Monday nights in my life are good for two things: vh1’s Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta and Hit The Floor (and now apparently Atlanta Exes). They provide just the right balance of ratchet and “WTF did I just see on my television” to keep me balanced, especially in the wake of the past week’s on-going and non-stop news coverage from Ferguson.
Well, tonight’s episode (and no, you don’t need to have watched, give any fucks about, or keep up with) of LHH:ATL featured a scenario that guys swear doesn’t exist, or at least swear lives primarily in the world of estrogen but is undeniable…
…men are just as messy as women. Maybe we aren’t messy as frequently as women, but we are definitely AS messy as women are purported to be.
What do I mean by messy? I’m glad you asked. Allow me to share with you what happened this evening. I will be using names that might offend your sensibilities. I understand if you want to light your eyes on fire. However, the vast majority of you grew up listening to a man who in all seriousness referred to himself as Snoop Doggy Dogg and you didn’t bat an eye. Keep this in mind.
So, Stevie J (everybody should know who Steebie is by now even if you don’t keep up with the ratchets) of Bad Boy Hitmen fame (his catalog is really impressive…Like REALLY impressive and surprisingly, he does not seem like the guy who made all the hits he’s responsible for) is “married” (this is debateable) (I’m trying to set a record for most parentheticals in one paragraph) (by the way) to a former stripper/video vixen/”singer”/”artist” named Joseline Hernandez. There was a significant amount of time last year where the possibility that she was formerly a man was a real thing. Anyway she and Steebie are “married” but have had their issues. Stevie’s best friend is Benzino of The Source/Almighty RSO/Made Men/Eminem Shittted On My Life fame, and is engaged to a woman whose name is Althea but goes by the name Thi Thi for her music career.
Everybody on this show inexplicably has a music career. Anyway, Althea is engaged to Benzino but smashed the homie, Stevie. She has told Benzino but Stevie (I keep referring to him interchangeably as Steebie – which is what Joseline calls him due to her accent – and Stevie what the rest of us call him) has pretended its not true even going so far as lying to Benzino’s face. Benzino knows he’s lying but has said that he understands so he’s let him cook.
You know what’s funny? Those last two paragraphs are messy as shit and thats not even what I was referring to with my men can be messy premise. That’s JUST the intro. Oh, and its not finished.
So, Stevie and Joseline have been having issues. Basically, Joseline is a walking hurricane x typhoon x moonsoon, though Stevie is CLEARLY no walk in the park either. They both suck basically. Benzino hates Joseline because she’s been taking shots at his boo Thi Thi. Oh, Benzino got a tattoo of Thi Thi on his side. Like a full body tattoo.
Sidenote: This entire article has so many red squiggly lines under it that “spell-check” is ready to curse me out.
Let’s get to the mess I wanted to use as my example now. Benzino absolutely hates Joseline. So he’s out at a bar and begins talking to a man named Ray Dantoni (also not recognized by spell-check) and they get to choppin’ it up about Joseline and Ray Dantoni tells him that a dude at the party they’re at has smashed Joseline, which is to say that she’s cheating on Stevie, which is kind of like cheating on the guy who invented cheating. His devotion to fuckshit is as impressive as his Grammy-award winning musical output. Benzino (a non-Grammy-award winning rapper, I just wanted to share that) then tells Dantoni to bring the dude who has smashed Joseline out to the back. Which, because that sounds like such a great idea, this brother named Ray Dantoni does.
It turns out its Joseline’s driver. He has been smashing Joseline, allegedly, for a few months off and on. He also knows other people that she’s been sleeping with.
To recap, three seemingly 40+ year old men are having a pow-wow about who a woman has smashed because its a shame, EVEN THOUGH they know that their boy might be the Prime Minister of the Ain’t Shit Committee of Excellence in the Ain’t Shit Arts. So what’s the only logical next move?
Benzino will then TELL Stevie that his wife, Joseline, has been stepping out on him. Which, any woman will tell you, never goes well. In a surprise to nobody, it also never goes well when guys drop that bomb on their boys either. Why? Because its messy. Stevie rightly questions why Benzino is even telling him this? What does he stand to gain. Me no know. He just wants his boy back. And the only way to get his boy back is to seek and destroy the alleged object of trouble in everybody’s life.
This shit really happened.
While it’s not definitive proof, it’s also not uncommon. Guys are just as gossipy as women and talk as much non-sense and some scheme just as much. Granted, most men probably won’t spend as much time focusing on it as most of our convos move on rather quickly to other things, but the ridiculousness we accuse women of is also something we are guilty of as well.
Which is a shame. But humans gon’ human.