While honesty is a virtue and the cornerstone of a long-lasting relationship (assuming everybody involves knows what a daddy is…ZING!), the fact is most people in relationships tell eachother lies. Now, I’m not talking about huge “It’s your baby!/I don’t even know Tiger Woods” style lies, but more little white lies intended to keep the sanity, peace, and faith.
Why did I say faith? Well because as soon as I wrote the words “keep the…”, Michael Jackson’s song “Keep The Faith” (from the Dangerous LP)popped into my head, and I figured, if you’re going to keep something, as say a keepsake, you know, for the sake of keeping something, faith is definitely up there as one of those “good things” Beyoncé really likes, to keep, which must be why Michael Jackson so eloquently sang about it before he found his faith. No Conrad.
Hope he kept it.
1. You always hit my spot just right.
Yeah, okay. You’re right. Except really, sex is like Any Given Sunday. Sometimes, you have a bad day (I’m looking at you Patriots) and hitting her spot is more difficult than Stevie Wonder reading an eye-chart. But she’s really nice if she tells you this knowing full well she had to finish the job herself AND convince you that you’re the man. That’s a good lie.
2. I love your mother (parents).
While I do actually love my girl’s mother, I know MORE than my fair share of people who feel otherwise. Thing is, is it really worth it to say that “I think your mother is a worthless hag who smokes more Jimmy Dean? And by the way, she smells like hot arse sometimes, tell her to Summer’s Eve that pocket!” I’m gonna say, no. At least you ain’t got Martin’s momma. Her biscuits (no buttocks) were supposed to be slammin’ though.
Speaking of biscuits…
3. You’re cooking tastes almost like my mothers.
While I would never say this to anybody, I heard my boy tell his girl this about a year ago. He knew he was lying when he said it. I tasted his girl’s food. If her mother cooked like that, she’d be dead.
4. You’re the only man/woman I ever loved.
Your pants are SO on fire, paco. I remember when you used to date Big Booty Judy from SW and you used to feed her oysters. And that time you all dressed alike, and you were 22. THAT was love. Anddon’t get me started on women telling that lie. If she’s over age 22, you are DEFINITELY not the only man she’s loved.
You might be her first experimentation with The Art of Dome, but definitely not love.
5. I’ve never done that before.
Saying you’ve never done that before usually means you’ve done it before but you just like to pretend that you didn’t do it before because if folks knew how many times you really did it, they might not want you to do it to them. Or at least they’d ask for some test results first.
6. I don’t know him/her.
Youzealie. You used to play Naked Twister every Tuesday in your less reformed days. Or better yet, “oh you meant HIM! Oh, yeah, I thought you meant the guy with the ‘Homeless Vet’ sign standing 200 feet away from the guy I know. Um, yeah, we used to date a little.”
7. We used to date, a little.
What does that even mean? I know we like to downplay stuff, but really, what does that mean? By the way, that’s a chick line. A guy would deny, deny, deny like he was R. Kelly and you had a sex tape that included three penguins and a pet goat named Miley.
8. I love going to the opera.
We often lie about things we hate doing. This is how we end up doing a lot of things we hate doing. Like going to the opera. Or sitting through a talk given by Michael Eric Dyson – which I assume is akin to Hell.
9. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning.
Well, you in a sense, I suppose. But I’m guessing its you on-top or underneath. Eyes optional.
10. I love you.
Heh heh heh.
What are some other little white lies that we tell in relationships? Share. And make sure your significant other isn’t reading today or doesn’t know who you are.
And put some stank on it.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3