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Why President Obama’s Final 4th of July White House BBQ Will Be The Blackest Thing That Ever Happened

It’s been well-established that President Obama discarded the last one of his fucks many moons ago; letting it go the same way Kappas forsake dignity at coed kickball games. We don’t know exactly where he left that last fuck, but my guess would be in a bathroom sink in Ben’s Chili Bowl on U Street, which is where fucks often go to perish.

Anyway, we’re now left with a preeminently fuck denuded Black President. Which matters because when fuck fleeced Black people 1) happen to still be employed and 2) have a predetermined expiration date on said employment, all the Blackness that needed to be suppressed to keep said job has a way of bubbling up. Like a Black-ass, fuck scrapped volcano. And it matters even more today, the day of the Obama family’s final Fourth of July at the White House. Which will undoubtedly be the Blackest thing the White House lawn has ever seen. We already know both Kendrick Lamar and Janelle Monae were invited to perform, and you do not invite both Kendrick Lamar and Janelle Monae to perform somewhere in 2016 unless you expect that somewhere to be charted in the Guinness Book of Blackness. So the only question that remains is exactly how Black will this BBQ be? Will it be acceptably, but not transcendently Black? (Like Jason Derulo.) Or will it be so Black that it even makes other Black people a little uncomfortable? (Like Kool-Aid at a wedding.)

In order to answer this question, a few more questions need to be asked and answered. (Ht to Errin Whack, who prompted this post after pointing out this performance in our Facebook messenger conversation yesterday about said White House BBQ)

1. Will President Obama don his usual “Guy At The YMCA You Don’t Want To Pick On Your Team But Have To Because He’s Your Boss And You’re Dating His Daughter” pick-up basketball outfit (white shirt tucked into blue joggers; blue joggers tucked into Under Armour Curry 2 Lows), or will he go full middle-aged Black uncle (either a white linen shorts set with Stacy Adams Cognac colored Belmar Sandals or white tube socks, flip-flops, jean shorts, and a Hanes ComfortBlend v-neck undershirt)?

2. Who will be the White guy holding his own at the Spades table? (Probably Joe Biden. Actually, definitely Joe Biden.) And who will be the waaaaaay too awkward White guy who just hasn’t been around this much Blackness before and doesn’t know how to handle himself? (My guess? Paul Ryan.)

3. Is Jesse Williams invited? If so, who will make his plate? (This is a trick question. Because Jesse Williams and his wife definitely make plates for each other.)

4. Who’s the official potato salad officiant? Is it Grandma Robinson? (Probably.) Does Michelle handle these duties herself? (Maybe.) Or is this the year they finally allow Malia to experiment with some recipe she learned in homeroom at Sidwell Friends, since its her birthday? (No.)

5. Will every attendee get a red cup at the door, and will they have to write their names on said red cups with dry erase markers? (If so, I can totally see Oprah being asked to write her name on a cup, smiling, reaching in her purse, pulling out her own red cup with a diamond-crusted “I’m Oprah, Bitches” emblazoned on it, and walking away.)

6. Will Sasha bring a date, and will the President have a jovial “conversation” with said date while two of his scariest secret service agents hover around, like hawks ready to pounce on a Jordan-rocking earthworm?

7. Does Valerie Jarrett lead the Wobble, or does she use this time to grab another bottle of Jamaican Me Happy Seagram’s Escapes?

8. Did Kanye’s and Kim’s invites get, um, lost in the mail again, like what happened last year? (And the year before. And the year before that.)

9. When Kendrick performs “Alright”, will Hillary surprise (and piss off) everyone by knowing — and rapping along with — all the lyrics?

10. When will the fireworks start before the meat is actually ready?

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • A.G.

    I NEED the concert to be live-streamed. I want Kendrick to perform “The Blacker the Berry” or “Untitled 2” (the one he did on Fallon).

    • brothaskeeper

      It would be the Blackest thing ever if he could do “King Kunta”.

      • A.G.

        Yaaaaaaaassss

        I want “Untitled 2” just for the line “See I made my moves with shackled feet”

  • Mizwest

    “Jordan rocking earthworm” took me out, this is soooo accurate! Lol.

  • Anne1116

    Just want to know are you a Que?

  • Sometimes you fucking kill me. lol.

  • United_Dreamer

    I look forward to Obama’s activities post presidency. The presidency like all presidencies is a front to for the “acceptable” face of white supremacism. But it’s a good way to raise your profile to really make a difference afterwards. He’s still young enough to make a difference and his wife and children now have a profile that will hopefully help promote black interests in a more meaningful manner.

  • So …… kind of Freaknik at the White House

    • Irnise Fennell

      Blacc Chyna is in town. Maybe she will be invited by. That would piss off Kim!

    • Mochasister

      Lawd, I never went to Freakniki but I heard it was wild!

      • I only know of it from Lil Kim’s lyrics and hear-say lol, I’m not even old enough to have had that CD in the first place, I got in trouble for it. “Want a cheap chic, better go down to Freaknik” something like that

  • Trill Mickelson

    Last year I went to a family member’s wedding and there was Kool-Aid. And fried chicken. And go-go music (plot twist: no one involved in this wedding was from DC, nor was the wedding itself anywhere near DC). If that wasn’t the Blackest event I’ve ever been to, it’s definitely an honorable mention.

    • Amen

      That sounds amazing.

    • I would’ve tipped the hayle out of that bartender especially if it’s really sweet.

      Lawd.

      • SororSalsa

        And 7 more people had diabetes after the wedding was over. That’s the test.

    • kingpinenut

      god bless go-go

    • Blueberry01

      I’m curious…where was it held and where were the people from?

  • Kas

    Thanks for this. It provided a much needed laugh. Now, off to get some work done myself.

    • NonyaB

      Isn’t this a public holiday for all in the US?

      • LMNOP

        Most places like stores are still open on the 4th, a lot of people have the day off (probably including Kas), but it’s definitely a privilege, not something all Americans get.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          True on the privilege , shoutout to the pto

      • Kas

        Yes it is. However, my deadlines don’t get moved for silly things like holidays or weekends. Not putting in a full day, more like 3 or 4 hours from the comfort of my home.

        • NonyaB

          ‘S’watchu get for making ze big bucks. ?

          • Kas

            Being paid a salary ? ze big bucks. It equals never truly being free from work.

            • NonyaB

              Ah, ze quest for ze bigger bucks abides.

              • Kas

                I’m shooting for decent bucks.

                • NonyaB

                  Tomahto, tomayto.

      • Blue Lantern Kitty

        Banks are closed, post isn’t delivered, and all government offices are closed. Many businesses choose to close, but some are open normal or modified hours.

  • But Durant to Golden State tho…

    • brothaskeeper

      Whet?

      • HouseOfBonnets

        I literally just heard this….

      • It happened bruh. I can’t believe it.

    • 2011k

      Yeah, I heard about that. I kinda want him to stay in OKC

      • I’m a Dubs fan, we’ve had to hear noise bout KD to GS for a whole year, never thought it was gonna happen though, at least not this year. I’m still in shock.

    • E_Deshon

      I feel like for the sake of good competition he should’ve stayed in okc……but then I’m like Go Dubbs!!!

  • NonyaB

    The soul train/conga/other dance lines at that jam will be so LIT.

    • Mochasister

      Aww, did you see that baby jump when they mentioned the police? It’s funny and sad at the same time. It’s like the police have now become the bogeyman.

      • NonyaB

        Yep. Sad that as young as she is, she already knows.

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