You Right, Boo: How to Get Kicked To The Curb On Your Own Terms

I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Here at VSB, we aim to provide as much help as we can. And most, if not all of it, is intended to bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (or women). It is Christmas time after all. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling all Trans-Siberian orchestrated.

Canons to the…nevermind.

Ahem.

Despite all of the salvation, all help doesn’t have to be of the warm and fluffy variety. Sometimes you need help getting out of bad situations where nobody wins, except for the person who gets out of the situation (it makes sense if don’t think about it). But here’s the thing, NOBODY likes being the bad guy. Sometimes, for better or worse, you have to create an opportunity where one doesn’t exist.

Nothing sucks more than being stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So here are some ways to get out of one without having to be the bad guy/gal; created opportunities, if you will.

1. Say “I love you” too soon

Nothing pushes people away faster than being TOO far along in your feelings in a relatively short amount of time. So yes, this only works within the first few months of dating. But say you realize that you’re not really feeling the Becky you’re dating. Or say Jamal is just a little bit more needy than you like, but its clear that you’re both “into” one another but not attached enough to cry if you all “broke up”. Just say you love them during a deep convo and I’ll bet you see more backpedaling and “I’m busy” texts than Herman Cain being asked if there was a white woman he didn’t smang.

By the way, this ONLY works with rational people. Know your audience.

2. Move

Not move across the city; no, move states. Skip town. But let them know that you have to leave and that you can’t fathom the idea of a long distance relationship and you want them to be free because you care about them enough to not want to trap them into frustration. Wow, that’s actually a pretty good line. Use it. And then just use me up.

3. Become extremely needy and clingy (cousin to “I love you”)

We’re talking stage-5 clinger here too. Once again, this generally only works on emotionally stable people. Everybody loves space, even married people. If you can’t take being with your guy/gal anymore and need a quick out for which they do the kicking…literally become their shadow. Always want to be where they are or where they’re going. Don’t do anything too stalkerish or crazy because then you might end up on a website (hey Mike, welcome to VSB) or the local news. Do just enough to be needy, but not enough for them to really be able to talk to others about you in a way where people say you’re crazy. Do you know why? Because he/she probably has hot friends who might make for great rebounds.

4. Start doing whatever it is that they hate

They hate a certain cologne? Start wearing it and then refuse to change for them. They hate that you are a flirt? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I mean, keep flirting. Give them a reason to kick you to the curb. But once again, only do so much as to be a problem, don’t actually do anything wrong. Karma is a cold-hearted b*tch. The key here is consistency. You can’t let up. You’ve got to become annoying while maintaining your charm in case you meet somebody while you’re out annoying your significant other.

5. Talk about your future together, but keep contrasting it with their hopes

They don’t want children? So sad because you want at least four. The Walton’s were your model family and you’d like to keep tradition alive. They want to live in the suburbs? Not you kicko, it’s all 1 bedroom condos and alley-view love. They want to start a business and get rich? F*ck that, you’re about Occupy somebody’s street as soon as you get off work. Basically, your goal here is to make them realize there’s no plausible future with you. It works.

Now, since you know I’d walk a thousand miles so I could just see you, I’m curious as to what other ways might be plausible to help push along a breakup without being the bad guy? While it is indeed cuffing season right now, some people are out there making BAD decisions on who they mess with. Let’s do a service towards that goodwill towards mankind.

Help your friends out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GETGULLY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

  • http://twitter.com/tanlite Krista

    I usually say something like
    “I really love you, and I think you deserve someone better. I’m letting you go so you can find the woman of your dreams.”

    Make them feel all special n’junk.

    • lotusflower11

      Slightly ashamed to say I’ve used this line myself.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i cant imagine that actually working. in fact, it seems like it would start an argument akin to, “wait…you really trying to break up with me…using some bs like that??”

  • ShardeMarie

    I’ve done these all unintentionally. I’m a professional self-sabatoger. When I think it may be somethng good or he actually does like me, I pull a fast one…on myself. SMH lol

    • sunshyne84

      I have the same problem. :/

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      Oooh, this is So me. I start acting like I’m in love then I get mad when they accuse me of moving too fast. I’ll be like, I’m not picking out china patterns, and hell be like, coulda fooled me. On his way out. Then I’ll feel sad/insulted/relieved.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      self-awareness is a motherlover.

  • Shell

    #4 does it every time. Nothing else needed really.

  • PhillyDivaMom

    Start telling their business out in the street – but even worse, to their MOM.

    • chunk

      This would end very badly. I don’t suggest it. Lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i’m with Chunk. that sounds like a one way ticket to Getyosh*tf*ckedupsville.

      i mean you know good and well that you dont go back and tell nobody’s momma nothing.

  • http://purplelikerawr.tumblr.com Purplenat

    Would I be preaching to the choir saying that you have way less of a chance of getting cussed out/cut/static by avoiding all of this ridiculousness and run-around in the first place? lol. The problem is that stuff like this fails WAY too often for it to be anything but a potential liability (e.g. OMG I LOVE YOU TOO I’M SO GLAD I’VE NEVER CLICKED LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!)…

    That said, bumping Justin Bieber’s Christmas album is probably a safe way to get someone REAL unattracted REAL fast. Especially for the menfolks.

    • LMNOP

      Yeah, the “I love you” one could backfire pretty badly.
      Moving is probably the most effective one on there, except that moving to another state is kind of a big deal. If you were about to move anyways, thats one thing, but if you’re moving to avoid breaking up, that is pretty crazy.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      well obviously the best plan is to avoid all of this in the first place. but didn’t we just have a post about educated people still manage to run raw in the sheets despite knowing that some wang/poon will actually KILL YOU??? and you think rational, logic behavior is going to persist when ninjas feelings is the only thing in the way?

      sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

      • Girlsixx

        You know thats right!!

        smhl.

      • http://purplelikerawr.tumblr.com Purplenat

        Hahaha. I mean, it happens where magical mystical arcane and nonsensical isht needs to happen. I just like my plans a little more foolproof… 3/5 of the ones listed seem like a 50/50 shot between the person actually leaving and the person stalking you

  • msme

    Co-sign Krista, slight variation: I just can’t give you what you want right now, I feel like we are in different places. For the truly ridiculous route, there is always becoming too comfortable with expressing your “bodily functions” around a dude too soon, you can shoo him away along with the fart #justsayin

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      I’m allergic to vague statements like I can’t give you what you want. What is it you think I want? And don’t tell me you can’t, you can, you just don’t want to. They hate that.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i’m with you. a smart mofo would ask questions.

    • http://twitter.com/tanlite Krista

      That usually only works with dumb people, unfortunately.
      -Frowns-

    • Girlsixx

      “there is always becoming too comfortable with expressing your “bodily functions” around a dude too soon, you can shoo him away along with the fart #justsayin”

      Ummm, it all depends on how far gone (in love) this dude is with you..

      I tried it — didn’t work. he just kept fanning the covers and saying damn baby!! *womp womp* lmboo

      Alot of the above scenarios again all depends on the state of emotion of the person your trying to get to dump you — if they are really feeling you to the point of love then trust me and believe they are going to want to work around all that ish and still be with you.

  • xLadyTx

    Good list! Actually had #2 happen to me & I’m currently doing #5. Gotta love this great big circle of life!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      evil.

      • xLadyTx

        They’re not getting the hint! They’re bound & determined to MAKE a relationship work, so I gotta show them just how incompatible we really are…

  • En Squared

    If you can’t bring yourself to say those three words you can always ask them to label what the two of you have. Men are never down for the prematurely definitive title of “boyfriend”.

    • xLadyTx

      “Men are never down for the prematurely definitive title of “boyfriend”.”

      Sooooo true!

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      That may be a regional thing. Country boys tend to be possessive. You call them you’re boyfriend, they’re going to take you seriously.

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

        Probably cuz up north, you will introduced as your name only….titleless as a craigslist car sale

        • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          Up here, Guys are scared to death if they give a woman what she wants, their peen will be repossesed.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      #aintthatrightboo #true

    • Girlsixx

      Agreed!!

      lol

  • LadyC

    I’m pro being the BAD GUY, be it me or he. Really. Even though it may not go over well at first if I have ended it I prefer to say the truth gently and end up being cool later on.

    Before when I couldn’t break it off as easily I would do #5 in response to a guy #3ing me.

  • nillalatte

    Talk about how much I LOVE Drake and his eyebrows!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSVh8BNd_ps