I have a confession to make. Everything we have ever said about relationships — the rules and regulations, the mores, the laws, the lists, the 21st century updates, the theories about the cookie, when to give up the cookies, how to bake the cookies, and how to eat cookies if you’re dealing with a severe case of acid reflux — is bullshit. All of it. Everything we’ve ever said is full of shit. Shitty shit shit shit shit.
And, by “we” I’m not just referring to VSB. No, this applies to every single bit of dating and relationship advice you’ve received from any and every one from Tyler Perry to the toothless boosters selling ironing boards outside of your nephew’s barbershop.
Shit, when it comes to relationships, even our book — as amazing, insightful, and awe-inspiring as it happens to be (Seriously. Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night is the shit.) — is about as useless as an anus on your elbow.
Now, I realize what I’m saying isn’t necessarily new. You don’t have to go very far to hear someone argue that relationship advice is ultimately meaningless because the dynamics present in each relationship are too variable, too nuanced to be addressed and “solved” by some arbitrary advice. And, well, you also have people who argue that most “relationship experts” are charlatan chickenhawks seeking profit by offering answers to unanswerable questions.
But, while I agree with the valuelessness of relationship advice, I disagree with the reasoning for their conclusions. It’s not useless because the advice is usually wrong. It’s useless because, well, we’re looking at it backwards.
While romantic relationships are often thought of as these mindlessly complex labyrinths where cheat codes and color-coded maps are necessary in order to even have a chance of making it through, relationships are supposed to be easy. Not easier than we currently think they are, but f*cking easy. Easy like Sunday morning. Easier than paper Deltas. So easy that any advice about them should be obsolete.
We make them difficult, though, because we continue to get into relationships with the wrong people.
That is it. There’s no deep discovery. No byzantine secret. 99.999% of the problems that exist in our relationships occur because we allow sexual impulsivity, horniness, peer pressure, cold weather, boredom, loneliness, bills, biological clocks, Beyonce, beer goggles, work goggles, internet goggles, availability, and convenience to convince ourselves to enter relationships with people who just aren’t right for us. And, to add insult to injury, not only are they not right for us, we know they’re not right and still go through with it. Your (and “your” is addressing everyf*ckingbody) relationship didn’t end because of shit that occurred during the relationship. It ended because, well, it never should have began in the first place.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
I will say this article’s more-than-perfect timing in my cryptic personal life has more-than-made-up for your murse.
Thank you, I really needed this. Now to go bang my head against a wall after finishing off this bottle of wine.
*Yell laughs at the murse reference*
#respectthemurse
By Jove, I think you’ve got it!
A-MUTHAPHUCKEN-MEN!!!!!!!
*kicks mic stand
(still love the blog and the book and PCB doe).
@Keisha Brown
PCB sounds like PCP.
VSB should have a lemonade stand featuring lemonade, their signature book, & PCP.
Now, THAT is something I’d love to see, LOL!
“VSB should have a lemonade stand featuring lemonade, their signature book, & PCP.”
that’s our promo for the next book. each one you buy will come with a packet of country time pink lemonade laced with PCP
Also put on it, a lifetime guarantee of never needing Steve Harvey advice ever again.
Well then. Carry on…
Showing love to a fellow Blatin@!
Dale.
Y yo tambien… bienvinedos!!!!!!
zeeeeen
uhm, i mean si.
get a room
Dale, don, dale.
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
now lets all take this and renounce everything we ever knew and start a fresh, clean life.
i…agree
I get what you’re saying but, it isn’t always clear that someone is not right. People oft times don’t show their true selves until after a relationship begins. So many times we have been led to believe that said person is right for us by someone who is adept at figuring out what one wants and then acting accordingly.
It’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade that we find out that they indeed are not right for us.
I think this happens a lot.
Maybe, but more often folks try forcing relationships that should have never been.
Think about how sending your representatives instead of being yourself delays the inevitable.
Many do try to force the relationship once they already have time invested. My point was that we don’t always have all of the information we need in the beginnings of a relationship to make a proper choice due to people not showing who they really are.
Actually Val you do have all the information in the beginning of a relationship. You jsut have to listen first before you let you needs get fulfilled.
Yeah Val,
We let our needs and desires cloud what is usually right under our nose.
We become guilty of not trusting our instincts. Which rarely will lead us astray
On the flip side ( and I am guilty of this) we let our own hang ups and insecurities cause us to miss out on something potentially great.
“we let our own hang ups and insecurities cause us to miss out on something potentially great.”
Guilty as well.
Guilty as charged
@Tentpole
I think lots of people do not show who they really are until after a commitment has been made. We can’t see what we can’t see.
Yay! Now I know why I can’t commit!
Actually people do show it. They act too good. Think about it. Everybody has a good days and bad days. But that person you just started dating does nothing but show you their good side. That’s impossible when life is crazy. That means they are putting effort into hiding the bad stuff from you. We see the good stuff and eat it up like fat kids at Krispy Kremes instead of questioning why we only see the good.
But, Rewind, we are taught to show our good side when we are meeting someone, Right? It’s like a job interview, you put your best face forward. That’s why dating is so hard. When is it just normal putting your best face forward and when is it actually being deceptive?
Ok Val, good point, but what about the second date, or the third date? If I ask you about your day, and everyday is great, yet 200 people got laid off at your job…clearly you’re hiding something. If your mom is sick butyou’re putting on a good show for the 3rd date, then what the hell is going on? Things are never what they appear to be, that’s what I’ve learned from my dating life.
Yep, Rewind, and that’s why it’s important to go slow in relationships. Time reveals all things but if one isn’t willing to wait then there are going to be some big surprises after a commitment has been made. And let’s face it, sometimes loneliness makes our choices for us and that’s when the problems start.
That’s why people need to get their shyte together, because loneliness should never be a factor in who you’re dating but ehh..nobody is perfect.
That’s why people need to get their shyte together, because loneliness should never be a factor in who you’re dating but ehh..nobody is perfect.
Sometimes it just takes time to learn how they react to situations. Maybe they’re somebody that’s just always chill (always). And for some people thats cool, some people find it relaxing, but if something major happens like a family member dies and they show no emotion, it may be something like this person might be a psycho.
Or they could be doing some “Serenity Now” anger management type thing where one day you forget to close the microwave and they just explode and bring up 6 months worth of things you’ve done wrong. Never know how they’ll act until they’ve done it. Unless you want to just assume that your next will be like your last, in which case, what’s the point of dating?
That stuff I get, tha’ts basic psychology, but the stuff I’m talking about is simply what you can see off the back. Yea it takes time to get to know people, but it doesn’t take a lot of time to ask why things are always good and hardly ever bad.
See, I think about this and all I can think of is people who literally try to start a fight over nothing just to …..I don’t know….. I guess to see what its like to have a fight, or what its like to make up later…
The people who like to cross line sjust to see how far they can go huh…yup I know exactly what you mean
See, I agree with Val. I’m thinking from the context of meeting someone in a big city in a neutral place. An exchange happens and if there’s chemistry you decide to go out and explore where things will lead. In this scenario, you weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship/someone to lay/or something to help you figure out your baggage… you were just going about your business. I don’t think it would be possible to gauge that THIS is not the relationship is not right for you (assuming the person asking you out is coming at you correct).
***that this relationship is NOT right for you…***
See, I agree with Val. I’m thinking from the context of meeting someone in a big city in a neutral place. An exchange happens and if there’s chemistry you decide to go out and explore where things will lead. In this scenario, you weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship/someone to lay/or something to help you figure out your baggage… you were just going about your business. I don’t think it would be possible to gauge that THIS is not the relationship is not right for you (assuming the person asking you out is coming at you correct).
but heres the thing, when you meet someone you are not in a relationship. there is a period before you decide to begin a full fledged relationship;when you are getting to know each other and the truth is a lot of times we see the signs and willfully choose to ignore them or think that we can change them or we rationalize why the issue isnt that big a of a deal.
@Shay – d-lady
True, sometime people ignore the signs. But sometimes we don’t even recognize any signs, especially when we’re young. It’s only upon having been through something before that we can see those signs. And other times people hide who they really are. And those people can be really, really good at it.
When we are young, sure we will make mistakes because there is no guide book to use. However, after a few failures, we have to get our shyte together. There’s no excuse other than being dense after a while.
and some people just talk a good game.
One of my old bosses did this and got a job way up the line despite having no experience. He just knew how to play the game.
@ Shay-d-lady: That’s very true. You’re not in a relationship when you first meet someone… And you are absolutely right: this is the stage where you make an assessment on whether you want to be with this person based on the signs they are projecting. Sometimes you learn right away that this person is a MESS and you get out of dodge. Other times you don’t and proceed to the relationship where you then learn about the person being crazy and THEN get out of dodge.
I guess my point is that while in the dating game, sometimes we receive signs, sometimes we don’t, and other times we see some minor signs that we are willing to see manifest. I am not quick to dismiss people on small perceived flaws. No one is perfect. Meeting a girl with 3 baby daddies is one thing, but what if you meet a guy who is a little self-depracating and that raises a red flag in your mind? Is he worth dismissing off the bat?
@LM
Yeah, the way we live now makes it really hard. Back in the day someone you knew likely knew the person you were interested in, so you could get some inside info. Now, especially if one lives in a metro area, you are totally on your own. And I really don’t think that’s something that we humans have evolved to deal with yet. We need people around us to help us make choices, IMO.
Amen! Unless I was a CIA operative, I wouldn’t have been able to uncover 90% of my wife’s issues, and I can safely say it’s true for a lot of relationships. On the flip side, if everyone you run into has the same baggage, maybe you need to go to school on yourself. After all, you are the common factor in all of your relationships.
“Amen! Unless I was a CIA operative, I wouldn’t have been able to uncover 90% of my wife’s issues, and I can safely say it’s true for a lot of relationships.”
Yeah, pretty much… It’s kind of hard to know a lot of things about a person until you live with them.
And yet, Cohabitation BEFORE Marriage is frowned upon…….
It supposedly doesn’t improve the chances of marriage, or the probability that the couple will not divorce.
Supposedly…… I want to KNOW who I have the thoughts/intentions of marrying BEFORE I do, Leaping to Faith isn’t Always the Smart Thing to Do- a Tank full of Disappointment comes if people Choose Wrong
Word Todd! We have to know who we are and be real with the ones we’re in a relationship with from the start. And some people are so afraid to be hurt that they sabotage a good relationship and continue to do it again and again. It takes self love and forgiveness to sustain. Just my two cents
“On the flip side, if everyone you run into has the same baggage, maybe you need to go to school on yourself. After all, you are the common factor in all of your relationships.”
The realest sh*t ever said!
By the way, this reminded me of an old joke that was said by Corey Holcomb. He said to a female friend who was complaining about men:
“If you’re saying all men are dogs and you’re in your 30′s…it’s you baby….” (LMAO!!!!)
Funny. I heard one that says, “If all the men you meet are dogs, you must be advertising dog food”. Ouch!
Can you say “Below the belt”? LMAO!
Damn!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh!t! That one’s officially stolen lolol
I think the reason that happens is because not enough ppl are even aware that they are advertising or that they should be.
Ha! Well, girlfriend, I was the best dog food on the market then! lmao! No off brands here, pure organic.
LOL
I found this picture with Ted from the movie Ted.
It said. ” You say all men are dogs. Well who told you to fawk them all? HO!”.
They needed to resuscitate me 3 times after that.
“Valuelessness.” Yes.
Good post.
Katt Williams said something along the lines of… What you mean to say is, the n— YOU f— with ain’t sh–. You need to figure out what it is about yo’ p—– that keep attractin’ ain’t sh– n—-.
Dang. The thrill is gone.
Anyway.
I agree with the post, and when it comes to making sure you don’t start something with the wrong someone, I think you have to make sure it isn’t about them being your future love nugget. Self-fulfailing prophesy.
Something else has to bring and keep y’all together in my opinion. No two people on Earth can keep each other enthralled for a lifetime alone in a room together. There’s got to be more.
“…and when it comes to making sure you don’t start something with the wrong someone, I think you have to make sure it isn’t about them being your future love nugget. Self-fulfailing prophesy.”
Word.
This is a message many women need to be aware of and live by.
That’s exactly what I’m saying, Todd. Some people hide who they really are on purpose and other people are genuinely trying to be who they project but it just doesn’t last. Either way it’s impossible to know who you are really dealing with until the right amount of time passes.
I would take that one step further. You never know what a person is capable of doing or becoming. The real challenge is you meet someone and do not understand the subtle signs of mental illness, nor could those signs be present when you meet that person. They can, however, present at a later time in life when you are already neck deep in a relationship, maybe even marriage.
If that happens you literally have two choices: stay with them and try to deal with it or cut your losses and walk away. Hopefully, the majority of the relationships that people get in do not involve someone with a true mental illness and they just have a ‘different’ value system. Either way, be happy. Learn to walk away and take care of you. Seriously.
I feel ya nilla. You know how people who have served in combat zones say that people who haven’t been there can’t really understand what it’s like, right? Well, when it comes to mental illness, even if I sit down and tell you, you won’t really understand. My support group helps with this, because at least these are people who by chance or choice ended up in the same boat.
I wish I could project how much the rest of you people are lucky to have dodged that bullet. You’ll never know what you’ve missed.
@Todd, I was married to a psychopath. Okay, he refused to be professionally evaluated, but I KNOW what he was. I spent 14yrs observing his behavior. When you put everything into perspective, it’s hard to accept you were nothing more than a pawn in their mental escapade.
Don’t even get me started on how he used our kids. My son just recently started having more contact with him until I noticed a marked change in his behavior, not good either. I had to block him from being able to text our son. The courts will never understand the poison these people exude. But, God help me, so long as I am alive and able, I will intervene regardless of what a damn lawyer-judge says. Okay, I’m getting a little cat like now… off this topic now.
I suffer from depression and I don’t hide that. Then again, depression is one of those illnesses that are easier to spot than others…which is good because it makes it easier to treat. Not easy at all, but compared to other illnesses, much easier to treat.
Depression is more common than many people think. It’s when you move to the more serious categories for example being a psycho or sociopath that other problems seem to present over time .
A truly serious mental disorder is like being in a carnival. One day you’re in the fun house where things are distorted by mirrors, the next day you might be on the merry go round wondering how to jump the hell off, yet another day you might be on the roller coaster going up and down at phenomenal speeds and doing loops. Trust… this is not the life.
I have been blessed with being able to spot psychos from a mile away. I steer clear. I credit that to being attentive and having a psych degree. Not everyone is so lucky. It could also be that those psychos aren’t trying to impress me so they don’t hide their traits from me.
The thing about depression is learning when to let the other person in on your secret. That shyte is hard but it must be done. I think my depression mixed with my ex’s depression is what made our relationship such a fawking mess, nobody wanted to take respoinsbility. Yea we can spot psychos, but depression lets you know that perhaps you are a psycho in waiting if you can’t learn to deal with whatever emotional problem is holding you back.
I’m not so sure depression is something that is treated I think depression is you knowing within yourself something is just not smoothing in your life with you and you’re genuinely unhappy with some or all of your life. I think depression is the result of knowing yourself and having to work through those miserable parts. I don’t think it’s treated I think treatment tries to make you not feel it but if you’re depressed about your life you’re just depressed. Depression is an alert system that tells you it’s time for a change and it’s up to you to do the introspective work to heal yourself. then I imagine you get happier and happier and happier. Work of person.
I think it’s treatable in the sense that one can overcome it one day. How you do it differs case by case. But personality disorders are really different. Fortunately I have ADHD and depression, and I can see a light at the end of the dark tunnel, but sociopaths and narcissists might not see said light because they might not even think they are in the dark in the first place.
Some people get depressed over situations or their lives. But many people can have everything going great for them and still feel depressed. Thats when its time to get treated. Depression is definitely something you should treat. Whether its with therapy or meds.
but I’m saying, if you’re depressed over a situation in your life or just the way life is in general for you or whatever, medication doesn’t make that situation go away. therapy doesn’t make it go away either. the situation is still there and you still feel depressed about it. so do what you must to heal that situation or make it something you’re happy with. but I guess it is true that some people who [seemingly] have everything are still depressed.
I absolutely agree with you. Fortunately, because the stigma of depression is slowly going away, more people can identify the symptoms and decide what they should do to help themselves. It’s slow, but it’s happening.
I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think you needed to wait until she was your wife to find out she had issues. I think off the back, her need to impress you was the factor that should raise eyebrows, as it should for any of us, because we never question why we go out of our why to create a good impression on another person when clearly we can’t keep up that kind of lifestyle.
That’s interesting, Todd. People that suffer from mental illness really have a hard way to go with relationships. How much to reveal and when? I can’t imagine how scary that must be. Kudos to you for hanging in there.
Yeah Val, that’s pretty much why I have never been in a serious, monogamous, non-open relationship in my life. But what Todd’s wife has is a bit worst than mental illness and that’s what makes it so difficult for him. Personality disorders are harder than mental or emotional disorders. Hang in there, Todd!!!
I agree with you, Val. Not all relationships are forced. Sometimes people can have genuine chemistry at the beginning and choose to explore where the relationship will go. I don’t think it’s as simple as YOU KNEW S/HE WAS WRONG FOR YOU, BUT YOU WENT AHEAD WITH THE RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY.
Exactly@LM
“It’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade that we find out that they indeed are not right for us.
I think this happens a lot.’
I actually agree. it does happen alot. finding the right person for you is perhaps the most difficult thing anyone will ever do, which is why most people never do it.
“it’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade”
The use of the word ‘charade’ triggers what is known as psycho pathological disorder. If a person is not being their true self, then there is something wrong in their brain. Trust when I say, you are better off without this person in you life.
Yea but Nilla, everybody on every site that ever talked about relationships alway says the same thing “I didn’t meet the real person, I met their representative”.
That’s basically no different than meeting a split personality of someone who has schizophrenia first before actually meeting the host personality. Only difference is people actually put effort into showing this side, where being schizo is involuntary.
There are stages to relationships just as in grieving for example. The ‘honeymoon’ stage is where everyone is on guard and best behaviors. What most folks have to learn is to let those feelings of “wow, he/she is the most awesome person in the world” i.e. honeymoon stage pass and get back to reality. They eventually do get past that stage and that’s when you determine if your relationship is viable long term.
True. People need to learn how to stop hyping others up and putting them on pedestals. No person is that great.
Sooooo, the key is to find a relationship book or advice that helps you FIND and STAY with the right one? Based on my observations, mostly at work, folks don’t tend to reveal their true selves for about two years. Maybe that is Rule#1 for me; date for at least 24 months and try to place them in all types and situations to see how they act/react. Then BELIEVE that this is REALLY them and act accordingly.
lets make sure to pass around the offering plate…as we have received a word here today saints…
*adds .02 cents to the collection plate*
*puts a dollar in the collection plate*
*puts a $5 bill in the collection plate with a note that says, “I need change.”
BOL!!!!! I think I actually did this once. Lord, forgive me.
*takes collection plate and runs like hell*
*puts on ski mask and robs PA of collection plate as he leaves church*
Jumps into time machine and goes back to steal collection plate before PA does. Helps Doc Brown pay the Lybians.
*unplugs and cut the time machine power supply so RWC gets stuck*
*trips PA down as he passes my pew*
What the hell? I’m getting stuck up by two different people?
Lol, it’s karma for stealing the collection plate.
LMAO @ this entire exchange.
The worse piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone is to be themselves. Why? Because being yourself might be reason why you struggle to either establish a relationship or keep one for an extended period of time.
*worst* and I call myself a journalist.
How can you have a real relationship, if you can’t be the real you?
because on ocassion the real you, your personality, mannerisms, morals, values, and all that jazz, just could be a liability when entering a realtionship. what if the real you is a lying womanizer(man eater) nice guy, flaky, abusive, jealous, insecure, thirsty individual? I would imagine it would be tough to have a fulfilling relationship.
Even if you are the sorry sack-o-$hit that you described… who knows, maybe there is someone out there for you. Far be it from me to tell you otherwise. I still think that you’d be better served by being your “true” self in the beginning rather than wasting precious years on the world’s worst paying acting gig.
I agree, Jay. I’ve seen people who’ve had very ‘unique’ personalities find someone simply by being brave enough to be who they are. I think we’ve all seen those couples with really unusual personalities/ interests, etc. and wondered how they found each other. The answer; by being honest about who they are. There really is someone for everyone.
Nah, I’d say if that’s the real you, then you’d probably better work on cleaning some of those skeletons you’ve got in that closet before entering into a relationship, cause it probably won’t last.
or maybe just not have one. it just seems like people have all these problems and faults and tuck them away and force a situation with someone doing the same thing. it isnt healthy. it has no real benefits. its just a weakness of the mind to not face you and complete a growth cycle humans experience prior to sex and mating. it makes life sloppy. just be you and let the rest go. deal with yourself before tainting the beauty of companionship.
True. All it is truly is a cop out so that we don’t have to be responsible for who we are at the present moment, nothing else.
I mean, that’s how I see it. as if it’s hard or to face ourselves or as if we don’t like our own selves so we get into relationships with people who like the facades we become. When we really could and should just deal with ourselves first. then people would love and be in relationhips with US us.
Its like every teen romantic comedy where the nerd puts on an act to be cool so the hot girl will notice him, but in reality, she had no interest in the regular version. Hell, we all know of someone who played a good game on someone, only to find out the whole thing was a lie. Exactly what good does that do in the end though? I never seen it be a sucess.
true story. but hey, apparently this is called “fun” or “a good time”.
=l
lol…when was the last tim anyone heard “would you like to play a game” and it turned out well for them. nu uh. just be real. no games. no.
Then you just suck. And that’s life. Trying to be anything else other than yourself is a lie. Even trying to argue that people should be more presentable rather than show their true colors is a cop out…a worse one because now, they took a choice away from another person about how to view them.
oh no no no. or better yet……..the real you isnt presentable?
O_o
HA!
Exactly. What kind of shyte is that?
The real you is like seeing how you look when you wake up in the morning. Yes, you may look like shyte, but you can at least clean up and be presentable. People may not like what they see, but then those are the people you shouldn’t be with. However, if you put on makeup, wigs, flashy jewelry, etc…now all of a sudden you look like a totally different person, and now that’s the version people will be attracted to, so it should be no surprise that they expect you to keep that look up 24/7. That’s what people don’t get when their representative opens the door.
*sings black women in church “MMMMHMMMM” agreement* Preach on.
Exactly. Thats only true if, when you say relationship, you mean something other a true connection and real happiness.
“when keepin it real goes wrong”
“The worse piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone is to be themselves”
LOL, I actually think this is probably the best piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone
Being yourself =/= not attempting to improve or better yourself.
+1 Malik- The problem with the whole “be yourself” meme is that it’s so vague and incomplete. It also suggests that you don’t need to work on balancing and/or asserting yourself at the right times. Being yourself alone won’t get you into college or land you a good job, you need to work to understand yourself fluently like your behavior is a d@mn second language lol. THEN you work to improve and better yourself based on what your goals/intentions are.
Negative. Improving one’s self is a personal choice, you either do it or you don’t. Putting on a show to attract other people however is a game, and you are playing yourself and others. Shouldn’t be a big surprise when people realize they don’t like your game or who you pretended to be.
Being a better takes work, and people have to be willing to put in the hours. Anything else said is a crock of shyte and built on pure laziness.
“Putting on a show to attract other people however is a game, and you are playing yourself and others. ”
Ummmm, but who said you should put on a show to attract others? I sure didn’t (maybe you weren’t talkin to me though). Also what if putting on a show is part of your personality? (I have relatives like that) If so I see nothing wrong with learning how to put on a more entertaining/interesting show. I think that would qualify as self-growth…what say you?
Ok let’s put it like this. When you first meet a girl, what’s your approach? Are you shy or are you confident? Ever see one of those tv shows that tell men how to talk to women they can never have by using select pick up lines? That’s a guy being somebody else, because his true self would never say those things, but he’s going to pretend to be confident in order to get a girl to like them. Or have you ever talked to someone who has an extremely different personality from the person that they like, and then they are given advice about how to talk, what kind of clothes to wear, etc, to get this person’s attention. That’s not real. That’s not being yourself. So in the end, it is a game.
Ok, yeah we’re talking about two different things. I agree though, pickup lines are useless. It’s all about how you deliver it and how open she is to your approach (and how attractive she finds you). I don’t condone pickup lines (Unless you’re just jokin around and bein silly as an icebreaker. That’s part of some people’s personality)
Always, always be the REAL you if you’re truly looking for a relationship. Developing a character is for a drama on stage. In real life, you need to be who you are so the other person can be who they are. Is that scary? Sometimes, if you really dig a person and you’ve put this other persona out there. But, in the end, it will bite you in the arse.
For some people it is. The thought of rejection scares the holy fawk out of them so badly that they are willing to be anyone but their true selves.
I agree with Nilla. I am myself. I am not about manipulating some guy via a false image of me to get him to be mine.
Thats why you are “The CHAMP”!!!
actually, i’m “the champ” because, well, nevermind
That statement should be followed by a quote from an actual woman you smashed while wearing a heavyweight championship belt.
I see your point, Champ.
I can definitely agree with (and personally vouch for) the idea that people often make relationships and their associated activities more difficult than they need to be.
But “Your Degrees…” was full of good information.
“But “Your Degrees…†was full of good information.”
thanks and sh*t
I have to definitely agree. Most of the time we relationships are very difficult because we are with the wrong person. That’s it, that’s all, end of story.
But…
There are those people, who start out as being the right person, and eventually change into the wrong person as life goes on. Then you have some hard decisions ahead of you. Do you stay in the relationship and struggle it out? Or do you choose to blow up your family, your kids, your house, your in-laws, etc. because you didn’t want to fight through and struggle some? Just because something starts out very easy is no guarantee it’s going to end that way.
And what about those poor people who could be with someone else, but it would difficult for them? Are we dooming them to a life alone when they could, perhaps, with a little work, be “domesticated”? People can be just snapshots in time.
“And what about those poor people who could be with someone else, but it would difficult for them? Are we dooming them to a life alone when they could, perhaps, with a little work, be “domesticatedâ€?”
I’m not sure what you’re asking here. But, to your other question, I there’s a difference between struggling and struggling with foundational things that are never going to change. The former is treatable, but I think we tend to act as if the latter is treatable too
TRUTH!
“Do you stay in the relationship and struggle it out? Or do you choose to blow up your family, your kids, your house, your in-laws, etc. because you didn’t want to fight through and struggle some?”
Most, eventually, struggle out of it. Only the ones that can’t resolve their emotional (internal) struggles choose to take the alternative route you’ve suggested here. And, you know what, they could have made it past the pain. It would have subsided eventually with a lot of work on their psyche.
You know, being alone is not always lonely. A person who is life long single may choose that because they actually enjoy having a good support system (i.e. friends and family) and never really miss not having someone 24/7 around. Different strokes for different folks.
That and just the ability to deal with your life as it is, not how you want it to be. People make that mistake too often.
I get ya. I would add that people aren’t always fully honest about what type of relationship they want generally speaking and what type of relationship they can have based on where they are at in their lives emotionally, scholastically, financially, employment, etc. Like you wanna be an emotionally unavailable free (wo)man, but want someone who’s going to care for you like a fully developed parter.
I agree. People are notorious for sending mixed signals.
You mean lying. To themselves and others.
It’s not necessarily lying. Sometimes people want two different things at once.
+1 Val u on it tonight
To lie to yourself, you have to know something about yourself isn’t true. There are people out there who are clueless as to what they truly want. Simply put, there are much more clueless people out there than people who are actively lying to themselves.
+1, they were taught “fake it till you make it”
Me thinking it could be more of self denial than being clueless wait is this the same?
[2 Chainz] T.R.U[/2 Chainz]
“I would add that people aren’t always fully honest about what type of relationship they want generally speaking and what type of relationship they can have based on where they are at in their lives emotionally, scholastically, financially, employment, etc.”
good point. basically, in order to find what’s right for you, you have to be honest with yourself
Bingo! Malik has a point. I had this epiphany a while ago that the entire time I was upset about being single, I really wasn’t ready or sure I even wanted a relationship in the first place. Had I realized this then I would have saved myself a lot of tears and actually figured out what I do want. But better late than never for some introspection.
Good words Champ! I would have never thought this true if it weren’t for two things.
1. A friend who continually dates a man who cheats on her even after we told her he has approached many friends in our group for various favors. No it isn’t him; we’re the ones jealous of his s-curl.
2. Giving direction to young children and watching them completely ignore every direction given or cut out the hard ones, cry because they messed up, help them, and then watch them make the same mistakes.
People have to come to some realizations on their own. If not even time can help them, no advice or guidance can.
That’s what I like to call coddling…
or in layman’s terms- babysitting grown folks.
thanks and shit
This post has me feeling like Obsidian in this sens: If ALL Relationship Advice is BS, since a Person’s Relationship is “Different” than the next and Never Similar in Any Way- then what your saying is Everyone should be walking into relationships Blind @-*
One could say the same about Education today, since even having a Degree these days doesn’t guaranteea Job, as there are millions of college graduates, from Associates through BA, JD, and even PhD, are Unemployed or working a job that would be better fitted just a High School Diploma/GED carrier. I Know there’s at least SOME nuggets of Wisdom in Relationship Advice and Relationship Experts, or else the arguments and Subjective viewpoits from people would be a million times worse than what they are now; Everyone will think They are Right and Everyone Else is Wrong nad Nobody will ever Need o Change or Get Rid of their Flaws.
I know this Isn’t what you Meant, but ANYone, including O (who WILL come in here with his Thesis-like Posts) will see it like this and go into a diatrade and the battle of Sexes, Age, and Smarts/Lack of Smarts will commence
i have a question? is there a method behind your capitalization process? i’ve been trying to detect a pattern, but I’ve been unable to do so
It’s a bad habit; don’t know where I got it from but I’m trying to kick it as a reflex
ohh dont let alla it go. i like your style ~*~
I’ll do you one better – almost all advice is bullsh*t. Your advice is probably coming from a different time and situation as mine. I say this after two events
1 – watching older folks give career advice to young folks. They don’t understand that you have to apply online, and that paper interviews/showing up in person are now a DISadvantage, not and advantage.
2 – watching the parents of 30+ year olds give parenting advice to a woman with a newborn and a pregnant woman. Again, times have changed. And if you were married giving advice to a single mom, broke giving advice to a wealthier mom, etc. your advice doesn’t apply
LOVE these examples. My pops was flabbergasted when I explained to him that most people I know are doing the work of three or four people.
“How can they get away with that?”
Because they know we don’t have a choice.
3 – Accepting relationship/marriage advice from a single person (yes, this list includes your single momma and daddy too). I cannot and do not talk to my mother about my relationship. I saw what she was like in one and it was a wrap.
I’ll give you additional one.
Asking someone of your race/ethnicity about what to do when dating someone of another race/ethnicity, especially if that person never dated outside their race.
If the advice is anything different from “treat them with respect”, then it’s a true crock of shyte
Or if they tell you the relationship is suffering because of your races and fail to acknowledge the real issues, you know not to ask anymore.
Word. Can’t deal with that short sighted shyte.
Word. Life.
The hard part is figuring out how not to start this star-crossed/doomed/DOA relationships in the first place.
Oh, the googles of potential. They’ll get you every time.
Oh, the googles of potential. They’ll get you every time.
I think that women get caught up by focusing on potential. Men get caught up on looks…sadly, I speak from experience. And being conscious of this flaw doesn’t really help to overcome it.
Me in beginning: Damn she is bad… I mean she should she be dating a ball player or a celebrity… I do not get why she is so into me..
About one year in: Ohhhhhhh… OK. I get it. Tooootally get it. Makes sense.
ROTFLMAO! You remind me of this poster that blew up in the late 80s-early 90s: No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. I see this all the time in my life and past, and find it both hilarious and sad.
Give us free!
These days, Halle Berry is the woman in the picture *shots fired!*
I have a funny story to relate. I managed to get in semi-regular contact with a model/video hoochie, the type of woman who ends up in Smooth and ShowMag and does video appearances and such. (No name, no blame, of course.) Being a budding student of Game, I decided to run a bit of internet game, figuring it would cut through the clutter through her fan boys.
Maaaan, good as she looks, after getting to know her, I wouldn’t hump her with my worse enemy’s peen. The insecurities and issues tumbled out of her so fast, it was like the cabinet full of canned food that just tumbles onto you. It also scares me as to what else is in the minds of these “bad chics”. They might be bad in all sorts of not fun ways. *smh*
If there’s one thing I’ve known over the years, is that the prettiest women are also the same ones who are one step away from psychiatric help. Trust me, I’ve seen sh*t…
“It also scares me as to what else is in the minds of these “bad chicsâ€. They might be bad in all sorts of not fun ways. *smh*’
it’s not all good looking women who are like this, just the ones who treat their looks as if it’s THE characteristic instead of just a characteristic.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
You’re right, but in my experience, it seems to be a slight majority that think that their looks are their only characteristic. Unless they have some off-the-charts talent, ability or skill, the rest of their abilities get buried under their looks, and it can lead to some bad situations.
Real talk though, if people in your life only ever talk about your looks, where does the room to work on your other characterisitcs come into play? That’s why attractive people can have huge tendnancies to be screwed up, they lack so much.
but guys is it fair to paint this so broadly across ‘attractive people’ ?? i find that these arseholes you’re referencing tend the be the obnoxiously vain, you can spot them and their egos from a mile away… in my experience attractive people who were raised by whomever to know what parts of who they are [and what aspects in others as well] should truly be valued can be awesome people unfettered by their looks….. who when we encounter them, just happen to be attractive
Women do get caught up in potential, good and bad. For every woman projecting their average ass relationship to be more than it is, theres just as many reaching on every possible red flag that the relationship never gets anywhere.
As for men, we’re guilty of getting caught up in looks. The scenario you described is definitely me and my ex, i outkicked my coverage on her: looks, status, freakiness, yet after a while she went from the baddest woman i ever dated to the baddest woman i ever dated #wordplay.
“For every woman projecting their average ass relationship to be more than it is, theres just as many reaching on every possible red flag that the relationship never gets anywhere.”
YES! Very true. And lmao @ “outkicked my coverage”. Good one. U can’t be using sports references like that if you want the ladies on here to understand your metaphors though lol
I’m still trying to figure out what that means…
Allow me Bridget, and all other non-sports fans. Out-kicking your coverage is a football-based term that guys use when you get a woman that is “waaay out of your league” in looks, status,etc…Sometimes in football, the kicker will kick the ball too far ahead of his guys who’s job it is to cover(tackle the guy who catches it) the kick(punt).
Basically he bit off more than he could chew or took on more woman than he was equipped to handle (pause…but I don’t think he meant in that way tho…at least I hope not) lol
LOL… sometimes you guys are so pompous that you think you can handle just about any woman, aaaannnnnddddd sometimes you get yo’ feelin’s hurt. What can I say. Some of us got it like dat.
#EYEseeWhatYouDidThere
“I think that women get caught up by focusing on potential.”
thing is, if potential ceased to be a consideration, the only men who’d ever get any rhythm would be 45 year olds. i guess this would be a catch-22
+1 Champ. At my age potential is vital in women’s eyes (and it should be, I don’t blame then at all). It takes a while to come into your own so to speak
But shouldn’t potential always be in the equation? I mean, its all about how they are today, but also how they’ll grow, or at least how you think they’ll grow. And hopefully you’ll grow together and stuff.
Very, very, very true. But outside of extreme cases where incompatibility is immediately evident, you have to actually BE in a relationship with someone to realize that you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. If said prospect’s personality is rife with dealbreakers, you realize this at the outset, and jump anyway then thats your fault. But you can’t close yourself off from people you’re interested in… if there is mutual attraction and everything goes smooth in the beginning then most of us will give it a shot. If you’re lucky, you realize that you aren’t meant to be
before she gets pregnantbefore you get emotionally attached. Because we all know that you can still love someone that you absolutely SHOULD NOT be with and spend years fighting for a relationship that should have never started.That SOUNDS good, but if Everybody goes into Relationships with an Aleen Iverson (We Talking ’bout Practice, Man….. Not a Game (x3), Practice” mentality, the people who Don’t want to waste their time wil be Screwed by the Different/Similar ones that Played them before, and Others who ARE on the BS will continue to Thrive
“…you have to actually BE in a relationship with someone to realize that you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.”
tu motherf*ckin shea
“we all know that you can still love someone that you absolutely SHOULD NOT be with and spend years fighting for a relationship that should have never started.”
Why did Usher just pop in my mind… “You say it’s better if we love each other separately. I just need you one more time, I can’t get what we had off my mind”
[bad Miss Cleo impersonation] I have the answers. Call me now! [/bad Miss Cleo impersonation]
Uh…yeah…I think someone may have put a root on me. Can you help me?
It’s one of dem two chicks who’s real government name you mentioned up in here a few months back. Yeah one of them got roots on ya arse..lol.
Dat’s what you get nicca *snickers*
You just had to go there, didnt you? LMAO!
Yo but on the real as much as you say even this site is on the bull$hit list of relationship advice givers, y’all and by y’all I mean everybody here on VSB has helped me in someway understand relationships and people better. And that means a hell of a lot to me. Sappy? Yes. Do I care at all? Hell Naww. Sociology is my claim and understanding thee Not understood is my game. Can ya dig it?
+1 Craig. I learn a lot on here and on the internet in general. The key is to be smart enough to sift through the information overload and know what applies to you, the person you’re dealing with, and whatever situation you’re involved in. Champ exaggerates to make his points sometimes, so I don’t think he really means that all relationship advice is bullsh!t, he’s just making the point that it isn’t guaranteed to cure relationship issues.
JMTG I know Champ like to go off that deep end to get his point across sometimes. I just wanted y’all to know I’m thankful for this site and what not. And you’re right. If I apply the right ish to the right situation and person how can I go wrong?
+1
I cosign on this SO HARD!
“Champ exaggerates to make his points sometimes”
i do? really, lol?
It seems like it. Not all the time, but sometimes you do and I think it’s actually effective because it’s more likely to get people to talking and trying to clean up your statement and bring balance to the perspective. That’s why I don’t fault you for it or think of it as a flaw.
As a matter of fact I remember asking you about why you said something in such a way once (can’t remember the topic). I was like “you could’ve got that (valid and otherwise accurate) point across this way” and you responded with “yeah but where’s the fun in that?” (ie “it’s provokative, it gets the people goin” lol) To which I could only say “touche and sh!t”
“It seems like it”
lol, yeah. i know i do. was just being sarcastic
I’d agree. Some of the most interesting ‘ah ha’ moments have come from this blog and folks sharing their stories, and it’s not all been about relationships. For that I thank VSB and VSS’s for giving it up. *applause*
It’s all good my dude. Best thing about interaction with other people is to understand different perspectives from different ages and experiences. Everybody has something to offer, you just have to be on the look out to see if it is for you.
Think about it though, if knowledge was wealth, you’d have a Maybach by now.
Champ,
I just wanted to say hey. lol. Also, good post.
don’t talk to me
One more thing, people should be attempting and constantly working towards being a healthier individual before deciding to bring other people into their chaos. There would be less cars with broken windows and nerd relationship revenge if that was the foundation for relationship advice.
“There would be less cars with broken windows and nerd relationship revenge if that was the foundation for relationship advice.”
And many, many less people on Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, People’s Court, etc., etc.
But…what would we watch on TV? LOL
“nerd relationship revenge”? Shots fired? But at whom?
*Patiently waiting with Todd and Jay to learn more about this nerd relationship revenge
Malik speaks of*
nerd relationship revenge! lmao. love it.
i assume you mean hacking into social media profiles and deciphering passwords and such? bc my ex-ex was definitely on that. lol
“people should… constantly [be] working towards being a healthier individual before deciding to bring other people into their chaos.”
Nah uh… don’t do this. Okay, well, don’t do this AND share it here on VSB because some brothas (ehem… JMTG…) won’t understand when people actually need to take a break from the game and take care of themselves… no matter how long that might take. *shots fired*
“Nerd Revenge”:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/07/investment-manager-embarrassing-email_n_1135279.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/06/david-gray-investment-banker-stalker_n_1132808.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/27/uk-banker-gets-dumped_n_1237197.html
Read it and weep.
Malik FTW
I agree. There would never be a hoodrat with IT & hacker skills if they could teach emotional responsibility.
I actually fundamentally disagree with the notion that relationships are supposed to be easy. While you’re not wrong that many a people get in relationships with the wrong people, I would argue that even when blessed to find your seemingly perfect match, relationships inherently take a lot of work, which makes them the opposite of easy. If you find the right person, things like where to go for dinner, when/where to take a weekend trip, and other “honeymoon-ish” decisions are a lot easier. In the absence of drama, things seem easy. But when facing decisions about where to live and work, pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in the face of growing responsibilities and financial burden, when to have kids and how to raise them, and other adult decisions, no part of those decisions are easy. And the independent experiences, emotions, and desires that we bring into relationships can, and often does, make the process difficult.
Relationship advice is not useless. It provides insight that is often unforeseen, wisdom that is underachieved, and a model from which one can pick and choose to implement in his/her life.
I totally agree with you, E Sharp. Relationships are not easy. They take a lot of work, a lot of reflection/introspection, a lot of patience, and a lot of will to overcome the obstacles. I think that the resolve to work through issues and to reach compromises is the most important skill to possess. I’ve learned a lot about myself in my current relationship – my strengths and my flaws, how to put ego aside, how to genuinely apologize… It takes a lot to commit to someone, but once you do (if that’s your thing), there’s a wonderful feeling of peace and security that forms within.
“But when facing decisions about where to live and work, pursuing entrepreneurial ventures in the face of growing responsibilities and financial burden, when to have kids and how to raise them, and other adult decisions, no part of those decisions are easy”
I disagree. If you’re with the right person, then your ultimate goals should be somewhat similar. And, if they are, those types of decisions aren’t as difficult.
I will say, though, that there can be outside factors (a stacey-dash doppelganger who happens to be your new neighbor, losing a job, dealing with prolonged sickness or injury, etc) that can make things very hard.
Goals can change over time. I married someone who had the same goals as me. He later changed them after some deaths in the family, soul searching, etc. Nothing is set in stone. There is no right person.
D@mn WC is on the money today. I agree with that. Champ what you’re saying is true too, but your bias (ie “I’m a marriage idealist”) is showing right now, and you could be right, but generally speaking I don’t find the concept of “the one” to be realistic for most folks. I agree with E Reed’s post completely though. Well said dude
WC spitting wisdom, yet again.
nerd relationship revenge
You got some ‘splaining t’doo.
I have been reading this blog for about a year and have never commented.
I do agree that most the time people are dating the wrong person. Without taking the advice from the many blogs I read; I just recently got married. What I realized is I had to change the type of man I was use to dating.Being yourself is the best way to find your match. You can’t fake who you are and later expect him/she to accept your flaws.
Welcome to VSB! ::throws glitter:: Congrats on the nuptuals! Thanks for your contributions!
Welcome and congratulations!!!
welcome and shit
Welcome and congratulations!
I can honestly say as i have gotten older. Stepping back and realizing i have to work on me. Knowing myself i know my worth, whats are deal breakers what i am looking for, and asking for what i want. It takes away the stress, and time wasters in your life.
It’s hard to decipher who’s the wrong person sometimes (barring your “types”). Mainly because you don’t experience the full scope of someone’s emotions until you actually get IN a relationship with that person.
Mostly the emotions of sadness and anger. You’re trying to impress someone those first few dates, and if you succeed then the only emotions you get from them are happiness and the only expressions you see are smiles and other kind gestures. Sure they can TELL you what makes them tick, but you won’t actually KNOW exactly how tick it makes them until you become official and you both feel comfortable enough around each other. Simply put, it’s not that people aren’t being their true selves, it’s just that they’re only showing you part of the whole package. Like when you hear Lauryn Hill and wish the Fugees drop a new album, then you hear Wyclef and it’s….nevermind.
Basically, during the first few dates, people give you the Lauryn, in relationships, you get the Lauryn AND Wyclef.
And then a few years in when they get REALLY comfortable… It’ ALLL Prazwell baby.
BBBBOOOOOLLLLLL=PRICELESS
Hey, stop with the shade on Praz. He’s the main reason my alma mater is probably the only college on the planet with ties to a Nobel Prize and a Diamond record. Don’t steal our shine, man!
“Basically, during the first few dates, people give you the Lauryn, in relationships, you get the Lauryn AND Wyclef.”
This is funny as hell- especially if you consider their backstory…
ROTFLMBO…TUK, I am banishing you to the corner…You needs to be gone till November…*wink*
I see what you did there. Lol!
Its a pity that people feel the need to act when trying to get into a relationship…personally i only act at work( it gets things moving, not indicate to a superior that their idea sucks), after work all bets are off..your going to deal with the real me.
I get where you’re coming from with this one Champ and I agree to some extent, but I think you exaggerated a little to make your point. Here’s what I agree with:
“You don’t have to go very far to hear someone argue that relationship advice is ultimately meaningless because the dynamics present in each relationship are too variable, too nuanced to be addressed and “solved†by some arbitrary advice. ”
I think that’s an important point because a stranger can’t tell you the appropriate way to interact with someone that they don’t know or have any feelings for. Real life situations are way too nuanced to expect anybody to solve your relationship struggles for you. Too many variables and nobody knows for sure what would produce the best possible outcome.
However I think to say that all relationship/dating advice is bullsh!t is a stretch. I think it depends on the advice and the person receiving it. If the “advice” is more about how to communicate with or understand (wo)men or certain personality types then there’s a lot of useful information out here to sift through. Also if it’s about the differences in communication methods between men and women then it can be useful. I personally have benefitted a lot from the explanations of common perceptions among women from this site and others. There’s ALWAYS value/insight to be gained from honest and articulate strangers. I think it comes down to how smart and reasonable the person receiving the advice is. You have to know how to sift through the bs and understand what doesn’t apply to you and what does. That’s easier said than done, but it’s not that difficult either imo.
Because of the complexity of relationships I believe that sharing experiences and letting others draw their own conclusions is superior to doling out advice.
I agree. I also believe engaging is an impulse we convince ourselves is one okay to act on. thats where the interpersonal experience comes from. I wonder what would happen if we just stopped convincing ourselves to engage in the bs.
@ Jay- Exactly. I thought about the wording after I posted that. “Advice” isn’t what I was really referring to. I think shared experience and personal insight can be very helpful, but advice isn’t the right word for what I meant. If we’re actually talkin “advice” then yeah Champ is right, it’s all bullsh!t for the most part.
“I wonder what would happen if we just stopped convincing ourselves to engage in the bs.”
We’d all be bored out of our minds, cause doin the right thing is so trite and unadventurous lol, I’m kiddin…sort of. I get your point though, we definitely make things more difficult than they should be
lol, word. but we never know I guess. we should try it out sometime and see where doing the right thing takes us. I bet just like a life unfold from consciously making a bad decision, a good life, a better life unfolds when we decide to make the right choice. I bet it’s a cooler life, although I agree, totally boring. but maybe there’s something else to it that makes it worthwhile. *stares at good decision-making people like theyre fascinating science project subjects*
Jay, you beat me to the punch! This was exactly what I was going to say. Sometimes when we as partners in a relationship argue with our significant others, we look to friends for advice that validate our respective reaction to the certain situation. Instead, we should look to friends who offer diplomatic advice that will lead us to reach our own conclusions about how to best proceed. We ALL have that ONE friend who gives sound advice… but they oftentimes go ignored because they go against what we built up in our own minds…
I agree with Jay. Let them form their own conclusions.
I think its bull from the standpoint of…
if you put all females on one half of the planet and males on the other half, no interaction whatsoever until maturity was reached, all mating practices would happen at the center of the world in the proper timing, between the fully matured, and for the proper reasons. no advice necessary because thats just how the world works.
in the world we live in you can do what you want, when you want, how you wanna do it and for whatever reason. no personal accountability or responsibility, no self standards. relationships are completely bullishted and contrived delusions of acceptability. theyre fake and without purpose. empty. yet we partake in them knowing this which makes all advice bullisht in that youre trying to make something “full” of crap seem sensible.
that is cynical alright!!
i think its realistic. how many relationships you know have a purpose outside of just temporary comfort? total bull. it may be a bit cyncial whe applied to me on a personal level but i mean, i tend towards long term relationships that have a long term purpose. im saying, sleeping around dating around, getting into dead end relationships you know from jump arent really gonna go anywhere makes all dating advice bs. dude c’mon. you knew the girl with the forever 21 dress riding up her butt in a public place was not the one for you. girl you knew the dude sitting at the bar checkin out ALL the girls in 5 inch heels was not gonna be the one for you. why are you asking for advice? *holds bridge of my nose* *shakes head*
Just throw out the collection plate now pastor, before I put my wallet back.
haha! *cheeses*
This right here +1000
I agree, especially with the communication techniques. I learned a lot from “Women are From Venus Men are From Mars” and I still use the love letter technique to deal with SOME problems that arise in my relationship. I think it’s important to pick and choose relevant advice instead of taking everything any one author says as gospel.
So if we are getting into relationships with the wrong person how on earth do you get with the right person? And how can you tell that the person is right/wrong for you without getting into a relationship?? I compare dating to shoe shopping. You have to try them on to see if they fit right?? Sometimes they don’t fit right and we buy em any way knowing damn well our feet hurt but they look so darn good! Just like dating… we allow ourselves to get involved with the wrong person because they look good or make us feel good (sex) but in the long run it hurts to be with em. My only question is how many shoes do I have to try on to find the perfect fit???
“So if we are getting into relationships with the wrong person how on earth do you get with the right person?”
that’s the hard part, lol
“The Game is linear.”
-Mystery
Good morning champ,
Todays topic selection is most interesting in light of a previous discussion that took place here last week.
Lets dive right in.
Last week a vsb regular, actually two, had a sort of mini-argument on the question of whether comedian-turned “relationship guru” steve harvey, had any merit in doling out his “advice”. Pretty soon other vsb regulars joined in, and before long there was a lot of sound and fury, all signifying nothing.
What never ceases to amaze me about our people-regardless as to our putative state-certified brain power-is our ability to engage in ad hominem with utter abandon. Not once during said previous conversation, was harveys arguments themselves actually examined; only airing with what seemed like personal dislikes about him as a person. Which was truly unfortunate, because if one takes just a bit of time out to actually read what he says, as well as to listen to what he says in his numerous interviews etc, he makes a heck of a lot of sense.
For example, the notion that harvey is some kind of “relationship expert” is false; he makes it crystal clear that he is nothing of the sort. What he says is that hes an expert on what being a man is like, and by extension his claim to fame is in telling women how men think. Hence the title of his franchise.
And he does this because, as he observed on an appearance on the tyra banks show, women have a very nasty tendency to pass stupid information between each other, on what they think they know about men-which more often than not proves utterly disasterous. This is why women place such a high value on having male friends-so they can glean vital information on men in a romantic/sexual context. Of course, the trick here is that they are rarely romantically or sexually interested with said male “friends”-which explains why my policy is best for the vast majority of men:
It profits a man nothing to be a womans “friend”. If she wants a manformation consultant, bodyguard or just some eye candy for the evening, let her pay for it like anything else. Call for rates.
Much of what harvey says is quite accurate-again, about how men in aggregate think about women in a psychosexual sense, and i have yet to encounter someone who can specifically point out when and where he is wrong in this regard. That his book ranks up there with the best of the pack in terms of sheer sales and length of time on the nyt bestsellers list, really should speak for itself.
Having said all that, it must also be noted that harvey wouldnt be a red pill-far from it. Astute students of game will be able to spot clearly, why i say this.
The idea that love/sex/relationships are just so “complicated” is catnip to the ladies, because, as has been proven in numerous academic studies, they dont understand themselves; their emotions buffet them about like leaves on a brisk autumn day. Besides, it is deeply upsetting to women to know that, as the quotation above points out in brutally blunt fashion, that they simple arent that special. That the sequence of events in the age old mating dance is predictable. That a man can indeed learn a step by step mimicking of psychological behaviors a plurality of women across time and cline finds sexually desirable.
And that there is precious little they can do about it.
While initially poo-pooed by the intelligentsia only 20 years ago, today evopsych finds more and more traction in the mainstream press, and more college depts offer courses in the study to its students. Science is more picking up the pace in unraveling the mystery of human mating-how and why we do what we do along these lines. The knowledge base grows. The Game continues to advance and refine itself.
The Singularity is nigh.
Black folk-and im talking to its supposed best and brightest now-have to decide if theyre going to be on board for the ride, or if theyre going to be left in the dust.
Thus far, the early returns have not given me much in the way of hope for the former.
What a shame.
Now adjourn your arses…
O.
I never thought of Steve Harvey like that. Personally, I’ve been so turned off by his churchy behavior that it’s hard to pay attention to the message. At least with his TV show, someone told him to put away the red pinstriped suits and whatnot.
With regard to women, I think that the advice that women give to other women is designed to suck. Women tend to prefer to compete in much more subtle ways than men. That’s why you’ll see some women size up a group of women based on shoes, clothes, accessories and makeup with ease, but then get bored and annoyed with sports. In that same ilk, women will give another woman jacked-up advice for their own ends, which trend toward two separate goals.
One is to keep women in the group headed in the same general direction. Sometimes the direction can be healthy, but it can also be completely be random or even flat out destructive. Women tend to value group cohesion as a social value above all else, and women will blow up other women’s relationships just to keep the crew together. The other reason is that women like to pull group consensus to their leadership, and if a woman is about to top her, women will use the group to cut her down subtly. If a woman has the have the best relationship in the group to feel in charge, they aren’t going to let another woman try to take their crown. It’s stupid, but true.
Where I diverge from you is that you should give advice freely to women. Why? Because it’s a way of giving to the universe. The world isn’t just filled with pimps and hoes, the track off of Life After Death notwithstanding. They are filled with humans with lives and thoughts and dreams just like us. And besides, considering how ugly some people are, both inside and out, I’m not bringing my peen near them. So why not give them some advice? It costs you nothing but a few minutes of time, and they have a better life. If they try to take advantage, take them out by any means necessary, of course. But don’t be afraid to give.
Maybe it’s raising my daughter and having to teach her about the world pretty much dolo for solo that has me on that mode, but I will say that it’s a good thing to act like this.
This crabs in a barrel & pack mentality is one that I have heard about and seen but have never experienced. I wonder how pervasive it really is. I have personally gotten sihtty advice from other women, to which I politely smiled and ignored. However, I can’t say that the advice was given to sabotage me in way way, these women really believed in what they were telling me. I’ve actually seen them take the advice themselves, with no luck. I have a hard time believing that the majority of women are as stupid and evil as you have described.
I wouldn’t say that the vast majority of women who give bad advice are evil. It’s just that they’re so ignorant of their own issues that they don’t even see what they’re doing as destructive. Of course this can be plain stupid, but it can just as easily be otherwise smart women rationalizing some very self-destructive patterns.
Also, I wouldn’t say all of women are like that. I wouldn’t even say a solid majority of women are like that. But all it takes is one or two influential women with a woman’s ear to cause some real pain. The sad thing is I’ve witnessed women doing this to each other while telling me exactly their scoop knowing I knew the other women involved. WTF?
@Todd: I agree with your assessment about women. It’s true, some women do try to subtly and not-so-subtly cut each other’s relationships down… and this is not just limited to girlfriends. My own mother (who is single) does not want to see my relationship succeed because it will take away from the time I have to shower her with attention. I would like to add however, that some women are genuinely there for each other and do offer each other sound advice. Good friendships are hard to find, but they do exist.
I agreed with what Obsidian said about Steve Harvey. I also agree however, with other commenters on this thread that say that his advice is generic. I think that Harvey is good for a certain sector of women who just simply do not know how to navigate healthy and long-lasting relationships… and who want to.
It profits a man nothing to be a womans “friendâ€. If she wants a manformation consultant, bodyguard or just some eye candy for the evening, let her pay for it like anything else. Call for rates.
Men pay attention. Buff Said.
Black folk-and im talking to its supposed best and brightest now-have to decide if theyre going to be on board for the ride, or if theyre going to be left in the dust.
Agreed. I am embarassed that black folks as a group are the last to learn about how the SMP & hypergamy in females. That is where the real relationship advice is at.
You Know I called your Thesis Comment last night…….. Didn’t disappoint
@ Marshal- I mean anything less would’ve been uncivilized lol
Todd that was pretty blunt but i feel you though (re: if they’re ugly inside and out). as far as what you said about women subtly competing and doing the misery loves company thing on the low, I would call you a liar or at the very least say that that’s rare and that you’re exaggerating if it weren’t for the fact that I hear WOMEN say that about each other ALL THE TIME. I thought they were exaggerating too, but when I kept hearing it over and over from different women I started feeling like there must be at least SOME truth to it, but it can’t be applicable to all or even most women though.
@ Obsidian- I think one criticism I constantly hear about Steve Harvey is that he states the obvious and his advice is generic and without nuance. Apparently it’s level one, basic advice that doesn’t account for much complexity and thus isn’t as situation specific as a lot of ladies are looking for. I wouldn’t know though, I don’t read his work for obvious reasons lol
“What he says is that hes an expert on what being a man is like, and by extension his claim to fame is in telling women how men think. ”
Yep. We don’t all think the same, but there are quite a few patterns that apply to the majority of us. It really depends on the guy’s intentions and the stage he’s at though. There’s no one size all answers out there, but there’s a lot of shared perception/desire among men though, so good point
JMTG, I wouldn’t say all women are on the same steez. What I do notice is that stuff like this happens depending on the concentration of the group. If you have women who have their heads screwed on right, they will check any woman who is slipping out of love. On the flip side, get a bunch of women with issues together, and it’s crabs-in-the-barrel time. The problem is that women have trouble telling the two groups apart, and they need to run, not walk, from the latter bunch.
That’s the best word to describe Steve Harvey’s “advice”: GENERIC. When women (because not 1 man ever fixed his lips to say Steve Harvey’s book said) shared tidbits from the book, I gave the slow blink and asked “You didn’t know this already?” And thought to myself: Maybe, you need some additional books to help you.
P.S. People using the word cookie (and seeing Steve on many shows saying it) just made me want to slap people in the mouth. Put Hill Harper next to Steve Harvey on the list of people giving generic relationship advice that is just plain common sense.
I will say this in the partial defense of said women. There are a lot of people out there who have no clue what common sense is or looks like. Of COURSE they’re going to be lost. They don’t know which was is up.
The Singularity is nigh.
I find this to be the most intriguing sentence in your comment. I know exactly what the singularity is. Its just that I have never heard it spoken of in any context outside of science and technology. Are you speaking colloquially? Is there some separate “singularity” spoken of in evo-psych and Game that I haven’t heard of??Or are you suggesting that the singularity, the emergence of superhuman intelligence that will change EVERYTHING, will happen due to the ever-increasing consciousness of human mating and reproductive patterns?
I find this interesting because I have wondered what will happen when Game reaches somewhat of a critical mass. I 100% believe in the science behind Game. I also believe that eventually those ideas will survive the pushback and criticism(mostly from women) that they are usually met with because they prove effective in application in an arena where most advice(as we’re discussing today) only serves to complicate an already murky situation. If this happens then at some point in the future, Game will become common sense and of course some higher form of Game will have developed.
I think Steve Harvey books tell it like it is. When i sit back and think over my relationship if i knew myself better and the game. I wouldnt not of wasted my time with quite a few of the men i let into my world.
As I take a break from preparing my student’s lesson plan, this just gave me LIFE! Ive felt this way forever…and this partly explains why I haven’t been in a relationship for 4 years. Not even a pretend relationship lol. I just dont have the emotional and physical availability for someone else right now…by choice. Let my friends tell it (you know the ones who are not married)…I have a problem.
“I just dont have the emotional and physical availability for someone else right now…by choice. Let my friends tell it (you know the ones who are not married)…I have a problem.”
Oddly enough, those are the same friends who may have a date with B.O.B.- and I don’t mean the rapper either, LMAO!
“Oddly enough, those are the same friends who may have a date with B.O.B.- and I don’t mean the rapper either, LMAO!”
And on that note goodnight. LOL
Jalapeno pepper!!!
Muah!
All relationship advice is bullsh*t, but some people can lick their own elbows
I think we have a telepathic connection, as per your avi and mine in the other great lands!! LOVE it.
I don’t think all relationship advice is wrong. Wisdom is wisdom. It can be applied to all situations, including relationships. The type of advice one should ignore is the obvious and not so obvious wrong one. Advice rife with immaturity, bitterness, foolishness and hatred should be ignored. But advice tempered with wisdom, lots of common sense, compassion and justice will serve one well in anything. I think the trick comes when its time to apply said advice to individual situations–but it can still be done.
As for relationships, they’re difficult because people are difficult. Saying that relationships are hard because people haven’t found the right person suggests that those people are the right person. The fact of the matter is that most people suck. Most people are selfish, insecure, jealous, immature, easily-angered and foolish. These characteristics don’t make for easy relationships. That’s why relationships are so hard. People make them hard because they are slaves to their horrible personalities and bad decision making skills.
Its not that hard to be in a relationship. All you need is to be attracted to the person, have chemistry, and like/respect the them. Bingo. Bazinga. Waiting for birds to sing and volcanoes to erupt isn’t necessary. It is people that destroy relationships. And its the same emotional immaturity that causes them to be oblivious to their destructive characteristics that causes them to never learn, grow or change. So someone could be immature, unkind, unyielding and insecure in a relationship, have it not work out, and then blame the universe when they say, “I just haven’t found the right person.” They may have already loved and lost the right person for them–the best fit they were ever gonna find. Because of who they are, and the choices that they made, they lost them.
All in all, people need to do better. Maturity doesn’t automatically come with age. You need to feel and see yourself getting better. Self-control, self-discipline, kindness, patience, security, compassion, empathy, sympathy, logic/reason, honesty, loyalty etc. need to be as much a part of us as the food we eat and the air we breathe. THEN, when we enter relationships, we’ll find them much more pleasant and generally easier to be in, than the travesties we have now. They won’t be super easy, but they definitely shouldn’t be as difficult as they are now.
+100
being the “right” person is a big part of finding the right person, so from that standpoint, i agree with what you’re saying
You can put it on the booooooooooooarrrrd — YYYYYYYYYES! This is the comment of the day. I agree with everything you said!
Omg!! Am I the only one reading between the lines of this post? Champ, are you in the begining of a new, awesome, relationship that feels effortless? Do you think you’ve found “the One?” Im soooo happy for you champy!! *throws true love glitter*
You’re the only one Iceprincess, but it’s cool.
Glitter is always fun. *throws glitter with Iceprincess*
Lol, fa real tho Todd! Dont it seem like he met someone and it’s so good that it flies in the face of conventional wisdom, making him question everything he’s ever known bout relationships? Maybe im trippin, but i smell love in the air. Maybe champ will confirm, maybe he wont. But i think he’s smitten…
Am with you Ice…I am going through this very thing. Easy and effortless…its scary and exciting all at the same time. This negro gat me writing love letters…le sigh!!!
*throws heart-haped glitter on Breezy*
Oh, the love letters…I’ve been there. Damnit, I am there.
*rests elbows on desk, plants face in hands* Tes, doesn’t it feel wonderful!!!!!
*sighs* It is, Breezy, it is.
Ruins your creativity after awhile, but it’s beautiful, nonetheless.
What da hale? Writing love letters? Letters? Who writes letters anymore? I just use text.
Nilla: R U KIDDING ME!!! There is something so beautiful and sweet about a person taking the time to HAND WRITE you a love note. I have written 2 to the boo so far…first one brought him to tears…sighhhhh. *spins*
Breezy, I have this thing about evidence. I try not to leave any.
No love letters, no voice mails. Texts can be subpoenaed if necessary, but that takes a lot more work. I’d rather just say it or show it, ya know?
Hmmm…that’s not what I got LOL O_o. But if its true then you’re really good
“Champ, are you in the beginning of a new, awesome, relationship that feels effortless?”
no
I was thinking the same thing, Ice Princess! Awwwww lol
First time commenting but been a lurker for years! And just have to agree with The Champ:
‘Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night ‘ is indeed the shit!! *goes back to London lurking*
welcome and sh*t
Let me summarize this article:
“All relationship advice is BS…but the best advice I can give you is to choose the right person and stop choosing the wrong person.” I don’t think you can use advice to disprove the merit of advice.
In all nations, societies, cultures etc, the men and women are always going to be a reflection of each other. And in the black community at least, the men and women are simply confused when it comes to relationships. That’s why we act surprised when we see people who’ve been married for 20+ years and then we ask “My God, what is your secret?” Umm, there is no secret, this used to be normal.
We live in the dark ages as far as relationships are concerned today. What used to be known, accepted and viewed as common sense, is now considered occult knowledge by today’s standard. Hasn’t Tyler Perry built his empire on relationship dysfunction-oriented movies? Same thing as Steve Harvey?
Most people seek out relationship advice because they don’t know how to get what they want in the first place from the opposite sex. The men thought that if they were simply nice; worked hard; were gentlemen etc, that they would find a loving woman – they were wrong. The women thought that if they maintained a good reputation; were well educated; conducted themselves with dignity and self respect, that they would find a loving man – they too were wrong. When there is dysfunction, confusion, insanity and amorality, all rules and laws are thrown off the table and it’s everyone for themselves – that’s the reality.
The problem isn’t that all relationship advice is BS, but rather that relationships themselves, today, are all BS and we keep hoping that they will make sense, but sooner or later we find out that it never works out that way.
I think the chaos that resulted from the end of Jim Crow and the deindustrialization of the East Coast and Midwest meant that a lot of babies were thrown out with the bathwater. A generation who grew up amidst the chaos thought the chaos was normal and reproduced the insanity from one generation to the next. If people stopped to think that “gee, maybe I was traumatized by my dad rolling out and my mom having to work 3 jobs to survive” or “maybe chasing after dope boys and/or acting like the block was my dad was a bad idea”, maybe people would have enough self-awareness to work on their relationships.
I’m not holding my breath though.
THANK YOU,TODD!!!!! This whole “Millenials are the Worst Generation” talk is Garbage and Most in my age range (birth to 30yrs) ARE carzy and Wacked Out BECAUSE Previous Geners were Thinking, Living, and Teaching that Sh!t
I don’t take it as far as you think Marshal. What was going on was that people had resources on an unheard-of level, wanted to change their world, and assumed that since most of the mass movements in recent history had worked out well that this was going to be the same. Of course, we see the end result. However, hindsight is 20/20 like a mother.
It’s the same thinking that led to the housing crisis. Nothing like it had happened in recent memory, so people decided to push the limits of what was possible in the building and financing of houses. As a result, we’re dealing with a lot of foolishness that’s going to take decades to fix.
Actually Todd it wasn’t that long ago. It started in the 60′s when Black white collar middle class parents started programming their daughters to marry only Black professionals.
If you want to take history into consideration then, you should probably put the whole idea into perspective.
The idea behind relationships or better yet dating is barely a 100 years old. A 100+ years ago, you were either married or you were single – there was no such thing as a boyfriend or a girlfriend. When relationships and dating first came about, it was something that was done for fun. And fun was defined as making out, holding hands, going out to the movies which each other, holding hands in public, wearing the same colors etc. In other words a relationship was Grease the movie. Relationships were initially created for fun only – an act of recreation.
But then the 60′s came along, and fun became sex, and as it usually does, it complicated things. Sex, as history shows, always complicates things; much more than financial situations, drugs, alcohol etc when dealing with the opposite sex. Playboy, Kinsey, Pick Up Artists, Kamasutra and Tantra Gurus, Relationship experts, Sex Therapists, Feminists etc all own a large part of their existence today to the dysfunction that came about from sex revolution. And we’re all living with those problems till this very day.
Today what was once considered an act of fun and pleasure, is now considered more serious than marriage. You’re more likely to sell a book or build a career as a relationship expert than a marriage counselor. We’ve grown into a society that takes something serious that was meant to be trivial and playful (relationships) and the thing that is actually serious and hardcore (marriage), we look upon with cynicism and apprehension. It should be no surprise that confusion and dissatisfaction are the norm nowadays when we talk about interactions between the sexes; we have our priorities and values all mixed up.
Agree with all of this here, especially the sex part. If you want to do the grown-up, you should be a grown-up and deal with the responsibilities. Of course, some people can only do this within the context of marriage, so a more traditional lifestyle will make them happy. The rest of society who chooses to play with fire needs to learn to do it responsibly, lest they burn their neighbor on some dumb ish.
“lest they burn their neighbor on some dumb ish.”
Todd, you’re OBLIGATED to say whether this pun was intentional or not lol
“I don’t think you can use advice to disprove the merit of advice.”
I don’t know why I couldn’t put my finger on what was strange about this article. Good point though.
“The men thought that if they were simply nice; worked hard; were gentlemen etc, that they would find a loving woman – they were wrong. The women thought that if they maintained a good reputation; were well educated; conducted themselves with dignity and self respect, that they would find a loving man – they too were wrong.”
(Throws a 10 dollar bill in BM’s collection plate)
It was unintentional, but it definitely works, huh?
In other words a relationship was Grease the movie.
No one told Rizzo and Kinickie. They were getting it in.
dude, this comment + the original comment = yes. The evolution of black relationships. and I really think it’s caused more current generations to really just grow up without any sort of sense of how it should be and what it used to be like back in our grandmas days or our great great grandmas. Maybe even some of our parents who have 20, 30, 40 years marriages under their belt — but that’s become the exception to the rule of divorce. Crazy!
I’m not even sure relationship advice is meant for such relationships or the intent is to help others get to those kind of relationships. What is the intent of sex/dating/relationship advice?
because I’m pretty sure at one point females learned how to be women from their mothers and males learned how to be men from their fathers and they were taught what it means to be married. responsible. resilient. a few may have been a little prematurely reckless but it’s not like nowadays where EVERYONE is just doing whatever with no regards to the impact on the black ommunity or our future generations. has anyone ever stopped to think…..our children???? marriage will no longer exist in a generation or two let alone its sanctity let alone its reverence and moral standing. it will become obsolete. we need to give advice to one another on how to get back to the beautiful days when black men cherished black women and black women were happy to be a woman for their man.
You can’t stop to think, if you don’t know what to think about.
Many people have grown to believe that romantic relationships and marriages are one in the same. Or that dating leads to marriage. However, as most people find out: the person you date, is different from the person you marry. Marriage is a whole different ballgame than being in what we tend to call relationships.
As I said, the main purpose of a romantic relationship is to have a good time, and enjoy each others company. You go out; you eat out; you spend quality time with each other etc. A marriage means you’re trying to build a legacy; all those things you did in a relationship are downgraded to recreational activities. Marriage is the pros, relationship is the minors. A lot of players are trying to get into the pros with a minors mentality, and they’re shocked when they can’t handle the heat and the pressure.
Marriage replaces fun for work. And a lot of people nowadays think work is bad, boring and in some cases even oppressive. When the Africans were building the pyramids, putting one stone upon the other stone wasn’t fun, whichever way you try to slice it; yet the results speak for themselves: 5000+ years later. That is what a marriage is, and it can only be accomplished and successful with those who have the minds and the vision to partake in it. But most people nowadays want the pyramid, without putting in the work to have it built; they want to have fun and build at the same time, i.e. they want the results of a marriage and the fun of a relationship – even though more times than not, they end up with neither.
amen brother.
I’m with you on all of that.
ive always has an inkling that the whole premise of leisurely going out with someone < what it means to have a marriage and legacy. I also think a lot of people don't wanna make that switch of the mind and lifestyle and put it off longer and longer and longer and then, I wonder what happens when romantic, fun relationships replace the time it takes to hone skills for a successful marriage. but then it seems like my peers just assume they can just automatically be married. like they can wake up one day and just know how to ensure a lasting marriage, take their vows literally. Maybe if there was space or even an emptiness in our lives where we normally put fun or socializing or frivolous relationships we would naturally begin to dwell on the next development of life, or that next — whatever. If we allowed the space maybe it would just develop naturally and we'd be married minded. Life is full of fun things yet we see how empty it is of lasting, substantial….well, anything. but ESPECIALLY marriages.
Well goddamn.
If that isn’t some important information right there.
“Umm, there is no secret, this used to be normal.”
Exactly. But now its like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow guarded by a glittery unicorn smokin a blunt full of pixie dust. Le sigh.
I really think many people do not really KNOW what they want. Furthermore, they create this image and then try to ctrl+alt+v that image to someone else…And surprised when said person doesnt live up to the hype. We forget that every journey has to lead to some type of destination and I would think the relationship journey would lead to marraige but it seems everyone is still “test-driving” on the simulated road to…nowhere. Awesome. Maybe we should start by redefining our morals and values?
A blunt with pixie dust….can I get in on this?
The best relationship “advice” I ever got was from a couple married almost 50 years. We (me and my SO) asked, “so what’s your secret” to which the wife responded, “you just have to be nice to each other and always speak kindly”. You know how hard it is to “be nice and speak kind” to someone in the middle of an argument? But it’s worked for us so far and I hope it continues to work.
This is fair. I think the nature of our relationships have changed overall. If you date “casually” then you will have more purposeless interactions with people. And yes, I’ve had plenty, LOL I’ve heard pastors ask young couples “if you don’t see yourself marrying him/her why are you dating?” It’s not a modern sentiment but as I get older I see the usefulness of it.
All relationship advice is NOT bullshyt. It is the people who are seeking advice who are bullshyt. Why ask me for help and then your dumb azz doesn’t listen and then you go and do something fcked up because you are in panic mode and tossed a hail mary.Then you decided to use my advice it is after you made the situation worse and my advice was rendered worthless by your cheap azz stunt excuted before you applied my advice.
lol, sounds like a very specific situation
First of all, all relationship advice is NOT bullsh*t, but most come from the a bad premise.
Second of all, natural mating AT LEAST, in the coastal cities in the US of A is broken. I am sure that it is effed up all over. but NYC, LA, MIAMI, ATL, DC if a man wants to find romantic bliss in cities where the most beautiful women reside, you have to get some GAME. When you can’t be yourself & regular in your city, state, country, province, etc. as a man, the culture is a toxic one, and probably will eat itself over time. I digress.
Third, and which if any VSB reader wants to follow in Steve Harvey’s footsteps and make a killing in the relationship field & improve (Black American) relationships. Advise is simple.
All relationship problems come from insecure & needy beta males. Teach men to be more dominant (#FiftyShadesOfGrey swag), eliminate is insecurities, and become more aloof (and knowing how to make his woman orgasm definitely helps), 95% of relationships problems are eliminated or severely decimated.
There is my .02. SSTTE
I think you contradicted yourself. You can’t pretend to be someone else through Game and then somehow be secure. Heck, pretending to be someone else is by definition insecure. What men need to is to deal with their insecurities, then learn how to project that secure mindset through Game. The old patriarchal structure that gave men security is gone. What men in general need to learn how to do is how to secure themselves.
@Todd nah, we just have a confusion to what “be yourself” means.
Be Yourself = Default human man, with insecurities, neediness intact.
Game = A more attractive version of yourself sans, neediness & insecurities. Added charisma, dominant attitude.
It just seems like when you finally do the
GRUNTwork as a man, that you ARE SOMEONE ELSE, but that is not true.There’s just two problems with that. For one, you said this:
If this is true, one has to become something other than who they are. Now this can be changing yourself or putting up a false front. Either way, in your scenario, who a man is at that moment is a dangerous, “toxic” thing in a given culture.
However, your solution is this:
Notice that you don’t mention dealing with insecurities and the source of those needs. Being dominant doesn’t fix insecurities. Dominance in the hands of someone insecure tends to make insecurities worse, not better, because of all the things dominance will have to make up for. Being more aloof is more of the same, since you will have to be more aloof for longer if those underlying insecurities are there. Lastly, you can’t complete eliminate insecurities. What you can do is manage them, acknowledge them and work on them so that they can become strengths. There is no one more insecure as the flawless man or woman. (Which is why game theory argues that “perfect” women are the easiest to game, but that’s another post.)
Work on your insecurities first, then advertise the new and improved you through Game. It’ll work better.
Please teach me how to put your stuff in quotes like you do, my quotes look clean with your HTML tags.
There’s just two problems with that. For one, you said this:
When you can’t be yourself & regular in your city, state, country, province, etc. as a man, the culture is a toxic one, and probably will eat itself over time. I digress.
If this is true, one has to become something other than who they are. Now this can be changing yourself or putting up a false front. Either way, in your scenario, who a man is at that moment is a dangerous, “toxic†thing in a given culture.
Well, how about just adding in behaviors that make you more ATTRACTIVE, and eliminating behaviors that make you UNATTRACTIVE. You are still the same person, just more evolved. Calibration 101
Now, as you are learning GAME, of course it will look sloppy, uncalibrated, & you will at first, look FAKE. But that growing pains, and like any skill, you have to make mistakes.
Notice that you don’t mention dealing with insecurities and the source of those needs.
That sentence is confusion. Please elaborate.
Being dominant doesn’t fix insecurities. Dominance in the hands of someone insecure tends to make insecurities worse, not better, because of all the things dominance will have to make up for.
Understood. But I am talking bare minimum for men. Dominant, insecure to pretty well with women. Don’t confuse dominant behavior with domineering behavior. Not the same.
Being more aloof is more of the same, since you will have to be more aloof for longer if those underlying insecurities are there.
You keep putting up examples, where a man hasn’t become more secure. Work out your insecurities, and become more secure, and it will help with showing aloofness & indifference. What is the problem?
Lastly, you can’t complete eliminate insecurities. What you can do is manage them, acknowledge them and work on them so that they can become strengths.
Maybe you & your friends can’t completely eliminate insecurities, but anyone who desires to be a completely secure in their own skin, CAN. Somebody lied to you. Where did you get your propaganda from?
There is no one more insecure as the flawless man or woman.
Who was promoting being flawless. This looks mighty strawman, if you asked me.
(Which is why game theory argues that “perfect†women are the easiest to game, but that’s another post.)
Can you disclose where are you getting your info from. Please. You are abusing the words “insecure” & “perfect” all throughout your comments.
Work on your insecurities first, then advertise the new and improved you through Game. It’ll work better.
Makes sense. Other than that, I see you need some educating today.
First, to do the formatting, you need to use (blockquote)(/blockquote) around the text. Just replace () with .
To your point though, what I’m saying is that you need to deal with your SELF and your ISSUES first before you deal with anything else or anyone else. If you don’t do that, there’s a real risk of going from one dumb way of coping with life to another dumb way of coping. Just because one is smooth about adopting a new role doesn’t mean they know how to deal with what’s inside them. It just makes one a better actor.
(blockquote)(/blockquote)
Gracias
Dominant, insecure to pretty well with women.
=
Dominant/domineering, but insecure men do pretty well with most women, since most women are not evolved, or when they become more evolved, there beautiful days are largely behind them.
*shots fired!!!!!*
Indeed.
ADONIS!!!!
Oh mi gosh! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! Please elucidate on that point, thanks much!
@African Mami
Hey babe,
You masterful sh*tstarter, which part?
The dominant/domineering part, or the part about immature men & women their s*xual prime.
Well, hello there mista mista!! Please tell me you were not banned on the other site. From time to time you need to come on over and put the sistas in a teezy!! hehehehe
“since most women are not evolved, or when they become more evolved”
What do you mean by this, I have sirens going off!! The word EVOLVE is setting me on fire…….not in a good way oo!!
The problem @AfricanMami is that when women get evolved, then either too old (25+ years old) or been ran through by mad dudes (3+ men).
And older women who should be telling young women what type of men to avoid, (because of their jealousy of young, hot, tight women & male attention they receive), don’t teach chastity largely because they want women to tank their s*xual market value in relation to theirs (the older woman.)
So, again, by the time a woman wises up, she is not worth a serious emotional, financial, marital & familial commitment
25+ is OLD?!
-Is this number only unique to women, or does it include men?! At 25 you are just starting life, for heavens sake.
“So, again, by the time a woman wises up, she is not worth a serious emotional, financial, marital & familial commitment”
-Says, the 24 year old man still learning about life…..mmmmkay!
“And older women who should be telling young women what type of men to avoid, (because of their jealousy of young, hot, tight women & male attention they receive), don’t teach chastity largely because they want women to tank their s*xual market value in relation to theirs (the older woman.”
-?!??!?!??!?!?!??!??!?!??! What the HECK?!?!?!? Where do you get some of these stuff? And for how much!
Adonis, Adonis, Adonis!!
-Your viewpoints are very KRAY MOST of the times! But sometimes, you give thangs to ponder on. Not today, doe!
aaah, I see about @Clutch….
@African Mami
As for Clutch.
1. I need to stay off that site, and let those spinsters stew in their own delusions. Men, collectively, just need shut up & do them.
2. Had a lot of personal offline stuff to handle, can’t get on all the blogs, so I just save my energy for a really interesting topic, on a really decent blog.
SMDH…. I bet Adonis is all of what… 22? LMAO… grow up for God sake.
lol @ Nilla. Right?! Don’t be a bitter dude man. Honestly my ego REALLY wants me to take Adonis on as a project and cure him of his anger, frustration, and inclination to over-analyze (cause I know all about overanalyzing). However my mind is tellin me “hell no, leave it alone! He’s too far gone. Let him figure it out on his own” I wish you the best dude. You got a lot of work to do on yourself bruh. I hope you get it together
Please take me out of moderation. I didn’t say anything outta line, I promise
@Justmetheguy
Whatever helps you sleep at night. Good Day.
I take offense to this.
You’re mature beyond your age TUK.
Adonis needs to ease up. Y’all young bucks will learn when you’re older how much more ‘fun’ being ‘seasoned’ can be. 
@NillaLatte
24, I am a OG now. Good Day.
OG? Bruhahahahah…. hahahaha… hahahaha… omg… I need to introduce you to some fa real fa real OG’s. They the dogs dog kind of dudes. They’d roll at your assertions and then F yo’ girl for you. OMG… you need a reality check bruh. I can’t stop laughing. hahahaha… the younger generation has plenty of jokes.
+1 Nilla
I would actually prefer a man to be the default version of himself who is vulnerable and insecure because there’s a true from the heart, from the soul, need for me. because I would be that way for him. and we would be there for one another in genuine form and able to feel how wonderful it is. the bond we would have. I prefer that over glitzing and glamming. We can do that after the fact.
and I definitely agree with you mating practices in coastal areas, namely cities and huge Metropolitans tend to almost require that “game” version of men. because the females are a certain way and to get them the men have to be a certain way and they have to be greater than the next guy tryna make a play. at the same time though, theres an abundance of women so you really dont need any game whatsoever because women wanna be with a man. its really up to the man who he allows a woman to be with and what he gets out of life because of it.
@chameleonic
As to the first paragraph, your dating history tells me everything I need to know about how to approach you.
As to the second paragraph, YES, when it comes to EASY s*x, men & women get along, but when it comes to long term investment, which women are always trying to some man, somewhere of value, to commit to them, this is where the disenchantment comes from.
FIN
i guess i can see that. a woman who has spent 25+ years partaking in frivolous sex/specializing in attracting those who desire it =/= to those who spend that time evolving into women who are suited for marriage.
at the same time though men should be spending those same 25+ years becoming able to carry a marriage. a man like that I prefer him to be honest about his standing so that I, we can bond. that, I would think, would be a natural man. insecure in that state of being, unsure of the outcome of interacting with the opposite sex. be the matured, developed you, be secure, and be honest in your self towards [me] the woman. men need a wife. dont run game. be truthful about your life and within your life.
This post reads like the perfect springboard for the launch of a possibly forthcoming book entitled “How to Get Into a Relationship with the Right Person”. Have you guys written another amazing, insightful, and awe-inspiring book?
They don’t call it VSB for nothing.
They’d need a better title, Cab. But I do think you’re on to something…
“Have you guys written another amazing, insightful, and awe-inspiring book?”
it’s coming. this will be better than the first, btw
with a shorter title, please! Like, POW!
“Your (and “your†is addressing everyf*ckingbody) relationship didn’t end because of shit that occurred during the relationship. It ended because, well, it never should have began in the first place.”
ChurchTabernacleMosqueTemple!!!!!
Champ, THIS is the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!!!!!!!!!! YES, YES, YES, YES! ….that’s what she said.
“Champ, THIS is the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!!!!!!!!!! YES, YES, YES, YES! ….that’s what she said.”
that actually isn’t what she said. she said five yes’s in a row, not four
http://i.imgur.com/j7yDH.gif
*flips table and kicks down chair*
Why am I in moderation…I am never in moderation. Da hell is this shid!!!
*screaming* MAMI!!!!
((((((hugs Breezy, calm down it’s not Jammy Jams posting))))—->that’s who I blame for slavery!!
this is the realest ish ever written on vsb!! thanks champ!
you’re welcome
LOL all I can say to this is “walking alone takes some faith”(etro anime). I’d rather do that though, than ever enter into another dealing with someone whom I know is not right for me for I’ve paid dearly.
yeah, women stand to lose more by doing this than we do
Let the church say AMEN!!!
Good post Champ. I think you started this week strong. The big problem with your advice is that most people don’t know themselves at all. They go through their personal lives completely blind as to who they are as people. While I do know people fake their way through relationships, it’s often because they don’t have the foggiest clue of who the real person is that they’re representing.
I speak on this because I know of what I speak, especially thanks to a good deal of psychotherapy.
In the past, I had a warped sense of how relationships work. I thought that you just tried to get the best possible deal out of a woman. You do the least possible to make her happy, and she was supposed to make you happy as a result on the same mindset. The problem was that I tended to end up with beautiful women…who, with a few rare exceptions, we emotionally abusive female dogs. While I figured out by my senior year in college that this wasn’t the move, I didn’t know why I had wanted that in the first place. It took a lot of life lessons, as well as more female dogs of varying levels of attractiveness, to figure out why I even thought this was a good idea and to figure out what I truly wanted. As it turns out, I was repeating the script of how my mom deal with me in an emotionally abusive way. Of course, I could go in deeper, but most people have similar issues with that.
I also think tradition is given short shrift when it comes to relationships. I’m not talking about reversing the sexual revolution. However, no one stops to think why all of those rules and traditions were there in the first place, and whether they served legitimate human needs. I think men and women were more secure back in the day because, thanks to limited freedom, they knew their position. Of course, said position my suck, but they could safely get up and know their place in the world. Also, because of said rules and tradition, there was an expectation of having to work with someone to make it work. Wit a lot of the more religious types, I see that they get better marriages because their proscribed roles come with the expectation of having to work together. While I’d end up being an alkie if they try to bring back Ozzie and Harriet, the smart lesson we can pull from that era is that we need to be secure in ourselves and willing to cooperate with others in order for relationships to work.
But nah, screw security. This weed and these drinks have me feeling like Superman. Now lemme hump this bad broad that subconsciously reminds me of my mean mama.
Know thyself, at least up to this point, as it is a life long journey.
Oh, Todd…sometimes I just wanna hug you and your comments.
It’s true though, that until we know who we are and what we want we fall into the same traps set for us by our parents and their parents…
“Also, because of said rules and tradition, there was an expectation of having to work with someone to make it work.”
Yes. I want to say something but this said a lot that need to be said more. *sits back in chair*
The thing is though, Todd, that being yourself really means; be yourself as long as you are very much like everyone else and if you aren’t you had better hide it. And since most people really aren’t like everyone else but pretends to be they have a very hard time knowing who they are and what they really want.
And that nails it. Not only do people not fit in on some level of society, there is usually a strong social drive to fit in on ALL levels. Unless you have a healthy amount of IDGAF, this drive can be incredibly crippling.
“He who does not know his own worth is ruined.” Imam Ali
That was the root cause of your relationship problems (and mine, and mostly everyone’s). Can’t neglect the roots because without them there is no growth. We will be ok!!!
“Where there is ruin there is hope for treasure” —Rumi
live & learn & love & lose & live & learn & ~*~
Ah yes. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on relationship books, including:
The Art of Seduction (so good I bought it twice)
How To Love A Black Man
Why Men Marry B*tches
Think Like A Man
The Rules
While all of those books had some merit–or at least made me LOL–I realized that none of them mattered if I continued through life without taking the time to get to know myself. So, that’s where I am right now–learning about what makes me tick. It’s so fascinating I should….write a book about it!!!! LOL
SN: I am less offended by these relationship books than I am by these stupid pictures everybody keeps posting on FB/Twitter/Instagram. You know: the one with someone frolicking through a field of daisies and quotes like: “Any man would be lucky to have you because you are 100% perfect. Don’t you ever try to grow or evolve, honey–they just better get with the program!”
Go ahead and have a seat. I know the real story!
The Art of Seduction made me look at PEOPLE and their personalities completely different. Most importantly it made me look at myself and my own behavior in a whole new light. The chapter on anti-seducers was an eye-opener because I see them DAILY now and I’ve made it a point to purge all that sh!t from my own behavior. To call that book a classic is a severe understatement. The best part about it is the historical examples and the fact that it’s gender neutral. I swear I could write a d@mn thesis on that book lol
Oh yeah and my sister bought “Why Men Marry B!tches” too. It seemed like a woman’s version of the countless “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” type books (“The Game” etc;). Anyway, I think it’s awesome that you don’t mind seeking insight from books (pride is a foolish drug to abuse). It shows that you’re not a complainer, you’re more like a problem-solver that takes accountability in correcting something you aren’t satisfied with. Self-evaluation and improvement is as productive as it is attractive. I definitely think it takes more than one or two books to fully grasp what you need to improve about yourself. I know it did for me and I couldn’t be more happy with my choice to read up more on the subject of self-improvement. I feel sorry for people who let stigmas dictate their life choices
Spot on about The Art of Seduction. To be honest, it changed my perception of coworkers and supervisors just as much as potential love interests. Seduction is a natural part of life, not just in a romantic sense. That book is eye-opening to say the least. I love that it wasn’t about changing who I was, but being in tune with the tools I already had in my “seduction arsenal.”
I had a BUNCH of friends who refused to read it because it was too long. They just don’t know what they’re missing! LOL
“Seduction is a natural part of life, not just in a romantic sense. That book is eye-opening to say the least. I love that it wasn’t about changing who I was, but being in tune with the tools I already had in my “seduction arsenal.â€
EXACTLY! That’s what makes me chuckle about so many people who make jokes about folks who read self help books. If you’re smart enough to read amazon reviews you’ll find that if you pick the RIGHT books they only coach you on how to be yourself in the most effective/productive way. They also show you what bad habits you’ve picked up over the years and why. Awareness is half the battle usually.
“I had a BUNCH of friends who refused to read it because it was too long. They just don’t know what they’re missing!”
I’m tellin ya! I’d take it a step further and say that people who don’t read PERIOD don’t know what they’re missing (most topics are so detailed, nuanced, and dynamic that living and experiencing at your own pace usually isn’t enough because it takes too long to figure it all out that way). There’s a life-changing/eye-opening book (or 5 or 6) for EVERYONE out there. People just don’t evaluate themselves or their situations enough (or as thoroughly as they should) imo
Relationships are pretty much like aptitude tests, either you got it or you don’t. You can study all you want, cram as much information as possible but it simply comes down to whether you truly understand the material or not. Most (who seek advice in the first place) do not, they spent so much time learning analogies they simply forget basic comprehension. Or they studied enough to find a good dude but there isn’t enough material to know how to keep him around when the honeymoon phase ends
Well considering that roughly 60% of relationship advice is “get the f*ck outta dodge” that means most of the advice is useful and accurate…
And most people know this already, they just want an objective voice to tell them so.
Yup. A few folks nailed it too. Advice only works when you know what you want. Not all advice is for everyone. If you are conscious of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship, than you can choose the right folks [who've been there and done that] to get your advice from.
I’ve done the same when it came to my career change. I sought out people who had the type of business I was looking to run, who took the same path I wanted to take, and [most importantly] shared my values and asked for as much advice as I could. It was invaluable and helped me narrow my focus even further.
Great post.
Cadet, your face looks familiar. Are you from the NYC area?
Hey Asiyah,
Yup, I’m in Harlem! You?
Here’s why most relationhip advice is bullsh*t- at least from my point of view.
Have you ever noticed that the person espousing said advice is rather questionable in their own romantic dealings?
There was a woman on YouTube a few months ago trying to give advice about having a healthy and long lasting relationship. That wouldn’t be such a problem if said woman didn’t have three children by three different men.
Then you have Barbara DeAngelis- a woman who, like her husband, John Gray- wrote some notable books that gave advice on how to make a relationship and/or marriage work. I wouldn’t take issue with anything she wrote if it weren’t for the fact that she was married and divorced five damn times!!!!
And then there’s Michael Baisden- a guy who loves to tell men the right way to treat women, but he’s spent most of his adult life being the real life Marcus Graham (If you know what movie this name refers to, you’re good!).
So the next time someone tries to offer you relationship advice, question and judge them on their past. Your conscience will thank you later…
That’s true. Add Steve Harvey to the list. Most people who give advice do so in some sort of nostalgic fairy tale mode because of their past failed relationships. It’s not based off of experience or research, but wishful thinking and what sounds good and/or right.
BINGO!!!
Too easy, Boomerang.
Playing devils advocate for a minute though, isn’t advice from the thoroughly experienced( both good&bad), given a lil more credence than advice from folk who haven’t traversed those paths or advice from folk in the same position you in?
Here’s the problem: If the bad far outweighs the good, isn’t it a little disingenuous on their behalf to try to tell someone how to make their love life work- especially if that person giving the advice wasn’t able to do it themselves?
Hindsight 20/20? LOL but naw I see exactly what you are saying.
It’s a racket to capitalize off women, black women mostly these days and you have to be wise enough to not fall for common sense packaged as a how to guide.
Alot of folks don’t have common sense though or it’s the self esteem being low that makes for bad judgement or both.
Boomerang, of course!
But I agree. This might come off as bitter, but that’s the thing that really slays about certain women after they get married. Before marriage, they were known for getting low…and not just on the dance floor. After marriage, they turn into this pure, chaste woman who just sat on the couch and read her Bible in her single days…and Mr. Right showed up on her doorstep as angels (and Marvin Gaye) sang in the background.
I have always promised myself that if/when I get married, I’m going to continue to be honest about my struggles in the single life (no, it wasn’t easy and yes, I have made a lot of mistakes). And I’ll also be honest about my marital struggles, though I won’t be broadcasting anything for the entire world to see.
“This might come off as bitter, but that’s the thing that really slays about certain women after they get married. Before marriage, they were known for getting low…and not just on the dance floor. After marriage, they turn into this pure, chaste woman who just sat on the couch and read her Bible in her single days…and Mr. Right showed up on her doorstep as angels (and Marvin Gaye) sang in the background.”
I don’t think this came off as bitter, but as being observant. We all know and have seen many people like this- they’re called born-again Christians, LMAO!!!
And the people of the Lord said…AMEN! LOL
PA BENJAMIN JACKSON and TODD SEINFLED…report to the corner, NOW!!!! What in the world is wrong with ya’ll two?!?!?
Those type of individuals are hypocrite not Christians.
*pulls both PA and Todds ears and drags them to corner*
Thank you for the distinction, Breezy. Not er’body is like that!
And while y’all are in the corner….I’m eating your cupcakes!
*snatches the red velvet cupcakes while K. Marie’s back is turned*
*slaps cupcakes out your hands and gives you a tray of red velvet CHEESECAKE cupcakes to give back to her*
*clothesline PA before he gets the tray of Cheesecake Cupcakes and stomps my foot while pointing to the corner*
Chameleonic: I guess you didn’t see this fool stealing from the collection plate up thread. If he steals from the church, he CAN NOT be trusted to give K. Marie these cupcakes.
WHOA…..what’s this about red velvet cheesecake cupcakes??? I have never experienced what must be a slice of heaven, ’cause it combines two of my favorite desserts!
PA, don’t find yourself mollywhopped for messing with my snacks! LOL
@ Breezy
I saw but I figured, we were in church. vengeance belongs to the Lord and all. but stealing a woman’s cupcakes? naaaaa. and LOL @ the clothesline.
@ K. Marie
girl? I had a red velvet cheesecake one time and I thought I could never ever go back to regular cheesecake or red velvet again. lemme tell you. it. is. SO. delicious.
Now where’s the blowtorch…
Come one, Breezy- I do NOT deserve the corner for that. You know people like that too- don’t act like you don’t!
I agree, PA. Some people are just opportunists and see a way to make a buck. They have no real expertise on the subject of relationships.
Except for being marathon runners in the bad relationship category…
I used to think just like you, PA, until I realized that one should give good advice, regardless of whether or not we follow it. The only problem I have with the Steve Harveys is in their tone and delivery and in their arrogance.
By George, I think he’s got it! Relationship advice is bullshit.com and the more people listen to it, the more confused and jack up they will be in their relationships. If you want to know something about the person your with, ask them. Either they will lie to you or tell you the truth. If you want to know how to deal with a situation in your relationship, talk to them. They’ll tell you what works for them. It’s not that hard. Seeking all of this outside counsel from people who don’t know the dynamics, feelings, emotions, history, DNA makeup, environment, and other complexities of you and the person your with is a waste of time and energy.
i choose to believe all fortune is good, tho it do take some convincing to let go of that fatalistic thinking. but when you open a window to the possibility that you are master of your destiny, you understand everything happens for a purpose. the trick to it is to learn the lesson with grace and dignity. life is nothing if not a grand opportunity for trial and error.
i once heard it said, “never regret anything because at one time that is exactly what you wanted.” i agree. to all the “wrong” men i’ve loved before, for whom i drove myself mad for the purpose of (yes yes y’all), i aint mad atcha. i’m a handful (or two). we all are.
& .. talking about relationships is like talking about politics and religion. dangerous entertainment. i like ~*~
I agree, esa, it’s only after we have enough relationship experiences that we can see the signs before hand that someone is not right for us. Until then we are all subject to making mistakes. And even then new people may not show those signs in a way that we can recognize.
I agree. IMO, all relationships (good/bad, romantic/non-romantic) serve a purpose. My outlook on friendship/relationship is totally different than they were 15yrs, 5yrs, or 1yr ago. The most significant relationships of my life have taught me life lessons. Were they wrong for me? Not at that time because that’s where I was in life (what I attracted). Some people are no longer in my life but I still love them for helping me grow as a person. My present and future relationship/friendships are so much stronger because of lessons learned from those “wrong” relationships/friendships.
-
I still hear harps playing in the background every single time I read one of your posts.
LOL me too! I love her energy.
(giggle)
i hear the flapping of butterfly wings (whut)
mmm thas just a lighter going click
and the spliff going whoosh ~*~
~my chimes and lilies beauty~
Email date, sometime this week!!
yess ~*~ stories, stories
(heart)
I’ve read this blog daily, but never commented. But damn that’s so true!
Note to self: Too many “Jays” on VSB. Switch it up.
bwahahahaha
I have been reading VSB for a while and commenting here and there, but I had to say something today. This is why I keep reading the posts. This was the best analysis of dating and relationships EVER. We just don’t like to admit that we pick the wrong people and then to defend our bad choices we do everything in the world to make a bad choice better as opposed to punching the ticket and doing better with the next choice. Great post.
Yes….http://i.imgur.com/71625.gif
lololololol! Great laugh to get me through the day. Where do you guys get this stuff?!
“We just don’t like to admit that we pick the wrong people and then to defend our bad choices we do everything in the world to make a bad choice better as opposed to punching the ticket and doing better with the next choice. ”
I like to call this being completely honest with yourself. If more people took the time to think with their brain instead of their hearts, that would save them a world of trouble.
Amen Perverted Alchemist. Brain trumps heart.
Sadly, that’s one thing a lot of people will not get until it’s too late.
There are two cases, in which relationship advice is just bull fecal matter waiting to be recycled as energy
-From a crackhead
-From Tyrese on twitter
Relationships are not precise.They do not come with standard manuals of operations like cars. You basically learn as you go. It is my belief that, each and every relationship you’ve gotten into has imparted valuable life lessons that have been essential in wading you through your subsequent relationship(s).
Instead of imbibing and reveling in advice given out by total strangers who do not know jack about the intricacies of your relationship, do yourself a favor and self appoint yourself as your adviser! Your past relationship(s) is/are enough to give you a sense of compass as to what it is you would like to change/add/remove/welcome in the next one. It would also help to have a strong sense of self!
That said, there is some good advice out there, but it would behoove you to call the name of the Lord, [not in vain], and ask of Him to fill you with the Spirit of discernment to sift through the foolishness and gems. For I am here to testify of a market that is willing to take Tyrese’s relationship advice, as being the gospel truth. Now, that’s tragic!
I want to wrap this post around me and lounge in its warmth. I love it!
lol!! you too kray!
“-From a crackhead
-From Tyrese on twitter”
*falls out chair laughing*
Mami, this was wonderful.
thanks girlie!!!!
Well then, how about tips, tricks advice on how to recognize
your saintsthat you’re in a relationship with the right person? That’d be new and…well, not really groundbreaking as I saw that same thing on Yahoo a few days ago but…well…yeah, nevermind >.>Hi ya’ll
~ tips, tricks advice on how to recognize your saints that you’re in a relationship with the right person?
you’re smiling. a lot. small things roll off your back. the big picture is bright and shining. you’re not even sweating the future because you love the moment ~*~
^^Yep that’s it.
Esa: The Diviner of Knowledge, Wisdom & Light.
That whole last paragraph bruh, yeah. Best non-relationship relationship advice anybody could get. The crazy thing is, it works for all aspects of life, not just relationships.
okay so i disagree. like, completely.
well, i disagree about relationships going wrong bc you’re dating the wrong person. nope. you can date the perfect person for you in every way, but time plays a strong factor in these things, in my opinion. i’ve seen people have flourishing relationships with people who they were not compatible with at all, but who had very focused ideas and goals of where they wanted the relationship to go and eventually they found happiness.
i just don’t think it’s as simple as saying oh you’re dating the wrong person. in some cases it’s glaringly obvious. in others… not so much.
also, all relationship advice is bullspit because most of it is given by men and women who often have relationships and personal lives that look like hiroshima.
they really should do a Behind The Blog: Relationship Blogger edition. lmao
wait what.. the point is “”right” person, wrong time”= Wrong person. It’s very simple. don’t make it complicated. And guess what, even the dude who wasnt ‘Ready” for a relationship will tell you they got their ish TOGETHER real quick when they met someone they did not want to lose and made it happen.
nah. bc you could separate from that person and get together 3 years from that point and live happily ever after.
and what about the folks who are married 25 years and then divorce? was that really the wrong person? i just think there are other variables to consider.
not saying 70-80% of breakupss aren’t because of just plain being wrong for each other, just saying there are other reasons too.
” and what about the folks who are married 25 years and then divorce? was that really the wrong person? i just think there are other variables to consider. ”
Most likely they didn’t focus on each other, and focused on the kids. Kids are grown and they don’t know or like each other. And one person wants to change and blames the partner for their not taking care of their own needs during those 25 years. One person has been taking care of their needs all those years through affairs, and their partner is done.
Aaaaand you’ve pretty much explained my parent’s divorce. Of course, that assumes that my parents paid my brother and I much mind (my mom did pretty much just enough not to legally be considered neglectful when not dumping her issues on us), but you got it. It wasn’t until my dad peaced out after we all got grown that my mom even started to look at her issues and what she really wanted for herself. But that’s another story…
” you can date the perfect person for you in every way, but time plays a strong factor in these things, in my opinion. ”
Bullshit, unless person was given X amount of years to live when y’all got into the relationship. Naww I ain’t buying that.
free my comment, please
interesting.
The whole thing about it being the right person but at the wrong time is kinda based on some kind of a faith or some kind of belief that one or both of yal will change and that it will become the right time.
I’ll definitely say that a lot of times we let outside factors influence how we decide what the “right person” is. Like sometimes we don’t care about their credit score or how much money they make, or a bunch of other things, but we’re afraid to take them around our friends cause of what they’ll think. And so we conclude that they’re not the right person.
“We make them difficult, though, because we continue to get into relationships with the wrong people.”
simple and to the point. makes sense.
Amen! You ain’t neva lie, Champ! I am FREE!!!!! Thank you!
Co-%$##!^**!!-sign this post! Simple, precise, to the point.
Ok, I can’t help but take a little credit for this epiphany. I did, in fact write something like this a little while ago. http://wildcougarconfessions.com/?p=1571
It was groundbreaking. I know. LOL.
But here’s the thing. There is no “right” person or “wrong” person. It can be easy in the beginning, middle or end of the relationship. Its GONNA change, no matter what. That, you can count on. Bet on change. I’ve had relationships that started easy. Then things changed, we changed, the economy changed and it got hard. I’m in a relationship that started super hard and is getting easier and easier as we start understanding the other person and being our true selves.
People keep trying to find an answer. A formula. Someone to blame. Someone to call stupid, foolish. A mistake to avoid. A lesson to learn. It doesn’t exist. You don’t have control. There is no right, there is no wrong. There just is.
True but when in human history have people ever been satisfied with things being as they are?
People are always looking for a reason or a way,and I doubt that will ever change. Only a few will get to see the light and let it go, but the sheep will keep following every one else around.
People have to forgive and embrace their humanity.
i agree and disagree
short term relationships of 5 years or less might typically end due to being with the wrong person but i think longer term relationships fail for a lot of other reasons.
lack of effort, growing a part, being different people, wanting different things and comfort in :”normalcy”
but i agree that most of the times relationship advice is bs.
it is based on the givers past experiences and bias, i think its good to hear the perspectives of others but really the only person (s) that can help you make your relaitonship work is you and your partner…
“relationships are supposed to be easy.”
Gesh, how long have I been saying this now? And, you finally decided that I gave the best relationship advice everrrr? Yes, if you are with the right person at the right time for the right reasons, then the relationship should be easy. Not effortless, easy. It just flows. I’ve always advocated that if you are with someone and your relationship feels like work, you’re with the wrong person. Drop all that drama and move on. You only get one shot at this life. There is no reason to be miserable. With as many people as there are in the world, I bet more than a few will compliment just about anyone. Don’t worry, be happy.
But, NIlla, even in ‘easy’ relationships there are going to be ‘work’ periods; times when we have to make a real effort to keep things together. It’s only when we spend more time working than we do enjoying that there’s a problem. Don’t you think?
True, but that’s acquired knowledge that should be known from the beginning. Alot of us have been trained to treat relationships like we treat school work; if it is hard, that means we don’t understand, and we have to try harder to understand.
But that’s not how it is supposed to work. And part of that is the lie we tell ourselves…that we are good people and we can make good things happen. Yea……no we can’t, and no we are not. Not all of the time.
And, another issue… we can’t make shyt ‘happen’ in a relationship. Timing is everything. You can put it out there on the table for the other parties consideration, but there is no guarantee they will feel the same at every stage of the relationship. Folks gon’ think I’m crazy, but the best thing I have found is to just keep doing me. If he wants to be in my life, I will make time and give him a way. But, if he doesn’t, cool, I’m steady more doing me.
At this point, what makes me happy is keeping me happy. All the other stuff will fall into place as long as I focus on me. And, let’s be honest, most men like a woman who doesn’t necessarily need him ALL THE TIME. I have a life and I expect him to have a life. When we are together, then I enjoy and cherish that time.
The guy I’m seeing now, we talk almost everyday, but sometimes we don’t. Great! I have my time to get stuff done and he has his. We focus on our kids, our work, our other friendships, our interests outside of being around one another. When we’re together, 100% of our focus is on being a good friend and companion. Physical intimacy aside, if you aren’t a best friend to your lover, what are you?
” the best thing I have found is to just keep doing me. If he wants to be in my life, I will make time and give him a way. But, if he doesn’t, cool, I’m steady more doing me.”
Amen, Nilla, amen to this and everything you said in the same entry! Yep!
There may be periods of misunderstandings. Those are not necessarily ‘work’ problems. That is a communication problem.
Relationships are really this simple: either both of you want to be there in the relationship at the same time and have the same understanding of what you want or you don’t. If one of the parties does not want to be in a relationship with the other, but the other is still clinging onto threads, THEN it becomes work for the party that doesn’t want to let go.
Look at it this way, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
Always having to work at things is for boring dull people who don’t want to come out and say what it is they need for the relationship to be easy. “Work at it” is code for “I won’t get what I want. And I have to kiss my partner’s azz to avoid a war while I’m still not getting what I want.”
Why should it be “work” to give your partner exactly what he/she needs/wants?
“Why should it be “work†to give your partner exactly what he/she needs/wants?”
Amen right back at chu. Exactly. Ask for what you want. If they can give that to you, great! If not, then you won’t be happy. On to the next one.
I think there is an element of “work” to purposeful trying to make someone’s else day more joyful. Some people inspire you to put in said work such that it doesn’t feel like a chore- but it may be simply doing things you aren’t naturally inclined to do. Changing- (really listening, giving a hug, being affectionate, engaging more, etc.)- may be allowing yourself to grow, get better, love better. Usually getting better takes some effort.
totally agree
I agree, and I think I have two reasons as to why it’s all bullshyte.
a) Most relationship advice is centered around two people, when in reality, relationship advice is supposed to be self-help advice. You can’t commit to caring about another person when you can’t do the same for yourself. We all live our lives in delusion, always thinking we know the truth about ourselves when in reality, we only know what we want to be, and not who we really are. Very few people do the work to get their shyte together, so then it’s no surprise than another person will take issue with us. “In order for there to be a WE, first I’ve got to change ME” – my own quote.
b) The other problem is relationship advice is generic. It speaks to basic rules for all to apply to but if everyone is an individual, then how can all of the information be the same? It has to be tailor fitted for your relationship. No two are alike. Even if you date two people who are so damn similiar, they could be twins, the point is you had different experiences with them.
I got a question for all of you though. If you had to look back on your relationships, both good and bad….how many of you can honestly say you were responsibile for at least 50% of all the problems?
There is his side, her side and the truth. And the truth is probably not 50/50, because life isn’t fair.
Might not be, but I tell myself that in life, in any problem that I have, I am liable for at least 50%. Only because while it gets hard to tell what the true cause of many problems are, there’s a good chance I may have had a hand in causing it, or letting it get out of control.
You’re right, there are 3 sides to a story but the only person you can ever take responsibility for is yourself, and many people have a hard time learning that lesson.
Might not be, but I tell myself that in life, in any problem that I have, I am liable for at least 50%. Only because while it gets hard to tell what the true cause of many problems are, there’s a good chance I may have had a hand in causing it, or letting it get out of control.
You’re right, there are 3 sides to a story but the only person you can ever take responsibility for is yourself, and many people have a hard time learning that lesson.
Keeping it 100, sometimes it’s not even about a 50/50 split, or close to it. Sometimes life provides and forecloses on opportunities. I’ve noticed in my own life that things have happened to me or someone else that caused drama in relationships that realistically weren’t in the control of anyone in the relationship. That doesn’t absolve the BS that I’ve done or anyone else has done, but it does make life complicated.
Believe it or not, sh1t does happen.
I get that part, shyte happens. That’s just life and how it goes. But still we have a hand in the way we deal with situations. Even if you’re not prepared for something, at some point it is on your shoulders when questioning what to do next. All my life, I’ve always heard people blaming everyone and everything under the sun except themselves, and you said it yourself, the constant in all situations is you. People never see that though.
ima say i am responsible for 100%. considering i picked honey in the first place. and in my history, all of them have been trouble, from the get. some like it hot. xoxo.
Well I’ll be damned. I like that.
“It has to be tailor fitted for your relationship. No two are alike.”
Ehh, I suppose. But if someone is treating you worse than one would a dog, you should probably leave. I think there are some basic tenets of self-preservation that get ignored frequently.
While this is true, a simple goal could be to figure out why they are treating you like such crap. Anyone can tell you to leave, but few people would ask of you to investigate and get to the bottom of the issue.
I guess it depends on the person. I don’t know, it’s easy to just say leave, but I like to have all the facts before I make certain decisions.
One more thing: I always try to be wary about taking relationship advice from men/women I either do not what to be like or be with. That’s why I roll my eyes at the Steve Harvey’s of the world. Who looks up and wants to be the type/caliber of a man Steve Harvey is? Conversely, who wants to date the type/caliber of man Steve Harvey is?
All his ex-wives wanted to at one point. And his current wife did. Apparently they liked his kool-aide at point. And I am sure there are more women standing in the wings should he divorce Marjorie.
People are beyond weird.
I wish someone would find a whole stadium of seats for Steve Harvey. Who are these people who love him so much that he was given so much air time? I am really starting to hate that man. My only hope is that tv caught the tail end of of a trend that has already fizzled out and they forgot to check black Twitter so they would know. Please don’t let this man still be seen as a guru in the second decade of this millennium.
Off the subject: Psy says dress classy, dance cheesy. Gangnam Style!
Gangnam style is that hot shyte.
Gangnam style apparently includes wearing tuxedos while chilling out on carousels, weird dances and marveling at the wonders of a flat Korean booty. The evil part of me wants me to introduce him to Cherokee D’A$$ and watch him go into apoplexy.
Quit hating
That’s because they’ve taken cues from the British and concentrated more on boobs. Great Korean Boobs.
That’s because they’ve taken cues from the British and concentrated more on boobs. Great Korean Boobs.
People in a relationship with the WRONG person are some of the most hard-headed people ever.
If the bad relationship was a house on fire, they’d go down in flames while hugging the house and screaming “NO!” @ the firemen to the rescue.
Speaking of advice, have you seen the Black Weblog Awards nominations for “Best Blog”? Is today’s blog entry as good as those folks’ blog are alleged to be?
http://www.blackweblogawards.com/blog/2012/9/12/black-weblog-award-nominee-best-writing-in-a-blog.html
well i for one would say that the Sliding Doors series authored by this fabulous woman i know that is nominated is definitely worthy. all the rest of those ninjas, idk. lol
Oh, wow! Great to see our very own VSS on the nomination list, MUZE! Gerr it girl. And I am SOOOOOOOO bookmarking your blog!! For you set the tone with this opening line “His heavy locs…”!!
-Revolutionary Paideia-was one of my very first loves! The writing is splendicious, and INSPIRING!
AWE, hey girrrrlfriend!!
“People in a relationship with the WRONG person are some of the most hard-headed people ever.”
You ain’t know? Good sex trumps bad decisions and behaviors- just ask Rita Maley *snickers*.
*Marley
oh mi gosh! That’s not why she stayed.. Jesus!
Rita stayed because she wanted to or thought she was apart of the greater good…assisting with spreading Marley’s seed.
She is a better woman then me cause that nicca woulda know who shot the sheriff…ME!!!
“Speaking of advice, have you seen the Black Weblog Awards nominations for “Best Blogâ€? Is today’s blog entry as good as those folks’ blog are alleged to be?”
We won that award three years in a row. I don’t think we qualify anymore.
The best relationship advice comes from Hip Hop and R&B songs, and if it doesn’t work, you were listening to the wrong song.
Especially if said songs just happened to be written and performed by Phonte…
GOLD FAWKING STAR!
Phonte just keeps it 100%. Real love is going to sound complicated as you get your shyte together, not some fairy tale crap.
Co-sign. As a woman, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about the male point of view by listening to Phonte/Foreign Exchange.
I advise you to go see Foreign Exchange live one day. I haven’t gone to many music shows in my lifetime but damnit the two FE shows I went to were the best I could ask for.
I saw them live last year in VA. Greatest. Show. Ever. If I can help it, they won’t come to my city, or near my city, and I don’t see them.
I was sharing this post with a friend earlier which started a bit of an argument. My position on this was that the idea that relationships work fine but the people in them are wrong for each other is slightly flawed because it isn’t the beginning to the problem. Here’s what I mean. I can agree most of the dating advice, and all of the people profiting off giving it to you aren’t really trying to fix you because that would cut into future profits. But we cannot ignore the difference in modern society and how we socialize with each other when determining a good or bad relationship. Maybe if this blog post, and indeed the idea behind it as well as many of the comments here were going on in a post sexual revolution era American like the 1970′s it would make sense to just say hey don’t keep it going with that guy or that girl, you clearly can tell they aren’t who you should be with. maybe that would have saved a lot of the problems we have now. But that didn’t happen.
In the version of society we live in now, the clock is sped up in the initial meeting and attraction stage because of technology, but isn’t when it comes to the actual time you spend with someone. Now I’m not gonna start suggest 2 dates and then you marry someone but if we were being astonishingly and annoyingly logical that would make sense. No what I’m saying is that you don’t have the physical pace at the beginning of a relationship to truly see the kind of person you’re with. And once you do, its those natural urges to fix rather than flee that take over. But that isn’t a bad thing. Some people make bad decisions with who they chose to share their life with. But for every bad partner there are likely more good ones who you did call it quits early with because they weren’t so fiery and passionately for you that your brain came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going the speed you wanted. Essentially, that now we’ve taken the position that fleeing the slow and older pace to relationships is preferable to fixing the shitty and microwave pace we have now. And its that flip that is the flaw here. Even if we always picked the right kind of person to date and later attempt to wed, we’ve gotten it all backwards at the very base idea of a relationship that we keep screwing up. Unless you get one in a million lucky in which case you didn’t need me to tell you that.
TL:DR The problem isn’t always that you’re picking the wrong person in today’s society. It is that you desire the wrong relationship in general which leads you to stay with the wrong one, and leave the right one.
I like your logic. Taking your time with someone seriously does feel like a pain in the ass for a lot of people, but that person that comes in with a whirlwind of crazy keeps people on their toes and makes time go by so quickly. We end up not seeing the details as we should.
Plenty of relationship advice is valid. One just has to be careful of who and where to get the advice from. Sometimes the good advice comes from within in the form of instinct or good ole’ common sense. Other times, good avice may come from someone outside of the relationship who is unbiased and may be able to provide an alternative perspective that can often lend clarity to the situation.
Advice are the tools of life. Not every tool is appropriate for every situation. In other words, you wouldnt reach for a wrench to drive a nail into wall. And you certainly wouldnt use the palm of your hand. Instead, a hammer would best serve the purposes for that situation. But that hammer cannot work alone, as it still requires your hand to wield it, and your eyesight for it to land exactly where it needs to hit. So while it is okay to seek althernatives outside of one’s self to provide options on how to approach and resolve a dilemma, it would be wise not to abandon common sense and good judgment in the process. Common sense and good judgment in this case, are your hands and eyes.
Simply choose your tools wisely.
Common sense & good judgement are like cable packages; you’d think they’d come bundled together for a decent price but find most people either have one, the other, or none of the above. That’s why relationship advice sucks for so many people, because they aren’t getting it for the right reason or what they are asking for, they are not ready to use.
Well again, it is the recipient that is the problem, not necessarily the advice given. Its the recipients inability to incorporate good sense and applicability of said advice to their specific situation/need. The inability to effectively make use of the advie doesnt make the advice bad.
Its the people that suck.
I have no idea what anybody else said in response. What I have to say is that this entry into the annals of VSB is the same as what it decries: Relationship advice.
Simply put, relationship advice isn’t meant merely for intimate partnering but as a comprehensive means to explain the difficulties that we all face on a daily basis. The first thing that anybody seeking to improve relationships needs to understand before getting involved is that people improve in relationships. Why? Several reasons. Endless reasons.
I suppose my little voice, weighing in after the conversation has been had may fall on deaf ears, yet, I see purpose in expressing that too easily, this perspective dismisses the humanity involved. Nobody will ever be “right” for you. Get your struggling on…it’s a part of being human.
No diss Champ. I simply believe you got it incorrect this time around. Oh, yeah, Iyanla Vizant is the….she’s just great. Unbelievably.
Daily basis… all relationships… true. Sorry can’t say much more. Headed to the airport to get my flight on. Muwah Sagey. <3
This post is mostly true, but I think that all relationships take some level of “work.” “Work” primarily means “compromise,” which isn’t really natural for anyone, which is why we call it work. I think the problem that a lot of people run into is drawing a line between “compromise” and “change.” You should have to compromise to make a relationship work. You shouldn’t have to change who you are (or ask the other person to change who they are) in order for it to work. I think those are the relationships that this post is about.
*shrugs* But what do I know? I’ve been single for the better part of the last decade.
I completely agree with you on this…today
this post is PERFECT TIMING!!!!!! It’s soooo true, all relationship advice is bs. This will not stop me from reading it & coming to this site on a daily basis though.
I remember in highschool, I didn’t care so much about what a guy looked like/ or what he had- I was more focused on the type of person he was & how we connect- that’s what really matters.
Lol…Sounds like Relationship advice.
Tell em why you mad, son!
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In India there are 60 to 80 % people get married only once in a life. i think this ratio is more in all other countries without Muslim countries. Now this is only due to the reliance and understanding and some let go nature between couples.
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I totally agree.