Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Why It’s True That Men Need To Fall For Women A Bit Harder Than They Fall For Us

"I'm smiling now, but if you bite my neck again, this'll be the last time we have pier sex"

One of the best (and worst) things about being an adult is the occasional realization that certain things you never wanted to believe to be true are, in fact, true. On a macro level, these realizations are good because they help you grow and see the world for what it truly is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, however good this knowledge may ultimately be, it still stings a bit to learn that you believed some wrong-ass shit.

In the past few years or so I’ve had (at least) two such realizations. One was already touched on by Panama last week in “Is This What Growed Up Feels Like?” But, while P admitted feeling a little ashamed that he was a fan of such ignant rap, I feel no such shame. I’ve stopped trying to explain how the misogyny, nihilism, and overall misandry present in much of popular rap — even rap made by “conscious” artists — is just some sort of postmodern social commentary reflecting on the trails and tribulations of post-industrial inner city society and finally admitted to myself that I just happen to like some ignorant-ass, vulgar-ass, violent-ass music that’s ignorant, vulgar, and violent for no reason. I’m not sure what exactly that says about me, but it’s about time I stopped trying to believe that wasn’t true.

The second realization wasn’t as easy to accept. I was either at my friend’s aunt’s house or outside of a greyhound station bathroom (can’t remember which) when I first remember hearing that “a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him.”  In both instances, I was too busy making sure no improbably fast six-legged creatures crawled on my chicken to pay much attention to the phrase.

As the years passed, I began to hear it more and more, but it was never actually said with any type of sane explanation. A girl I dated in college once told me that her mom told her never to like a boy more than the boy likes her. When she asked her why, she apparently mumbled, shook her head, and said “because you don’t want to end up with the gout and worms like your grandmother, that’s why.”

Explanation or not, that sentiment just never really sat right with me. A relationship idealist, I believed that the best partnerships were formed when both parties fell in love simultaneously and loved each other equally. Plus, as a young man doing whatever the f*ck I needed to do to stay the hell away from any burgeoning relationship with “friend’s zone” potential, the idea that I need to be more into a woman than she was into me was an affront to my pride and the complete antithesis of everything I “learned” from the baseheads selling jumper cables outside of my barber shop through experience.

I don’t know exactly when or where I started to accept this sentiment as truth, but I do know today that it is undeniably, unequivocally, and uncomfortably true. Thing is, while (many) men seem to reject this sentiment because it seems to balance the dating and relationship scale in the woman’s favor, it’s actually necessary because that part of the game is already balanced in our favor. Us falling first and harder doesn’t do anything but even things out.

To wit, I’m assuming most of the thousands of men who will visit this blog today have been in at least one good relationship, and possibly more. I’m also going to assume that, in at least 50 percent of these relationships, the guy eventually “won” the woman over by “growing on” her. Basically, he was really feeling her, she was “eh” about him at first, but he eventually managed to somehow convince her that he was worth being with/sleeping with/swallowing, etc.

Now, if I were to ask how many of these men ended up happy with a woman that they were “eh” about at first until she convinced him that she was worth being with, I doubt I’d get many replies. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get any.

Because of certain sociological and biological factors largely out of our control, women aren’t really able to grow on men the same way we can grow on them, making it paramount that we (men) are the ones who show the most initial interest. Basically, while there’s a good chance that a good relationship can spring if a guy has grow on a chick, there’s absolutely no chance of it happening if the opposite occurs.

Also, another completely unscientific and unresearched theory to add to the rest of the completely unscientific and unresearched theories presented today is that men who aren’t head over hills about the woman they’re with are more likely to do things that “unsettled” men do — i.e., cheat, be non-committal, stay emotionally unavailable, etc.

Obviously, men in love do still do these things, but I just don’t think it happens as often as a man who doesn’t really feel like he put the time and effort into “winning” anybody. Just as women are more likely to value men who are wanted by other women but chose to pursue them, men are more likely to value the women they chose to attempt to win. It’s a truth I didn’t really want to admit, but I guess learning new shit is the best part about being a grown-up. (Actually, being able to drink moosetracks milkshakes for breakfast while sitting on your couch butt-naked and watching “Miller’s Crossing” without anyone saying a gotdamn thing is a pretty good part about being a grown-up, but that’s besides the point)

Anyway, people of VSB, do you think think it’s true that the best relationships happen when men fall in love a little harder and a little faster than the woman they’re with? (For some strange reason, I get the feeling that the responses will be split along gender lines. I may be wrong, though) 

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

    First!

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      Here’s your cookie. Enjoy!

      • Royale W. Cheese

        Girl, you fas’! ;)

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

      so happy for ma broda!!!! wooohoo!!!!!

      *pours palm wine*

    • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

      Yeah this does sound familiar somewhat. I think Champ is right in the sense that sure the relationship is better when the man loves more but that is from the woman’s perspective or the perspective of the rom-com definition of love many people are carrying around in their pockets. I theorize and believe, men love differently from women and hence measuring what is termed “equal” love, is near difficult. Our priorities are different. If a man loves a woman more than she loves him, it is not sustainable unless she is loving him in some area more than he is loving her. This could be in the bedroom, in the kitchen or simply the fact that she does not nag him. Sometimes it is the little things that make men fall head over heels.

      • JessicaL

        I agree with this.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ” If a man loves a woman more than she loves him, it is not sustainable unless she is loving him in some area more than he is loving her”

        such as?

        • Medium Meech

          I think he means that she’s OK with backdoor stuff. At least that’s how I read it.

        • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

          The way I see it, If I m head over heels for a girl, I have a reason. Apart from the physical attraction, it is most likely she gives me a lot of sexual satisfaction, does not nag me, might know how to make a killer meal, has a wonderful smile, blends effortless into my circle of friends, is cool with me chilling with the boys and is intelligent and we have great conversations. In these ways, it is my opinion that she has balanced the scales of my “excessive” love. If you get what i mean, from the point of view of the man who is head over heels in love with a girl she has something that gives him a satisfaction equal to or greater than the love he is showing her hence from his point of view it is equal, once she ceases to be some of these things, he loses his interest.

    • nillalatte

      This.. again? LOL…

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

    I feel like we’ve had this conversation before…

    • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

      Yeah, we did…and it recently. What is this the re-mix??

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Where’s Nicki Minaj?! I need my Harajuku Barbie fix! :)

        • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

          nah all remixes are required to feature 2 Chainz or the m m m m maybach music chick

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            The Maybach Music chick is Jessica Gomes, a Eurasian model from Australia. Mmmmmmmaybach Music!

    • kaname
      • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

        I thought so. Thank you Kaname.

        • Breezy

          Not only is the topic recycled but that darn picture is recycled too.

          VSB do better….we want to be entertained a fresh and new everyday please!

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

            Breeeezy Baby

            Tell em how you reallly realllly feel!!

            Hey girliiiiie!!

            • Breezy

              Hey Mami!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…amma need you to slow down on the name changes. I can’t keep up don’t you know some of us are middle aged…lol.

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                imma do dat for ya, hun but not without recommending the new Alzheimer drug in the market.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        lol, wow. i’ve done repeats before, but they were intentional. first time i’ve repeated a topic and had no idea it was being repeated.

        perhaps i should start eating real breakfasts instead of milkshakes

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Maybe we’ve both been here too long. lol

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          It’s that damn blood sugar spike then crash. Like I was telling a friend with a thing for eating red velvet cupcakes in the morning, that much of a sugar rush first thing in the morn isn’t a good thing.

        • Teresa

          I missed the other post. So thanks for posting again.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      LOL, yes, It’s so true, it needed to be said twice.

  • Jay

    1. My days as a relationship idealist ended… a few hours ago.

    2. Millers Crossing is a waaaay underrated gangster flick.

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

      @ ur #1 *e-hugs*

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        Thank you. It was a loooong slow death. I think the final nail is in the coffin though.

    • Eric McD

      Miller’s Crossing is the shiznit. I looked it up on Wiki and apparently it bombed when it came out. I just saw it for the first time a couple of years ago.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Miller’s Crossing is the shiznit. I looked it up on Wiki and apparently it bombed when it came out. I just saw it for the first time a couple of years ago.”

        yeah, i can see why. the coen brothers weren’t as known then as they are now, and, with a movie like miller’s crossing, how the hell would you even market it?

        • http://uphereoncloud9.wordpress.com The Fiendish Doctor Wu

          Marketing Miller’s Crossing was probably similar to Winter’s Bone. It’s hard to explain it in a minute long ad.

    • Aly

      There’s that face… now I can go to sleep a happy woman ;)

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        Too sweet you are.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

        @ Aly,

        really doe?!!?!?!

        • Justmetheguy

          Lmfao! I was wondering where locks of love was lol. We gon have to handle this Aly character. She pushed up on my lady last week, now she’s comin on to ur estranged lover. What do u suppose we do to nip this problem in the bud?

          • Aly

            Hehe… But Locks of Love said she doesn’t love Jay anymore!! And well, I kinda have a little e-crush (ok, a big one). AND I’m trying to step up my flirting game, sheesh! As far as MJoy, that seems to have fizzled out anyway so… *shrugs*

            • MJoy

              I was wondering why you were flirting with Jay. I get heart palpitations when anyone other than African Mami flirts with him! I can’t handle it.

              And no fizzle!!! I’m just super shy… with women ;)

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                thanks femboo for having ma back!!! :)

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

              errrrrm, Ally, Jay has been off the market.

              Read my name, LOCKS of LOVE=Jay. My avi’s, except for the cute toes, are still reminiscent of him. Ain’t nothing changed, but the space I afford him. As he was drowning and could barely swim in my love.

              While, I do have to say your flirting game ain’t bad (I believe in giving credit where due), practice your skills elsewhere.

              Sincerely,
              The artist formerly known as African Mami aka Mrs.Afrijay, now known as Locks of Love, still in love with Jay.

              • Aly

                It’s all in good fun…there’s sooo much flirting going on on this blog that more than a few people need to get rooms lol.

                • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                  Well then, about the room situation. Ya’ll might have to call an ambulance, because me and a locked man in one room will only mean 911!

              • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

                Ain’t nothing changed, but the space I afford him. As he was drowning and could barely swim in my love.

                LOL. Gotta love African Mami.

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

            @ jmtg,

            I’ve said my piece. Read the response.

            • b sweet

              Nothing makes a man more attractive than another woman wanting him. LoL, you’re love is elevating him, not drowning him, in my opinion!

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                I wish it was elevating him, sadly the response I get is never of elevation, rather tireration.

              • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

                Game recognize game. African Mami your affection never tires me. I’m not “off the market” though. Sh*t, in real life I’m just freshly BACK on the market.

                • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                  @ Jay,

                  Oh word @ back on the market! Hmmmmmmm….interesting, very.

                  Aly, I still disallow you to contact this man. I found him first.

                  • Aly

                    Lol! Gotta love a woman who goes after what she wants, I’m the SAME way *winks at Jay*

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                      oh really?! You berra google yourself Mau Mau, and get real familiar.

  • Royale W. Cheese

    “do you think think it’s true that the best relationships happen when men fall in love a little harder and a little faster than the woman they’re with?”

    Yes, and my explanation is quite simple. When it comes to romance, men (relative to women) have attention deficit disorder. In contrast, women have obsessive compulsive disorder.

    • http://www.hesaidthenshesaid.com MObetta

      Exactly.

      *drops mic for you*

    • http://challyshares.tumblr.com/ Nei Jae

      This…

    • nillalatte

      RWC… you win! ;)

    • https://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

      I’m just gonna take these gold star stickers that are supposed to be for my students and place one on your shirt.

      There you go.

      • Royale W. Cheese

        Thank you kindly. It’s the little things that brighten my day. :)

        • DMichelle

          OMG that is so freakin’ true!!

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      “Yes, and my explanation is quite simple. When it comes to romance, men (relative to women) have attention deficit disorder. In contrast, women have obsessive compulsive disorder.”

      But here’s the thing, Royale- it’s…it’s…aw f*ck it, I got nothing.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Yes, and my explanation is quite simple. When it comes to romance, men (relative to women) have attention deficit disorder. In contrast, women have obsessive compulsive disorder.”

      way to sum up a 1000 word post in 15 words.

      • Melekaj

        Can I “like” this? That’s exactly what relationships are built on- disorders.

        • MJoy

          This blog does need a “like it” button.

    • Ms Quita

      EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      I’m in tears!!!! Lmao
      Men = ADD & Women = OCD

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      Boom. shakalaka.

    • Medium Meech

      Well actually… yeah you right. True indeed.

      • Royale W. Cheese

        Medium Meech agreed with my point. This feels better than posting first.

    • Nerd Girl

      Boom. Done.

    • MJoy

      welp, that’s all folks.

    • DQ

      Let the church say Amen.

      • Breezy

        Amen!

      • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

        AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

      • YeahSo

        AMEN!!!!!!!!

    • http://brotherjamestastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

      …I’ve been trying to “like” your comment for the past 5 minutes.

      *slow clap*

  • Editgirl

    False. No couple EVER loves each other equally. Ever. Forever, never. And, you’re speaking from the experiencing of leaving a relationship because you didn’t want to have to tell someone where you were going to be so I think that makes you a limited. That’s no slight. It’s the truth. The truth being, what do you really know about truly falling for someone and sticking around?

    During a relationship we all know that there are times where your love is strong as hell and then there are times where you’re like “I hate that bastid.” If WE have those feelings, ya best believe your partner has them to. Men aren’t alone in feeling that seesaw of emotion. Women do, too.

    So really, there’s no WAY for a man to always love a woman more because the feelings of love are cyclical in all relationships.

    That’s it.

    • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com weethomas

      That’s beyond the scope of this discussion. That applies to people who have already made it to long term relationship stage. We’re talking about getting there in the first place.

      • Editgirl

        I’m pretty sure I saw relationship mentioned more than once in this blog post. And, the point was, a man is not going to like the woman more for 100 percent of the relationship. And, the relationship will never, ever be balanced in the form of love. And, also, people need to speak to more women to really know the truth of these theories cause this ish is so untrue.

        Yes, a man can grow on a woman because we are looking at things other than features. That means the mind is concluded. But the same could be said for MEN falling for women. A dude that finds Paris Hilton hot and pursues a relationship might back down once she starts talking.

        Who we want to phuck and who we want to date are vary for both men and women. And when a man is pursuing a woman he generally knows nothing about her other than her email, phone number and how she looks.

        • Editgirl

          To add to that, you can best believe during the dating process if the man is still in the “meh” category, then he is in the friend zone. He will on rare occasions become the bf be the boyfriend. (See my example below.) And when the relationship ends in less than a year the woman is wondering what grief she was going through to date old dude.

      • Justmetheguy

        Imma have to co-sign weethomas. She (edit girl) got 3 steps ahead of the actual topic here. I agree with the cyclical thing, but overall I still agree with Champ as far as the dating phase is concerned. If the woman likes/loves/is obsessed with the man more, 9/10 there will be No relationship, but there will be good ole convenient chex

        • demondog06

          +14

    • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

      I agree with this theory of things being cyclical.

    • OutrageousFlair

      You cannot really call yourself “Editgirl” with all these dang grammatical errors! I’m just saying.

      • Editgirl

        I know. I feel bad when I go back and read myself. But, unfortunately the comments section doesn’t have the “edit” function.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        LMAO! I like how you softened it with a quick IJS. Well played.

        • Editgirl

          It wasn’t really well-played. It was an attempt to bait me and I didn’t swallow the hook. What’s the relevance of my name and the topic-at-hand? If you don’t get the gist of my posts, then you’re likely slow on the uptake. It’s very obvious that I’m writing and posting quickly so I call BS on the comment. It’s a great attempt at low-blow but I don’t play such games. Anywho, don’t try to stroke the embers.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “False. No couple EVER loves each other equally. Ever. Forever, never.”

      i didn’t say, lol. just that it’s probably best if men fall in love first and harder, with the woman eventually “catching up.”

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Wouldn’t you have to presume that all men follow the scarcity theory of value? It may be natural to want what you can’t have more and value what you had to work hard for. BUT, some men have evolved past that thinking after crashing and burning trying to Win a woman who saw him as a simp to be used and cheated on.

        Maybe some men started to think with their big heads and realized value is value. Trying hard to get her doesn’t make her worth something. Maybe some men started to wait and see if she’s interested first before they put in the effort. Because all that pursuing seems like building a friend zone when other guys are getting it from women who clearly like them.

        May some men decided to find quality in women that actually show a decent amount of interest. And end up in good relationships. I married one of them.

        • demondog06

          damn girl…that’s on point.
          it took gettin burned, for me not to ever want to waste the time money and effort chasing when all another dude has to do is flash his teeth and is able to crush it.

          chivalry isn’t dead…but it has to be earned

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “May some men decided to find quality in women that actually show a decent amount of interest. And end up in good relationships. I married one of them.”

          i didn’t say that the woman should possess no interest, just that the guy had a bit a little more interested at first.

          • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            I think a lot of men nowadays aren’t willing to pay for a meal unless they know before hand that she likes him enough to get naked. And they will mentally devalue her beauty, or booty, so as not to go overboard on the courting.

            Simp fear is real on these streets. Men aren’t trying to chase. They’ve scrubbed that thinking out of their heads.and lonely women sit home on Saturday waiting for the few who still chase. I really dont think that leads to bad relationships, but I don’t have proof.

            • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

              LOL @ simp fear. Simpaphobia.

            • demondog06

              “Simp fear is real on these streets”
              Quote of the day…..

              • Kema

                Agree!

            • Jerm

              WC,

              Speaking truths. I used to take women out on dinner for first dates but after realizing that I’m either not into them OR the dark lighting/beer goggles made her look completely different than that night at the club. I switched up the routine. Dinners are now reserved for third/fourth date.

              Like you said, by that point I’ve assessed whether or not I’m interested in putting forth the effort/money to get to the high stakes round. Also, after 2 or 3 dates, the guy should be able to tell whether or not she would be interested in letting him smash.

            • MJoy

              WC I had a dream about you last night! We were in a math class not worrying about men, getting our learn on!

              • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                Well that dream would be fantasy world. Cause I don’t like math and I’m not good at it. But figuring men out is an endlessly fascinating journey. :-P

                • MJoy

                  I know right? I woke up all confused like I’m actually dreaming about WC and we’re in MATH CLASS!!?!?!?!?!

                  But we were quite excited about it for some reason.

                  • Aly

                    My question is, was she like, a real person or animated like her avi?? If she was animated I bet that was really weird.

                    • Justmetheguy

                      @Aly- right! That’s what I was wondering. Like was it the cartoon or do u actually know what she looks like?

                    • MJoy

                      She was a REAL person! And I kept thinking, omg I can see your face! But I don’t think it’s what you look like in real life at all.

            • DQ

              There are plenty of dudes out in the street talking about, “it ain’t tricking if you got it”. I don’t think you can apply a broad brush analysis to this one. Men in general are on a pursuit. And depending on what assets they have, they use different bait, different tactics, different approaches to win the woman they’re after.

              I’m sure there are dudes who have been burned before, so they’re not trying to take anyone out to eat or buy anything unless there’s general interest, but there are also dudes who realize, the dating culture has changed, and they don’t have to dangle the “take you out to a fine restaurant” bait to get what they’re after. And so they don’t.

        • DQ

          Most men have what I call Conqueror Syndrome. We want a challenge, and to some degree perhaps even need a challenge. Ultimately we pursue what we value.

          This simp-phobia you’re talking about is more related to “how” we pursue, not the prospect if we will pursue. Simp and Pimp alike will puruse, just with different tactics, and levels of intensity.

        • http://30thoughts.com 30thoughts

          Ok, so an Asian man told me the same thing this article professes to be true like 10 years ago, to marry a man that loves me more than I love him. I agreed until I read YOUR response. This is monumental! Thanks for saying EXACTLY this.

          The post essentially causes people to play games. You like who you like as much as you like them. Only dealing with men you feel “meh” about is not satisfying for either party. Finding 2 people who have mutual respect and love for each other is KEY and ultimately leads to the most satisfying relationships.

      • Editgirl

        You wrote that you heard this theory that “a man should love his wife a bit more than she loves him” and have begun to believe it to be true. Now how is that just about the dating process? Also, since when were men or women in love during the getting to know you phase? It doesn’t matter if a man typically does the approaching, I don’t think it would be inaccurate to conclude that he approaches the woman before being in love. Who falls in love first during the courting process is another story. And, honestly, has anyone that has been in a relationship ever discussed with their partner who fell in love first?

  • Marshal

    You right about everything in this post. I thin that’s why the concept of “Tradition” comes form to explain aspects of Relationships- Chilvary, Proposing/Engagements, Weddings, etc. The resistance to Same Sex Equality is prime example to this reasoning, in a way.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      I never thought of it that way. That’s an excellent point. That certain roles have to be consciously thought out in same sex relationships they want they aren’t in hetero relationships is both a potential source of conflict within the relationship and freaks people out on the outside that Everything Is Wrong. Doesn’t change my support, but it adds an interesting perspective.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “That certain roles have to be consciously thought out in same sex relationships they want they aren’t in hetero relationships is both a potential source of conflict within the relationship and freaks people out on the outside that Everything Is Wrong”

        hmmm, i see what you are both getting at, but i don’t think many straight people care about the specific roles gay people take on within their relationships

        • demondog06

          +13

        • DQ

          Agreed.

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        “they want” = “the way” . Damn we need an edit function!

  • Aminah

    I agree. However, if the relationship is rooted in love it doesn’t stay that way. I’ve been married for 14 years & in the beginning he loved me more. As time went on I loved him more & desired to make him just as happy as he does me. We’re constantly in competition to one up the other & it’s still fun.

    • Aly

      Now THIS is what love is supposed to be like…trying to one up each other. Nice story.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        I’ve come to the conclusion that the bad news for all us is that the songs, stories, poetry, and movies that we’ve always read are true: LOVE IS RARE. A lot rarer than people would like to think. Everybody wants to think that it will happen to them. That they will find the right person and it will work out. Sometimes it does, most times it doesn’t. I’ve been around quite a few couples that have been together for years and even then… I don’t see love. Its usually just some mixture of responsibility, comfort, and tolerance. I honestly don’t think that 10% of humans on earth ever find REAL love, maybe less. I know that love is subjective so I guess I mean what I would call real love.

        • Aly

          *sigh* Sadly, I think you’re right which makes me…well, sad. That’s why it’s so important though to treasure love when you’re lucky enough to find it.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

            Yeah, and you do have to be lucky. Like “Lotto” lucky.

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

              Jay,

              Love has different degrees. The one it seems you are looking for is the ride or die kinda love, which is very rare! Extra rare. Otherwise, the other kinds are pretty much available on the market.

              • BlueWave

                Not only does love have different degrees, it looks different at various stages of maturity. A middle aged couple that has been married for 20 years will not behave like giggly teenagers. And they shouldn’t. As someone who has been married for almost ten years I know for a fact that love is dynamic. It changes. It matures with time. It is unrealistic to think one is going to constantly burn with passion for another person. It ebbs and flows like everything else in life.

                The real problem is we often don’t understand the complexity of love. Our love notions are sometimes very elementary.

                • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                  You hit the nail on the head with the elementary alludement. (It ain’t a word, and no I am not adjourning my azz).

              • Justmetheguy

                +1 @ Locks of Love- Exacty! He’s talkin about unconditional (ie “I’d NEVER divorce u”) type love. I ain’t even lookin for all that. Im a realist. I see beauty in a lot of different ppl and I realize that it’s highly unlikely that they’ll love me unconditionally on the level Jay is talkin about. I’m cool with that tho, I got family and sh*t lol. Glad to see the artist formerly known as African Mami contributing to the conversation fa real for once lmao!

                • MJoy

                  I would love you like that.

                • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                  @jmtg,

                  watchumean I’m contributing to the conversation for real?! All my contributions are REAL. Even when I used to love Jay, they were the most realest, I’ll ever have on VSB!!! you trippin homie!!

                  • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

                    Love, I think that JMTG means that you’re posting a serious response as opposed to what you call “foolishness”. Its good to hear what you REALLY think. Makes us feel like we know you a little more.

                    • MJoy

                      did he say love?

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                    @ femboo,

                    he did. BUT I can’t take it as anything, but just a nicety! ya diiiig!

                    @ Jay,

                    I hear you. I know that’s what he meant, I’m just extra wid it ;)

        • SheWhoMustBeObeyed

          Perhaps, love is just that – A mixture of responsibility, comfort and tolerance?? What is love? When we look for love, do we even know how to keep an eye out for the right signs? I’m not sure.

          • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

            “Perhaps, love is just that – A mixture of responsibility, comfort and tolerance??”

            Wrong! Sex, lies and videotape, LMAO!!! I’m playing…

            • Breezy

              LMBO @ PA

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

            my dear,

            Love to me is fufu and egusi stew coming together and my taste buds exploding.

            • MJoy

              remember when Godfrey showed that woman the “right way to eat fufu” in Phat Girlz?

              mmmm, anyway.

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              omg I need to learn to make fufu and egusi stew. for myself. for my FWB. for myself mostly lmbo

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                my wife, my darling.

                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8C0aSwQ5k0 ———.>fufu making

                • A Woman’s Eyes

                  omg thank you! Thank you! xoxoxoxxxxxx

                  You see that man’s face? He looks so happy because he’s had fufu.

                  *sighs dreamily about learning how to make fufu*

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

                    it’s very easy to make dear. ask your fwb to guide you…..

        • Editgirl

          The good thing is that what you see isn’t always what you get. The only people that know the structure of a relationship are the two parties involved. I think it’s highly risky to assume that two people aren’t in love because “you don’t see it.” Do you know how they define love or what they need to feel love? I think this argument only makes sense if it is directly stated to you.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I’ve come to the conclusion that the bad news for all us is that the songs, stories, poetry, and movies that we’ve always read are true: LOVE IS RARE. ”

          i think the type of all-encompassing love found in shit like “the notebook” is rare. but, love itself isn’t

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          Jay I think people want love to mean the person belongs to them and makes them their whole world.

          I’ve been loved many times and I’ve loved many times. Yet I always knew love isn’t ownership. How can I love anyone who isn’t free? That’s not love. It’s obligation, duty. gratitude.

          And it’s always best that he loves her more because men are selfish. For a man to love a woman he’s chosen to let go of his innate instinct to put himself first.

        • demondog06

          that sounds pessimistic but for many it rings true, and the older you get the more that realization sets in.
          i’m at that age where my commrades are starting to settle down with chicks who for the most part are decent but you can tell it’s more out of convience or familarity.

          it would seem that the most pure realtionships may only happen 1nce a lifetime if that even.
          they are the most fleeting…
          intense, passionate but……
          brief…
          and rare….
          heroine addicts have a term call chasing the dragon…you spend your whole life trynna recapture that first high…but it’s an elusive mutha

        • Royale W. Cheese

          You’re even luckier if you’re able to marry the person you are in love with. Love isn’t always on time. No Foreigner.

        • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

          It is not love that is rare, It’s loving the right person. The problem comes with the choice we make. Most relationships start out with a selfish intent. You trying to get what you need at that time regardless if the other side is also in sync with you.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

            It is not love that is rare, It’s loving the right person.

            I disagree with this because I tend to believe the notion that “the heart wants what the heart wants”… Even if what it wants isn’t good for it. What everyone is saying is true, there are other types of “love”, we all have our own way of framing love so my point is more of a personal view than anything else. I can’t define love for anyone else, not even if that person is my significant other. I guess REAL, true, sincere emotion and passion is part of what communicates love to me.

    • Eric McD

      That’s actually pretty cute.

  • Editgirl

    As a woman, it’s unclear to me if women that have to be “won over by men” feel those men are anything more than worthy of being dated cyclically. In my experience, all the woman I know that were “eh” about a man and ended up dating him later pretty much leave the relationship wondering, why the heck did I ever date that negro? Like, seriously. I have had friends tell me “I must have been going through some things when I dated him because I don’t even find him remotely attractive.” I think men highly exaggerate their ability to win people over. Yeah you got the girl briefly. But, did she love him? Was she is ride or die? Doubt it.

    • Aly

      This is true. Does she really love you or did you just wear her down? Not a good start to a relationship in my opinion.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i mean, the woman has to feel something for him for whatever it is she feels for him to grow. you can’t grow a plant if no seeds are there. but, since the optimum relationship begins with a guy approaching, convincing her to go out with him, and convincing her to enter a relationship with him, these things work better if the guy is feeling the woman before she’s feeling him

      • Editgirl

        Man logic based on ego. For a man it’s hard to believe that love is not reciprocated. The assumption is that if they’re in love, then the woman also has to be in love. A woman knows this not to be true because at many points in her life there will be a “friend zone” dude that didn’t make the cut.

        In my experience there are women that enter into a “safe” relationship with someone because they have dated the player, the cheat or the abusive boyfriend. They are ready to settle down and a nice bloke comes along and they try their hardest to like him because he treats them well. They fall into a relationship of one-sided chemistry and only share with their best-girlfriends the nuggets that demonstrate they’re not in love. They never say “I’m madly in love” at any point in the relationship but use code words like “he treats me well.” (Yes, a man should treat you well but not being a jerk isn’t why you should remain in a relationship.) She’ll rarely have the desire to have sex because she’s not that drawn to him. Don’t get me wrong, he could be an attractive guy but he’s not that guy to her.

        I think men have a hard time believing that women are as complicated as they can be. In cases I have seen they assume everyone woman they ever loved has loved them in return. Otherwise, well, “how could I have loved her if she didn’t love me.” Oomph. So much life to lead.

        • MJoy

          I don’t think Champ is saying if a man loves a woman she automatically loves him back. He is acknowledging that the woman has to like the guy. I’ve been trying to disagree with the post because it makes it sound like women settle and if they go for the guy they REALLY want, he probably won’t want her back or he’ll just see that she’s so obsessed, get a big head (well, two big heads), and simply use her.

          But, I’m thinking back on my relationships. There’s only been one that involved my completely obsession over this guy, being madly in love, and him feeling the exact same way about me. Usually, I like the guy, could see myself with the guy but I’m not doodling his name everywhere and praying to Jesus every night for him to appear in my bed. When I get to this point with a man… it usually never happens and I love from afar. But if I LIKE the guy and he is REALLY REALLY into me… well, that’s usually where a relationship begins. Women don’t have to reach that obsessive point because the guys already into her… no need to pray for a man to land in your bed/arms…. when he’s already there. Then the like you have for him turns into love and grows and evolves from there. A man, if he’s not kray kray obsessed in the beginning is not going to be with you b/c men usually fight the attraction to the woman he’s REALLY feeling anyway. They don’t want relationships so they have to really be feeling it to go there.

          Women are extremely complex, but this post is on point, imo.

          But let me just say… JMTG and I love each other equally and will forever and ever and ever!!!! :)

          • Justmetheguy

            Indeed. We’re the exception that proves the rule ;) When u make such eloquent, insightful, and accurate posts u leave me no choice but to love u as equally.
            I kinda don’t have anything else to say considering how she articulated EVERYTHING that needed to be said on this topic….

            • MJoy

              *muah* *muah* *muah* *muah*

  • Step_AI

    Agreed. One thing I always questioned (and you gave me the answer…so thanks) is why is it when I would be attracted to a guy it wouldn’t go anywhere, but when a guy liked me we ended up in a relationship…bothered the shit out of me but happy some of them did grow on me.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      lol, being attracted isn’t a bad thing. just being much more attracted to him than he is to you

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

    Possibly. In my case, it has always worked to my advantage. So yes, as it relates to me. Although, ya’ll I got to say, I just finished skyping with this wonderful, good spirited, meets all my requirements and qualities man, one problem, though he is a Flavor Flave clone. Furthermore, he wants me as his wife. We cannot be seen in public together, no way no how. By the way I LOVE pretty ugly swag, but when the ugly done crossed over to fugly, it’s time, I took it to the Calvary where Jesus paid for it all. He is going to carry that guilt for me, of not admitting why I am hesitant to pursue a relationship-boy you fugly. Oh shiiid.

    • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Farouk

      Lol @ Flavor Flav Clone. Girl stop playing and get with the Prince of Zamunda protection programme.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

        Zamunda ke, this is a rotten FUFU case!:(

    • http://godmenandmoney.com CK @ godmenandmoney.com

      girlll….lmaoooo

      i cried really big, fat tears….as I glanced up to calvary.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

        Calvary is where it’s at ma!! :)

    • MJoy

      femboo!!!!! This is happening to me! (Well, not really b/c I’m sworn devotedly to you know who… who is all kinds of fine) but anyway!

      I have a neighbor who is in loooooove with me, wants me to be wife, is great with my kids, super caring, romantic, all a that, but brotha man looks like Flava Flav’s ugly cousin (worse than Flava Flav) and I just CAN NOT do it, no matter how wonderful he is otherwise.

      This is why the girl has to like the guy somewhat and I’m sorry, the face has to be on point (in whatever way works for you). You have to be attracted to the guy or else your azz IS just settling.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

        my fembooo! how I luuuuuuuuwee thee….girl I hear ya, loud and clear!!

        I can’t even stand him touching me, even if its a handshake!!! Like he is just so eeeeweeed the fug out. The one thing that pains me, is he keeps asking me repeatedly why I am so withdrawn. Every time he asks me this,iDIE 10,000 times over. He doesn’t get it, that his fugly won’t allow me to see past any of his goodness.

        There was this once we went out for diner, lawwwwwd I was so embarrassed, not only was he fugly but had no etiquette to match. I was transported back to a safari I took, where lions were eating. Savage! It was a sea food restaurant, and he had settled for lobsters, clams, basically the whole nine yards. JESUS wept!!! I actually caught a tear or two from Him upstairs.

        Girrrrrrl, he didn’t even know how to use the lobster cracker!! He was doing it African style with his hands!!! The meat kept flying all over the place!!!! So I lovingly showed him how to use it, and world war III erupted. Brother man told me that, he felt that I was feeling embarrassed with his eating habits!-DAMN RIGHT!!! I was. I didn’t say anything. I am not too good with public confrontations, so I let that shiiiid slide. Oooowww Jesus, he was gobbling down the drinks. OUCH.

        Thankfully, I had chosen a VERY secluded SPOT, where I was guaranteed no one would see us. I couldn’t afford to be seen with him by other African sistas for I did not know what answer I would have given them in regards to the atrocity that is this dude.

        All in all, besides from that GLARING issue, we have great conversation. I’ve hinted to him, not stated explicitly as he is Aubrey Graham soft, that there are many fishes in the sea. This one can’t won’t swim for him!

        • MJoy

          Oh my goodness, ALL OF THIS! I have no idea what to say when he keeps asking, “Why don’t you want to go there with me?”

          I can’t just say you’re fugly as all h*ll!!!!!

          I need JMTG to wife me up officially so I can just say I’m taken without lying… maybe I’ll say it anyway.

          • Justmetheguy

            Don’t worry I’ll handle the situation next month…

            • MJoy

              aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

              I Love You.

            • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Locks of Love

              uh oh!!! dat’s what I like to hear!!!!!!