- i think we probably should get back to work soon. my wife is meeting me for lunch
i’ve always been annoyed to the point of anger by mya and jay-z’s “best of me” (possibly the most forgettable uber-popular rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collabo song in an era –1998 to 2002– defined by uber-popular yet ultimately forgettable rap male/r&b female “no, really: are they f*cking or not?” collaborations) for two completely unrelated reasons:
1. the original jadakiss version of this song is much, much, much, much better. seriously, the jadakiss version is the waffle house to the jay-z remix’s wendy’s breakfast, and it saddens me and the ghost of lil kim’s fourth face to know that there are people who don’t even know this track exists
2. jay-z’s “have an affair/act like an adult for once“? line in his second verse
you see, i’ve always taken umbrage to jiggas suggestion that my insistence on fidelity is basically just a product of immaturity. who was he to tell me that every grown man had a mistress, and that my unscrupulous friends and teammates were more mature than my self-righteous ass?
sometimes i’d even scream “i’m grown too, maricon¹ muthaf*cker” at the tv whenever this wretched video came on, before getting too distracted by mya’s myaness to even continue to care.
it wasn’t until sometime earlier this year that the realization hit me like a bag of dicks²:
every man does in fact have a mistress…including me
sometimes its an ex-girlfriend we’ve kept in contact with because we know she’s always only one word from go. sometimes its a co-worker we share so many inside jokes and lunch runs with that we almost don’t mind it when the chili’s waitress assumes we’re not splitting the check. sometimes its the cute barista at our favorite starbucks you always exchange “i’m probably a bit happier to see you than i should be” smiles with. and sometimes, well. sometimes that mistress might just be our mom
you see, regards of status or station, every man has at least one source of validation in his life outside of his significant other that reminds him of how attractive, funny, and unique he is; a perpetual legitimizer we (usually) have no real interest in sleeping with that thinks we’re the shit, laughs at each of our corny jokes, and doesn’t remind us that we’ve told them that story three times already.
in theory, we should get this validation from our real relationships. and, in theory, we actually do. girlfriends and wives are the shit (mostly).
but, although knowing that your significant other still finds you (somewhat) attractive is all that counts, its not all that matters. the need to know that we’re still interesting and desirable to others dissipates but never disappears. and, what separates us from women is the fact that while (most) women can’t walk a block and a half without someone letting them know they’re still desirable in someway, (most) men don’t have this same luxury.
this is where the mistress steps in, providing a breezy recess session for our psyches; an admittedly superficial reminder of who we think we are when we look in the mirror after our morning push-ups puff our chests.
in fact, in a couple of weeks, my dearest mistress and i will celebrate our two year anniversary. although we never have or ever will sleep together, we’ve grown closer and closer with each passing day. and, just like every other mans own personal mistress, she completes me in a way no mere girlfriend or wife ever could. i always know that when i’m weighted down with a typical days mind-numbling minutae, i can simply log on to vsb and see, well, somebody out there still thinks i’m cool, smart, and funny.
moral of the story? jigga was right: we’re all hypocrites…but our mistresses don’t care.
¹i was really into carlito’s way at the time. i’d even say that line with a puerto rican accent, even though my friends told me it actually sounded more irish than anything
²i figure this would be more emotionally and spiritually painful than a “bag of bricks“
—the champ
@ashleyg,
yeah. those are called “compliments”
@ashleyg, my LS actually has a guy at work she refers to as her “work husband” <= I know many women that use that terminology too
Yeah, just went and listened to the original, it’s a completely different song. But I had forgotten about it’s existence until I heard the beat.
@Helagramki,
see? now imagine all the kids out there who dont even know the song exists. its a f*cking travesty
@The Champ, it’s not that much of a travesty. it’s a Mya song. lol. how many people can name more than 5 of those.
hell, 3 of those.
i actually like the remix better.
@Helagramki,
How people could forget
“I got so many bags of money that they won’t fit in the bank
And Ima do this, just like Tony did it to Frank
But im gun’ make sure both ya’ll win
Let him keep the place you move and Ima pay both of ya’ll rent”
Jada is like top 5 of all time, at least when it comes to starting off verses
@Plain Ole Peyso,
One of my favorite lines of his is: Can’t lie all I got is my balls and my vocals / And the only security, I roll wit is my social
@V Renee, Jada is in my top 5 dead or alive
“every man has at least one source of validation in his life outside of his significant other”
“our mistresses don’t care.”
Actually, some do care. Its funny this is tonight’s topic, because I just ended my role as a “mistress” over the weekend. I’ve had a friend for years that’s I’ve filled the role that you described and in the last year I’ve gotten sick of it. This particular cat always gave me a song and dance about how much he loved and respected me and my opinions, how strong and amazing and sweet I am, yada, yada, yada. Whatever. At the end of the day he’s not seriously interested in me and for a while that was OK, but I’m a grown ass woman and at this point I’m no longer interested in being an ego stroke him. You want validation? Find it somewhere else, keeping me around to be your puppy* is played. Its not a good look, for a male or a female.
On the upside at least I realized I was fulfilling this role. I have a friend who is in undying love with a chick and he’s nothing more that a “mistress.” Anytime she is lonely or gets dumped or is having a low self-esteem moment the first thing she does is call him and start joking around with him to make herself feel better. As soon as Dude A comes back and she’s no longer feeling bad she kicks my friend to the back of the bus and he still hasn’t figured out that he’s just there to make her feel better about her. Its sad.
Maybe some ‘mistresses’ don’t care. (Shout out to Rielle Hunter, btw – she’s nuts.) Maybe sometimes it can be a healthy or a good thing for certain relationships, but not always.
*someone who’s always happy to see you anytime you enter the room, constantly giving you positive attention
@Madame Zenobia,
I wish congress would make it legal for wives to b*tch slap mistresses who get outta line. Reille Hunter is first up.
@Madame Zenobia,
Maybe some ‘mistresses’ don’t care
and some don’t even know that they’re mistresses. i mean, the “bus buddy” chick you have convos with every morning at the bus stop on the way to work probably doesn’t realize the purpose she serves in the guys life.
@Madame Zenobia,
“I’m a grown ass woman and at this point I’m no longer interested in being an ego stroke him. You want validation? Find it somewhere else, keeping me around to be your puppy* is played. Its not a good look, for a male or a female”
A-muthaf****in-MEN!!!
I can’t tell you how many of my guy friends always pontificate about how/why I’m single and say I’m an amazing girl blah blah blah, while harbouring not-so-secret thoughts of smashing or wifing me…and yet.. don’t ever step up to the plate (for a myriad of reasons) to do so.
whatevs..they are my twi/cwi (texting or calling while intoxicated) victims in which i talk alll sorts of sh*t and blame it on the (song I wont mention due to the dark cloud that will envelope my fellow VSS)
@Madame Zenobia, Anytime she is lonely or gets dumped or is having a low self-esteem moment the first thing she does is call him and start joking around with him to make herself feel better. As soon as Dude A comes back and she’s no longer feeling bad she kicks my friend to the back of the bus and he still hasn’t figured out that he’s just there to make her feel better about her. Its sad.
ive been this idiot before. then i read iceberg slim.
champ, i like you, but i don’t care how you look at it, having a mistress in any kind of relationship, marriage or otherwise, is an embarassment and totally heartbreaking to the person who doesn’t keep a mistress.
@sharde,
Initially, I felt this way too, but women do it too. Also a woman can be happily married, go out for girls night out and still want to know she still has it. Everybody likes a lil’ validation. However, I totally get your comment and some people go too far in pursuit of that validation and send mixed messages.
@legitimate_soul,
exactly. its fine to get “propositioned” or what have you while you’re out, but when folks have long-standing relationships outside of their own relationship, it’s messy.
@sharde,
thing is, as i tried to get across in the entry, some times the mistress relationship is perfectly harmless. i mean, wheres the harm in looking forward to sharing a laugh and a short convo with the same cashier at borders a couple times a week?
it only becomes harmful when you take it past the superficial level and make plans to see the mistress outside of your usual setting.
@sharde,
Maybe it’s semantics… and the word “mistress” is used for shock value… But, pray tell me, how is VSB bad for The Champ’s relationship for instance? How can that hurt his SO?
The idea of what The Champ is describing boils down to this: as human beings, we all need a little bit of validation here and there. That makes for an all around healthy person –> healthy relationships.
Co-sign with this blog! I see it everyday, especially at work. The married men seem more pressed to get recognition from the women than the single men and share a lot about their lives with the women. Two of my co-workers (both have been married a long time) stop by my office everyday to chat even though their office is on the other side of the building. I also see this with my guy friends who are in relationships/married. They share a lot with women outside of their relationship without “cheating.” They also get a big smile on their face when women find them attractive and compliment them. I think men just need validation that they still got it where a lot of women are happy to get the validation from their man and don’t necessarily need this outside of their relationship.
@Leila,
I think men just need validation that they still got it where a lot of women are happy to get the validation from their man and don’t necessarily need this outside of their relationship.
i think this represents a difference in the way (a typical) man and a (typical) woman in a relationship thinks: while they know that guys on the street still think they’re hot, women seem to be more concerned whether their significant other still finds them attractive, whereas with guys its the reverse (we’re secure that our women find us attractive, but still want to see if anyone else does)
@The Champ, “whereas with guys its the reverse (we’re secure that our women find us attractive, but still want to see if anyone else does)”
Interesting, but I wonder why guys need the validation. I used to tell my last boyfriend over and over how attractive he was, but it seemed to make a bigger difference if he was considered attractive by other women. The validation was very important to him, especially when he was over 30.
@Leila, the concept of work wife/work husband is real. I don’t know if you all watch Grey’s Anatomy but in an old episode Callie even called Bailey the chief’s “work wife”.
Champ, that line in that song used to piss me off too and make me suck my teeth and cuss. Jay was not right, but you might be:
You opened up another line of thought for me. I am definitely thinking about the male point of view you are offering and the flip side. Your point of women getting validation by walking down the street is not quite true. I would take your premise further and suggest the validation is only, well, valid (for lack of a better word) when it is from a source you either respect or find appealing in some way. Attention walking down the street may not necessarily be wanted or it depends on who is doing the validation. I think more sisters will take a long gaze or compliment better from a man they think is foine, than a pimp with a finger-wave, wearing polyester, with three gold teeth (not saying that women want to be ogled by anyone, but if it’s from Idris Elba one might be less offended to say the least). Is it the same for men? If someone is unattractive to you men, do you get the same validation? Do your reminders have to be in a pretty package and in your examples in your post, are all the platonic mistresses attractive to you? Is it a “consider the source” situation (No Jersey) or I’ll take it where ever I can get it situation?
@legitimate_soul,
Street-level attention is still valid to an extent. I think many women become immune to it because the perpetrators of said adoration have no chance in h%ll. But keep in mind that you’ve probably been looked at in a carnal manner for most of your life. Chris Rock, soothsayer that he is, said it best: every man that you’ve ever met since you were 12 has been trying to f*&k you. Street-level adoration is still somewhat of a compliment (albeit an unsolicited compliment), even if it’s not received from someone desirable. It just so happens to be woman’s prerogative to be picky.
Think about it in this way (since you brought up Idris Elba)…as an established sex symbol among sistas, I’m sure this dude could have his pick of any number of beautiful women across the country. However, it’s reasonable to assume that for every dime who openly admits, “he could get it”, there are more than a few buggawolfs out there thinking the same thing. Hence, he also has the capacity to be picky. In other words, just cuz he ain’t trying to hit everything thrown his way doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate the love from afar. This is where the difference comes into play: while most VSBs have rarely (if ever) experienced such obvious, consistent ego stroking, many (if not most) VSS probably get some validation on a fairly frequent basis. Just because everyone who compliments u or expresses interest isn’t desirable/attractive to you, it doesn’t mean that the validation/ego boost doesn’t count.
@DG,
This is where the difference comes into play: while most VSBs have rarely (if ever) experienced such obvious, consistent ego stroking, many (if not most) VSS probably get some validation on a fairly frequent basis. Just because everyone who compliments u or expresses interest isn’t desirable/attractive to you, it doesn’t mean that the validation/ego boost doesn’t count
damn. took the words right out of my mouth
@legitimate_soul,
“If someone is unattractive to you men, do you get the same validation? Do your reminders have to be in a pretty package and in your examples in your post, are all the platonic mistresses attractive to you?”
the optimum mistress just needs an attractive quality (a great sense of humor, a nice smile, etc), but doesn’t necessarily need to be someone you’d actually get into a relationship with. they’re basically fast food for the soul
@legitimate_soul,
You know what, I am not even going to lie… Sometimes, the attention from outside workers (construction builders) and stuff is fun and actually works as a little bit of validation.
I personally don’t mind it too much. (Please keep in mind that walking is very limited where I live, so we hardly ever reach the “harassment” level)
yeah i’m just going to leave this one alone. lol
@Tunde,
you aint a crook, son. you just a shook one
@The Champ, bwahahaha
I’m going to go ahead and be a hypocrite. While I wouldn’t like my significant other to look for another chick to laugh at his jokes or smile all extra at him when he needs an ego boost, I definitely keep a side-smiler or two.
Me and mine got into an argument? He hasn’t complimented me in a while? Dial that number and hear the “you’re the one who got away”s and I can go home to him all chipper-like.
Nothing emotional, we’re not going to dinner, but they make the ego purr.
I get it.
That is all.
@gnarleybynature, Thinking like that will most likely lead to a ” real affair”
@Just X,
Not necessarily. The side-smilers are kept in the contact book strictly for egotistical purposes. For me, at least. I don’t want anything physical or emotional out of them because I most likely already have in the past.
I understand your sentiment though. The need for a side-smiler is dumb anyway, but that’s just the way it goes for some.
@gnarleybynature,
“Nothing emotional, we’re not going to dinner”
definitely a t-shirt
@gnarleybynature,
I was going to leave this exact comment, but I think I’ll just admit to being guilty of the same thing. I don’t appreciate my guy having someone he looks forward to spending 30 seconds of his life with but I’m no different. The way I see it, most guys are use to being some woman’s on the side smile. They look forward to it. It feeds their ego as well by knowing that they can still brighten a woman’s day. It does just as much for them as it does me. It’s a win win.
@Ivy St.,
egggggzactly.
Champ,
The Jay-Z remix is far better than original. The line and verse are the best sexual innuendo in rap. It never got cheesy or nasty.
@knightnick,
we’ll agree to disagree. and by “we’ll agree to disagree” i mean “you’re wrong”
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ, It’s nap time in my classroom and I busted out laughing when I read this. My student said why you laughing? LOL
I would definitely have a problem with my man having mistress of any kind because if it’s someone consistent than it’s emotionally cheating. To have an old girlfriend, coworker or starbucks barista that you’re sizing up as a potential mate if things aren’t right at home is a problem.
At the same time, I’m totally ok with him occasionally flirting. We all do it, and it’s fine as long as you no where to draw the line. I was on the train recently and rode in the cafe cart, a young man asked to share my space and chatted me up for about a half an hour until we got to his stop at BWI. At his stop, he asked for my phone number, and I insisted on my email because I felt like giving my number was too personal. I have/had no plans to ever pursue anything with him. And, will NEVER see him again. Although he did randomly email me two days later and state he was planning a trip to New York and it would be great for us to spend the day together. Awkward.
This is a case of knowing where to end things. I had good conversation, and I’m fine with making friends, but I’m not going to kick it on a daily with someone new (particularly) that feels there is an emotional or physical connection of any kind.
I would have a real problem if my boyfriend was knowing connecting frequently with someone he knows has an interest in him.
@Penscribe,
I would definitely have a problem with my man having mistress of any kind because if it’s someone consistent than it’s emotionally cheating. To have an old girlfriend, coworker or starbucks barista that you’re sizing up as a potential mate if things aren’t right at home is a problem.
is it emotional cheating, though, if you have no intentions on taking the relationship past the superficial level?
welcome and sh*t, btw (i think)
@The Champ, thanks for the welcome. I think this may only be my second time posting but I’m not new to reading.
The thing is, do you have no intention of taking the relationship past the superficial because you are currently in a relationship? If things changed at home, would you pursue something with the other woman (en)?
@The Champ,
Question: even if you do not INTEND to take the ‘relationship’ to the next level, does it not still count as some type of infidelity since there is clearly some type of, well….sumthin’ going on between you and the mistress/mister? I mean, intent is such a legal word and yet it can be used in even this type of situation…..
@Penscribe,
To have an old girlfriend, coworker or starbucks barista that you’re sizing up as a potential mate if things aren’t right at home is a problem.
See, I think this is where things get lost in translation… Validation does not mean, you are sizing up the person as a potential mate.
Heck, I feel validated when a recruiter from a top firm sees my resume and emails me telling me about career opportunities… It doesn’t mean I will leave my company… It doesn’t even mean I will look at their job offer seriously… It just means that my credentials are just that damn good, and makes for me walking with my shoulders a little bit higher. No harm no foul.
@Sula, “Heck, I feel validated when a recruiter from a top firm sees my resume and emails me telling me about career opportunities… It doesn’t mean I will leave my company… It doesn’t even mean I will look at their job offer seriously… It just means that my credentials are just that damn good, and makes for me walking with my shoulders a little bit higher. No harm no foul.”
What a great metaphor for this… I am going to borrow this and share it when trying to explain the champ’s “mistress” philosophy
@Sula, I don’t think a relationship is anything like a employer for numerous reasons that I’ll avoid naming to avoid getting off track.
If another company approached you, and offered a better opportunity than your current employer, it would be damn near career suicide to not consider.
So, if you do think of the other woman as a validating force similar to a headhunter approaching you, then you ARE considering your options with each approach.
@Penscribe,
The fulfillment comes with knowing that you, in-fact, HAVE options- employment or otherwise. Would you really want your guy to stay with you because he thinks you’re his only option? My guess is that it means more to you if he chooses you while knowing that he has other options.
@caballeroso, for some reason I cannot reply directly to your post. Life is about options. If my man needs a headhunter and a mistress to teach you about options, then he’s skipped important lessons in life. And, that is what we’d really need to address.
Like, I said, I’m not against flirting, which actually presents option on a daily basis. But, having someone that is consistent in your life that serves as the “mistress” –that’s a problem.
A) Thank you Champ for reminding me why I’ve had a crush on Mya since her first vid with Sisqo. When that ish used to come on The Box. Yeah, MUSIC. VIDEO. BOX (and I’m 21)
B) It’s actually true. I somehow believe deep down that folks use that “card” on any particular ex, chick that has wink’d at them, sent them an LOL smiley face txt and so on and so forth.
Reason being that we utterly cannot stand being alone and use the title of single to possibly get around all of the b.s. of being committed (when you wanna f*ck around). Why do you think the side-chick has gotten to be a now wanted relationship holding point? Mainly because some folks want to be that on-call partner whenever the people they wanna be with either decide to “consider” leaving or bounce period.
Which begs the question – why be committed if everybody in some round about way could potentially be f*ckin’ everybody?
oh and C) The moment I take a single rap lyric serious is the day that Lil Duval wins a City Council seat and Al Sharpton cuts off his hair.
@Brando,
Which begs the question – why be committed if everybody in some round about way could potentially be f*ckin’ everybody?
why is the sky blue? why is water wet?
@The Champ,
“why is the sky blue? why is water wet?”
That’s some good Ghostface right there!
@The Champ
lol, “Why won’t you let me be great?”
@Brando,
“Reason being that we utterly cannot stand being alone and use the title of single to possibly get around all of the b.s. of being committed (when you wanna f*ck around). ”
Exactamundo. I mean, if you’re gonna commit to someone, effing do it. None of this wishy-washy straying mess. And you know you’re the straying type, don’t get into a committed relationship. Maybe you should embrace being open with your potential partner upfront and do like Mo’Nique. (When I say do like Mo’Nique, I mean do the open relationship thang, not sport cashmere legs at classy award ceremonies). If you don’t want to be committed, man the eff up and act like it. Don’t string someone along who thinks you are committed to only them. I rather you be open about it than hiding in bushes and ish.
@Cheekie,
Hmmm, are we still talking about the same post?
@Cheekie
Mo’Nique and classy couldn’t be seen in public together until 2010. Classy got a restraining order on her since the Queens of Comedy special.
@Cheekie,
extra dead at cashmere legs. bwahaha.
@Cheekie,
Cashmere legs. Hot damn.
The title of this post had me slightly concerned :/ but you’re using the term mistress very lightly, so I can breathe easy, I can understand that men and women, alike, desire to know that they are desirable, regardless of their relationship status….but with that being said I definitely think I have unknowningly fallen under the tag “mistress” to this dude at my job….he is a very attractive male nurse (a million jokes for that I know) who always smiles after he catches me undressing him with my eyes and his scrubs don’t leave much to the imagination or help with my role play fantasies (jk….halfway) :/
@Chalkolet,
is there as much f*cking going on in hospitals as scrubs, nurse jackie, and greys anatomy would lead you to believe?
@The Champ,
lol. I can’t imagine any employee finding the time to really go in on the clock…but we all do a lot of flirting…but then again i am still rather new and who knows what secrets I’m not privy to :/
*sighs* It saddens me that ANYTHING would hit you like a bag of d*cks. I mean who just has d*cks laying around in a bag waiting to hit someone with? Even more disturbing is where did they come from? Are they the parts removed from eunichs before they reach puberty? Or are they the result of every man that has ever dated Lorena Bobbitt? It’s just so mind boggling.
@Redbeanznrice w/Cajun Catfish,
The homeless lady on 75th Street was dumpster diving behind the dildo factory. She bagged a few discarded ones to sell so that she could pay Lester, the manager of the Circle K, back for the can of Pork & Beans she stole last week (her conscious was bugging her). Her initial attempt to sell one brought forth the realization that they were defective so she tossed them aside. The Champ was struck by the tossed bag which became the source of his emotional and spiritual pain. Hope that helps.
@Caballeroso,
thanks for, ummm, clearing that up for me
@Redbeanznrice w/Cajun Catfish,
“I mean who just has d*cks laying around in a bag waiting to hit someone with?”
Lady Gaga?
@Cheekie,
Silliness!!!!
@Cheekie, LMAO…I hate you!!!
@Redbeanznrice w/Cajun Catfish, Girl I’d drink yo fish grease…
Since we use the term mistress lightly in today’s post.. I concur.. every man does have a mistress, hell, if you don’t
just die… well, yah.. one ya’self. But I have to add, that whole charade get’s quite shady the older and longer you grow in age and r/ship. You have to know when to pull the plug on that nonsense, or control it. But all good things come to an end. Just remember, pull the plug, don’t have it pulled on you.. don’t wake up and find your stank ass has been dumped by a “mistress”.. I mean c’mon, she’s really just a side piece, how hard can it be to maintain? LOL.I’m satisfied with getting my lil validation here n there, but I don’t think I’d go out looking for it
says the man who has a dimepiece for a mistress@Officer Ricky,
But I have to add, that whole charade get’s quite shady the older and longer you grow in age and r/ship. You have to know when to pull the plug on that nonsense, or control it.
this is true. most mistress relationships are relatively short-lived. it usually ends once you realize that the mistress is a real person as well
Sorry about the duplicate – my computer conked out, and then timed me out again when I requested deletion of the second message.
@Redbeanznrice w/Cajun Catfish,
request deez
@The Champ,
Oh hush.
@Redbeanznrice w/Cajun Catfish,
did you say something about hush puppies?
Don’t have a mistress. No need for one, I have a huge ego so I do not need validation from anyone.
@Deus Ex Machina,
ok, kanye.
@Deus Ex Machina,
I’m glad there is one of you around.
You’ve done it again Champ…. great post
Sadly, I know all too much about this scenario. My recent ex had his mistress, this chick from his gym. At first I didn’t mind the two of them being friends because I had met the girl and she supposedly had a boyfriend. And above all, even though we were having issues, I trusted him (Not too mention bitch aint have sh*t on me lol). However, I noticed that the two of them were getting a little too close for comfort. She was always calling and texting, always wanted to tell him all her problems, was always trying to find ways to spend time with him outside of the gym.. And that my friends…. was the beginning of the end.
When I demanded that he end the extracurricular sh*t with her, he basically refused for the reasons Champ listed – she was an ego boost, she always told him how great he was yadda yadda.. I b*tched and b*tched to the high heavens but he refused to end it with her, telling me she’s nobody, why I am threatened by her, he’s not interested in her like that. It got to a point where I had to basically curse this b*tch out on FB and tell her to fall the f*ck back.. We ended up breaking up for a multitude of reasons, but this was definitely high on the list for me.
In retrospect, I should not have had to go through all of that for him to get rid of her. He should have respected me enough to not want to keep someone around I was uncomfortable with. But at the same time, I understand why he refused.
I had a similar situation with my ex from college… With my current SO, don’t have that problem yet (that I know of) but he has said to me that I never compliment him and other women/people at the job compliment him more than I do – basically his way of saying in not so many words that if I don’t want him to seek validation from a “mistress” I need to step my game up.
So I’ve tried to be more complimentary and stroke his (fragile) male ego.. It’s not that I don’t think highly of him, it’s just not really my style to d*ck ride anyone.. But I now understand it’s necessary if I want to keep the past from repeating itself.
@BKSweetheart,
Pride is a powerful drug. Don’t let it ruin what you have. Besides, recognizing that his ego is fraile, would it really cause you that much distress to stoke it from time to time? If you’re going to d*ck ride someone, I think he’d be the obvious choice. If he makes you happy, reciprocate.
@Caballeroso, you know, its not really a pride thing. I guess it just never occurs to me?? Because in my mind, I just assume that he knows how I feel about him plus I’ve said all the “you’re smart/funny/handsome, etc” stuff in the past so why do I need to constantly repeat it? I guess i always thought of wanting compliments to be more a woman thing, but i guess men need compliments too..
(Not to mention, when someone already seems pretty damn confident already, I figure you don’t need my compliments *shrugs* Guess i was wrong)
@BKSweetheart,
It’s not the compliments for me. It’s the acts. Maybe I’m different but I don’t need to be gassed. What I prefer is to be acknowledged by acts instead of just “spreading it on thick”.
@BKSweetheart,
“I guess i always thought of wanting compliments to be more a woman thing, but i guess men need compliments too..”
we like food and water and compliments and sh*t too.
@Humble_One – see I’m the same way. I’m more about the acts and the willingness to go the extra mile. Sure compliments are appreciated but like you said, i don’t really need to be gassed all the time to feel validated or as Champ said “legitimized” lol
@BKSweetheart,
“Because in my mind, I just assume that he knows how I feel about him plus I’ve said all the “you’re smart/funny/handsome, etc” stuff in the past so why do I need to constantly repeat it?”
So, if he told you he loves you on Valentine’s day, then he doesn’t ever have to say it again, right?
@BKSweetheart,
(fragile) male ego
I hate seeing these words together. Why cant we say that all egos are fragile, man and woman? Want to see a fragile ego? You ever turn down a woman propositioning you for chex?
@Plain Ole Peyso, well I AM a woman, so no I’ve never turned down a woman propositioning me for chex. Sure everyone has a fragile ego, however some are a little more high strung than others… There is a such thing as having a thick skin ya know…
@BKSweetheart, U never got holla’d at by a letsbehonest?
@Plain Ole Peyso,
“Want to see a fragile ego? You ever turn down a woman propositioning you for chex?”
That’s some truth.
@Plain Ole Peyso,
“Want to see a fragile ego? You ever turn down a woman propositioning you for chex?”
Gospel truth…
@BKSweetheart,
see, your situation is an example of someone taking it too far. most guys will cut the mistress off if it gets to a point where the girlfriend/wife starts feeling uncomfortable about it. but, obviously your ex refused, which suggests that their relationship definitely wasnt just superficial.
@The Champ, you’re def right. Even though I never thought there was anything really going on with them, it was moreso the principle. Cause it turned out she didn’t really have a bf, she was being jumped off by some dude and was craving attention and the emotional connection so she was really trying to make MY boyfriend her f*ckin boyfriend substitute/stand-in or whatever.
I mean this girl was going hard at him! And being that he and I were having a lot of problems at the time, I’m sure he was flattered and was just eating up all the attention and fawning. But end of the day, he chose her over me whether he realized it or not.. so negro had to go after puttin me through that bullshizz…
@BKSweetheart,
It got to a point where I had to basically curse this b*tch out on FB and tell her to fall the f*ck back..
Please tell me that happened pre-VSB… please?
@Sula, Yes way before i became the enlightened VSS I am today thanks to Champy and PJ lol
@BKSweetheart,
Man….longest. entry. i’ve. seen. tonight.
Question: so…just out of curiosity, did the ex end up hookin’ up with gym girl? I’m not making any suggestions or judgments….just pure speculation and interest….
Being randomly hit on or complimented is one thing. For example, you’re out and someone who doesn’t know that you’ve got an SO wants to holla. You politely say thanks and let them know you’re taken.
BUT, when you have people you see on a regular basis (work, church, play groups, class, etc) that stroke your ego, that my friends is the beginning of an emotional affair which is just as inappropriate as a physical affair.
Gon’ head and play that “we’re just friends/coworkers/carpool mates/lunch buddies” thing all day, but best believe both people are thinking of the possibilities. They’re just waiting to see who makes the first move.
@Ivyette,
“BUT, when you have people you see on a regular basis (work, church, play groups, class, etc) that stroke your ego, that my friends is the beginning of an emotional affair which is just as inappropriate as a physical affair.”
looking forward to talking to you female co-worker and f*cking that co-worker in the breakroom aren’t even in the same solar system. f*ck apples and oranges, thats apples and african warlords
“Gon’ head and play that “we’re just friends/coworkers/carpool mates/lunch buddies” thing all day, but best believe both people are thinking of the possibilities”
not always. plus, thinking about the possibilities (which every man…and woman does occasionally) isnt the same thing as actually acting on them.
@The Champ,
“looking forward to talking to you female co-worker and f*cking that co-worker in the breakroom aren’t even in the same solar system. f*ck apples and oranges, thats apples and african warlords…plus, thinking about the possibilities (which every man…and woman does occasionally) isnt the same thing as actually acting on them.”
But, let’s just go ahead and plant the seeds for it anyway, right? (justify, justify, justify)
@The Champ,
“looking forward to talking to you female co-worker and f*cking that co-worker in the breakroom aren’t even in the same solar system”
Clearly you aren’t the VSB I thought you were. While they are different, one can lead to the other given the rigth circumstances (i.e. girlfriend being away for a week, post arguments, just because the sky is gray.).
Why put yourself in a situation where you would HAVE to use some sort of restraint when it is clear that alcohol and dim lights can easily remove such restraints. Maybe you should have thought your comment out more before replying.
@Ivy St.,
“Clearly you aren’t the VSB I thought you were.”
Maybe he’s undercover. Maybe he should be a VASB (very almost smart brotha). Lame reasons always come about when you are trying to justify already wrong ish.
@Ivyette,
“Gon’ head and play that “we’re just friends/coworkers/carpool mates/lunch buddies” thing all day, but best believe both people are thinking of the possibilities. They’re just waiting to see who makes the first move.”
True. Playing that game usually ends up with someone washing up in the sink afterwards. LOL
@SouthernCharm,
The bird bath!! LOL
@miss t-lee,
aka ‘the hobath’. lmfao
@miss t-lee,
Exactly! LOL
@Ivyette,
“Gon’ head and play that “we’re just friends/coworkers/carpool mates/lunch buddies” thing all day, but best believe both people are thinking of the possibilities. They’re just waiting to see who makes the first move.”
I agree. There is a line that you can cross. Entertaining this behavior can be risky. Especially when things aren’t working right in the relationship and you are looking for the easy way to deal with it.
@Humble_One,
“Entertaining this behavior can be risky.”
Bingo! Why try to set limits for inappropriate things? Don’t say, “It’s okay as long _____ doesn’t ____.” Whether things are great or sad with a SO, don’t even entertain that mess because, like you said, it’s only a matter of time before both people start coming closer and closer and finally cross the line.
@Ivyette,
You speak nothing but the truth!
@Ivyette, this is exactly what I was trying to state above. Thanks for writing it more clearly.
I agree.
Great post. It does happen for both men and women and like most posters, I agree that it’s fine…to a point. You can call it what you want but I will Jazmine Sullivan your $hi+ over something that is out of line physically or emotionally. And as for your platonic mistress, I hope an actually physical stomping is worth the fantasy of a potential romping.
@Rapture,
seems like somebody needs to read this:
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/jazmine-sullivan-might-get-you-dead/
@The Champ, Champ, read it when he posted it. I am not fazed, it went one eye and out the other LOL.
I have no problem with this as long as it’s recognized that it goes both ways and is a manageable issue. If it gets out of hand, then….well, it’s out of hand and sht.
What are the signs that it is getting out of hand? It’s kinda like BK Sweetheart said – when that person is on my or my Dude’s phone or in his face too much – yeah, then it’s out of hand.
Can you stop this phenomenon from occurring? No. But hopefully, you will find yourself in a relationship with a partner that realizes it for the ego stroke that it is and not get caught up in it.
AND…you must make sure that you are doing a fair amount of stroking of the ego and other important parts ya’d@mnself.
Because if all of your partner’s validation and support and cheerleading comes from outside sources, you won’t be partnered up for very long.
@SexyCool,
***nodding head***
I remember the Jadakiss version. It was hot, but I always liked the remix more for the beat though and the chorus.
“Even though I wanna see
How you put that thing on me
I can’t let you get the best of me”
Ah the days when the remix was a completely different song…lol
Like someone else said upthread, I’m leaving this one alone.
@miss t-lee, I remember that too……I don’t really care for songs that enocurage/promote depravity in any form…
@OrangeStar616,
“I don’t really care for songs that encourage/promote depravity in any form…”
but those are the best ones
@deviant, LLS see story telling is diff LOL
@miss t-lee,
**looking around**
Between me and you, I loved the remix. Lol
@V Renee,
It went so hard!!!!! (no Rhianna)
@miss t-lee,
settle down
I am Deviant and I do not approve of this message.
If your ego is not being stroked at home where you feel the need for outside validation, you need to speak up or move on because clearly your needs aren’t being met.
An ego boost every now and then is not a big deal but when it’s coming from a single source on a constant basis that’s a problem. Because after a while you start expecting it, and when you don’t get it, you might start seeking it out. And that is how people get hurt.
Most people are too clumsy to walk the fine line that is “s/he makes me feel desirable, nothing’s going on” without getting hurt or hurting someone else.
@deviant, yep yep!!!!
@deviant,
“If your ego is not being stroked at home where you feel the need for outside validation, you need to speak up or move on because clearly your needs aren’t being met.”
Bingo.
@deviant,
I am Ivyette and I approve, cosign, high five, dap, and fist bump Deviant’s message.
@deviant,
wait..i already said A-to tha muthaf****n-MEN…
so I’ll stamp it, double lock it, throw the key in the closet on this.
emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating. know why? it’s still cheating! if you are hiding something..then clearly it’s wrong.
@deviant,
“If your ego is not being stroked at home where you feel the need for outside validation, you need to speak up or move on because clearly your needs aren’t being met.
An ego boost every now and then is not a big deal but when it’s coming from a single source on a constant basis that’s a problem. Because after a while you start expecting it, and when you don’t get it, you might start seeking it out. And that is how people get hurt. ”
Yup, this is how I feel. Getting an ego boost is one thing. All of us are guilty of craving that every now and then. But ego boosts are quick and easy. They don’t — and shouldn’t — take days, months, and years (i.e. an actual affair) to get. If you stray that far, I’m thinkin’ you needed more than just an ego boost. You need Jeebus. lol
@deviant,
An ego boost every now and then is not a big deal but when it’s coming from a single source on a constant basis that’s a problem
i agree. this is why the shelf-life of the optimum mistress relationship is 4-6 months. any longer than that and you’re pushing it
@The Champ,
4-6 months is a relationship. Especially if the chick in question is your ex.
@deviant,
4-6 months is a relationship. Especially if the chick in question is your ex.
i dont think its that black and white and sh*t.
@deviant, Deviant’s post for the win! Everything you said is nothing but the truth!
ahhhhh validation and affirmation, LOL beware of where you seek it.
True validation only comes from one source.
*Sidenote* Please tell me someone else saw Janelle, Monday night @ the BlackCat, namely P ….I thought I loved her before, that brawd is the TRUTH, artistry just ILL young!!!!
So gald I caught that show..can’t wait for May 18th
@OrangeStar616,
I guess I need to start reading the local rags more. Had no idea she was in town.
@deviant, YEsssssssss, new material just DOPENESS, strong vocals, stage presence, artistic direction, I cannot say enough about just how vicious this girl and her band are!!!..if you have chance please do yourself a favor and see her live!
BTW she ain’t for everybody only the chexxy cyber people LOL
@OrangeStar616,
“Please tell me someone else saw Janelle, Monday night @ the BlackCat, namely P ….I thought I loved her before, that brawd is the TRUTH, artistry just ILL young!!!!
So gald I caught that show..can’t wait for May 18th”
Dayum, I would LOVE to see her live. Her style (overall) is too fly.
@OrangeStar616,
You talking about Janelle Monae? If so, she’s pretty dope. Weird… but still dope.
@SouthernCharm,
“Weird… but still dope.”
Thank you for saying it. I can dig a few of her new cuts, but most of her other stuff was missing me.
Don’t throw a tomato at me OrangeStar…lol
@miss t-lee, I won’t but contrastly I tend to adore the folk most label as weird…..ala Prince, Johhny Depp etc etc etc..these kind of artists make my Gemini very happy LOL
Me too have been called weird/odd, imagine that LLS but considering what the norm is, I’ll be that!!!
@ OrangeStar616 ,
I can understand it girlfriend.
*Now that I typed that I’m itching to hear that song…lol off to search.
@miss t-lee,
No tomato but…. the chick is ill!!!
But I self-admittedly like alternative/strange stuff.
okay so much for Lil kims 4th face ghost I had to youtube Jada’s version. Where was I?
@nolagirl,
i weep for the young
When I first started reading this post I was like “huh?” but when you got to the part about the barista I could only nod. Without fail I get a few cups of grande coffee a week free of charge if her boss isn’t there. Then we go about our business. No f**kery, just coffee, and validation.
I’ve been qbing the same team for almost a decade and I’m not leaving anytime soon. There’s nothing wrong with a little Brett Favrin’.
Can’t do the ex gf, or co-worker thing. That movie has a f**ked up ending.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E.,
“No f**kery, just coffee, and validation.”
man, someone needs to open a chain of coffee shops with that title.
@The Champ,
LOL!
It would be rather dope though…
@The Champ, “No f**kery, just coffee, and validation.” they would provide my daily fix that’s fo sho
@The Champ,
Imagine how much you could charge for a grande coffee with a double shot of validation? We maybe talking Scrooge McDuck money.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E.,
Can’t do the ex gf, or co-worker thing. That movie has a f**ked up ending.
Agreed… When there is mutual and (semi) permanent contact, it can become, ummm, interesting.
The guy who cuts the grass of the office building lingering a bit on your legs while you exchange salutations is one thing, you don’t know who they are and they don’t know who you are either. When your SSN can be found by said “mistress”, it gets tricky… very much so.
@Sula,
“you don’t know who they are and they don’t know who you are either.”
Sula, did you just go Dale Gribble on us? My wives get SSNs that’s it.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…..This right here is what we women already know. If you are in a relationship and you still need outside validation from that, go to your mama, or your sister, or your aunt-tee…..what’s with the secret “mistress”…does your SO know about her? If so, fine…if not, that is going to be a problem. All that ego stroking just might lead to some other type of stroking…keep playing with fire you will soon get burnt…trust and believe that.
@QueenT,
If you are in a relationship and you still need outside validation from that, go to your mama, or your sister, or your aunt-te
some men do. again, the mistress can come in many different forms
The only person I had closest to being a mistress would have been my homegirl. She is not an ex or former fwb. I can see why some dudes have mistresses. Some women look at dudes like a Toyota – reliable, low maintenance, and completely utilitarian. No man wants to feel like what he does for his woman is just part of his job. Although men may not show it we go through ish too. From worrying about careers, life isssues, and so on. It can weigh heavy. Sometimes men have to be reminded of their position as far as being unique, funny, cool, etc.
@Humble_One, I don’t think I’d ever look at my my man like a Toyota although my money green, charcoal interior 09′ Camry is quite FLYyyyyyyyy..I’d look at him like a Lexus LOL…
Grown women ought know that men need respect and some degree of praise/recognition = feed his ego a bit ……….its not hard to get that in on the reg esp with the right one!!!!
@OrangeStar616,
“charcoal interior 09? Camry is quite FLYyyyyyyyy..”
A Camry is the direct opposite of “Fly”. Practical? yes Fly? no.
@Humble_One, thats your opinion, as I have gotten many compliments on my ride LOL its the color combo and maybe who is pushing it LOL ……its actually quite subjective
Now “luxury” is another adjective all together.
@Humble_One,
I’ll say the latter. The compliments were for you not the ride. But then again the car may be more appealing with you in it. Idk. I do know that a Camry on its own is not fly.
@OrangeStar616,
“Grown women ought know that men need respect and some degree of praise/recognition = feed his ego a bit”
I don’t think it is feedng his ego. I think it is just showing appreciation. Gassing a dude up is no the same as showing appreciation.
@Humble_One, sincerity is the diff between gassing/sicing someone up, and actually “feeding” certain aspects of them..feed as in nuture, as it is in a woman’s nature to do…….
I was thinking the very same thing when I read your title. My guy friends sometimes say, man my wife would think I was cheating on her if she knew how much we talked or like you said the pointless flirting we all do with people we see everyday. And it goes both ways.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
@Tiffany,
“And it goes both ways.”
so basically, its exactly like redman?
@The Champ,
“so basically, its exactly like redman?”
I thought this rumor about Red and Meth was dead? I really didn’t like this considering Redman is one of my favorite MCs.
@Humble_One, Redman is one of my fav’s too and I never heard this rumor until now:(
@The Champ,
I guess this gives a new meaning to his nickname Funk Doctor Spock.
Good post Champ.
Ladies, the simple act of stoking your dudes ego will most likely prevent the scandalous act of his mistress stoking is “alter” ego. Don’t worry about blowing up his head. If he can take a compliment he will simply say “thanks baby,
i know i’m tha sh*t” and move on.@Tx10inch,
But, I thought the point was that men still want to think they’re desirable to other women? Obviously he is desirable (or at least his wallet is…#iKid) to her or she wouldn’t be with him. It’s kinda like if a guy is a with a beautiful chick, his eyes are still gonna stray to another beautiful chick walking past him. (Disclaimer: Chicks got eyes as well, don’t get it twisted like Lil’ Wayne’s locs)
@Cheekie,
We do, but we’re much less likely to fall into the web of tha mistress who’s setting her trap with that ish we like to hear. If it’s constently coming from our woman at home too then it shouldn’t mean that much to somebody in a committed relationship (Unless you really feelin yo self and believin your own hype and its makin your head bigga than a hot air ballon, then he probably gonna smash anyway if the opportunity presents itself.) But I digress. Maybe I’m missing the point of tha topic, or maybe i just lost mine. *10inch Shrug*
@Tx10inch,
“*10inch Shrug*”
I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to picture what this look like.
“If it’s constently coming from our woman at home too then it shouldn’t mean that much to somebody in a committed relationship”
I’d hope this was true. And hell, it may be. But, I figured the ego-strokin’ was frivolous and didn’t mean much anyhow. It’s kinda like a “just so I can say I still got it” kinda moment with flirting a side chick or wanting outside attention. Of course it doesn’t mean as much as the girl you love (or really like), but it’s just superficial ish. But, like I said upthread to another commenter, it’s harmless unless it strays too far. That’s when it goes beyond just an wanting ego boost, IMO.
@Tx10inch,
Pologies on tha “stoking” clearly meant “i be STROKING!..like Clarence Carter.
@Tx10inch,
LMAO Not the C. Carter…ha!!!
What it do homie, long time.
@miss t-lee,
What it do t-lee? Just left tha “X” (Texas) and back on my grind. What u know bout that C. Carter? lol
@ Tx10inch
Say word? You stay in them streets…lol
I know way too much about C. Carter thanks for my Dad and my uncles.
@Tx10inch,
LOL…strokin’ to east
strokin’ to the west
*Didn’t he have this crazy video featuring a dancing orange thingy for this song?
@Ivyette,
Yep. lmao.
@Tx10inch,
I remember this song (dating my self here) on the video jukebox. I thought it was a parody. I didn’t know he was a real blues artist. One line I remember
“Stroke it Clarence Carter, but don’t stroke so fast
If my stuff ain’t tight enough, you can stick it up my…’ WOO!”
@Humble_One,
Oh he’s very real.
He made one of the most depressing songs in history, “Patches”, and one of the best dirty songs that you think might be a Christmas song until you pay attention to the lyrics “Back Door Santa”.
C. Carter, boyy, gotta love that kat!
@Tx10inch,
Thanks for putting that song in my head, man. Thanks so much. If I catch myself humming this during a meeting or some ish, I will backhand you. lol
@Tx10inch,
I don’t get the woman who doesn’t stroke her man’s ego. I’m not talking about lying to him or blowing smoke up his bum, but true and sincere appreciation. For the little things that he does that make you love him.
It is hard out there for a black man. They get so much crap on a daily basis for nothing other than being black. They are so cliche that they don’t merit rehearsal here. These are multiple daily barbs that chink that armor that we so heavily rely on when we need a strong black man. Why wouldn’t you, as his woman, apply a healing salve of love to that armor? Whether its compliments or acts of kindness or just spendig time, our men need to be healed and validated on a regular basis.
I know that the black intelligensia don’t always put stock in theology. But this is my thinking. God himself demands daily (vocalized and obvious) adoration and love. Why wouldn’t the son of God, created in his image and after his likeness, need the same? I don’t know how this fits into today’s topic of mistresses, but that’s my two cents.
@INFJgurl,
^^^That was some good ish, gurl!
@INFJgurl,
*sitting at desk with mouth open* ummmm, damn good stuff gurl.
before I finish reading this post I must disagree–the remix is better! I love the original, but the remix was a lot more fun. and I happened to love Jay’s verse. “have an affair, act like an adult for once”. grimey yes, but hey his bluntness had me at hello. LOL. I’m an admitted Hova stan.
the actual singing on the original version is what made it good, not necessarily Jada’s verse “literally, we can go shopping in Italy” O_o
@Reecie,
happened to love Jay’s verse. “have an affair, act like an adult for once”. grimey yes, but hey his bluntness had me at hello .
Me too!!!! And you can’t forget the “pressure busts pipes”. Ha!
@V Renee, “…and you look like the, I like it rough type” yessir!
@Reecie,
I’m beginning to think that you, me and V. Renee like the remix for all the same (read:wrong) reasons.
*snickering*
@Reecie,
If loving it is wrong, I don’t want to be right! LMAO
@ V Renee,
I totally imagined you saying this as the Rev. from Coming To America.
@V Renee,
“Plus my hand is up your skirt, god damn you flirt
What’s a little me on top gon’ hurt? maybe a little but…
Pain is pleasure and pressure bust pipes
and you look like the “I like it rough” type”
…that line is hot. cuz frankly…um…well…
neva mind. lol.
@Keisha Brown,
ROTFLMAO!
To be honest, they could have left Mya OUT of the song….or just on the hook. LOL
“in fact, in a couple of weeks, my dearest mistress and i will celebrate our two year anniversary. although we never have or ever will sleep together, we’ve grown closer and closer with each passing day. and, just like every other mans own personal mistress, she completes me in a way no mere girlfriend or wife ever could. i always know that when i’m weighted down with a typical days mind-numbling minutae, i can simply log on to vsb and see, well, somebody out there still thinks i’m cool, smart, and funny.”
Aw, I see what you did there. Awwwww.
For the record, though, just as a woman who can fake The Big O like Meg Ryan, your mistress only pretends to to think you’re cool, smart and funny*.
I’m gonna kinda stay around from this one, too (maybe not, depends on the comments…lol). This is supposed to be a lucky dayum day. Happy St. Paddy’s Day, ya’ll.
*Ok, I’m lyin’. You know I love ya, Champster! Lie deez.
@Cheekie,
actually, i was thinking “love deez” would be more appropriate.
@The Champ,
“i was thinking “love deez” would be more appropriate.”
Naw, because that’s impossible…so I hear.
While I’m having difficulty wrapping my mind around use of the term “mistress” for the role of the person described in Champ’s post, I do agree with the necessity of having such a person in your life.
We often get to a place of comfort in our relationships and unfortunately certain things are taken for granted. Like Deviant suggested upthread, when you feel like your needs are not being met, speak up. However, moving on, as suggested, does not necessarily have to be the next step.
The fact that you managed to get to a level of comfort in your relationship illustrates that, in all likelihood, your remaining needs are being met. I think relationship perfection (or any kind of perfection for that matter) is an unrealistic goal. The “mistress” in the sense of this post can provide the external validation that may secure your position in an otherwise perfect relationship. It’s kinda like the 80/20 rule as brought up in “Why Did I Get Married”. The “mistress” can allow you to get your 20 without sacrificing the 80 so long as you don’t get all Tiger Woods with it.
Sometimes the 20 is missing on a temporary basis. Your S.O. may be going through somethings. Maybe the 20 is just one of those d*ck riding things that your S.O. is simply not down for as BKSweetheart indicated upthread. At that point, you have to decide if it’s really worth sacrificing the 80% that you are getting to fulfill the 20% deficit you seek. Yeah, the grass is may appear to be greener on the other side, but maybe that’s just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Will it still be as green tomorrow? That’s my 2 cents.
@Caballeroso,
think relationship perfection (or any kind of perfection for that matter) is an unrealistic goal. .
Co-Sign!
@Caballeroso,
I cosign everything you said 100%. Especially when you said “Sometimes the 20 is missing on a temporary basis. Your S.O. may be going through somethings.” Hopefully the person your are with has built up enough equity with you. Although with some people you are only as good as your last 15 minutes.
@Caballeroso,
I wasn’t suggesting that you should leave a less than perfect relationship. That’s the only kind of relationship there is or can ever be.
What I’m saying is if you express yourself and your needs still aren’t being met, why stay?
Personally, that 80/20 thing is BS. Never mind that those numbers are just made up. You can’t quantify emotions and Tyler Perry is not a relationship expert (because there is no such thing – unless you know a real life whore with steady regulars).
@Caballeroso,
“…Yeah, the grass may appear to be greener on the other side, but maybe that’s just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Will it still be as green tomorrow? That’s my 2 cents”
THIS!!!!
@Caballeroso,
“Yeah, the grass is may appear to be greener on the other side, but maybe that’s just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Will it still be as green tomorrow? That’s my 2 cents.”
Very nice. I like the way you put that.
@Caballeroso,
“It’s kinda like the 80/20 rule as brought up in “Why Did I Get Married”. The “mistress” can allow you to get your 20 without sacrificing the 80 so long as you don’t get all Tiger Woods with it.”
I know this is a tangent, but the 20% chick in that movie was kinda crucial (don’t know her name). I think Jill Scott is beautiful, but that other woman woulda had me thinking unclean thoughts. Just sayin…
Btw, I always appreciate how indiscretions/scandals can be co-opted into our slang. Like, if you cheat with 1 or more 2520 women, you’ve been “Tigering”…..grrrrr. lol.
@Caballeroso,
While I’m having difficulty wrapping my mind around use of the term “mistress” for the role of the person described in Champ’s post
And I think this is the biggest hurdle to people actually getting Champ’s point (which is an awesome point)… My guess The Champ went for shock value not realizing that Howard Stern is so passe.
(I know, “Passe deez”)
You on point as always Champ. Ey’body needs love like LL.
Wow Champ, from one BB (Brotha Blogger) to another… This article was, dare I say, Brilliant… and oh so true. We all need external sources of validation.. even if it’s that neighbors cute little Pomeranian that wags his tale that one extra time when he sees me.
Sometimes that little wag is all i need. When my girl is trippen because I burnt the bottom of the spaghetti pot, I can say to my self.. “Well hey, you may think I’m a good for nothin ass, but the neighbor’s dog thinks I’m the Shit. (Just for the record)Despite the cute little way she wiggles her tail when she walks, I have never had sex with the neighbor’s dog.
@Brettandthecity,
Just stopped by your blog. Mexican prison for male prostitution? Funniest ish I’ve heard all day. I’m going over to Twitter and FB to follow you ASAP. Return the favor. LOL!
@Brettandthecity,
(Just for the record)Despite the cute little way she wiggles her tail when she walks, I have never had sex with the neighbor’s dog.
LMBAO!
I think I may just be the mistress of many…is that good or bad???
@IJstDntUnderstand,
It is what it is.
It seems as if I may be as well.
Is it good/bad?
IDK.
shrugs…
@SexyCool, I think we should just vote its GOOD! As long as we are helping and not hurting I think it should be considered a job well done.
@IJstDntUnderstand,
It is so voted.
Interesting & entertaining post (as usual)!
I definitely know that this is true. It’s also another reason why I’m leaning more towards the idea of an O.R.
I’ve been propositioned to be a range of mistresses from “school wife” to “f*ck buddy” and I don’t get what it is about me that make dudes automatically think “mistress material.” Just yesterday a guy I’ve known since 5th grade messaged me on FB saying his wife hasn’t been on her wifely duties and he was wondering if I’d take a trip with him.
We’ve never dated but he had a crush on me forever and I must admit he did get fine after undergrad but we were so far in the friend zone that we never crossed that line. It was flattering that he’s still interested after all these years but I was also insulted that he would think I’d be down for some random adultery.
It was like the Mya (Jay Z version) was on a continuous loop in my head during the conversation and then reading today’s post is/was kind of creepy.
Work husbands, gBoyfriends, best friends….women have a male counterpart as well. It isn’t (or shouldn’t be a threat) to the mate as they serve different roles and needs. And as long as there is an understanding of those roles and no line crossing-I think it’s healthy to have these relationships with people outside of our “relationship.”
lawd i’m glad spring has sprang….
and all that entails
I think everyone has a mistress. I like to think of it as a Third Place:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
…but in human form. Dare I say we need mistresses in order to stay sane? Me thinks so.
I’m pretty sure this is a less seductive explanation, but it may save a few men from having fights with their women about who their mistress is. Nice job, Champ. Womp.
Okay… I’m feeling a little dirty and uhhhm used.
But hey I have a purpose.
Way to go. You are appreciated.
@WuDaMan,
I’m about to check you out on Twitter.
@SexyCool, If I follow you will you follow me back?
i haven’t yet read all of the comments but i am going to be specific.
i can totally relate to VSB being your ego boost because at one point 07-08 my blog was crazy. and by crazy i mean a thousand hits a day, 20 comments within the first fifteen minutes of posting crazy. it’s great that people enjoy your wit and think you’re cool, but let me tell you… it REALLY created a problem in my former relationship. crazy considering he was the one who suggested i start a blog. after about 8 months or so though, he started to resent my blog and the attentions and emails i received from it and started calling it my ‘side piece’ and actually thought i was cheating with these cyber men. just totally got out of hand…
so, i kinda killed the blog and now i look back at that situation with regret because i loved my blog and my readers, and it was def more of an insecurity issue with him than a real threat with me. oh well.
anyhoo… i think all men and women need validation, but there has to be a limit and i’d def not be okay with it being his ‘work wife’ or anyone he sees on a daily basis. relationships such as that are a slippery slope and i don’t want any chick thinking she has my man in any sort of way, real or imagined.
@Muze,
oh, obviously if you click my link you see my blog is still there. lol. by ‘killed’ i just mean i stopped posting so frequently, took months off from posting at all, didn’t responding to comments, and stopped advertising and branding it into something big. in the world of blogging… that is homicide. lol
@Muze,
I just peeped your blog. Good ish. I’ve tried looking for blogs by Detroiters for a minute and always came up short. The handful I found were either defunct or left much to be desired.
@Humble_One,
thanks oh humble one.
@Muze, definitely sounds like you had an insecure man.
(I’m a newbie….only my second post, but my recently acquired VSB addiction has taken its toll *smh*)
Truthfully, I can’t be mad at a man who needs validation (I know I love it when a random guy makes me feel like I’m Gillette status), but IMO it should be limited to the “check out chick” at Shoppers or the like. The whole “male who confides in his female BFF” and/or the occasional double-backing to the ex-girlfriend for a pep talk are a no-go for me. It’s an accident on deck. Plus, I would give him the same respect.
“the ghost of lil kim’s fourth face”
this right here bout sent me to the emergency room in stitches
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Yeah Ok. Like others I started side-eyeing this post initially. I didn’t wanna hear that “monogamy is unnatural” shit.
Once I finished reading I totally got it. I just think it depends on who you are outsourcing the task of validating to.
I just don’t see it as a “man-thing”. If thats the case I’ve had plenty of “Mister-esses”
An Ex- is a big no-no. I used to call them “my reserves” and we all know thats what they are, most of my exes and I ended up as friends. I could call them at anytime no matter how long it had been since we spoke and pretty much p/u where we left off.
But I’d be lying if I said calling them, now that Im married isn’t teetering on innappropiate.
Co-workers–Eeh tricky, I’d advise against it. It depends on if the vibe is mutual. If she has no idea that she’s become your little peek of sunshine, then I guess its not so bad. But if you KNOW that she enjoys indulging you-then cut it out. I just can’t see how guys can be that damn oblivious.
Baristas, bartenders, customer service etc.,- Yeeah so it’s kinda thier job to be polite to you, esp bartenders its profitable to establish an repore with the patrons. Kinda like strippers but without the shake dancin and what not.
I guess what Im curious to know is, do any of these “outside validators” (hopefully excluding Mama) ever cross your minds in a sexual manner?
Im having a hard time imagining a guy cheesing at some big breasted , bubbly, friendly barista, co-worker, etc without them ever fantasizing about screwing her.
Better yet, maybe its a rhetorical question.
***Side Bar***
Speaking of mistresses in the real sense, have you all seen this?? OVERWHELMING!!
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4990206
** Side Bar**
Speaking of mistresses, have you all seen this??? OVERWHELMING!
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4990206
Everyone needs a role in life.
I’m a “mistress”.
I also have one.
Maybe he’s my “manstress”? LOL
what is the male version of mistress? manstriss? manstress?
inquiring minds want to know!
Is sexual monongamy really all that valuable? Setting aside selfishness and religiousness, I would say it isn’t. The primary purpose of monogamy (aside from the religiousness angle) is that it allows the female to monopolize the resources of the male to provide for herself and the children. This is fundamentally self serving.
I have been married for 17 years and we both have occasionaly had “friends.” We don’t keep secrets from each other, or any other parties involved. We couldn’t be happy. P**sy washes out. D**k washes off. They are reusable. If the strongest bond you have in a relationship is that you only are bangin each other…you haven’t got much.
We should try to get away from all these silly mores, norms, and customs that benefit no one but the people who wish to control us.
@Tom, Hmm….nice points you make but nope, you can’t exactly wash off STDs. I’ll stick with my monogamy, but thanks though.