Why Are The Men Of The White House So Obsessed With Each Other’s Dicks? » VSB

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Why Are The Men Of The White House So Obsessed With Each Other’s Dicks?

(Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Yesterday afternoon, I read a thorough and illuminating piece from Morgan Jerkins at The New Republic, where she articulated how Trump’s presidency is hurting the book publishing industry. Her premise — and this is one several agents, authors, and editors agree with — was that the news coming out of Washington has been so bizarre and ridiculous and absurd that we (collectively) haven’t had as much of a need to read fiction for entertainment. Also, the perpetual diarrhea stream of Trump-related stories has so dominated the news cycle that there isn’t as much space for anything else.

Monika Woods, a literary agent at Curtis Brown LTD, said that amid the rapid news cycle from fall of 2016 to early 2017, “Fiction writers were booked on ‘Good Morning America’ and they had to be rebooked and rebooked and rebooked. Even New York Times bestselling authors with books out in Fall 2016 struggled.” Industry insiders noted that Jonathan Safran Foer’s Here I Am and James Gleick’s Time Travel: A History, for example, failed to meet sales expectations, even though both authors had their previous novels on the New York Times Bestsellers List. Sarah Bowlin, former editor at Henry Holt and current literary agent at Aevitas Creative Management, echoed Woods’s thoughts, saying, “When you have a news day of four different revelations, there’s less room in a cultural conversation to talk about a debut or bestselling author.”

(Fortunately, this has resulted in a hypervisibility for Black and Brown writers, as, to quote Jerkins, “the same identities that are being persecuted and demonized by the Trump administration are finding a warm welcome from an increasingly diverse literary audience that is eager to hear vulnerable voices.”)

And then, literally seconds after I finished reading that, I clicked on and read Anthony Scaramucci’s Mooch Eruption in The New Yorker, demonstratively proving the truth of everything Jerkins said. How the fuck are authors supposed to compete with a freakin White House communications director who leaks every fucking thing to a reporter while calling him to bitch about and expose leakers? I will never say or write anything more compelling and ridiculous and hilarious than “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.” (Which might actually be the way I introduce myself to people from now on. The next time someone shakes my hand and asks my name, I’m going to say “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”)

Anyway, the most interesting revelation in the Mooch’s rant (to me at least) is one I’ve had for months now. The men of the White House are obsessed with penises. Engrossed with wangs. Bedeviled with cocks. Bewitched with dicks. All of their policies and beliefs reflect this dick-obsessed world view. They want to ban transgender people from the military. And remove sex education from schools. And make gay men go through intensive reeducation camps, like learning how not to be gay is like training to be a yogi.

This, naturally, is par for the course for the right. As a working and active obsession with what people decide to do with their penises and vaginas is the second question on the conservative questionnaire, right after “(fill in the blank) Lives Matter.” But what makes the particular brand of charlatans and chickenhawks currently in the White House special (well, special-er) is that they’re obsessed with each other’s dick’s too! There’s Anthony Scaramucci sharing that Steve Bannon must have had his ribs removed or something and giving us the WORST. IMAGERY. EVER. There’s “Reince Penis” — which apparently is the White House inner-sanctum nickname for Reince Priebus. (And what I will refer to him as for the rest of my days.) And there’s The Ribless Wonder himself, Steve Bannon, who reportedly called Paul Ryan a “limp dicked motherfucker” and whose favorite insult is “cuck” — a transparently racist term derived from a porn genre where White husbands watch their wives have sex with well-endowed Black men. These men have balls on the brain! Cock on the conscience! Their medulla oblongatas are peaking with peckers!

Of course, there are many possible reasons for their wang infatuations. Including one that reminds me of the time my inspection stickers were expired and I rode dirty for like three weeks and, because I was so self-conscious about my own substandard sticker, suddenly became obsessed with everyone else’s. I had severe inspection sticker envy. And maybe they’re obsessed with dicks because they’re dicks themselves. Sentient penises with crackling foreskins writing policy and enacting laws. (No one has looked more like an 80-year-old’s, swinging-happy-and-free-in-the-YMCA-locker-room flaccid wang than Steve Bannon.)

Who knows? I just know that they seem to be taking “fuck the world” literally. Which I guess explains why they hate condoms.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Wild Cougar

    Clearly insecurity. Can we talk about this cuck thing. It seems to be the go to insult for the WM troll crowd. Does anyone else find that hilarious in a Freudian kinda way? Same with white genocide. It suggests things that I, as a white man, if I could imagine being one, would NEVER admit to. But they can’t stop talking about their racially based s exual insecurities. What’s that about?

    • Tam

      Not surprised, this is the party that is always policing chex

      • Wild Cougar

        Are you replying to me? My question wasn’t about politics.

        • Question

          … but I think it’s in some ways related. Deep seeded insecurities decides to police sexuality as much as possible. It’s almost like “let me peg you as dysfunctional before you discover my deeper dysfunctions”.

          • Wild Cougar

            Oh

    • miss t-lee

      Them f*ckers weird.

    • NonyaB?

      It’s hard for the losers when their entire esteem and existence is based on the contrast between their s•xual image vs shortcomings.

      • Well, when social capital and financial capital are limited to a select few, $ex is all they got. The left wants to let loose those things, but they still have their own control issues.

        • Wild Cougar

          Todd. I was hoping you would explain how the troll crowd can possibly be OK with openly airing their racial/s exual insecurities like that, especially while, at the same time, trying to be racist. Don’t they realize they are projecting ” I know yours is bigger and my women want it more, my sperm count is dwindling so people who look like me are gonna be a minority soon, but…… We invented stuff!”

          • But white men have been projecting since the beginning of time doe… they are intimidated by practically EVERY THING.

            • Wild Cougar

              They are doing it openly. That’s what confuses and tickles me

            • Question

              It makes sense though. Colonialism was all about acquiring through force that which you couldn’t obtain or create for yourself. I’ve often heard white people try and point to black tribalism and the fact that tribes traded as a sign of weakness. However, the flip side of that is that taking by force is a last resort when you have nothing of value to trade or offer in return.

              It isn’t so much that white men have nothing to contribute – it’s that ultimately what drives their behavior is their perception of their own value. Its so contradictory.

          • Isn’t racism necessarily about insecurity though? The difference is while the older generation hid their insecurities, this generation doesn’t hide much of ANYTHING. This is the social media era, after all. I’m not surprised that they’ll just let it all out.

            • Wild Cougar

              Do they even get it though? I chatted with some trolls once talking white genocide. Casually informing them that Europe has to import brown and black people because infertility among white men is an epidemic. Sperm counts way down. They can’t replace their population anymore. White European women will need to reproduce with immigrants soon if they want babies. I give them a link. Then silence. No argument. Silence. It’s like they know but they don’t know. You don’t find that weird?

              • They know. They like to think that the reduced populations are a product of modern values. The problem with that is that Black folk in America aren’t exactly the most traditionalist group around, yet we can somehow replace our population. Hmmm…

                • Wild Cougar

                  I don’t think they know. But they know on a primal level

              • “M”

                I’m sure their heads exploded after that and they couldn’t talk with you anymore.

                If they were already trolling when you met them, they were already on the edge of hard reality they couldn’t handle. You just pushed them over the edge.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      I mean, it has to be insulting to their ego when their cuckold wives are always on the prowl for BBC.

      • Pretty much. They can’t hang.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          Such a sad sight.

        • Furious Styles

          Like a man with no arms.

        • BrothasKeeper

          What you did there…..

          • One day, either here or at the hangout, I need to sit with an adult beverage and let some things rip. The things I DON’T say here…LOL

            • Michelle is my First Lady

              You say them in a Starbucks tho… lol
              *insider*
              LOL

            • Val

              <——– looking forward to this.

        • Looking4Treble

          Well done.

        • Um, she ain’t lying though. There’s a whole movement of White married women who do this sort of thing. Of course, it has its own jacked up racial and $exual politics, but that’s another story.

          • Oh I know she ain’t but BBC took me out…

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            Yes! In fact, we need to talk about this Todd lol.

            • After lunch. It’s almost time for me to go, and I have a lot of things to say…

              • Michelle is my First Lady

                Sounds good and, yes, I feel the same way

      • Love Heals

        Ida B. Wells as part of her anti-lynching efforts wrote that perhaps White men should stop harping on how much Black men were pursuing White women because the reverse seemed true. That evidence of many “rapes” were proving embarrassing to the pristine images of their women upon further investigation. My addition. Once again here’s the gendered hypocrisy: they violated Black women at will but couldn’t conceive of their women desiring our men?

        • Word. One of the things I’ve been reading about of late was that White women were blackmailing Black men into giving them the D, then crying rape when they got caught out there.

          • Question

            Bachelor in Paradise.

            • SororSalsa

              And that dude was dumb, because she apparently hooked up with several guys, but of course the inappropriate behavior got pinned on the black guy. In this day and age, did he really not understand how this works??? SMH

          • Love Heals

            The whole thing was twisted considering we were said to be subhuman. Who copulates with a beast? They could experience lust just like their men. I wonder how much of the “protection” from their men was actually about s e x ual jealousy. I’m so sorry y’all have had to suffer for this from then till now. For centuries, Black women have been deemed unattractive (to placate their women?), but somehow still irresistible temptations them. All these years later, the emphasis on Black men being obsessed with White women. Sure, for some it’s a pathology, but folks around the world have been drawn to one another for ages. (Tangent- the power dynamics of who’s been debased and who’s been privileged has affected notions of women’s real or perceived value because of race and color.)

            • The rationale was that because we were subhuman, it didn’t count. It was an old school version of Good Girls ™ going backdoor because they want to remain virgins until their marriage. People will always find an excuse to do what they really want.

              • Love Heals

                You’re right. I just find it mind-boggling. In this techno-centric world, saying we’re machines, I get. But subhuman as in animal, how did they believe they had ethical and religious high-ground??

            • “M”

              ” For centuries, Black women have been deemed unattractive (to placate their women?), but somehow still irresistible temptations them. ”

              Take out the question mark

              • Love Heals

                Got it.

        • SororSalsa

          Do you think white men of that era wanted to contemplate their pristine, lily-white queens desiring 3/5 of a man? That was an affront to their very idea of manhood and what they stood for. I think that, deep down, most white men are racist because of their “male” insecurities.

          • Love Heals

            Good points. Is it wrong that I’m smirking? All these years later, intellectual arguments, trappings of wealth and privilege and many still feel inadequate based on ideas of “masculinity” that they created. Okay, now I’m laughing.

      • Mary Burrell

        WM are angry about so many things so cuckolding is something else to add to the list?

        • SororSalsa

          That is something that I’ve never understood. How is this a turn-on for anyone? Is it like a brown version of S & M?

    • Question

      The cuck thing has always been confusing to me… confusing yet revealing.

    • Kullervo

      It’s no coincidence that 99% of the people who the word cuck are ectomorphic neckbeards with glass chins and tiny d*cks.

  • AsamiSato

    Probably all of the bullshit that we are all currently going through is because all these pathetic white men are insecure about their masculinity. Did I mention that they are pathetic?

    • conlakappa

      Barack Obama embodied all of their insecurities: he was the brilliant son of a white woman who chose nonwhite men as her spouses and these sad men had women in their lives who would have dropped trou in a nanosecond if President Obama even looked in their direction. That he didn’t makes them feel further insecure.

  • HyperSpiral

    Well, talking about Steve Bannon’s predilection for autofellatio was certainly a productive use of the White House Communication Director’s time time, what with the imminent, decisive vote on healthcare.

    I’m sick of all this winning you guys!

  • Cleojonz

    My co-worker just sent me this. It’s perfect because all these f*ckers care more about themselves and one-upping each other than actually doing good things in the world. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0da6a0ad730b7064469a3ba6e33d1706cf1b064bc14a0735a0cc87d229e83129.jpg

    • miss t-lee

      One upping each other on the f*ckery.

  • NonyaB?

    BTW DayMoan, “cuck” is derived from “cuckold”, but it’s race agnostic and refers to any man whose wife is getting vitamin D shots administered elsewhere.

  • Allow me to clarify the whole cuck thing. Yes, it is a genre of pr0n. However, the actual practice isn’t necessarily a racial thing, or even limited to dudes. (Google cuckquean sometime for some mind-blowing ish.)

    Still, I’m not surprised by the $exual hang-ups on the Right. The whole movement is fundamentally about social control, particularly for the benefit of White Straight Guys, the end. They are so afraid of not getting laid that they’ll do anything to protect the nani. While plenty of other dudes are on the same ish, White Straight Guys have hegemony.

    • Hugh Akston

      You and other vsbs/vsss polluted my mind on that Kanye west booty pegging thing so no I will not be looking up no cuckquean the heyle kind of mess is that? Lmao

      • Cuckqueaning refers to women who get off on the idea of their man getting cheeks from another woman. Some even arrange the other chicks to watch their man do their thing on another woman.

        • Val

          Thas disappointing, thought it was something entirely different.

        • Alessandro De Medici

          So basically it’s polygamy/polyandry without commitment?

          • Generally yes. But with some humiliation elements thrown in.

        • Hugh Akston

          Uhh ok thanks

        • I wish dafuck I would! Naaaawwww.. we can go watch as a coujple other folks fugging but my dude and some other woman? Nawl.

          https://media.giphy.com/media/l0MYR9YbnmXOcA47u/giphy.gif

          • “M”

            I don’t get it. I will never get it.

        • FeeFee

          Wouldn’t that just be called a threesome? lol

      • miss t-lee
        • Simms~

          Why did this tickle me so…cold!

          • miss t-lee

            HEE HEE

    • Seymore Cases

      This is the TRUTH!!!

      Minorities (black, Latino and all types of Asians) spend too much time focused on the misogyny of ‘colored’ men and forget that white men put a capital “M” in Misogyny. I honestly think we let them off the hook when we attack Hoteps and the like. Fcuk hoteps, we have the ultimate white no-tep in the White House and his name is D.J. Trump. Could you imagine Obama saying half the isht he says about women??

      • Fugg em all!!

      • “M”

        “Minorities (black, Latino and all types of Asians) spend too much time focused on the misogyny of ‘colored’ men and forget that white men put a capital “M” in Misogyny. I honestly think we let them off the hook when we attack Hoteps and the like. “

        Yeah nope

        No woman needs to be bothered with that garbage.

        I’m not trying to hear some “butbutbut LOOK OVER THERE” from a man of color trying to talk some trash about how he didn’t really rape that woman because he never heard her say “no”.

        That’s supposed to be the OLD VSB. Please don’t try to push that particular brand of ‘scrip drug like a dealer who doesn’t realize his designer pills are now way past their sell-by date.

        :-/

    • Looking4Treble

      Thanks for laying some knowledge down, as always. Who knew. Now to ponder whether I ‘wanted’ to know… :-)

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Folks sleeping on the psycho-social aspects of the chex game.

      • “M”

        I don’t think so. Everybody around here looks wide awake to me.

  • Tam

    Can we all agree they are trying to exorcise the spirit of the Mandingo was who the immediate previous occupant.

  • BrothasKeeper

    Mooch is the Joe Pesci of this administration. He probably has a collection of pinky rings and Giorgio Brutini wingtips.

    • Trump is used to dealing with shady Italian dudes. Construction has a history of being run by those types of people in New York, and Trump probably feels back in his element with someone like him around.

    • Looking4Treble

      I keep expecting to see him with a “Viva La Cosa Nostra” shirt on under his suit. I just get that feel from him.

  • mochazina

    peaking with peckers.

    of all the phrases, THAT one truly made me giggle.

  • This whole thing is really doubling down on the whole truth is stranger than fiction thing. I don’t even know how people are even ever going to be able to satirize this unless the entire thing is done in deadpan.

    • Days of our Lives was never this…far-fetched

      • Val

        Right. The only reason we can believe this stuff is happening is because it is.

    • “M”

      Colbert just got the rights to do it and the greenlight.

      So I guess we’ll get a chance to see.

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