Why Are The Men Of The White House So Obsessed With Each Other’s Dicks? » VSB

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Why Are The Men Of The White House So Obsessed With Each Other’s Dicks?

(Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Yesterday afternoon, I read a thorough and illuminating piece from Morgan Jerkins at The New Republic, where she articulated how Trump’s presidency is hurting the book publishing industry. Her premise — and this is one several agents, authors, and editors agree with — was that the news coming out of Washington has been so bizarre and ridiculous and absurd that we (collectively) haven’t had as much of a need to read fiction for entertainment. Also, the perpetual diarrhea stream of Trump-related stories has so dominated the news cycle that there isn’t as much space for anything else.

Monika Woods, a literary agent at Curtis Brown LTD, said that amid the rapid news cycle from fall of 2016 to early 2017, “Fiction writers were booked on ‘Good Morning America’ and they had to be rebooked and rebooked and rebooked. Even New York Times bestselling authors with books out in Fall 2016 struggled.” Industry insiders noted that Jonathan Safran Foer’s Here I Am and James Gleick’s Time Travel: A History, for example, failed to meet sales expectations, even though both authors had their previous novels on the New York Times Bestsellers List. Sarah Bowlin, former editor at Henry Holt and current literary agent at Aevitas Creative Management, echoed Woods’s thoughts, saying, “When you have a news day of four different revelations, there’s less room in a cultural conversation to talk about a debut or bestselling author.”

(Fortunately, this has resulted in a hypervisibility for Black and Brown writers, as, to quote Jerkins, “the same identities that are being persecuted and demonized by the Trump administration are finding a warm welcome from an increasingly diverse literary audience that is eager to hear vulnerable voices.”)

And then, literally seconds after I finished reading that, I clicked on and read Anthony Scaramucci’s Mooch Eruption in The New Yorker, demonstratively proving the truth of everything Jerkins said. How the fuck are authors supposed to compete with a freakin White House communications director who leaks every fucking thing to a reporter while calling him to bitch about and expose leakers? I will never say or write anything more compelling and ridiculous and hilarious than “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.” (Which might actually be the way I introduce myself to people from now on. The next time someone shakes my hand and asks my name, I’m going to say “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”)

Anyway, the most interesting revelation in the Mooch’s rant (to me at least) is one I’ve had for months now. The men of the White House are obsessed with penises. Engrossed with wangs. Bedeviled with cocks. Bewitched with dicks. All of their policies and beliefs reflect this dick-obsessed world view. They want to ban transgender people from the military. And remove sex education from schools. And make gay men go through intensive reeducation camps, like learning how not to be gay is like training to be a yogi.

This, naturally, is par for the course for the right. As a working and active obsession with what people decide to do with their penises and vaginas is the second question on the conservative questionnaire, right after “(fill in the blank) Lives Matter.” But what makes the particular brand of charlatans and chickenhawks currently in the White House special (well, special-er) is that they’re obsessed with each other’s dick’s too! There’s Anthony Scaramucci sharing that Steve Bannon must have had his ribs removed or something and giving us the WORST. IMAGERY. EVER. There’s “Reince Penis” — which apparently is the White House inner-sanctum nickname for Reince Priebus. (And what I will refer to him as for the rest of my days.) And there’s The Ribless Wonder himself, Steve Bannon, who reportedly called Paul Ryan a “limp dicked motherfucker” and whose favorite insult is “cuck” — a transparently racist term derived from a porn genre where White husbands watch their wives have sex with well-endowed Black men. These men have balls on the brain! Cock on the conscience! Their medulla oblongatas are peaking with peckers!

Of course, there are many possible reasons for their wang infatuations. Including one that reminds me of the time my inspection stickers were expired and I rode dirty for like three weeks and, because I was so self-conscious about my own substandard sticker, suddenly became obsessed with everyone else’s. I had severe inspection sticker envy. And maybe they’re obsessed with dicks because they’re dicks themselves. Sentient penises with crackling foreskins writing policy and enacting laws. (No one has looked more like an 80-year-old’s, swinging-happy-and-free-in-the-YMCA-locker-room flaccid wang than Steve Bannon.)

Who knows? I just know that they seem to be taking “fuck the world” literally. Which I guess explains why they hate condoms.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • J. A.

    Shouldn’t be a shocker if there’s a strong parallel between this regime’s fascination with them and the slave owner’s need to emasculate male slaves.

  • The Steve Bannon comment had me laughing at first and then just sad. Our White House is occupied by rejects from “the Wolf of Wall Street.”

    Scaramucci looks like he does coke off hooker’s anuses.

    • Otherjen

      Scaramucci is exactly the guy I would cast to play a coked-out wall street toadie. And yes, I realize how close to the truth that seems to be.

      • UrbanNortheast

        He’s straight out of central casting for That Wall Street Guy. You wouldn’t even have to have wardrobe or write lines. He could just show up after work.

        • SororSalsa

          Except he apparently failed at it in real life. That might be why he’s going so hard for it now.

      • Nicholas Peters

        He’s Billy Bats

      • Otherjen

        YES! That’s where I’ve seen him before!

      • miss t-lee

        WOW. The accuracy.

        • NonyaB?

          But this guy’s better looking and his tan is even, unlike the mucci.

      • Simms~

        So accurate.

        • Melodyjdonnelly

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !aw11d:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash301OfficeFormPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::!aw11l..,.

          • That kind of of obvious shit-scam should not be allowed on the ethernet anywhere.

        • Mandyjgonzales

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ae11d:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash301OfficeTrustPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::!ae11l..,…..

      • angie497

        Are we sure he’s not?

      • Emily Harris

        OH! My gawt!!

    • https://media.giphy.com/media/Go30VSSpSm0c8/giphy.gif

      Where’s the lie but dayum….lol

    • ladyfresh

      I wish they were rejects. This is how I viewed Wolf of Wall Street. Deez are dooz guise.

  • NonyaB?

    You know that administration’s obsession with genitals starts from the top with Orange Sh*tler.

    How he sees himself

    …vs what he actually is.

    • Tam

      I think it is the fight of the micropeens

      • NonyaB?

        Yes! *Long cackle*

    • Looking4Treble

      And the reign continues… :-)

  • T-Roy

    I was a BIG fan of House of Cards, but don’t watch it because of Trump. House of Cards was entertaining because it COULDN’T happen in real life, but with Trump, ANYTHING CAN happen. Sucks! WP destroy everything!

    • HyperSpiral

      The writers of Veep have probably also been angrily tearing up scripts the last few days too.

    • “M”

      It’s the worst, right?

      I was all up in HoC and had to stop after Season 4.

  • MsSula

    Can we get a proper Friday shenanigan post? I am tired of talking about wypipo and their politicians. Wypipo Fatigue.

  • miss t-lee

    Isn’t this a regular white dude thing?

    • QueenBee0391

      Basically. White frat boys have been doing sexual hazing for eons. White men invented rape culture, pedophilia, bestiality, etc. They are some sick mofos.

    • siante

      phallic obsession? yes

      • miss t-lee

        Oh, I’m aware.
        I’m just saying in general, instead of just in the white house…lol

        • siante

          ALL men have a phallic obsession to some degree, but I’m sure it’s tough for a lot of white men who may feel inadequate in that area- especially in comparison to black men. Causes them to act out in all sorts of ways (like trying their darndest to overturn Obamacare).

          • miss t-lee

            IDK I work with a buncha white dudes and it’s drawn d*cks and d*ck jokes 25/8

            • KeciB

              My thoughts exactly. White guys have a general obsession with man meat. Just look at any white bro comedy movie ever made. D?ck jokes galore.

            • siante

              hmmm, I haven’t worked closely w/ white dudes in a while so I forgot about that- yeah, they’re obsession is extra special. it’s annoying lol.

              • miss t-lee

                Very. It’s the reason my headphones are in 99% of the time.

          • “M”

            (like trying their darndest to overturn Obamacare)

            I don’t ordinarily do schadenfreude b/c Karma she is a sneaky beeyotch but that crashed and burned so hard

            McConnell was crying. I was like “Man, if you’d had an ounce of compassion for the people who need healthcare you yourself wouldn’t have to be choking back your tears right now!”


  • Michelle is my First Lady

    Can I just say how much I despise the word “coc k”….. *shudders*

  • You got your favorite word in: sentient!

  • miss t-lee

    I don’t remember who posted that NPR list of greatest albums by women, but I’ve totally been spotifying my way through a few of them this week. Kudos.
    Up now: Etta! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etta_James_Rocks_the_House

    • MsSula

      I think it was Val. And I need to revisit!

      • miss t-lee

        I think it might have been!

  • LogicalLeopard

    I love this guy. *LOL* Maybe not this guy, but the IDEA that this guy can exist in the WHITE HOUSE as a COMMUNICATIONS director! I mean, a guy who refers to himself in THIRD PERSON as an ALIAIS (the MOOCH, nonetheless). Who obsessively talks about penises and shows up and tells people that he Chief of Staff is going to be fired. I mean, imagine if Obama would have hired Moses Malone as the White House Communications Director, explaining how Obama was going to win the electoral votes of Rhode Island, Maine, and Hawaii (“Were going to go fo’, fo’, fo’….”) That doesn’t even scratch the surface.

    I don’t care anymore, The White House is the Fun House. Rome is Burning, and Trump and his cronies are sitting there with marshmallow guns, shooting them right into our mouths like the guys with T-shirt guns at minor league games. I’m going to totally suspend disebelief in the fact that this is actually happening, sit down with my popcorn, and enjoy the REAL Apprentice Season 8.


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