Theory & Essay

Why God Gives Men Daughters

photo(2)Despite the fact that its genetically pre-determined, I’m fairly certain that God or whoever you pray to or holla at when the chips are down has a sense of humor. People say that often, but really, I think God likes to laugh. And watch his creations squirm.

To quote The Devil’s Advocate:

“Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition.”

Now whether or not you believe that – I’m inclined to believe that there is some truth there – the fact is God knows who to give daughters to. I am one of those people. See, while I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in my life attempting to be a man’s man – thug lifin’ it all up and thru these streets…my kid comes along and undoes all my gangsta. And quite easily. Now, I’m sure all parents go through this. You stop paying attention when its your kid. You’ll make the funny faces and put on mismatch clothing because it makes your kid happy. These are normal and common occurrences in probably 85 percent of functional households.

Theeeeeeeeeeen there’s this other stuff. See, ninjas like myself are perspective driven. I’m always looking for the perspective in things and looking for new ways to view the world. Not to mention how much time I spend analyzing all of it. Even if it doesn’t require analysis, I’m out here in these streets having full scale discussions about the most asinine things on the planet. Don’t even get me started on the man vs woman dynamic. Because see, to me, it all seems so simple.

I respect the fact that men and women are just different. To quote my boy, men want to find logic in emotion, and women want us to find the emotional component to our logic. This is the way God set things up. It was written. And that’s all well and good….

…until, as a man, you have a daughter. And you think like I do.

Real talk, it’s both the greatest and most confounding gift ever. It softens your eyes a bit (a net positive for many men) but it also forces you to confront nearly every strong opinion, observation, and truth you’ve discerned over the years.

You want a for instance don’t you? Of course you do.

For instance (and this is just one for instance), as the logical and nuanced ninja that I am, I’ve come to realize that while every woman is a snowflake, a significant portion of the actions of women are both predictable and trend towards the mean. That’s not a shot. It’s a fact. Men are the same way. Hell, it’s why we can create websites and write books, etc. Truth is truth. Peoples is peoples. But we spend a lot of time pointing this fact out. I know. It’s annoying. Sue us.

Or don’t. I haz broke. The reason it annoys so many women is because quite clearly, all women are special. It’s part of the reason why so many women, on an individual basis, have trouble comprehending why men just won’t act right. How could a woman as special and wonderful as her NOT be treated like the queen she both knows she is and has been told that she is.

Well, as the father of a beautiful baby girl, I COMPLETELY get this. Hell, I tell my daughter how wonderful and special she is. Daily. And she’s 4. And I will continue to do so forever. And when some man undoubtedly does her grimey, I will tell her that it’s because he’s just a douche (I’ll be right) and that she can and will do better because she is special. I hope to eventually tell her that she shouldn’t expect any man to stop being a man just because she exists or to expect him to realize upon meeting her that he can’t and won’t do better. It will be nice, but temper those expectations. My hope is that I remember to impart those lessons as well. Because they’re the most valuable.

But it’s my baby. It’s my darling. It’s my personal little best friend and buddy. I will fight the air if you do my baby wrong. And I’ll play Princess and Playdoh. Not because I want to, but because it’s fun for her and really, it turns out its fun for me too.

Through my daughter I’ve had the pleasure of re-examining all sorts of interesting things about lots of facets of myself. From the music I’m listening to, to my own worldview which admittedly has needed some tweaking, and HOW I think about issues relating to women. Not because it’s so wrong. Wrong or right is for upper management to determine, but because it’s lacked some of the perspective necessary to view things from the vantage point of a more compassionate bunch. And basically, because some thinking does need to be re-examined.

While she’s obviously still too young to directly impact my worldview, her existence and having the pleasure of being apart of her growth as a person has forced me to set aside a lot of my own views on what makes me a man and where I should draw the line.

Maybe I needed that because the whole man’s man thing only works if you don’t have to raise a little girl who will become a woman. Which…well is my job. While I’ve spent all this time doing my thing on some rah rah I’ll slap you just for living, now my kid loves planes so I love planes too. You can’t be out robbing people when your kid squeals because she sees a plane and you look up, smile and say awwww…that’s a plane.

She borrowed my gangsta, then sold it on EBay. And now I’m out here defenseless in these streets like I’m coming in this game on some modeling sh*t. Or like this. No really, like that.

God gave me a daughter because I needed one. And that’s alright.

-VSB P aka THE FIREMAN aka MR. AWWWWW POOKIE POO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRLLLLLLLL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • nillalatte

    I’m almost always amazed when guys that have been total ho’s and thugs change dramatically when they have a little girl. The thugs go soft and shyt and the ho’s put a chastity belt on their daughter’s. LOL

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      all thugs have that soft spot anyway…find one thug that don’t love them some grandma

      • http://TalentedGeneration.com Raine Lali Gabrielle

        Been a while since I checked in at VSB, but I’m glad I stopped by today. This post sounds like everything my pops told me about how I changed his life. My brother was 6 years before me, and while my brother changed him in some ways it was my birth that he says really changed how he looked at different things. He told me people noticed and would joke on him because of it. No matter how thuggish he thought he was, when I wanted to play teatime or play with Playdoh he took off all the thuggish armour and became the best teatime guest and Playdoh molder in the land.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yeah…I mean I’ll still go out and shank a fool. But I will definitely do tea-time first.

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            To the Queen!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        Yeah…Grandma’s are the cornerstone of a thug’s existence.

    • curlygirl

      Yeah, I have a cousin who was the biggest player/hoe and he has 4 pretty daughters and they’ve all started “developing” in the last few years. I’m enjoying the karma. His hair has gone almost completely gray at the ripe old age of 34 and it’s hilarious. It’s hard hearing dudes in the neighborhood talking about your baby girl having a fatty. lol

      • Tx10inch

        This would give me a stroke.

        • Wild Cougar

          I don’t think I will ever get the fundamental reason men have such fear of a daughter’s s.exuality. If you assume her exercising her freedom in a safe way, what’s the problem? I don’t think its the bad consequences men fear, but the actual exercise of the freedom. I really don’t get that

          • SweetSass

            It’s called objectification. And you full well understand, lol. WC and her rhetorical questions. I like it.

            • Wild Cougar

              no, actually, I don’t understand. I get objectification. I don’t get the fear of female s.exuality

              • Wild Cougar

                like, as an autonomous person. Not an object

              • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                i think female sexuality is the a powerful force. it is the force that brings life into this world. that force is potent, and potency is frightening to the weak of spirit, mind, body, and heart.

                to be totally honest, it frightens me too. not for it in and of itself but for the way it makes me vulnerable to it.

              • A Woman’s Eyes

                You’re forgetting the fear of pregnancy and having to deal with some snot nosed teenage boy father being around the house as a result.

  • That Ugly Kid

    Well written post. Although I’m pretty sure a very similar post to this one was written last year (I think it was related to Nas’s “Daughters” song/video).

    I’ve read quite a few blog posts from men lamenting how having a daughter has changed their lives (for the better) and how they’ve come to be more open to seeing things from a female perspective. Stories like those, which reflect growth, are always nice to read.

    Though, I’ve never (and I mean E.V.E.R.) read anything from a female stating how her opinion/perspective about men changed due to having a son. Oh sure, they’ll talk about how cute he is as a baby. How she loves him, etc. But I’ve never seen a female show any sort of growth, as it pertains to views concerning the opposite sex, after having a son.

    I find that extremely intriguing.

    • nillalatte

      “I’ve never (and I mean E.V.E.R.) read anything from a female stating how her opinion/perspective about men changed due to having a son.”

      Whoa… hold up and wait a minute. I actually did write something like that a while back because of my son. He changed me. Of course, he did. I don’t talk trash about men nearly as much IRL, if ever, especially around him. I think I’ve changed.

      But, here’s the caveat, that’s my son. He’s my blood. I’m gonna go all out for him like I would for no other man with the exception of my father. Men in general, nah, I ain’t gonna give and do for them unless they mean something to me — and you guys are the same exact way, and I’ll tell you how you know that, even PJ said it… he will be there for his baby mama over another woman because that’s his child’s mother. That’s the way it should be if it can be — for the sake of the child.

      • That Ugly Kid

        “Whoa… hold up and wait a minute. I actually did write something like that a while back because of my son.”

        Don’t remember. And even if you did, I didn’t see it, and it still doesn’t change the fact that while I see scores of men talk about how their interactions/opinions of women have been altered (again, for the better) after having a daughter, I never see women having a son come to this same epiphany (pertaining to men).

        • LMNOP

          Might just be what you’re reading. Most of what I read on parenting is written by women, but that might just be because I am one so its easy to relate.

          • Rewind

            He’s not talking about parenting. He’s regarding the remarkable change men emphasis they are going through due having a daughter. However, the difference may be that men are assumed to live a life of emotionless purpose, doing what we please and caring little for the consequences, but then having a daughter halts all that senseless activity and inspires them to realize the things they’ve done and what can be done to their daughter in turn.

            You don’t see woman making that same extraordinary leap in change for having sons often unless she’s a person that had a traumatic or very unique life in regards to men.

    • Malik

      why do you think that is?

      • That Ugly Kid

        Have no clue, honestly. It’s just something I’ve noticed over the years.

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

          my guess is cause women been raising men since their first boyfriends

          • Rewind

            Score.

          • Eps

            Damn. That was boss right there.

      • au napptural

        It’s not that women don’t have stuff to change. It’s just our stuff doesn’t involve objectifying, using, and otherwise mistreating someone on the basis of gender alone. Keeping it 100 over here. These men out here who run over women, talmubout “these h@es ain’t sh!t”, run, lie, hide, etc. The reason men change all by themselves is b/c when they have a daughter they realize what they were doing is both wrong and hurtful.

        Whereas if a woman has a son her life will change, but having a son will not make her stop falling for bad dudes. Which is where most women who have problems with men go wrong. It’s all in the choosing and no amount of having sons will help you with that.

      • Wild Cougar

        Its because we have been taught from the time we are young girls, to see things through your perspective. Men never feel like they have to do that, they can go on thinking of themselves as autonomous actors and women as objects. Its like black people who have to look at the white perspective 24/7, but many white people have no clue what life is like for us.

        • Pam

          Yes, WC, I was just thinking that. Agreed 100%.

    • AfroPetite

      I don’t believe there is this natural instinct to shield sons from the world. Little girls are these delicate flowers that you don’t want sullied. The general consensus on boys is that “they’ll be boys”.

      • That Ugly Kid

        But I’m not talking about people perceive children. I’m talking about the effect children have on their parents. While men seem to grow, for the better, after having a daughter. Women don’t seem to grow at all after having a son. Their opinions/approach towards men remain unchanged.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

          I think women experience what PJ is talking about whether they have a boy or a girl.

          • That Ugly Kid

            Of course women’s whole world is changed upon having a child. I’m not talking about what PJ was talking about in general. I’m specifically talking about a singular point he brought up. And that is the treatment of/willingness to understand the opposite sex after having a child of the opposite sex.

            It is this singular notion in which I’m addressing. While men, like PJ talk about changes in the way they view women, I’ve NEVER seen women mention the same thing about men (though I got a feeling that’s going to change on VSB, because we have nothing but unicorns on here). About how they’ve come to sympathize with some of the things men are (unfairly) chastised for, etc.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

              Well, that could be because men are many times socialized to view women with disdain and women aren’t usually socialized that way. So a cathartic event like having a son really isn’t needed for women to reevaluate their view of men, no reevaluation is usually needed.

              • That Ugly Kid

                So pretty much, men need daughters because we are all bad, evil misogynists from infancy through adulthood, which is remedied by having a daughter. Meanwhile, women don’t need growth because they perfect, innocent, saints that are already infallible in the way they treat/regard men.

                Thanks for clearing that up.

                • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

                  Lmao. You’re welcome.

                  • That Ugly Kid

                    -__-

                • H.H.H.

                  must be all that sugar and spice and eerything nice and what not…. smh

              • mena

                I would agree that men are socialized to view women as unreasonable and illogical. We are something that guys put up with bc they have to. It does seem that way at times.

                • Dignan

                  If men could give themselves oral sex, the world would be a different place indeed. :D

                  • mena

                    Or more gross! :-)

                    • Dignan

                      Yeah, but I could open a yoga studio and make a ton of money.

              • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

                Well, that could be because men are many times socialized to view women with disdain and women aren’t usually socialized that way.

                I’m going to need to see the receipts on that last point. There are a lot of women who are socialized to see men with disdain, at least in my experience. Maybe that’s just me though.

                • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                  yes. i agree. and i will play my wild card which is ::

                  some men are socialized to raise their daughters as unreasonable and illogical.

                  i know there are women who do the same to their sons.

                  the cycle often repeats itself, like a generational curse. props to those who can break it, on their terms.

                • mena

                  You are correct on this. “Don’t depend on a man” is something that i have heard countless times from elders, my mother, friends, teachers, the pastor, people at the grocery store…

            • mena

              Black mamas have been sympathizing with their black sons since slavery. This is why black mamas coddle their sons and are more strict on their daughters.

              • Rewind

                Uuuhhh..no. Black mommas have a tendency to raise their son into the man SHE WISHES SHE COULD HAVE, forgetting that he has the ability to form his own personality and view of self. This is why MANY YOUNG MEN go astray from their mothers after a while, because her tunnel vision won’t allow her to see that he does not want to follow her down the path she insists is best for him.

                I’m not saying all Black mothers do this, but there is a big pattern, especially if you need a partial answer as to why so many young men make babies and walk away.

                • mena

                  Read my comment below. Again, black mamas have been sympathizing and coddling their sons bc of historical reasons.

                  • camilleblue

                    nahhhh….i can’t quite get with this mena….please give more explanation into what you are trying to convey….b/c to say we are soft on our sons b/c of slavery is just not quite right….

                    • mena

                      I think that black women have been sympathizing with black men since the beginning of time. We coddle our sons and ignore some of the things that they do since men will be men. On the flip side, when we raise our daughters, we raise them with the reality that you are a woman and you are black. No one is going to look out for you but yourself and do not depend on a man to be there for you when times get tough. I have seen this with my own two eyes. The forgiveness that is given to sons and yet the higher standards that are set on daughters. No excuses are given for a daughters mistakes. But for her son, she will pull out everything. And again, i am generalizing but i have seen this in single homes and homes with men and women.

                  • Rewind

                    I read what you said, and I don’t agree.

                  • Marshal

                    Wait, so Mothers coddle their Sons BECAUSE of Slavery, only to have their Daughters Disregard Men as Potential Mates- even though THEIR Mothers Coddled them BECAUSE of Slavery…..

                    You just Contradicted yourself and made Rewind’s point to the T

                    • mena

                      No, i didn’t but again, nice try.

                    • camilleblue

                      @mena – wouldn’t let me reply to your last comment – but anyway – i think that what you are saying is fairly universal to how boys and girls are raised across the board – not just little black boys and girls….almost every family that i know is stricter with their girls than their boys – race is irrelevant.

                    • mena

                      At Camille, hmmm…i think that it is harder in black families though b/c i am a black woman i will admit that i am being biased. I see your point but i do beleive that there is a heavier burden placed on us b/c of the way that society will perceive us.

                    • Kema

                      I think women are naturally stricter on girls soft on boys and men are stricter with boys soft on girls. This brings about balance if both parents are around. However in the case of the single mother you end up with soft boys and hard girls.

                    • mena

                      That’s a good point Kema.

            • LMNOP

              I don’t have a son, but being around friends’ sons and other little boys has really made me think a lot about the ways that gender roles and the pressure to act “like a man” hurt boys. Hasn’t had a huge influence on how I feel about grown men though.

              • mena

                Little boys seem to be naturally sweeter than little girls. Then they are taught to man up and stop being soft and the game changes.

                • LMNOP

                  It’s so sad to me. I also hate how people discourage boys from playing with dolls. Playing dad is not “girly.”

                  • IcePrincess3

                    +23

                  • Kema

                    Exactly!!!

                    • a boy and his demondog 06

                      man phuck all of that!….it’s bad enough that you have this effeminization of black boys with the charge of this cultural shift being lead by single mothers. next you all will be saying to these soft a$$, skinny jean wearin, over emotional boys that you’re raising that “there’s nothing wrong with wearing a cocktail dress and tiara. it’s simple. only men can teach boys to be men…stop getting impregnated by dirtbags, stop using dudes and kids as a source of extra income from the state, stop using kids as weapons to hurt the fathers.

                      i’m sorry for the rant, but when i hear women say ish like this, it makes my blood boil. this drives home the reasons why these boys need their fathers in their lives. for generations black men knew how to take care of their families…it wasn’t until the crack epidemic, outsourcing of jobs, war on poor blacks…er ..i mean drugs. and this so called sexual revolution, that we witnessed the deterioration of the black family. men didn’t need to play with baby dolls…..

                    • mena

                      Did you just seriously get upset over a little boy playing with dolls?

                    • demondog06

                      ” Did you just seriously get upset over a little boy playing with dolls?”

                      yes…..yes i did…..

                • Kendi

                  I work in a daycare and that is the truth. The little boys are cuddly, sweet and show soooo much love. Not that the girls do not and maybe I am biased because I see the change that happens by the time they are 7/8yrs old. The little girls seem to maintain but the boys just lose that and it really hurts to see that. It makes me think of the men we complain about now, are they our own Frankensteins?

    • IcePrincess3

      I do. My son is 4 yrs old. A smart, sensitive little boy. As a woman trying to raise a man, I do my best to toe the line between teaching him to be in touch with his emotions without making him too “soft.” There is all types of psychology to raising boys. It’s a shame cuz this society tells little baby boys to “be tough” “stop crying like a lil punk” ect, ect. They learn at a young age how to bottle up their feelings, & that’s not natural nor healthy. I just try to explain to my son that its ok to feel, & why. He asks about it all the time when he sees someone crying on tv. “Why he/she crying, mommy?” I’ll say ” because he/she is sad.” I teach him the words for different emotions: sad, angry, happy, ect. He’ll ask, “why he sad?” I jus keep it real. “Cuz his gf broke up with him, she didn’t love no more.” (A true example when we were watching Cheaters rotflmao) Anyway, I definitely learn/grow while raising my loving, caring little boy. But I swear to god, sometimes I think he tries to get over on me cuz I’m white (he’s black). He thinks im boo boo the fool. Then I have to whoop that azz & show him who’s boss lmao!!

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Lol@you watching Cheaters with your little boy

        • IcePrincess3

          Yup, he likes to see the fights :-)

      • That Ugly Kid

        So how has raising your son affected your interactions with men?

        • IcePrincess3

          I just try to dig deeper & understand their pain. I know for a fact that that’s why some guys are emotionally stunted; they get their heart broke once, & it’s a WRAP. Guys don’t process grief as well as women do. But it’s not their fault.

          • That Ugly Kid

            Interesting. So having a son caused you to be more considerate towards the relatively fragile male emotional state.

            • IcePrincess3

              Hell yes! Although I’ve always known that the male ego is one of the most delicate things on this earth, waaay before my son came along.

              • IcePrincess3

                This may be slightly OT, but my bd summed it up so perfectly. I don’t even think he knew he was sayin anything profound, but to me it was deep. We were watching Maury. This chick was on there w/ 2 guys for a DNA test. One was her bf, who loved her & very much wanted to be the father. The other was her no-good side piece. The side guy ended up being the baby’s father. Guy #1 is backstage crying, heartbroken. My bf says, “boi, I feel sorry for the next woman he gets with.” Puzzled, I asked why? He said, “because he is gonna drag the f*ck outa her.” I’m like, “that’s crazy, the next chick didn’t do anything!” He goes, “doesn’t matter. That guy is gonna be hell on wheels for a few years, guaranteed.” What I took away from that convo is that men hurt deeply, & are actually MORE likely than women to carry baggage.

                • H.H.H.

                  “What I took away from that convo is that men hurt deeply, & are actually MORE likely than women to carry baggage.”

                  i think females carry that type of baggage a lot longer, and a lot more often than males do…however, with males that pain becomes sharp because it’s emotion breaking ones foundation of logic/commonsensicalness.

                  • IcePrincess3

                    You do? I think women are better at heartbreak than men. Quiet as its kept, we’re actually the “stronger” sex. Women will give love another chance with someone new; we will take that risk time & time again cuz we kno the payoff will be huge. Guys will just build a barbwire fence around their heart & just go thru the motions.

                  • Rewind

                    I disagree, women are repat offenders, but men are stubborn mules…they will use that one instance of heartbreak to justify 20 years of bullshyte and then ownder why they can’t find a decent woman. At leat women, even in bouts of stupidty, want to try to move on..men don’t until the hand of God literally slaps the shyte out of them somehow.

                • LMNOP

                  I love that you all had a deep talk over Maury!

                • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

                  I think that women are more emotional, but they also handle dealing with emotions better because of experience.

                  • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                    i am not sure. men act out in violence often enough to make me consider their level of emotionality is as complex and powerful as a woman’s.

                    • IcePrincess3

                      But if they lash out with violence, see, that’s the wrong way. Hurt people, hurt people.

                    • Kema

                      Yes… anger is an emotion. You dont have to boo-hoo to be emotional.

                    • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                      @ Miss Kema

                      yes ! and what’s more, anger and grief are two sides of the same coin.

                      when emotions go unprocessed, people will act or or they will self harm. either way, there is the expression of physical violence when psychological trauma cannot be released.

                  • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

                    I rarely think violence is a purely emotional response. That’s control.

                    • Kema

                      But where does the desire to control come from? Fear? Thats an emotion too!

                    • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

                      Yeah, men do have emotions…

                    • SweetSass

                      Kema FTW.

                    • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

                      I’m goign to need you all to realize that there are differences between the sexes, but that’s ok. Women being more emotional doesn’t mean inferior. The only time it seems that there is an acknowledgement is when you say men are the devil and hate women.

        • http://www.blackyodaprime.blogspot.com Black Yoda

          I see what you’re trying to do. The overwhelming majority are never going to fess up. Now I’ve gone and made an observation they’ll deny. :-)

      • LMNOP

        Aw, you sound like a really good mom!

        • IcePrincess3

          Thanx yo :-)

    • DG

      Though I see where you’re going with this, folk, I think one has to consider how much the mother/son relationship differs from the man/woman relationship. A mom may not think of her son (at least initially) as a man…that’s just her baby (which carries a whole ‘nother set of emotions and thoughts with it). Now, I’m no expert on motherhood or anything, but how a mother views/understands her baby and how she view/understands men, I think, can be apples and oranges.

      • That Ugly Kid

        But couldn’t the same be said for fathers/daughters? Little girls are no where close to being women, yet men begin to consider approaching women differently regardless of the age of his daughter (as PJ said, his daughter is 4). Does the son’s age matter, but the daughter’s doesn’t.

        • DG

          Perhaps, perhaps not…it’s likely a reflection on how little girls and boys are socialized. But here’s a question: what kinda lessons about men would you expect a mother to learn from a 4 year old boy?? I mean, manhood/masculinity is very much a learned behavior, often learned through demonstration (i.e., you learn how to be a man from being around/observing men). On the flip, little girls will make you re-evaluate some things very early just through interaction with them. I had to check myself in how I spoke to my niece, as she interpreted things differently than my nephew at the time. She was 3 at the time.

          • Rewind

            Let’s use Black people as a reference. Given that Black men and women have such a horrible divide and don’t treat each other well at all, we’ve got a lot of bitter single mothers out here. What one could hope for is if a woman has a son, by trying to raise him, she sees all the faults men have to live with through life permanently that she could never understand by just dating men. Maybe if you see the problem from the very beginning, it makes a lot more sense as to why it becomes an even bigger problem as years go past.

            I don’t think a woman could truly understand how f*cked it is for both genders to hold men up to unreasonable standards until they see their 3-year old son getting yelled at by another adult for trying to grab a 3-year old girl. Of course the mother knows her son meant no harm, but on the merit only that he’s a boy, he will be treated as some sort of violent offender that she better keep a close eye on.

            • mena

              I think you are looking at this as women being completely insensitive to a little boys needs. I just have not seen this. What I have seen is a mother trying to understand her son emotionally and the father say to stop coddling the boy before he grows up a punk.

              • Rewind

                Ok so YOU haven’t seen it..that’s fine. But it exists..I know it exists..I see it every day at work, I’ve done research papers on it at school, and it’s going to be my thesis in grad school. It exists mena, to the point where it is in numerous scientific journals. Go look yourself if you don’t believe me.

                • mena

                  But is that not social pressure for men to man up and be these emotionless creatures. Heck, yall go off on Drake on this site for making emotional rap songs. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say that women don’t sympathize with their sons emotionally and that is the reason why they grow up the way that they do. You are missing out on an important factor like where is the man in the situation? I have seen one too many times men jump on women for raising their sons to be punks.

                  Please send me the articles that you are speaking about so that i can read up.

                  • Rewind

                    The drake reference…I don’t know how to touch othat, other than the fact that he is a man using emoitons to make money, that’s not the same as being mature..because he’s still f*cking bitches, popping bottles, and calling chick’s ho’s..so I think that’s a bad reference.

                    If youw ant to bring the dads into this, fine you win on that one, bu again, we are talking about opposite gender parent/child relationships, so that’s not helping here.

                    As far as the jorunals I spike of, you will have to wait on that, since I’m at work, but a simple Google search would help.

                    My only point is sometimes peopel think they are diong the right thing, and it turns out they are doing the wrong thing, and I’ve spotted that with many mothers when it comes to their sons.

            • SweetSass

              Ahem, but he *shouldn’t* be grabbing on little girls. And he shouldn’t be raised to think that is ok. Awful example.

              • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

                Agreed, but there’s a way to give that lesson out without making the boy seem like a horrible human being. Unfortunately, not every boy gets told in a loving way.

              • Rewind

                Sass, quit it.

                Kids grab shyte. Show me a kid who doesn’t, and I’m calling it an alien.

              • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                it’s going to happen. it’s the nature of the age. children explore bodies without shame, because shame is a learned response, not a natural state.

                little girls will learn, through example and lesson, how to deal with what is the inevitable onslaught of male attention. i remember when i was 4, this little boy was all up on my to play doctor, and i was like, “hell naww. i have standards.”

                he kept on it. following me around, pulling down his pants. i didnt feel threatened so much as embarrassed for him. i could handle myself. but if an adult had intervened, they would likely have made me feel guilty by association. f that.

                cause, really ? sex is so natural. that frisky kitty feeling is so innocent and pure in children. i remember having full blown crushes on older men, not having a clue what it meant but not being ashamed of my feelings at all.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            Pretty much.

    • mena

      TUK, I’m about to reach with this and I know that the people here will correct me if I am wrong but I can only go by what I have seen.

      Not all mothers are perfect or good women and many will take out their frustrations with men on their children period. They will raise their daughters to believe that men are dogs and will raise their sons to believe that he is crap just like his dad or will become emotionally dependent on him for all the wrong reasons. He is a substitute husband.

      What I have seen though, from some black women who have a husband at home, is an affection towards her son that is one of protection. As much as guys may not want to hear this, some women are in tuned to the struggles that black men go through before we even have a son. We have seen it with our own brothers, fathers, and uncles. We don’t believe you guys are making up stories to get sympathy points bc we are more aware emotionally how slights can hurt feelings and how it can seem that the world is against you. Logic can be a double edged sword and every once in a while, you need some emotion. So when we have a little boy, we do tend to coddle him more. To try and protect him from the world. However, watch the way that same woman raises her daughter and it is a completely different ball game. How I was raised, and from what I have seen, black women are harder on their little girls bc the perspective is just different. We raise our daughters knowing exactly how she will be looked at bc she is black and has female parts.

      I think mothers and fathers will always raise their sons and daughters differently but women may be (and I am generalizing here) just more in tuned emotionally with what their children will go through. For men it seems to be an “ah ha” moment but for women it seems to be a “yep.” It doesn’t catch us off guard. The articles I have seen written by men about their daughters is more of “maybe chicks were right. They do go through x, y, and z and I just didn’t take the time to notice bc I thought she was being illogical.”

      Now that’s not to say that there aren’t articles written and it seems to be black blogs written by men are way more popular than vice versa so maybe this is why you haven’t seen a women mention what she has learned from her son bc it’s simply not right in your face.

      This is just what I’ve seen though.

      • Kema

        “For men it seems to be an “ah ha” moment but for women it seems to be a “yep.” It doesn’t catch us off guard.”

        This! As a mother of two preteen sons I keep having these “yep” moments.

        I just had my first ‘about girls’ question from my son. He wanted to know why girls always want to talk. lol!

      • SweetSass

        You stole my comment before I had a chance to type it! Good job.

        • mena

          :-)

    • Aly

      Interesting point, TUK, and I agree with you. I think it’s because women are socialized practically our entire lives to learn about men, their perspectives, and what makes them tick. All you have to do is look at the sheer number of relationship books and blogs for proof of this – which for the most part are written by men for women.

      On the flip side, men tend to learn about women through trial and error. Having a daughter may be sort of an “aha” moment for a lot of men where it all finally clicks and they can see things from our perspective. Of course this can also happen with a gf or wife, but when it’s your child you’re just more sensitive and more likely to see the world through their eyes.

      • AfroPetite

        Good point.

      • Rewind

        Hmm…ok I never looked at it that way.

        But in a way, I still disagree. Because as much as women learn about men, in the end, so many of our deepest vulnerabilities are either forgotten or not of interest to women…until it is too late.

        • Aly

          I suppose it depends on the relationship. You’re right, in some cases women aren’t interested. But I also think that some men have a difficult time talking about their vulnerabilities.

          • Rewind

            Of course we do. We’re blackballed since childhood to keep shyte to ourselves, and should we try to express it, then we do not fit our proper gender role, so why have to pay consequences for it, because that’s what society says to do.

            No matter how unique most parents think they are, they are not, and they repeat the same stereotypes to their kids that they grew up with. The young men of today, while they will be more emotional than the men of today, they will be a lot worse than my generation when they get older because the door is opened for them to express emotion but no guidance is given to deal with the emotions.

            My generation simply stated you don’t show emotion at all..that’s harmful enough as it is. But the young boys of today, mainly raised by single moms, take emotional traits from their mothers, but have no male influence to deal with both the feminine and masculine sides they have, so it becomes chaos.

            • Kema

              “We’re blackballed since childhood to keep shyte to ourselves, and should we try to express it, then we do not fit our proper gender role, so why have to pay consequences for it, because that’s what society says to do.”

              I dont know about this… I think biology is more at play here. Different brains and stuff. I’ve always been open with my sons but I’ve noticed difficulty in their ability to express emotions. Little girls seem to be able to go on and on about how a perceived slight affected them while I have to pry it from my sons.

              • Rewind

                Because their friends tell them to not snitch. Or they don’t being ostracized for being a big mouth or crybaby, etc.

                There’s nothing biological about keeping feelings to ourselves, it’s simply a learned trait through society. Kids pick up on social cues extremely quick, and adults consistently forget that. By the time they realize their kids acts a certain way, they just assume that’s how the kid naturally is, when the truth is the kid has already picked up the information, assessed it, and adopted it.

                • Kema

                  “There’s nothing biological about keeping feelings to ourselves”

                  No? Look into the differences in the limbic systems between men and women and how that affects emotion.

                  • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                    interesting. i am going to go look it up. but i have known some incredibly emotional men who express their feelings in non-female (talking, interpersonal relating) ways.

                    perhaps we as women are biased to think emotional expression comes in the form that we use but i think there are many applications for this expression.

                    art being a solitary and private experience, is well suited for many men. it was Hemingway who said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed.”

                    • Kema

                      Look into it Esa. I happen to find it interesting because I also know men who differ. But they are usually the norm. Plus I differ so I actually attract emotional men that express it in traditionally female ways.

                    • Kema

                      b*but they are not usually the norm

          • a boy and his demondog 06

            “But I also think that some men have a difficult time talking about their vulnerabilities.”

            well duh! to tell a woman your innermost secrets, fears vulnerabilities etc….is basically giving her a blade to cut you deeply with later. women’s sharp tongues do more damage than the sharpest of knives.

            love is war..war is an art…the enemy should only know what you allow them to know about you
            woof-

            • Aly

              *caresses demondog’s face* You can tell me your secrets, love. I would never hurt you. *whispers* NEVER ;)

        • Wild Cougar

          k, you said your generation doesn’t show emotion, but women are at fault for not seeing it? How are we supposed to see something you are doing everything to hide?

          • SweetSass

            Tu’shay.

          • Rewind

            Of course not. It’s the biggest reason for the rift between men and women, but I can’t tell if whether or not the message isn’t being spread or if people just don’t care.

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Maybe I’m the weird one, but having a daughter didn’t really change me. Then again, since I’m the one raising her, I have a lot of leeway in terms of what she’s exposed to. I figure the other women in our lives with balance out my stuff, but so far…eh, not really. And my daughter doesn’t really like the super-hard hip-hop so…*kanyeshrug*

    • camilleblue

      TUK…. when a man has a daughter, he almost instantly has the feeling of wanting to protect his daughter and not wanting her to go experience any of the things that other women have experienced at the hands of a man. When a woman has a son, we are trying to raise him to NOT do the “typical” things that men tend to do to women while dating…..so basically a man knows he has been a “dog”…has a daughter…doesn’t want her to be dogged, so he softens almost instantly…a women has been “dogged”…has a son…doesn’t want him to be a “dog” so she tries to raise him to treat women the way we feel we should be treated….you are not going to hear a woman say – “oh i’ve had a son, so now i’m going to soften up on these men out here”…if anything, you might hear a woman being harder on men, because now she has a son, and wants to raise him by leading by example…

      • Rewind

        See that’s the problem though. When some women have sons, they try to raise him in a way that she thinks is right, but some women have a tendency to raise their sons as their ideal model of a man. By doing so, she’s stripping away his own uniqueness. There’s a difference between teaching morals and teaching your son not to treat women badly, but never giving a reference about when respect should be given and not given. There’s a difference between teaching a son to stand up for himself against bullies, but not teaching him how to stand up to a trifling woman. Too many inconsistencies that never get any attention is why some sons stray from their mothers.

        At least with fathers, even if he’s trying to protect his daughter, HE HAS NO CHOICE but to accept her individuality as she grows (unless he’s one of those dominating fathers). I don’t get that same feeling from mothers to their sons.

        • camilleblue

          hmmm…so how is it that a father has no choice but to accept his daughters individuality, but a mother does not have that same edict for her son?

          • Rewind

            I don’t want to sound stereotypical when I say this, but when a girl starts becoming of age, especially during her teenage years…her father is going to be forced to take a step back. She won’t be his little girl anymore, and she will fight tooth and nail for this slice of newfound independence she’s supposed to have. So even if he wants to remain close, he will have to accept the various changes she’s going through in order to keep that relationship going.

            Mothers on the other hand, don’t let up on the idea of what her son should be. For some women, her son is the man of the house, no matter what age he is. So when he becomes a teenager, some mothers won’t change their views, because they expect the son to keep the same responsibilities, no matter what changes. To some moms, just because her son gets hair on his balls, won’t change the fact that she’s the mother, and he’s the son. But that feel is not the same for fathers and daughters.

            • camilleblue

              ummm…yeah…you’re stereotyping just a bit… i mean..that happens…but what also happens is when little girls get their periods, fathers lose their damn minds…that’s when they tend to really try to lock them down – and a lot of bumping of heads goes down…and yes, what you described with women and their sons happens, but what also happens is that when women try to raise their sons “right” we try to allow them to find their way while teaching them what NOT to accept from some scraggly-@ass woman. b/c you know that most women think their sons are worthy of no less than the single most perfect woman on the planet – next to moms duke.

              • Rewind

                I’m not saying that issues don’t arise for parents when their kids change, I’m saying that the expecations vary differently for both genders. No matter what a father does, he either has to let his daugther find her own way, or scar her for life by being that overbearing dad. We’ve all seen him, and many of us know what his daugther turned into because he wouldn’t let go. Moms have the same problems with their sons, but the expecation of what the son should be lasts a whole lot longer than most people give credit for.

                To a dad, all boys are offenders until proven wrong. To a mom, most girls are ok around her son unless she thinks the girl is fast or trying to trap him. That’s a slight example, but we all know the extremmes vary.

                • camilleblue

                  “No matter what a father does, he either has to let his daugther find her own way, or scar her for life by being that overbearing dad.”

                  trust me…it’s the same with women and their sons….b/c that overbearing mother becomes the monster-in-law…i definitely see your points rewind and i think we agree for the most part that there are variations to what both of us are saying….

                  • Rewind

                    There are. There’s a different way I want to dwcribe what I’m thinking, but I can’t find the right words..either way though we seem to agree for the most part.

                • SweetSass

                  “To a dad, all boys are offenders until proven wrong. To a mom, most girls are ok around her son unless she thinks the girl is fast or trying to trap him. That’s a slight example, but we all know the extremmes vary.”

                  Why do you think that is? And who is the one really doing the stereotyping here?

                  • Rewind

                    If i am stereotyping, then so be it, because all i have is my own experiences to base my opinions on.

                    I’ve seen many moms try to assess a girl that her son brings home, and i the girl comes with the right attitude, she may back off. But the mother gets a hint that this girl is a trick, or is playing games with her son, she becomes a wall and makes sure the girl knows she’s not welcome. But with the dads, I’ve seen them just not give a damn who it is, they don’t want these boys aroudn their daughter. Mainly because they know how boys think, no matter what wlak of ife they come from. It is a huge stereotype, but that’s how they look at it. A young man has to do something the father doesn’t quite expect to at least get that bit of respect first, beyond his daugther asking him to respect her wishes.

                    • SweetSass

                      Why do you think the dad acts that way?

                    • Rewind

                      Men fear the psychology of other men when it comes to their daughters, because after all this time, we are still taught that women are not that important. We still live in a society that exemplifies that idea, no matter how far we’ve gotten. So no father really wants his girl to be seen as that stripper, that porn star, that girl that can swallow 3 dudes at a time, but the society we keep encouraging to hold on to that idea still exists and breathes the same crap regardless. No man wants his daugther to be causht in that web, but he knows in the end, she just may, and it scares the hell out of him.

          • Marshal

            I think becasue Men go about Relationships and Intimacy like, well, Men. Not trying to offend, but there’s a reason Many Women what to have a Male Best Friend that’s not Gay. You wouldn’t tell everything to your S/O, but you might to your Male Friend or even your Male Gay Friend. Part of the whole Nice Guys vs Bad Boys divide pulls from Men being raised by their Mothers to be who Women WANT Men to be as opposed to How Men Are.

            IF a Guy were to date and start off saying that he’s Special and Different because his Single Mother raised him, off the back most would see and treat him as a Mama’s Boy and Not “masculine enough” and go from there; he would be on the Bottom of the Pecking Order with Boys/Men from Two-Parent Homes or raised by his Single Dad (he and his Dad would be Diamonds in the rough, but that’s a topic of another time-if ever there will be a time). The “Bad Boys” have the confidence, “swagg” and “strength” thatthey won’t be pushovers, too appeasing and agreeing. The Mother-Raised Man has much more to prove on his Individuality than a Two-Parent and Single Father-raised Guy

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          There’s a difference between teaching morals and teaching your son not to treat women badly, but never giving a reference about when respect should be given and not given. There’s a difference between teaching a son to stand up for himself against bullies, but not teaching him how to stand up to a trifling woman.

          Exactly. Now, to be fair, there are some women that get their limitations and seek out outside help to balance their habits with a male perspective. On the other habit, emotional incest is real, and the impacts are damaging throughout life. Your child and your life partner are two very different things, and confusing the two ultimately does damage to the child.

    • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

      Great, great observation.

    • http://uphereoncloud9.wordpress.com Wu Young, Agent of M.E.

      “Though, I’ve never (and I mean E.V.E.R.) read anything from a female stating how her opinion/perspective about men changed due to having a son.”

      Naturally my moms didn’t have a blog but I heard her state more than many times about how having sons helped her understand my pops. She explained it in a manner of it was as if she watching my pops get reverse engineered (my words not hers) through my brother and myself.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I don’t know. I get the impression that many women already know how hard it is out here for Black boys. Hell, most women I know are so hellbent on hopefully saving little Black boys (not sure how that goes for lil white boys) and recognizing how difficult life is for us that I don’t know that they need to write about how its changed their lives. Motherhood changes lives, but many women know and see how things are for us and acknowledge it. At least from my experience.

      • mena

        Exactly. There is no surprise for us like it is for men. Generally speaking.

      • Ani-Q

        Agreed.
        Didn’t see this post before I posted.

      • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

        I dont know P. What you say here makes sense. But I think Tuk is on to something. Who you are to you daughter will effect what she ultimately looks for in a man and you recognize your responsibility (your power) in that and it seems like you began to understand the responsibility the day she was born. Your daughters dating choices and how she approaches relationships will be informed by you. She will be cautious of men (as she should be) but there is a chance that because of you she will not be afraid of men. She will notice your relationship with women and other men.

        In a world of good intentions….In my life I dont know if more than a few women approach it this way and I’m only using my family and friendships as a guide. I don’t know if the women in my life fully recognize the impact their womanhood can have on us outside of “Traditional” roles and ideas tied to women birthing children.

        I know a lot of men who first learned not to trust women via the direct teaching of the women closest to them. I have single mother friends who teach their sons “not to cry” and to “man up” “not to take any things from these girls” long before the streets or any man do. On the flip I know women who do understand their impact and they are not teaching their sons these things, or they are at least broadening the message. These women tend to be the outliers.

        It seems like you are raising your daughter to value her womanhood while simultaneously giving her the good pieces of your manhood. In my world It seems like some women may be raising their sons to value their manhood while simultaneously not giving these future men the good pieces of their womanhood.

        • a boy and his demondog 06

          when my nephew was a toddler i used to have to constantly remind his mother to be mindful of the ish she says about men around him…basically she and most of her fugly friends sit around complaining about how men ain’t bout sht. these boys are growing up basically feeling that no one gives a sht about them, not their mothers, fathers are non existent. most of their teachers are white women who don’t respect them…there’s all these legislative concessions such as title 1, which has been good for females…but devastating for dudes…the whole system has thrown black boys under the bus…..but i tell you who will embrace these lost boys……..dem streets!…..the crips….the bloods….the army…..the latin kings….ms 13 etc…..

      • Wild Cougar

        This is true. You don’t have to have a son to want to contribute to making life easier for the little Black boys in the world.

    • Ani-Q

      Well, women have been trying to see from a man’s POV before they even have a son. Look on the shelves in books stores, magazines in the grocery stores, relationship and love forums, mixers and Steve Harvey’s studio audience. Do you think the “Starter wives” , “ride and die chick”, “behind every great man there is a great woman” concepts came out of thin air?. Many women worth their salt have been trying to learn, to understand, willing to change and sacrifice many things in heartbeat for men. By time some women have sons they have learn so many crazy things about men that their entire focus is to ensure that their son dont become the men they have met or dated. If anything, I would say some women are just as scared as men to have daughters, fearing their daughters will have to go through the same life experiences with men.

      • mena

        “If anything, I would say some women are just as scared as men to have daughters, fearing their daughters will have to go through the same life experiences with men.”
        Yep.

      • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

        ~ If anything, I would say some women are just as scared as men to have daughters, fearing their daughters will have to go through the same life experiences with men.

        i have learned the very hard way that when fear is your guiding star, you gonna crash and burn bad. my mother was so fukt up that her idea of protecting me was to make sure i was properly abused and degraded (just as she was, because i was no better than she), but the abuse was on terms she could rationalize because there are no laws against them — yet.

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        I see your point about women not wanting their sons to become the men they’ve dated. There are healthy ways to go about this and, um…less healthy ways to go about this. It’s one thing if you see all the dudes that did you dirty have certain deficits in how they were brought up, and you make sure that those issues are taken care of. It’s another if you try to raise a son to be The Perfect Dude without understand what makes The Perfect Dude tick. As a result, you have these situations where you have boys brought up to be perfect for the mama, but then they have their world brought down when they get out into the world and most women ain’t mama. In the first situation, a mother is caring for her son as a person. In the second situation, a mother is caring for her son as an object to meet her emotional needs.

    • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

      Sexism. In this whole paradigm you set up, the only parent/child combination that changes the parent is father/daughter. That’s because fathers are supposed to raise men and protect their daughters. I’m not saying if that’s right or wrong, or even that it isn’t practical. No matter how well intentioned it is, the same assumptions that cause this behavior underly both chivalry and misogony.

      • SweetSass

        Astute observation.

      • Kema

        “That’s because fathers are supposed to raise men and protect their daughters”

        Yes and mothers raise their daughters and love their sons.

        • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

          Casue boys are awesome. The dynamic between mothers and daughters, and any two women in general for that matter, is beyond me.

        • mena

          I think this is even stronger in the black community. Much stronger.

          • Kema

            I dont think stronger… I think the after effects are more devestating. The black community as a whole doesnt have the resources to take care of a man that hasnt learned to be or decides to postpone being responsible.

  • http://www.alltherightquestions.com T.Q. Fuego

    Good post. I get glimpses of this with my niece but I’m sure if I had a daughter I’d be fully able to relate.

    ” To quote my boy, men want to find logic in emotion, and women want us to find the emotional component to our logic. This is the way God set things up.”

    Your boy couldn’t have said it better. That’s where so many disconnects in perspective originate from as it pertains to the men and women. That was a very concise and eloquent summary.

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

    Nice post, PJ. It’s nice to know that some men moderate, evaluate, modify, question, etc., their world view and thoughts about women after having a daughter. Unfortunately, I think men that do are in the minority from what I’ve seen of the world.

    Misogyny would have a hard time surviving if most men, after having a daughter, had a more positive view of women. But, just like many a man who treats women in general like crap, except his beloved mother, most men who father girls only treat and expect respectful treatment for their daughters and continue to treat women like crap.

    • IcePrincess3

      *looking @ you, Puffy*

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        Perfect example, IP.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      that’s scoiety in general, people only care about their circles

    • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

      ~ most men who father girls only treat and expect respectful treatment for their daughters and continue to treat women like crap.

      or .. they treat their daughters just as they treat women, whether that is abuse, neglect, abandonment, disrespect, etc. a whole host of behaviors that creates daddy issues in generation after generation of women, who then in turn act out those issues on a new generation of men (who, poetically enough, are often men with complementary mommy issues).

      BUT ! PJ’s post gives me life and a sense of inner peace. every time i hear a story about a good father, i feel a healing ~*~

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com Val

        “…or .. they treat their daughters just as they treat women, whether that is abuse, neglect, abandonment, disrespect, etc.”

        Yep, that’s often the case.

    • SweetSass

      Misogyny would have a hard time surviving if most men were conditioned to empathize before they had a daughter.

      Fixed it for you.

  • msdebbs

    Having daughters don’t change all men. My dad was mean and cold as hell when I was growing up. He only started to soften up and change to older he got. I love my dad and I’m not mad I just had to realized he raised me the same way he was raised…no grudges here.

    • IcePrincess3

      Interesting. If I can ask a personal question, has that effected your relationship with men? Do you find yourself drawn to the emotionally unavailable, aloof type, because that was your model of how a man behaves?

      • msdebbs

        Saddly it has.

      • Kema

        Same here relationship wise… and like Msdebbs I realize my father was raising me the only way he knew.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      *puts on cape and cues Let Me Love You instrumental* lol nah, but my father was the same way, he got old and eventually softened up, perhaps he saw the caliber of men my sisters was bringing home and started to regret it

    • AfroPetite

      My father was/is the same in that regard. That man is a rock and he often told me about how my grandfather raised him up which makes sense now. For my father, raising my younger brother and myself was one in the same.

      • IcePrincess3

        See, this why I want my son to know how to navigate his emotions. All this “strong, silent, stoic, black man” stuff is utter bullsh*t. I want his emotional IQ to be as high as his intellectual one.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      You’re right. I know many women who have very strained relationships with their fathers; some of whom I’ve met and have been amazed at how cold they can be.

      I just don’t get that. At all.

      • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

        ~ I just don’t get that. At all.

        it’s generational. people from good homes have no point of reference to what it means to be unsafe in your own home. last night i was with friends, and we were talking about this so i touched on my fukt up family, and one woman was like, “did that really happen or do you just think it did?”

        which is beautiful in how people victims are delusional until proven sane, but i digress.

        my fam is too fukt to explain in a simple paragraph so i said, let me tell you the little i know about how my father was raised. so i talked on how my grandfather proudly boasted of raping his wife, of how she tried desperately to abort the child by moving furniture around the house every night, how the failure to abort because an in-house joke, how all this ish was discussed at the dinner table thirty, forty years later, in front of the woman who suffered all this ish in silence until she lost it thru Alzheimer’s and became violent, then got locked in a home by the man who abused her while he took up with another woman while she wasted away in an institution, the finest (snort) money could buy.

        you know how long it has taken me to write that ish without tears, rage, or shame? okay i still have a lil but my point ? i do have one, yes. it is my father, that sicko, was five years old when the rapes began. he saw all this ish. and who knows what he saw. and that he tried to kill his own daughters, in some “you cant convict me way” is psychotic .. but i get it. and i get why people who come from good homes have no point of reference.

        it’s not something anyone would ever want to understand, if they can help it.

        • IcePrincess3

          Daaaaamn *e-hug*

          • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

            thank you love ~*~

            ima pass this e-hug on to my grandma cause she was done wrong, but karma is real and as i told my grandfather before he died, “I’ll be writing about you.”

            and, i will, respectfully give my grandmother the justice her life and death are due.

            • Wild Cougar

              you do that……. e-hugs

              • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                xoxo

        • nillalatte

          Esa, you are not alone.

          Though I was raised in a two parent home where violence just wasn’t the norm, I’ve only known my father to really get angry maybe a hand full of times in my life. But, when I married, of course, it took time for the monster to show himself, but when he did, he was in full force. This is what ultimately caused me to leave him – my kids. I stayed in the marriage at one point for my kids, but then I left him to save my kids, particularly my son. I did not want him to grow up thinking violence in any form was acceptable, particularly toward women and children.

          You wanna talk about knock down drag out fights? Psssht… Let a damn man raise his hand to my kids. I will try to kill and/or maim a mofo, including their father. If I’ll put a knife to his throat, I’ll do it to any other man that thinks they gonna put their hands on them. Period. Mama bear don’t play dat shyt and I ain’t scared of no damn cops, courts or jail.

          I often wonder and actually see what price my kids paid for my apathy, and it hurts me to the core. My oldest daughter is all bottled up with anger, but no matter how I try to help her release, she keeps it because of her cold blooded arse father and a phucked up court system that let things happen, hell MADE her visit him. They have no relationship now. In fact, she was excited to learn that if he were ever hospitalized and on life support that she would legally be the one to decide to pull the plug on him. She smiled. Of course, the thought of having that kind of power and actually having that power in the moment, would prove whether she acts out of logic or revenge.

          My younger daughter doesn’t understand his mental malfunction and is often hurt that he has no relationship with her. And, my son was two when I left him, so he’s never really had to be around psycho full time, thank God.

          But, while my oldest daughter is cold as PJ describes, my kids all have hearts, particularly for each other. I hope that comes from the many times that I told them — I’m not gonna be here one day and you three are all you have, so love each other, be there for each other, take care of each other.

          • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

            thank you for sharing Miss Nilla ~*~

            it fills my heart with warmth to hear you stand up on behalf of your children and put them first. i remember when i was seven, i learned what divorce was and i had hope. i used to dream my mother would leave my father, but nope.

            for years i swallowed my rage at being thrown under a bus so my mother could keep a man. i could not admit how deeply betrayed i felt. but i get it now. some parents have children to kill them. that’s their life’s purpose. it sukkks.

            if i may speak out of turn, i would not imagine your daughter is cold so much as numb. that’s the mind protecting itself from the pain of the wound that has yet to heal. it’s fire and ice, really, two sides of the same coin. all that anger bottled up is a cauldron and it seeks release.

            what that release is and when, that’s for her to discover. my path to damnation, salvation, redemption .. it has been #$%@&?! ugh. disturbing. exhausting. informative. it is an arduous process, but it is my path.

            and i believe we are all capable of this kind of transformation, if we grant ourselves just one wish :: to live in good health.

        • Rewind

          The pain you’ve endored…with your talent, breeds hope for someone else.

          I told you before I’m proud of you. Still mean it.

          • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

            (smile) thank youu

            i just read this Rumi quote this morning :: All language is a longing for home.

            and then i had to think :: is THIS why i write ? because i can’t go back to that house, to those people, to that home ? is this what it’s always been .. this longing ..

            as i type this, a couple of tears are rolling down my face, tho i am totally calm. it’s like, having the strength to admit my vulnerabilities through the act of writing is a form of alchemy ..

            • Rewind

              But your writing is alchelmy. You took one part heartache, one part fear, one part anger, and three parts stress, and turned in into a passion that works for completely for you.

              That’s magic to some people.

              It is hard to live a life where the past can never be resolved, the present seems good but is doubtful and the future is a shifty as the odds of a coin, but the choice to endure provides the answers that standing still could never show.

              • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                interestinnn. i feel/think my passion came first and this what keeps me alive. the passion has taken many forms throughout my life. right now it wants me to use the Word so that i can find my voice. as well as share of this with other voices, to tell other people’s stories, particularly those who are not here to do it themselves ..

                ~ It is hard to live a life where the past can never be resolved, the present seems good but is doubtful and the future is a shifty as the odds of a coin…

                i would have totally agreed with you last week but the Course in Miracles (plus a new partnership based in mutuality rather than hierarchy) is giving me a new paradigm from which to operate.

                it’s too new to speak on it in any effective sense but it’s allowing me a kind of freedom from the known that is nothing short of liberation ..

    • BriA

      This is true. My dad (although he and my Mom were married) was never there for me or my sisters when we were younger and he still isn’t even though we are older (we’re 27, 24, 22) . He was just that guy that lived with us, but was never a parent. I think it depends on the man. Some men grow up and take responsibility when they have daughters and some men don’t. It does affect my sisters and my relationships because we tend to seek love in the the most emotionally unavailale people and hold on too long and too tight. But, it’s something we are all working through. Oddly, he cheated on my Mom and had 2 more girls, and he isn’t there for them either. It’s a sad cycle because my little sisters (13, 14) are at an age where they really need a father figure in their life.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    The prospect of having a daughter scares me, hell kids in general do. Just about every dude in my circle has a little girl (we were hexed n sh t see my blog for story) it’s not that I’m too tough, I can play action figures with my nephew and resist the urge to go full angry blerd because for some reason he doesn’t like Batman. I see my brother talk about my neice and he gushes in a way I haven’t seen since we were kids talking about some girl he’s seeing. For the most part they all turn to mush. Perhaps it’s something I. won’t understand until I have my own. Shrug life.

    • Aly

      Well, don’t you look handsome this morning! ;)

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        Lamborghini……Merci :)

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          Suit & Tie Remix.

          • camilleblue

            lol…

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      You should try bodyslamming Dora dolls though. It’s fun. I know from experience. :)

    • Wild Cougar

      A girl is not a hex or a curse. We don’t live in India or China and you don’t need to talk about us in that way. Not even in jest. We are the land and you are the seed.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        settle down…

        • Wild Cougar

          NO! *wrestles Tristan to the ground till he cries uncle*

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    *puts on cape and cues Let Me Love You instrumental* lol nah, but my father was the same way, he got old and eventually softened up, perhaps he saw the caliber of men my sisters was bringing home and started to regret it

  • Marshal

    I can relate 100% to PJ’s post, as I’m goint through this right now.

    My Daughter turned 5 this past Saturday, she was a product of Two People looking to satisfy their sexual appetites, One was a Cheater who Proposed Young but Was/Is ready to Settle Down and was turned Down and the Other was a Player. I was the Former…. I had my wild and crazy ways as a Teen and grew tired of it all, but my Emotions led me to Mess Around and as a result I became a Father.

    While I’ve been seeing the World much more differently from moving amongst and living in ‘hood after ‘hood’, Falling in Love and having a Daughter has drastically changed my views and perceptions on Women. I saw the Foul, Conniving and Reckless Women in my family and Peers growing up, which prompted my I-Don’t-Give-A-Damn behavior- before finding Somebody that Made me Wantand Do Better. This Woman isn’t my Child’s Mother but she’s been there for me during the Greatest and Lowest Moments of my life at 25. The fact that she Forgave me for Cheating & Having a Kid out of that shows how much Greater she Was/Is than I, despite me being Flawed for a good portion of my Existence.

    The “battles” I get into with Sass, WC and a few others is because I’ve Known and Seen Foul Women who’ve gotten away with the same shyte that Everyone-Men & Women-condemn Men for Daily; Yes a Few women get caught and reprimanded but that’s just a FEW, just like there are Some Good and Honest Men out here but the epmhasis is on Some and they get Overlooked just about Always. My Daughter and my S/O-Best Friend have made be Better and continue my progression. It’s not Roses and Rainbow Clouds, N!ggas and Heauxs ARE Winning Short-Term but I’m Proof that They Don’t for the Long Run, either People WILL Change for the Better or they will Fall to Karma and Never Recover

    • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

      ~ Some Good and Honest Men out here but the epmhasis is on Some and they get Overlooked just about Always

      i hear what you are saying, and i respect your point of view, but i also respectfully disagree with this statement. i love and celebrate good men, and i do this not only privately in my heart but publicly in my work. i dig that the mass media would have us see the world another way, but i dont believe the mass media is the only voice to be heard.

      Good Men are worthy of veneration, just as Good Women are. i just wrote about one such man in a story published today, the kind of man i admire and hope to work with in the future, because he is about art, passion, and integrity.

      i may be a “conspiracy theorist type” when it comes to the systematic exploitation of people throughout the world, but on an interpersonal level i choose to see the best in people and celebrate it to the fullest ~*~

      • mena

        That line is on the same level of great women being overlooked. What you are on paper vs what you are to that person are two different things. Good man/woman does not have a universal definition.

        • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

          ~ Good man/woman does not have a universal definition.

          perhaps not, but the spirit of the Good is transcendent and has transformative powers, thus we venerate.

          “Every sinner has a future, and every saint has a past,” Oscar Wilde said, and i think this is why it is possible to feel the spirit of the Good in all who open their heart to it.

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      The “battles” I get into with Sass, WC and a few others is because I’ve Known and Seen Foul Women who’ve gotten away with the same shyte that Everyone-Men & Women-condemn Men for Daily; Yes a Few women get caught and reprimanded but that’s just a FEW…

      I’m resisting the urge to speak in tongues over here. That is the God’s honest truth. It’s just amazing what some conniving women can get away with and get forgiveness for. When you see the horrible things women do, it’s hard to take their sweetness and kindness as something other than a plot to do someone dirty. I know it’s an issue with me, and I’m probably going to have it on some level until they put me 6 feet deep. Still, the idea of a woman being caring and loving in general sounds about as realistic as me winning the lottery, even if I know it’s true.

      • mena

        But Todd, even you admit to only wanting those women in your life at one point. You made the decision to be around crap. What did you expect?

        • Malik

          He didn’t ask to be born.

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          …And Malik nails it. Seriously, I do own my part. Being born isn’t among my part.

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Also, to flip it back to last week a bit, the ones I was out doing my most crazy stuff with are women that I’m still on decent terms with, almost the same way I’m cool with the dudes I ran with growing up. Even though they are male/female friendships, there’s a very male dynamic there, if that makes sense.

      • Keisha

        “Still, the idea of a woman being caring and loving in general sounds about as realistic as me winning the lottery, even if I know it’s true.”

        This made me feel sad for a couple of reasons: 1. Just for you as person. 2. For me as a woman who is in fact caring and loving.

        I cared for someone deeply who had the same mindset. No matter what I did, they always questioned my intentions. As you can imagine, it made things hard and we eventually decided it was best to be friends. Hopefully one day you can work through the hurt/pain and one day love again.

      • H.H.H.

        “Still, the idea of a woman being caring and loving in general sounds about as realistic as me winning the lottery, even if I know it’s true.”

        + platinum

      • SweetSass

        Please explain what I do and alledgedly ‘get away with’ that men do and don’t get away with?

        Classic projection here.

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Bullying people on this site, period. That is what. Certain men were, and rightly I may add, blocked from the site for doing similar things.

          Back to the larger point, I have made clear how my relationships with women in my life have been less than stellar, so say the least. I just wish they were called on it more often.

        • Wild Cougar

          They are fighting the air. If it weren’t you, it would be somebody else

    • Rewind

      The ability to see the good in people is always selective, because negativity breeds skepticism. Yes, it’s not fair that people keep looking at the worst and attributing those traits to all people, but living life teaches you those thoughts don’t matter in the end.

    • SweetSass

      You fight me because you think I am a cheater? Projection much?

      I’ve never cheated on anyone. Ever. Nor would I ever. And I have zero tolerance for cheaters. That is just my moral code.

      • Marshal

        I’m just getting back to this and I never said YOU or WC Specifically, I said Many Women IN GENERAL.

        I swear the two of you are the Joe Scarborough and Sean Hannity of VSB- stating some bullshyte even when there are Facts and Truth out there that can be be easily found but all ya’ll do is ad hommein and bash Men or the regular. Never Once have I heard or seen you two speak about Unfit Mothers or any other form of Foul Women outside of some extreme scandalous-type gossip. GTFOHWTBS

    • Wild Cougar

      Your quest for revenge will hurt you. And only you.

      • Kema

        Tell it!

        “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
        Lewis B. Smedes

        • camilleblue

          ^^^^^THIS^^^^^

  • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

    Interesting point Peej. I just don’t get it.

    It’s not that I don’t love my daughter. I love her dearly. I’m the one who is with her 95% of the time when she’s not in day care. All of those diapers, doctor’s appointments, trips to the park, etc. However, my daughter isn’t a woman as much as she is my daughter, period. If anything, I tend to be a bit more conscious of what boys do.

    Then again, other than stuff that’s obviously feminine (like trying to teach my daughter to wipe back, not forward while she’s on the potty) or stuff like special occasions, where I let my wife take the lead left her family swear I’m trying to turn her into a boy, I, well…raise her like “a boy”. Or at least what I’m told is one. I just call it having fun with a child. So what if we wrestle and headbutt each other. (And before anyone calls ACS in New York on me, it’s *gentle* headbutting.) I do tea…and end up doing it horribly, pretending my tea cup is spiked. And…you get the point. I have no real clue what I’m doing raising a girl. That said, I figure between my female friends and family and my day care, she’ll learn enough about femininity to get by.

    If anything, having a daughter has made me angrier at women. One way in that women are legitimately privileged is that they are respect as parents at all times. Fathers, especially with their children on their own…not so much. I’ve had people repeatedly walk up to me in public talking about how nice it is for me to give her mother some time off. Or, worse, how it’s nice for me to have my daughter “for the day”. There was the fact I found out at the one birthday party for another kid at my daughter’s day care that there were other parties that my daughter didn’t get the invite to because I wasn’t in the mom clique. There’s the fact that my day care provider called my wife and threatened to call ACS on my daughter for what turned out to be my poor hair care skills. (Thankfully, my wife will give me money to get someone else to braid it.) Heck, there’s the fact she’ll call my wife whenever something is wrong, knowing good and hell well my wife shows up at day care like once every 3 months. I could go on, but I think you get the hint.

    I’m not one for fighting people. But if you mess with my daughter, it’s Ezekiel 25:17 in this b1tch. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil women, and all that jazz.

    On the bright side, I think I’m doing my part to maintain the stock of sane women who have decent relationships with their fathers. I dated way too many women with daddy issues, and I figure by taking care of my daughter, I’m also protecting the dating pool for future generations. For that, I should have the right to walk into any kindergarten and steal any boy’s chocolate milk. My daughter will, um, repay the favor later. Trust me. :)

    Oh, and if anyone knows of a good preschool in the Queens/Nassau area, email me at iluminati14@gmail.com. Sadly, this isn’t a good question to ask other dudes. However, guess whose job it is to find one. *smh*

    • LMNOP

      rough and tumble play is actually great for young kids, and a lot of girls don’t get enough physical play. Maybe you can just pack up the tea stuff to bring to the playground where she can have a tea party with some other little girls.

    • camilleblue

      todd…you sound like a great father….and i for one, never get it when people just assume a dad has his child “for the day”…now, i can’t lie…the whole “giving mom a break”…i get why people say(assume) that’s what you are doing b/c it is always assumed that women are doing the most when it comes to children and women do get an automatic pass when it comes to child-rearing…so that “mommy club” that you spoke of…you’re going to have to make the concerted effort to make it be known that YOU schedule the party/play times…i know that’s how it SHOULDN’T be, but it is – for now. i don’t assume to know your personal situation, but maybe you could organize something for your daughter and invite the other kids…once the mothers start to see that it’s all on you, they will start reaching out to you more…if you are the primary parent regarding daycare, then maybe you can list yourself as the 1st point of contact anytime they need to call, and if they don’t do that – GET IN THEIR @SS about it…..oh, and the hair situation with your daughter??? unless she came up in daycare with all manners of lice and whatnot in her head, you should have clowned whoever made that threat….child protective services is nothing to play with just because a child’s braids are messed up. keep doing what you do todd…i hope i haven’t offended you – just wanted to give some some positive reinforcement – from one parent to another.

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Oh, I did get in my day care’s a$$ about that. The issue was that it wasn’t presented as a direct issue with her hair. It was “issues regarding the proper care and hygiene” of my daughter. I made a point of not talking to her that day, because I was thisclose to straight stomping out a woman. The problem was I was using dude logic, and thinking that this was some subliminal shot fired. After all, if another dude did something like this, well…this is why man codes exist, to prevent such events.

        After I calmed down, I asked my bro and dad for advice, and they told me to pull her aside, ask her what the deal was and be as calm and civil as possible. When I did speak to the woman in charge, she bobbed and weaved over various issues, but all of a sudden it came down to the hair. Apparently, I suck at making Afro puffs. :) I’ll never forget what I said in response, “I am a heterosexual male who is not a professional hair dresser. I don’t know how to do a girl’s hair. What do you expect me to do?”

        And, in terms of being a primary caregiver, you have to repeat it over…and over….and over. Numbers have a convenient habit of being “lost” or “poorly written” when someone needs to be contacted, despite the fact my wife’s number is in that same “poor” handwriting. *smh*

        • camilleblue

          “And, in terms of being a primary caregiver, you have to repeat it over…and over….and over. Numbers have a convenient habit of being “lost” or “poorly written” when someone needs to be contacted, despite the fact my wife’s number is in that same “poor” handwriting. *smh*”
          —-

          real talk – FUGG THEM HEAUX!!!….

          i’m right with you on feeling bad that your daughter is missing out on some invites but trust and believe that your baby girl is going to make friends with who she’s going to make friends with…and the parents of those friends will accept/include you and your daughter without reservations…

    • Kaname

      Your 4th paragraph – what you’re dealing with is general perceptions in respect to single fathers in a partiarchial society. I’m sure that you know that the rules of suvh a society dictates that women are the primary caregivers of children and that if a man is out doing the child raising then the woman is incompetent. It’s taking a long time but the dismantling of gender roles will hopefully do away with the stereotypes and discrimination facing men who *do* take a serious and active role in raising their children. The women you mention are part of that society as well and they police the boundaries just as men do because that’s what they were taught/raised to do as well.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Just a question that’s been bothering me- where does this “playing tea” thing come from? Where are young girls actually seeing anybody sit and drink tea?

      • Malik

        Princess movies and television shows where girls pretend to drink tea.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          like what shows or movies?

          • Malik

            My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

            • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

              ponies drinking tea??

              • Malik

                Yup. With their pet alligators.

              • LMNOP

                Lol… this is a staple of kid’s TV shows. They all have tea parties. A lot of tea parties in commercials and books too.

          • camilleblue

            cinderella, the princess and the frog…anastasia, the swan princess, thumbelina…..

            • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

              hmm, ok.

      • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

        it sounds very Queen Victoria. she was on some ishh. in the last hurrah of the British Empire, she colonized minds instead of land.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          Just sitting here mulling to myself…can’t recall ever seeing a real life tea time…ever

          • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

            i feel like my first proper tea was seen in Alice and Wonderland. which is hilarious since it’s pretty much a pedophile’s drug trip, remade as Disney sunshine and sparkles and served up to little girls as “how a young lady behaves.”

            but since then, i have taken to consort with Brits and on their terms, i love tea & sympathy, tho i would rather a bottle of wine and a spliff ~*~

            • Kema

              ” i love tea & sympathy, tho i would rather a bottle of wine and a spliff ~*~”

              I love you!!! lol!

              • http://missrosen.worpress.com esa

                rightbackatcha ~*~

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Hey, my dad’s family came from Queen Victoria’s empire. :) In fact, I wish they were still alive and kicking so that they could show my daughter how to do this son! I mean daughter! You get my point. :)

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        basketball wives?

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          They have “dranks” not tea

          • camilleblue

            stop it!!! lol!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        It really is real though. Like, my daughter used to love tea time. It’s truly amazing.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          I’m sure it’s real, just not sure where the hell it’s coming from. I think we’re pressuring our young girls to pretend to drink tea.

        • miss t-lee

          Teat time was awesome!

      • miss t-lee

        We played tea time as children. Had a tea set and everything. We used to set the table, have faux tea and pretend to eat finger sandwiches…lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      You know, I get what you mean about the “daddy for a day” thing, but I had to learn to let that go. While my daughter’s mother is the primary caregiver, I see my daughter almost daily and she spends significant amounts of time with me. Period. I’m not a weekend daddy in the slightest.

      But it is what it is. Folks view things through a simple societal lens, and that’s currently, women are the ones who have the children and take care of them. I can’t take that personal. All I can do is make sure I’m doing what I’m supposed to do and say f*ck it to everything else.

      You know what it is interesting, in my daughter’s pre-school, there are a significant number of kids, boys and girls, being raised solely by their father. I learned this while attending some of the early parent events and the fathers that were there made mention of this fact. It surprised me as well. So even as a dude I’m still shocked by it when thats the sole form of care. It seems so unusual.

      So it aint personal bruh. Its just how we see things.

      • camilleblue

        yeah….it’s been my experience that the fathers who are out here as the primary caregivers make sure that it is KNOWN that they are the gate keepers…and i ain’t even mad at ‘em…..

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        You’re right PJ. A lot of my anger comes from a) the fact my dad was the primary caregiver with my brother and I, so I don’t have a frame of reference of woman-as-caregiver in my personal life and b) as an adult, I can see how certain things in my childhood went left because of a. Without getting too deep into my family business, it seems like there’s a family tradition in my male line of not choosing great wives. *smh*

        What hurts me about that is, like any parent, I want my daughter to be treated the best way possible, and I’ve seen how some of the adults are already treating her differently that the other kids. That’s what pains me about it.

    • Marshal

      I feel for you, Todd. No offense but I hope I don’t have to go through any of that, but I realize it’s starting even now. Last December I took my Daughter to the movies and Chuck E. Cheese for some Father/Daughter time; outside of the Extrodianary Praise that I, a Father, am Actually SPENDING TIME with my Child, got mroe questions and assumptions that I was giving her Mother “a break” or Some who thought we were Older Brother/Younger Sister rather than Parent/Child (those of VSB who are FB friends of mine KNOW what I’m talking about).

      Just like the Myth of More Black Men are in Prison than in College, the Myths of Majority of Men not being Active Fathers and Very Few Women being Bad Mothers is annoying. People need to quit writing about the Status Quo and start looking at the other side of the coin/lense/fence and see Why it Even Exists like they have been on the current for decades

    • SweetSass

      “I’ve had people repeatedly walk up to me in public talking about how nice it is for me to give her mother some time off. Or, worse, how it’s nice for me to have my daughter “for the day”. ”

      There are two ways to interpret this information and it’s obvious which one you chose…

      First, you chose to see this as a slight on your ability to be a good dad. Which it was.

      What you chose to ignore is what it says about other men. You are *not* mad that other men aren’t as good of fathers as you are. You conveniently ignore the REASON why they assume you are only ‘babysitting’ your kid.

      The benchmark for a ‘good dad’ these days is that they show up for court appointed visitation every other weekend. They get pats on the back for that.

      Let culture tell it… a woman can never been a good enough mom. You gotta breastfeed, quit your job to host soccer/violin/etc., god forbid you hire a nanny or daycare, god forbid you let your kid eat ___, or play with ___, and any shortcoming your kid has are always pinned on you. Never on bad ‘fathering.’ It’s remarkable when a kid is rude in public that someone childs the kid saying, ‘Didn’t you father teach you to do __?” It is always…. “Didn’t your mother teach you to ___?”

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        So let me see if I understand you correctly. An adult woman is disrespecting or otherwise treating my daughter badly. My first instinct in my situation shouldn’t be to think of my daughter, but to empathize with the women and think of all the dudes she has seen who have did their children dirty.

        OK.

        The only proper responses to this will get me banned from this site, and deservedly so. So I won’t do so.

        What I will say is that of the men I know and deal with that have kids, they are an active part of their lives. I can’t encourage them do be more responsible than they are, other than the normal human foibles of life.

        And that is all.

        • camilleblue

          sorry todd – i know you can handle yourself – i just really felt some kind of way about this one…

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            It’s OK. Not a problem. :)

        • SweetSass

          What? We were talking about a woman saying something TO YOU that was obviously intentioned as a compliment ie. you’re a good dad for being around your kid. You said you were offended because they said you were babysitting your own kid. I am saying… you have to realize WHY they think that.

          IDK where you get this being bad to your kid. If that is the case… go ahead… tell her off.

          I thought we were talking about your feelings of being patronized.

        • H.H.H.

          we know, man.

          we know.

      • camilleblue

        “What you chose to ignore is what it says about other men. You are *not* mad that other men aren’t as good of fathers as you are. You conveniently ignore the REASON why they assume you are only ‘babysitting’ your kid. ”
        —-

        I don’t get this one sass – i think you’re reaching….
        …people that clearly don’t know todd (b/c if they did, they would probably already know that he’s the primary caregiver) ASSUME that he’s a “weekend” dad when they see him out with his daughter…but he doesn’t have a right to be upset with that assumption – suddenly he has to shoulder the problems of all men, when he, in fact is a good father??? as a parent, i absolutely understand his anger at that assumption. his relationship with his baby girl ain’t got shyt to do with every other man’s relationship with their children. just from reading your posts i find it hard to believe that if someone incorrectly ASSUMED something about you, that you would say “oh this is the fault of all other women that this person who doesn’t know me assumed this thing about me” as opposed to “you don’t know shyt about me, so keep it moving”….just an observation..

        • SweetSass

          I did say that he has the right to be upset about that.

          “First, you chose to see this as a slight on your ability to be a good dad. ***Which it was. ***”

          But I also pointed out he was ignoring the reasoning behind these people’s assumptions.

          • camilleblue

            but that’s my whole question to you – why does he really have to give any credence or explanation to an assumption made by someone who doesn’t know him – especially people who are very likely complete strangers??? if he did that, he would be explaining himself all day, every day. who has the time and/or inclination to do that?? and let me say that i get your very general broader point about the basis of the assumption, but trust me – when you become a parent, you ain’t got time to be worried a whole hell of a lot about what a stranger thinks they know about you and your child…

            • SweetSass

              He doesn’t have to explain to everyone… but he also can save himself grief or stress by understanding why people say things like that. He can get mad about it or do something about it or ignore it. Fact.

              I am upset by people’s stereotypes of women/people of color. I do something about it. I speak out because it’s important to me.

              If he thinks dads are getting a raw deal, it is his prerogative to combat those stereotypes just like everyone else who faces stereotyping.

              • camilleblue

                i hear you…but it’s not always so black and white. FACT.

                • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

                  Thank you for saying this. Not everything requires a war, nor is going to war over every little thing wise. I don’t need respect in that moment as much as a sense of empathy in my situation. Much like I’m being asked to empathize with people who can’t see a perspective past their own face.

                  • Camilleblu

                    Bottom line for me Todd…..it’s very little that people without children can tell me about how to raise one. That’s some bullshyt…especially when you get down to the nitty-gritty of it all….gtfoh….

  • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

    Ya, they say kids change everything. That’s some scary sh*t.

    • Kaname

      I think it’s because for most normal people you’ve voluntarily (for the most part) entirely responsible for the totality of another person’s life and *all* of society will be the judge of whether you succeed or not at keeping that life in good order (i.e. better not raise any criminals, psychopaths or sociopaths).

    • IcePrincess3

      Hopefully you & hubby will know soon :-)

    • LMNOP

      They change things for the better though (except your finances and sometimes sanity).

      • Dignan

        And thaaaaat’s why I never had kids. My sanity is precarious enough as it is. I don’t need anything to make it worse.