Why The World Could Use More Free Nipples » VSB

Featured, Theory & Essay

Why The World Could Use More Free Nipples

Let me start by saying that I have a hard time remembering the difference between Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Before the youngest spawns of Kris Jenner officially embraced the Kardashian way and jumped the “celebreality” shark, they were like Thing 1 and Thing 2 to me, background players that were indiscernible from one another. Kris’ obsession with starting all her client’s, I mean, kid’s names with the letter K didn’t help matters much either. But I’ve gotten much better.

I know that Thing 1 aka Kylie is in a relationship with Chris Brown’s stunt double who sometimes puts out music that people much younger than me might listen to while intoxicated. I think at some point in the past few years she had an allergic reaction to shellfish or something that caused her lips to swell up. That or she got a new face, but I think it was shellfish. It’s always shellfish. Oh, and she has/had beef with a Blac Chinese woman. That’s basically the full extent of my Cliff Notes on Thing 1 aka Kylie.

Now Thing 2 aka Kendall is the one that models. From what I know it’s like real modeling. You know, like pictures that were not taken on a mobile device and don’t only get published on Instagram and websites that tend to embed said images. She might do that too, but Thing 2 aka Kendall actually hits runways and gets published in fashion magazines and stuff. They still make those, right?

Anyway, I generally don’t make a habit of keeping tabs on what Thing 1 or Thing 2 do or say, but that changed when I kept seeing Thing 2’s name pop up in my newsfeed with headlines like “Kendall Jenner Says ‘I’m Cool With My Breasts’ On Decision to Go Braless.” That’s when I said to myself, “Hey, Self, we’re cool with breasts too, right? Yeah, I thought so. This sounds right up our alley so let’s go ahead and read up about some cool breasts.”

Long story short, it turns out that Thing 2 wrote something called “Free the Nipple!” on her website/app. I don’t know why she has a website/app but I guess it’s a thing. Whatever the reason I still refuse to subscribe to the darn thing just so I can read what she wrote. Seven-day free trial be damned. But there’s a way around her pesky pay wall called Google, and according to People, Thing 2 said:

“I really don’t see what the big deal is with going braless. I think it’s cool and I really just don’t care! It’s sexy, it’s comfortable and I’m cool with my breasts. That’s it! … It’s also a fun way to show off my different nipple rings. [Jewelry designer] Jacquie Aiche made me a couple of pieces that are really sick, like a pair of angel wings.”

Aww, angel wings. That sounds precious, but I digress…

I don’t see what the big deal is either. If Rick Ross can walk around braless; why can’t Thing 2? I mean, it’s only fair. If we all have to suffer through seeing PDAMB (public displays of awkward man boobs) the payoff should be the opportunity of seeing a better boob. If Kendall wants to be this generation’s Ms. Jackson (because she’s nasty), then who are we to stop her? If she’s cool with her breasts, goddammit I’m cool with them, too.

When it comes to the whole idea about not wearing a bra in public, I really don’t see what the big fuss is. As long as releasing the Kraken from the confines of your bra doesn’t put any young children in harm’s way when they swing low sweet chariot I say go for it.

As the woman behind Rihanna proves, nipples make everyone happy!

As the woman behind Rihanna proves, nipples make everyone happy!

That is unless, of course, we’re related. Then all bets are off.

I’d prefer that anyone I share a gene pool with or who married into my family not partake in Kendall’s free nip movement. Yes, it’s contradictory, but that’s my prerogative. Word to Bobby Brown. Pookie n’em might wanna see my eighteenth cousin on my great uncle’s stepdaughter’s side free the nipple but not me. That’s why I’m strictly down with O.P.B. (other people’s breasts).

As a happily married man, I’ve committed myself to having direct contact with only one pair for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t go window-shopping on occasion just to see what new models are on the market. With Kendall talking about angel wings and whatnot it sounds like Victoria has been keeping some secrets that I need to look into. That or I totally misinterpreted what Beyoncé meant when she said, “If you liked then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

Either way a free nipple ain’t never hurt nobody. If you like it, I love it.

Anslem Samuel Rocque

Anslem Samuel Rocque is a Brooklyn-based writer who previously ran the popular relationship site, Naked With Socks On. He’s currently wearing way more clothes while working on his debut novel.

  • Niecy

    Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is either. Once upon a time and two babies ago, I used to go braless all the time. Bewbs are great and they need to be celebrated often.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    When i see a piercing through a blouse, i know we won’t be compatible. C’est la vie

    • QueenRaven23

      What? Why?

    • DBoySlim

      I’m confused.

    • miss t-lee

      Piercing discrimination?
      I’ve heard it all.

    • Glo

      Hahaha, why? Piercings are cute!

      • Sigma_Since 93

        U got one?? *questions that need answers*

        • Glo

          Maaaaaybe. Maybe not.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            I hate to do this on a Friday but it had to be done……lol

            • Medium Meech

              You’re doing God’s work.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Value system mismatch.

        • LadyJay?

          Que?

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            I value X, she values Y.

            No point in looking for commonalities.

            Yet to see a chick broadcasting that didn’t have plenty of suitors. Nothing lost on either side, only time gained.

            • LadyJay?

              ?.

            • Glo

              Too each his own, lol, but I just want to point out that:

              1. Pierced nipples doesn’t necessarily correlate with number of suitors (I personally know a couple of girls who have them and have only ever been with their serious, long term BFs).

              2. “Plenty of suitors” isn’t a bad thing.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                1) no one said it did
                2) no one said it was

                Folks drawing conclusions from what I don’t know

        • Bah Debo

          I mean I get it……but I don’t want to.
          Because the sight is just so appealing…

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      Bye

  • cyanic

    Naked With Socks On sounds like the cat daddy manifesto.

  • BJenks

    Wait is she legal? I think that needs to be another stipulation outside of family.

  • ChokeOnThisTea

    Hilarious!!! You managed to turn people and a topic I don’t care about into an interesting and well written piece. Bravo!

    (I also think it’s interesting to note that as I was typing the word “bravo,” the words “bra on” accidentally appeared thanks to auto correct and a typo. So yeah, there you go)

  • ChokeOnThisTea

    Oh. And the copious shade in this article is delightful.

  • All nipples or just the perky ones?

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      See. Discrimination already. Lol

      • All nipples should be free is my stance.

        • Medium Meech

          Well Mr. Tubman, start snatching bras and lead them to the promised land.

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Ahhh. I stand corrected. #EqualOpportunityNipples

    • Val

      What is a perky nipple?

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Ricky wants Serena Williams at Wimbledon with the ability for them to not to fall below her navel when Vicki is gone.

        • Tambra

          Hmmm. Poll before I go what’s the preference small bewbs, big butt; big butt, big bewbs; small/ flat butt, big bewbs?

          • kingpinenut

            If i gots to choose..i choose dis: small bewbs, big butt

            • Brother Mouzone

              Agree

          • Sigma_Since 93

            I’m a track guy. This is me all day long. The beauty of a sports bra is that the tidday meat is like attending a 3-D movie when released from the restraints. Sometimes you get more than you thought and who doesn’t like more??

            • Val

              The Barber sisters are your favorite track athletes?

              • Lady Gamecocks track…for reasons.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Coach Fry ALWAYS had dime pieces on his team. It was a sad day when he left UNC for USC but I was happy he got the HC job.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                Favorites no but body type yes. The Barber sisters are creepy to me; not because they are not talented but because I’ve known them since they were in high school. It’s odd now that they are consenting adults but I remember the two girls that nearly won the NC High School state championships by themselves.

                • L8Comer

                  Shelly Ann!!!

                  *Waives Jamaican flag furiously*

            • Red October

              I am Red October and I endorse this message.

          • Medium Meech

            Is this a trick question??

            • Sigma_Since 93

              yup

              • Medium Meech

                Right. Let me rephrase the poll: Would you like the Serena special with fries to go or are you a lying azz liar.

            • Tambra

              Nope.

          • Perky + yoga booty = undefeated

          • L8Comer

            For me, on my own body, i prefer mid size bewbs and fat azz. big bewbs are secksy but they get in the way and sometimes I don’t want to look segzy

          • Butts over breasticles for the win.

      • Perky (.)(.)

        • NonyaB

          You meant (•)(•) or (°)(°), not (.)(.)

  • Val

    “That or she got a new face, but I think it was shellfish. It’s always
    shellfish. Oh, and she has/had beef with a Blac Chinese woman.”

    I had to take a rest stop there and re-compose myself. Lol

  • Sigma_Since 93

    This boils down to small – mid chested b00bies and good posture problems. Any woman I know that has a significant amount of tidday meat will tell you carrying around that weight is not an easy task WITH a bra on let alone not having one. If she had double D’s, she wouldn’t be saying this.

    • Tambra

      Last time some of us spoke about a certain topic we were accused of humble bragging.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        There are levels to these things. Personally, I’d like to powder slap the person who came up with the lift and separate bra for the Brothas that took ol girl home and found out she had less than what was advertised.

        Folks, dudes, will trip over themselves for big b00bies that are perky. Once you get to a level of sophistication, you begin to ask yourself, when I suck the teet, will I need to get on my knees to reach the n!pple? If the answer is yes, then ample tidday meat may work against you. The problem again is that darn lift and separate bra. lol

        • Tambra

          I guess from a guy’s perspective, but it is called enhancement. Consider it like makeup, hide flaws and enhance the features. On another matter for a lot of us it is finding a really cute bra can be difficult. And after a certain size a lot of it is more functional than cute.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            If I “enhanced” the eggplant and you got me home and it was a peanut, you would throw the BS flag on me using the enhancement defense.

            • kingpinenut

              break it down brother….let EM KNOW!

              • Tambra

                Shush!

              • Tambra

                Size almost always means nothing.

                • LadyJay?

                  Giiiiirl, stoooooooop the madness. Size MATTERS.

                  • Tambra

                    Uhmm what good is size if it can not be used properly or effectively?

                    • LadyJay?

                      Lissen. Phakking is NOT rocket science. You can learn how to use it.

                    • Tambra

                      You would think… Plus didn’t you see the story of the woman who divorced because it was too big.

                    • Medium Meech

                      You can’t teach size

                    • LadyJay?

                      No, I didn’t read the story. You don’t want to undo the buckle and see a pinky. That’s a heart attack right thurr. Who wants to die early, not I LadyofJay.

                    • L8Comer

                      too big is a size problem too! I’ve been there and it was not pleasant

                    • *shakes tambourine*

                    • GULLLLL PREACH

                    • L8Comer

                      but if it’s too small all the tricks in the book mean nothing. U better just be good with yo mouf

                    • Blueberry01

                      Tell them about that motion of the ocean!

                • L8Comer

                  down vote lol

                  • Tambra

                    hehehe

            • Tambra

              Can you use it effectively?

            • DBoySlim

              Preach

            • Proverbs31WIFE!

              Yes.

        • grownandsexy2

          “Personally, I’d like to powder slap the person who came up with the lift and separate bra for the Brothas that took ol girl home and found out she had less than what was advertised.”

          What about her comfort?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            You don’t need the ability to lift and separate to be comfortable…that’s some Hott Toddin ish!

            • miss t-lee

              Get you a pair and then report back about what’s comfortable.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                I don’t need a pair to know that some features are for comfort, some for support, and others to Hott Todd. My gurls peeped me to the game on that one and Mrs. SS93 cosigned what I learned was factual.

                • miss t-lee
                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    Don’t hate on the knowledge.

                    If I ever let my chest turn to moobs I’ll check in with a report.

                • L8Comer

                  Lift is for support. If your tiddays are big and u don’t have enough support it will get painful and feel lie you’re wearing nothing cuz your bewbs are heavy and take over that little elastic. That’s why you’d be very hard pressed to find a bra larger than a C cup without underwire

              • grownandsexy2

                Thank you.

            • LMNOP

              You REALLY do though, it’s when they start sagging that it gets uncomfortable, and if you ever wear a sports bra you realize how much more comfortable a normal bra that keeps them separated is.

              I am amused that you have opinions on this though.

        • menajeanmaehightower

          You won’t have to take a knee but you may need to rock a half lunge from time to time.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            This make me sniggle out loud

          • Cleojonz

            ha ha ha! CACKLING!

        • Proverbs31WIFE!

          SCREAMS @will I need…..”!!!!!!

        • L8Comer

          What’s a lift and separate bra? A push up bra?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Mayne the things y’all can do. You got the underwire, you can add pads to give you a fuller look, the underwire,…. it goes on and on.

            @disqus_cGSkpX6rhW:disqus I have an opinion because I was fooled, more than once into believing ol gurl was stacked…..only to find out it was an illusion of padding, underwire, and other tricks. There’s nothing worse than thinking she’s working with something and the hard reality is you’ve got more chest than she does.

          • Blueberry01

            I had the same question. I’m thinking to myself, “does he work for Vickie’s and knows something new that’s about to drop?”

            • L8Comer

              lolol, everyone else seems to know. I really don’t get the separate part… which bra does that?

        • Lmao@ undoing her belt buckle to get at the nips

        • Conrad Bess

          Tig biddies are overrated (as an adult. If I’m just out the womb to 2 years old, my food supply better look like medicine balls). I’ve dated the ample breasted, and if their core/back wasn’t strong, it made for hella complaints. Anything A to the high C range is plenty.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XroLzKn6iGc

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      I stopped at “tidday meat.” Why lawd?!! ??? lol

    • Val

      It always cracks me up when adults use the word ‘tidday’. Lol

      • cyanic

        His spelling of it is adorable.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          That’s how VSB OG’s stay in Liz and Discus’ good graces! lol

    • menajeanmaehightower

      I could never do this for the reasons you mentioned above. It also feels country to walk out of the house without a bra on. Like i’m going to walmart at 10pm with my hair wrapped and house shoes on.

      • Val

        Hiya, Mena!

        *waves*

        • menajeanmaehightower

          Hey girlie!!!

      • Cleojonz

        So uncomfortable! The only way I can do this is if it’s chilly outside and I have a huge sweatshirt on that wouldn’t show the outline of anything anyway.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        We could have a separate post on the tomfoolery that happens at walmart after 10pm

        • LadyJay?

          People of Walmart is what they are called. They are a special breed. Especially those that live in Western PA.

        • Buster Cannon

          After 10PM? Depending on where you live, it’s after 10AM that the place goes nutty lol

          • brothaskeeper

            In Texas and Florida, it’s 25/8/366.

      • L8Comer

        I’ve done this in a winter while wearing big sweatshirt. I love it until I start walking fast or running down / up stairs

      • kingpinenut

        What’s wrong with being country???

    • Keisha

      As a member of team Tig ol’ Bitties, it’s really not bad. If I didn’t have to wear a bra, I wouldn’t…ever.

    • Kim

      As a member of the D club, I agree, I need all the support I can get. I even sleep with my bra on. So yeah…no, I like when they sit tight. I’m not down with letting them all hang out sorry.

      Side note: I thought free the nipple was about breastfeeding…wtf

      • L8Comer

        I can NOT sleep with a bra… all that underwire.. I need to be freeeee.

    • L8Comer

      I occasionally go braless with my double D’s. But only if I’m wearing a dress that’s has a corseted bodice with boning and I don’t plan on walking very fast. Otherwise yeah it can be painful or I feel kinda.. obscene lol

  • IsitFridayyet?

    This concept would be good in theory if women’s bosoms weren’t still being chexualized. From the conclusion, a woman walking around with free ni pples is good because you may be able to sneak a glance? Not because she may find it more comfortable? Nah, I’m good.

    • kingpinenut

      They are the original and best source of goodness.

    • wakakaja

      As a big-boobed individual, going braless to run errands either results in really, really disgusting glances from men (one bit his lip at me, and I never wanted to run harder) or equally disgusting glances from women who are disgusted that I would take my boobs out in public without a bra.

    • DBoySlim

      Bosoms will always be chexualized.

    • Buster Cannon

      Lol, you expect them to not be chexualized? That’s all biology.

      • Blueberry01

        Other countries outside of the US don’t sexualize nudity as much as we do.

More Like This