Lists, Theory & Essay

Yo…Men Can Be Real Dumb Sometimes, Yo

Baby, I can still drive it. It's just ice. Not lava.

Today, I’m throwing the ladies a bone. Big Pun.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pride is the leading cause of death for Black men between the ages of birth and death. I’m not sure why we, Black men, have so much pride or why we let it override the good common sense that the good Lord bestowed upon us, but oh does it. So, oh, let’s do it. Leggo.

As somebody who knows many women, I get to hear numerous comments about how ridiculous men can be. And generally, I rebut said claims with proof that women are in fact, insane. Certifiable actually, for the lot of you dames out there. But the truth is, men can be real dumb sometimes, yo. Which is where pride comes into the picture. See, i think it’s manly pride that causes us to make many of the errant decisions that we make. Well, that our pursuit of the poonanny. Though maybe poonanny isn’t the right term since Tupac tried to smell Janet’s and all she did was breathe in his face and then fix his daughter’s hair. And yo, Pac, if you listening, you should have gotten a paternity test on that child because she didn’t look nothing like you, pimpin. Just saying.

But you dead now.

Back to the lecture at hand.

Men. Stupidity. As Ice Cube so eloquently put it, “Doin’ Dumb Sh*t”. I think men just don’t like being told that what we’re doing is wrong or doesn’t make sense. It’s the main reason why we don’t like asking for directions. It’s not that we don’t know that we’re lost. We just don’t like you pointing it out and telling us what we could have done to not be lost in the first place. Especially since we already know. Hell, there’s an app for that. We know, damn. In fact, if you all would just let up a bit on telling us how wrong we are we wouldn’t HAVE to drive you down that dark County Rd 341 highway that we claim is a shortcut.

Duly note that.

Anyway, as a service, here are a few ways that men can be real dumb sometimes, yo.

1. Refuse to ask for help when we clearly need it…even if its offered and we clearly need it.

It snowed, sleeted, skeeted, and thundered here in DC. Not a whole heap – we’re talking about 4 or 5 inches (midget pr0n) of snow in the city – but enough to f*ck up rush hour and enough to cause the streets to be extremely dangerous and slushy, etc. Well, I went outside to take some pictures of th snow because I’m a documentarian. I document sh*t. Well, I see one of my wayward ninja neighbors struggling to move his stuck car out of the snowy pit he’d managed to find himself in. He’s trying to push his car up a slight embankment while his girl is in the driver’s seat. I walk over and offer my help and he’s like, “naw, I got it”. Waves me off. Cool. It’s cold and my jheri curl is drying up anyway. His girl opens the car door and is like, “NO WE NEED HELP”. But dude proceeds to wave me off again. I hear them start arguing to which he yells, “what the f*ck was he gonna be able to do?” How about help you get out of the snow. But ninja rules of conduct require me to heed dudes words. That’s mad dumb. He’s trying to push a car. In snow. Up a hill. By himself. And help was offered. He said no. He is man. Hear him roar. And yes I went and checked on them every fifteen minutes to see them continue to struggle until I got bored.

2. Talk ourselves into a fight we didn’t want in the first place

Men like to talk sh*t. And other men understand this. See, most of us never want to fight and two arguing parties bank on this fact. But every now and then, one overly talkative dude will find himself mouthing off with a cat who doesn’t read books about what professional ninjas are supposed to do when upset. So then mouthy dude ends up talking himself into having to fight with some dude with nothing to lose in life because his pride won’t allow him to realize he might die. All we can do is pray for a snowstorm or police intervention so we can continue to mouth off about what we would have done. Men are real dumb, yo.

3. Argue with women

Contentious I know. But true. Arguing with a woman is a no win proposition. Somehow, no matter what we say or do, the fact is we shouldn’t have done or said something during the course of the argument. Arguing with a chick can you to be in trouble for so many different things. Your tone. What you said about her complaint about your tone. She could be wrong in the first place but the way you responded to her being wrong places you in the wrong. The only true way to end a fight with a woman is to throw a shoe at her. And I’m not even sure that will work but I’ll bet it’s more productive. How? I don’t know.

I’m a man. And I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Unless it’s a woman. And then I lose.

Le sigh.

So people of VSB, what are other ways that men can be real dumb sometimes, yo? Ladies, have at it. Let us know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40P aka lower.case.p aka PASTOR GOODTIME aka GANGSTA GILLIGAN

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Tes

    My favorite thing that men do that, I think is dumb, probably ties into number 1, but it’s the whole “Nah, I’m good” phenomenon. Men can be at the bottom of an empty well with no rope, you holler down at him to see if he’s hurt. “Ah, you know just twisted my ankle, but I’m good.” His dog since he was five just died. “Sparky was the best flucking dog on the planet yo, but uhm…it’s okay, it’s straight. I’m good.” I’ont unnastan it…must be a man thang o_o.

  • http://acford.blogspot.com A.C. Ford

    At some point, every man I’ve seriously dated has gotten extremely depressed when he realized he wasn’t making as much money as he wanted to be. I’m told by my girls, that I’m not the only one dealing with this. No matter how much I insist that I can help, he’s angry that he can’t do for both of us all by himself. It’s even kinda sweet until he’s in a pissy mood and doesn’t want to do anything for a week because his buddy just bought a new car and we can’t.

    I just don’t understand why money has to ruin his week. If our bills are paid, we have a good amount of savings in the bank, and still have enough left over to have a good time, why be so upset?

  • UrbanDismay

    The only true way to end a fight with a woman is to throw a shoe at her. – PJ

    I much easier than that. Just tell me I’m right. Cause I am. Always.

  • DanceHallKing

    Now you know if anyone male or female (but especially male) caught him crying over his dead dog that dude would’ve been done.

  • http://HUSLToday.blogspot.com SouthernBelle, esq.(almost)

    Men ask stupid questions about your ex and then get upset when you’re honest. He knows he really did NOT want to know the real answer to “Am I the best man you’ve had relations with?” Sometimes I lie just to save face but there are ONLY so many lies I can tell about who was better in bed. Baby you da you da best but sometimes other people are better. The Jets lost.

  • Sylph

    Trying to fix/put together items without following the instructions.

    “Don’t you want to see….?”
    “No. I know what I’m doing.”

    Do you know how many crooked items are in my parents house? Ok.

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    “aka PASTOR GOODTIME aka GANGSTA GILLIGAN”

    Um…

  • http://www.nicklodeon.wordpress.com Nick@Nite is up too stinkin late

    There’s several references through this post that had me chuckling in a quite feminine and cute manner.. so, for that, I thank you..

    4. Not knowing when to fold em.. when to walk away… and when to run…
    You could literally be holding the panties left behind another chick and some dudes will stare you in the face and say it was his grandmother’s.. Then you can pull the condom out the trash and he’ll swear he was teaching his brother how to put one on a banana.. Then you can say “your brother’s in Afghanistan.” and he’ll say “well, umm.. we skyped it..” Dude… just give it up already.. You’re bout to strike the earth’s core with how deep you’re digging that hole..
    ~Close ya mouth, cuz ya cold busted..~

    #ThatIsAll

  • legitimate_soul

    1. Directions. Having GPS take you all around the long way when a person might know a quick way to go, not asking, and not listening to “Wasn’t that our turn back there?”

    2. Doing stuff that gets you sick. Last time we nursed you back to health you vowed to never ever eat or drink the things that got you sick. But there you go enjoying the flavor again, saying you gonna be ok, and ignoring the fact it made you sicker than a dawg and didn’t agree with you. Some guys (as many of us do, women included) over-estimate our health until we on our neck. I have frat brothers who might have sickle cell and/or be on dialysis but that doesn’t stop them from drinking and smoking when with the frat.

  • tezzybaby

    I couldn’t even get through the rest of the post after “It’s cold and my jheri curl is drying up anyway”

    I’m still laughing now as I type this and that was 5 minutes ago which in laugh-world is like 2 days ago. Whewww…Ok now for my 2cents

    1.Performing stupid pranks, stunts, etc i.e. testosterone poisoning (yes I do think there is a racial slant here)
    2.Not going to the doctor for needed examinations
    3. Having the unmitigated gall to repeatedly fart in my presence AND think it’s funny (sorry this may be more in the “Things that bug” category)
    4. Never removing excess toothpaste from the top of the tube and yet continuing to squeeze it through the hardened crust as long as possible. ( My bad, this one too)

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