Theory & Essay

Why “Daddy Issues” Don’t Really Exist

Stop bitching, man, and get over it.

“You know, it was just typical daddy issues. Nothing else, really.”

The statement above was my friend’s (“Jim”) response to a question I asked regarding a woman (“Jane”) he’d recently cut ties with. Despite her quite distinguished ass-to-waist ratio, he’d grown tired of her flakiness, her (relative) youth — He’s 31. She’s 23. — and her emotional instability. The response came when I asked him if he ever figured out why she was so prone to random (and public) bouts of strange behavior. (Example: At a get together several months ago, she got upset with Jim and decided to leave and sit in his car with the windows open for the rest of the night. The low temperature that night was 37.)

Apparently, she didn’t have the best relationship with her father, and this combined with the fact that the last couple guys she dated were also in their 30′s was all the proof he needed that she just had serious daddy issues.

While I didn’t dispute my friend’s claim, hearing this woman’s obviously faulty behavior being dismissed as “daddy issues” made something click inside of me, something that had been festering for years now and finally needed to come out:

“Daddy issues” are f*cking bullshit

Think about it. Think about how every single dating and relationship-related thing that could possibly be wrong with a woman always seems to come back to her father.

If a woman seeks approval from men it’s because she didn’t get enough from her father.

If a woman only dates older men it’s because she’s searching for a father figure.

If a woman’s only attracted to distant and emotionally unavailable men, she’s trying to replicate the relationship she had with her father.

If a woman dates players and man hoes it’s because her father was the same way.

If a woman’s extremely and unnecessarily hard on men it’s because she’s a daddy’s girl.

If a woman’s promiscuous it’s because she either didn’t give enough love from her father or had an inappropriate relationship with him.

If a woman can’t properly gauge a man’s character it’s because her father didn’t teach her how.

If a woman’s too sexually naive she was babied by her father.

If a woman f*cks an illegal alien it’s because her dad got abducted by a UFO

Point? If every single woman on the planet has some form of daddy issues — and, if what everybody seems to say is correct, they do —  then daddy issues don’t actually exist!

I mean, there’s a reason why there’s no such thing as “human issues” or “10 toe issues” or “two nipple issues.” An “issue” is no longer an issue if everyone has some form of the same f*cking issue. At that point it’s just…normal — no one on Earth has a perfect relationship with their fatherand this normalcy means that this “issue” can no longer stand as an excuse for effed up behavior.

Jane’s relationship with her father didn’t make her a f*cking weirdo. No, the fact that she was f*cking weird made her a f*cking weirdo. Daddy issues didn’t cause your ex-girlfriend to break-up with you because she just couldn’t be with a guy who “liked her too much.” No, she couldn’t be with a guy who liked her too much because she was an asshole and an emotional nincompoop. A woman only attracted to much older men isn’t trying to “replace” her dad. She just a lazy f*ck who tries to explain her lazy f*ckness by saying that she’s too mature for men her age.

Seriously, a grown woman (or man) blaming odd dating and relationship behavior on daddy issues is like a black man getting fired from the Cheesecake Factory and blaming slavery. Sure, maybe your life might have been a tad different if your great-great-great grandmother wasn’t massa Jackson’s favorite nighttime foot warmer, but you got fired today because they caught your creepy ass eating the tomatoes out of the shrimp and bacon club sandwiches.

This isn’t meant to minimize the importance of a father in a young woman’s life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dads matter and shit. But, using daddy issues as a universal excuse, distinction, and diagnosis subtly absolves accountability, making all dads equal scapegoats for shitty behavior.

You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her: F*ck you

—The Champ

***If you get a minute, check out Do ‘Good Men’ Think Too Much? — a review of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night” by Andrew Ladd at The Good Men Project***

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • miss t-lee

    The last sentence? #ComedyGold *snickers*

    • WayUPThere

      +1.

      Had me rolling

      • http://TalentedGeneration.blogspot.com LegallySouthern1

        +2. I chuckled a hearty chuckle.

      • http://none JM

        I agree as well that all this is very funny –but also a direct hit. In fact,(& I know I’ll probably hear alot of crap for this one)but am I the only one to notice that it’s like dating a psychiatric patient every time you go out with anyone,not to mention the circus act you have to preform before you even begin to talk. Imagine sitting at dinner with sybil.I guess one thing that usually comes out on the plus side, even if they are scitzo they usually like the same dishes so you only got to buy one meal.

    • http://podcasts.radiovalencia.fm/subscribe/show.php?s=ms%20margarita Margarita

      had me laughing too

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      +1
      I was thinking “She’s gonna put him in a home for that. Shady Pines and sh*t…” lmao!

      • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

        LMFAO, not Shady Pines though.

        Says whats good to Sophia Petrillo for us Champ lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        as long as they have a weekend brunch, I’m good

        • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

          ….with bottomless mimosas?

        • Ivy St.

          lol! They do, but they will only be serving crackers with warmed prune juice.

      • Beautiful

        …lol….She’ll put him in a place worse than Shady Pines ..I know of a few places too..He’ll be in the same pamper all day.. sitting in a busy hallway wishing he had given her that damn hug in 2018, like he should have!

        j/k..Champ (;

        But to be on the safe side…I’d invest in a CAPE, because we all should set out with intentions to be our kids Heru!

    • Andi

      +4 This is why you are a writer.

      • GypsyCurl

        +5 and a good debater!
        Champ, you have done it again. I was so prepared to disagree but you made some really good points.

        But, I can’t help but give my opinion. So, Here is my two cents anyways: I do think there are women with mommy and daddy issues. But what you are discussing is the overuse of those terms.

        • Ivy St.

          ” But what you are discussing is the overuse of those terms.”
          Eaxactly, people using that term to classify every issues. Addiction is another term that is overly used as well. That is another conversation.
          I feel like people try to place an issue or a disorder on something to use an an excuse or a reason to not have to correct it.

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      “The last sentence? #ComedyGold *snickers*”

      It really was. And the fact that I said, “awwww” after it like that would be a heartwarming daddy/daughter moment proves I ain’t shat. Hey, I like a little dysfunction in families. Great writing material. ;)

  • Girl Kanyeshrug

    Well, not all women have ‘daddy issues;

    ‘Daddy issues’ do exist

    Women with ‘daddy issues’ aren’t the ones who recognize that they themselves actually have the issues.

    Yes they behave badly/weirdly as a result of the issues but some/most find their way eventually with time…

    We should be a little more understanding of people (that doesn’t mean we should put up with nonsense). People have had all sorts of difficult things happen to them. The result of some of these things being ‘daddy issues’…

    • http://www.reflectionandreview.com S. Kat

      Co-sign.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Women with ‘daddy issues’ aren’t the ones who recognize that they themselves actually have the issues.

      then who are they?

      • Girl Kanyeshrug

        “then who are they?”

        Other people usually recognize the weird behavior as that of a woman with ‘daddy’ issues.
        Like that older dude you were talking about who was dating the 23 year old. HE recognized that maybe she had some issues.
        SHE probably thought she was just being 23…

        • Mo-VSS

          +1

        • GypsyCurl

          I think women with daddy issues recognize it. I agree with Champ that the girl was probably just being her crazy self but the guy chalked it up to daddy issues. Thereby, overusing the term to make himself feel better about dating a crazy girl.

          I recognize that I have serious mommy and daddy issues. My mom made seriously dangerous dating choices in the presence of two vulnerable little girls (my sister and I). That effected my dating style and outlook on relationships and men for an extremely long time. And I can see the adverse affects in my sister’s life choices.

          Which brings me to my last point: daddy issues can actually be mommy issues. Mommy issues can effect the daughter also. How is a girl to learn about healthy relationships when her momma is a garden tool?

        • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          You got it girl. O.N. P.O.I.N.T.

        • http://www.ifiruled2011.wordpress.com Mahogany Princess

          Sounds to me like she WAS just being 23 and immature. That scenario does not equate to daddy issues to me. It reeks of immaturity because she couldn’t have her way.

      • Beautiful

        I’d love to hear your thoughts on “Mommas Boys”/ “Baby Boys” .

        • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

          AH! THIS!!!!

          I know you ain’t ask, but i heard about this in church on Sunday (yes Church). There are two types of men often emerge:

          The overdominant: Homeboy got tired of mama telling him what to do, so he develops a mindstate of “no woman will EVER tell me what to do again. I’m a man.” Cats who take it as a shot at their manhood if they even think you’re trying to run them. It’s a defense mechanism.

          The baby boys had EVERYTHING done by mama. Mama done washed they drawers, cooked their meals, paying their phone bill, taking care of them, so naturally, when dude goes out into the world, he’ll be looking for his MAMA in every woman he comes across.

          But at the same time, mamas go hard in the paint when it comes to their sons. Some moms have a tendency to to make sons feel bad when they leave the house, can’t do them a favor, isn’ coming home for a holiday, etc. In the post six difficult skills every man must master (my personal favorite post EVER on here), Champ says that men MUST learn to say no to their mama, which is FREAKING. TRUE. And mamas stay blocking b/c they think no woman’s good enough for their baby. I promise my mama got something bad to say about any woman i bring home.

          Upside is, when a dude learns how to treat his mama, hopefully by then he’ll be well-versed in holding down his wife/girl too, and that includes telling you about yourself sometimes.

          Hallelujah, holla back.

          *digresses back to this work i’ve been neglecting*

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            I heard a theory that black men date women of other ethnicities more frequently because of how tough black mothers can be (fussing; whooping a$$, etc.); they try to find a women that is the complete opposite of their mothers in every way.

            My reaction was less about the interracial dating topic and more about the thought of men withdrawing from their mother’s attitude. I found that perspective interesting because I really had never heard it before. Men, black men specifically, praise their mothers for being “strong” and more specifically “strong, black women.” The fact that a black man would actually be repulsed by that strength never crossed my mind. I’m sure this could happen in any race, it just seemed so foreign to me to suggest that black men with strong black mamas try to get as far away from those mamas as possible- not physically but emotionally.

            • http://www.annetteholland.com daNanner

              meh. My son is 17 and mixed and won’t date black women 1) because they remind him of me and 2) too dominant for his likes. Not saying my son has an Oedipus complex, but neither does he want a woman who expects him to do as he’s told once he’s out of the house. Lucky for me he’s only had 2 girlfriends, and no, I did not chase them off.

        • http://twitter.com/#!/_chunk_ chunk

          Me, too.

      • Innovative21

        I would say Daddy issues DO exist, but I agree that it’s irrelevant because all peoples will be in some way, shape and form affected.

        Women are NOT the only ones subject to “Daddy” Issues. Men, as well, suffer from deconstructive habbits which can be directly linked to thier relationship with/without thier father. Que in Lil’ Wayne (who ironically came up with a video suggesting women are messed up by “not knowing how to love,” and thus they will go on to favor dealing with “men” like –wait for it– Lil’ Wayne). BUT Lil’ Wayne has time and time again expressed how he grew up without his father, leading him to a life seeking direction from any direction, where he impregnates 17+ women, has multiple stints in jail, and is actually proud of his tattooed tear-drops.

        POINT: Errrrbody got Daddy Issues, now I just hope people would stop using this as an excuse and just start investing in those who can show that they’ve reconciled with the fact that thier paternal relationship may have been detrimental in ways, but they’re still seeking to be a better person because they recognize it (meaning leave those girls and boys alone if they refuse to admit it–”red flag” that ish!). What’s that saying: “Don’t be a victim of your past cuz there’s nothing left but the future.”

        • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

          My ninja.

          Yes.

          And even if a woman, man, bird, duck or tiger has daddy issues, GET OVER IT, cuz the world ain’t bout to give you a life pass through difficult situations cuz papa was a player. MAN UP. OR WOMAN UP. OR TIGER UP. WHATEVER.

          *sighs* that felt good. #thatisall

          #SPITFOREVER

          • http://twitter.com/simplysope simplysope

            “TIGER UP!”

            Let me catch a Tiger crying at the Zoo, so I can tell it that.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          RT

          • http://www.whylinger.blogspot.com LadyEm

            Y`ALL GOT ME CRACKIN UP OF LAUGHTER OVER HERE!!

            “daddy issue” pains don’t feel so bad after reading all this <3

      • IET

        I think Daddy issues might come from the psychological theory of attachment. As a child you learn about relationships initially from your parents/guardians. The theory argues that your attachment figures (parents/guardians) serve as the templates for future relationship and shit. So it’s not that people do have vs don’t have Daddy/Momma issues, its that, like everything else there’s variability. Difference in how the relationships were back then, how they evolved over time, and what they are right now will likely influence romantic relationships. So yea so everyone has issues.

        -Budding Psychologist.

  • E

    We all got issues. BUT, I think that it’s easier to “explain away” things away and claim that it’s beyond your control than to own up to it.

    But I would say that Daddy Issues do exist. People just happen to be WAAAAYYYY to quick to throw it under the “Daddy Issues” umbrella.

    • CoolShadow

      Kinda like a customer service screw-up blamed on someone “who no longer works there.

      • Ms. My2Cents

        Excellent analogy!

        *places approval stamp _________*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Kinda like a customer service screw-up blamed on someone “who no longer works there.”

        so basically, kind of like blaming the economy on Bush?

        • MzPW

          Well….Bush DID eff up the economy. That’s not blame- that’s the result of lazy individuals not participating in the voting process and an inefficient government. Factual.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            and blame too

          • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

            Yeah, he kinda did, but that ninja had HELP.
            It takes a village.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          well played. and, i actually agree. then again, its part of the job. even if an economy tanks and you technically had nothing to do with it, its still your fault.

          hello, Obama.

          • kickandasnare

            ^^^^ Lol! I see tea party logic in them thar hills

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      “We all got issues. BUT, I think that it’s easier to “explain away” things away and claim that it’s beyond your control than to own up to it.”

      THANK YOU! My point exactly.

  • http://twitter.com/tanlite Krista

    Usually women that will openly tell folks that they have Daddy issues– don’t.
    A lack of a father in a girl’s life can lead her to search for fatherly traits in other men, I do believe some women just use the “I have Daddy issues!” card just to be a crazy b*tch, but the women with legit “Daddy Issues” will probably snap if you attempt to tell them that they do– especially if you’re male o__O

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      in your estimation, what are daddy issues then?

      • Sara

        I do believe that the influences we receive in life (positive/negative, present/absent, etc.) shape and can also inform the way we live our lives and the choices we make–HOWEVER, once you’ve identified the root of a problem you automatically and w/o question become responsible for any following decisions. In this case, the women who call daddy issues CHOOSE to continue their behaviors. And what ARE daddy issues? Simply put, I’d say it’s the inability to deal with men as PEOPLE because you either did not have the influence or it was negative. BTW, I think men have daddy issues too-lol–but unlike women, they don’t necessarily use it as a crutch to fail their true potential. One last thing–an issue that is universal CAN still be an “issue”…I think the leap to labeling it normal is a weak semantic ploy…lol Other than that, I think this post is like all the others: fun, funny, relevant, and oh so fly…..hope y’all did win them awards u were after-wink.

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          Men don’t use daddy issues as a crutch? On what planet?

          • Todd

            Substitute mama for daddy, and you have a point. Most dudes don’t have daddy specific issues though.

            • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

              “I didn’t stick around to be a father cause I don’t know how to do that cause my daddy didn’t stick around for me”. That’s not using daddy issues as a crutch?

              • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                I mentioned that this morning too; I hear men use this much more frequently than women.

              • Todd

                That’s correct, but there are WAY more issues connected to mama than daddy for dudes.

                • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                  You can’t be serious. No Todd. There are more mothers being mothers than fathers being fathers. It’s just easier to blame the parent that was there than to blame the one that was not. Fathers teach boys how to be men. Mothers can help mold but nothing replaces a father.

              • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

                A cat who says that is honest AND fugazi at the same time. Guys have the innate ability to gravitate towards any significant figure of father, or what they wanna be, whther it’s pops or the biggest drug dealer in the neighborhood. Ppl like that are gravity, and guys can’t help BUT to draw to them. Every man, everywhere, has some type of father. Even if they’re real dad ain’t in existence. Even if that “father” is a woman sometimes.

                But that’s an entirely different topic.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                I’m asking this as a real question: but you all have actually heard men say this?

                Like a man…with a kid…has straight up told you he bailed on his kid…and justified it? For that reason?

                • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                  No

                  • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                    Sorry too quick…I meant to say No, he usually bails and blames the baby mama

                • Royale W. Cheese

                  This reminds me of episode seven of Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl, the open mic part.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “Most dudes don’t have daddy specific issues though.”

              i actually disagree. i think that if daddy issues actually existed, just as many of us could be “diagnosed” with them

              • Todd

                Here’s my thing though. Men usually have much more opportunities to find father figures, whether through family or outside activities, than women typically do. Also, the lack of these opportunities is usually more reflective of issues within the great family structure, not the dad. There are few situations where the dad isn’t around, the family is fine AND a boy doesn’t have any father figures.

                • Royale W. Cheese

                  The fact that men are typically thinking about what chicks look like nekkid all the time makes it super hard for young ladies to find genuine father figures. Just sayin.

          • http://uphereoncloud9.wordpress.com/ Wu Young, Agent of M.E.

            A lot dudes use their daddy issues as a crutch. This is especially true if pops sucked. In my humble estimation I think all men have daddy issues in some form. It doesn’t matter if he was great or terrible at fatherhood. On one end we will try to live up to what pops did and on the other we will try live down what pops did. It’s clearly visible in every man.

            • Kidsister

              #agreed My father tries so hard not to be like his father and in many ways he succeeded. However, in many ways, he’s just like him. The same goes for my brother, who tries not to be like my father but I tell him all the time, its inevitable. Don’t fight it, embrace it.

              • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

                You’re spot on, ma. I was talking to my dad about this LAST NIGHT. No matter what path i created, in alot of ways i’m just like him. But it’s also what you choose to do with those traits. It’s not necessarily license to be a screw up if your dad was. That’s called free will.

                • Kidsister

                  Yes! You are absolutely right! #highfive on the free will!!!

            • Justmetheguy

              ” I think all men have daddy issues in some form. It doesn’t matter if he was great or terrible at fatherhood. ”

              I agree. Like my pops gave me male pattern baldness (practically right after I finished puberty) but not my brother. Favortism. Smh lol

              • Kidsister

                LMBO!!

      • Jhane Sez

        “in your estimation, what are daddy issues then?”

        I think a girl’s relationship with her father or father figure growing up plays an integral part of how she will relate to men as an adult… but the effect can be positive as well as negative.

        For myself I can’t imagine what my relationships with men would be like if I only had my father to use as a model. He was and still is a self-indulgent jackazz.

        But I was lucky, I had both grandfathers step in to fill that that role making my fathers behavior seem the exception rather than the rule.

        If my father had been my sole male influence I could see how I would have a very very negative view of men and how that would influence the choices that I would make.

        I think that what most clearly illustrates for me the importance of a fathers influence is actually raising a daughter, and watching her peer group go from being toddlers to young women making their own choices with regards to dating and other social behaviors.

        Because you have spent so much time around these kids, you know the families for the most part and kids put all their business on facebook, you see, almost without exception the girls who have gone wild, making bad public choices are the ones who don’t have fathers or good relationships with them.

        That is the one glaring common denominator, hands down.

        And while there is a laundry list of reasons for the bad or absent relationships, the end result is a net negative effect that profoundly changes the way these girls think of themselves and influences choices they make far into the future.

        It’s not that the damage is irreparable and that personal responsibility isn’t a factor… its more about the profound and lasting impact of the powerful influence that fathers have on little girls.

        Wait until you have kids, and they become teenagers… you’ll see ~ JS

      • Fivegirl

        I think daddy issues are any problem that you see in your dating life that reasonably comes from your relationship with your dad. My dad is a flake. If he told me he’d give me $20 for a school trip on Monday, I’d know that I was never going to see it. If he said he’d be at my basketball game in the afternoon, I wouldn’t see him until I got home. Because of this I don’t trust men to keep their word, and am inclined to do things on my own before a man can even offer his help or follow through on a promise. In a little girls mind, her dad is supposed to be the model for all men, so if he sucks, she’s gonna project that suckiness (yes I said suckiness) onto other men. Now if she uses daddy issues as an excuse for doing dumb sh*t like slapping men significantly larger than her that could knock her out in one blow, she deserves everything she gets because she’s full of sh*t and crazy, daddy or no daddy.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          “she’s gonna project that suckiness (yes I said suckiness) onto other men”
          Interesting choice of words…

      • GypsyCurl

        I think daddy issues (or issues in general) are more of an internal outlook on relationships, which manifest into a physical action, attribute or character. But not every action is the result of daddy issues. I think it is a thought process that effects who you choose to date, which may not be a bad thing.

        Here is my anecdotal story:
        B/c of my issues, I decided very early on that i would never settle for a man. The guy I dated would have to be the perfect man. So as a little girl (seriously, I was 9y.o.), I decided to completely stay away from boys and only focus on school. Throughout life I never really dated b/c I was obsesseed with not wanting to date/waste my time on the wrong guy. The down side is that I wad paranoid for awhile that I would never get married and have kids. The positive side is that I wasnt interested in thugs, idiots, jailbirds, weed smokers, drug dealers, etc. I dont have kids by any of those type of guys. I don’t have kids period and avoided being a teen mom with a deadbeat baby daddy. And no, I don’t know what’s sexy but I have degrees that don’t keep me warm at night. But best of all, I am dating someone that is perfect for me.

    • nubiankween

      not necessarily, it depends on the women….recognizing you have an issue is the. first step to healing, many women have openly acknowledged their daddy issues on their journey to healing. BTW, Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl is a great book for those with “daddy issues”

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      Whoop there it is!

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        “Whoop there it is” —> Krista’s comment on the barometer of telling which is aye and which is nay on the daddy issues.

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/ Naturally Alise

    I believe a lot of the daddy issues that allegedly don’t exist come from a lot of mamas making poor baby daddy decisions. *shruglife* My mama told me she knew my daddy won’t worth a danm but yet she chose to marry his punk azz anyway. She had a good daddy, what was her excuse. smh…

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      Maybe he was a ‘good’ daddy in that he was there and provided money and other things, but maybe did not provide emotionally???

      It could be variety of things…different people have different issues

      • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/ Naturally Alise

        Well according to her and her siblings he was there for them emotionally as well, of course they may deify him at this point, I dunno.

      • Book2

        Maybe he was a ‘good’ daddy in that he was there and provided money and other things, but maybe did not provide emotionally???

        THIS THIS THIS…can be a dream Killer! seen more in the surburban areas

    • Mo-VSS

      Damn homie…for some reason that comment made me sad and laugh all at once.

      I felt like a sour-patch kid reading it.

      • DQ

        LOL… first they’re sour then they’re sweet.

      • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/ Naturally Alise

        “I felt like a sour-patch kid reading it.”

        *snickers (and M&Ms)*

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Alise, go away. Like, far far away. Fly, even. Like Jenny in Forrest Gump.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        me too. felt like i was at some 12 step meeting.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      So it’s the woman’s fault that the father was negligent or bad parent. She shouldn’t have chose him….okay. I disagree. Yes there are sh*tty men out there and you can see them a mile away. However there are also good men who freak out at the thought of being a father or buckle under the pressure. You don’t always know what someone is going to do in a situation until it happens. Often times I see men try to be good dads in the beginning but get remarried or move on later resulting in them being distant with the child. Yes women need to make better choices but that statement is a huge generalization and placing the blame in the wrong direction. As a single mother, I always get low key offended when ppl make that statement. (By single I mean not married, he’s a good father) Many women get pregnant by not using condoms in a relationship and MANY ppl don’t use condoms in a relationship. I don’t know many women who “choose” baby daddies. We ALL have made poor choices in who we decide to date in general. Men abadoning their pregnant girlfriends is a huge problem that needs to be put on the MEN.

      • Justmetheguy

        @Smartfoxgirl- I hear what you’re saying. You made some good points, but I’m gonna have to respectfully disagree. I’m of the school of thought that the FIRST time you choose to have sex with someone without a condom, you’re choosing for them to be your baby daddy/mama. I know that’s kinda harsh and may sound like a helluva stretch (it also probably seems like a “holier than thou” thing to say), but it’s reality. I realize that I’m biased, seeing as how I just came out of a ltr with a woman who was beyond paranoid about pregnancy and was an absolute Nazi about insisting that I wear condoms (even when she was drunk) but in general WAAAAY too many black people think that it (the decision to forego protection) should be excused/ignored if the pregnancy happened by accident. The choice to not wear a condom if a HUGE and entirely significant/relevant decision to make, even though it’s usually made in the heat of the horny *ss moment. I don’t judge ppl who end up being parents prematurely as bad or irresponsible ppl, but it’s something that can’t be swept under the rug just because it’s understandable or a common occurrence. It’s still based off of a choice. Action and inaction are both choices with consequences unfortunately. I do agree that men can show their true colors and appear to be entirely different human beings when such drastic news as a pregnancy comes out, but I think too many women use this to absolve themselves from blame. I would imagine in most cases it’s a little bit of both (he changed his behavior after the news hit him, and/or she should’ve been aware of his character flaws and or irresponsibility before having raw sex with him) but either way the stakes are too high to not be uber-thorough (not sure if that is an acceptable compound word) about who you’re barebacking with. Just my two cents though. I’m sure quite a few of you disagree with me… (passionate rebuttal coming in 5,4,3,2…)

        • Mo-VSS

          Nope, not holier than thou by any means…my mom told me ANYONE I slept with was the potential father of my kid. Looking at it that way, I surely was stocked up on bc and VERY selective. People need to keep it real about that.

        • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          You’re preaching to the choir as I agree and I’m from the School of Thought as well…HOWEVER… :) I live in a reality where once 2 people are in a relationship, after a few months, the gloves come off and she goes on the pill, pull out, etc. I agree that this is a huge problem because people may cheat or bring diseases home unintentionally, etc but that’s another topic for another today. When talking about choice in partner, you’re absolutely right but my point is: how does all the blame go on the mother while the man has the option to leave and go blameless when it comes to pregnancy? That’s my problem. It’s both people to decided to go raw and it’s HIS fault for abandoning his child. It’s not all about dead beat men and noticing the signs. People change, relationships end, divorce happens, etc and sometimes ppl think parenting is optional once the relationship with the mother ends. Either way, I don’t like the generalization that all women should have “picked better baby daddies”. To be honest, I think it’s ignorant and offensive to all the single mothers out there. We all need to live life and open our minds that everyone’s life isn’t the same or black/white AND we have all made poor choices regarding who we sleep with…pregnancy or not. I know a TON of men who have bare backed with the skankiest of women.

          • Justmetheguy

            ” my point is: how does all the blame go on the mother while the man has the option to leave and go blameless when it comes to pregnancy?”

            He doesn’t…I’m not even a dad at all and I feel guilty all the damn time from constantly hearing about how sorry and no-good black men (typically) are as fathers. It makes me cringe and I’m not even a perpetrator. I think we all have the tendency to focus solely on the criticism that’s directed at us and miss or downplay the criticism that others receive. Hell Obama sh*ts on the fathers every Father’s Day, not the mothers who slept with them. I can understand how you feel attacked though, men tend to focus on women’s choices a little more than those men’s responsibilities as humans (I guess we tend to feel that that part is obvious). Men just tend to be more able to see through other men’s bs and charisma and judge each other’s character better. I guess that’s why we get so frustrated to see so many knuckleheads and idiots locking down dimes and pro-creating on the reg. (shootout to Kenny Powers for that phrase, I use it all the time lol)

            ” I know a TON of men who have bare backed with the skankiest of women.” Me too, and I always tell em how dumb they are and how effed up that is to do to their future children. smdh

            • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              I agree with all of this. I just want to add that the father of my child is a very good father and he doesn’t fall in the dead beat dad category we’re talking about. I was just speaking on the big brush single moms get painted with. Also, we were in a ltr too…11 years (together for 4 when I got pregnant) So needless to say, I am exclusive too and choose my partners wisely as well. I hear alot of negativity about Black mothers and get sad at all the labels. We’re not all the same. Plus despite how picky I am for myself, I know not everyone is that way. We all make mistakes.

        • SunaoButterfly

          *raises hand* Actually, Justmet, I agree with you.

          This conversation has popped up a lot, about who’s “responsible” in these sorts of situations: woman with a deadbeat should know better, deadbeats need to man up, yadda yadda yadda. But you’re right from get-go: yes, chances are a woman who gets pregnant will be “stuck” with the baby if daddy decides to pull a vanishing act, but the fact of the matter is that people have no business schmanging if they don’t know about the birds and the bees. The reproduction process isn’t exactly a secret. You ride bareback, you run the risk of having a mini-me 9 months down the line. It really is that simple, and there’s nothing holier-than-thou about it. Impaired judgment is not an excuse for bad decision-making.

      • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/ Naturally Alise

        Not putting ALL blame, but you can’t agree that decisions makes a huge difference? I am gonna put life on blast: My mama married a man who already had 3 kids who he didn’t take care of from 3 different women. That was poor decision making that greatly influenced my life. Of course she could have been with a guy with a different background and had similar results, but the odds would have been more in her favor.

        • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Of course decisions make a difference. That’s common sense. I had a problem with you saying all women and the focus being on women and all. :) Not to disrespect your mom but a guy with 3 kids by 3 women is a bold sign. Not all men comes with signs that bold. Also, ppl react differently to tough times, some don’t handle divorce/break ups well, and some men think that financially supporting the child alone is enough to be a parent.

        • Justmetheguy

          @Naturally Alise- That’s rough. Sorry you had to go through that. I applaud your honesty though. That’s a sensitive topic for most ppl. The last sentence ” Of course she could have been with a guy with a different background and had similar results, but the odds would have been more in her favor.” was a great summary.

          I agree with SFG though. Most signs aren’t THAT obvious. I can definitely see how a woman who’s grown up mostly around other women would have trouble deciphering warning signs and reading a man’s character (it’s not easy to do at all, especially when he’s constantly sweet talking you and showing you his best most passionate and loving side).

          ” Also, ppl react differently to tough times, some don’t handle divorce/break ups well, and some men think that financially supporting the child alone is enough to be a parent”

          I agree with this statement 200% When I hear dudes talking about child support, it’s hard for me to understand the concept as a noun instead of a verb. My dad handled both, so I can’t relate to the situations most of these guys are coming from, so I do my best not to pass judgment, but I swear I don’t get why so many of them won’t at least TRY. Some things I’ll never understand. Human psychology consists of contradictions on top of conundrums…smh

      • Mo-VSS

        That wasn’t the point she made in her comment. She said her mother told her that she KNEW BEFORE she married him (and I presume had kids) that he wasn’t worth half a damn. In that situation, that is largely her fault for choosing someone who wasn’t what she would want in many ways, but loved anyway.

        Let’s not sweep under the rug the fact that there are times when a woman can see the “ain’t sh*tness” from the start but proceeds anyway. That’s what this was. Not to negate those dudes who do a 180 and cut and run when they realize the responsibility attached to raising a child. But I didn’t see that reflected in what she said.

    • Eddie_Brock

      Was your dad’s name Chauncey by any chance?

  • T-Mac

    “If a woman f*cks an illegal alien it’s because her dad got abducted by a UFO.” <LMBO! Real tears

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i’m glad that good dads getting abducted by aliens is funny to you

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    BEFORE 50 POSTS COME IN SAYING DADDY ISSUES DO EXIST, CHAMP DID NOT DENY THAT THEY IN FACT DON’T. PLEASE REREAD THE POST IF THAT IS WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO TYPE

    This isn’t meant to minimize the importance of a father in a young woman’s life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dads matter and shit. But, using daddy issues as a universal excuse, distinction, and diagnosis subtly absolves accountability, making all dads equal scapegoats for shitty behavior.

    • Andi

      lol nice try Malik. I’m sure there will still be some pissy folks who didn’t attend Derek Zoolander’s School for Kids who Can’t Read Good.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “lol nice try Malik. I’m sure there will still be some pissy folks who didn’t attend Derek Zoolander’s School for Kids who Can’t Read Good.”

        i’m counting on it. won’t be as entertaining without it

    • Fivegirl

      true, but if you look at the post this way, there’s no point in responding. Using anything as a universal excuse for completely irrational behavior is bullsh*t. period the end. post over. see you guys tomorrow….

      it’s the nuances that make a conversation great

      • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Exactly, why else would he write a provocative generalizing post with a disclaimer? Let’s get ready to ruuuuuumble!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          and for once, we agree. lol.

          • Justmetheguy

            Yeah, +2 On Fivegirl and Wild Cougar. You can’t spend an entire post proving a conclusion you jumped to (not to mention the title) then spend one sentence (using the fighting words “blah blah blah”) stating very unenthusiastically that they do exist but aren’t a big deal and then expect other ppl to not contribute their 32 cents. Champ’s a vet, he knows it doesn’t work like that. He was just baiting y’all lol. I like the tactic though, I use it often when I wanna get people talking. Well played sir

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        Exactly. It’s when writers throw in ONE politically correct statement in a post filled with other statements they know will envoke an emotion/response from their readers. This statement is common sense, obviously we know universal excuses are wrong. to justify the rest of the post that clearly states his reasons as to why he believes that daddy issues aren’t as common as we think.

        Why else make the title of the post “Why Daddy Issues Don’t Really Exist”. We all learned in school that the body of the writing should support the title and vice versa.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yeah…don’t let the Man – in this case Champ – off the hook.

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      But, daddy issues do exist. *Otis scream*

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    Daddy issues…I think that a woman’s issues with her father is it’s own separate thing from her issues with herself and her issues with men because as some point, she’s a grown @ss woman and she has to be accountable for herself. Daddy is important. Momma is important. But they can only take you so far into your life before it’s time you start thinking, feeling, and doing things for yourself, possibly with the guidelines that they taught you, but not with a necessarily deep seated need to please either of them.

    You can’t blame the dealer for your hand; you work with what you got, accept it, and play it to the fullest because you almost always end up with a better hand than someone else.

    • DQ

      ****I think that a woman’s issues with her father is it’s own separate thing from her issues with herself and her issues with men because as some point, she’s a grown @ss woman and she has to be accountable for herself. ****

      But how she becomes the woman she eventually becomes (grown a$$ and all) is still does have some impact on her issues with men doesn’t it? And just because we take note of it, doesn’t absolve her (or anyone else that has a choice) of those decisions.

      • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        Not necessarily, no. By keeping Daddy issues with her and Daddy and separating Daddy from other men, the issues become separate and easier (relatively) to conquer.

        As Champ said, we could we tie every interaction between a man and woman back to the interactions between a girl and her father as the father is the blueprint for the “prototype” of sorts for the man in her life in the most important ways which are security, comfort, and love. That’s it. Otherwise I don’t think of the men I fall in love with and my Daddy in the same thought, hell sometimes not even in the same day.

        Can a grown woman have daddy issues? Yes, but to an extent that is reasonable given her circumstances and relationship with her father.

        • DQ

          I honestly don’t think we could tie every interaction between a man and a woman back to her relationship with her father (nor do I mean to suggest it). What I am suggesting is that whether we turn out well adjusted or poorly adjusted, our early development had some influence on that (for good or for bad)

          Of course, what Champ (and probably you too) are saying is that false positives are not impossible here. We can come across a woman, who had a compromised relationship with her father who engaged in unacceptable behavior once grown, but it may not specifically be driven by un-reconciled issues w/her father. I don’t disagree… but determining which is which… that’s the trick.

          • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

            I agree that early life interactions with parents shape a person.

            However, I don’t think figuring out if a woman’s daddy issues are legit falls in anybody else’s court but hers. While going though life issues I found that most of my problems with my father were problems that I had within myself separate of him that just came to fruition in his presence. I made myself aware of it. I talked to him about it. And it’s no longer a problem. That’s the true trick, getting the girls with the legit issues, daddy or otherwise to talk about them; I know a lot of women who spend their whole days talking not saying one genuine thing, and I often think about who they are as people inside their head. Do they talk about anything that truly matters to them, or that can better them?

            *heaves a sigh while dragging tail to work* :( I miss you guys and my sleep…but mostly you guys! .

            • DQ

              ****However, I don’t think figuring out if a woman’s daddy issues are legit falls in anybody else’s court but hers.****

              Agree to disagree here. If I’m the recipient of her bad behavior, I feel I have a stake in knowing the cause (so as to discern a potential remedy). Anyway -

              We miss you too Tes. ;)

    • E

      I hear you, but there’s a reason why we make the choices we make. There’s a reason why we behave the way we do. A lot of it comes from how we were brought up. What/who was in our life and what wasn’t.

      As noted in my earlier comment, I don’t believe we should explain things away under Daddy Issues, but for those that are legit – recognize where the source of the problem is.

      • E

        Also, for those who don’t have Daddy Issues who wanna claim that, they got other issues to work with that they need to address.

    • Mo-VSS

      I have issues with my mother. So does that mean that every woman I encounter I project my mom issues onto and never can have a successful friendship with another female? No.

      So, why is it that when dad isn’t around, ain’t sh*t, watches too much NFL or whatever that it almost automatically means the man she’s with is a projection of that former issue? I agree with both Tes and Champ that after a while, it doesn’t matter anymore. There’s an issue. It needs tending to…so fix it.

      End.of.story.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “So, why is it that when dad isn’t around, ain’t sh*t, watches too much NFL or whatever that it almost automatically means the man she’s with is a projection of that former issue?”

        that the trillion dollar question

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I agree with you but disagree with the premise. Obviously if there’s a problem it does need to just be fixed, but if you don’t at least acknowledge where the problem comes from to begin with, you’ll constantly make those same mistakes that cause the rest of the world to say you have “daddy issues” (in this case).

        While champ said that nobody says we have “Human issues” the fact is, we probably could and should say that. People are flawed and have children and screw up their kids all the time. that’s the main crux. while “daddy issues” do get the highlight, especially in our community, they just get the hightlight b/c mama was there. but mama was projecting her issues with daddy onto the kid too.

        point is, somebody has to be the culprit so you blame the ninja that wasn’t there to defend himself. lol.

        i lost my point.

      • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

        I feel that is a scapegoat to some issue that particular person is too lazy (or chicken sh!t) to face. No one can pass off their faults to someone else and be legitimately regarded as a grown up in my opinion, because part of being a decent adult includes dealing with yourself, coming to grips with some painful stuff, and honestly looking in the mirror and deciding what you want and don’t want to define as a person. If ANYBODY, male or female, decides to blame their behavior on someone else, then they’re just cheating themselves of life that could be better without that gripe.

        Basically, deal with your stuff. Life will be better if you do.

    • Tichelle

      “You can’t blame the dealer for your hand; you work with what you got, accept it, and play it to the fullest because you almost always end up with a better hand than someone else.”

      +1. this is what it means to be an ADULT. things happen, life sucks sometimes BUT you pick up the pieces, learn a lesson and KEEP MOVING FORWARD (shout out to Meet the Robinsons #disneyfan – yes, i realize it’s ironic that i’m discussing adulthood and shouting out disney….*shrug*). most are so concerned with being (telling everyone they are) a grown @ss man/woman, they forget to embrace adulthood. yes, a man is a little girl’s first boyfriend and that relationship WILL affect her dating life…..BUT it is up to her to recognize her flaws and limitations and move forward from those issues. we’ve all got issues, beleeedat. Being an adult requires CHANGE. and GROWTH.

      *steps off soapbox, picks up my notes from MY counseling sessions ON THE SAME TOPIC, gets back to this pharmacotherapy book*

      • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        The reason for your behavior and the cause of your behavior is not the same thing. Basically.

      • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

        dang im mad i wrote that above before i read this. TRUTH, with a +1, homie.

      • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

        and i also feel like there should be a man/woman the heck up clause when you get to a certain age/place in life, that is punishable by law if you decide to make mama/daddy issue statements that place blame for your irresponsibility on other ppl.

        • Tichelle

          “and i also feel like there should be a man/woman the heck up clause when you get to a certain age/place in life, that is punishable by law if you decide to make mama/daddy issue statements that place blame for your irresponsibility on other ppl.”

          I second that emotion, shout out to smokey robinson

  • Madame Zenobia

    What’s hilarious is earlier tonight I was joking with my date about strip clubs and he asked if I’d ever get on stage and my response was “Oh no, my Daddy loved me when I was a kid.”

    I’ve always thought all women do have Daddy issues. Either you had a bad one and that effects your relationships negatively or you had a good one so you (think) you are better at recognizing good men.

    At the end of of the day with I think in the situationy our friend is the one with the issue. (no offense) Yeah, occasionally you’ll run into the mature 23-year-old, but realistically a 23 yr old and a 31 yr old are going to be (or should be) at two different places emotionally/maturity-wise. Her strange behavior aside she’s going to be young, emotional and flaky because she’s 23. That’s what you do at 23 – you think about yourself and your needs not much else. If that’s not what your friend wanted in a relationship he shouldn’t date chicks in their early 20′s. Flaky and emotional is part of the territory at that age. Just because she’s immature (or less mature than him) doesn’t mean she has Daddy issues, it means she’s young. (Again, subtracting the weird behavior – the sitting in the car at 30 degrees thing is just straight up looney.)

    • cdot

      cosign to alladat!!!!!

      ps: Dear Champ, entire post had me LMAO!!! U too stoopid for words….

    • Mo-VSS

      I thought that too. That’d be like me whining to a friend about why some 50+ year old man won’t come to the club with me and how I need to leave his boring azz. Uhm…if I wanted a dude who attended club functions, then I would have surely picked in the wrong age bracket.

      Sometimes folks need to learn how their limitations (in his case, misguided expectations) contribute to their own strife.

      • Madame Zenobia

        Exactly!!!

        • sunshyne84

          mm hmm

    • Jhane Sez

      “Her strange behavior aside she’s going to be young, emotional and flaky because she’s 23. That’s what you do at 23 – you think about yourself and your needs not much else. If that’s not what your friend wanted in a relationship he shouldn’t date chicks in their early 20?s. Flaky and emotional is part of the territory at that age.”

      Yes, it sounded like she had a tantrum and was waiting for him to run after her… 23 often translates into not fully cooked.

      When I read the scenario I couldn’t help think about a scene from Husbands and Wives a Woody Allen film. Where a 50 something leaves his wife for a 20 something smoking hot aerobic instructor… and its great at first she makes him feel young and influences him to get healthier and of course the sex was great. And all is right with the world

      Until he introduces her to his friends, and gets into a heated debate with them about the validity of astrology, dude is embarrassed and tries to get her out of there, but she starts making a scene, kicking and screaming like a child and when he tries to put her in the car, she locks her knees and won’t go.

      Considering Woody Allen directed I’m sure he had some first hand experience with these types of scenarios, as they are a reoccurring theme in many of his movies starting with Manhattan and ending in marrying Soon Yi the daughter of his ex Mia Farrow that he helped raise.

      While I don’t think that 31 and 23 treads in Woody Allen territory… there is something to be said about punching in your weight class.

      I think what went down says more about his judgement than her perceived daddy issues ~JS

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        Yes, this makes me think of Millionaire Matchmaker. She’s always telling the older guys they need to stop chasing 23 year olds when they said they really want marriage, kids,and long term committment. She’ll give them a test women (a young, pretty, 21 year old who the guys would normally fall for) and most of them still go with the young chicks even with opposite advice from the matchmaker.

        • Jhane Sez

          “Yes, this makes me think of Millionaire Matchmaker. She’s always telling the older guys they need to stop chasing 23 year olds when they said they really want marriage, kids,and long term commitment.”

          EXACTLY… and they get burned every single time. But this is also true of women the women she consults with remember the whack job that ran out on a dude her age because she said he was ancient… after she picked him.

          You know it makes me wonder why the subject is daddy issues and not when is young too young.

          Because we live in a culture where we have a lot of freedoms socially, but it never ceases to amaze me that both men and women who are having a hard time finding ‘the one’… and don’t consider age as a factor. ~JS

    • Please, No Photos

      “realistically a 23 yr old and a 31 yr old are going to be (or should be) at two different places emotionally/maturity-wise. If that’s not what your friend wanted in a relationship he shouldn’t date chicks in their early 20?s.”

      You’ve missed the point! The point is as Champ so eloquently stated in his post, that point being “her quite distinguished ass-to-waist ratio”. Love it or hate it, that factor alone makes some otherwise unacceptable behavior acceptable (for a while) and equalizes many age disparities.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “You’ve missed the point! The point is as Champ so eloquently stated in his post, that point being “her quite distinguished ass-to-waist ratio”. Love it or hate it, that factor alone makes some otherwise unacceptable behavior acceptable (for a while) and equalizes many age disparities”

        yeah, a nice ass-to-waist ratio has a way of making up for and “cleaning” other mistakes. basically, it’s like ed reed or dwight howard

        • Madame Zenobia

          I understand the concept of letting physical features make up for the bad stuff in a relationship but confused as to why a nice ass-to-waist ratio can’t be found in someone closer to his age and/or in a more mature person?

          I’m just saying in this situation your friend blames this girl’s immaturity on Daddy issues once he gets sick of her being a typical 23 year old. I think he’s the one who missed the point once he got past the nice ass-to-waist ratio – she’s 23, she acts like a 23 year old, if that’s not what you want seek out a 28 year old with a nice ass-to-waist ratio – she’s less like to sit in a car and pout in 30 degree weather.

          • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

            it was just a lapse in judgement. Dames with frames will distort reality like that sometimes. Women, don’t front. Yall go through it too. Homeboy’s ordeal was just posted on the internets.

            • Kidsister

              But we’ve gone over this so many times…that girl is poison.

          • Joy

            I don’t know….I’m 23 and I know plenty of people in my age range (I’d say 20-25) who don’t act like this girl, like a 7 year old. She probably does have daddy issues: daddy’s little spoiled brat princess.

  • Mo-VSS

    Let’s just say Daddy Issues are real, but everything isn’t a daddy issue.

    Now time for a PSA:

    Here’s what I’d like to offer for some of us black folk that don’t like to think that mental issues exist (don’t worry, I’ll make the correlation soon). Sometimes people are emotionally unstable because they are mentally ill and not diagnosed. I know we associate mental illness with homeless folks in the park talking to themselves and self medicating with drugs/alcohol. But, there are plenty of seemingly “normal” people with bizarre behaviors (like the behavior your friend’s girl displayed) that, at best is just strange and at not-so-best is some form of mental illness.

    Regularly scheduled programming resuming in 3…2…1…

    Now back to daddy issues. You’re right. If everything is related back to parents or daddies then we can all claim that excuse for any destructive or counterproductive behavior. The solution isn’t to trace the behavior to the root of the problem and be done. The solution is to fix the behaviors so people can have healthy relationships. And really, after a certain time passes, what your parents, aunts, play cousins and the rest of ‘nem did in their lives. All that matters is what you’re doing with yours.

    • Hawaii

      All of this.
      Just all of it… on point. ;)

    • Ms. My2Cents

      That whole last paragraph…my sentiments exactly!!!

      Purposefully wallowing in ones circumstances and making no concerted effort to move through/past them and improve yourself gets no sympathy from me. Harsh…maybe, truth…yes. In my experience, few ppl even make the effort to trace their behavior to it’s root cause, let alone move past it!

      On a slightly more general scale than “daddy issues”, I think people have a hard time with change. As we become grown folks, this usually goes from being dependent and things happening to you to being accountable and responsible for your future outcomes in life. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes it’s hard to envision the payoff for the struggle. You’ve got to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and keep pushing through.

    • Todd

      Agreed, especially with the last paragraph. Granted, people do have some jacked up relationships with their fathers or their family in general. At some point you have to move forward. Unfortunately, so many people (especially, and unfortunately, Black folk) are so caught up in looking proud and not looking shameful that they won’t even go there with their issues, lest they show weakness. At some point, that pride is one hell of a drug, and it WILL kill you. I know I had to swallow a lot of pride for my issues, and I had a father that loved me. My mother….different story. :)

      • Mo-VSS

        I wish Champ and P would write about how pride is killing the black community and especially the black family. Maybe they have and I just need to search the archives for it.

    • LSQ

      one thing we can learn from this (as a father).
      Fathers: don’t tolerate, encourage, or reward temper tantrums from your daughter. yea she is wonderful, beautiful, and the center of the universe (mine are anyway), BUT, the last thing you want to create is a self-centered, tantrum-throwing, daddy’s girl that must get her way, all the time.

      • Kidsister

        Did somebody say my name?

        • LSQ

          lawd

          • Kidsister

            LOL…If it helps, I think “a self-centered, tantrum-throwing, daddy’s girl that must get her way, all the time” describes me in general but not necessarily in my romantic relationships. In my romantic relationship, making my guy happy makes me happy. However, that statement does come with a few disclaimers.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      This is a good point. Identifying the source of problems isn’t done so people can continue f*cking up for the rest of their lives and spouting some random childhood events as an excuse. But we can better understand where to start working on ourselves effectively if we can get a clearer pictures where our problems stem from.

      What you said also supports the point of the post (I think) we are all traumatized and shaped in some form or fashion by our families as we grow up. That makes us varied and unique and, sometimes, crazy as hell.