Why It’s True That Men Need To Fall For Women A Bit Harder Than They Fall For Us

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"I'm smiling now, but if you bite my neck again, this'll be the last time we have pier sex"

One of the best (and worst) things about being an adult is the occasional realization that certain things you never wanted to believe to be true are, in fact, true. On a macro level, these realizations are good because they help you grow and see the world for what it truly is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, however good this knowledge may ultimately be, it still stings a bit to learn that you believed some wrong-ass shit.

In the past few years or so I’ve had (at least) two such realizations. One was already touched on by Panama last week in “Is This What Growed Up Feels Like?” But, while P admitted feeling a little ashamed that he was a fan of such ignant rap, I feel no such shame. I’ve stopped trying to explain how the misogyny, nihilism, and overall misandry present in much of popular rap — even rap made by “conscious” artists — is just some sort of postmodern social commentary reflecting on the trails and tribulations of post-industrial inner city society and finally admitted to myself that I just happen to like some ignorant-ass, vulgar-ass, violent-ass music that’s ignorant, vulgar, and violent for no reason. I’m not sure what exactly that says about me, but it’s about time I stopped trying to believe that wasn’t true.

The second realization wasn’t as easy to accept. I was either at my friend’s aunt’s house or outside of a greyhound station bathroom (can’t remember which) when I first remember hearing that “a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him.”  In both instances, I was too busy making sure no improbably fast six-legged creatures crawled on my chicken to pay much attention to the phrase.

As the years passed, I began to hear it more and more, but it was never actually said with any type of sane explanation. A girl I dated in college once told me that her mom told her never to like a boy more than the boy likes her. When she asked her why, she apparently mumbled, shook her head, and said “because you don’t want to end up with the gout and worms like your grandmother, that’s why.”

Explanation or not, that sentiment just never really sat right with me. A relationship idealist, I believed that the best partnerships were formed when both parties fell in love simultaneously and loved each other equally. Plus, as a young man doing whatever the f*ck I needed to do to stay the hell away from any burgeoning relationship with “friend’s zone” potential, the idea that I need to be more into a woman than she was into me was an affront to my pride and the complete antithesis of everything I “learned” from the baseheads selling jumper cables outside of my barber shop through experience.

I don’t know exactly when or where I started to accept this sentiment as truth, but I do know today that it is undeniably, unequivocally, and uncomfortably true. Thing is, while (many) men seem to reject this sentiment because it seems to balance the dating and relationship scale in the woman’s favor, it’s actually necessary because that part of the game is already balanced in our favor. Us falling first and harder doesn’t do anything but even things out.

To wit, I’m assuming most of the thousands of men who will visit this blog today have been in at least one good relationship, and possibly more. I’m also going to assume that, in at least 50 percent of these relationships, the guy eventually “won” the woman over by “growing on” her. Basically, he was really feeling her, she was “eh” about him at first, but he eventually managed to somehow convince her that he was worth being with/sleeping with/swallowing, etc.

Now, if I were to ask how many of these men ended up happy with a woman that they were “eh” about at first until she convinced him that she was worth being with, I doubt I’d get many replies. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get any.

Because of certain sociological and biological factors largely out of our control, women aren’t really able to grow on men the same way we can grow on them, making it paramount that we (men) are the ones who show the most initial interest. Basically, while there’s a good chance that a good relationship can spring if a guy has grow on a chick, there’s absolutely no chance of it happening if the opposite occurs.

Also, another completely unscientific and unresearched theory to add to the rest of the completely unscientific and unresearched theories presented today is that men who aren’t head over hills about the woman they’re with are more likely to do things that “unsettled” men do — i.e., cheat, be non-committal, stay emotionally unavailable, etc.

Obviously, men in love do still do these things, but I just don’t think it happens as often as a man who doesn’t really feel like he put the time and effort into “winning” anybody. Just as women are more likely to value men who are wanted by other women but chose to pursue them, men are more likely to value the women they chose to attempt to win. It’s a truth I didn’t really want to admit, but I guess learning new shit is the best part about being a grown-up. (Actually, being able to drink moosetracks milkshakes for breakfast while sitting on your couch butt-naked and watching “Miller’s Crossing” without anyone saying a gotdamn thing is a pretty good part about being a grown-up, but that’s besides the point)

Anyway, people of VSB, do you think think it’s true that the best relationships happen when men fall in love a little harder and a little faster than the woman they’re with? (For some strange reason, I get the feeling that the responses will be split along gender lines. I may be wrong, though) 

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

682 thoughts on “Why It’s True That Men Need To Fall For Women A Bit Harder Than They Fall For Us”

    • Yeah this does sound familiar somewhat. I think Champ is right in the sense that sure the relationship is better when the man loves more but that is from the woman’s perspective or the perspective of the rom-com definition of love many people are carrying around in their pockets. I theorize and believe, men love differently from women and hence measuring what is termed “equal” love, is near difficult. Our priorities are different. If a man loves a woman more than she loves him, it is not sustainable unless she is loving him in some area more than he is loving her. This could be in the bedroom, in the kitchen or simply the fact that she does not nag him. Sometimes it is the little things that make men fall head over heels.

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      • ” If a man loves a woman more than she loves him, it is not sustainable unless she is loving him in some area more than he is loving her”

        such as?

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        • The way I see it, If I m head over heels for a girl, I have a reason. Apart from the physical attraction, it is most likely she gives me a lot of sexual satisfaction, does not nag me, might know how to make a killer meal, has a wonderful smile, blends effortless into my circle of friends, is cool with me chilling with the boys and is intelligent and we have great conversations. In these ways, it is my opinion that she has balanced the scales of my “excessive” love. If you get what i mean, from the point of view of the man who is head over heels in love with a girl she has something that gives him a satisfaction equal to or greater than the love he is showing her hence from his point of view it is equal, once she ceases to be some of these things, he loses his interest.

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  3. 1. My days as a relationship idealist ended… a few hours ago.

    2. Millers Crossing is a waaaay underrated gangster flick.

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  4. “do you think think it’s true that the best relationships happen when men fall in love a little harder and a little faster than the woman they’re with?”

    Yes, and my explanation is quite simple. When it comes to romance, men (relative to women) have attention deficit disorder. In contrast, women have obsessive compulsive disorder.

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  5. False. No couple EVER loves each other equally. Ever. Forever, never. And, you’re speaking from the experiencing of leaving a relationship because you didn’t want to have to tell someone where you were going to be so I think that makes you a limited. That’s no slight. It’s the truth. The truth being, what do you really know about truly falling for someone and sticking around?

    During a relationship we all know that there are times where your love is strong as hell and then there are times where you’re like “I hate that bastid.” If WE have those feelings, ya best believe your partner has them to. Men aren’t alone in feeling that seesaw of emotion. Women do, too.

    So really, there’s no WAY for a man to always love a woman more because the feelings of love are cyclical in all relationships.

    That’s it.

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    • That’s beyond the scope of this discussion. That applies to people who have already made it to long term relationship stage. We’re talking about getting there in the first place.

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      • I’m pretty sure I saw relationship mentioned more than once in this blog post. And, the point was, a man is not going to like the woman more for 100 percent of the relationship. And, the relationship will never, ever be balanced in the form of love. And, also, people need to speak to more women to really know the truth of these theories cause this ish is so untrue.

        Yes, a man can grow on a woman because we are looking at things other than features. That means the mind is concluded. But the same could be said for MEN falling for women. A dude that finds Paris Hilton hot and pursues a relationship might back down once she starts talking.

        Who we want to phuck and who we want to date are vary for both men and women. And when a man is pursuing a woman he generally knows nothing about her other than her email, phone number and how she looks.

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        • To add to that, you can best believe during the dating process if the man is still in the “meh” category, then he is in the friend zone. He will on rare occasions become the bf be the boyfriend. (See my example below.) And when the relationship ends in less than a year the woman is wondering what grief she was going through to date old dude.

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      • Imma have to co-sign weethomas. She (edit girl) got 3 steps ahead of the actual topic here. I agree with the cyclical thing, but overall I still agree with Champ as far as the dating phase is concerned. If the woman likes/loves/is obsessed with the man more, 9/10 there will be No relationship, but there will be good ole convenient chex

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    • You cannot really call yourself “Editgirl” with all these dang grammatical errors! I’m just saying.

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      • I know. I feel bad when I go back and read myself. But, unfortunately the comments section doesn’t have the “edit” function.

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        • It wasn’t really well-played. It was an attempt to bait me and I didn’t swallow the hook. What’s the relevance of my name and the topic-at-hand? If you don’t get the gist of my posts, then you’re likely slow on the uptake. It’s very obvious that I’m writing and posting quickly so I call BS on the comment. It’s a great attempt at low-blow but I don’t play such games. Anywho, don’t try to stroke the embers.

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    • “False. No couple EVER loves each other equally. Ever. Forever, never.”

      i didn’t say, lol. just that it’s probably best if men fall in love first and harder, with the woman eventually “catching up.”

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      • Wouldn’t you have to presume that all men follow the scarcity theory of value? It may be natural to want what you can’t have more and value what you had to work hard for. BUT, some men have evolved past that thinking after crashing and burning trying to Win a woman who saw him as a simp to be used and cheated on.

        Maybe some men started to think with their big heads and realized value is value. Trying hard to get her doesn’t make her worth something. Maybe some men started to wait and see if she’s interested first before they put in the effort. Because all that pursuing seems like building a friend zone when other guys are getting it from women who clearly like them.

        May some men decided to find quality in women that actually show a decent amount of interest. And end up in good relationships. I married one of them.

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        • damn girl…that’s on point.
          it took gettin burned, for me not to ever want to waste the time money and effort chasing when all another dude has to do is flash his teeth and is able to crush it.

          chivalry isn’t dead…but it has to be earned

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        • “May some men decided to find quality in women that actually show a decent amount of interest. And end up in good relationships. I married one of them.”

          i didn’t say that the woman should possess no interest, just that the guy had a bit a little more interested at first.

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          • I think a lot of men nowadays aren’t willing to pay for a meal unless they know before hand that she likes him enough to get naked. And they will mentally devalue her beauty, or booty, so as not to go overboard on the courting.

            Simp fear is real on these streets. Men aren’t trying to chase. They’ve scrubbed that thinking out of their heads.and lonely women sit home on Saturday waiting for the few who still chase. I really dont think that leads to bad relationships, but I don’t have proof.

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            • WC,

              Speaking truths. I used to take women out on dinner for first dates but after realizing that I’m either not into them OR the dark lighting/beer goggles made her look completely different than that night at the club. I switched up the routine. Dinners are now reserved for third/fourth date.

              Like you said, by that point I’ve assessed whether or not I’m interested in putting forth the effort/money to get to the high stakes round. Also, after 2 or 3 dates, the guy should be able to tell whether or not she would be interested in letting him smash.

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                • I know right? I woke up all confused like I’m actually dreaming about WC and we’re in MATH CLASS!!?!?!?!?!

                  But we were quite excited about it for some reason.

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                  • My question is, was she like, a real person or animated like her avi?? If she was animated I bet that was really weird.

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                    • @Aly- right! That’s what I was wondering. Like was it the cartoon or do u actually know what she looks like?

                    • She was a REAL person! And I kept thinking, omg I can see your face! But I don’t think it’s what you look like in real life at all.

            • There are plenty of dudes out in the street talking about, “it ain’t tricking if you got it”. I don’t think you can apply a broad brush analysis to this one. Men in general are on a pursuit. And depending on what assets they have, they use different bait, different tactics, different approaches to win the woman they’re after.

              I’m sure there are dudes who have been burned before, so they’re not trying to take anyone out to eat or buy anything unless there’s general interest, but there are also dudes who realize, the dating culture has changed, and they don’t have to dangle the “take you out to a fine restaurant” bait to get what they’re after. And so they don’t.

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        • Most men have what I call Conqueror Syndrome. We want a challenge, and to some degree perhaps even need a challenge. Ultimately we pursue what we value.

          This simp-phobia you’re talking about is more related to “how” we pursue, not the prospect if we will pursue. Simp and Pimp alike will puruse, just with different tactics, and levels of intensity.

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        • Ok, so an Asian man told me the same thing this article professes to be true like 10 years ago, to marry a man that loves me more than I love him. I agreed until I read YOUR response. This is monumental! Thanks for saying EXACTLY this.

          The post essentially causes people to play games. You like who you like as much as you like them. Only dealing with men you feel “meh” about is not satisfying for either party. Finding 2 people who have mutual respect and love for each other is KEY and ultimately leads to the most satisfying relationships.

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      • You wrote that you heard this theory that “a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him” and have begun to believe it to be true. Now how is that just about the dating process? Also, since when were men or women in love during the getting to know you phase? It doesn’t matter if a man typically does the approaching, I don’t think it would be inaccurate to conclude that he approaches the woman before being in love. Who falls in love first during the courting process is another story. And, honestly, has anyone that has been in a relationship ever discussed with their partner who fell in love first?

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