Theory & Essay

Your Most Embarrassing Moment…Ever

***Couple quick announcements before we get started today***

—You may have noticed (and by “you may have noticed” I mean “you definitely didn’t notice, but I’ll telling you anyway”) that the “Buzz/Press” section on our page has been updated. It had been neglected for far too long, and the additions are due to the hard work of one of our awesome interns, Mylon P. Medley. The page is living and breathing — it’ll continually be updated with edits and additions — so make sure to check it out if you get a chance.

—I’ll be in Philly today for the Blogging While Brown conference, to appear on a panel with the homies Kaniesha Grayson and Michelle Talbert. If you’re in the area — or if you just know where to get the best cheesesteaks and shit — hit me up on Twitter, in the comments, or at contact@verysmartbrothas.com. If you do come to conference, I’ll be the one with the egghead and the “I Love Bougie Black Girls” t-shirt.

R.G., our first Very Smart Single, is still rocking the hell out of that dress. Fellas (and ladies too, I guess), hit us up at contact@verysmartbrothas.com with “Very Smart Singles: R.G.” as the subject if interested in getting to know her better.

—Lastly, on Saturday, June 2, 2012, we’ve got another edition of REMINSCE at Liv Nightclub coming up! Except this time, we’re gonna be celebrating Panama’s birthday! Please come out and hang the VSB team.

Plus, it’s free before 11pm w/RSVP (reminiscedc.eventbrite.com) and $10 after. AND there’s an open bar from 930-10:30 WITH NO DRESS CODE. You can come in shorts because it gets HOT in there.

You know those assholes who never, ever, ever get sick and always feel the need to remind everyone any chance they get of the fact that they never, ever, ever get sick? You don’t? Well, congratulations. You’ve just met one of those assholes: Me.

I’m the guy who has never taken a true sick day at work and loves to remind people of that; the guy who will rock a blazer and a t-shirt on a 40 degree day and laugh at everyone who says I’m going to get sick; the guy who dated a person who had the freakin swine flu (seriously), slept in the same bed with her two nights in a row, and didn’t get as much as a sniffle.

Now, if this were a movie, the “I never get sick” guy would undoubtedly get some mysterious exotic elephant illness towards the middle of the movie as some sort of karmic payback for him incessantly bragging about his immune system. This character would probably be played by Jim Carrey or Dane Cook, and the title of the movie would probably be “Sick Day” or “No Flu Lou” or some shit.

My life isn’t a movie, but as you would have it, that exact thing happened to me. In early December I came down with some mysterious illness that kept me in bed for three days and made me take — no lie — approximately 40 shits in a 48 hour span. (Seriously, it got so bad that I actually fell asleep on the toilet three or four separate times because I was spending so much time sitting there)

By the 4th day, I started to feel strong enough to get out of bed and eat something. I was still very sick, but I was definitely getting better. By the fifth day, I was feeling so much better that I decided to leave the house. I had just received a phone call that the Ebony Magazine that had VSB on the Power 100 list was finally in stores, and I went to Giant Eagle to purchase a few copies.

You know how in horror movies, every thing is good until one of the characters makes a really, really bad decision? Well, going to Giant Eagle in the condition I was in was me basically saying “Hey, lets go skinny-dipping in the same lake where that guy who killed all those kids last summer was last seen!!!”

When I first entered the store, everything was cool. I was still very weak from being sick for so long, but I was able to move around pretty well, my stomach wasn’t too upset, and I was basically just happy to be leaving the house and getting some fresh air. But, as I neared the magazine section, I felt a slight rumble in my stomach. Seconds later, the slight rumble started turning hot — the heat that tells you some liquid is getting ready to leave your body very violently very soon.

Still, although I felt this, I thought that I had enough time to pick up the magazine, head to the register, and get back home before I eventually exploded. I was wrong. Very wrong. I underestimated the violent intent of the brown liquid itching to leave my body, and I definitely also underestimated how weak the 72 hours of shitting had made my sphincter.

By the time I realized that I needed to forget about everything and just head the f*ck home as soon as possible, it was too late. There I was, a grown-ass Black man with multiple tattoos, a Dodge Charger, and a full beard, and I shit myself in the middle of a f*cking supermarket.

Luckily, no one was close enough to me around me to notice, but that was a small consolation as I dealt with the fact that in less than 15 seconds, I’d gone from “a guy who doesn’t shit on himself in supermarkets” to “a guy who shits on himself in supermarkets.” Not a status I was ready to accept.

Getting home was also a bit of an ordeal. Since I (understandably) didn’t want to sit on the seats in my car, I ended up getting a few plastic grocery bags that were on a table near where I was parked, spread them on my seats, and sat on them. I have no idea where these bags came from, who put them there, or what was in them before I sat on them. But, when you’re walking around with a half cup of diarrhea dripping down your leg, you’re not exactly in a place to be making rational decisions.

To add insult to injury, I got the following text message when I finally made it home::

“My bad, Damon. The Ebony with VSB in it doesn’t actually hit stores until next week”

Motherf*cker!

Anyway, people of VSB: You just heard mine, and I’m curious to hear about the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever had.

We’re all fam here. Don’t be scurred to share.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/RandGAreZombies The Other Jerome

    Wow! Uh…….. yeah.

    • GypsyCurl

      Not my embarrassment but my boyfriend peed in the bed a few months ago. Thankfully it was his bed.

      • Double_Dizze

        WOW. I’m even embarrassed.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        @ GC

        awwwww. I would so hug him after the fact. Men peeing have a special place in my heart, read prostate cancer. I’m not saying that yours has that oo!

        • GypsyCurl

          I felt sorry for him because he wasn’t sick. He just had a full bladder and didn’t wake up in time. He has a hard time waking up. I did ponder if it was worth breaking up with him. I want a poll on how many women would break up with a man if he peed in the bed (just once and not caused by a disease/illness).

          • ohemma afia

            i dont think i would break up with him because things happen…. but ummmmmm….. i would keep my options open…….

          • Yoles

            When I was a freshman I peed the dorm bed with my then boyfriend soon to be husband in it, it was a complete accident I had the bathroom dream! Don’t break up w/him.. accidents happen

            • Sweet GA Brown

              The bathroom dream is the worst. And why can so many ppl identify with the bathroom dream?

              • MJoy

                It’s a curse sent by the devil I tell you!

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              ~*~* Yoles are you engaged????? ~*~*~ :-)

              • Yoles

                no that was WAY back in the early 90s, Yoles been married and married again… i’m currently cohabiting happily :D

                • Cayenne

                  Yoles!! I havent seen you commenting in a long while! Glad to see you back lady!

            • GypsyCurl

              Don’t worry Yoles, we are still together. He’s a good guy and that is more important. It was a one time thing. If it was all the time and it was not connected to a disease, I would be worried.

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

            @ GC

            I would NEVER EVER break up with him because of that. Oh mi gosh! You never know. You just never know. Girl you could diarrhea in your sleep, how would you feel if he broke up over such a flimsy reason. Shit and urine happens, let it slide.

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

        That happened to my boy (no actually him not like codeword for me). She got up flipped the mattress and changed the sheets. But then he ended up breaking up with her like 2 weeks later for something unrelated…i was yearning for some twitter slander but she was above that. Wouldnt be me, you wet my bed (and not in the good way) you’re not allowed to leave me lol

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

        i hope no one on here knows your boyfriend.

        • dont$leep

          Maaan now that we admitting shyt. I had that damn bathroom dream two months ago in my condo BY MYSELF and thought it was real. Lets just say as soon as I relieved myself I was sooo embarressed. I promised I would take it to the grave… Thanks for helping me get over this.

          • GypsyCurl

            I think accidental bed wetting is one of those things they don’t tell you could still happen as an adult.

            I’m surprised it hasn’t happened to me because I wake with a full bladder every morning and I have the potty dreams sometime.

          • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

            One pillow! No pillowcase! Went to sleep! BY MYSELF! You wanna go night night, ninja!! YOU WANNA GO NIGHT NIGHT, NINJA!!

            • Sweet GA Brown

              LMAO.

            • dont$leep

              Lmao ur hip!

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    I’m fortunate that I have a good sense of humor and I’m not too easily embarrassed, so nothing immediately comes to mind. That said, I’m one of 14 people not on Facebook. There might be something embarrassing as f*ck out there that I don’t know about.

    • That Ugly Kid

      “That said, I’m one of 14 people not on Facebook.”

      That’s how you miss out on Facebook relationship drama. Or even better, status wars. Where one person says something about someone on their friendlist but doesn’t actually mention their name. However, the person hinted at in the status knows its about them, so they make a status talking sh*t about the first guy, yet doesn’t mention that person name either even though at this point EVERYONE clearly knows what the f*ck is going on. And so the two people go back and forth making statuses sneak dissing each other as if they’re being sooo secretive as to who it’s about.

      • http://www.facebook.com/RandGAreZombies The Other Jerome

        Heh, that happened in my newsfeed today. And i’m a nosy ninja so you know i had to investigate lol

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Real ninjas tag the person in their status and a couple ppl that would agree with their point of view.

        • DQ

          LOL, I agree. Ironically enough I’ve had FB friends directly call each other out…

          …they’re still not gangstas though. If you really real, you show up to someone’s house to whoop their a$$ while someone else videos the whole thing on a camera phone.

    • Iceprincess

      Omg! I dont FB or twitter either! Omg i didnt think we existed! At times i feel like a hobbit or something, but then my rite mind kicks in & i say “you kno what? I’ll pass”. I jus dnt see the big deal. Plus im an extremely private person considering my past. I have zero desire to put myself on blast like that. Plus im humble enuf to think that nobody should care anyway. I definately dnt care about anybody else’s pics or whateva on fb, so who would care about mine? I jus dont get it.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        I don’t tweet either. And I just recently got a fb account.

        • Yoles

          I don’t tweet.. I do have fb & I am that spigga that looks through every.single.picture.. I don’t comment but I look because I’s nosy

          • Kema

            Cosign! I facebook stalk. At least thats what it feels like when I’m looking at family pics of someone that I havent seen since 8th grade.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          I *rarely* tweet, and when I do, it’s to reply to someone. I rarely just put messages out there on Twitter. FB is more my speed.

          • Justmetheguy

            Add me to the list. I’m only on Facebook because my sister signed me up back when it was a college thing (Before state schools were on to be specific). I was a freshmen at the time so it was intriguing to find out about ppl who I may or may not ever see. It became a habit, but lately it’s got pretty wack. I know what to expect from all my friends. My ratchet friends have drama and beef related statuses. My homies (and myself) have sports related statuses or funny @ss video links and my religious friends have statuses about Jesus and pics that if u don’t like or share you’re goin to hell.
            Twitter doesn’t appeal to me tho. I guess I never got over the idea of following others. Plus I already waste too much time on the Internet as it is. Apparently I’m one of 12 black ppl who doesn’t do twitter. Good to know there r other VSBs who feel the same way tho.

            • Breezy

              @ JMTG: Make that 13…I dont understand the whole twitter thing and FB is about to be wrap.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Im not a “twitter tweeter” Its something about following and being followed and verifyin that rubs me the wrong way. But I will be a fb friend.

      • Aly

        “Omg! I dont FB or twitter either! Omg i didnt think we existed!”

        Oh, we exist. I’m one of them :)

        • Meisarebel

          Same here. Instagram is becoming addictive though.

      • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

        I mostly lurk on both. I find it good for a reality check on myself.

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        I permanently deleted my FB because it was just too much. The applications, the constant changes, and of course, the drama. I recently got a Twitter after much coaxing and it’s not too bad. It really isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe because it’s not as easy to stalk people on Twitter (or so I find). Also, I learned so much from FB that I just avoid anybody who might tweet something stupid like an indirect insult or who goes on a tweeting rampage. No thank you. And then there’s the fact that Twitter is easier to use than FB. FB got too big and complicated for its own good.

      • nillalatte

        I have FB, but post sparingly. I have a twitter, but it does nothing for me and so I don’t use it.

        @Yoles, a friend and I were on the phone going through each others friends and pics yesterday. He decided that he needed to see a pic of my ex. When he found his FB acct his remark was “he looks mean.”

        @ JMTG… yup. Your FB sounds like mine. Except I have quite a few single friends on there that WHINE about their single status and why they don’t have a man/woman in their life. It irks the shyt out of me. I’m thinking… if yo’ arse would get the phuck off FB and live yo’ life you might find you a man/woman! Ugh.

        And, yes, me and a friend of mine that talk constantly to in real life, will post references of conversations on FB from time to time and not attribute those posts to one another. In fact, we rarely comment on each others posts. Other folks chime in, but I don’t think they really know what we’re referring to. lol

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      Mannnnnn…f*ck a Faebook, LMAO!!!!

      • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

        * f*ck a Facebook…and Twitter too, while I’m at it, LMAO!!!

        • http://www.twitter.com/ThisIsMissRae MissRae

          lmao, well damn

    • Angel Baby

      LOL You’re not alone! I don’t facebook, twitter, instigram, never myspaced…none of that. I see you if I run into you since I’ve lived in the same state my whole life. Plus the people that are my good friends have my contact info and know how to get in contact with me. I always said if I moved away I would join one of the social networking tools to stay connected. Otherwise it can kick rocks to all my nosy folks. :)

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        “Plus the people that are my good friends have my contact info and know how to get in contact with me.”

        EXACTLY! One of the reasons why I permanently deleted FB is because I started noticing that friends I had for years started to replace the real life interactions we had before with FB wall posts and comments on my status. I didn’t like that at all. We were friends for years and now suddenly FB is there and you don’t feel the need to call or even email? And when I permanently deleted FB guess what? These people stopped being my friends. I haven’t heard from them since.

  • Anastasia!!!

    First I have to give an ultimate shout out to R.G.! You so braaaave :-) I hope a little cutie finds you and the fun ensues.

    With that being said, my MOST embarrassing moment is a lot – I suppose ill get braver moving into the next day.

    I know that I am generally embarrassed when I look back at how utterly STUPID I was when dealing with certain guy I was “dating.” I mean, this ninja blatantly lied in my face, I knew he was lying, and still I gave him my energy and some other particulars. **Face Palm**

    We all been stupid for some d*ck (or whatever is your preference) but I literally cringe when I think back to the utter retardation of my mind when dealing with him just because I was wanting some testosterone in my life.

    Live and Learn, Chile!!

    • Caballeroso

      This post is significantly lacking in details. Specifics are needed. Thanks.

      • vanita applebum

        +1. You need more people.

  • ohemma afia

    this story had me rollin for a good five minutes…. i would have taken this to the grave… ur brave for posting that story..

    • http://www.facebook.com/RandGAreZombies The Other Jerome

      Co Sign. Every time i try to come up with a good story, i’m like “naaah, i can’t share that one” lol

    • JustForToday

      Sounded like Rotavirus or norovirus. You have kids, or are around kids in daycare, you are a prime candidate. That sleeping on the bathroom floor hugging the porcelain throne, been there, twice.

    • Angel Baby

      heeheehee right

  • Iceprincess

    Hey Panama have a safe & happy bday weekend! Whoop whoop! *happy dance* See u monday old azz n*gga ;-)

  • Beautifullyhuman

    Damn.

    You’re a brave soul to admit this so candidly. That says a lot about you that you can share sh*tting on yourself in public, especially recently sh*tting on yourself as a grown a** man… Lol.

    As far as my embarrassing moments nothing really comes to mind. A couple of public falls here and some stumbles there, but nothing as drastic as what you shared. *knock on wood*

    Thanks for the nightcap laugh. Lol

  • Iceprincess

    When i was in 3rd grade i got my azz kicked in front of a bunch of ppl by this girl named jackie. (kicked my azz so bad i still remeber dat b*tch name lol). I was so embarassed i played sick that monday so i wouldnt have to go to school wit everybody talkn about it. That was the 1st & only fist fight of my life. Im a lover not a fighter lmao.

    • Latonya

      LOL!! Gir,l I remember when I was in the 6th grade and we had a 6th grade assembling disscussing the first day of school. Why after the assembling and when all the teacher finish talk I had to be the one to let out a loud fart. LOL

      • Iceprincess

        Bwahaahaha i would have died! Hilarious.

      • GypsyCurl

        This made me think of one of my most embarrassing moments: my mom slapped me in front a shit load of students at my school in the 8th grade, which is one of the many reasons I’ve hated that b*tch ever since. #ImStewie

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          LMAO

    • nillalatte

      OMG girl… I was on the phone last night (actually most of the night until 4:30a this morning) talking about different life experiences and one was fights.

      Dis girl that worked with/for me (I was the manager) dissed me in front of staff. I fired her. She decided she wasn’t fired. She came in to work anyway like she was gonna just ignore she wasn’t on the payroll anymore. When it really started to sink in that she was history, she threw shyt at me (like hot grease) and then caught me in my face with 3 fingers slapping me. Oh, WHY did she do that?! I was a lil work out ninja back in the day that kick boxed. I kick boxed her arse all the back. Then called the cops to escort her arse off property.

      When I was 5th grade this boy kept picking at my sister as we walked home. I told him once to stop and leave her alone. This mofo apparently didn’t understand English. He kept on. I told my sister, ‘hold my books.’ I grabbed the boy, slung him down in a ditch and jumped on top of his arse asking him, “you gonna leave us alone now?” He agreed. We got home, I’m covered in mud and my dad asks “what happened to you?!” I told him the story and he looks at my sister and asks, “You’re her older sister, what did you do?” She replied, “I held her books.”

      • feralanarchy

        lol@ “held her books”….that line is awesome in so many ways

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        ” I was a lil work out ninja back in the day that kick boxed. I kick boxed her arse all the back. Then called the cops to escort her arse off property.”

        “I held her books.”

        LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • TheGoodGirl

    This is the closest I’ve ever been to first since VSB has been in existence! Do you all still give out glitter? I need some of that.

    The most embarrassing moment has to have been my end of the year awards dinner for my high school athletic team. We were making a presentation to the seniors on the team and I was so nervous introduced myself as my best friend. Wth? People probably thought I was obsessed with her. Who forgets their name?

    • NYCgyal

      That’s hilarious :P

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        @NYCgyal

        Your gravitar creeps me out. Lol

        • Iceprincess

          I kno rite? It looks like a sad kite or something. A ghost kite. Yep, thats it!

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

            Or a sad ghost balloon. Lol

        • NYCgyal

          Guess you’re ot a fan of rage comics? That’s definitely not a sad face of any kind lol.

    • kid video

      Since Yoles aint here, ill do tha honors….

      U been Gittered….

      • Yoles

        Awww wonder twin you are the bomb!!!

      • TheGoodGirl

        Thanks so much!!!!!!! Now I need to figure out how to get a gravitar or whatever.

        • Yoles

          go to gravitar.com and upload a pic associating it with the email address you use to post here… WELCOME

    • Cafe7202

      My sister did the same thing at my other sister’s wedding. Got up to give her maid of honor speech and introduced herself as the bride. I was like, “wait. what did she say?” It was hilarious.

    • Cafe7202

      My sister did the same thing at my other sister’s wedding. Got up to give her maid of honor speech and introduced herself as the bride. I was like, “wait. what did she say?” It was hilarious.

  • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

    Hahaha, damn bro in the supermarket? I feel your pain. My most embarrassing moment? Weirdly none as dramatic as yours, mine was my mum visiting me in college and giving my friends abstinence pamphlets and an “ATM” card, ATM stood for Abstinence till Marriage. Lol. Basically my mum thought and perhaps still thinks a grown ass mid 20 year old like myself is a virgin. Never had the sex talk but I had the “homosexuality is not what’s in” talk. Shrug.

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      hey dear!!!

      Your mum is typical, an African mother!!!loooooooool. Mine would have started a prayer session! MMmmmmmh…cheiii!

    • ohemma afia

      when i was a teen my father found some condoms in my drawer while he was looking for something. 2 weeks later i was at an all girls methodist school in ghana. i was there for two years…And i wasn’t even having sex… African parents no be easy…

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        omg hilarious!!!

  • Double_Dizze

    Back in ’04, while stationed in Okinawa, JP, I had a major back surgery. Got rods, screws, and a nice scar…the whole nine yards. Anyway, about 3 days into my week-long stay at the hospital, I was allowed to actually shower myself. A male corpsman helped me get undressed and settled into the shower chair, and everything was good. When it came time to get out of the shower, I couldn’t get myself dressed. So I called for a corpsman. Lo and behold, a female corpsman came in to help me get dressed. Seeing as how I could barely stand, much less anything else, I figured it would be safe to have her help me…I was so wrong. She put the pants of the scrubs they had me wearing on the ground and told me to stand in the leg holes. Cool. Easy enough. Then for some inexplicable reason, she squatted in front of me to pull the pants up, instead of either standing behind me or pulling them up from the sides. You’d think that a major back surgery would kill any chance of an erection, but that would be incorrect. When she stood up to pull the pants up, I smacked her right on the forehead. She took off running and sent a male corpsman back to help me get back into bed. To make things worse, I ran into her maybe 8 times around different bases in the month after I got out of the hospital, and each and every time I’d see her, she’d turn bright red and my then-wife would ask me what was wrong with her.

    • That Ugly Kid

      I wanted to be stationed in Okinawa as well, but got medically discharged before I could even get out of Basic. I was PISSED. My drill instructers told me japanese women LOVE black men out there.

      • Double_Dizze

        Oki is off the chain for the first year. After that, you feel like you want to throw yourself into the ocean. I was there for 3 years. The younger generation of Okinawans LOVE the American culture…the older ones that remember the bombs…not so much. Matter of fact, the older Okinawan/Japanese people straight hate America, and especially Black men. All those Blasian kids running around there might have something to do with it. Just a guess. Some parts of Oki are THE place to be if you want to be called a n!gg@ and have to ask the person to repeat themselves 3 or 4 times because you can’t understand them.

        • That Ugly Kid

          That’s understandable. I’m not gonna lie, I would’ve been all over those japanese women. Or rather, use my black card to have them all over me!

          • Double_Dizze

            There were 3 kinds of Okinawan women that LOVE Black men. The first kind was the “average chick”. She’s fairly cute, stays dressed down from head to ankle, but for some reason always has on the most run-down, used to be white shoes ever. They’re good company, always down to hang out or just show you around the island. The second is the “round chick”. She’s got some weight to her, and will buy you anything you want as long as you hang out with her. In public. The last kind is the “oh my God she’s BAD chick”. She is on point, just beautiful…but she knows it, and will have you spending your last dollar on her. The odd thing that they all had in common was bad teeth, like they’d been chewing on firecrackers or something. It was weird to see that in a country that has all kinds of government subsidized free dental services.

            • That Ugly Kid

              Bad teeth huh? I guess oral is out of the question. Dad always told me to never stick my d*ck in a woodchipper.

              • Double_Dizze

                I’m glad he told you that, and concerned that he actually had to tell you that. I kid, I kid.

                • That Ugly Kid

                  Lol, all I can say is sh*t happens.

    • http://www.facebook.com/RandGAreZombies The Other Jerome

      Oh hell naw!!! Though i half expected this story to end with: “……and we’ve been married ever sense” lol

    • Chanelle

      lmao! did you ever tell your wife this story when she asked what was wrong with the girl?

      • Double_Dizze

        Yeah, I told her. It did not go as well as I had hoped.

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          hahahahahahahahahahhahaha *tears*

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      @ D_D

      *DEEEEEADDDD*

      You people are going to take me to the grave because of overlaughing!!!

    • That Ugly Kid

      I’m not gonna lie, I used to do this on purpose back when I was young(er). Whenever I’d go take a physical and I had a female physician, I’d do this. Seeing as how the doctor’s office was always slightly chilly for some reason (meaning shrinkage), I’d make myself get a chode (half an erection).

      Basically, I’d think dirty thoughts just enough so that my peen would get longer, but not harder. Giving the illusion that if my peen was this big in its normal, flacid state, just imagine how big it must be when in full on, universe imploding, space/time continuum shattering mode.

      Now, this never resulted in the lovely female physician losing her wits and committing statutory rape with me as I’d fantasized about, but I’d like to think that in the back of her mind she was thinking “If I were younger or in Texas right now I’d throttle him!”

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        STOP IIIIIIIIT!!!!

        You are owning the commentary today!! You and DD! —–>thus far!!!

        I always look forward to hearing your crater inducing stories, they never disappoint.

      • MJoy

        The first time I heard about what goes on at boys’ physicals and sports physicals I got thoroughly embarrassed for yall!

      • Justmetheguy

        Lol @ TUK. Everybody tries to do the chode thing when someone’s gonna see it (even when you’re in swim trunks) but I’m just extremely jealous that u had a female doctor. I was so pissed and felt so d@mn violated when I got my first physical. Smdh

    • Yoles

      I had something like that happen to me while i was in nursing school.. I think it was ghetto azz penisula hospital in qns.. my patient was in a car accident and all bruised & banged up, stitches etc.. well dressings were coming off 2day & homie wanted to shower bad, my task was a shower assist in which I stand in the shower room & make sure he’s ok & hand him soap, washclothes etc.. home boy dropped the soap in front of him I turned off the shower squatted down & all I heard was “you got some pretty hair ma” as I felt a hand touch my head, I looked up (in hindsight I shud have stood up NOT stayed in the squat position in front of him) & his erection was maybe 2centimeters from my top lip… I don’t know who was more embarrassed it was me but I’ve been scared for life..

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        LOL Wanna help me shower? My soap is EXTRA slippery! ROTFLMAO!

      • Meisarebel

        Ha! I. Just. Died.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        *TEARS*

    • GypsyCurl

      Your story has me crying-laughing. I’ve had a not so similar but related story. The difference is I’m the girl. I worked at a hospital and had to go get a male patient for a doctor. I knocked in the door and I thought the guy said come in. I walked in and he was standing there butt naked with a shirt on. My eyes went straight to his old man tiny peeper and huge sagging balls. My co-workers thought it was so funny. And get this, they knew he liked to be naked in his room and nobody warned me.

      • Double_Dizze

        That’s messed up. Your co-workers decided to expose you to the Odd Couple.

    • b sweet

      Forehead smack-hilarious!!!!!!!

      • Double_Dizze

        I thought so too, but from the way flew back against that wall, you’d have thought I was waving a gun in her face. Then again, maybe I was.

        Side note…your pic looks real familiar. Hmmm……

        • b sweet

          Really? Where are you from? Where have you/do you live? These pics are so small I can hardly see them so forgive me if I don’t recognize you.

          • Double_Dizze

            I’m from TX, and live in the metroplex area.

            • b sweet

              Hmmm. I can’t imagine how’d we knw each other. Not from Tx, and I don’t even know where metroplex is, soooo.
              I lived in Hampton Roads for a few years so when you mentioned military I thought that might’ve been the connection
              How do you think you know me? That may help

              • Double_Dizze

                In TX, the Metroplex is the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. But since you don’t live in TX, maybe it’s just a case of my mind telling my eyes what I want them to see, so I shall slowly and shamefully wall slide out, and that imaginary ‘other website’ connection shall not be named. It’s too hood to admit to. Nice hairstyle, though. It suits you.

                • b sweet

                  Thank you handsome ;)
                  Please, I insist you mention the other site. This is the first site I’ve actively been a part of, but you never know.
                  Last week someone at a party walked up to me and said they remember meeting me in the Bahamas. My initial response was ‘you must be mistaken I’ve never been to the Bahamas.’ Not only had we met there, we hung out at the pool at the Cove and had a few drinks. My crazy self remembered Atlantis, not Bahamas. Go figure.

                  • Double_Dizze

                    Since you insist…it was Tagged. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I was on that site.

                    • b sweet

                      Don’tbeembarrassed-Idon’tevenknowwhatthatsiteis.althoughwedidn’tmeetonthatsite,I’mverygladwemetonthisone:)

        • Nikki

          Aaaand that’s why if I was your wife I would have laughed myself silly.

          If my man had told me that story I’d have been like.. is she alright? That prolly hurt. .

          • Double_Dizze

            My then-wife was not the kind of woman to find any interaction between myself and the opposite sex funny.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      BOL!!! All it took was a squat?

      • Yoles

        i can testify that all it takes is a squat sometimes… for real

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      * LMAO * poor dear

    • BeautifullyHuman

      That’s hilarious! I just literally laughed out loud and my coworker is looking at me crazy…lmao.

    • Justmetheguy

      LMFAO @ that story Double Dizze! I would’ve been funny enough if u just got the erection and she saw it and got embarrassed but the fact that it smacked her in the forehead is the reason I just spit water all over this desk and fell out my chair laughing uncontrollably for 5 minutes before I could post this comment. I love how she turned bright red when she saw u again tho. She must’ve liked it lol

      • Double_Dizze

        A good 95% of the stories I have from my time in service are of the ignant variety. Marines work hard and play even harder, which really means that we get into ish we really shouldn’t be getting into, and think that it was the funniest thing ever after the fact.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      Reminds me of the dildo scene from White Chicks. :)

      • Double_Dizze

        I hate that movie with an unreasonable passion. Whenever it comes on tv, or someone tries to pop in the DVD, you can hang it up…party’s over, and the chances of me cussing someone out over something small increase exponentially.