Why Finding The “Right One” Is All About Luck

I usually have a particular topic and the angle I want to approach this topic from already in mind when I sit down to write a post. Some days, this goes even further, as maybe 600 words out of a 800 word piece were already written in my head before I began writing.

Sometimes, though, I’ll start off with a preconceived angle and shift course while I’m actually writing. This occurred yesterday.

My original angle, the idea that was in my head before I shifted to “all relationship advice is bullsh*t,” was that finding the right person might be the most difficult decision any of us ever make. While I do actually believe that relationships should be much, much easier than we tend to make them, finding the right person to begin that relationship with will never be an easy process, and the people who have somehow managed to make that happen were, well, very, very, very lucky. Not skillful. Not determined. Not adaptable. Not ready. Just f*cking lucky. And, as is the case with anything dependent on luck, your success and/or lack of success is dependent on a bevy of arbitrary variables largely out of your control.

For those who don’t think luck plays a major role in finding the one, think of all the conditions that have to be in place in order for it to happen.

(Oh, and for clarity’s sake, when I make reference to “the one” I don’t mean to suggest that there’s only one person out there for everyone. It just refers to a person who you’d have a great relationship with. Each of us can have multiple “ones,” but there still has to be a bit of luck/chance/serendipity involved for you two to meet each other)

This person has to be attracted to you, interested in you, interested in pursuing a relationship with you, compatible, and available. Each one of these conditions also has to be true for you. If any one of these actions are missing — if you’re, for instance, attracted to each other, interested, available, but not compatible — it’s a non-starter. (The worst is when all other things are in place, but the person, for whatever reason, isn’t available)

And, even if all these things are in place, if this person would be a great match for you, you still have to actually meet them. There has to be a point in your lives where you cross paths with each other, and not only do you have to cross paths, you have to interact in some fashion.

You might have met your soulmate yesterday if you chose Wendy’s instead of Au Bon Pain for lunch. You would have bumped into them in line, smiled after saying “excuse me,” been surprised by her pleasant demeanor, made some awkward conversation about the weather or the length of the line, became a little amped (in your head) when seeing that she was interested in the conversation, despite said awkwardness, noticed something on their person that allowed you to extend the conversation (ie: “Man, you Deltas are something else. Do you really need to have an elephant on your keychain?”), made an awkwardly sweet segue to see if anyone was joining her for lunch, and, when finding out that she was taking her lunch to go because she had a staff meeting, did a little cheer on the inside when hearing her follow that with “But, I’ll have more time tomorrow, though.”

But, you wanted a turkey bagel sandwich for lunch instead of a junior bacon cheeseburger, and that seemingly insignificant but totally healthy decision impacted the rest of your life. Instead of meeting your soulmate, you’re just going to end up dating, impregnating, marrying, and divorcing whichever current f*ck buddy makes the best scrambled eggs in the morning.

This — the serendipity involved with meeting someone — is why, for those interested in finding the “right one,” the process involved with finding the right one can be so damn unnerving, so stressful, so difficult. And this, more than anything else, is why I believe that much of the advice offered about dating, mating, and fighting crime just doesn’t have as much value as we tend to think it does. While all of that talk is great and practical and eye-opening and insightful, the one thing we can’t control, advise anyone about, predict, or plan for just happens to be the most important detail: Luck.

Now, does this mean that you can’t somehow increase your chances of being lucky? No. You have a much greater chance at being “lucky” while out and about than you would while crocheting on your couch. And, well, the more improvements you make to yourself, the likelier that more people will find you attractive…another factor that could increase your odds.

Still, with all that said, much of what happens to us is largely out of our control. And, in this sense, luck is like global warming. Whether you believe in it or not, it still has an impact on everyone’s lives.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

  • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

    I agree, but… what are you gonna do. You can’t focus on how unlikely it is that it will ever happen… or it will never happen. One can only maximize his opportunities and stay positive. Its just like ANY and EVERY other desirable thing in life.

    • mellow.

      agreed. i feel this.

      • GypsyCurl

        Cosign…if it is all about luck, I give up.

        Sometimes people have to be a little more open minded about where they meet someone. It can’t be at a grocery store or at the mall or at your job or at the club (sike…how do I scratch through that?)

        • Breezy

          Personally, I think the key is NOT LOOKING AT ALL. People always talk about “places to go to meet someone” (i.e. the grocery store, Barnes and Nobles, Starbucks) and to me that is utter nonsense. I say just let life happen. I do believe is presenting yourself in a certain way at all times but purposely going to these place to hopefully snag a fish seems so…ughhhh.

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            I actually disagree with this. I think if you are not getting what you want from your current activities, the solution isn’t to keep doing the same thing everyday. I agree you shouldn’t just go places to meet men/women but if you want to meet men/women who are different than who you have been dealing with, you have to make an effort to change your own activities, try new places, move around more. I’m not sure what the alternative would be…

            • Rewind

              I think maybe she meant you do go out in a full detective suit with looking glass included to find someone, that you just allow life to run it’s course. But you’re right as well, if you keep meeting the wrong kinds of people, you have to change your game plan.

            • Lola’s Mambo

              WIP you are SO right! I have a friend who is beyond pessimistic about her prospects. She’s a tomboy who loves to run marathons, go on hikes, and do other outdoorsy activities. Yet, here she is trying to meet her “one” at an art school comprised of mostly women and gay men. o_O

              Luck certainly has a great deal to do with meeting someone, but people also have to place themselves in logical situations in order to succeed… and then allow life and serendipity to do the rest.

          • Djuobah

            This!! That is how I met my husband. I was invited to a baby shower that I had no desire of attending. Hell, I think the person that invited me wanted to hook me up with their friend, but I ended up bumping into my husband who at the time I only knew of but never thought much about beside he was a nice dude (helped that he was cute too, lol). Oh well… yes it is luck but it is also being ready (and by ready I mean decently presentable) and also by not looking. Not looking is a better look than someone who clearly looks like they are looking.

            • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

              Awwww…I hate baby showers, but now I want to go to one! lol :)

          • DJA

            I agree with you 1000% and I tell this to my friends. Usually when you are out looking, you end up finding the very thing you don’t want. Why? Because of the energy that you throw out in the universe. When you are actively looking, more than likely your thirsty, lonely, or looking to fill some void in your life and its written all over you face. And like vampires smell blood, the leeches and no-good-for-nothings pick up on it and your vulnerabilities.

            The best relationships I have had (friends, boyfriends, and associates) are the ones I have encountered when I least expected it and wasn’t looking. What VSB calls “luck” I call God. He knows what you need, when you need it, and will allow you to cross paths with the right person at the right time.

    • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

      Agreed. :)

  • Lindi

    I agree. I met an amazing guy waiting to be seated in a restaurant. We had an amazing 7 year relationship. That ended because I wouldn’t give up my faith and become muslim. That I believe was pure luck.

    • nillalatte

      Huh? The woman never has to convert to Islam. It is her choice. So, not really following you there.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Really, Nilla. That’s interesting. So Islam is passed down to the children from the father then? It’s the opposite in Judaism, from what I understand that religion is passed to the children via the mother.

        • nillalatte

          You are correct on both. Islam is the father and Judaism is the mother.

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            See, this is why I like coming here, I learn stuff! One day I’ll be able to use these tidbits of information in a convo an impress people. :-)

            • Gabs

              lol, im with you there, had no clue lol

          • Rewind

            Nilla got that knowledge.

      • GypsyCurl

        Nilla, it is not just about how the religion is passed down. It is also about customs observed and adhering to them. I work around devout Muslims and they don’t want to marry a nonMuslim woman. The younger generation may date a nonMuslim but will not marry her. I am learning a lot about the Muslim religion and Arabic culture so I understand the first commenter’s comment.

        • nillalatte

          GypsyCurl… I was married to an Arab-Muslim. I am aware that some prefer their own when it comes to religion, ethnicity, etc or that their potential spouse convert. I was stating that under the ‘rules’ of Islam that is not required and if you really wanted to go deeper, had she converted for only that one reason it is frowned upon. You have to welcome Islam into your heart openly, not because you want to marry. Religion is for yourself and no other. He was out of bounds to require that if that is the case.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            Word, Nilla! Out of bounds!!!! I understand a preference, but if you meet a good woman and you can marry her, why not do it? Man this really psses me off! Sometimes I feel like people just make excuses…

          • legitimate_soul

            +1

      • NaeNae

        It may not be a matter of her having to convert but realizing that she wanted a Christian man when it’s all said and done…?

        • Asiyah

          That’s totally fine, but she implied that he left or ended it because he wanted a Muslim woman. Everything happens for the best and she will find her mate!

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      Word. The woman doesn’t have to convert. He can’t force you to. The Prophet Muhammad had two non-Muslim wives: Saffiyah, who was Jewish, and Mariyah, who was Coptic Christian. I’m baffled by your guy’s choice!

      • Djuobah

        +1. Some of these brother’s out there be throwing in their own ayats, hadiths into relationships. SMH. You seriously have to know your Islam if you are dating a Muslim man cause you never know what batch of crazy you will get.

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          I’m saying! Excuses, excuses. Men are full of those.

  • Ttime

    …this article piggybacks on what I’ve always said all along about meeting Mr./Mrs Right…it IS all about luck. Think about it…there are 6 BILLION people on the planet; but somehow, someway, you just happen to meet your “soul mate” in your EXACT geographical region?! What if your perfect mate lives in New Zealand, Brazil, Cambodia? If this is the case,it is likely you’ll never meet.

    If we’re gonna be honest, we’re all just making it work with whom we happen to meet in close proximity to us…sometimes it works out for the better, sometimes not. It’s all just the luck of the draw, if we care to be honest with ourselves…

    • nillalatte

      See I would buy into this, but my ex is from the Middle East. So, you never know. Someone that could be perfect for you could be from across the world and you have yet to meet. That doesn’t mean you won’t. If it is meant to be, it will be… at least that is the way I view it. The guy I’m seeing now is Filipino, but born and raised in Frisco. Also, not sure I believe in the ‘soul mate’ concept.

      • Yoles

        i never bought into the soul mate thing either… there are billions of people currently alive on earth… some are good matches for each and some aren’t…. using math, logic or just plain ole common sense its safe to assume each person has multiple good matches, that they may or may not have met or throwing in the luck concept will ever meet…

        • Ttime

          Exactly…and if you buy into the ‘soul mate’ cliche, that means if your ‘soul mate’ unfortunately dies at a young age, then you are destined to be alone for the rest of your life.

          I look at someone like Pierce Brosnan…he was happily married to his first wife for over 20years, until she died of caner. Then he met his second wife and now they have been married for over 15 years and have two sons. Just imagine if he had believed there was no one else for him after the first love of his life died.

          • Ms. Bridget

            You’ll be alone forever you your relationships won’t be quite right…

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          “i never bought into the soul mate thing either…”

          I believe in more than one soul mate because, to me, soul mates aren’t just people you marry and/or sleep with. They can be lifelong friends.

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            “They can be lifelong friends.”

            I agree with that.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

      If we’re gonna be honest, we’re all just making it work with whom we happen to meet in close proximity to us

      TRUTH

      • Huh Bruh

        Yep! And depending on your intuitions/dating habits/ability to keep it in your pants until you at least check the price tag, it’s a straight up crap-shoot.

    • http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

      This whole thing explains how I’ve felt for a while. In two years I have travelled to six different countries and lived in two. Being constantly on the move makes little time for a relationship but many opportunities for trysts ;) I’ve meet people from opposite ends of the world who fell in love when they both happened to be hiking in Nepal. Lucky bastards. Its hard enough to find the one in a city you’ve lived in your whole life. When you realize how many people are on the globe (then factor in your prefrences, location; subtract sociapaths and shiz) it becomes apparent that some of us settle for the nearest non-sociopath and call it a day. The rest of us are either lucky or crazy.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        “…some of us settle for the nearest non-sociopath and call it a day.”

        Lol. I think that is a good assessment of many relationships.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Though are assuming that someone you judged a non-sociopath is in fact a non-sociopath. LOL

      • Thai

        Being in China I actually fantasize about meeting that possible multicultural being ill bump into in a dumpling shop because he’ll compliment me on how well I eat with chopsticks for a foreigner. Le sigh. (i don’t like dumplings either)

    • Editgirl

      You do know people meet in locations other than their hometown and local areas? At a wedding, I sat next to a couple that met during a trip to Spain. The now-husband lived in San Francisco at the time and the now-wife lived in New York City at the time. They began a long distance relationship, his company was bought for millions and he moved to NYC.

      • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

        but some people think too hard about that stuff. Like, yeah we’re both from DC and happened to meet in Greece, but that doesn’t mean it was destiny for us to meet. I was just looking for another Black person.

        • Editgirl

          I’m sure they didn’t think it was destiny either. I am making a point that you’re not limited to your zip code. It’s your decision to not do long distance relationships. It’s your decision to, say, whore while in a foreign country or act like a normal person and let things “happen.” It’s all about our choices and mind set.

          Fate or luck isn’t stopping you. Your choices are.

          I’m using “you” as a general term.

      • Ttime

        Yes, I get that we have the potential to meet people from outside of our hometown…that was not my point. I know people travel and relocate. My point was if one’s PERFECT match lives in the Philippines and never travels to the USA and vice verse, then he will never meet his perfect match. As a result, all of us are only choosing from the people we happen to come in contact with–like stated in the article about going to lunch at a different location instead of the one where your potential mate was eating.

    • Rewind

      Hence why in the technology age, we are at a greater advantage than past generations to meet people from all over the world. It’s hard to tell what kind of person is perfect for you, but I do believe love can come from anywhere. Hell, I got a friend in Canada that met her husband from Australia on X-Box Live. 3 years forward, they got a kid and been married for almost 2 years now, it’s awesome.

    • griffdamagician

      Luck is set a big deal, but opportunity definitely favors the diligent…
      Its like if you shoot enough bullets you are gonna hit something…So the more varied your approach and experiences the better chance to be “lucky”

    • Gabs

      i agree with u,i suppose for clarity’s sake, people come from all over the world but the proximity thing is true, for example i come from zim, but i am living and working in SA, and i am dating a South African woman,… we met by luck or divine appointment i dont know.I could date a woman from my own country but i cant for that. I have to make the most of my present situation simple

  • nillalatte

    No wonder I suck at relationships. I lost my luck of the Irish gold piece a long time ago. Oh, every now and then the ‘luck’ will come, but in relationships… oh how the leprechauns love to play with my heart.

    • Huh Bruh

      It’ll happen. Maybe you need to give those little guys a kick to the nuts.

      • nillalatte

        Leprechaun nuts. lmao… for some reason that just sounds so wrong. lol

        • Huh Bruh

          LOL I know…makes you think of pistachios.

          • mortal

            ^ lol

        • African Mami

          I call LilWayne n his lookalike crew leprechauns! now add nuts, *pukes*

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            Lil Wayne is the offspring of a leprechaun a gargoyle and a garden gnome.

            • African Mami

              *DEAD*!!!

              Val darling you have officially MADE my night!! Say warr now?! ROFLMAOOOO!!

              I always shed a tear for Lauren London. You CAN sex him but NOT reproduce. Use as many condoms as possible, at a go!!

              • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

                No one in the history of the world has lost a career as fast as Lauren after she had his baby. A true cautionary tale.

                • African Mami

                  Word to the wise, leprechauns have that vodoo on lock,not in a good way doe!

            • nillalatte

              “Lil Wayne is the offspring of a leprechaun a gargoyle and a garden gnome.”

              Hollars!!! OMG… that is some sort of picture! rotflmao…

        • African Mami

          Quuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeen,

          Are you referring to the hung low thangs of men, or are you talking about edible nuts from a tree?! Oh miiiiii gosh! I’m talking about the edible kind…………………

          • Huh Bruh

            LOL We were, but my ignant mind drifted to snacks. I think I’ve been at work too long.

            • nillalatte

              ^^^ What he said. lol

    • Rewind

      It’s alright Goldilocks, you still got it.

  • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

    Maybe we all should go back to arraigned marriages? I hear they have an extremely high success rate. Plus, all that dating stuff will become a thing of the past. Just grow up, go to college, post-grad and then your parents will have a nice spouse chosen for you. Easy as pie!

    • Jaxx210

      Lol I agree

    • Huh Bruh

      Think about all of the screwed up people you dated that your family couldn’t stand. Who knows…maybe they could have done better.

      A former employee of mine just got married and moved to another state. Her parents arranged a marriage for her. About a year ago, she and I talked before she went to meet him for the first time. It was foreign to me but that was normal in her culture (Hindu). Her parents sought out other couples with single sons. Once they met the family and decided they liked him/them, the two were allowed to meet and begin the process. Some of the women at the job snickered and gossiped about it. (You know how we do.) The guy was nice, successful, and had a good upbringing. She was head over heels for him. The wedding was beautiful and I’m happy I was able experience seeing someone go through the process.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Yep. In Western culture we are fed fairy tales about finding Prince or Princess charming. We are supposed to go out in the world and find some stranger and fall in love. Trouble is; the state of being in love and common sense have a hard time existing together. So many times we fall for the wrong person.

        With arraigned marriage cooler heads are doing the deciding. They, your parent, know you as well and maybe better than yourself. So they make a decision that’s based upon long term success rather than just being in love.

        And from what I hear those in arraigned marriages do fall in love over time. But prior to that they simply build a relationship based upon shared goals.

        • Huh Bruh

          “But prior to that they simply build a relationship based upon shared goals.”

          You know, I’d take that over blind, broke @$$ love any day of the week.

          • http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

            lol. If you’re Ann Romney “broke @ss love” is your husband selling ya’lls stocks to survive.

            • Huh Bruh

              HAHA! No trip to our private island this year. We’ll slum it and go to Aspen.

              • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

                Now see, you must be part of the half of American that Mittens says don’t pay any taxes and are just waiting on hand outs from the gubment. Lol

                • Huh Bruh

                  I read about that today and it made me all kinds of mad. I understand that Romney is fighting an uphill battle and he has to get the majority of the male caucasian vote if he wants to win, but I just want to kick a leprechaun in the nuts (upthread) when I see someone pander for votes based on stereotypical, race bait bulsh!!!!!!!

                  • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

                    Yep, it was total race baiting. The lame-azz mainstream media won’t call him out on the racism though.

                    • Marshal

                      That “Hiddend Video” was disgusting as hell, which will further prove that IF Romney wins, it will be beacuse of Hate for Obama and the Futility of Race Relations and not that Repblicans/Tea Party actually WANT to Fix the U.S. Over 235 years and the Progress from the Civil War and the Civil Rights Movement seems to be a moot point based on this current election, and I feel like I really gotta look in the mirror, look around outside at the people among me and read books, magazines and news articles to try and understand why people who look like me can’t Unite for longer than a Tragedy, as well as those who Don’t look like me Hate that my ancestors jst wanted to be treated as Real People and Equal……

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          And that nails it. Also, so long as your family isn’t on some complete BS, you know the families involved get along and will provide a natural support system. After all, they wouldn’t have gotten you two together if they didn’t see where the other family was rolling to.

          Alas, American society is way too fractured and atomized for that. Also, I have a horrible fear of being fixed up. My friends and family know I tend to pull my girlfriends out of nowhere. I like dating and family to be as separate as possible.

          • GypsyCurl

            My family does not know me well enough to fix me up.

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            “Also, so long as your family isn’t on some complete BS, you know the families involved get along and will provide a natural support system.”

            I think that is one of the keys to the success of these type marriages.

      • Wam

        a friend told me of a similar scenario where a hindu girlfriend was talking about having an arranged marriage.. My friend and her friends asked her why she would agree to that in this day and age.. her answer has always stuck with me.. she said ‘my parents know me better than anyone in the world and no one wants me to be happy more than they do. Why wouldn’t I trust that they would excel at picking a spouse for me?’

        I threw that idea at my ma but she aint having none of it… says I am too picky! ha!

    • African Mami

      Arranged marriages in Africa, as I have come to know them, are founded upon ideals of patriarchy and class systems. No, thanks!! Kudos to the Indians!!

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Yeah, I imagine it’s different in different cultures.

    • Thai

      I was thinking about this the other day. It only seems far fetched to many of us born of the western world but…you may be on to something Val.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Yep, in the West we are socialized to believe in fairy tale love. I wonder, especially considering the failure rate of American marriage, if arranged marriage will ever become popular here?

    • GypsyCurl

      Lol “arraigned”! My mind went straight to Law and Order; I’m hearing the chimes and all…#badingding

      Arranged marriage? I’ve seen the Indian people and their arranged marriages. No ma’aaaam. You end up with a short bucked tooth brotha with premature balding.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Lol. You caught my sleepy misspellings.

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      Arranged marriages are supposed to be like setups, not, you know, where you don’t meet the bride or groom until the wedding, things like that. I mean, the bride and groom have a hand in it too lol so in that sense, I wouldn’t mind an arrangement, provided that the decision is ultimately ours and we don’t feel forced into it. It’s still an arrangement the way, say, a blind date is, but not a compulsion or obligation. I have a HUGE problem with obligations. Like all of my faculties shut down when I feel forced to do something and then I just go to sleep or eat a cupcake lol

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        “It’s still an arrangement the way, say, a blind date is, but not a compulsion…”

        True, but there is a certain pressure to move forward after a partner has been chosen. And I’m not sure if that is a bad thing. Sometimes a little push toward commitment is a good thing.

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          Exactly, but the arrangers need to be understanding and empathetic as well and realize that if the people don’t hit it off, it isn’t personal. Not everyone clicks.

    • Rewind

      I was about to disagree, but I remember now my current relationship was arranged. It’s kind of creepy how people who care about you might actually know exactly what kind of person you need.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Yep, they have the benefit of seeing us from the outside. And really, as parents like to say, they’ve known us longer than we’ve known ourselves.

        • Rewind

          Well this was done by a family friend who is like a second mom to me. But I also realize some parents really don’t know their kids at all, and just project what they want their kid to have.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      Seriously, this doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. If you’re going to end up settling for that not-so-hot and not-so-interesting spouse, you may as well settle for one that at least as some redeeming qualities that your family can see. Andsince your family picked him, he would risk making the whole crew mad if he ever cheated or what not.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        True, family/ community pressure to succeed is a big part of why arranged marriages work.

  • mellow.

    perhaps Champ… but how melancholy a life would i lead if i never had faith [another important ingredient in serendipitous occasion that is "the right" relationship] that at some point this ‘luck’ would be on my side?

    on an unrelated note, your Delta hate is killing me softly.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Realest isht ever. I don’t know anyone who was in a long lasting relationship or got married because of a dating website, mixer or some other event where you’re supposed to meet folks.
    Want to know how my co-worker’s sister met her husband? She was driving through rural Tennessee and her GPS and cell phone wouldn’t work, so she pulled into an emergency room to ask the receptionist for directions. Her future husband’s nephew left his skateboard in the kitchen, and he was in the ER because he stepped on it and broke his elbow. The two turned out to live a few blocks away from each other in San Diego.

    My friend got married over Memorial Day weekend. Her mother and his mother met at a conference, and found out their children were about the same age, single and lived in DC.

    • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

      Yep, you can do all the looking you want but happenstance is usually the deciding factor in who we end-up with.

    • GypsyCurl

      Now your just quoting from the movie “He’s just not that into you”. Lol Yes these things happen but not for everyone. We shouldn’t look to other peoples experiences. We all want that story to tell of how we meet. And it is supposed to be so romantical.

    • Kema

      Don’t sleep on the dating sites though. I put my best friend on to pof and she just celebrated her 1 year wedding anniversary. Plus I believe WIP also had success with a site.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        This is true. Match.com. Counting down to the wedding date.

        • Breezy

          My coworker meant her husband on there too. They have been married for 5 years now.

        • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

          Even celebs use those websites. Essence Atkins met her husband on Match.com.

    • GirlSixx

      “I don’t know anyone who was in a long lasting relationship or got married because of a dating website, mixer or some other event where you’re supposed to meet folks.”

      I do!! A friend of mine met her husband on match.com 3 years ago they are now happily married with a 1 yr old son. Chemistry and compatiability plays A HUGE PART in these type of settings.

  • Silent Cee

    I never comment but I had to with this one….. There are not enough words for me to tell y’all how right on time this article is. So true.

    • WayUPThere

      “There are not enough words for me to tell y’all how right on time this article is.”

      Must be the luck of the draw….sorry, someone had to say it. It was a layup!

  • shogun

    I’d believe luck had more to do with it if I actually believed in soulmates. However, I think relationships are way more of a function of two people both working towards having a great relationship than a person just luckily being in the right place/right time and meeting their soulmate. You can say there is a factor of luck in that you can actually meet someone who is willing to be in and work on building a relationship but their are lots of people out there like that. Luck will always be a part of the factor (you are lucky to be born where you are and not in somewhere like Lybia) but what you do plays just as much of an impact.

    • African Mami

      ummmm, Libya is/was GREAT!! Thank the West for its current state.

      • Shogun

        Not trying to hate on the motherland, it’s just the first thing that came in my head when trying to think of a war torn state. Thank our biased western media

        • African Mami

          ummmm….mmmkay!

          I urge you to go outside the western media sources…….for TRUTH.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      “However, I think relationships are way more of a function of two people both working towards having a great relationship than a person just luckily being in the right place/right time and meeting their soulmate.”

      agreed.

    • MJoy

      I completely agree. The luck comes in meeting someone you’re compatible with (which honestly isn’t that rare and “serendipic”) but it stops there. A successful relationship has nothing to do with luck and all to do with the work you put into it.

  • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

    The truth is that most people have such long lists of must haves in another person that it’s a wonder anyone ever gets together. Must be of a particular religion, ethnic group, education level, income, height, weight, skin-tone, kind of hair, what kind of family they came from, etc., etc., etc. It just never stops.

    • nillalatte

      LOL… I’m definitely NOT one of those. Oh, I have my preferences, but overall, I mostly seek out men that are loving, caring, giving, and family oriented.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Come on, Nilla, no height requirement? Weight? Age?

        • nillalatte

          Requirement? Can’t say that I have. Okay, wait, must be over 18. :D LOL Momma ain’t going to jail and I ain’t no pervert! :D I have preferences. I like men taller than me. My ex was maybe 2inches taller than me and my current guy is 6′ 2′. Weight goes up and down on most of the men I’ve known. I think that’s because they become comfortable and they start to gain weight. I have pounds too, so I ain’t one to be talking about someone elses weight.

    • African Mami

      *waves @ Val*

      I like my chocolate dark, very dark if possible.

      Oh NOW, I do have ETHNIC reservations!! Once you tell me you are from a certain part from Africa, that’s it. DUNZO.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        *waves back* :-)

        What parts of Africa are a deal breaker, AM?

        • African Mami

          Not what parts, BUT which country-Morocco! DUNZO!!

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            What’s up with Moroccan men? Are they over-bearing? Too old-fashioned?

            • African Mami

              girrrrl, all that and then some.

              On a serious note, my issues with SOME of them, are largely based on skin color and off color comments!

              • Thai

                I’ve met many Moroccans. Colorism at its finest. And don’t tell them they African…just don’t do it.

                • African Mami

                  These are my pippoz but sometimes, I wonder if they really are my pippoz!

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            I’m with Mami. Moroccans…nope. Don’t like Egyptians either. However, I’d give a good man a chance in spite of my reservations if he really is good and treats me and others well. Just that I’ve come to find myself growing irritated with Moroccans and Egyptians for their “we’re not African or Arab” diatribe. I like people who have pride in their roots, not ethnocentric or delusional about it.

            • African Mami

              I sooooo wannnna like hug you right now!

              Hi-5 mama!! YAP! BAM.

              • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                I will HIGH-5 first, then hug lol :)

      • Huh Bruh

        This is too funny because my sister-in-law says the same thing. She and her friends won’t talk to men from Nigeria.

        • African Mami

          give me a NIGERIAN man any day, anytime!! Most preferably an IGBO! Ow!!! Lawwwwwd hammmmmmmercy!!

          These brothers know how to woo a woman! *fans sef and faints in the process of reminiscing*

          Why don’t they like my brodas?

          • Huh Bruh

            They say that Nigerian men tend to be too agressive. They’re Ethiopian, so maybe there could be some other issue.

            • African Mami

              ooooh I see!

              aggressive is not quite the word, I’d use, assertive. East African men, tend to be very mellow as compared to their West African counterparts. I see where they are coming from.

              • Huh Bruh

                Thanks for putting that into perspective.

              • MJoy

                Nigerians straight up scare me! I know it’s a cultural difference but they are so forward and fall for you QUICK, you can’t tell if they’re the greatest guy in the world or closet serial killers. I prefer to know the difference.

                • African Mami

                  loool!! You are on to something. But, in MY experience, I’ve found those that are extra with it, are in need of one thing, and one thing only-”PAPERS”.

                  • MJoy

                    hahahahahaha. My sister dated this African man once who was all kinds of in love (after three weeks) so I asked him if he needed a green card and he was soooooo offended. They broke up… he lives back in Africa now. mmmhhmmm.

    • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

      You add to that rules like “he’s got to approach me”, “he’s got to ask for my number”, “he’s got to call first”, etc and you see a lot of people are playing a game against themselves. Some dudes don’t even be knowing you’ve got interest and then 2 years later find out about a missed opportunity.

      • kid video

        “he’s got to approach me”, “he’s got to ask for my number”, “he’s got to call first”

        The dating game could be more interesting if more women approached men…you might find tha right one, if you only ask.
        And for those women who are afraid of being rejected…you won’t be.

        • Marshal

          ^^^^ This is why this whole Gender Equality talk is nothing like a Joke; Recongnition by Title over actual Substance is more of what “some” women are about. The Few Women (and Men) who like and live both Traditional and Modern qualities are like the Rare, Undiscovered species of Mankind that need to be advertized, rather than the staus quo of Useless Rhetoric of what a Man/Woman “should” Do/Not Do/Say/Not Say in regards to Relationships

        • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

          I keep waiting for that to be the next step in the evolution of the dating game – when an average woman (not just the woman who knows she can have any man in the bar) has to gather the confidence and walk across the room and talk to a guy she likes and risk having to do that walk of shame back to her friends. But I doubt it ever happens. I mean what’s the point of risking embarrassment for a guy who could be Mr. Perfect if a bunch guys who probably have more game and more confidence are gonna approach if she just sits and looks nice.

          • Justmetheguy

            I doubt it’ll get popular either and I’m glad. Let us have all the fun :) but seriously though I’ve only been single a lil over a year and I’ve had 3 women approach me already (they weren’t gorgeous either, just pro-active). In other words, not all the ladies are slippin on their pimpin like the majority of yall

            • Yoles

              so what did you do the the non beautiful that approached you????

              • Justmetheguy

                Well quite frankly, now that I think about it one of them WAS beautiful, and wouldn’t you know that’s the one I screwed up and missed my opportunity on because I was too busy watching the Mavericks whoop up on the Lakers in the playoffs that year? Smdh, I was also a lil uncertain (“is she hittin on me?”) and thought she was gonna be there in 15 minutes when the game went off, but I couldn’t find her (she did say her brother who was in the military was in town from Germany), and that taught me a valuable lesson.

                The other two were definitely above average and I ended up smangin both. I still mess with one of them every now and then (but she lives 45 mins away and gas ain’t nothin to play wit). If I would’ve been at the stage where I was down for a relationship I would’ve certainly been open to takin it there if that’s what you were wondering.

                • legitimate_soul

                  Ya, see where that Laker hate gets you? LOL! I kid, I kid! Like or hate whatever team you want, lol!

          • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            Ha! That will never happen. Hips, Tits, Ass = Power

            • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

              pretty much

          • Kandi

            Umm well I definitely did that this past weekend and after pushing my way over a crowd of people when i got there I was rejected albeit respectfully. It was a humbling experience and my ego is still bruised. Oh well.

          • mellow.

            no sarcasm: WHY is it necessary I become the aggressor or else I ain’t bout that relationship life? I REALLY want to know why yall [the collective] think this is a win/prefer this?

            • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

              If you see mr right and he doesn’t see you, or notice that you may be ms. right, then you have at least two options, (1) let him know that you may be ms right (2) do nothing. All I’m saying is that option one is uncharted territory for many.

              • mellow.

                hmmm ok..i genuinely just want to know the why of it…so I can rock with: the possibility of missed opportunity

            • Justmetheguy

              I don’t prefer it personally (approaching is a lot of fun regardless of the outcome) I don’t mind a woman approaching either though. Whatever’s clever ya dig?

              • mellow.

                lol, got it.

        • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

          @Kid Vid

          Women may not approach men the way men approach women but they definitely give signs and signals that they’re interested. I see it all the time. Problem is many men miss it. Lol

          • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

            So if a tree falls and don’t nobody hear that joint, then does that make me deaf or yal just mute?

            • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

              @AfterMath

              Nope, not deaf, just inefficient. :-)

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        the issue that I have with that though is that I meet a lot of guys who say they’d like it if the woman made some kind of move and yet when a woman does, they put her down for it or label her “masculine.” So I’m really confused about that. I would never ask a guy for his # (unless it was purely friendly) but I wouldn’t mind calling first. I just feel men should be more honest and consistent about this.

        • Rewind

          I think it depends on the person. Not everyone knows what they are asking for. I’d like a woman to hit on me, but I’ve been completely oblivious when it is happening to me, because I am not used to it at all. I literally need someone to hold a sign saying “I AM HITTING ON YOU” for me to know.

          • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

            I’ve been so oblivious because a woman’s pickup line isn’t how we do it, or its not how we imagine it to happen. In my experience, its been her throwing gentle hints and laughing at these awkward times (at my unfunny jokes) and its hard to realize its happening. If they were bold and like, “so can I call you sometime” then it’d be over and done and we’d have something. But normally I get a good conversation at the bar but unless I take the initiative and try to holla, it goes nowhere.

            • MJoy

              That’s because our flirty conversation IS our way of hitting on you. Woman can easily say “Oh, please” and walk away (the mean ones anyway) but if she’s engaging and flirty and especially touchy, in her mind she’s screaming, “JUST ASK ME OUT ALREADY!” But men need things more direct. I personally always approach men if I like them but it gets overbearing when a guy wants me to call, me to ask him out, me to do everything. I will approach you, make it CLEAR that I’m interested (I’m devastatingly forward) and then it’s your turn buddy!

              • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

                see, it depends on the guy and the guy’s mood and his psyche and all that. Maybe he’s just getting over a relationship and isn’t really thinking about starting another one. Maybe he just did the walk of shame and is trying to recover his confidence enough before asking again. Maybe he was just looking for a conversation and is saying to himself that he appreciates it for what it is. Or maybe he’s just shy.

              • Rewind

                OOOOOOOOh. damn. See that happens to me a lot, but the look on their faces never seem anything like “I’m digging you”…so I just go about my business the way I want to. I think because I’ve been friends with women all my life, my ability to gauge interest from them is jaded.

                • MJoy

                  then just go for it. no harm in trying

                  • Rewind

                    True. But I’ve got to get my act together, I’m too stuck in my head when it comes to talking to women, unless I’m liquored up.

                    • MJoy

                      I try to act like it’s no big deal… notice that if you’re talking to someone for a friend you’re completely relaxed and you come off funny and witty and wonderful but if you’re working on your own behalf you’re stumbling on your words and saying dumb azz nonsense. I try to pretend this person’s no big deal (which they’re not at that point) and pretend I’m checking them out for a friend. That and being funny will take you far…

                      …and being liquored up :p

                    • demondog06

                      i’ve had chicks try to pop at me. but they’re usually over 40 and obese. and they are very aggressive! it was uncomfortable because i’m not a mean dude and i didn’t want to hurt their feelings and i have asshole friends thats on the sideline instigating and putting me on front street.
                      it does make life a tad bit easier when you’re in a crowded place that if someones interested they let it be known instead of makin a nicca pop at every gal in the spot…which makes a nicca look too thirsty.
                      however in my case, when a plain jane to attractive women does approache me i swear i can be so clueless, because i’m not use to it. and after the fact, i bang my head against a wall thinking “you idiot! she was tryin to choose you dude!”

                      but that bein said i’m still from that school of thought that says; if you see something you like, go get it! don’t wait for it to come to you.

                    • African Mami

                      @ demon dog,

                      Your school of thought and mines are <<<<<<<>>>>>>

                      Life is too damn short, to waste it on nerves.

                    • Rewind

                      @MJoy…you so craaaazy.
                      Really though, my problem is I only can be myself when I’m comfortable, otherwise I am socially awkward. If I’m around my friends, I can relax and let it hang. Got some drinks in me, I’m the life of the party. Otherwise, I need to be comfy or build up to being comfy to talk to girls, and I have to work on that because I know I’ve missed a few good oppurtunities.
                      @ demondogg, see I understand exactly what you’re saying. Having those old obese women coming after you…I’ve even had a 50-year old lesbian come at me, I didn’t even know how to properly respond to that. But like you said, you just keep trying until we stop being clueless and finally get it.

            • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

              I’ve thrown gentle hints, only for the guy to think I’m planning our wedding and naming our babies. It’s not that serious, bro.

              • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                This. I’ve found that MOST of the time, the guy takes it too far and figures I’m in love or something and engages his jerk mode. He figures I’m easy and starts playing hard to get. That turns me off and I write him off and move on. Men are dumb sometimes.

                • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

                  haha, I can imagine this too. Guys be like, she’s all into me, when really she’s not. But some guys are like that. Just like some ladies are really planning weddings after the first 3 dates or something like that.

                • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                  YES! When he starts playing hard to get, I just ignore him. Then he tones it down later when he sees I’ve ignored his antics. It’s so stupid.

                  • demondog06

                    soooo is it stupid when women play hard to get?

                    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                      I believe it is stupid when women play hard to get. No need to drop everything for the guy, but no need for games either. We’re adults. Come on!!!!

                      FYI, any guy friend who tells me that a girl is playing hard to get with him, I tell him to ignore her and keep it moving. No need for childish stuff.

              • Rewind

                Because usually men are told that girls won’t come after you, so if she does, you’re either extra special or she’s really digging you. But then dudes get too arrogant and screw up everything.

                • MJoy

                  We’re just damned all around

                  • demondog06

                    which is why i say fuk it! i’m gonna move to tibet and become a shaolin monk….

                    • Breezy

                      YOU WONT LAST A DAY! Stalker!…lol

                • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                  “But then dudes get too arrogant and screw up everything.”

                  Bingo. Ease up, homie. Just like you might approach a girl you are interested in getting to know, same with us and men. It doesn’t mean you are planning to marry her. It’s an interest that can either grow or die.

                  • Rewind

                    Yea people have to learn how to be humble.

            • Rewind

              Yea i’m with you, I don’t always recognize a pickup line from a woman, because it doesn’t sound like a pick up line, it just sounds like casual conversation.

        • Marshal

          Those kind of guys are the type that can’t answer questions like they would in school, they freeze up when it comes to Quiz/Test/Exam Time (like me in many of my classes, unfortunately).

          The Person that allows Another to Wield their Power instead of taking over is in Great Position to observe and take notes, which is why I Do give Props to Women who have to sitand watch us Guys approach and persuade Them to be Intersted and give us a Chance; Women who do the Approaching get to use their “Non-Sexual Power of Persuation” to get Men Interested, and that’sactually a Mental Turn-On and goes a long way to get a Man to look at/want to Be With a Woman for Things other than Sex…..

        • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

          Yeah, that’s part of the paradox of it. But yal do it too. Sometimes we approach and yal say that we were too eager or too passive. Once you’ve made the walk and said something, you’ve done your part and its in God’s hands. How he responds is how he responds. But just like we (men) do, you’ve got to have a memoryless attitude and not let one rejection stop you from doing it next time.