Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

Why Some Women Seem To Have All The (Dating and Relationship) Luck…And Others Don’t Seem To Have Any At All

looks can be deceiving

We’ve all heard the scenario:

Girl A is physically attractive, smart, sexy, fun, fit, well-rounded, active, engaging, personable, eager to oral (and anal after five Mojitos), likes baconburgers, sports, sweatpants, regular showers, and would be willing to consider liking Mobb Deep if in the right mood. But, despite the fact that Girl A has read every relationship book ever written by any fledgling male comedian, caught each Paul Carrick Brunson matchmaker show, and has attended so many parties, single’s bowling nights, speed dating events, and professional happy hours that her friends have started calling her “The Ticketmaster“, Girl A has worse luck with finding men than Antonio Cromartie has with finding condoms.

Girl B shares many of the same traits as Girl A. But, while Girl A wouldn’t even find a man if a man named “Aman” was doing jumping jacks on her bedroom dresser, Girl B can’t walk two blocks without tripping over “sincere and persistent male interest”. In fact, “sincere and persistent male interest” follows Girl B around so much that it even rubbed off on her pet poodle Jackie, who can’t even take a walk around the block with Girl B anymore without a bunch of big-d*cked Great Danes following her around and sniffing her ass

To be honest, out of all the dating and relationship issues/dynamics Panama and I have heard about and discussed, this—some seemingly attractive women just never seem to have any relationship luck, while others seem to have all of the luck—is the one that continues to completely perplex both of us.

Even while the (real or perceived) eligible man-shortage is making the dating game even more difficult for many women, some women just never seem to have a shortage of desirable male suitors. And, while the easy answer seems to be that these women are probably just more physically attractive than most other women, this is rarely the case. In fact, I’m sure everyone reading this can probably name a few women who aren’t “dimes” or perfect catches by any stretch of the imagination, but still never seem to have the types of perpetual man procuring difficulties plaguing many of their peers (even the more traditionally attractive ones).

Anyway, while trying to wrap my brain around this phenomenon, I thought of five possible (and possibly connected) reasons why this occurs.

1. Some women seem to have all of the luck because, well, they’re lucky

If you were to randomly read any relationship-centric magazines or books, watch any relationship-centric talk shows, or visit any relationship-centric websites (including this one) on any given day, you’d probably encounter dozens upon dozens of lists, guides, rules, regulations, mores, maxims, dos, don’ts, and decrees, all telling you exactly what you need to do (or stop doing) to improve your relationship lot.

But, even though this advice is (usually) completely sincere and agenda-less, it tends to dismiss exactly how much of a factor luck is in finding compatible, interested, and available partners. Seriously, just think about how many people have met their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives while in the produce section of Costco or on the train to work or after accidentally tripping into them at the airport after finding out that they just missed their flight, and think of how these people never would have met each other if a train was a couple minutes late or a line at lunch time was a little longer than usual or they happened to be wearing an Ipod that day and weren’t completely aware of their surroundings.

Sure, there are things you can do to increase the chances that you might possibly be lucky (ie: shop at a high-traffic supermarket instead of the one down the block from you), but you can’t control sheer serendipity, and it’s disingenuous to not admit that some women just seem to be a bit more serendipitous than others.

2. Some personalities are more conducive to compatibility

If you’ve been around here long enough, you probably know that I frequently make jokes about how (some) women love to experiment with different foods just for experimentation’s sake. It amuses and annoys the hell out of me, and I take every opportunity possible to kid women who seem to need to try to eat food from a different continent every day of the week.

Why do I this? It’s simple: I’m jealous. You see, I have acid reflux and frequent bubble guts, and I kid women who always seem to need to try “new” foods because I genuinely envy people who can do that without having to first map out a plan to reach the nearest working toilet. While having a weak stomach hasn’t made my life any better or worse, it does severely limit my options. I still enjoy food very much, but I have to be extremely particular about the food I choose to eat.

The women who never seem to have a shortage of male suitors also seem to be more likely to have “strong stomachs“. While they have their preferences and standards like everyone else, their personalities allow them to be compatible with many divergent types of people, and they just don’t seem to clash with others as often as “weak stomached” women (and men) do.

It doesn’t matter if they happen to meet an athlete, artist, entertainer, engineer, introvert, extrovert, jock, nerd, intellectual, or (in some cases) idiot, strong stomached women have enough demeanor dexterity to be able to find commonalities and build a relationship around them. If you could feasibly be in a romantic relationship with 24 different types of men, it stands to reason that you’d have more opportunities for “success” than a woman who’s only compatible with 4 different types of men.

3. Some women do need to have men around

If you look again, you’ll notice I titled this “Why Some Women Seem To Have All The (Dating and Relationship) Luck…And Others Don’t Seem To Have Any“. Including “seem” twice was no accident.

It’s perfectly understandable that Girl A’swomen who haven’t had much recent dating success—would envy Girl B’swomen who always seem to either be in relationships or have a steady stream of men interested in them—but some Girl B’s are s0 dependent on having a man in their life that they’ll stay in bad relationships and/or ignore obvious red flags just to have some testosterone around. From a Girl A/outsider perspective, it seems like Girl B’s have all of the luck, but with some Girl B’s this “success” is an illusion, a mating magic trick fooling everyone into thinking their grass is greener when it’s really just spray-painted dirt.

4. Some Girl A’s have a tendency to underestimate how attractive Girl B’s are to men

“In fact, I’m sure everyone reading this can probably name a few women who aren’t “dimes” or perfect catches by any stretch of the imagination, but still never seem to have the types of perpetual man procuring difficulties plaguing many of their peers (even the more traditionally attractive ones).”

I’ve touched on this before, but one thing I’ve noticed with some Girl A’s is they underestimate and downplay how attractive a Girl B is to men, and they’re genuinely surprised when she has more “success” because they don’t think men should find the qualities they’re attracted to in her attractive.

While these women might not be what other women would consider “dimes” or perfect catches, they’re in possession of qualities many men put a premium on. So while their “success” is sometimes dismissed as “luck”, it’s usually a bit deeper than that.

5. Some women are walking, talking, self-fulfilling (and self-pitying) prophecies

In keeping with the “things aint always what they seem” theme, there are some women (some of whom who are probably reading this right now) who have convinced themselves of a certain narrative of relationship hopelessness, so they allow themselves to be defined by their lack of relationship success so people will pity and pay more attention to them.

These are the women who’ll complain about not getting approached by any men…until you remind her that you actually witnessed four different men approach her the last time you saw her at the club. Then, when she it flips to “Well, they approach, but nobody is trying to take me on any dates“, you remind her that she just sent you a “Don’t you know that this wack n*gga tried to take me to Dave and Busters last night?” text 45 minutes ago.

It not that these women don’t have any luck, it’s that they’ve added so many qualifiers to the luck they do have that it eventually ends up not counting. As stated here earlier in the week, some women don’t know what they want, but won’t be completely happy until they get it (I guess this can apply to men too, but we’re not talking about us today)

Anyway, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed this phenomenon. Can anyone add any more insight about why it seems like some women never, ever, ever seem to have any trouble finding (and keeping) a man, while other women—women who are perfectly good catches on paper—never seem to have any luck at all?

The carpet is yours.

***Also, I just want to make clear that today’s entry isn’t about every woman, just women who fit categories “A” and “B”***

—The Champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • coldsweat3


    • coldsweat3

      Some women just smile and look approachable or look more interesting or perhaps just came outside without a headwrap on…

  • coldsweat3


  • I think Girl B types don’t try so hard and thus find love easier. My friends transition from Girl A to Girl B when they give up their boy hunt and just are themselves. Lot of times women focus so much time on trying to be perfect and be at the right place at the right time that they just don’t end up with anything. They went fishing and they got a dirty boot caught on their line.

    Also, telling guys you don’t want a relationship or want to date makes them more eager to date you. Interesting no? Yeezy taught me.

  • It is really aggravating to be one of those who really don’t have luck with men, then watch my girlfriends get ran down by dudes trying to get their attention. I don’t even know what the hell to do to even change my demeanor so I can have the ‘luck’ which you speak of. I’m not even downplaying it either. I’m really serious.

    Not to sound bitter but this shit is for the birds…

  • And some women are lucky enough to realize that being single isn’t a death sentence. Or something to feel unlucky about. But I don’t know any of those women.

    -Crystal Marie

  • Leila

    I know a lot of Girl A’s. They have everything, but can’t get a date. I know one girl who’s Girl B. She’s pretty, but not a dime. She’s a sweet southern girl and very friendly which a lot of guys like. She also talks to every guy with a lot of interest, smiles a lot, and doesn’t dismiss guys who usually wouldn’t have a chance.

  • similar to item #4, i’d also like to add the “perpetually self-fulfilling prophecy” woman. she has become a veritable eeyore of the dating scene, and although she may be a dime to most on the outside, a few unfortunate experiences and cold nights have led her to believe that the scarcity of good black men is an irreversible and universal truth.

    these are many of the women i went to [predominantly-white] college with; who alleged that there were “no black men,” while in the presence of actual black men. they’s black mens, they just aint none for YOU, witcho sullen a$$.

  • First, I want you to stop publishing posts when I ought to be sleeping. They are caffeine stimulating when I need to be unwinding. And what I mean by that is “don’t stop” (I specialize in the mind-boggling ninja-nese that women are taught straight outta the womb). Anyhoo, I wrote about the relationship shortage months back at

    I really believe that relationships are ruled by our perception of the world. There is no shortage of incredible men to date of all hues who are interested in your very flavor. There is however, IMHO, a shortage of faith and diligence that causes Girl A to be alone and Girl B, if she’s unhappy, to be unsatisfactorily matched.

    We love being right about things, especially miserable. Girl A tends to be someone who doesn’t believe she’ll ever make it in the relationship arena and does everything in her power to battle the unbeatable sense of doom she feels. No amount of tap dancing will convince you or anyone else that you’re happy.

    Well-adjusted Girl B tends to just be happy and faithful or at least open to it in some way. Even if she’s as messy as Girl A in the believe area, she still has hope. Hope conquers all.

    One day I’m gonna do a study on Black women and relationships for real with no comedians on the research team and I swear the answer will be bliss. Those that are truly blissful continue to attract bliss and those that aren’t will continue to miss.

  • “Can anyone add any more insight about why it seems like some women never, ever seem to have trouble finding (and keeping) a man, while other women—who are perfectly good catches on paper—never seem to have any luck at all?”

    Maybe. Maybe not. Who’s ta say?

  • Liz

    You ain’t sayin nuthin new. While us generally-good-women-on-paper may complain about being dateless that’s not what we really mean. As one of my best friends once said, “when I say ‘I can’t get a date,’ what I really mean is, ‘I can’t get a date with a guy who doesn’t work at the airport.’ ” There’s always options. We’re just not desperate. We’d rather be sittin at home with our cat watchin SVU than go for some weak “let’s hang out” date “request,” even if the guy is cute and fairly suitable in other ways.

    *kanye shrugs out of this thread*

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