i’ve been there before.

i’ve walked this road.

it was a long time coming, but the change finally came.

you see, i used to be a pretentious piece of sh*t.

for a year (from may of 02 to the following may) i was “that guy”, that asshole, that diva dude who’d ostentatiously play with his sidekick in public because he knew that nobody else had one, who owned 150 dollar t-shirts despite making less than 30 g’s a year, who once refuse to call a “solid 8” he met at the club because he thought her first name was stupid.

a young champ (on the left) and one of his infamous t-shirts

i made my “recovery” sometime around the summer of 2003, when realizing that my outrageousness was becoming increasingly detrimental to my overall growth. i wasn’t pleased with who i was becoming as a person, and my pretentious aura attracted pretentious women…a fact that still makes me dry heave when thinking about it.

this state of mind isn’t uncommon though. there are many pretentious people among us, some completely unaware of their dangerous levels of pretention and how theyre self-sabotaging their own dating experiences.

so, as a service from vsb, i’ve decided to provide you all with a simple ledger, a guide, a list naming…

…9 signs that you can very well be a pretentious piece of sh*t

1. you refuse to eat at chain restaurants.

i don’t know whats worse, the fact that people actually think like this, or the fact that people think like this and actually arent ashamed to admit it in public. luckily, ive never had to date a woman who felt like this, because i would have been tempted to go all morgan spurlock on her ass, making every outing nbmd (nothing but mickey d’s)

2. you leave comments on blogs/message boards just to let everyone know that you think the topic of the day sucks

a huge pet-peeve of mine, this also happens to be a close relative of…

3. you leave comments on blogs/message boards just to let everyone know that something made your b*tch ass upset, and you won’t be returning

4. you’re black, and you have a college degree.

my freshman year of college, the champ and a few of his buddies caught a train to the hoodest movie theater in western ny to see  “lisaraye’s fine milfy ass” “the players club”.  if you recall, in the middle of the flick diamond gets clowned by some fellas in one of her classes after they find out her, ummmm, “hobby”, a scene which prompted one of the many remy ma dopplegangers sitting in the row behind us to remark “see, thats why i hate them college-ass nigg*s“.

after a decade of dealing with educated-ass “college-ass nigg*s” (and niggetts), i see her point.

we kind of suck.

seriously.

5. you think that nyc, la, d.c. and atlanta are the only acceptable places to live in the entire country.

if you feel this way, please stop reading this, please get up from your pc, please go find a way to rupture your own spleen, and please do it

6. you’ve often referred to yourself as “the black…” (ie, “the black carrie bradshaw”, “the black ethan hunt”, “the black verne troyer”, etc, etc)

7. you have business cards but no benefits

8. you make completely random and completely inane concrete demands of the opposite sex

ah, how these people tickle me. theres nothing more fun than hearing a woman remark “he has to be at least 6’2..and this is non-negotiable” and asking her “well, what if he was 6’1 and 7/8ths? 6’1 and 3/4ths? 6″1 and 16/29ths? 6’0 and 99/100ths? would these be acceptable?”

what amazes me most about this is the fact that usually, these horrific demands have absolutely nothing to do with that persons happiness, and everything to do with the perpetual pissing contest they’re having with their peers.

9. you inneccesantly brag about your eclectic tastes

you have both joni mitchell, janis joplin, and g-unit in your ipod? whoopdy f*cking doo. do you want a sugar cookie? fine. now take it and shove it up your ass.

if you suspect that you might be a pretentious piece of sh*t, please take the next public bus to the nearest wendys, and ask for the finest junior bacon cheeseburger they have on their menu. also, make sure you do this during the noon lunch rush, just so that you’ll hafta wait in line and so that as many people as possible will witness you actually ordering food from wendys. it might be painful, but, like john rambo says, pain is just pretentiousness leaving your body.

–the champ