Why “Staying Attractive” Is The Most Underrated Act Of Love

The survey of 2,000 British adults in steady relationships pinpointed the 36-month mark as the time when relationship stress levels peak and points to a new trend of “pink passes” and “solo” holidays away from partners and spouses that many Britons resort to in order to keep romance alive.

The poll compared feedback from those in short-term relationships (defined as less than three years) and people who were married or in longer-term partnerships.

The findings showed that 67 percent of all of those surveyed said that small irritations which are seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love often expand into major irritations around 36 months.

More than half of the Brits surveyed (52 percent) who were in younger relationships said they enjoyed sexual relations at least three times a week, compared to just 16 percent of those in relationships older than three years.

These findings — taken from  “The 7-year itch is now the 3-year glitch” — should come as a surprise to no one who’s been in a serious relationship. After the honeymoon stage — that blissful period where nobody farts, everybody still pretends to love each other’s families, and all intense arguments are quickly followed by even more intense (and still real) orgasms — relationships tend to lose a bit of their luster. This isn’t a bad thing, though. Once you’re off the contact high from the proverbial new car smell, you’re able to more accurately assess whether it’s something worth saving.

But, what did surprise me is what exactly was most often cited as the number one “passion killer.

Money issues? No.

Displeasure with monogamy? Try again.

Incongruent sex drives? Nope.

Extended contact with Eric Williams? Not this time.

Done guessing? Ok.

The top 10 everyday niggles and passion-killers: 1. Weight gain/lack of exercise, 13 percent; 2. Money & Spend thriftiness, 11 percent; 3. Anti-social working hours, 10 percent; 4. Hygiene issues (personal cleanliness), 9 percent; 5. In-Laws/extended family – too much/too little, 9 percent; 6. Lack of romance (sex, treats etc.), 8 percent; 7. Alcohol – drinking too much, 7 percent; 8. Snoring & anti social bedtime habits, 6 percent; 9. Lapsed fashion-Same old underwear/clothes, 4 percent; 10. Bathroom habits – Stray nail cuttings etc., 4 percent.

Yup. You read that correctly. Weight gain was at the top of the list. In fact, if you add weight gain/lack of exercise (13%) with hygiene issues (9%) and lapsed fashion (4%), 26% of the people responding to this survey cited something appearance related as the number one reason why they’re grown a bit more lukewarm about their mate. Admittedly, this was a pretty small survey, but when you think about all the sh*t we talk about money issues, sex drives, meddling friends and family, ambiguous commitments, and uncertain futures, its pretty funny to see that apparently all most of us need to keep the spark alive is a gym membership and a working Macy’s charge card.

Department store chain credit rip-offs aside, it’s really not all that surprising that appearance and physical upkeep plays such a large role in determining our intra-relationship passion, and it’s all due to the fact that the more serious a relationship gets, the more you see.

Anyone who’s ever had a job worth having knows that most of these types of jobs hold new employees to some sort of probationary period. Sure, you have the gig and there’s really not much of a chance that you’ll get let go, but you make sure to be on your best behavior — i.e. no 80 minute lunches, blue jeans on casual Fridays, or p*rn downloading on the office laptop — until that grace period passes. The new relationship honeymoon stage follows the same train of thought. Things are still new, and you’re still going on frequent dates, dressing up for these dates, and making sure that you’re wearing your newest (and freshest) undergarments in anticipation for what’s going to happen after these dates.

Once the honeymoon/probationary period fades, though, you start getting a little comfortable. The beard that was perfectly trimmed every time you saw him has now been replaced by a 3, 4, 5, and 6 day old stubble that, along with making him look a bit scruffier than you like, is beginning to irritate you whenever he gives you head. The inside joke you share about how her butt has gotten bigger since you’ve started dating is substituted with the thought that her butt isn’t the only thing on her that’s getting bigger now. You’ve now officially seen his penis flaccid more than you’ve seen it erect, and he’s officially seen your hair in more stages of “undone” than actually done.

Again, this is one of the hallmarks of a truly serious relationship. You get to a point where you’re not only comfortable with your mate seeing your “warts,” you actually want them to see them so you’re sure they’re into the real you and not the probationary period you. But, when you add this post-probation mindset with the weight gain that occurs after 3 to 6 months of going to the Cheesecake Factory every other weekend, it’s easy to understand how a couple can become a bit less enthused about each other’s bodies and how this lukewarm feeling can eventually lead to a loss of passion.

How do you rectify this? Well, nature has made it so that certain physical changes are inevitable, and any adult should realize and accept this. But, while staying “attractive” — and, in this case, “attractive” is completely arbitrary –  is far from the only thing a person in a relationship needs to concern themselves with¹, doing what you can to stay reasonably fit and “take-out-in-public-worthy” is just as much of an act of love and compassion as supporting your mate through grad school or delivering them homemade chicken soup while they’re under the weather at work. I know that wasn’t the most politically correct thing to say, but PC has no reign over what seems to actually matter to us.

Anyway, people of VSB, what do you think? Do you consider staying attractive to be an act of love?

Also, did the results of the survey surprise you, and if you were asked to name your number one passion killer, what would it be?

¹I call this condition — when a person’s only focus in life is to remain as physically attractive as possible — “evelynlozadus”

—The Champ

  • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

    sucks but true. it is harder for us women though because get away with a little more when it comes to the weight department

    • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

      because men*

      • sol

        Really? I would have thought the opposite.. i mean within reason a woman is said to get “thick” and a man is said to have “let himself go”.

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Yeah, this is a culture thing, though. And, of course, there have been a lot of discussions on what we call “thick” is becoming way too loose in its definition…

          • http://www.twitter.com/Alana_Shantell Alana

            This is why I prefer to meet my future boo at the gym. I’m not trying to gain nothing because of love. If one person is into fitness, and the other one isn’t. Then, someone is going to get a little plump over time, and more often than not, if the man isn’t the fit one, she’s the one that’s going to get juicy over the course of this relationship. His arse always wants to go out to eat and sh*t.

            • j.ivy

              Bein juicy isn’t a good thing?

              • http://www.twitter.com/Alana_Shantell Alana

                Not when you’re dripping. LOOOL

        • j.ivy

          It doesn’t matter what u call it, what matters is the effect of said weight gain. It is more d@mning to women. Think Biggie, Pun, Heavy D then think Precious, Monique, Ricki Lake. (Scratch Ricki, fat whyte girls stay winning)

          • http://thegoodoleboys.net Soundwave803

            Those dudes are famous though. Regular big dudes aren’t getting any further ahead.

          • Kelly

            White or black, women are discriminated against, worldwide. All women have it rough and need to stick together.

          • Kelly

            White or black, women are discriminated against, worldwide. All women have it rough and need to stick together.

        • Be On It

          It’s only true if women gain weight in a certain way. I’m a slim chick who must stay forever married to a treadmill/elliptical/cardio machine/personal trainer/gym membership because I don’t get “thick” as in tig ol biddies and thick hips and thighs – if I get over a certain weight, it’s going to my face and stomach. No Bueno. Which is why I, at the very least, go in for regular maintenance. I know physically when I’m getting to the danger zone when more black guys than white guys like my body.

        • http://2centtab.blogspot.com Samson

          To be real, the “thickness” scale is getting kind of out of wack and has started to become a cop out for a lot of black women. Black women are naturally more curvy and full bodied than other races, but some people take it too far and won’t work out because they don’t want to lose their “thickness.” I’m a man that loves thickness myself, but that’s no excuse for not taking care of yourself. That’s why we’re at risk for pretty much every food related disease, and that thickness turns to humongous in a lot of women as they age because of that mindset.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “sucks but true. it is harder for us women though because get away with a little more when it comes to the weight department”

      life aint fair and sh*t

  • fixedwater

    Too true
    If you want me to stay attracted, be attractive. IJS

    • CurlyTop

      Agreed! I can’t be up in the gym working on my fitness while you are eating yourself into oblivion. It’s shallow but I’ve said it once and I’ll day it again, 50+ with no medical issue and I’m gone. I just can’t do it. I’m a tiny girl and I can’t be getting crushed by you. Nope! J/K. I do value health and being with someone who doesn’t is a lose-win situation. You lose me, I win a new man.

      Lack of hygiene on anyone older than 12 is unacceptable, but I’ve seen it in my friends relationships. People actually stop brushing their teeth and think its okay. Fail

      • Deeds

        People actually stop brushing their teeth and think its okay.

        Who the he!! actually stops brushing their teeth?

      • Racqs

        Lol! I’ve been a personal witness to this. There’s something about a thick layer of plaque that makes one less kiss-worthy.

        • Thereluctantsocialite

          Ugh… so gross.

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        I kid you not, my friend’s husband sat on my couch on Thanksgiving telling her not to have any cake, saying she’s gaining weight while this man had a saucer sized plate of food in his lap and a beer belly out to his thighs. Mind you, my friend is pretty and a size 7. I’m not going to generalize men but I see this alot. Don’t ask things of your woman that you aren’t doing for yourself.

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          True SFG…

          But us men can demand anything we want, cause you know that there will be women (some of them attractive) who will fill that role, even if we are trash as men…

          So w.e.

  • Tes

    1) I just got through watching Basketball ____s (they aren’t married, dating, so…?) and I hold to the fact that Evelyn needs her ass whupped thoroughly and often.

    2) I believe that weight gain and hygiene and all that should never be neglected. If that’s what I looked like when you met me, save for a change of hairstyle and maybe some wrinkles (depending on how long dude stays around) that’s the way I plan to look. If I expect a mahogany Adonis, I damn well better keep my sh*t up.

    3) It’s an act of love because it’s work. You got your foundation, your concealer, your blush, your powder, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, gloss…let’s not even go to the hair. It. Takes. Time. If there were no men (or catty @ss women) to impress, I highly doubt any of us would spend a lot of money or time on make-up and all that. If everytime you come over, her legs are shaved, that’s love. Love = hard work. I’m rambling cause I’m tired, but I’m sure there are some good points in there somewhere.

    • Tes

      Sidenote: Is that a balding lion? smh lmao

      • Bilal

        Wow, I didn’t even notice that, lol!

      • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

        Isn’t it a tiger and a lion too?

        • Mimi

          Yup, it is a liger.
          Mama tiger had probably bumped uglies with a lion and voila! (cuz you gotta add the exclamtion point) liger.

    • http://hotbiscuitsandgravy.blogspot.com Bengemin Grehe

      Make up sucks, but I understand what you’re saying.

      • http://myheartbreakmotel.com Rox416

        Yes, on a guy, I agree it sucks.

      • Tes

        Well I appreciate that Ben :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “1) I just got through watching Basketball ____s (they aren’t married, dating, so…?) and I hold to the fact that Evelyn needs her ass whupped thoroughly and often. ”

      i think “roundball ratchets” would be the best title

      • miss t-lee

        “i think “roundball ratchets” would be the best title”

        bwhahahha!!!

      • j.ivy

        Roundball ratchets!!! Lmfao lol

      • Tes

        I personally think “Bitter Ball B*tches” would round it all out evenly.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      I saw the Basketball Wives reunion and all of them are just terrible! Especially Evelyn. I wanted to punch her in the face. I would never let someone talk to me like that. They are immature and catty.

      • http://eboneeyes.wordpress.com Eb

        Ev looks like ocho is given her late nighta nad early mornings. something wasnt right or her lace front wasnt sealed correctly…somthn has gone wrong. on the other hand isnt it quite funny how she was giving jen all kinds of advice about gettn single so they can be single together and now she’s engaged and prolly bout to drop jen like a bad, bad habit…lol. oh the foolishness of roundball ratchets. gotta love’em(no u dont)

      • Mo-VSS

        Girl Evelyn is the debil….and someone needs to whoop up on her, preferably on national television so she can never say it didn’t happen.

        I just cannot watch that shyt. I hate that show. It is the absolute worst.

        • Tes

          Tammi got one good lick in and I was hoping and praying they would let Evelyn get that @ss whupped. I did note in the reunion though that she was extra respectful to Tammi especially. lmao

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            LOL yep she aint stoopid. Tammi would molly whop dat @ss.

            • http://eboneeyes.wordpress.com Eb

              agreed! she dont push tammi (she’ll talk mad smack) or royce for that matter!…lol. ev only gets at the “suzie’s” of the world. she cant get at shaunie (the hand that feeds her), jenn(she’s already one of her minnions(sp)), royce(cuz she checks her repeatedly and ridiculously honest), tammi(cuz she hears and sees things and WILL most DEF in the blink of an eye be RET TUH FIGHT!), gloria(she just aint going), and whats her face? uh uh you know the other girl that had that one function (see that, she’s not even important enough to try…lol)

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                LMAO

            • WIP

              LOL, I don’t think she’s actually scared of Tammi; I think Evelyn might be a fighter. She knows that Tammi isn’t all talk and she’s gonna have to back up that mouth so she just keeps it calmer with her. Them other chicks will get loud, stand up, point and what not, but they not gonna swing.

  • http://racialicious.com A Boy Named Art

    Now this is where a crossover is coming with the open relationship crowd.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      ?

    • WinterNights

      o_O

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    I’d like to know the gender breakdown of this weight gain poll. i took issue with one of my former pastors ( a woman) who said wives needed to stay in shape so their husbands would be less likely to stray to other women. I took issue with that mostly because it sounded like she was blaming women for men straying and putting some ill-based fear behind staying skinny lol. Be healthy (and by extension, thin) so you have longer years to grow old with your mate. That’s more….romantic and less sinister lol.

    Anyway. These results make us sound real shallow lol. That’s fine. We’ll all just be old and lonely and miserable.

    • coldsweat3

      I feel like I have been gone away for too long. Sadly ADD kicked in and i am writing this in the library….

      The gender breakdown would be interesting, even more interesting would be the age breakdown. I say age because obviously with age our metabolism slows down. Not to mention long term couples have now probably birthed children(s). I do think people should work to maintain their weight, primarily for their own health and not for their partners(i mean this in a sexuality neutral way but is there a synonym for this that has not been hijacked by the homosexual community?) sexual desires(although please indulge). I think it should be a couples duty to push each other to go to the gym so they can both live longer. If living longer together is not an incentive, increased insurance premiums and/or medical expenses should do the trick. Real talk, black people have a propensity for Diabetes(sugar) and Hypertension and we need to stop it.

      @Liz I agree with you criticizing your Pastor’s comments because alot of people cheat w/ women who are a downgrade and not an upgrade. 0_o

      I hear stripper poles are a great workout and good for the bedroom….#bi-winning

      • DQ

        Best usage of the word bi-winning since it was invented

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        LOL @ downgrades. I just feel like if your man has little control over his desires, that was gonna be a problem with or without your weight gain.

        Also, I think this study is somewhat no big deal because the question is asking about your passion for your lover….which doesn’t necessarily mean what you’re willing to divorce over. More like an explanation as to why you’re craving sex less. Most people’s passion is correlated to outward appearances and desires, so this whole thing is neither confusing or underrated to me.

        • http://hotbiscuitsandgravy.blogspot.com Bengemin Grehe

          I’m not particularly surprised by the results either. As for the gender breakdown, my guess is that it’s more men saying the physical matters.

        • WIP

          But it did say passion “killers”. Is there life after death?

          • V Renee

            “But it did say passion “killers”. Is there life after death?”

            iCant! LMAO

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “LOL @ downgrades. I just feel like if your man has little control over his desires, that was gonna be a problem with or without your weight gain.”

          i agree with this. you can’t drive somebody to cheat. but, you can definitely put the keys in the cheating ignition.

          • Racqs

            R. Kelly starts playing in the background….

        • IET

          I think the idea that anyone will have the same passion for their lover in the first 36 months as they do in the years after is becoming more and more questionable. Is that even possible? If it isn’t possible to have the same levels of sexual hunger for your lover in year 2 as you do in year 5 is there anything really wrong with that?

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            Is that even possible? If it isn’t possible to have the same levels of sexual hunger for your lover in year 2 as you do in year 5 is there anything really wrong with that?

            good question

            • j.ivy

              Yes. I believe it is. I know actually. In a good relationship u should see new reasons to be attracted, not just physical. Passion, especially for women, can grow out of all kinds of things.

          • Ivy St.

            If it isn’t possible to have the same levels of sexual hunger for your lover in year 2 as you do in year 5 is there anything really wrong with that?

            I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, unless the woman wants to quit having chex and the man wants to have it 2 times a day. I saw a poster at the society for neuroscience conference a few years back. They scanned the brain of couples that just started dating and they scanned couples that had been married for years. While being scanned they had each partner look at a picture of their partner. The couples that were newly dated had more reward and novelty brain regions show activation whereas the couple who had been married for years showed regional activation in areas that are associate with habit. I bring up this point to show that even the brain becomes wired different as the relationship progresses, so of course the behavior will change. There were a few couples that had been married for years and were able to show similar brain activation as newly dating couples, but it was a really insignificant number.

            • Innovative21

              I wish they could continue this study and have long trended data over substantial time studies to see if the minute number of couples who showed the “novelty” brain activity actually had felt that way in the beginning of the relationship, or if it was something that developed over time…kinda going back to the “spark aint ish/love at first sight is a crock” theory: that you grow to genuinely love someone with time. I saw something on discovery (science of sess) similar to your poster. Hmmmmm…

              • Ivy St.

                There is a lot that can be done with this study. I forgot many of the details really. If anything, funding for this type of research may be hard to come by.

            • kamakula

              Damn the neuroplasticity of the brain. . . but wait. . that means if your brain can learn one thing, it can relearn something else. Perhaps you need to push people into figuring out how to get those married couple brains to move back to newly dating brains. . . Then write a book.

              • Ivy St.

                Are you going to fund it? Will you write the grant proposal?

                In this case, it isn’t really learning. The relationship is just shifting from being novel to not novel. I don’t think you can go backwards. Maybe introducing some novel elements to the relationship will start the passion up.

      • sweetnessTO

        Also, statistically most men cheat because they are not emotionally statisfied (i.e. it’s more of an ego thing), and more often than not, it is with someone LESS attractive then their wife/GF.

        source…. some expert on cheating that was on Oprah. LOL

    • SeriousWoman

      Perhaps we should focus on staying the way we were when they met us, rather than becoming skinny

      • http://hotbiscuitsandgravy.blogspot.com Bengemin Grehe

        Aight, so, the survey doesn’t surprise me at all. I also think it’s absolutely worthless. Like Champ even pointed out, it’s incredibly small. Incredibly. Also, there is no gender breakdown, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it was the men saying that appearance was the number one reason. Not only that, but it’s not like it’s got a commanding lead. We’re talking 13%, 11%, 10%, 9%, 9%, 8%, 7%, and 6%. Is it an indicator, sure, but nothing groundbreaking.

        Also, I wonder how much of this has to do with becoming generally annoyed. I know myself, early on, I don’t care as much about certain things. Then, once time sets in, I start to become annoyed with everything. I think the article is trying to point out what those annoyances are, but your spin is different. Your spin is almost saying that we become annoyed over time because of the little things, whereas I believe the article is saying that over time, the little things annoy us.

        These are two completely different interpretations.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Aight, so, the survey doesn’t surprise me at all. I also think it’s absolutely worthless”

          i wouldn’t call it worthless. although small, i bet if you asked 200,000 people instead of 2,000, the results would be similar.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        That at least sounds like a better form of logic given her concerns. I do know someone at the same church who follows this lady closely and she seems almost obsessed with losing 50 lbs, pre-and post marriage. I’m all for her dedication but I did fear she was getting some kind of eating disorder behind it. The pastor is a breast cancer survivor, so i would at least think she’d give a different reason for being healthy in marriage and staying healthy besides, “men are visual by nature. lose weight so they don’t stray.” Sigh.

    • http://www.todisspits.blogspot.com MictheMessenger

      It’s shallow, but it is what it is. You know you don’t want your husband’s boobs sticking out further than yours.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      It is shallow. Many men are shallow. I have beautiful plus size friends who’s husbands love them. I guess it comes down to finding the right man too. There should be a balance in having realistic expectations, being healthy, and being who you are born to be. Some of us will never be a size 6…never. I think the right man would understand that and love her regardless. It shouldn’t only be about weight but hygiene, grooming, etc.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I have beautiful plus size friends who’s husbands love them. I guess it comes down to finding the right man too”

        that’s the thing: it’s not so much about being “skinny” is much as it’s staying (reasonably) close to how you looked when you first met. i’m sure those men who are into their plus sized chicks might have an issue if they all of a sudden went from a size 14 to a zero.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          I hear ya. It depends on how long the couple has been together and what has happened in between. Most of the women I mentioned were slim but are now plus sized due to kids, age, etc but their husbands still love them. I think when men spend a long time with someone, he still sees her as beautiful…but this depends on the man of course.

          • Mo-VSS

            It does depend on the man. However, I don’t think it’s shallow. It’s just that men are wired differently. And really, we SHOULD all want to look our best, husbands/SO’s be damned.

        • coldsweat3

          lol i highly doubt they will leave for shrinking unless they have a real serious BBW fetish. Jennifer Hudson looks great, no one can deny she had a major upgrade and I would have dated her with the extra poundage.

      • kamakula

        Really? Were your friends size 4 before they met the dude then plus sized afterwards? I think not.

        I’m surprised this is still even an issue. The last handful of dates I’ve had have been with women unashamed to check that one participates on a regular basis in activities that keep me in my current shape or better.

        Seriously, how many long distance runners or bikers exist in Pittsburgh?

  • CaribbeanQueen

    I can admit to having personal experience with this.. right now! lol. when I met my man I was 130 which is perfect for my height, 5’4.. He was 6’1, 190lbs. We both gained about 20 pounds since we’ve been together. You do the math. You get comfortable, and you’re always going to Olive Garden and sh*t and it starts piling on. It isn’t really noticeable because most of my weight gain goes to my a.ss and thighs so I’ve just been looking “thick” instead of athletic like I did before with a very small pooch. He gained muscle (unfair) and a small pooch as well. Now this weight gain hasn’t had any effect on our passion but we decided not to let it get to that point and now we workout together every weekend.. I only want to lose 10 pounds tho because my breasts finally came into their own with the weight gain and we both like my booty. lol. I never want to get to that point where I gain so much weight that he isn’t attracted to me anymore, and I think he feels the same way

    • WIP

      “He gained muscle (unfair) and a small pooch as well.”
      I get annoyed when I hear men talking about weight gain for this very reason. I guess men with weight issues exist, but it seems like they just eat whatever and it barely shows up on them LOL

      • Eric

        I call a foul on that one….LOL!
        I’ve been a big guy all my life and trust me, when I eat, it shows up. I’m up here now counting carbs and reviewing gym memberships right now. And I’m single! LOL!!
        Here’s something to add to this discussion though. My last girlfriend would always tell me how she enjoyed my size and the fact that I was a big guy. I was always going to the gym and trying some diet to lose weight though. After a while I ended up having to explain to her that I really appreciated her saying that she liked me just the way I am…. but it’s not about what she liked because this was something I was doing for me.
        There you go ladies… a man with body-image issues….lol

        • WIP

          Well, this makes me happy. LOL

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “It isn’t really noticeable because most of my weight gain goes to my a.ss and thighs so I’ve just been looking “thick” instead of athletic like I did before”

      where’s humble one when you need him?

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        HAHAHAHAHA!

      • CaribbeanQueen

        Lol, I don’t get it??

        • Humble_One

          @CaribbeanQueen

          “It isn’t really noticeable because most of my weight gain goes to my a.ss and thighs so I’ve just been looking “thick” instead of athletic like I did before”

          Champ is implying that you are in violation of VSB rules. VSS are not allowed to make comments such as the one quoted without visual evidence. This is in the VSB rules Article 1 Section 2.

          • CaribbeanQueen

            theres your evidence.

            http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa26/jamaicancewtie5/IMG_0149.jpg

            lol i know the difference between thick and fat!

            • Sula

              Well, CarribeanQueen deserves an award for being the first member of VSB to actually comply to the rules!

              She needs a t-shirt or something. Lol!

              • keisha brown

                LMAO @ actually complying with the VSB/VSS rule.

                • CaribbeanQueen

                  LOL i dont play!

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              Yay! This will shut the boys up. lol

              • DanceHallKing

                This ain’t shuttin’ us up . All that this is gonna do is make request for confirmation more likely.

            • V Renee

              She definitely should get a t-shirt!

              • CaribbeanQueen

                lol yay me!
                I should get a t-shirt AND welcome glitter since i never got any when i first joined the community

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/03/11/questionable-quotes/ Naturally Alise

    Even if you pass the probationary period of a relationship there still are certain upkeep things you should tend to. You may not have to do them at the vigor you once did but no matter how much we tout the whole inner beauty mantras, outside appearance matters. Not only should you do it for your mate, you should have that pride in yourself to attempt some semblance of flyness. I have a huge problem with folks letting themselves go in general, not just in the context of a relationship, it shows a lack of pride about the shell God gave you to maintain. You should not be taking better care of your car than your basic hygiene and upkeep. Something is wrong with that picture.

    • http://yahoo namia

      Real talk!

    • WIP

      This is true; look good just because you feel like the baddest biyatch in the room. Who wants to walk around looking a hot mess just for GP?

      • j.ivy

        Me. I hop up ouTta beeeed and turn my swag off most mornings. Too much attention can be distracting, sh!t I’m working on some things right now. I typically wear an I’m goin to/leavin from the gym uniform. (Not that I usually am, lol) My self esteem is likely too high, so I don’t need attention to feel good about me, and when I WANT the attention it doesn’t take much at all. Historically, being in a relationship generally has inspired me to put more effort into bein flya than muh, contrary to the usual expectation of women in relationships. Weight/fitness on the other hand, I do for me and given the fit of the uniform, I’m the only one who sees what I’m working with most times.

        • MsLexiFlexi

          @ j.ivy.
          “I hop up ouTta beeeed and turn my swag off most mornings. Too much attention can be distracting, sh!t I’m working on some things right now. I typically wear an I’m goin to/leavin from the gym uniform.”

          I SO feel you on this one! Though, I typically AM just leaving or heading to the gym (take care of your body and it’ll take care of you). But miss me with the hoopla on looking good for yourself. Be it scrubs, gym clothes, or sweats….I can’t turn this off! Holllerrrrr! Lol…

    • CAsweetface

      My first & last time quoting Omarion, “…besides who wants a girl that no dudes would chase.” I take this to mean what youre saying, stay fly for yourself & for your man/woman period point blank! Love it!

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      *snaps in Z-formation*

      *twirls*

      THANK you.

      *sneaks another snap in for good measure*

  • Jennifer Elise

    This makes total sense to me. People tend to fall in love with the ideal, and they don’t want anyone ruining the fantasy – not even the fantasy, lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “People tend to fall in love with the ideal, and they don’t want anyone ruining the fantasy – not even the fantasy, lol.”

      tu shea and sh*t

    • keisha brown

      underrated comment of the day!

  • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

    “Committment is doin what you said you were going to do, long after the spirit of what you said you were going to do has left you”

    A committment is more than just the obvious cookin, cleanin, workin, etc….stayin (getting) in shape should be a committment to couples as much as the sex and all the other things…from both parties…

    Staying attractive is a responsibility of both parties…and it doesn’t take a long time…30 min workouts a day + eating right = a plan for success…

    Hell men, appreciate the EFFORT as much as anything…Two things that men appreciate…respect and effort…they can take you a long way as a wife,girlfriend, etc

    • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

      *likes this comment*

    • WIP

      LOL, men do appreciate effort. We talk about ‘attractiveness’ but what if your SO became physically impaired or disabled somehow? There’s essentially the same conflict. I’m sure those in a legal committment (marriage) would feel differently than those that are dating, but appearance can’t be that strong of a factor for a relationship to be great.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “We talk about ‘attractiveness’ but what if your SO became physically impaired or disabled somehow?”

        this isn’t exactly a soup question

      • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

        @WIP

        That’s a COMPLETELY different story though….but yes, marriage is different from dating in your example..I’m married, so i’m with my wife forever…but if i’m dating, it may depend….

      • kid video

        @ WIP

        “…but what if your SO became physically impaired or disabled somehow”

        I thought Musiq Soldchile covered this topic in a video a while back…

        • WIP

          LOL, ya he did. I brought it up because it is a very similar discussion. Physical appearance is the #1 a “passion-killer”- physical appearances don’t only change because of weight gain, hairdos, and body hair. It could just as easily change because the person has a physical illness or gets injured. And I’m not even thinking terminal illnesses- maybe the person develops some mild condition that changes the way they look. There really isn’t a difference in one’s response if physical attraction is as important as some have suggested. I made the marriage distinction because I don’t think one has any obligation otherwise.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      That’s true. It is very hard for women to keep weight gain at a minimal. I would like to think that men would appreciate the effort of trying to maintain a good shape and appearance. Good point.

      • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

        Yeah, and I would think that a man/ woman would understand the inevitability of your partner gaining weight…my wife is small, but i built in a good 30-50 lbs just in case…haha…

        Personally, I have gained weight in our almost 2 years together (20 lbs) due to the sedentary nature of my job…(I’m 6’4 240, my Wife is 5’3, 105 after a buffet dinner with weights in her pocket)…she maintains that she doesn’t feel that I’m getting “too big” for her, but I personally hate the weight gain….i’m working to combat that by playing rec sports close to year round, working out, and adjusting my diet…

        It boils down to preference though…i know i’m not going to have a 6 pack like i did when i was in high school and I married someone who accepts that as well…

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Exactly. Your partner is realistic. Life happens, people need to realize that. Aint nothing wrong with petite women…I tell my bro all the time, after 3 kids she’ll be perfect. :)

        • Be On It

          As a tall chick, I officially hate that you married a midget. Yes, it’s hateration, and no, I don’t care. lol

          But seriously and ish, I’m glad you and your wife are happy and ish, with your mismatched selves.

          • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

            Thanks….Had a tall chick as my first…”like”…played the heck outta me….swore em off like cheap liquor….

            • Be On It

              Where is she so I can send the drop squad after her? LOL

              • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

                haha I make it my business to not know….

  • Caballeroso

    Women often say that they should get a pass once they have kids, and while there is certainly some credibility to this argument since prenancy does have a significant impact on a woman’s body, I’m not so sure that that’s not a crutch that some may use for being able to “let herself go” in a relationship.

    If he was attracted to her when she had an azz/waist ratio of 1.5, and now it’s 0.75, it stands to reason that he may no longer be attracted to her. It doesn’t have anything to do with love, even though some would argue that love is all that should truly matter, the fact of the matter is that men tend to be more visually inspired creatures…after all, chances are, he didn’t step to her on day one because he loved her, he stepped to her because her body was bangin’!

    I regret how shallow this must sound, but from a logical perspective it makes sense. It may not be politically correct, but it does make sense. I’m not advocating the abandonment of family due to weight gain, just saying that I can see how weight gain could become a factor…especially if it’s in addition to other things that are less than ideal in the relationship.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      I think the pregnancy pass is something you may never know up front. Pregnancy wrecks bodies. Some women’s bodies repair better than others. Some will never be the same ever again, but a lot can be done to get as close to pre-pregnancy as possible. I guess that’s why they say look to a woman’s mom to see what she will be like in 20 years lol. Though, my mom has always been smaller than me since I’ve been adult, so i dunno what to believe.

      • Mr. Gundam

        Y’kno this ks alot of sense. It explains little more why some women don’t want to go through pregnancy but would love to have kids one day.

        • WIP

          THIS. I want to birth 1 child. I feel like as a woman that’s something I should experience, and I hope I get the chance. After that, my body is all mine. I thought about adopting or being a foster parent or something because I actually love kids but I couldn’t imagine having 19 kids and counting. That must be physically taxing on the lady parts.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          Yeahh. A lot of men may not realize that childbirth is the closest we are to death, and we are risking our lives to birth our children. It’s more than just some pain and inconvenience. So…pardon if a few of us are like “f*cka few extra pounds” once we have recovered from a pregnancy, or if we are not super pressed to lose weight ASAP. Or ever.

        • Sula

          I used to rile my father up by saying that after I have my kids I will put in gigantic breast implants (my dad is the head of “you should appreciate who you are” committee)… But seriously, one of the reasons I regret not having kids at an earlier age is that, your body is more responsive then… and it helps getting everything back up where it needs to be…

          Oh well, J-Hudson gives hope to older mothers to be everywhere. :lol:

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        So true. I gained 70lbs during my pregnancy and got 3 stretch marks on my side. I fuggin hate them. I lost all the weight but all I could see was the marks on my hip. I applied all types of expensive creams that smoothed and lightened them up alot. I did what I could to get them down. I still see them slightly but I can still wear a bikini, etc. My point is some things are unavoidable…and trust I’m slim but my body still changed after pregnancy. There’s nothing I can do about it but I wish a muh fugga would say anything about them. That’s how fools get shanked. Any man who wants to comment on a few body flaws is a diva. Period.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        yeah, the pregnancy pass issue is one that even I won’t touch. maybe after six rum and cokes, but not now.

      • Dee

        My mom and I have SUCH different body types, and we also look NOTHING alike…that advice doesn’t work for me at all….

        • Sula

          My mom and I have SUCH different body types

          THIS.

          My mom is skin-ty! I mean she was 105 lbs at 33 while 3 months pregnant with my sister! That’s how small she is and she takes after her paternal side… My sisters took after my mother, so you could look at her for “prediction”… But I have an odd combination of my father’s side (boobage galore) and my maternal grandmother’s side (hips,thighs and a$$ you don’t need)… So looking to my mother for prediction on how I will be will yield no results at all. Lol.

          My sisters are all size 2 and below… I ain’t nothing close to a size 2. :lol:

          So yeah, this whole look to the mother business is …. nope! :lol:

      • Mo-VSS

        I hate that saying. My mother is overweight by her own choosing. So when a man meets me and sees her…I hate that he may think “well damn, she’s gonna be big.” I work out 6 days a week to maintain and stay fit. Pregnancy or not, I’ll be damn if I let myself go.

        Also, many women don’t even attempt to work out during their pregnancy and they feel like if they “only” gained 35 lbs they did well. It all depends though. Surely you don’t want to start a workout regimine when you’re pregnant. However, an already overweight woman doesn’t need to gain that much while she’s pregnant, while a smaller woman has to leeway.

        Anyway, that was sort of a rant, but I was making two points: 1) a woman doesn’t have to get super big during pregnancy, and 2) all women will not look like their mothers upon aging.

        • V Renee

          1) a woman doesn’t have to get super big during pregnancy ..

          Have you ever had a baby? I don’t think anyone can really say what will and should happen to their body while pregnant. It’s just one of those things you find out once you’ve been through it.

          • Mo-VSS

            No I haven’t…but I know enough to know that while every women is different, not every woman has to gain 70+ lbs when they get pregnant. I’m not trying to be elitest or a snob about it either. I just think that so many times we, especially black women, get this complex about eating right, exercising and maintaining a healthy that we use anything to justify why we’ve gained weight. I know women still claming to have “baby weight” and their kid is 6 or 7. Uhm…no. It may have started out that they didn’t lose all the weight, but what accounts for the extra they’ve put on?

            So again, I’m not being ridiculous about it. If a woman has an issue, like a thyroid problem or anything else that hinders/speeds metabolism and such, then I understand. But, just eating a lot and then not working to get it off…no excuse for that.

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            Exactly I cosign both of you. I’m back to my normal self but not how I was before…AND it took alot of dieting starving myself to shed the baby weight in the beginning. You cannot predict what will happen to you. I’ll tell you this. I was a size 2 (5’6″ and 118lbs) before I had my daughter…now I’m a size 6 at 140lbs. Everyone in my family is slim but just imagine how that varies. I wouldn’t call it. You’ll see when you get there and do NOT pass judgement on women who gain weight after child birth. It’s a tricky thing.

            I never let myself go. I don’t know many women who let themselves go either BUT I’ll tell you that working out 6 days a week is very hard with a small baby. It takes time to lose the weight and it takes time out of your busy mom schedule to make it happen. But you already know.

            But this:
            “an already overweight woman doesn’t need to gain that much while she’s pregnant, while a smaller woman has to leeway.” I was told that healthy weight gain is 20-30lbs no matter what your size going in. A heavy-weight pregnant woman is still going to gain weight and she needs to in order to have a healthy baby and amniotic fluid. That’s a myth.

            • PerceptionIsYourReality

              Cosign on this SFG!! From my experience it was mos def hard to work in the time to exercise with a small child. Ie, your tired, long nites, working, demanding baby. On top of that your hormones change post-preggars and it is harder for some (not all) to lose the weight or not gain once you start eating again.,
              Personally, I gained about 70 pounds when I was preggars and it wasnt from indulging myself,. I ate really healthy while pregnant. I was eclamptic ( translation-pregnancy induced high blood pressure) at the end of my pregnancy. SO I gained about 25 pounds in 2 weeks from getting sick.
              So @Mo-Vss all cases are not the same for pregnancy. Until you been through it you dont know..

              • Mo-VSS

                If you read above, I said that if folks have issues and such that contribute to weight gain (or complications for that matter) it makes sense. My comment is in reference to folks who use their “baby weight” to justify why they gained weight over the course of years…not just during their pregnancy.

                But…I’ve never had a kid so obviously, I don’t know…

                (I’m in a bad mood so that last comment, while snarky, is a reflection of my mood. You may not have meant it that way, but since I’m pissed today, I took it as a jab.)

                • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

                  But I think too many people are making the issue of the actual number on the scale…to a man, it all depends on how the woman LOOKS w/ the weight….you can/and should exercise and eat right when you are pregnant…heck, i exercised (walked, light weights), and did yoga with my wife while she was pregnant…we exercised more while she was pregnant than we do now, crazy enough….With help from the man, the wife can gain enough weight for the baby, yet still be healthy and look great….and as far as diet, we constantly kept fruit in the house, did salads and limited on sugar for the most part…

                  Teamwork is key…great precursor to mother and fatherhood decisions…

                • WIP

                  @ Johnathan

                  And people wonder why women fall for married men! When you tell stories like that, it makes us say “awwww, I want that.” So we try to take it. LOL. I like this though. I feel like that’s how married folks should act…when possible.

            • Dee

              yeah, my GYN had this talk. I thought the same ignorance that Mo-Vss thought, and she put me straight. I need to lose weight before I get pregnant so that when I gain the weight I’m SUPPOSED to when I’m pregnant, I’ll be ok.

              If you’ve never been pregnant, and if you’re not a doctor, then I suggest you refrain from spouting things off as fact.

              • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

                Whoa…*throws flag on the play*…she did say she has been pregnant before….calm down yall…

                • Mo-VSS

                  @Jonathan, thanks. I don’t know why folks get up in arms about bits and pieces of what I’ve said. If I had said any weight gain is unacceptable, then take me to task. I spoke from my point of view and what MY doc said when I was pregnant.

                  If folks disagree, cool. But the indignation that some feel has to be put out is about to be met with lots of e-hate cuz it’s uncalled for.

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Mo is a mommy. :) I know what you meant, Mo. I was just trying to say that it’s not as easy as it sounds. Trust, I’ve been slim my entire life and I’m a former athlete and dancer however I can empathize with women who take a while to lose the weight after pregnancy. Tis all I was saying. Obviously what you wrote struck a nerve in some. It’s a sensitive issue. I see why Champ didn’t want to touch on it. lol

                • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                  OH I just read below that you aren’t a mom. I’M SORRY!!!

                • http://twitter.com/Grice_Is_Right Jonathan

                  Maybe i’m an optimist, insensitive or whatever, but I don’t think the core issue (staying attractive) relating to after pregnancy is that tough…all relationships really are are about communication…Do you like it when I do this? How about wearing these heels? Are there some things I need to do to help?

                  Having a child is a wonderful thing…If you can’t get back to how much you weighed before the baby, that’s okay…the risks & potential problems with your body after a child are hopefully understood and accepted…it sucks that some guys aren’t cool w/ that, but like I said before, I stand behind saying that guys appreciate the effort….and if they dont…that shows the character of that guy….

        • PerceptionIsYourReality

          @ Mo-Vss, I dont know if you have any kids ( I have one). But as far as I know (research I have read) between 30-40 pounds is “healthy” weight gain for pregnancy. Not saying that all women gain that but as far as I know that is what you are supposed to gain. Just my two cents.

          • Mo-VSS

            I don’t have kids. When I was pregnant (had a miscarriage) my doc then was telling me about weight gain and she suggested 25-30 lbs. Now, that may have been low. When my sister was pregnant the first time, her doc cautioned her when she approached a 40 lbs weight gain. So, I think it depends on the person, their overall health and other factors.

            Again, that’s just MY experience. Not judging the experiences or situations of others.

        • Racqs

          PREACH on this! I’ve gotten so tired of VSBs ranting about meeting mothers just to see how they will look when they age. I’ve tried getting my mother to take better care of herself, but it’s just not happening. I do my workouts and love em! That should count TEN times more than how your family members look.

        • KautiousNupe

          A Black women working out 6 days a week is soooooooooooo sexy (but not in a sexual way). I am sure that this makes no sense, lol. It also (and I could be fooled) looks like you have dat real hair. You be working out and u manage that maintain that real hair. You are def bi-winning.