With Men, Is EVERYTHING Always Just Really About Sex?

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"Wait a second! They told me there'd be chicks up here!"

I first fell in love with basketball when I turned six years old. The Harlem Globetrotters always make their yearly Pittsburgh appearance around the time of my birthday (December 30th), and one of the gifts for my sixth birthday was a trip downtown to the Civic Arena to see them.

From that moment on, I’ve been infatuated with basketball. As a kid, I’d play for hours a day; shooting by myself, practicing Tim Hardaway’s UTEP Two Step, challenging anybody — peers, old people, firemen — to any type of basketball-related game. When I wasn’t playing I was reading Street and Smiths, Hoop Magazines, and Basketball Digests, collecting basketball cards, watching games on TBS and NBC, and buying USA Todays to check NBA box scores because the local papers wouldn’t have them.

This love continued through my adolescence and teen years, a love that cultivated a basketball talent that people began to recognize. I starred on my middle school, AAU, and high school teams, and was good enough to receive about a dozen or so full scholarship offers.

And, while many of my friends — people who also received basketball scholarships — have mentioned that college was the place where basketball stopped being fun and started being a job, I didn’t have that experience. I still loved it as much as I did when I ws eight.

It still hasn’t dissipated. Although my schedule just doesn’t allow me to play as much as I used to, I do make certain that I make room to play at least twice a week. I also have the NBA pass, the NBA broadband pass, a subscription to ESPN.com just so I can read the insider NBA articles, and I spend much of my free time online reading and watching basketball. In fact, as I’m writing this, I have another window open to a YouTube mixtape of some high school point guard from Florida.

Now, my love for basketball seems to contradict the theory that everything males do has some relationship to sex and sexual access. I started playing when I was six, back when the only thing I knew about girls was that they (usually) smelled good, drank a lot of milk, and had separate bathrooms. The love that grew was a genuine love, an adoration that had nothing to do with anything other than how much I loved everything about the game. I didn’t spent countless hours at the park because girls where there. In fact, there’d be days when I’d go hours without seeing anyone else there. I did it because I loved to do it.

Even today, as that love has continued to flourish, women don’t factor in at all to this equation. I mean, I’m not exactly sure what (some) women find attractive in me, but I’m pretty sure that the idea of me sitting on my laptop, scratching my balls and reading some 5,000 word long deconstruction of Paul Pierce’s post moves isn’t getting them all hot and bothered

But, rewinding back to my 6th birthday, can I say with all certainty that I didn’t pick up on the fact that people — men and women — seemed to think that people who were really good at basketball were also really cool? No, I can’t. I also can’t dismiss the possibility that realizing basketball was a “cool” hobby to have — as opposed to, I don’t know, worm collecting — “helped” me fall in love with it even more.

Was “If I get good at this, people will like me a lot. And, girls like guys who people like a lot” a conscious thought? Of course not. Any serious athlete can easily pinpoint the people who only play because they think it’s cool, and I definitely wasn’t one of them. But, I do think that the status given to guys who are good at it was on my mind on some subconscious level. I played it, read about it, watched it, talked about it, and thought about it because I loved it, but part of the reason why I loved it was because some part of me knew that loving it would reap benefits.

Now, my relationship with basketball is just one example, my example. But, I don’t think it’s really all that different than similar relationships men have with playing an instrument or traveling or entrepreneurship or climbing Mt. Everest or, shit, founding a blog — all things that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. We do these things because we genuinely love them and genuinely enjoy doing them.

But, while (most) guys who climb mountains don’t climb mountains because they heard there was some p*ssy up there, when the urge to climb first sprung in his mind, its continued cultivation was probably at least partially due to the fact that the mountain climber felt that the type of women (or men) he wanted sexual access to are into the type of men who would climb a mountain.

For men, is everything always really just about sex? Eh, not really. But, it kinda, sorta is. Sorry Harlem Globetrotters. It never really was about you.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

371 thoughts on “With Men, Is EVERYTHING Always Just Really About Sex?”

    • Girl I know all about it. I’ve been there. Lol. I had a two year celibacy (never again)…I was going hard in the paint at one point trying to purge. All it took was a whisper and some warm breath and I was ready. Lmao.

      Celibacy = a lot of “me and my vibrating friends” time. Lol

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                • 3 Years and counting, i am only on 3 months and the thirst is real. I have purchased a double pack of heavy duty batteries and they seem to last but so long. Is there a book, a manual does it get easier with time help a sister out???

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                  • JamaicanGirl: Alas there is no book or manual that I know of. 2 of the years I was busy getting my emotions in order after the divorce. The last year and counting is because I just wanna take things slow and I have only recently meant the “boo”. I have a very HEALTHY, HYPER, STRONG chexing appetite so once it does go there…he is in alot of trouble.

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                    • That’s why I went celibate. It wasn’t because I was trying to be a c*ock tease, I just needed to purge after having my heart broken. Interestingly, as h.orny as I was, celibacy provided me with much needed clarity. It was a period for me to decide what I wanted and needed from a man who I chose to give my temple to.

                      Everyone has their own reasons for celibacy. It doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, but to those practicing it, there can be significant reasons behind it.

                  • @ Anastasia

                    You deserve some sort of medal or honor or something. Shid…aint no way in hell I could do it. You’re a strong woman…lol.

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                  • “Halloween of 2005.”

                    I have won the gold of celibacy! June 2003— when I left my ex. The next 6-7 years I spent raising kids and fighting him in court. I seriously didn’t have time to think about a man. I had mentality closed shop on desires. It was all I could do to get through each day alive. Depression and anxiety is a mofo when you trying to hold down a job, raise three young kids, deal with a psychopath and the court system. Only recently did my friend help me break that pattern – Father’s day 2012. I ain’t never gonna forget! And, damn, I don’t think he realized what he unleashed! lol…

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                    • Dear NillaLatte What…The….Fcuk….u do realize that I was in high school the last time you did the horizontal tango right?! You do realize I’ve been out of college for 4 years right? Da hayull, those excuses you gave ain’t cuttin it lol. U need u an internal massage ASAP, you shouldn’t do your body like that it’s unhealthy and sh*t (wonders where Meisarebel went)

                    • @ JMTG… lmao… things are much better now, trust. My friend now was my friend back then. He had enough interest and respect (?) to give me the time I needed to get my life together. Of course, he didn’t wait on me for sex, and that’s okay because we didn’t have that kind of relationship back then. He kept in touch and frequently asked me if I was ready to date. He never pushed me, which was appreciated. I explained with all the turmoil going on in my life getting into a relationship wasn’t healthy or fair to me or to the man I might be with. He accepted that and, seriously, became my rock. And, I think you read that wrong JMTG… I just reinstated my ‘get me some’ card 2mos ago. :D

                    • Nilla you are telling my story, except it was 3 years! I ain’t been celibate for a minute! LMAO *cues in Missy Elliot’s Get Ya Freak On*

                • I just don’t understand. What is the point in this whole celibacy thing? Who wins? No one. Who loses? Everyone. Life is too short. SMDH.

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                  • That’s what I was wondering too lol! If I remember correctly she was talking about her ex in that scenario, but I thought Breezy had a man!

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                    • BH and ALY: In one post I was recalling how the ex-hubby and I got down. I currently have a boo but we haven’t *ahem* made mac and cheese.

    • *takes notes on every single discussion going on in this thread*

      - Make sure to flirt with every woman I come across during windy days because there’s a possibility at least one of them will be in heat. I live in the Windy City, this method is perfect for me.

      - Give out frequent hugs because you never know doing so might one woman “explode”.

      - Whispering in a woman’s ear while dancing does things that might lead to things in which she ends up playing with my thing.

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  3. There are very few acceptable arenas where guys feel comfortable showing passion and emotion, and sports is one of the few.
    Being passionate about sports has nothing to do with women, and that’s why it’s so great. The I Used to love H.E.R. type vibe of your story shows nothing other than connecting with something that ignited in you a feeling that you knew nothing else to do with except to cultivate. I’ve said before men flourishing in their element is exhilarating, inspiring, and sexy. So yes, ball scratching sports stat analysis is very sexy because it shows your commitment to something you love. Worm collecting would be too, I guess, if someone talked about it the way you just talked about basketball
    I can dig it.
    I’d love to hear what VSBs are passionate about. PA you can sit this one out, I think we know.

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    • “if someone talked about it the way you just talked about basketball”

      I just got a chuckle out of Champ’s post. His passion for basketball is cute. Lol. That’s the only way I can describe it, but I can only hope my future child develops a passion for something similar to this early on. It’s admirable to see when a child, and ultimately an adult can foster a deep appreciation and commitment to something that brings them unbridled joy. That’s great.

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    • Hmmm…my passion?
      Sports, particulary bowling. To see if i can do the same thing time after time, the competitive aspect of coming back from behind….definitely bowling. But, petty much all sports for me.

      Also, music, when i DJ and i go for the perfect set, which for me is a gang of songs that Gets humans dancing, with minimal variance on Bpm. I kinda notice these have nothing to do with impressing the opposite gender, but i don’t care to give them that much “power”

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  4. I don’t think everything men do is about sex but at least on some subconscious level it is about attention from those who pay attention to the kind of things a man is doing. Kind of like how you said “the mountain climber felt that the type of women (or men) he wanted sexual access to are into the type of men who would climb a mountain.” I loved bball as a kid too. Didn’t give a damn about what a woman thought. Postering a bunch of guys on the wall is definitely NOT what woman wants to see in a guys room but if she’s a women who’s into the guys on the wall she might be into you and then you’ll see the benefits of doing what you do.

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  5. Is everything about sex? No. However, a great many things men do are about sex. Especially when it comes to making money.
    Again, not everything of course. For example, i love videogames.
    But…
    I can tell you that every article of clothing that i’ve purchased was picked out with attraction possibilities in mind… and cologne as well.
    And when i hit the gym, i don’t just do it for the hell of it

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    • cosignage…

      i don’t see any other reason for going to the gym…..
      and clothes if i could get away with it…id do sweat pants and t-shirts, all day err day.
      use to be passionate about drawing and painting, but without a muse and stuck in the rat race of the working mans world….well……

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      • “use to be passionate about drawing and painting, but without a muse…”

        This! It’s crazy how much I would love to be a talented man’s muse…lol. I love talent. Are you accepting applications? lol

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        • It,s crazy, a couple of days ago I just happen to come across an old folder full of old stuff I did way back when I was going through my tortured artist stage in life….It’s been years since I picked up brush, or charcoal pencil . I tried to do a doodle at work…and nothing! I felt nothing, couldn’t even draw a stick figure. Everything I was passionate about and held dear, basketball, my art, reading about and wanting to save the world especially my people….all gone.
          I’m so dead inside…………………………………..

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      • the greatest feelinn i have ever felt for a man was he who has been my muse, and i his. it’s the space where everything comes together :: spiritual, emotional, and intellectual .. tho we never took it to the full physical space and in some way i wonder if that is even possible because art is sublimation .. mmm and since he been gone i been feelinn for that energy again but you knoww it is more rare than i could have eva imagined ..

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  6. I don’t think so. At least I hope not; everything being about sex seems lacking and fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, sex with the right person is super dope, but if that was all there is? Not worth it. But then again, I’m a woman, and we’re raised more with a focus on relationships > sex.

    Can sex get us closer to relationships? Sure, just like a love of basketball could make a person more well-liked, leading to being well-liked by women thus having sexual access…just in reverse.

    I’m rambling. It’s late. I think my point’s in there though…

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  7. Not everything. But we do base a lot of our decisions around s*x or the IDEA of s*x. Men are always claiming to be the more “logical” gender. But the idea of it, makes us do alot of illogical sh!t. Have you ever drove an hour across town, in the evening, to go visit a female who wanted to hang out because you MIGHT end up smanging her? Not very logical. But we do it anyway.

    Conversely, some things are done legitimately, but seen as you trying to obtain the panties. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it) for me playing videogames and reading comics is not one of them. They’re not seen as “cool”. However, I’m the type of guy who believes in giving a woman her props. If she’s pretty, has a beautiful smile/eyes, I stop her and let her know. Then I walk away and go on about my business. I’m not trying to hit on her, I don’t have ulterior motives, I just don’t see a problem with giving out a compliment.

    Though, now I kinda want to make a list of the sh!t men do in the Pursuit of Panties.

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    • Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you look at it) for me playing videogames and reading comics is not one of them. They’re not seen as “cool”. However, I’m the type of guy who believes in giving a woman her props. If she’s pretty, has a beautiful smile/eyes, I stop her and let her know.

      Applaud that man.

      I’ve been trying to say this for years. Some things we just do to get away from y’all. We love you, but sometimes a brother needs a break, and some things, y’all just don’t seem to get. So we do those things.

      But yes, there is always a subconscious consideration of “will this get me laid”, which is why most of us keep our comic collections at the house where you can’t see.

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      • Hell i keep my collection right in the open…….In my bedroom lol. The living room table has high brow books :-)

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      • What? Y’all never tried to impress women by telling them how much your comic book collection is worth? That’s where my conversation leads eventually when I’m tricked to talking comic books with the ladies. On another note, I find it annoying that some people to pretend that they are in to what you are into. They don’t have to like what I like, and I’m cool with that.

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    • “Have you ever drove an hour across town, in the evening, to go visit a female who wanted to hang out because you MIGHT end up smanging her?”

      In the evening? lol… back in the day I was seeing this dude and he called me at like 2 or 3am and asked me to come over to his house because he was lonely. Yeah, right, whatever. I got up still in my night gown (no pannies mind you), put on a robe and house shoes, and drove across town. Yeah, I knew what was going down.. so to speak…lol. I didn’t even think about what the fcuk I was gonna wear come morning until morning got there, then I realized I didn’t have any clothes! That’s when he donated to cover yo’ girls arse fund. ;) We all do crazy things from time to time.

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      • “In the evening? ”

        Yea, I’m not talking about “Booty Call Hours” type evening, I’m just talking about 6-10 PM type evenings. That time of day when people just chill.

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        • Oh, we chilled aight… ;) I really didn’t label it as a booty call because see I subscribe to ‘you gettin just as much as you givin’, plus he was my man at the time. We just kept it freaky fresh. lol…

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          • I get what you’re saying. But I’m just talking about casual eveings when a guy went above and beyond for the possibilty of reaching the promised land.

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      • LMAO That story just kilt me Nilla. I’ve literally gotten on a train traveled a hour to see dude then turned right around and a hour back, after umm 3 hours together just so I wouldn’t be late to an appointment I had in my town. LMAO I wore clothes though LMAO

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  9. “For men, is everything always really just about sex?”

    Hell yes. Yeah, I said it. I know it. Just ’cause you don’t want to admit it doesn’t mean it ain’t true. Think about it? Dribbling is like foreplay. Making a hoop is ‘getting it in.’ Rebound is coming back from a bad relationship. Shall I go on? :P

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  10. “But, I do think that the status given to guys who are good at it was on my mind on some subconscious level. I played it, read about it, watched it, talked about it, and thought about it because I loved it, but part of the reason why I loved it was because some part of me knew that loving it would reap benefits.”

    I think that whatever it is that fuels a man’s passion for “activity X” (i.e. basketball, worms, mountain climbing, video games, etc…) comes from the same place as his constant desire to feed his sexual appetite.

    Man, by nature, wants to conquer. We want to master. And with mastery comes power – the ultimate goal. For example, a man who is into mountains wants to know everything about them. He wants to climb the highest peak. Essentially, he wants to conquer it and exert his power over it.

    Why are men so into sports? It’s because of the element of competition. Sports gives us the perfect venue to show our mastery and power over other men. The winners and champions reap the benefit of being hailed as heroes because they have proven themselves to be the most powerful in their arena.

    Why are men so into sex? It’s because of the element of competition. Sex allows us to exert our power and dominance over our woman’s competing sexuality. To make her say, “Big Daddy, you’re the best (or “Big Daddy, you conquered me”…you get the idea)” is the equivalent of winning the NBA Finals, Superbowl, Stanley Cup, Daytona500, and The Masters. Hence the big grin on our face afterwards when we hear it (I know that I’m not the only one).

    Of course it feels great too…and relieves a lot of tension (as women can attest to). But our fascination with sex ultimately lies in our innate, subconscious desire to conquer.

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    • You know what? This is very well thought out and I see the logic in it. You get a very rare, but legendary, Co-Sign from the Tukmeister himself. Cherish it. Because my co-sign is more valuable than a Doctorates Degree. At your next interview with NASA, don’t say anything. Just say, “TUK Co-signed me” and you’ll get the job on the spot.

      “Hence the big grin on our face afterwards when we hear it (I know that I’m not the only one).”

      Eh, after hearing it for the 500th time it loses its luster. Not saying it isn’t great to hear, but it just lacks the same Im-The-Sh!tness you felt the very first time you heard it. What I really want, is to have sex with a latina/asian/indian/etc basically any woman who speaks a foreign language. I can only imagine what it must feel like to make her uncontrollably start muttering sexual encouragement in her native tongue. I must have that power.

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      • Exactly. We approach it the same way. We practice to get better. We keep stats (aka “notches on the bedpost”) to track progress. We salute those who prove to be the best…the players.

        If I’ve bagged five “7′s”, two “6′s”, and an “8″ in 2012 (hypothetically speaking, of course), I have a score of 55. If my homeboy bagged seven “8′s”, then he has a score of 56. He’s winning…and I need to get my numbers up. That’s why fugly chicks have a better chance of getting bagged around Christmas/New Years Eve. Dudes are trying to boost their scores before the EOY. As with everything in life, it’s a numbers game.

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    • I guess I shouldn’t be amazed that men really believe they are conquering or dominating the woman when they have chex. I guess that’s why its so easy to manipulate a man by calling him big daddy and telling him he’s the best.

      Peens are pretty much interchangeable, so its unlikely that a particular one will truly dominate a woman. It’s up to her if she wants to entertain the fantastically notion that only his will do. Cuz we all know, as soon as we get tired of his sh*t, the fog rolls away and we realize his peen is just an organ dangling from his body. But allowing men keep believing they dominate us with the peen allows for so many privileges and liberties and possibilities.

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