Perpetually and hopelessly single Girl sends an email to her homegirls, asking them to please be extra vigilant in their on-going search for Girl’s potential future beau. Girl’s homegirls — tired of Girl ruining brunches with her increasingly melancholy laments about her (lack of) dating success and also annoyed with smell of staleness emitting from Girl’s vagina — agree to help Girl with her search, even though they know that Girl’s standards means that there’s a better chance of seeing Muammar Gaddafi on Dancing With The Stars than finding her a match.
But, as luck would have it, one of Girl’s homegirls does happen to meet a Boy who should be a perfect fit. Successful (he’s a lawyer), handsome (he’s a lip model for Chapstick), funny (he was a finalist on the 1st season of Last Comic Standing), adventurous (he owns a full-grown liger), athletic (he plays semi-pro rugby), hood-enough (he goes to a Black barbershop and his name is “Malik”), and well-endowed (in college, a group of very impressed women nicknamed him “baby-arm”), Boy is a close to a perfect man as you can get. Girl’s homegirl tells Girl about Boy, and Girl is extremely excited (and extremely wet).
But, Girl also realizes that her homegirl is leaving out one very important piece of information. You see, although Girl is 5’0” in heels, she refuses to date anyone under 6’2”, and when Girl finds out that Boy is “only” 5’10”, Girl’s no longer interested and her panties immediately dry back up. Girl’s homegirl realizes that this is the last straw, and, realizing that Girl will continue to make everyone’s life a living hell, hires and sends a team of ninjas (not “n*ggas,” but actual ninjas) to Girl’s apartment to murder her. They succeed.
Although this tale was a bit hyperbolic, it’s not really that far from the cold hard reality of women and their completely illogical height preferences; a dastardly phenomenon with far reaching effects. Men who reach the average height for an American male — 5’9” — are routinely dismissed by women as “short,” and legitimately short men — men who fall under the average — remain the only demographic on Earth who it’s still socially acceptable to ridicule and/or discriminate against.
As pointed out in yesterday’s “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating,” even many (if not most) midget broads still feel entitled to be with men who reach the ever so notable 6′ mark…even though only one out of every seven men qualifies.
This state of mind also affects how we categorize behavior. An asshole who happens to be 6’3”? Just an asshole. A 5’3” asshole? An example of Napoleon syndrome. An 6’1” man whipping a F-150? Cool. A 5’5” man whipping a F-150? Overcompensating.
Even (the few) women who are completely self-aware still take part in this foolishness, saying things like “I know it’s wrong to say this, but how’s it going to look when I bring my midget man to the family reunion and he gets picked last for volleyball?”
Yeah, I know that was funny, but imagine if this was said about, I don’t know, “big” women.
“I know it’s wrong to say this, but how’s it going to look when I bring my whale woman to the family reunion and she eats all the damn catfish?” (Ok, this was still kind of funny, but you get my point)
The most telling part of this phenomenon is that it exposes women who attend services at Our Lady of The Completely Illogical Height Preferences as being just as shallow and superficial as they accuse men of being. While chiding men for going gaga for God-given gluteus gifts or (gasp!) having a certain hair or complexion preference, they’re showing no shame in freely expressing that their relentless need to rock 6 inch heels and still be able to “look up” to their beaus automatically disqualifies any man who’s not at least five inches taller than her from coitus contention.
Sometimes they’ll even try spit some evolutionary gobbledygook about “feeling safer” with a taller man, like you need that extra two inches to help fend off the woolly mammoths and foaming crackheads of the Saks Fifth Serengeti. F*ckers.
Admittedly, it’s true that you can’t fabricate physical attraction, and I’m sure the illogical height preference hoochies will remind me of that fact. But, once you get to the meat of their mindset, you find that the preferences are 90% based on appearances. Basically, it’s not that she’s not attracted to men who don’t meet her requirements, she’s just concerned about the comments her homegirls will leave on her Facebook profile pics when they see that her new boo can head-butt her in the nose without bending over. At least a man’s preference for T and A is actually about the T and A…not whether his girl’s ass will look fat enough when he takes her to the company picnic.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, how do you feel about the completely illogical height preferences phenomenon? Do you think women are justified in feeling this way, or is the hypocrisy making you gag?
Also, for those who do pray at the height preferences alter, explain yourselves! Why exactly are you so hell-bent on being the Nate Robinson to your man’s Yao Ming? What’s wrong with just finding a Rondo?
***In just case you missed it, last week The Root compiled a list of “30 Black Bloggers You Should Know,” and VSB was the first blog listed! We are extremely appreciative of (and humbled by) all of this recognition, and we couldn’t have done it without you all. Thank you for continuing to be the best community on the internet***
And, um, if you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you?