I don’t know how things that become things become things. I just know that one day, something is not a thing. And then, the next day, that thing is a thing. You can argue that the surest way to make a thing a thing is for it to have a celebrity shout out. We can list dozens of things that became things — Evizu, making “young” a prefix before everyone’s name, marrying a Black woman, etc — just because Jay-Z made them things. But, celebrity shout outs don’t always work, hence Shonda Rhimes’ failed attempt to make “bitchbaby” a thing a couple weeks ago.
Anyway, #byefelicia has become a really big thing in the past year, despite the fact that the movie the catchphrase stems from is 20 years old. It will never be more popular than it is right now. Which means it’s the perfect time for it to retire. It would be a shame to see #byefelicia pull a Kobe and hang on for two years too many just to break a couple records and perfect an underbite face. Instead, #byefelicia needs to pull a Barry Sanders and unexpectedly disappear somewhere in Kansas, only to reappear for occasional commercials and to restock on texturizer.
If #byefelicia does decide to retire, #byeelizabeth — in honor of Elizabeth Lauten, the GOP staffer who went at the Obama kids, apologized, and resigned today — should take its place. Don’t agree? Well, here’s three reasons why you should.
1. “Felicia” and “Elizabeth” have close to the same amount of syllables.
2. It took approximately 17 minutes for Lauten to write the original statement, receive the social media pushback, apologize for it, and resign. That shit happened quicker than a crackhead’s heartbeat. You’d be hard-pressed to find another example of someone saying “Hi everyone, I’m here!” and “Shit, I’m leaving now.” as fast as she did.
3. Right before Bill and Beatrix fight in Kill Bill Vol 2, Bill reminds Beatrix he is a murdering bastard and that there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. I am not a murdering bastard, but there are consequences to attempting to direct shade in Malia’s and Sasha’s direction — especially when your ass got arrested as a teen for shoplifting. Your name becoming a popular hashtag should be one of them.