.

      • CozyVon

        LOL at not finding out real names until near adulthood…I think I was in my early 20s when I found out my Aunt Bug’s real name was Yolanda, lol. I heard the name & was all, “Who’s Yolanda???”

More Like This