Why Baltimore Raven/Mathematician John Urschel Is The Blackest Person Who Ever Existed This Week » VSB

blackest thing, Race & Politics, Sports, Theory & Essay

Why Baltimore Raven/Mathematician John Urschel Is The Blackest Person Who Ever Existed This Week

1. Because math — not English, not social studies, not horticulture, not even science — is the Blackest subject. At least it is according to JR Writer. And Fabulous. And Cassidy. And every other rapper who’s devoted several bars to bragging about dropping out of school but always being good at math. Because being good at math means you’re good at counting money and vials of crack, apparently.

But seriously, math is the Blackest because it has no Oxford comma controversy. None of us were taught that two plus two equals four all through school, only to become adults and learn “Well, actually. Two plus two can be six sometimes now. But it can also still be four if you want it to be. It really depends on your interpretation. You can believe either. It doesn’t really matter.

Math isn’t here for your post-racial bullshit. And neither is Blackness.

2. Because Blackness is Jamal Wallace in Finding Forrester proving Professor Crawford wrong and causing him to make a face (at the 0:48 mark) like a cat just farted in his mouth. It’s walking into Neiman Marcus, having a salesperson ask if you need any help in the most obviously “You and I both know you don’t belong here. Why don’t you try Rainbow?“-ingest way, and you matter-of-factly saying “No thanks. Was just brought on as the company’s new COO. And just wanted to tour our stores this week to see which things are no longer useful and need to go.” (And you saying it like you’re in an early-90s comedy, playing a character a Wayans brother would totally play.)

Basically, it’s both defying and thumbing your nose at who you’re expected to be and what you’re expected to be capable of. And not really thinking much about it cause that’s just who you are and what you do.

And I think a 6’5′, 320 pound Black professional athlete publishing papers with titles like “A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector of Graph Laplacians” — a name that could probably also double as the name of the worst Star Wars prequel ever — qualifies.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • iamnotakata

    Yes, and with all that said is he single? Shiiiiittt he’s my type Tall, smart and handsome!! Let me go ask Google lol

    • human

      But are you his type

      • iamnotakata

        niece…..

  • Stacie Ford-Bonnelle

    DAYUM!! and FAHN too!

    • Nicholas Peters

      cysed

  • miss t-lee

    Math would’ve been a favorite subject if I had ol boy as an instructor.
    Jesucristo.

    • Keisha

      LOL…forget favorite subject. I would have changed my major!

      • miss t-lee

        I see ya!!!!

      • Mimzi

        you get me.

    • MzzPeaches

      Low key he looks like my math teacher Dr. Diaz from College Algebra (university name withheld unless I want my thirst exposed).

      I was never interested in math until I took his class. I sat from row that year to get all the knowledge he was giving out :)

        • MzzPeaches

          HA! You will not have me spitting coffee on this monitor lol

      • miss t-lee

        In all my educational endeavors, I never had a good looking teacher.

        • CrayolaGirl

          My high school had one…fine a$$ 20-something yr old black man.
          He was fired for giving the D to a number of students.

          • miss t-lee

            SEE.
            Just terrible.

          • MzzPeaches

            No! That’s awful. I had a fine azz math teacher in middle school, history teacher in HS, and college my math teacher. All of them made it VERY clear that there were boundaries to this student/teacher thang.

            • CrayolaGirl

              He did it for years and his only boundary was they had to be a certain age. He wasn’t arrested just fired.

              • That’s right. If the girl is legal, it isn’t a court case in many states. The worse they can do is a public corruption case for abusing your power as a public official…and that’s only for public schools.

                • miss t-lee

                  Yeah, try that ish here…you’re going to jail.

          • Tx10inch

      • I recently had an opportunity to fugg a former assistant track coach of mine but he hadn’t aged well so I “lost” his number.

        • MzzPeaches

          Oh wow. That not aging well is a mutha. On the flip side, I had a professor who used to throw me vibes in undergrad and I was too slow to pick up on the signals. Now if I ran into him at some type of conference or panel, *Nikki Parker voice* “Heyyyy Professor!”

    • in all my years of school, i think maybe twice i got a fine teacher. Now you see all these teachers online posting thirst traps next to their graded papers…where was yall when i was walking

      • miss t-lee

        LOL!!! Life is so unfair.

      • Now that’s something I’ve never seen before. Thirst trapping teachers? Someone needs to end this drought and give people all the fluids they need.

      • Epsilonicus

        I had about 3-5 attractive teachers my entire life. Even in college there wan’t anyone.

        • There was a TA that was kinda cute, but yeah we need more fine teachers, keep the kids in school

          • Epsilonicus

            You know how many classes I would not have skipped…

        • I had a lot of attractive teachers.also a lot of teachers and principle having chex with the make and female study body!

          • Epsilonicus

            My schools never had that issue. Our issue was that teachers were smanging each other, smanging parents, or getting their mistresses pregnant

          • there were like 2-3 teachers who had rumors, but they were also young black and had all the girls awooning so we was probably just hating

            • You have a lot of hate in your heart.

              • AlwaysCC

                that made me giggle

      • Keisha

        I only had one..it was in college. He was some kind of gorgeous! Still is actually…we’re Facebook friends. :-)

  • NomadaNare

    :D

  • And to think, I took the easy way out and stopped at whatever the minimum requirement was to fulfill my Biology degree…..

    I feel cheated!!!

  • Math is easy but boring for me. If I were to start all over I’d like to explore physics and the golden ratio. That seems interesting.

    Off-topic, ladies I had no idea Hitachi’s were that intense. How do you survive?!

    • Considering that Hitachis are to freaky $ex what Lowry’s Seasoning Salt is to old Black Southern moms, I’m surprised you’re just learning this. Now all you need is cuffs or rope to go with that and…*cackle*

      • Not everyone lives in a chex dungeon.

        • Who says that I live in a $ex dungeon? I have a young child who I protect from innocent things. But when I do stash her somewhere, I have fun. :)

          • Naw you just react to all vaguely chex comments like everything is vanilla and bland and beneath you.

    • Keisha

      What are hitachis?

      • “Back massagers”

        • Keisha

          Oooohhh…gotcha.

          • I’ll say that there some people who got the Hitachi game working proper. Like they got Hitachis to match outfits and ish. The best one is someone who really peeped game to me and owns 6 of them, swapping them out as they overheat to keep the party going. And waterproofs them too.

            • Keisha

              Wow! Clearly I’m way behind the curve…

      • MzzPeaches

        GIRL! 0_0 “Step into the light Carol Ann…”

    • MsSula

      “Off-topic, ladies I had no idea Hitachi’s were that intense. How do you survive?!”

      Small doses.

    • miss t-lee

      I like all my parts just fine without desensitization.

      • Just have to take breaks apparently.

        • miss t-lee

          Nope.

  • A few thoughts:

    – Every nerdy Black chick in America is going to be asking him to do that WORK. Take that as many ways as needed.

    – Mick Foley and Urschel need to write a book on how to do things accepted by intellectuals all while paying your bills bashing people’s heads in.

    – His pub straight ethers my whole track record. Like I wanna publish some new ish to keep up if this is the new game.

    – Off topic, but apparently, this site is merging with my kink life. I’ve managed to find pictures of women rocking their I <3 Bougie Black Girls shirts along with a discussion thread about Obsidian's latest blog over on Fetlife. Perhaps we need a fan club over there….LOL

    • Nicholas Peters

      He starts for the Ravens too.pretty good…will probably marry a white chick

      • Hey, my hope is that it encourages the Baller Alert crowd to take on more STEM majors. Though they’ll probably use Graph Theory to figure out trifling h0es in their social media networks and come up with mathematically efficient ways to use weave.

  • Keisha

    Math was always my favorite subject. I can’t believe he’s only 23…I’m impressed! Might need to reconsider my position on dating younger men. ;-)

    • HeyBooHey

      Math was definitely my favorite subject and I’m still a math geek now lol. And I feel you on the reconsideration lol. Just started dating younger guys, but I’d also reconsider dating football players & long-distance relationships for Johnny Boy o_O

      • Keisha

        LOL… How has your dating experience been with younger guys?

        • HeyBooHey

          Interesting lol. I’m 30, the youngest has been 24 who lasted a month and was only really good for putting me onto Empire. Talking to a 26yr old who has an old soul so we balance out, sometimes he’s more mature than me lol. I never went younger but the youngins started bustin out the bando this year so I gave in & tried it. They’ve all been fun to get to know and some were more spontaneous during the dating process. I figure as long as they’re employed, respectful, and know what’s required to date me, I can give them a chance like any other guy.

          • Keisha

            Oh cool! I turned 31 last month so we’re in the same boat. 26 is probably the youngest I’d want to go, but life happens so we’ll see. My biggest concerns are maturity level and the amount of things we’d actually have in common. Like you said, if they have everything together there’s nothing wrong with giving it a try. Thanks!

            • HeyBooHey

              Oh girl, yes lol!!! Maturity is a big deal for me, I screen them thoroughly when they first approach me so I know if they’re even worth a number exchange lol. They’ve all been more mature for their age and mostly dated older women before me, funny enough. Having stuff in common definitely helps, the current is damn near a male version of me so it’s a plus lol. And if nothing else, it’s just meeting a cool person for a moment in time so just see what happens. Good luck!

  • Andrea

    “You wanna know how to rhyme you better learn how to add. It’s mathematics” Dante
    MATHEMATICIANS What up! We in the Building! We Blackety Black! And we Black y’all!

    • Nicholas Peters

      Yall ain’t that special…everyone knows 3+3=6

      • Andrea

        1 day on VSB. Why won’t you let us have 1 day???

        • Nicholas Peters

          all I see is 2 triangles and a tangent, some letters, a few formulas, and an extra fancy title…

          • Andrea

            I’m blacker than midnight on Broadway and Myrtle

            • Nicholas Peters

              with a tan or no tan?…because not 1 of yall n!ggas has been outside while you are doing your equations

              • Andrea

                Yeah. No tan gent. Ha.

                • Nicholas Peters

                  …and then yall wonder why you don’t get any days on VSB…

                  • Andrea

                    “Cause you haters got PhDs. Y’all just some major haters and some math minors” Cyhi the Prynce

                    • Nicholas Peters

                      So you were Apalled by that joke too?

                    • I appreciate these references.

                • CrayolaGirl

                  Is it bad that even though you’re wearing clothes in your avi and this pic all I see is you without?

                  • Andrea

                    OMG. LOL That is Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                    • Andrea

                      Graphic Imagery. Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • I agree. Black Mathematicians are throwing up the Roc sign like they’ve won a championship. :)

    • Lea Thrace

      I instantly thought of you when I read about this guys on Saturday. :-D

      Now I just need one of these linebackers to come with some chemistry publications and my life will be complete.

      • Andrea

        I will volunteer to go find John…and ask him if he has any Chemist friends!!!

  • Nicholas Peters

    Were Laplacians in the Hobbit?

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