Why You Can’t Break Up With A Drunk People

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She ain't remembering sh*t in the morning.

She ain’t remembering sh*t in the morning.

Some many years ago, must have been like 2003 or 2004, I was back home visiting my family. Well, at this point, I had four nieces and nephews all ranging in age from 4 to 18 months. Well, two of the kids got into a toddler pushing match which looked a lot like Rock-Em-Sock-Em, a whole lot of action but nothing even close to an injury.

But I didn’t like it. I went into the belly of the beast, separated them, and gave something similar to one of the prisoner of the mind speeches that AshTrey gave in Don’t Be A Menace…when Keenan would come behind him and say message. It was moving. It was so moving that my audience, both 3 and 4, were speechless. They looked at me with respect and allegiance. At that moment, if I had asked for their loyalty as we traversed the Seven Seas, they would have been down. I’m good at speeches.

Or so I thought.

I finished my attempt at reasoning, along with the requisite, “do you understand? Will you play nicely now?” query. They both nodded yes.

I stood up and began to walk away when the 4-year-old combo’d the 3-year-old in a way that made my little sister (mother to one of the kids) say, “daaaaaaaaaaaamn…P, what’s wrong with you? You really just tried to reason with toddlers? For real??? You just got (insert kid name) knocked the f*ck out.”

We love Friday in my house.

I parallel that story to being pissed at your drunk girlfriend or boyfriend. I’m one of those people prone to not let an argument go. I will fight it out until we’ve fought so long that nobody agrees to disagree (the p*ssy way out) we just change subjects and move on. Nobody gives in, we just pivot.

Point is, there’s no resolution, just continued noise and disagreement. This is like arguing with a drunk person. There was a time in my life where I had a girlfriend whose drunken shenanigans truly pissed me the heave ho off. Every time. So much so that I wanted to give her the heave ho (no asthma). But I realized something, you can’t break up with somebody when they’re drunk. For one, they won’t remember it, so you’ll have to do it again. For b, have you ever actually tried to break up with a drunk person. Drunk people are the most extra people on the planet. Drunk women?

We’re talking Jupiter.

You tell a drunk women that you’re done with her she’ll do one of two things: 1. cry, scream, yell and beg you not to leave her and make a scene for anybody with in a 2 mile-radius; or 2. cry, scream, yell and attempt to embarrass the living f*ck out of you for anybody within your time zone. There’s very little middle ground. Now the problem is that drunkards tend to vacillate between the two which, admittedly, can be confusing. If somebody is begging you not to leave, you tend to try to keep them calm so they’ll hush.

You can also try to leave but drunk people have tremendous foot speed, torque, and agility – something in clear contrast to a drunk person having a regular ole drunk person good night. The point here is that engaging a drunk person in an emotional endeavor is not the move.

Again, you’ll have to rehash the entire convo again the next day anyway, except you’ll be so emotionally spent you likely won’t close the deal unless they boned your best friend (who is hopefully also drunk) or murdered a slew of kapuchin monkeys (or is it monkies?) – because who does that – since well, after you’ve slept it off and they have as well, you’re faced with the person who was unlike the drunk person that stood before you a night before.

If drunk people don’t know any better, and short people can’t reach the moon, then how can you, in good faith, conduct any transaction with a person who can neither reach the moon or know any better?

The main bullet point in this PSA is that you shouldn’t break up with with a drunk person because ultimately you’ll have to go through the motions twice. You can however drop a drunk motherlover off at their house and take their keys. A little light kidnapping and “holding against their will” never hurt anybody.

This has been a PSA brought to you by Panama Jackson Against Breaking Up With Drunk Ninjas Everywhere, or PJABUWDNE. The next day is fair game though. Just wait.

Thank you.

What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MOTHER*CKERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

343 thoughts on “Why You Can’t Break Up With A Drunk People”

  1. So now we know that not only does Panama have someone in his life, but he tried to break up with her last night.

    Interesting…..

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  2. “What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?”

    - The day before or on any major holiday (especially Valentine’s Day and including Super Bowl Sunday) or birthday
    - The day or day after someone gets fired from their job
    - The day before, day of or day after a close friend’s wedding
    - Within 60 to 90 days of losing a close loved one
    - Within 30 days of someone having their cable TV cut off
    - On November 1st, which is the official beginning of cuffing season

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    • that’s way too many rules, if you delay breaking up with someone because its some special day or the other. I say this because what if all these um days kinda keep happening and before you figure out you’re still in a relationship you want out of 6 months later? Arent you a douchebag for not breaking up with them and just tearing the band aid and walking off? Riddle me that

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      • True.

        Some people have an extreme stretch of bad luck, and then it seems there’s no perfect time to do the deed.

        However, no matter what, the longer you wait, the worse of a person you are, because pain only magnifies with time.

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    • I can get with day before or day after an important day but waiting more than 2 days when you KNOW is doing a bit much. Plus after a few days you’re just gonna do more harm than good.

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    • On another website where I hang out, people were saying that you should try to break up with someone before Halloween. Party season and family time is basically Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s. So if you have an inkling that you want out, best to do it before Halloween, and that way they have time to meet someone new and salvage the holiday period, or at least time to get over you so that their holidays won’t suck so badly.

      I dunno. I can see the logic. *YeShrug*

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      • I agree with the message! :) Good idea. I would say the sweet spot is between Labor Day and Halloween. Summer is over, so you’re less likely to have trips planned. Plus there aren’t a lot of events scheduled. Even though my birthday is in that period, I’m usually having a good enough time that I’d doubt I would sweat the breakup stuff.

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    • I agree with all of this except Nov. 1. I think if you want to break up with someone in November, earlier is better.

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  3. Yea, drunk ppl are impossible to deal with, especially if the person is me! Back in like ’07, before I was a mom, I used to go out & get sh*tfaced like 4-5 nights a week. I had a borderline drinking problem smh. Then I would come home & verbally abuse the living sh*t out of my bf at the time. He would tell me the next day like “yo, I can’t take this. When u drink you are the DEVIL.” Lmao. This post is so hilarious cuz it’s so true.

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    • Ice, no offense, but what ur describing is exactly why I NEVER party with white ppl. Last time I was in the club, white folks got shyt faced & stupid. I was the one yelling SECURITY! I’m da chill & feel my buzz kinda drunk. U might need more smoke to chill ur azz down! later

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      • Girl, I’m much more chill now. I only drink maybe once a week. Motherhood mellowed me big-time. Plus I was going through depression @ the time; acting out. I was jus like Rihanna when I was her age: excessive partying, promiscuity, the whole bit. I’m in a much more positive place now, I’m good.

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          • Yea. Like with Rihanna, that girl has issues. It’s so clear to me, cuz I used to be the exact same way. But folks just wanna bash her cuz she famous. They can’t see that she is lost, or either they jus don’t care.

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            • She’s famous, yeah, but she also went back to the man who damn near killed her, and now she wants to have his baby. smdh

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            • No people are mad at her because she’s famous, proud to be stupid and unwilling to take responsibility for the things she does but has no problems singing in front of someone’s kids…yet still saying “I am not a role model”.

              I agree, she’s just got issues. But when she chose to be singer to made a lot of songs tailored to teenagers and continues to do so despite being older now…she put her foot on a mine and now she can’t take her foot off no matter what she says.

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        • So you’re a cute, not particularly shapely West Indian chick who looks like they’d leave you shivering in a corner after a night of relations with you.

          Cool. :)

          I do see your point though. Acting out is not a game.

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      • ^^This^^

        Once upon a time, I went out with my colleagues. The only chocolate child in the vanilla mix. We all had access to our company’s campsite so we hung out there one weekend. They got rip-roaring drunk and nekkid. O_o

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      • Hey! You just described my apartment Junior year of college! The alcohol that flowed was incredible. I *really* enjoyed White privilege, because they didn’t raid our place once, despite the drunks streaming in and out. LOL

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    • Real talk…it took me a long time to understand why females have this issue and to stop the slut shaming.

      Once you get to the truth of the matter instead of just focusing on the bad deeds, it’s really not fair how harmful people are about it.

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  6. “What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?”

    Any time s/he starts a sentence with “I have something to tell you…” I just think of that commercial about the guy who dumped his girlfriend as she was trying to tell him she won $30mil lottery

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  7. When she is on her period.
    ( Ask Jazmine Sullivan and why she bust the windows out his car. )

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  9. When NOT to break up:

    1. When she’s on her…you know…
    2. After she’s just popped a Molly.
    3. While she’s watching Scandal – Do this and you will scar this poor woman. She will then proceed to only date rich white men for the rest of her life.
    4. During the Winter. You know, for cuddling and sh*t.
    5. After she just watched “Waiting To Exhale”. And “For Colored Girls”. In the same d*mn day. – Break up her with at this point and congrats, you’ve just created a man-hating Lesbian.

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    • “3. While she’s watching Scandal – Do this and you will scar this poor woman.”

      I don’t think most women would notice if you tried to break up with them during Scandal. People who watch that show don’t even brev during that hour.

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    • When TO break up:

      1. After you’ve just won 10 million + dollars in the lottery.
      2. After she tells you Twilight was a great romance series.
      3. If she can’t play Chess. – Fact: B*tches who can’t play Chess, aren’t very good at keeping their vaginas clean. Don’t ask how the two are coorelated, just know that they are. Cause I said so…
      4. If she eats all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. – If you eat the LAST bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the greatest ceral ever, then you gotta bounce.
      5. If she tries, more than once, to stick her finger in your azz during chex. Yes, I’m fully aware that there’s a spot in the male anus that intensifies our orgasms. And I don’t give a f*ck. My azz is an exit, not an entrance.
      6. After she’s told you she’s taking you on Jerry Springer because she has to tell you a secret. – She’s really a man. Rock Bottom his/her azz then run.

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    • “5. After she just watched “Waiting To Exhale”. And “For Colored Girls”. In the same d*mn day. – Break up her with at this point and congrats, you’ve just created a man-hating Lesbian.”

      This sounds like half the women in the Auburn-Opelika area…
      *shots fired*
      More on that later…much, much later…

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    • ” Break up her with at this point and congrats, you’ve just created a man-hating Lesbian.”

      or a Clutch writer…
      or a twitter feminist…

      -h.h.h. uses SHADE-

      -it’s VERY EFFECTIVE!-

      Reply ↓

  10. “What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?”

    Three days before or after Valentine’s Day
    Their birthday
    During sex
    If he/she is holding a gun/bat/knief
    Whilst they are cooking (hot grease doe…)

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  11. I once broke up with a guy after he told me he was homeless. Pls don’t judge me but his lack of ambition irked my soul.

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  12. Don’t do it on April Fools Day.

    And I disagree about memories of dates of events fading. I still remember the dates of most of my first dates, both breakups and the three most memorable kisses.

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  13. Never break up with a person in private if you’re 50% sure they may try to kill you. Do it at Dennys instead :-)

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  16. “What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?”

    –When her brother or father just got out of prison.
    –When she’s Taylor Swift.

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  17. Here’s one that happened to a friend of mine.

    Him: “I’m breaking up with you.”

    Her: “If you break up with me, I’ll kill myself.”

    So he broke up with her, and she was in the hospital that night with a pill overdose. He felt guilty and took her back. Their relationship continued to be rocky, but he was afraid to break up with her. They were married a couple of years later. They have a daughter now.

    They still have a dysfunctional relationship, mind you. I think they’ve been married about seven years.

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  19. Was in a similar situation I ain’t turn back like Deniro in Casino, in my. eyes she was already gone to me, once i learned she was ok, i immediately turned to anger, one she knew how I felt about suicide in general, two I just think it’s cruelest thing you could do to someone you love.

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  20. Break up with her at a concert. The concert will drown out the crying and the noise. Plus you can disappear into the crowd. You should be able to lose her if she’s drunk. If not at concert, break up with her and then stand completely still. I hear if you stay really still she won’t be able to see you. Wait, that’s for escaping a T-rex. Try it anyway. I’m not sure if this works on drunks, but if she smokes, you can try to confuse her. Here’s what you do: Let her puff a while, then say, ” I can’t break up with you because….we were never together (pass the blunt and simulate the sound of wind going through wind chimes). That’s all I got. :-)

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  21. can’t break with her when you have no back up , on her birthday, on her birthday again when you know her ex left her on her birthday before, within a week of a parent dying, after receiving an extravagant gift, while snowed in together….I might could almost be speaking from experience

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  22. By the way, the title is brilliant. Sh!t made sense to me until I looked at it again. Then I wondered if I was drunk for a moment. Look at PJ tricking me into empathizing wth my drump-offs (drunk jump-offs). You a clever MF. :-)

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  23. A.ong with drunk people never try to break up with someone within two weeks of a funeral. If you are mourning they won’t believe you and think your distraught and continue to call you to comfort you. This will necessitate you breaking up with them at least 3 times or more. If they are mourning it kinda makes you seem like a jerk for breaking up with them while they are grieving their Nana. Plus they will call you to cuss you put after they finish crying. So wait 30 days after any funeral for a break up.

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  24. I dont even like drinking with my girl/boobookins. I can deal with wine buzz but full on drunk, is never a good time. I immediately sober up and have to enter protection mode, while she’s stumbling and sounding like Kesha….I can’t yo

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  25. This ended a relationship:
    Had a bf tell me while leaving in bed that his d!ck was sore from doing another chick…needless to say that ended the relationship.

    This ended a potential friendship/relationship:
    Had a dude tell me he likes me but he doesn’t do ldr but we are still hella cool…rejection is a bsh!

    *runs away sobbing*

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      • Todd: In the end it was ok because it needed to end. He had a MAJOR p0rn0 and alcohol problem in addition to being the worst lay in the history of mankind.

        Thinking back on that day, he actually saved me 4 mins and 37 seconds of my life that would have been given up to him doing his signature “poke it to the right side” move… O_o

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        • “poke it to the right side”
          –
          that shyt just tickled me to death…i know, i know – THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID!!! lol…..

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        • A pr0n problem? I never quite got that. You mean you literally can’t stop polishing your knob for more than 10 minutes? There’s nothing else popping in your life right now? I never got that crowd, but I know it’s a very real phenomenon. *shrug*

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  26. I’ve only had one really bad brea kup, and that break up was destined to be bad whether it occurred on a “special” day or any other time. There is no bad time to break up with someone. Life is too short, if you know it’s over then end it. You really not doing anybody any favors by waiting a few extra days. Can’t do it on their birthday, what if their birthday is mid week and they not celebrating till the weekend? Do I have to wait until after the party? Do I have to give them the obligatory birthday sex too? What if a string of birthdays, holidays, family tragedies, weddings all fall together? Now I’m with you 3-4 months longer than I wanted to be. Nope, ain’t nobody got time for that.

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  27. don’t break up with somebody while they are down on one knee with and open ring box….in front of friends and family…

    don’t break up with somebody while on vacay – especially if not on american soil…

    don’t break up with somebody the day they get out of prison…

    don’t break up with somebody the day they get back from their 2nd tour in iraq…

    don’t break up with somebody the day their dog dies…cats are ok tho – well, maybe not – cat owners can be a lil strange…

    don’t break up with somebody after they walk in on you having chex with someone else – *you cheatin’ AND you gonna tell me to leave and him to stay??? oh, somebody gots to die!!*

    ALWAYS break up with somebody that leaves a 4 minute off-key rendition of ‘always & forever’ on your voicemail at #toodamnearlyo’clockinthemorning on valentine’s day – yeah…….

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      • shout out to all the military wives who hold down their husbands until they come home…. to find out she’s banged half the town AND the homie.

        shout out to the military wives who hold their husbands down until they get home…….in order to provide the proper can of whoop ass after recieving that video of him being a man whore while on tour.

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    • “don’t break up with somebody while they are down on one knee with and open ring box….in front of friends and family…”

      Lol. I know, right. But, it seems to me if you are going to do one of those high-profile proposals you should have done your due diligence to make sure you are going to get the right answer.

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  28. I see much drama in these comments & I have to admit that now I understand why folks just go ghost rather than dealing with all the potential drama. I can’t say I haven’t faded on someone, cause, yeah, I’ve done that then explained/made it official later. I think fading for a minute kind of gives them space to regroup with themselves (& myself) to center & bring clarity, unless they just flipping crazy, yeah, then ghost is best & at any time.

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  29. After graduating professinal school where she held you down.

    Right after the pregnancy test puts you in the clear.

    Right after your ex breaks up with her boyfriend…

    While she’s driving.

    While you’re driving.

    At your engagement party for your other girlfriend.

    11am.

    Chemo.

    While she’s on twitter/facebook

    During a Snapped marathon.

    At that waffle house. Don’t ruin the magic.

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  30. I want to add:

    Don’t break up Before, During, or Right After Graduation, Labor, Vacation, or during Evaluation-Performance/Promotion Period for Work

    Those times will make people go into Assassin Mode, especially the Labor one

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  31. Whatever happened to “All’s fair in love and war”? I broke up with my girl three days before Thanksgiving. #americangangster

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  32. I wish I could relate. I can’t recall ever breaking up with someone. Wait. Once in college. I was dating an ugly guy to prove to myself that i wasn’t shallow. Didn’t work. It wasn’t hard to break up with him after listening to him talk about how we needed to compromise. But he pronounced it com PROMISE. he sounded like an idiot and soups makes me mad. Add that to ugly and he could be mourning, it wouldn’t make a difference.

    But usually I’m the breakup ee.. I don’t know why. Maybe cuz once I commit to something, I stick with it. Don’t like to go back on my word.

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  33. A bad time to break-up with someone is in 2004. Results: horrible song.

    A bad time to break-up with someone is the day of your wedding. That should have happened a LOOOOOONG time ago!

    It’s also bad to break-up with someone at a funeral or at a hospital. Unless the break-up is mutual. But are break-ups really mutual? Hmm…

    It’s also bad to break-up with someone on a mountain in DR. He’ll just throw you off the mountain and then kill himself.

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  34. I usually avoid all of the awkward times of year for breakups. I’m the master executioner when it comes to relationships. Every breakup I’ve done, I’ve managed to do with the skill of a ninja.

    Now, with my wife…well, I get “left” like twice a year. Maybe one day she’ll actually leave. I know this time, I had to get lawyers just in case. Of course, I knew she couldn’t do what she said because she lacked the resources to pull it off. So of course, I got the dramatic “I’ve decided to stay” speech. I was thinking to myself that unless she low-key won the lotto, she couldn’t pull off what she said anyway. LOL

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    • “So of course, I got the dramatic “I’ve decided to stay” speech. I was thinking to myself that unless she low-key won the lotto, she couldn’t pull off what she said anyway.”

      BOL! I’m so sorry to laugh but I’ve heard a similar speech. “If I left, you’d be alone, so I decided to stay.” LOOOL

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      • Me a de don-don, de don-dong, de dong-dong diggide
        De dong-dong, de dong-dong, de dong-dong diggide
        Remember the name of the crew is called B.P.D.
        Remember the name of the crew is called B.P.D!

        Sorry, I had to flip that KRS-One hook for this one. It’s good to know you understand that one. After hearing it for the eighth time, it kind of loses its power. It’s like OK now, here’s the suitcase, and lemme know where you move to. LOL

        Oh, and to Camilleblue, I wouldn’t have the fattys come to my house. I would go to them. Remember, I have a daughter. There’s so much cleaning up a brother can do in his house after a set like that without a kid discovering something that would require…a Very Special Conversation. LOL

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        • of course…how rude of me to forget about baby girl…duly noted…babysitters will be on hand so that you may attend the next set to be thrown at *insert name here* lounge, club/strip club, or the basement of your boys crib…..

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        • LOL one day I said to him, “You know what? I won’t believe you’re gone until you’ve signed a lease to another place and given me your keys.” Never heard “I’m leaving!” ever again after that LOL.

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    • So of course, I got the dramatic “I’ve decided to stay” speech.
      –
      to which you responded by picking up the phone and cancelling the orders for the locksmith, movers, cable company, and all yo boys and the fattys they was bringing with them that was coming over to throw a set that night….

      Reply ↓

  35. Another bad time is while they are writing their manifesto. Don’t upgreade a suicide into a Murer/Rampage-suicide.

    Right after she did that filthy thing you had been trying to talk her into doing for forever.

    When your in a YMCA in connecticut with nation wide TV coverage.

    Apparently while on vaccation in Aruba.

    Alone in the car when you’re scheduled to perform at the Grammys in half an hour.

    Before she drops off your insulin.

    After Kobe puts up the do not disturb sign.

    At her family reunion, in Oakland…

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  36. The night before they have to drive you to the airport because you flew out to visit them.

    That experience itself is worth my own TV show.

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    • shyt…u actually got them to still take you to the airport??? ninja…u knew u was breaking up with me…u on your own…and u betta think reeeeal hard about having another woman come get u….

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      • In my defense…she was a real c*nt and I had no idea until I spent those two weeks with her. Phone/computer chats did her personality no justice, it really took seeing her everyday life for me to quit the fantasy.

        Plus….it was that last day that the final straw came from how much shyte I was going to take from her. I did something equally f*cked up back as a response and then I realized..nah..this isn’t going to work.

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        • ok….imma give u some very sound advice…cause you my new found e-boy and all…don’t EVER spend 2 weeks with somebody the FIRST time you meet in person. EVER. EVER-EVER. ain’t no gchat, echat, facetime, phonesex THAT d@mn good. u hear me? Oh! and since u swear that your girl is gonna kill you in your sleep i’m also gonna tell you not to break up with her when u sleepy as hell and wanna take a power nap….

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          • Well this was years ago in my “I’m a depressed black nerd with low self esteem, health issues and I think the world hates me, so I’ll act like a leech if anyone shows me an ounce of attention” phase. I honestly just didn’t know any better but that situation sparked the flame and I never looked back since.

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  37. A great time to break up with someone should be St. Patrick’s Day.

    You get to be Irish for a day, you both get to be drunk so maybe sex is a trade-off (the angry kind too, what’s a better farewell than that?), AND you get to wear green, which should help hide the blood from your broken nose.

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  38. Attention VSB.

    After yesterday’s talk of Gchat and all that crap, Breezy has come up with the ingenious idea that we should have a VSB chat group.

    Since there’s already an e-mail list for NYers when we do our meet up group, I wanted permission for everyone on that list if we could add everybody else on it, so we can all talk.

    Your choice people, your choice.

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  39. first off you are messing with bad drunks
    i am in most cases a wonderful drunk
    I am fun loving, wild and a great dancer.
    i also have an amazing karaoke voice when im drunk and an amazing almost fireman stripper poll twirl down pact.
    (unless i drink to much cheap vodka then i do tend to paint that “S” on my chest and buff up from time to time )
    otherwise
    im pretty awesome so this leads me to believe that regardless of what drunk shenanigans transpired and pi$$ed you off its still your fault for choosing the wrong type of drunk to deal with and then there is no need to worry about breaking up with them. #Message.

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    • “first off you are messing with bad drunks
      i am in most cases a wonderful drunk”

      Almost everyone who’s a drunk says that. Their acquaintances say otherwise.

      How do I know this? Let’s just say I’m in the know…

      Reply ↓

      • Almost everyone who’s a drunk says that. Their acquaintances say otherwise.

        the only acquaintances that dont say this are non drinkers.
        and they suck and are therefore bad going out partners unless they serve the purpose of being designated drivers.. but he.ll i damn near will just pay the cab fare

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  40. After you’ve made the chex tape… smh
    Ladies- Before he pays for dinner… just hang-on, another 10 minutes isn’t gonna kill you (twss)
    Fellas- In YOUR house

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    • “Fellas- In YOUR house”
      –

      truth…because we gives not a #goodgatdamn about the shyt in YOUR house….

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    • Boy! This girl on “cheaters” caught her bf with his buss-down at his house. She took a baseball bat to the flat screen, laptop, errthang!! It was NOT pretty smdh

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  41. BTW, Panama, when I first read the phrasing of the title of this post (“with A drunk people”), I was expecting a post about breaking up with the Russians — all of them.

    Reply ↓

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