Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Why “The Approach” Is The Hardest Thing Any Adult Has To Learn How to Do

Definitely should have won an Emmy

Last Friday, I attended a quite extravagant (well, extravagant compared to what I’m used to) birthday party for my homegirl. Unlimited bottles of Rose. VIP treatment at two nightclubs. Glossy drunk chicks in tiny dresses. Multi-layered birthday cakes made by Arabian virgins (Biting that cake made me feel like I was eating a slice of Heaven. Seriously, that cake is the reason why Al-Qaeda hates America). If you would have added Big Gay Al Reynolds and a gaggle of uncouth to the mix, it could have been a deleted extra from Basketball Wives.

Anyway, towards the middle of this debaucherific night, one of my homegirls (“Tara”) inches up to me and says “Hey, Champ. I think my friend in the black dress is feeling you.

Now, she was obviously talking about Lady Champ, who was chatting it up on a couch nearby with three other ladies. I played along.

Word? She’s hot. Does she have a man?”

“I don’t think so. You should go talk to her.”

Still in character, I glanced over at Lady Champ and her homegirls again.

“Eh. I don’t know. I’ll wait till she’s by herself”

“Why? Just go over and talk to her now?”

“I’m good”

With that, Tara shakes her head in faux disgust and exhales.

“Men are lame.”

“Whatever”

We finally broke character and laughed for a sec before she left to grab another piece of cake.

But, as soon as she walked away, I started to realize that although Tara was joking, her replies weren’t really that far off. I can totally see a woman becoming disappointed that a man didn’t jump at the chance at hollering at one of her single and attractive homegirls, even if said homegirl was surrounded by a vagina barricade.

The more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that women really have no f*cking clue how difficult it is to approach a woman. None whatsoever.

In fact, I’ll take it even further. Not only is the cold approach difficult, it’s the single most difficult skill that any adult — male or female — is expected to master.

(Don’t come at me with that childbirth is a much more difficult skill bullshit, either. More painful? Sure. But, from what I understand, giving birth isn’t necessarily a skill because the kid is coming out of there regardless of what you do¹. Plus, how difficult can something be if stink bugs do it too?)

Now, to women’s credit, the most likely reason why they don’t realize how difficult it is to approach a woman is that they usually just see the finished product — the actual smooth approach. To make an analogy, it’s like the kid who goes to Grandma’s house and sees Thanksgiving dinner already prepared on the table; not realizing the days of shopping, planning, cooking, and preparing that resulted in the finished product.

They also don’t know that before Grandma The Great Cook was Grandma, she was a 17 year old who wasn’t allowed in the kitchen, a 23 year old whose stuffing was always just a bit too salty, a 28 year old who accidentally made everyone sick one year with an undercooked turkey, and a 31 year old who made the mistake of inviting both Aunt Esther and Aunt Thelma to dinner; forgetting that they haven’t gotten along since they were in high school and would likely fight each other before dessert.

They don’t realize that if I actually were to approach Lady Champ in that situation, there’d be at least 10 completely different questions I’d need to figure the answers to within a 5 to 10 second span, including…

1. What am I going to say to this f*cking stranger?

2. What if she’s crazy??? How do I escape if she’s crazy???

3. How the hell am I going to break through the vagina barricade?

4. Her friend is cute too. Should I talk to her instead?

5. Who all is she with tonight? (This is important because if her girlfriend’s see you attempt to holler at her and get shot down — and trust me, they’ll see you — you probably won’t be able to holler at any of them that night either….even if one happens to be interested. Vagina logic strikes again!)

6. How do I look?

7. F*ck! Did she see me first? (Important because the longer a woman notices you hesitating to approach her, the worse your chances)

8. Do I launch with a joke, a “Hi,” an intentionally silly pick-up line, or do I just go and sit next to her and wait for her to say something?

9. How do I save face if she’s an asshole?

10. Do I need another drink before I step to her?

11. I’m not an aloof asshole, but do I need to pretend to be one to increase my chances of success?

12. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. Should I grab her titty?

Also — and this is the most important part — while your mind is moving a mile a minute — processing, assessing, reacting — you’re trying your damnedest to maintain your steely, Stringer Bell cool; doing everything you can to not let her see you sweat and ultimately sabotage yourself

This manufactured demeanor, this easiness, this “swagger” is a learned skill; an act (Yes. It’s always an act. Some of us are just much, much better actors than others) that can take decades to master.

It’s no different than watching Kobe nonchalantly hit a pull-up 3 in traffic; an act that was made to look “easy” because of the hundreds of thousands of 3-pointers he’s taken by himself in the gym, and the confidence built by the hundreds of in-game threes he’s already hit.

So ladies, the next time you’re wondering why the cutie at the club hasn’t approached you yet, remember that he probably wants to but just hasn’t figured out the answer to question #116 yet. You wouldn’t hurry him while he’s taking the Bar Exam, right, so why rush him when he’s taking a test that’s much, much, much, much harder?

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m pretty sure how the men feel about this, but do the ladies now agree that the approach is the most difficult task an adult is expected to master? If not, why not? Why do you hate men?

¹I haven’t taken a biology class in 15 years, so take that statement with a grain of salt

—The Champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

    First Fruits

    • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

      The more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that women really have no f*cking clue how difficult it is to approach a woman. None whatsoever.

      This is ironclad true… Women should go out & approach women for a few days & understand the BS we have to deal with… Double points if you approach women in NYC or LA, the “Entitlement Monkey” (Twatus privilegeus) is on a level surpassing my Super Saiyan Powers…

      This was a point I made yesterday about women being unsympathetic to men’s issue… Partly because women mistakenly think most men have it better…

      And of course, on cue, @JustMeTheGuy pretty much said “Suck It Up” (which I agree…)

      But the alienation of men is biting women in the a$$ when they scream “Where are all ofthe good men” & “Where is The Chivalry” & “Why Men Don’t Put An Effort On First Dates”

      GUARANTEED ENTERTAINMENT

      Super Saiyan To The End

      • nillalatte

        That’s because men think with their peanus. Stop thinking with your peanus. If folks would approach each other like ‘hey, she/he could be a great friend’ instead of ‘wonder if he/she is great in bed’ it would take off the pressure of ‘how do words actually flow out of my mouth? oh, yeah, I used to know how to put complete sentences together before my peanus started talking.” LOLOLOLOLOL

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “That’s because men think with their peanus. Stop thinking with your peanus. If folks would approach each other like ‘hey, she/he could be a great friend’ instead of ‘wonder if he/she is great in bed’ it would take off the pressure of ‘how do words actually flow out of my mouth”

          and if pigs could fly I’d start eating turkey bacon. what’s your point?

          • nillalatte

            Point is… it is NOT difficult to talk to people — any person — male or female. Just ‘cuz your attracted to them physically doesn’t mean that you should be scared of knowing them as a person. Maybe it’s just me (and a few other people I know) but introducing myself and asking a few questions to get to know someone is not that hard. People generally like to talk about themselves.

            Good looking people aren’t always the best person. Some of the best people are ‘ordinary’ looking people. Have you ever seen a really good looking woman with a man that most people wouldn’t describe as attractive? Yet, they have a wonderful relationship? Why? Because the guy had substance.

            Generally, really good looking guys tend to be undercover aholes. Not all, but a significant portion. Dare I say my ex was a really good looking man, but just as much as an ahole. Sounds crazy, maybe it is, but I tend to avoid really attractive men now. Ever seen the movie “She’s out of your league”? Not that I’m all that ‘cuz that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just pointing out looks ain’t everything.

            • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

              @Nillalatte

              Women should approach men then, and relieve them of their mating duties…

              :-D

              • Tentpole

                Survey says!!!!! How many women will walk into a crowd of men to hit on one man and when she gets rejected how many years will pass before she will do it again?

                • Come on People

                  I did it when i was younger…lol. I would go to mexican parties and all i wanted to do was dance…lol. I would have to ask the guys because they would assume that since i black I could not dance to mexican music. anyway, by the time i got to my adult years, i was over the whole getting shot down thing…lol. Approaching a guy is easier to approach than it would be to approach a woman. With men it is simple, if she is cute he is automactically down, it takes a conversation to find out if she is crazy or even a few dates, maybe even a few months to see the crazy. My only problem i had was shaking the crazies…lol. Back in the day before cell phones you could easily block numbers…lol.

                • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                  I do it all the time, and I do get rejected, from time to time. Though not too often. So I don’t have a lot of sympathy. They key is to start walking towards that person before you get the chance to feel insecure. Don’t wait to think about what you’ll say. I just see one thing I like about them or some funny thing that’s in my head and approach with it. Think and walk. Quick, like a bunny. That way the rejection doesn’t sting as much because you haven’t built them up in your head. I don’t understand why guys can’t get that. They have way more practice than me.

                  • sigma_since 93

                    Are the men alone or do you walk into the pack? Your point is only valid if it’s a one on one encounter.

                    • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                      I’d approach a pair of men but not a pack. Because a group of men act like a pack of dogs and would sooner be a jerk to show off for their boys than have a pleasant conversation. Peen logic. But I get your point. It takes more confidence. But to me, if he/she is gonna act different than they normally would because their girls/boys are around, there is no point in trying to talk to them.

                  • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                    Scratch that. I have sympathy, just very little patience for fear. In myself or anyone else.

                  • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                    “They key is to start walking towards that person before you get the chance to feel insecure. Don’t wait to think about what you’ll say.”

                    this actually is good advice. the best results usually occur when you just say “fuck it” and approach immediately

                    • Scipio Africanus

                      That’s the 3-second rule.

                    • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                      @Champ:
                      AKA the Three Second Rule. More below at 9:31AM.

                      O.

                    • sigma_since 93

                      Make a killin’ using this approach in college.

                    • sigma_since 93

                      Correction

                      Made not Make.

                  • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                    @WC:

                    LOL. Still hawking the “Women have Game too!” line, I see.

                    Dear heart, there is NO skill whatsoever in a Woman – particularly one that’s about this close to hitting The Wall – “stepping” to a Man. In fact, this is usually what Women so situated as yourself usually HAVE TO DO in order to make things happen. Women of beauty or youth – usually a goodly mix of both – simply do not have to approach guys at all. It’s like asking why doesn’t Shaq hit the 3 from out there on the arc or something. The answer is simple – because he doesn’t have to.

                    Most Men don’t get laid, this muchb is true, though Men as a rule are loathe to publically admit this. So, if a Woman who is even passably attractive – by this I mean at least a decent 5 on the scale – steps to him, chances are pretty good he’ll bite. Few Men turn down “free booty” – especially if they don’t have to do a heck of a lot to get it.

                    There’s a reason why Anais Nin will never compare to Casanova, madam; merely laying back and spreading your legs, does not a skill make.

                    Nor will it ever.

                    I’m just sayin’.

                    O.

                    • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

                      @Obsidian

                      Hit it hit it real hard!

                      As much as I want to hold Wild Cougar up in great esteem… Being 40+ horny woman on her way out on the beauty scale sounds like necessity if you ask me…

                      I am more interested in the women who are mid 20s, failing at attracting men to approach them & NEED to be more proactive, even though waiting it out seems like a more reactive, but SAFER choice…

                      And by 30, you should be brave enough to approach men, especially the egalitarianists

                  • SLW

                    I agree completely…when we build things up in our minds it becomes bigger than it actually is…as a female, best line I’ve gotten was, “let’s grab a drink or something.” Simple, cordial…and dude and I really hit it off…now I told him I don’t drink…and he said, “well let’s get some of the finest spring water.” So, being yourself and throwing some humor in it always wins…plus, in the first few minutes of a typical conversation the vibe and body language tells you exactly what you need to know…but most importantly: NO EXPECTATIONS…just be yourself and have fun…if it doesn’t work out for you, ex to the next! ; )

            • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com Mr. Wee Thomas

              I think you’re missing the point here. We’re talking about approaching people for the purposes of sex or a romantic relationship. Nobody has problems making friends, just most of us are pretty much happy with the number of friends we have and are not actively looking to increase that number. So, when we approach someone, it is usually for some other purpose.

              • nillalatte

                And, what dudes don’t get about real ladies (or maybe it’s just me) I like to KNOW who I sleep with. The best way to do that is to know them as a friend first. Has no one here ever heard of ‘friends before lovers” or is that just too old school?

                • Todd

                  That’s about as old school as an Artis Gilmore Kentucky Colonels jersey.

                  In other words, YES. Why do you think there’s a thing as the friend zone? No dude trying to get drawers wants to end up there.

                  • RG

                    Dead @ “Artis Gilmore Kentucky Colonels jersey”

                  • sigma_since 93

                    The friend hug with the two pats on the back is worse than the kiss of death.

                    • sunshyne84

                      That’s so funny I just gave someone the friend hug and two days later had to block them from fb. lol

                    • sigma_since 93

                      In disgruntled voice *I didn’t want to date u anyway* Takes ball and goes home.

                  • nillalatte

                    HInt: You ain’t gonna get in the drawers of a woman worth spending your time with if you keep thinking with your peanus. Just sayin. You want quality or quantity? Your choice. :)

                • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com Mr. Wee Thomas

                  I’ve heard of friends before lovers. But I have never seen it happen in real life. Not with me or any of my friends or anyone whom I know more than the passing details of how they met.

                  I used to subscribe to that idea. Until every single friend told me I either they don’t want to “ruin” our friendship (which is a load of BS) or that I should I asked them out when we first met (which is what should be done).

                • mike

                  Then you’ll get put in the friend zone

                • http://hispointofview.com mrggfep

                  Women don’t like to date or sleep with men who are in the “friend zone” we can’t approach a woman with the intent of being friends first.

                  • Sweet Sass

                    This is false.

                    If a woman takes it slow she takes it slow.

                    ‘Friend zone’ is not a place you arrive at by virtue of your timing. It is because they aren’t attracted to you. If you come straight up at a woman immediately, and she is not attracted to you… you will still be friend zoned. Timing doesn’t mean shit. Lookin’ like Tyrese does.

            • DQ

              I like your answer…

              …I don’t believe your answer… but I like it. It sounds like what should happen but doesn’t. Good looking people aren’t always the best people, but I can at least SEE that they’re good looking to approach them and learn more. I can’t see a chick’s substance from across the room. Aesthetics are seen, substance is learned.

              And not for nothing, but ordinary people can be a$$holes too.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              Point is… it is NOT difficult to talk to people — any person — male or female. Just ‘cuz your attracted to them physically doesn’t mean that you should be scared of knowing them as a person. Maybe it’s just me (and a few other people I know) but introducing myself and asking a few questions to get to know someone is not that hard. People generally like to talk about themselves.

              i disagree with your entire premise here. forget the male/female dynamic for a second. i’m fairly certain that most people once they remove themselves from arenas where it’s easy to talk to anybody (school, work, pr0n shop, etc) due to proximity and apparent common interest or circumstance would have some difficulty in just doing a cold approach on any random person. hell, people are by nature pretty suspicious nowadays so to pretend like you can just walk up to anybody and it be all good is competely untrue.

              while i think its great that you have the confidence to just walk up to somebody and talk to them (a trait i also possess but its largely due to my don’t give a f*ckedness), to make it sound like something easy to do when many folks just aren’t that outgoing or comfortable doing so or whose experience has taught them that they will find rejection and embarassment is shortsighted.

              and add to the fact that people tend to skew towards self-consciousness about their interactions…why risk looking like a dumas?

              • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

                “and add to the fact that people tend to skew towards self-consciousness about their interactions…why risk looking like a dumas?”

                I take offence to this question. – Alexandre Dumas

                • TheRealestLeo

                  I see what you did there. LMAO

              • nillalatte

                Panama, folks make meeting people harder than it really is, and admittedly, I go through different phases where I’m all out going, don’t give a flip, couldn’t touch this if you tried to reserved and observing before encountering.

                Yes, I know taking into account personalities and preferences, etc., but seriously, and folks here have eluded to it, it’s all in a person’s head. People start talking themselves out of getting to know someone because, yes, they lose that confidence about themselves. They build up mental expectations and let downs before they even open their mouths.

                I like to think of meeting someone as fundamental. Fundamentally, they want what I want… respect, a laugh, and engaging conversation. If there is anything deeper there then explore that later on.

                “so to pretend like you can just walk up to anybody and it be all good is competely untrue.”

                Okay, I was standing in a nachos line at a baseball game one night with my son. The guy in front of me turned and laughed at something I said to my son. When I looked at him he had the most beautiful green eyes ever! I could have melted right there, but instead I started talking to him. I had literally 5 mins to assess whether he was someone I wanted to get to know further.

                You are only a dumass if you think you are a dumass. That is self defeating mentality going on there. And, no, I don’t have a great deal of confidence all day every day. I get down on myself too. But, I know that I’m the only one that can pick myself up. :)

                • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                  that’s all well and lovely. truly it is. but standing in a line with somebody who laughs at something your kid says and then you strike up a conversation is TOTALLY different than doing a cold approach.

                  hell, kids are the great convo equalizer. i cant take my kid anywhere without somebody starting a convo wtih me. kids make everybody seem less scary. period.

                  point is, for all your upliftment purpose-driven life talk…while meeting people is probably harder than folks make it out to be, what SHOULD happen versus what DOES happen stand in stark contrast. i can tell you til the cows come home that i SHOULD be able to leave my car keys in the car and not have to worry about it being stolen. hell its my car. but what DOES happne if i do that is that my car will likely get taken.

                  people have issues. it is what it is.

                  • nillalatte

                    Okay, Panama, you want me to take it to the club level? I’ve shared that on here too in one of your posts “The Convo” I think it was. I’ve talked to guys at the club and wanted nothing more than just to talk and have fun. In a movie line alone but meeting my girls was another time I started a conversation. At the airport with a fine looking dude is another time. I think it comes down to having no expectations. LOL.. I have issues, but I ain’t scared to talk to people. ;) And, that is my favorite saying… it is what it is. That and, whateva! :D

            • LinwoodJ

              Plus, The Champ totally forgot to mention that we ALWAYS want to avoid getting “trapped in the friend zone.” So just talking is not really enough. Men feel the pressure to talk in a way that let’s them know we’re interested in much more than being friends.

        • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

          First of all, if they wasn’t such a thing as “The Friend Zone” I would agree with you Nillalatte…

          It is in a man’s best interest to see her as a s*xual object (in the proper context, women love to be objectified) & give off s*xual vibes

          All a man needs in some social status & he can be as s*xual as he wants…

          • nillalatte

            Oh… heeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll to the no! Okay, speaking only for myself and none other… a man that even attempts to treat me like an object is gon’ be dismissed so fast his arse will be standing there wondering what the hell just happened. Seriously. I might give off sexual vibes (and yes I know when I am) but that doesn’t mean you get to treat me like a piece of meat in the grocery store.

            Are we talking about just getting something to hit or are we talking about a friendship with possible benefits or (if you actually get to know a woman you like) a possible relationship? See, one thing I learned a long time ago is 1) no expectations 2) be up front about what you want (hittin it/FWB/relationship 3) set ground rules. That sounds really silly to some people, but it works.

            Again, men thinking with their peanus. Flip the script… think if you were treated by a woman the way some dudes treat women how would that make you feel? And, women can do that. Neva think that the ‘friend zone’ is completely inescapable. It ain’t.

            • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

              @NillaLatte

              Assuming you are as fiery as you are on this blog, I believe you are a s*xual demon in bed

              I think within the context of a loving relationship, women are the biggest advocates of objectification…

              But in absence of love, most women see objectification as a bad thing…

              It is all about context & frames

              And women need to appreciate male s*xual desire, not demonize it… Without it, women would NEVER egt any play… & we wouldn’t survive as a species

              • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

                @NillaLatte

                How another man treats his woman is on the woman… Rihanna ( who is receiving pics from Chris Brown ) is showing me everyday what kind of treatment the alpha females like…

                A significant amount of women love the abuse…

                • nillalatte

                  “Assuming you are as fiery as you are on this blog, I believe you are a s*xual demon in bed”

                  You had me ROTFLMAO with that statement. Believe what you like. I’ll never tell that I can make a man’s peanus salute all day long just thinking about the night before. ;) LOL

                  Objectification comes across to me like a woman is just another piece of meat with no real depth. There are women with depth and we do demand to be treated with respect and not like some street hoe that can be thrown out with the trash. Cross our boundaries and you’re done. It’s really that simple.

                  I volunteer with a domestic violence shelter from time-to-time. I can adamantly state that no woman “loves” abuse. Sometimes their ‘love’ is misplaced and they are trying to revive a dead relationship because they want what they used to have back with a particular person absent the abuse part. There are so many dynamics to abusive relationships and that’s entirely different blog.

                  • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

                    @NillaLatte

                    So you are essential agreeing with me, Cause a woman deserve whatever she gers when she is trying to revivie a dead relationship…

                    It is that right there… She can leave & go get a man who won’t beat her a$$ esp. Rihanna, but she interested in the man that knocked her out

                    • nillalatte

                      Wow… oh, hell no. No woman (or man for that matter) ‘deserves’ being treated with abuse. You’re taking this to a level that is not okay with me.

                      Abusers are control freaks. They don’t want to let the woman go because it boosts their ego’s to have someone to control. They play with the woman’s head. She is in essence brainwashed. The cycle of abuse is not a joke. It is very real. It is not just her that is messed up in the head, the abuser (read: that man) is screwed up too.

                      I do NOT agree with your statement and never will. There are too many dynamics to abusive relationships and even trained psychologists don’t completely understand the depth of deceit, control, and manipulation.

            • Todd

              Flip the script… think if you were treated by a woman the way some dudes treat women how would that make you feel?

              Elated and relieved. NEXT!

              • randomeffery

                in my experience…dudes can’t stand to know/be told that all a woman wants to do is play with the snake…it’s like a blow to their ego or something. they start trippin and “wanting more”. being really possessive, even when you tell them that you ain’t out here shonin (#dadecounty) & they’re the only person you’re messing with…
                i guess that’s #teamdudelogic for you…

                • Todd

                  In somewhat fairness, the response to the female approach is regional. Still, you’ll win a LOT more than you think.

                • Justmetheguy

                  ” in my experience…dudes can’t stand to know/be told that all a woman wants to do is play with the snake…it’s like a blow to their ego or something. they start trippin and “wanting more”. being really possessive, even when you tell them that you ain’t out here shonin (#dadecounty) & they’re the only person you’re messing with…
                  i guess that’s #teamdudelogic for you…”

                  WTF! Who are these gay ass men?! If you tell me you’re only interested in playing wit my snake, Imma buy you as many drinks as you want and we gone both go home smiling. I guess it’s because so many chicks who I just wanted to bang have wanted more. I’m not insecure about my qualities as a person. I know most women that get to know me (eventually) want a relationship with me cause I was raised to have all the awesome boyfriend/husband qualities (which worked against me for so long), so to have a chick just straight up see me and think sex first is actually the goal. (shrugs)

            • DanceHallKing

              Again, men thinking with their peanus. Flip the script… think if you were treated by a woman the way some dudes treat women how would that make you feel?

              I think I might like it being objectified and all.

              Neva think that the ‘friend zone’ is completely inescapable. It ain’t.

              At the center of all women’s friend zones is a singularity of infinitely curved space. And much like a black hole once you are sucked in, you ,or at least your confidence is stretched into spaghetti.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              Again, men thinking with their peanus. Flip the script… think if you were treated by a woman the way some dudes treat women how would that make you feel? And, women can do that. Neva think that the ‘friend zone’ is completely inescapable. It ain’t.

              while i know that most men will say they’d prefer this,i dont think we would. but not for the reasons you might think. we just dont understand women who throw off the entire balanace that’s taken eons to come into existence.

              but real talk, if women approached dudes like we do, it would alleviate a lot of the tension…at least EVERYBODY would know where they stood and we wouldn’t have to pretend to take an interest in your current research into Mayan sand dune lobster foot crawdads.

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              What baffles me is why you think its bad that a man thinks with his peanus. Even the most upstanding man KNOWS if he’d ever have sex with you. Even if all he does is be your friend, or date you on your timeline before he brings up the chex issue.

              A man can think with his penus and be intelligent, fun, smart, cool et cetera.

              Women are the gatekeepers of whether we have sex with said man or who we have sex with and when.

              The dude who had a crush on you back in the day? He thought about what it would be like to have sex with you.

              The dude who you were friends with and never had sex with. He thought about what it would be like to have sex with you.

              In case I am missing something, and if you care to, please explain.

              • nillalatte

                Didn’t say it was ‘bad’ per se. It’s just the way they’re wired. I recognize that.

                • A Woman’s Eyes

                  Gotcha.

        • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com Mr. Wee Thomas

          But if I’m approaching someone, I don’t want a friend. Friendship is the last thing I want. I already have enough friends. If I need more, there are plenty of guys at the gym, in my lab, at school, in the library, etc that I see more often than I’ve ever seen this new person that I could easily befriend with a hello and few minutes of feigning interest in whatever they’re into.

          And for me, it is more than will she be great in bed. But let’s face it, if she isn’t, we won’t stay in a relationship, we won’t be friends afterwards, so there’s even less of a reason to approach her as I would someone I wanted to befriend. I don’t end up in bed with my friends.

        • http://twitter.com/kjnetic peter parker

          “If folks would approach each other like ‘hey, she/he could be a great friend’ instead of ‘wonder if he/she is great in bed’ it would take off the pressure of ‘how do words actually flow out of my mouth?”

          i’m not interested in having another ‘female friend’…i’m interested in a potential wife.

          but hey, your method has worked for you, ma’am.

        • http://twitter.com/inanimatealpha Animate

          Yeah I’ll approach a woman with friendship in mind, obtain said friendship and get placed in the friend zone. Yeah… No

        • Andi

          I I know a lot of fellas are calling shenanigans on this but I feel what you’re saying Nillatte.

          I really hate the whole “I have enough friends, eff your couch” argument. I realize I may be an anomaly here, but I had a long, friendly history with both my exes before I started dating them. I don’t engage people intimately (emotionally, physically, whatever) until I’m comfortable with them. I’m not comfortable with them until I know and trust them. That takes some sort of foundation, so yes friendship is a prerequisite.

          But don’t mind me, I’m clearly the one who’s nuts -_-

          • Cayenne

            Andi!

            I feel the same way! Its actually very difficult for me to even like a guy right away even if he’s really attractive. I just…don’t feel those feelings yet. It usually takes more than one date for me to feel that “oooo….I like him…I wanna kiss him!” feeling. I’ve gotten some flack for it by guys who said they got the feeling from me that I wasn’t into them. Da well. I can’t fake it….Or can I?

            • Andi

              Thank you Cayenne! If I’m crazy at least I’m not alone.

              “It usually takes more than one date for me to feel that “oooo….I like him…I wanna kiss him!” ”

              This is me all the way.

              • nillalatte

                Well, we’re all in that club together. I have to be feeling a guy to wanna to be sexual with him and I know a lot of my female friends are the same way. And, when I’m feeling him and get really into him it’s because I’m comfortable with him and loving him for the person he is. He is a FRIEND that I can trust and a lover I want to please.

                There are different levels of the ‘friends zone’ and I don’t think guys really understand that either.

          • Justmetheguy

            @Andi- You know I’m biased when it comes to you ;) , but I’ll have to go ahead and say that not only does that make sense, but it’s what I’d prefer from a WIFE, not wifey, but WIFE. I think that makes you a careful and responsible decision-maker (wife qualities). If I was really feeling this girl as a person AND i thought she was really attractive, I’d respect this, and I’d be her friend for a long time. I do think with some women you can escape the friend zone, but only to enter serious relationship zone (Friends With Benefits is too dangerous and uncertain territory for someone like this)

            In this scenario, when I’m ready for a serious relationship I already have someone who I’m attracted to, who I’m comfortable with, and who I trust waiting in the wings. You’re not nuts, just not a woman who gets infatuated and emotionally invested too quick. If I were a single woman who really valued relationships I feel like I would be the same way. Makes perfect sense to me, and I’m team dudelogic all the way lol

            But again, I’m biased when it comes to you :)

            • Justmetheguy

              Also I have a sister who’s like this, so it makes more sense to me than it would for a lot of guys I guess…

            • Andi

              Thank you very much JMTG. I feel like I’m being sensible, but then guys on here are saying “eff your friendship” and flipping over tables and what not. I understand it if they’re trying to hit and quit, that it’s a waste of time. But for those who want something more substantial, don’t you want to be friends with the person you’re seeing? And even longer term, don’t you want to be friends with your wife?

              Either way, it’s always nice to see a gentleman who shares these values :)

              • nillalatte

                @ Justmetheguy… exactly! Not getting emotionally invested quickly and valuing relationships. I see you also understand the different levels of the friend zone. Kudos! Thank you for not thinking with your peanus. :)

                @ Andi… You are right too… substantial relationships instead of the whamm bamm thank you ma’am. When a guy is simply trying to get at it that’s when they are shot down the most by ‘good’ women.

                I’m done. :)

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

        And I don’t disagree with anything you offer. It is just that these women seem so fake to me but they want a real man. I get so confused trying to understand their thinking that I forget who I am for a moment and actually get mad.

        Every man can’t be ballin’ or on the road to it. H-ll, if I make 40k a year and you are disappointed in that…then I don’t know what to do with you. Mutha lovas jobs dryin up and these women got the nerve to be mad that a ninja ain’t in there Fat Joe and Lil Wayne’n it. Rain. Can’t you be happy that I pay my bills? Oh smallest violin? Good luck with the find a good man project. You looking for a tree while standing in the middle of the forest while looking for a forest while lost in trees and you ain’t realized that everything you ever needed kept clawing at you with it’s branches as you walk by dazed in thoughts of materialism and grandeur. Smd on you h-es….cause you gon’ give it up IF I appear to be ballin’….you always do. ;-)

        • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

          Really, as I think about it… All I need is 30K/year job (depends on the location), car & a studio apartment & a expert level of Game, & I will have no problem getting the women I want…Women are more in love with the image of an alpha than an actual alpha…

          It is what it is… & I know what it is…

          SSTTE

        • http://www.ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com Big Man

          This comment is a little ridiculous. There are plenty of chicks not chasing ballers.
          From what I’ve seen, dudes who constantly run into chicks who won’t give them any play because they are chasing ballers are fighting outside of their weight class.
          Way too many women are out here thirsty for a husband and babies and love. And settling for disreputable men. You need to expand your search.

          • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

            You say women ain’t chasing ballers. Not all are. True enough. But We all know how the triangle works. So, excuse me for seeing what I want. Don’t worry…I’m not really looking either…I’m a jellyfish socially. I just do what I do. Matter of fact, I killed seven pounds. STING.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Women should go out & approach women for a few days & understand the BS we have to deal with”

        I don’t know if this would work.I think the best thing for them to do would be to work as a telemarketer for a month, but be forced to come off the dome with their spiel instead of reading a script

        • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

          @Champ

          But as they approach the first five women… They will have an instant reality check…

          There are millions of things going on in a woman’s head that has nothing to do with you that can deter the conversation…

          ex. menustration or plain just having a bad day

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

            menstruation?? really?

            Show of hands – who has actually halted an impending conversation with a man because you were so overwhelmed with thoughts of your period?
            No? Oh.

            C’mon dude.

            • randomeffery

              umm, i hate to agree w/him, but ME…i can’t be the only female who was bloated and bleeding and *had* to be at the birthday party cuz it was her best friend’s/cousins/sisters/whatever big day…i’m so not tryna get holla’d at when i’m bleeding.

            • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

              LOL @MzCamm

              My first question I will be asking women today is “Have you ever approached women on multiple occasion…?” & then we can further the conversation

              I have apporach at least 1,000 in my lifetime (And yes I kept a loose tally of them, Bless you iPhone)

              My point is women have so much going on with them that the TIMING maybe off… And I don’t have the Alpha swag (yet) to overcome that…

          • Around the Way Girl

            I think Champ’s right. Women respond to other women differently (more favorably) than they respond to men. True story, I was out with a group of people, and this conversation about approaching came up. The guys ended up daring me to approach this bad chick that we had all noticed. I was feeling adventurous, so I walked right up to her and said, “You’re really beautiful. My friends and I have been noticing you.” We chatted for a minute and ended up exchanging numbers, AND she actually communicated with me the next day. She intended to follow through on hanging out with me (me only, too…no one else I was with was a factor). And that’s just one anecdote…I have others.

            So yeah, I see where you’re going with this but I don’t think your suggestion would work. Many women love being approached/flirted with by other women. It’s a huge ego stroke, plus women are soft and cute and non-threatening.

            • DG

              Cosign….women aren’t generally wary of other women who approach/talk to them, no matter the situation. Women are not physically or sexually threatening to one another. When we approach women, however, the guard is prone to go up.

              • A Woman’s Eyes

                Exceptions:

                If she is with her man see may see other women as a threat.
                especially if she is just newly dating the man and he’s friendly and says hi to all the ladies, and hasn’t introduced her as his woman. “Hi ladies, this is Mary. Mary this is Janet, Sheree, Tamika”

                lmao

            • Leonie UK

              I’m wary of a women apporaching me more than a man. Women can be kind of aggressive. If she’s being the wingman for her fellow male friend she wil be worst than a mother wanting granbabies. She knows all his good and no so good qualities so she will campagin harder, plus she knows chiclogic is on her side.

              Or you have the fact she’s intrested in you (shout out to the Bi-sexuals and lesbians) you bring another game to the table, I don’t play but it’s flattering regardless.

              Yes it’s strokes my ego, the spotlights on me. But I have no patience, so play ball or stay in the stands.

            • Scipio Africanus

              You know you could have got the thespian drawls, right?

              • Around the Way Girl

                Haha I do know this ;) She was feeling me. She had a boyfriend, though, so she was more toward the middle of the scale.

      • randomeffery

        this whole post just made me think “what? i’m grown”.

        i know this was tongue-in-cheek but i mean…really…past age 25…”hollering” should not be this much of a big deal…especially not in the party/club setting described above. you have nothing to lose from striking up convo w/a chick you don’t even know, and whose only winning characteristic (that you know of) is how “glossy” she looks in a little party dress from forever 21/h&m/american apparel/macy’s/wherever.

        if you’re a natural flirt, be your natural self. if you’re more low-key, just say hi & introduce yourself. do you really wanna invest time in a person who is gonna X you out just because your “approach” didn’t have enough swag?

        who even has a legit interest in anybody that tried to holla @ them at the club anyway? club hollering is more or less about getting laid, imo. & trust that chicks who are DTF are DTF…regardless of what you talkin bout…you spending all that time thinking about what to say, while she is inconspicuously (or conspicuously) checking for a bulge in your pants & how your upper lips will feel on her lower ones.

        • Tx10inch

          if you’re a natural flirt, be your natural self. if you’re more low-key, just say hi & introduce yourself. do you really wanna invest time in a person who is gonna X you out just because your “approach” didn’t have enough swag?

          Man, this right heeeerre, is tha real deal Holyfield.

          • randomeffery

            thanks!

            speaking of inches…doesn’t size play a role in this whole thing? in my experience, guys who are really packing & the few who aren’t but are ok w/it are supremely confident…

            • Tx10inch

              We can be to an extent, but it’s all still a process of learning, experiencing lots of rejection and being comfortable knowing what to say when approaching someone. It’s not like I’ve ever walked in a club with my d*ck hanging out and every woman followed me out like the Pied Piper.

              The art of approaching is like golf, a great game but almost impossible to master. Simply because every woman is different in how they need to be approached specifically. And believe it or not, most women will not be receptive to a stranger talking about his d*ck size the first few minutes of convo….lol

              • randomeffery

                lol no please don’t be talking about your length or girth lol, i just meant that from what i see, bigger guys are more confident in approaching women.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

    (Don’t come at me with that childbirth is a much more difficult skill bullshit, either. More painful? Sure. But, from what I understand, giving birth isn’t necessarily a skill because the kid is coming out of there regardless of what you do. Plus, how difficult can something be if stink bugs do it too?)

    This cracked me up. It’s all kinds of wrong but still laughing. Carry on.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i’m glad you can find humor in childbirth

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        It’s the whole laugh to keep from screaming thing.

        Not that I ever plan on pushing out any babies. I shudder at the mere thought.

    • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

      It must be some kind of skill if there are 50′leven kinds of childbirth classes.

      Side Note: Does any one watch “Tia and Tamera?” Did you see them watching the childbirth video like they had NO IDEA how babies come out?

      • randomeffery

        i did catch that…i hate reality TV…it makes me dislike celebrities (& wannabes) that i otherwise just wouldn’t give a f__ about. before i saw that episode, tamera was just the irrelevant mowry twin. now i think she’s an overly emotional, selfish b-word. & i’m sure whatever brain cells of mine hold that opinion, would be much better put to use learning more about string theory, or why trekkies & star wars fans have such an intense rivalry.

        • Be On It

          From the show, I think Tia is more selfish. Typical of women who’ve gotten married and pregnant before their sisters/homegirls, in my experience. It’s like they are so above it now and have thier priorities “in order” (which is really just a way to say they got theirs and don’t give an eff about you anymore), when before they got married they were just as focused on “ridiculous” stuff as you are.

      • Lina

        I don’t think they had no idea, but that things are a LOT different when you actually have to watch that ish. Shoot, if I watched a video like that I would be screaming too and feeling queasy. Just thinking about childbirth gives me the heebiejeebies.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i watched one episode of that show…now, i cant remember who’s who…so i’ll use descriptors. but the one that’s getting married…wow does she annoy me now. only cuz i felt like (after having witnessed what women go thru during pregnancy and sh*t) how selfish she seemed about her sister’s inability to be a certain things or even have to constantly use the bathroom and sh*t b/c she has a kid tapdancing on her bladder. not that i dont think some women milk the pregnancy sh*t. cuz some do. but engaged twin just seemed mad upset that her pregnant sister had other sh*t going on but her.

        granted i only watched like 10 minutes b/c i realized that CSPAN was running a marathon on an empty congressional house floor which was riveting so i chagned the channel, but i was like…yep this makes sense. kids change everything man. lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “granted i only watched like 10 minutes b/c i realized that CSPAN was running a marathon on an empty congressional house floor which was riveting so i chagned the channel, but i was like…yep this makes sense. kids change everything man. lol”

          way to try to deflect the fact that you were watching the tia and tamera show

        • sunshyne84

          lmao you are so silly

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        That was hilarious. Let’s see how long Tamera delays having children. lol

  • http://vanityinperil.blogspot.com Vanity in Peril

    Well, damn when you put it all like that it does sound hard to pull off with care. Kudos and hats off to all of you men out there b/c if it was left up to us there would be very little going on. I think this has got to be worse than cold calling in sales and job hunting in this recession combined. Damn. O and thank you thank you THANK YOU for the Big Gay Al Reynolds ref. He so wants to be preggo and barefoot in Jen’s kitchen making her turkey bacon.

    • xLadyTx

      That last sentence…LOL.

    • http://twitter.com/sweetdivalove Mia

      “O and thank you thank you THANK YOU for the Big Gay Al Reynolds ref. He so wants to be preggo and barefoot in Jen’s kitchen making her turkey bacon.”

      *falls completely out*
      He is as gay as the day is long….

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “He so wants to be preggo and barefoot in Jen’s kitchen making her turkey bacon.”

      you made me spit out my gatorade

      • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        I actually think you’re going to get an email from Al’s “publicist” (him using a different email address) asking if you’d like to hire him for the next VSB party.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          If so, the cake won’t be the most feminine thing there this time.

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      “He so wants to be preggo and barefoot in Jen’s kitchen making her turkey bacon.”

      *falls all’away out* LOL

  • nillalatte

    1. What am I going to say to this f*cking stranger?
    I said, “I’ve been watching you. You like to go hard. Let’s do it.” And, we danced. :P

    2. What if she’s crazy??? How do I escape if she’s crazy???
    What if he’s crazy? This could get messy!

    3. How the hell am I going to break through the vagina barricade?
    “Excuse me, I need to talk to you for a minute.” Leaves the other girls wondering.

    4. Her friend is cute too. Should I talk to her instead?
    Indecisive men. Ugh.

    5. Who all is she with tonight?
    Why? You trying to get at them too?

    6. How do I look?
    Like a dork. But, go for it anyway.

    7. F*ck! Did she see me first?
    Really? Hummm….

    • nillalatte

      Oh, and I fogot… Man the F up! :D The best approach is just to learn about the other person. Get them to talking. Ask questions. LISTEN to the answers. Then ask more questions. How else are ya gonna learn about that person to determine if their crazy and you’re not. :) Compliments works too. ;)

      • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

        @NillaLatte

        No dice

        • nillalatte

          I raise you no dice and a chocolate covered strawberry. Ante up!

          • LMNOP

            that chocolate covered strawberry looks really good

          • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

            @NillaLatte

            That is for desert, I raise you two pizza pies from Gino’s (just pass me your credit card :-D)

            • nillalatte

              Cash only at my table babe. Can you still hang? :D And, I’ll take your pizza pies and raise you an order of cheesy bread. Yeah, I got it like dat. LOL

              • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

                @NillaLatte

                Only if it is your cashola , you telepathically said that you will be treating… today… #Thanks

                *Hopes that type of communication is admissible in court*

                Add some CinnaStix & Some Sprite & we got a deal…

                Our order comes out to $27.74… :-D

      • WayUPThere

        Good points, but then what if he runs into the girl who hates when people ask her questions? (i know one of these) 0.o

        • nillalatte

          Then be sincere and say, “You seem like a really nice person. I’d really like to get to know you, if that’s okay.” Ask permission. Compliments with sincerity will disarm them. Sometimes ladies don’t want to give it all up immediately because typically we ‘think’ we know what men want. Your job… chip at the walls. Chip enough and there will be a way in if you still want to invest your time.

          • Tentpole

            One question. How many men in groups have you approach? It one thing to do the one on one thing. It’s a whole different universe to walk into a group of women to start a conversation

            • nillalatte

              Umm… I’d have to say that I don’t generally approach ‘groups’. Dudes are judgmental in a pack. If one of them feels threatened or whatever the whole damn pack takes on that persona. Timing is everything.

              • Tentpole

                So are women

        • Kema

          Thats me!!! I hate answering questions… Well at least when it seems as if Im being fired upon.

          • nillalatte

            Skillz, gurl, skillz… if they are firing questions like an uzi they are not really trying to get to know you. That’s a game. Being comfortable with presence is another skill. Sometimes I think a woman should have the presence of mind to get them to slow down and if they are tryin to rush, then you know what time it is. ;)

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          Then he can say, “It was nice to meet you. Goodnight” exit stage left

          If I was a man, I wouldn’t trust a girl who hates when people ask her questions. She could be married and have a stalker husband/boyfriend who’s gonna stab him when he walks out the club.

          Just saying! lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Oh, and I fogot… Man the F up!”

        lol, here we go again

        • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          LOL, right, wasn’t there a post about this?

      • Justmetheguy

        ” Compliments works too.”

        Not really. They’re just as likely to work against you as they are to work for you. It’s an art that’s not intuitive. Women can turn a sincere compliment into an awkward statement. Trust me. I’ve been there. You have to know how to compliment in a matter of fact manner while keeping the conversation moving (not intuitive to most people). Asking questions can work, but too many questions make a woman feel too much power. Women are less attracted to a guy they feel power over. I agree that guys should start the conversation and do as much as they can to keep it going, but too many interview style questions and compliments will lead to her excusing herself to “go to the bathroom” (if she’s polite enough to even explain why she’s leaving).

        • RG

          This is dead on. At some point you have to flip the power dynamic. Too many questions is never a good idea. Get to know her (briefly), but then you have to let her know you are interested physically/sexually/etc. This has to happen in the initial conversation. Doesnt have to be overt, subtelty and wit go a long way. Then again, women can sense a fake a mile away. If a man is naturally funny or witty, it’ll be a lot easier. If not, he’s got to channel the part of his personality which most closely resembles the traits.

          Bottomline, approaching women is an art we are constantly working on, revising, and adapting. And Champ touched on it, Men who seem to be more natural at talking to/approching women usually have picked their face up a lot throughout their formative years of tackling gazelles. Paint by numbers.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          I actually think that “negs” work much better than compliments, especially if it’s a very attractive woman

          • SunaoButterfly

            I wonder if any other sistahs here have read that book…

          • Justmetheguy

            ” I actually think that “negs” work much better than compliments, especially if it’s a very attractive woman”

            Yup…the negs work better when they’re about the way she’s acting and especially when they’re judgmental in a playful way. Also when they’re ambiguous they work wonders because she’ll start thinking too much about it. Then she’ll start asking herself “Why do I care what this stranger thinks?” At that point you’re winning. Mainly because you’ve come off as the opposite of needy and you’ve put yourself in an elite category by not being concerned with impressing her or kissing her ass because she’s good looking. They have the UTMOST respect and intrigue for guys who aren’t phased by their beauty (strange as that sounds to a man). That’s why negs work. Not because they’re masochists or anything. Good point Champ

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        not for nothing, but based on other posts on other blogs and sh*t and your comments on this one, i’m starting to think that you think men with ANY sort of feelings or concerns are p*ssies.

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          I know this is not directed at me, but it coulda been and I gotta jump in and give my two cents cause I had my Starbucks. Ok, you know what passes me off? Not you, Panama, you’re great ant I would so approach you, (I did, remember? And you’re not a 3). But you know what passes me off? Dudes talking out both sides of their mouth.

          IDGAF, I’m not intimidated. I just want to smash, don’t catch feelings. Girls are like busses. Pump and dump. What’s wrong with you. Women and your emotional ish. You’re not logical enough. You need to quit playing games and just give up the goods? But not too quickly, cause then you a ho. Where the hos at? I just want a nice girl. That I can cheat on and lie to. That’s why nobody wants you, cause you don’t know how to treat a man and be submissive. Act like a lady. Don’t expect me to pay the check. You independent, get out your wallet. I don’t trick cash, your cookie is just like the next girl. Why do you keep chasing the guy with money, he treats you bad. I’m a nice guy, you put me in the friend zone, bish. As soon as I get the chance to hit that, I’m gonna dump you. This is why you can’t find a man. Look in the mirror and fix yourself. Why are you so mean and bitter? Why can’t you bishes see I have feelings?

          Peen logic.

          • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            Whew, thumb too fast. Please delete one o these.

            • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

              @WC:

              Yes, I would say so. Again – there is no such thing as a one to one analog Male to Female, try as you might to make it seem so. It’s very simple:

              1. Men love Sluts for short term mating

              2. Men DO NOT like Sluts for long term pairbonding.

              If a Man has reason to believe that you’re in the first category and trying to angle to be in the second, he’ll do one of two things:

              1. Drop you right then and there; or

              2. Pump & Dump you.

              Your mileage (of which I take it, based on your testimony, is quite formidable) may vary.

              Men are extremely easy to suss out creatures. Women, being excessively complicated about just about everything and having a tendency to project this onto others early and often, are usually the last ones to get this particular memo.

              Consider yourself duly informed.

              :)

              O.

              • WayUPThere

                +1

          • Around the Way Girl

            Lol! Yep, this pretty much sums it up. I always look at who’s talking, though. Some people you can just expect to talk out of their @ss.

          • Justmetheguy

            Alright, this might be my last comment because I’ve said enough and I’ve finally got something to do that requires my undivided attention.

            I wanna respond to that funny and snarky (as always) post by WC. I actually understand where you’re coming from. Many guys feel the same way about women. You say all kinds of conflicting ish. Men do it too, but it’s usually because you’re listening to too many men. We share a lot of sentiments, but contrary to popular belief we’re not all the same (gasp).
            The main reason why you hear so many conflicting things from men though is because you’re hearing from so many different men who are so many different ages and more importantly at so many different stages in their lives. When I had been single for a while my views on what I wanted from a woman were different from how I feel now that I’m coming out of a VERY LONG (pause) term relationship. Does the guy want a casual relationship or does he want a more substantive one? Has he had a lot of success recently (and wants a specific type of adventure or bond with the chick he’s dealing with) or has he been on a dry spell? All of this matters.

            Also, most of the conflicting stuff comes in response to something a woman has said about a man’s actions (or lack thereof).

            ” That’s why nobody wants you, cause you don’t know how to treat a man and be submissive. Act like a lady.”

            As funny as that quote was it wasn’t actually contradictory. It pretty much always applies (with a few exceptions such as certain occasions in the bedroom and also in the customer service line lol)

            ” You need to quit playing games and just give up the goods? But not too quickly, cause then you a ho. Where the hos at? ”
            lmao! Good one. Can’t argue that we do that, but it just means that we don’t want a relationship but we can’t seem to escape the chicks who are ONLY after relationships.

            ” Don’t expect me to pay the check. You independent, get out your wallet. ”

            Actually this is where WOMEN’s contradictions come into play. ie: “I don’t need a man. I’m independent. We make more than y’all anyway. Ain’t none of y’all ninjas on my level because black men are underachievers…but you BETTER pay for this meal unless you ain’t no real man. That’s such a turnoff that this nigga who’s makin 1/3 of my salary won’t pay for my expensive ass meal even though I probably won’t sleep wit his beta ass”

            ” your cookie is just like the next girl.”
            True, but not true. Your visuals (this is why looks are so important to us), your spunk/energy (quantity AND quality of positive and sexual energy), and your effort are NOT like the next girl though. This is what women need to take away from this comment if nothing else.

            FIN

        • nillalatte

          Were you talking to me? I have a hard time telling what comments go with what conversations sometimes. (shrugs) If so, I don’t mean to project that type of personality. Hell no. I like a man that will share how he feels, when he will. I’ve known a lot of cold arse dudes though. A lot of times Panama, I cut up on here just to see where the reactions go. I guess it’s hard to tell when I’m “in character’ at times.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            yeah i was talking to you. you’ve had some comments on various posts that have come across that way. which is fine. doyoubooboo.

    • Around the Way Girl

      Lol I like #1. The opening line is not as make-or-break as yall think it is…unless it’s completely asinine, of course. If you initially come off a little nervous or even dorky, there’s a window- a couple minutes I’d say- in which you can redeem yourself. And a woman who doesn’t allow you those couple minutes is full of herself and wack anyway, so don’t even worry about it.

  • LMNOP

    (Don’t come at me with that childbirth is a much more difficult skill bullshit, either. More painful? Sure. But, from what I understand, giving birth isn’t necessarily a skill because the kid is coming out of there regardless of what you do. Plus, how difficult can something be if stink bugs do it too?)

    stink bugs don’t give birth. they lay eggs.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      they give birth in the burgh

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        LOL, I seriously pictured a stink bug doing the “hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo” breathing exercise that John Ritter did with his wife on that one episode of the Cosby Show. RIP.

        • Vanity in Peril

          lol That comment made me laugh/smile and cry. RIP

      • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

        so true. And then they exchange souls and strength. When one stinkbug dies, it gives all of it’s stinky powers to a new one. Leaving them, roaches and hoodrats to forever roam the planet. Man, I hate stink bugs.

        And I recognize how hard it is for men to have to be the approachers. I’m often glad that I’m not in the role expected to do so (not to say I haven’t/wouldn’t but no one calls me lame for not). But I think about it this way, women have to go through tiresome processes to get rid of body hair so we have our burden to bear too. We all win and we all lose sometimes.

  • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    mmmmmmmm….Idris Elba…he fiiiiiiiiine….oh, wait, there’s a post? *goes back to read*

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      I feel like I’m the only person that doesn’t get the Idris Elba thing. Then, the Denzel boat passed me by as well. *yeshrug*

      • http://twitter.com/sweetdivalove Mia

        Just yesterday, I was raving about how sexy Idris is and my friend said she didn’t understand the hype. You are not alone apparently. Lol

        • Justmetheguy

          Yeah, my ex didn’t get the Idris Elba thing either. Said he looked too much like an old man.

          ” It is definitely all about how they carry themselves, their swagger (*gags*), more than it’s about their actual looks.”

          Yeah, that’s what men are starting to realize. It’s refreshing and weird at the same time…I won’t argue with it though.

      • Yonnie 3000

        It is definitely all about how they carry themselves, their swagger (*gags*), more than it’s about their actual looks.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          but can i get some clarification…is it Idris as Stringer? cuz Idris seems like a herb in a lot of interviews.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

        You are not alone. Maybe it’s because I don’t watch The Wire and haven’t seen Takers, but that man has nevuh done a thang for me. And I feel like I’m a lil’ young for the Denzel train…

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          This.

          I mean, they are both handsome and get extra points for the accent (Idris) and the walk (Denzel) but I don’t find them as swoon-worthy as others seem to.

        • Mo-VSS

          Ditto. Idris has a sexy-cool about him but I’d be more excited for my slightly older aunt to bring him around than for him to approach me. He just seems old as hell to me. (NTTAWWT)

        • Around the Way Girl

          Co-sign.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I feel like I’m the only person that doesn’t get the Idris Elba thing. Then, the Denzel boat passed me by as well. *yeshrug*”

        why do you hate black men?

        • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

          LMAOFF^^^^ Champ is a busted nut!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “LMAOFF^^^^ Champ is a busted nut!”

            umm, please, umm…clarify.

            • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

              you rubbed one out…as in a hater. It was, you know, a metaphor wrapped in a …..etc

              Geez…so technical. but it works. so twerk it out.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Love is hard. So I hate everyone until they give me a reason not to. :D

          • Kema

            I like this! Sounds like a nice cynical shirt

            • DQ

              Or the new come back single for Sunshine Anderson

          • Bumilla

            and this is why you stay rolling my model.

            *terror chest bump*

      • theeclectic

        Denzel is only as fine as the character he plays…

        BUt Idris…lawd…he may not be the finest man alive…bu the way he carries himself..plus that accent does wonders….sigh

        For the record I never got the whole George Clooney thing…he looks like a type of racoon…but then again..i never understand white logic

        • Mo-VSS

          Clooney is NOT attractive to me and never has been. Him bedding all these young models is CLEARLY about the money???? I just don’t get it.

          • theeclectic

            you would think!! but they go on and on raving about this dude..and i still don’t get it…he doesn’t even have a body..like wtf!

            he’s decent..thats all I’ll give him

          • Justmetheguy

            I would imagine white chicks like Clooney for the same reason y’all like Idris. The way he carries himself. Women usually can’t even separate the two (looks and demeanor) from each other. I don’t think it’s about the money (or even the fame). All women are into confidence and (perceived) masculinity.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “I would imagine white chicks like Clooney for the same reason y’all like Idris. The way he carries himself. Women usually can’t even separate the two (looks and demeanor) from each other. I don’t think it’s about the money (or even the fame). All women are into confidence and (perceived) masculinity.”

              i was thinking the same thing. He’s definitely one of those guys where you can get why women are into him (as opposed to say, joe buddens)

        • Around the Way Girl

          Lmao not a racoon!!!

          George could get it. He’s mad suave…and he has a great voice.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

            +1

        • sunshyne84

          His accent makes him worse. :-X

          Idris has that look in his eyes sometimes that I can see why chicks like him. It’s not in this pic though…

      • http://twitter.com/#!/_chunk_ chunk

        nah you aint the only one, but i know what it is- it’s the grit.
        i like em wholesome lookin…

    • Cris Until I Find a Clever Name

      I thank God for making sure Idris’ parents met, liked each other enough to have relations and created Idris so I could have repeated inappropriate thoughts about him.

      • Leonie UK

        +1,2,3,4…high five to my fellow Brits.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Yes. Yes! YES!

      • NessaLew

        +1 for the win

  • WayUPThere

    “Now, to women’s credit, the most likely reason why they don’t realize how difficult it is to approach a woman is that they usually just see the finished product — the actual smooth approach. To make an analogy, it’s like the kid who goes to Grandma’s house and sees Thanksgiving dinner already prepared on the table; not realizing the days of shopping, planning, cooking, and preparing that resulted in the finished product.”

    Add the fact that women don’t really have to master this skill at all. When you don’t have to deal with something that someone else complains about it, one tends to think that the complaints are overblown. Heteronormative (yes, that’s def a Champ word) standards dictate the man is supposed to approach the woman first, and although things are changing, by and large men are still expected to and still approach women first. But if you’re the type of guy who just doesn’t give a flying f**k, then I would guess the cold approach isn’t that difficult.

    • WayUPThere

      Moderation? I even censored myself…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      heteronormative definitely isn’t a champ word, but I’ll take credit for it anyway

      • WayUPThere

        I discovered the word a while back reading your post when you created a scenario where guy meets girl and impresses her with the use of the word heteronormative. I remember this only because I witnessed a very similar thing happen right after I read that (guy impressed girl with vocabulary and she was smitten). It was almost as funny as watching a guy go talk to a girl with the cold approach.

        • http://twitter.com/#!/_chunk_ chunk

          ooooh i nead to read that… i’d be one of those girls completely smitten #vocab_whore

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          actually, you’re right. it’s in the first paragraph of the book, lol

  • http://twitter.com/thenaimacyde Naima

    This is hilarious!! I am a people watcher. I LOVEEEEE watching guys approaching girls, its soooo funny.

    I’ve had a few funny experiences, but was one night when my friends and I were walking to a bar and this guy pretended to trip in front of me. He even went as far as grabbing my hand and asking for help. I tried to hold my laughter, but when he asked for my name I just couldn’t. I told him he had nice glasses though.

    • http://twitter.com/thenaimacyde Naima

      I hate typos, but you guys get the point.

      I have no words of advice to the menfolk. I am an awkward person. Don’t let awkward people discourage you. We only run when you say hello because of our fight or flight instinct. We always choose flight. Always.

    • Lina

      Haha, at the trip. I def used that move a couple weeks ago. In my mind I was being slick, I wonder if dude knew I did that on purpose…

    • http://satcpsychology.wordpress.com MsVivienne

      LOL! I do the same thing!

      Except…I make commentary from where I’m standing like I work for Animal Planet or something.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I LOVEEEEE watching guys approaching girls, its soooo funny.”

      i’ll admit, it is kind of funny when it’s not me, lol. it’s like I’m watching one of those YouTube cat videos

    • http://www.facebook.com/evanonlyknows Evan McArthur Kane (Shruggie Lowdown)

      it’s like watchin’ the globetrotters vs. the generals…always a spectacle–always the same winner.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i like watching it in action too. but that’s only b/c i have an immediate bailout when the “holler” is going south.

      girl: look, um…panama…did you say it was…thanks for your interest but i dont have it for you…mmkay?

      panama: (going down in flames) oookay…well…Crystal did you say it was…now is that your stage name? b/c i’m pretty sure i saw you on stage at Lorenzo’s the other night and i’d like to get my 20 back please. i meant it for the other stripper…but you know, you picked it up quicker.

      *****

      can neither confirm that this did or did not ever happen.

      • Vanity in Peril

        That’s a good one. Gotta stick the landing. I think in that aspect women would be good at the rejection part where you act like you weren’t trying to woo the person in the first place. We are pretty good with the comeback, well that is if women could handle rejection. Which I believe we cannot.

  • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

    This is the point where I decide that no p.-.s.s.y. is worth my dignity and wait for them to approach. Mixed results. SMD when I’m finished p.-.s.s.ing off my rage at my own cowardice.

    Years go by, days go by, moments go by. It don’t matter so much no more. I’m usually well received anyways. Except Asians. Asians seem to not like me so much. Iono.

    Now, I take it as a challenge. Quickly selecting the one that looks like I would be the most attracted to and make her the focal point of my introduction while keying on several possible alternatives. Simply keeping the conversation light enough to be a “mingler.” Definitely make it a point to compliment the ladies and inform my not so urgent thirst. Mixed results.<—Only when there are decent enough ladies though. Read below for the arsehole approach.

    When there is only one potential interest…I am reckless than a mutha. Step in, weigh my piece against the stream. See how it works…it never has…I still do it to be a b-tt hole back…yeah I know…no I don't really care…yeah, I realize I lose at being a jerk and so what?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Now, I take it as a challenge. Quickly selecting the one that looks like I would be the most attracted to and make her the focal point of my introduction while keying on several possible alternatives. Simply keeping the conversation light enough to be a “mingler.” Definitely make it a point to compliment the ladies and inform my not so urgent thirst. Mixed results.<—Only when there are decent enough ladies though”

      i’ve noticed that if faced with this situation, more and more guys will exchange numbers with the entire crew so they can all “hang out” at a later date

      • RG

        Really?! I have never seen this happen before. Sounds like the quick path to quasi-gay friend status.

        • randomeffery

          i’ve seen it…it can work out pretty well…especially if dude is not a douche, makes him seem friendly & if he does it right, he can actually seem hard to get…if not done correctly, he can seem desperate.

          • Sandpaper

            I love approaching groups of women. I make myself apart of their night out. I try to exchange numbers with all of them. I also try to discern the power dynamics between the ladies of the group. By the end of my time talking with them, I usually have figured out how many I can f*ck and which order to do it in.

            I would explain in more detail but that would be breaking Man Law.

            • Rogman

              lolololol this dude amuses me

  • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

    IMO, how hard a man has to try is directly proportional to where he falls on the 10-point scale. i.e. If he’s a 10, he could simply say “hi” and have my attention. Whereas if he’s say, a 6, he’s gotta make up those extra 4 points by being funny/interesting/buying a round of drinks for us/etc. Now, this is just for the initial ice breaker.
    If you prove to be a complete dumb@ss after that, you’re SOL.

    But I do realize how difficult “The Approach” must be, which is why I’m happy that no one really expects women to do it. =)

    • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

      One word for you: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

        Why are you upset? You’re already my e-boo =)

        • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

          Uh oh…then I may be more e-boos than I intended to be. Well, since you are the first to claim me, I’ll forsake the others. A bird in the hand gents…a bird in the hand. lol
          *Malicious grin*

          • nillalatte

            Hold up… I claimed you before MizzCam, but since you don’t remember, go head on then. Just drop me like that. It’s cool. See that strawberry all chocolate covered too? That was for you boo, but you just blew it! Now I gots to find another balla. deuces. ;)

            • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

              WAYMENT!!! WATE A MENAD! I oon’t eem kno no camilles.(Sry mizzcamille)<—{LOL} Hold up….you "Claimed" me? Well, sheez…"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby…"

              Fine….then I'm back to the e-leper/loner biz. I'd rather disappoint everybody than nobody. I'd rather disappoint 5 than 1. Unless, y'all agree to be my e-harem until a better offer comes along. Sounds like a good deal to me. ;-) *evil grins*

              eff an e-boo though…give me something real. she said she want something real. MJB searchin for that really real luv

              what am I even talking about? Oh, Y'all don't love me…you just love my WEST COAST doggy style. lol.

              anyways….I love JTB great movie. I loved Adjustment Bureau. I loved and thoroughly enjoyed Limitless. I am 4, super 8 and pretty much everythin else was oh mah darlin clementine….lost and gone forever oh mah dahlin clementine.

              • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

                *eats popcorn, Thrillermaker-style*

                • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

                  It’s cool. Our e-lationship was bound to be short-lived, considering SB is givin’ it away like free hot lunch. Smh.

                  • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

                    this has been monstrously fun.

                    I totally didn’t think I even wanted an e-boo. Now, I feel like I’m missing out. I’ll take this moment to reminisce on potential e-boos….

                    Okay, second thought…there is no benefit to even having an e-boo. What are Youuuuuu doin? How do youuuuuuuu want it?

                    broadcasting my biz…Mizzcam, I thought I told you about that. That’s why you stay losin’. We here at VSB have come to the conclusion that broadcasting agents of e-lationships (happiness to be in relationships.) are whack. Like somebody I once knew from here would ALWAYS SAY. Don’t be that person. lol
                    effectively recycled.

    • WayUPThere

      “But I do realize how difficult “The Approach” must be, which why I’m happy that no one really expects women to do it. =)”

      I alluded to this upthread but i got hit by the moderators. One of the biggest reasons why women don’t realize how hard the approach is cuz they don’t have to do it.

      • DQ

        ****One of the biggest reasons why women don’t realize how hard the approach is cuz they don’t have to do it.****

        LOL, exatly. Of course there is a counterbalance to this. One of my female friends pointed it out to me in the club once. She was like, “you see those chicks over there. They are having a terrible night. They’re just sitting their waiting and hoping that someone… really anyone reasonable will come over and ask them to dance or buy them a drink or involve them in a conversation. And they have no control over the situation. They are at the mercy of whoever has the courage to come over and speak…and that’s usually the dudes who have no business approaching them. They could go all night without being approached”.

        And so I watched them… and it’s exactly what happened. They talked amongst themselves had some laughs, danced with each other, had some drinks, but no real approaches. Just too many other women their (supply and demand) and so even though they weren’t ugly… they also didn’t get “chose”. I actually kinda felt bad for them.

        I think both parties (the approacher and approachee) deserve some empathy…

        …it ain’t easy for anyone really.

        • Fivegirl

          Uh, yea. Grass is always greener I guess, because it does indeed suck to get all dolled up with the intention of meeting new people and going home without having talked to a single soul except the ladies you went out with.

        • Justmetheguy

          ” And so I watched them… and it’s exactly what happened. They talked amongst themselves had some laughs, danced with each other, had some drinks, but no real approaches. Just too many other women their (supply and demand) and so even though they weren’t ugly… they also didn’t get “chose”. I actually kinda felt bad for them.”

          I hear you, but nah….they don’t get no sympathy from me. Maybe a lil empathy, but no sympathy. They could at least flirt. That’s low risk and high reward type of passive action. Also, that’s only that night. Most nights they’ll get approached (if they’re half-decent looking) by at least two or three dudes. When’s the last time a man who wasn’t model-esque or rich/famous got approached more than once by a woman that was interested in jumping his bones?….exactly.

          ” …it ain’t easy for anyone really.”

          True, but so many (not all) women just tend to make it so much harder for themselves AND us. I can’t have sympathy for them. However it is a whole new set of problems when you’re a woman. The toughest challenge for men (a monumental challenge seeing as how we are human beings) is to develop thick skin to the point where a woman’s reaction to you doesn’t matter at all. When you can detach your emotions and feelings and just treat it as useful feedback while forgetting or ignoring how it made you feel then you’ll surprise yourself with how much poon you receive on the erg (shout out to Kenny Powers) lol

          • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

            Money quote from @JustMeTheGuy

            Still working on that

          • Justmetheguy

            Damn, that typo screwed up the punchline. IT was supposed to say “on the reg.”

        • Kidsister

          I wonder if they got some play during the “let out”. Thats a free for all and things are a little easier for the approacher and approachee.

          • DQ

            Parking Lot pimping? I guess it’s kinda free for all, but it’s a whole ‘nother mindset depending if you were in the club and that went parking lot pimping vs. just showing up at the “let out”.

    • Mo-VSS

      That’s real talk. Most won’t say it, but being attractive definitely has it’s perks!

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

        Exactly. And I don’t know why people always wanna act like they’re not superficial. WE ALL ARE, at least initially. If the attraction is there, I really don’t care how you start the conversation – I’m just happy that you’re talking to me.

        • xLadyTx

          +1

        • nillalatte

          All I can say to this is it must be age. If a man ain’t approaching me with some intelligence behind his good looks, he ain’t getting no where. I know you ain’t like that really. Looks are only skin deep and I know from your posts your more than superficial. ;) Who you foolin?

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

            =) I did say that this only applies to the initial icebreaker. After that, I’m all about the nerds. If he’s fione and can beat me at Scrabble, I’m literally planning our future wedding in my head.

            • RG

              Funny. More and more, Scrabble skills seem to be the natural panty dropper.

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Mmmhmm! I wrote an entire post about being shallow with a potential mate and how there’s nothing wrong with it. lol Visual creatures, FTW!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      IMO, how hard a man has to try is directly proportional to where he falls on the 10-point scale. i.e. If he’s a 10, he could simply say “hi” and have my attention. Whereas if he’s say, a 6, he’s gotta make up those extra 4 points by being funny/interesting/buying a round of drinks for us/etc. Now, this is just for the initial ice breaker.
      If you prove to be a complete dumb@ss after that, you’re SOL.

      this is true to a point, but even “good-looking” guys have to put on the act when talking to a stranger he’s attracted to. basically, if a guy isn’t at least a little bit anxious, it’s only because the woman he’s approaching isn’t attractive enough to make him anxious.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

        Even “good-looking” guys have to put on the act when talking to a stranger he’s attracted to.

        Um, really, he doesn’t. For me personally, I don’t want/need the act. You don’t need to stress for 15min coming up with the perfect “line.” Trust me, if I’m interested, I’ve already seen you and want you to see me. Showing that you’re a little nervous is cute to me.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Trust me, if I’m interested, I’ve already seen you and want you to see me. Showing that you’re a little nervous is cute to me.”

          and trust me when I say that even if a guy doesn’t “have” to be at least a little anxious or act, he still will be if he’s attracted enough to a woman.

        • Around the Way Girl

          “Showing that you’re a little nervous is cute to me.”

          Yeah, I like when you can tell they’re noticing you from across the room but trying to gather the courage/think of something to say. That is, as long as they actually do approach at some point. If they just sit there trying to eye F you into approaching THEM, that’s lame.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          “Trust me, if I’m interested, I’ve already seen you and want you to see me.”

          LOL, If I’ve looked you dead in your face more than two times, you’re good. You should know what time it is. We try to stay out of the face of dudes we don’t want to talk to us.

      • LMNOP

        I have heard that psychopaths don’t get anxious about approaching women.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          and laker fans

          • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

            Hey I resemble that sentiment….ROFL

      • Justmetheguy

        ” this is true to a point, but even “good-looking” guys have to put on the act when talking to a stranger he’s attracted to. basically, if a guy isn’t at least a little bit anxious, it’s only because the woman he’s approaching isn’t attractive enough to make him anxious.”

        Exactly. I’ll never understand or agree with women’s nature when it comes to how they treat men who are really attracted to them. Because if I’m nervous it’s because I feel as though I have a lot to gain from the interaction and I wanna make sure I’m going about it right. That’s why #7 struck such a chord with me.

        It reminded me of the story behind why my homegirl told me never let a woman see me prepping myself to talk to her. She said this dude (who she actually thought was kinda cute) was about to approach her, and she saw him take a deep breath and get himself together mentally (a brief instant, nothing too extra or overly obvious) and she said she was instantly turned off to the point where she saw him as less than and couldn’t force herself to be attracted to him after that. It was so shocking because she’s sooooo approachable, friendly, and empathetic to what guys go through that her saying this pretty much sealed it that all women do this (because they can’t help it). It is what it is though. Don’t expect any sympathy for being single when you act this way.

        • Around the Way Girl

          Wow, your friend’s harsh.

          Nobody wants a guy who looks straight up scared, but for some of us, a little nervousness is understandable. Even endearing.

          • Justmetheguy

            @ Around the Way Girl- She’s actually not harsh at all. She still ended up being friends with this dude, but it just killed the attraction. Attraction isn’t a choice. I think you’re one of the few logical women our there. In most scenarios women don’t think about it that way. They just label him as weak, lame, or friend material. This isn’t a conscious decision though so I don’t even think she’s harsh. She only came to that conclusion about why she wasn’t attracted to him in retrospect. I applaud you for being on team dudelogic, but I’d be willing to be that you’re in the serious minority. And I was still drunk last night when I posted that lol (hence the “y’all made your bed, now sleep in it” tone) but I get that people can’t help what they find attractive and unattractive so I’m not mad at women for this, but they do need to be conscious of how this can sabotage good opportunities with stand up guys who are down for relationships…That’s all

            • Around the Way Girl

              Lol yay for intoxicated commenting…I do that all the time. :)

              I feel you, though, people can’t help who they’re attracted to. I just wish everyone was a little more forgiving.

      • Castro1984

        Cosign a 110%. I cant even lie, i freeze up some time if the girl im hollering at is pretty as hell and im looking at her as more than a nut… but let it be a chick im only tryna smash and im spittin game like don magic juan. This is a trait im trying my hardest to fix because ive had many one night stands and strictly sexual relationships while only being in two serious relationships. Like comedian Earthquake once said “you cant waist all your good years on h#@s” lol

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        Yes –and I believe Nicole Ari Parker made Boris Kodjoe anxious when they met.

    • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com Mr. Wee Thomas

      Drinks? I don’t buy drinks for girls that haven’t earned it.

      • Fivegirl

        define earn. I’m curious…

      • Justmetheguy

        ” Drinks? I don’t buy drinks for girls that haven’t earned it.”

        Co-sign. Eff these entitled ass heifers lol. Show me you’re fun to talk to and spend time with and I might, but I learned the hard way that buying a drink off the rip hurts you more than it helps you.

        And I think you sisters that like a guy that comes off as nervous are in the minority. Women tend to want the man to have the power, be dominant, be confident etc; and that gives off the impression of the exact opposite unfortunately.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

          And I think you sisters that like a guy that comes off as nervous are in the minority.

          Being nervous at the start, to me anyway, shows that you put some thought into your approach and it’s not just a numbers game to you. That being said, you do need to recover at some point during the conversation. The nerves should be eased by the fact that I’m continuing to talk to you.
          One would assume that the reason for the anxiety is due to the impending rejection, but if I give you the green light, you should be in the clear.

          If it turns out that you’re just a lame anyway, you should probably reconsider who you approach. I’m not a “wallflower” type of chick. I’m more like the pack leader in my group of friends [the fun, outgoing one], so if you just picked up on my energy before you came over, it would save you the embarrassment of getting shut down.

          My point is, I make it pretty clear whether or not I’d welcome your advances before you even get to me. If I see you coming toward me and I’m not havin’ it, my face alone will totally convey my thoughts.

      • http://twitter.com/MOTRenaissance Adonis (@MOTRenaissance)

        @Mr Wee Thomas

        Save your money for family & friends, let the women pay their own way…

        And it is counterproductive…

        • KT

          Exactly. In fact, I have a rule: NEVER buy random women drinks.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mizzcamille MizzCam

          Fair enough. Because I will accept a drink in a heartbeat all while having no intentions to ever see/speak/dance/flirt with you.

          It’s like, eh, you took a chance – it didn’t pay off – and I assume you brought enough money for this very reason.

      • KT

        THIS!!!!!!!

      • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com Mr. Wee Thomas

        Earn = given me a reason to invest in them.

        Let’s start with the premise that drinks are the price of conversation. Add in that I don’t have unlimited funds, so if I’m buying drinks to chat with people, then I need to select my drinks wisely.If I’m selecting drinks wisely, then i shouldn’t buy drinks for random women I don’t know. I should instead focus on those who have taken the time to demonstrate interest in me and follow through on this. And the best demonstration – having made a change to your routine to accommodate me.

        Everyone is busy. If you have set aside an hour or three to spend time to get to know me, then you are likely putting something else on hold. That is about the minimum threshold for me to buy you a drink. There are other ways to demonstrate this sooner, but mostly, this is the minimum.

    • RG

      Cosign. This makes sense. Men do the same thing for women. However, I generally discourage my boys from buying rounds of drinks. Only “10s” should buy rounds of drinks. Why? Because its not grounded in simp behavior. It’s really just one of those, I do it because I can scenarios. Not to say it doesnt happen with your hypothetical 6s, but rarely are these guys not using the drink purchase to gain favor. As rule of thumb, buying a round of drinks can come off extremely simpish without proper training.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      so imagine how hard it is for me as a 3. i’ve got to make you laugh and show you that i have good credit AND love pets and my mother.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        and show that you are willing to jump in and dance in the middle of the vagina brigade at the club, then jump out. That shows confidence! lol

    • Scipio Africanus

      I appreciate your honesty here, and I think this is probably true of like 99.99% of heterosectual women as well.

    • TheRealestLeo

      So what would a 2.17 have to do?

      lol

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        Because you’re nowhere near a 2.17, you don’t have to worry what to do. Just be yourself.