by the time you read this, i will have already made reservations to spend friday evening eating overpriced pan-asian entrees with my girlfriend at the type of obnoxiously postmodern restaurant usually frequented by overemployed gay business men who dress like sephora salesladies and look like jeremy piven
i may have already spent approximately $15.50 on greeting cards for my mother and sister, despite the fact that said cards will only be read once and will both probably contain the same fisher-price inspirational phrases regularly found in hill harper books and rehab clinic pamphlets.
there’s also a slight chance that i might have already crafted the multi-faceted lie i’m planning to tell to my girlfriend to trick her into allowing me to watch the entire nba all-star weekend guilt-trip free.
you’ve probably assumed by now that i consider the upcoming valentine’s weekend to be a completely contrived and bothersome event, a holiday created on planet bullshit in the galaxy of “sucks camel dicks“…and you’d be correct. i hate this day with the heat of a thousand pairs of john edwards’ drawers. i wouldn’t spit on valentine’s day if it was on fire. despite this, we’ve never needed valentines day more than we do today, and i happily welcome its annoying ass presence
between the recession deep depression, obama’s approval ratings, the earthquake, the snow, tiger’s hoes, and the countless articles, interviews, and exposes out there listing the myriad reasons why none of us are eligible, marriageable, home-trained, or huggable, black america’s in dire need of a day that forcibly reminds us that we’re all loved and capable of loving, regardless of how inauthentic the day itself might seem.
a day where professional cynics like me save for and slave for a simple smile or a “wow, we haven’t been here in a while”, where girlfriends finally volunteer to sleep in the wet spot, and where fathers and sons put away the macho pretense and finally profess how much they love each other. a day where we all make the phone call to the great aunt we’ve been “meaning to call” for four months now, where both the redroom and red lobster are reservation only, and where inner-city teachers actually receive candy apples on their desk instead of insults and apathy. a day where, well…a day we all need a little bit of right now.
so, whether you’re single or happy or coupled up or nappy, raise your glasses and toast our favorite february day.
“here’s to valentine’s day. fuck you. and thank you”
—the champ
This post is one part of our 2010 Valentine’s Day Triple Threat Celebration! Check out our other two selections:
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*raises water(?) bottle in return*
cheers and sh*t
I actually didn’t hate this. bravo and sh%t.
Good blog Champ.
you were expecting to hate it?
I actually like this a lot. I read it post vday and felt better that I was not hugged up with my boo in some overpriced restaurant that I did not want to go to. I ended up staying home watching the all star game and having random people explain to the the relevance of horse where they could not make the shots and creating the record for making the farthest shot while sitting down. So thank you.
by the time you read this, i will have already made reservations to spend friday evening eating overpriced pan-asian entrees with my girlfriend at the type of obnoxiously postmodern restaurant usually frequented by overemployed gay business men who dress like sephora salesladies and look like jeremy piven
Enjoy….but only if you’re not too bitter……lls
i know i’ve asked this before, but what does lls mean?
I believe it stands for laughing like S*!t but i’ve been known to be wrong about these kind of things
@The Champ…Laughing Like Sh*T is correct, if you have asked before then, please try & remember for next time or perhaps an acronym chart is in order for you, wait, I’m sorry I am at work & the day is really dragging, & I am very irritated at this point and just want to GTFOH….and I am sure you know what that means..
@ klysha- of course you are correct on this one,,,poor Champ, all this time I thought he knew what all of the cool kids was saying…
“there’s also a slight chance that i might have already crafted the multi-faceted lie i’m planning to tell to my girlfriend to trick her into allowing me to watch the entire nba all-star weekend guilt-trip free”
Lol. Why is the NBA all-star game always during Valentine’s Day weekend? I love basketball, so I watch it and took my last boyfriend to a basketball game during Valentine’s Day weekend but it must be hard if you’re significant other isn’t a fan.
Why is the NBA all-star game always during Valentine’s Day weekend?
i think david stern might be the devil.
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Geez champ, I didn’t know you were the star of the Rankin/Bass cel-animation special “Lawd, I Hate The Sh*t Outta Valentine’s Day!”.
While I agree that people shouldn’t bullsh*t each other on Valentine’s Day just to ‘seem’ romantic; any excuse for people to have non-digital contact is a good one.
Thanks to Facebooking each other to death, texting/sexting our ‘deepest feelings’ to the ones we love, lots of folks seem to have lost the art of romantic interluding w/ their partners/bootycalls/blow-up dolls etc…
Damn dude, please, go to a sports bar this Sunday (or wherever you go to get your NBA fix on) and don’t bother lying to your girl ‘n sh*t. We females can sense the whole “I’d rather be jabbing my eyes out w/ wasabi covered chopsticks than doing these mushy stuff w/ you” vibe. It clit-kryptonite to us. Set up a nice bath w/ candles, girly-scented sh*t and let her soak for X amt. of hours in the tub while you watch the game= better than faking it.
‘Cuz no one enjoys it when it’s fake.
Agreed…a begrudging “sentiment” results in saharan vaginal dryness…
which can be directly linked to oral dryness…
Notice a theme?
*puts geek glasses on while reading from medical dictionary*
AHA Tenchi! I see you have read the Master(bater)s & Johnson study regarding the deadly links between vaginal dryness>oral dryness> which of course leads to the dreaded illness “No Givin’ Brain-itis”.
@ GeekChicness
Since you have on your *geek glasses & are reading from the Medical dictionary, could you, or would you please look up “Napalm Vagina” for me? I’m just still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing , since John Mayer has brough it into my conciousness…Thanks in Advance
Miss Bajanfclchick: I’ve consulted the United Negro Nerd Council on this matter: John Mayer claims Jessica Simpleton umm.. Simpson was 'sexual napalm'.
We performed a query, the database answered:Sexual naplam= things stupid 2520 boys say 'cuz they wouldn't recognize good booty if it hit 'em in the face.
@GeekChicness- thanks so much for looking that up for me “sexual napalm” , “napalm vagina”. all that ish is like you said…”things stupid 2520 boys say ‘cuz they wouldn’t recognize good booty if it hit ‘em in the face”-I am co-signing here 150 gazillion % …thanks for consulting for me, dem negroes at the council never get back to me so quickly…maybe it’s a geek thang * perhaps i should investigate & get myself a new name & sh*t…once again, i am greatful
lmao you guys are silly.
“*puts geek glasses on while reading from medical dictionary*
AHA Tenchi! I see you have read the Master(bater)s & Johnson study regarding the deadly links between vaginal dryness>oral dryness> which of course leads to the dreaded illness “No Givin’ Brain-itis”.”
LOL
“Set up a nice bath w/ candles, girly-scented sh*t and let her soak for X amt. of hours in the tub while you watch the game= better than faking it.
‘Cuz no one enjoys it when it’s fake”
So true! There is also the idea of celebrating V-Day another time.
*High Five Geekchicness*
“‘Cuz no one enjoys it when it’s fake.”
speak for yourself and sh*t
I wouldn’t call the commercial BS necessary, but folk need love honey period, everyday, show it receive it give it, on a variety of levels..all year and if you are fortunate enough to have someone special, than treating them so, should be something that goes down on the reg..that carries more weight with someone like moi, than gestures on called “holidays”…just my .02 *kanye shrug*
i understand that. but still, we all have a tendency to take our loved ones for granted. honestly, i dont see the problem with one day serving as a simple reminder
Right there with you…
I’ve always been a sucker for Valentines…ALWAYS. It’s like crossing the T’s and dotting all the I’s..like the cherry on top of a sundae, whipped cream on hot chocolate, almond milk spiced with nutmeg, vanilla and honey…it’s the bee-knees man, lol.
While I like Valentines day, I wish we could have better non-chocolate treats to eat.
amen to that!!! i like chocolate, but more than 1g of it makes me sick lol
i hate chocolate.
“I’ve always been a sucker for Valentines…ALWAYS. It’s like crossing the T’s and dotting all the I’s..like the cherry on top of a sundae, whipped cream on hot chocolate, almond milk spiced with nutmeg, vanilla and honey”
so basically valentines day is like diabetes?
lmao
almond milk spiced with nutmeg
Hmmmmm….. *goes to dreamy place of fantastic combinations*
It looks new around here. The reply buttons are all black and ish. Black power! *raises fist*
Anyhow, great post, Champ. Your quote here definitely sums up the reason why V-Day is a good thing:
“…black america’s in dire need of a day that forcibly reminds us that we’re all loved and capable of loving…”
Word.
In other news, you mentioning Red Lobster reservations just reminded me how much I died when I saw a White Castle sign that said, “Make your Valentine’s Day Reservations Here!”. I’m sure there will be special miss t-lee V-Day special edition throat punches heard ’round the country.
@Cheekie, LOL @ the black power buttons. I am moving the furniture around a bit.
It looks good.
I likey! Good look.
“Make your Valentine’s Day Reservations Here!”. I’m sure there will be special miss t-lee V-Day special edition throat punches heard ’round the country.”
You shol’ right!!!
I wish we had white castles here just so I could have seen that sign…lmao
Some sad sacks are gonna be on the couch Sunday night playing like that. Don’t do it, reconsider!!!
Man….we just came back from Kentucky and the FIRST Stop was White Castles!!! They got fish nibblers now…say whaaaattt?!!! They comin up! LOL
“I wish we had white castles here just so I could have seen that sign…lmao”
Girl, I was rollin’ for like 10 minutes straight after we passed that sign. We were straight roastin’ folks in hypothetical situations, like if a ninja WOULD try that ish on me, there will be quite a bit of hell to pay. lol Somethin’ about sittin’ at White Castle’s on V-Day don’t curl all the way over. I mean, I know times are tough, but I’ll take a homemade sammich picnic (actually, that’ll be more thoughtful) before I sit my arse down there on V-Day. My boy posted the pic on facebook and he said that the reservations come with a rose and a card. *DYING 50-lem deaths*
@Smiley Face,
They got fish nibblers, on the real? I haven’t been there
since my last drunken escapadein a while, but I shole love their chicken breast sammiches. I gotta taste the fish, though! Good lookin’ out.@ Cheekie
The only way I could see this working is for pure nostalgia.
Like they met at a White Castle, or their first date was there or something.
*reaching*
LMAO
LOL! Exactly.
In other news, you mentioning Red Lobster reservations just reminded me how much I died when I saw a White Castle sign that said, “Make your Valentine’s Day Reservations Here!”.
is it just me, or does white castle have the worst food out of any of the fast food restaurants? (well, any fast food restaurant except hardees, which deserves its own category of shittyness)
So it’s bad Champie?
I’ve never had White Castle…ever, and folks are always telling me I’m missing something…lol
We used to have Hardee’s round here, and I know that mess is horrendous.
Then you should leave white castle right where its at cuz its on the list of bad sh*t right next to hardee’s!
White Castle is not the worst, but I only really enjoy it when drunk (since it is usually the only thing open around the crib).
LMFAO @ Hardees. I haven’t had that since I was eight. The one I went to (just remember going a couple of times) was in a suburb by Chicago and it closed after just about a year of being open and it’s the only one I’ve seen since.
Every had Jack in the Box? I guess I my thoughts on nasty fast food may be questionable because I actually like Hardees.
You must have been in St Louis when you saw that White Castle sign
“there’s also a slight chance that i might have already crafted the multi-faceted lie i’m planning to tell to my girlfriend to trick her into allowing me to watch the entire nba all-star weekend guilt-trip free”
I strongly doubt this will happen. If anything it might be time for you to invest in a TiVo DVR.
tiVo deez
Awwww. Very nice! I hope your girl lets you watch all-star weekend Champ:)
welcome and sh*t (i think)
Thank you Champ! I really enjoy your blog. Happy V-DAY!
Nice post and so true.
Of course you’re supposed to show your SO love and appreciation every day of the year, but what’s so wrong with going the extra mile one day out the year? And with Panama’s suggestions in the previous post, you can do it on the cheap.
I have yet to meet anyone who would frown on a little extra lovin and attention.
well put
“where girlfriends finally volunteer to sleep in the wet spot”
My S.O. has done this several times of the last eight years… most awesome woman ever!
“and where fathers and sons put away the macho pretense and finally profess how much they love each other.”
This one is going to be difficult. My pops is a 78 yr old black man born and raised in SC. The father/son love between My brother, Pops, and Myself is never spoken of but is acknowledged. Odd huh?
I have no idea as to what I’m doing with my gf on Sunday. I do know two large steaks will be involved. *Please pardon the apathy. Her Birthday was last Friday.* I actually don’t mind doing anything she asks because I can’t bring myself to watch the entire All-Star game.
Any suggestions for a good Reisling? There isn’t any beasting planned for, but it could happen.
Any suggestions for a good Reisling?
Most purists like Rieslings from Germany and Alsace, but the best vintage years for good Rieslings in recent times were 2005, 2004, and 2001… So look for any good riesling from Germany ( Mosel- Saar- Ruwer) region in any of these years… These can run you a bit but they should still be under $30.
If you want something more specific, I will recommand the ’05 Gunderloch Jean Baptiste Riesling Kabinett… It’s a good one.
Good luck!
Thanks! I can’t wait to say “Gunderloch” in my worst, stereotypical German accent when I get to Total Wine tomorrow. Bless you!
I dislike everything about Valentines day from the vomit pink and red color scheme to the awkwardness and pressure it creates in the not quite defined yet relationships that I tend to be in (if I’m in any kind of relationship at all) around that time of year. Since I’m not in any relationship this year I plan to pretend that the holiday doesn’t exist and spend the day recovering from pre-Mardi Gras partying on Bourbon St. the night before… Except I did get my mom a card because she likes that kind of thing…(*sidenote* Hallmark is clearly putting a pressure tax on these cards…I didn’t read the back when I picked it out and got to the register and it was almost $5 for a pretty basic card. Didn’t even have any glitter dust or extra embellishment…they are clearly getting over cuz they know nobody wants to look like a cheapskate at the register *end side note*)
H/OWEVER despite my feelings on this holiday I do agree that it’s a good idea to put some days on the calendar that force people to show their love for others. Yeah you should do it everyday but we all know that without the reminders most of us would just take our loved one’s for granted all year.
@The Champ – Going to Plum??
soba. (although i did hear that plum was nice)
@ mis-t-lee
I know I’m all late to the party but I don’t have Valentine this year, the reason I’m chilling in my pj’s and reading the blog on V-day.
My take on White Castle (or Krystal’s in parts of the south) is that you have to grow up on the food. You can’t be 32 and just going. You have to have some childhood memory about the place. That way if the food is bad (which really its not, but the time of day and your level of drunkiness does contribute to the deliciousness of the food) your taste buds revert back to that time you were 9 and you and your cousin peaches went there after visiting big momma that one summer, and it tastes just like it did then.
BYW, my vote for most nastiest is def Jack in the Crack.
i agree that valentine’s day is a good day to celebrate black love, but i think that every day is just as good a day too!
I ignored/cared little about valentines day up until the very moment my dude sent roses to the job last friday and all the 2520 heifers at my job became jealous and intrusive, and expressed themselves in their usual passive aggressive fashion. The fact that they are all married to men who are not interested in them sexually–I know this because they make sure to overshare with me because they think I’m their personal Oprah/Butterfly McQueen, no matter how snarky, dismissive and cold I am. Sigh–was the icing on the cake. And that, ladies and gentlemen, flew me into a fit of pure romantic joy.