Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Why All Relationship Advice Is Bullsh*t

I have a confession to make. Everything we have ever said about relationships — the rules and regulations, the mores, the laws, the lists, the 21st century updates, the theories about the cookie, when to give up the cookies, how to bake the cookies, and how to eat cookies if you’re dealing with a severe case of acid reflux — is bullshit. All of it. Everything we’ve ever said is full of shit. Shitty shit shit shit shit.

And, by “we” I’m not just referring to VSB. No, this applies to every single bit of dating and relationship advice you’ve received from any and every one from Tyler Perry to the toothless boosters selling ironing boards outside of your nephew’s barbershop.

Shit, when it comes to relationships, even our book — as amazing, insightful, and awe-inspiring as it happens to be (Seriously. Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night is the shit.) — is about as useless as an anus on your elbow.

Now, I realize what I’m saying isn’t necessarily new. You don’t have to go very far to hear someone argue that relationship advice is ultimately meaningless because the dynamics present in each relationship are too variable, too nuanced to be addressed and “solved” by some arbitrary advice. And, well, you also have people who argue that most “relationship experts” are charlatan chickenhawks seeking profit by offering answers to unanswerable questions.

But, while I agree with the valuelessness of relationship advice, I disagree with the reasoning for their conclusions. It’s not useless because the advice is usually wrong. It’s useless because, well, we’re looking at it backwards.

While romantic relationships are often thought of as these mindlessly complex labyrinths where cheat codes and color-coded maps are necessary in order to even have a chance of making it through, relationships are supposed to be easy. Not easier than we currently think they are, but f*cking easy. Easy like Sunday morning. Easier than paper Deltas. So easy that any advice about them should be obsolete.

We make them difficult, though, because we continue to get into relationships with the wrong people.

That is it. There’s no deep discovery. No byzantine secret. 99.999% of the problems that exist in our relationships occur because we allow sexual impulsivity, horniness, peer pressure, cold weather, boredom, loneliness, bills, biological clocks, Beyonce, beer goggles, work goggles, internet goggles, availability, and convenience to convince ourselves to enter relationships with people who just aren’t right for us. And, to add insult to injury, not only are they not right for us, we know they’re not right and still go through with it. Your (and “your” is addressing everyf*ckingbody) relationship didn’t end because of shit that occurred during the relationship. It ended because, well, it never should have began in the first place.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.twitter.com/pleasefeedthedj ChaoticDiva

    I will say this article’s more-than-perfect timing in my cryptic personal life has more-than-made-up for your murse.

    Thank you, I really needed this. Now to go bang my head against a wall after finishing off this bottle of wine.

    • http://dopereads.com Terryn

      *Yell laughs at the murse reference*

      :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      #respectthemurse

      • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 fiveisthenumber

        By Jove, I think you’ve got it!

  • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

    A-MUTHAPHUCKEN-MEN!!!!!!!
    *kicks mic stand

    (still love the blog and the book and PCB doe).

    • Adonis

      @Keisha Brown

      PCB sounds like PCP.

      VSB should have a lemonade stand featuring lemonade, their signature book, & PCP.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        Now, THAT is something I’d love to see, LOL!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “VSB should have a lemonade stand featuring lemonade, their signature book, & PCP.”

        that’s our promo for the next book. each one you buy will come with a packet of country time pink lemonade laced with PCP

        • Rewind

          Also put on it, a lifetime guarantee of never needing Steve Harvey advice ever again.

  • http://BlackLatinaFabulous.wordpress.com Maris

    Well then. Carry on…

    • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

      Showing love to a fellow Blatin@!

      • http://BlackLatinaFabulous.wordpress.com Maris

        Dale.

        • Yoles

          Y yo tambien… bienvinedos!!!!!!

          • http://twitter.com/kjnetic Sith King Jordan

            zeeeeen

            uhm, i mean si.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            get a room

        • Asiyah

          Dale, don, dale.

      • Lola’s Mambo

        WWWWEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

  • chameleonic

    now lets all take this and renounce everything we ever knew and start a fresh, clean life.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i…agree

  • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

    I get what you’re saying but, it isn’t always clear that someone is not right. People oft times don’t show their true selves until after a relationship begins. So many times we have been led to believe that said person is right for us by someone who is adept at figuring out what one wants and then acting accordingly.

    It’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade that we find out that they indeed are not right for us.

    I think this happens a lot.

    • http://twitter.com/sylquesaid fixedwater

      Maybe, but more often folks try forcing relationships that should have never been.
      Think about how sending your representatives instead of being yourself delays the inevitable.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Many do try to force the relationship once they already have time invested. My point was that we don’t always have all of the information we need in the beginnings of a relationship to make a proper choice due to people not showing who they really are.

        • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

          Actually Val you do have all the information in the beginning of a relationship. You jsut have to listen first before you let you needs get fulfilled.

          • Demondog06

            Yeah Val,
            We let our needs and desires cloud what is usually right under our nose.
            We become guilty of not trusting our instincts. Which rarely will lead us astray

            On the flip side ( and I am guilty of this) we let our own hang ups and insecurities cause us to miss out on something potentially great.

            • nillalatte

              “we let our own hang ups and insecurities cause us to miss out on something potentially great.”

              Guilty as well.

            • Rewind

              Guilty as charged

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            @Tentpole

            I think lots of people do not show who they really are until after a commitment has been made. We can’t see what we can’t see.

            • nillalatte

              Yay! Now I know why I can’t commit! :D

            • Rewind

              Actually people do show it. They act too good. Think about it. Everybody has a good days and bad days. But that person you just started dating does nothing but show you their good side. That’s impossible when life is crazy. That means they are putting effort into hiding the bad stuff from you. We see the good stuff and eat it up like fat kids at Krispy Kremes instead of questioning why we only see the good.

              • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

                But, Rewind, we are taught to show our good side when we are meeting someone, Right? It’s like a job interview, you put your best face forward. That’s why dating is so hard. When is it just normal putting your best face forward and when is it actually being deceptive?

                • Rewind

                  Ok Val, good point, but what about the second date, or the third date? If I ask you about your day, and everyday is great, yet 200 people got laid off at your job…clearly you’re hiding something. If your mom is sick butyou’re putting on a good show for the 3rd date, then what the hell is going on? Things are never what they appear to be, that’s what I’ve learned from my dating life.

                  • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

                    Yep, Rewind, and that’s why it’s important to go slow in relationships. Time reveals all things but if one isn’t willing to wait then there are going to be some big surprises after a commitment has been made. And let’s face it, sometimes loneliness makes our choices for us and that’s when the problems start.

                    • Rewind

                      That’s why people need to get their shyte together, because loneliness should never be a factor in who you’re dating but ehh..nobody is perfect.

                    • Rewind

                      That’s why people need to get their shyte together, because loneliness should never be a factor in who you’re dating but ehh..nobody is perfect.

              • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

                Sometimes it just takes time to learn how they react to situations. Maybe they’re somebody that’s just always chill (always). And for some people thats cool, some people find it relaxing, but if something major happens like a family member dies and they show no emotion, it may be something like this person might be a psycho.

                Or they could be doing some “Serenity Now” anger management type thing where one day you forget to close the microwave and they just explode and bring up 6 months worth of things you’ve done wrong. Never know how they’ll act until they’ve done it. Unless you want to just assume that your next will be like your last, in which case, what’s the point of dating?

                • Rewind

                  That stuff I get, tha’ts basic psychology, but the stuff I’m talking about is simply what you can see off the back. Yea it takes time to get to know people, but it doesn’t take a lot of time to ask why things are always good and hardly ever bad.

                  • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

                    See, I think about this and all I can think of is people who literally try to start a fight over nothing just to …..I don’t know….. I guess to see what its like to have a fight, or what its like to make up later…

                    • Rewind

                      The people who like to cross line sjust to see how far they can go huh…yup I know exactly what you mean

        • Lola’s Mambo

          See, I agree with Val. I’m thinking from the context of meeting someone in a big city in a neutral place. An exchange happens and if there’s chemistry you decide to go out and explore where things will lead. In this scenario, you weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship/someone to lay/or something to help you figure out your baggage… you were just going about your business. I don’t think it would be possible to gauge that THIS is not the relationship is not right for you (assuming the person asking you out is coming at you correct).

          • Lola’s Mambo

            ***that this relationship is NOT right for you…***

          • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

            See, I agree with Val. I’m thinking from the context of meeting someone in a big city in a neutral place. An exchange happens and if there’s chemistry you decide to go out and explore where things will lead. In this scenario, you weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship/someone to lay/or something to help you figure out your baggage… you were just going about your business. I don’t think it would be possible to gauge that THIS is not the relationship is not right for you (assuming the person asking you out is coming at you correct).

            but heres the thing, when you meet someone you are not in a relationship. there is a period before you decide to begin a full fledged relationship;when you are getting to know each other and the truth is a lot of times we see the signs and willfully choose to ignore them or think that we can change them or we rationalize why the issue isnt that big a of a deal.

            • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

              @Shay – d-lady

              True, sometime people ignore the signs. But sometimes we don’t even recognize any signs, especially when we’re young. It’s only upon having been through something before that we can see those signs. And other times people hide who they really are. And those people can be really, really good at it.

              • Rewind

                When we are young, sure we will make mistakes because there is no guide book to use. However, after a few failures, we have to get our shyte together. There’s no excuse other than being dense after a while.

              • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

                and some people just talk a good game.

                One of my old bosses did this and got a job way up the line despite having no experience. He just knew how to play the game.

            • Lola’s Mambo

              @ Shay-d-lady: That’s very true. You’re not in a relationship when you first meet someone… And you are absolutely right: this is the stage where you make an assessment on whether you want to be with this person based on the signs they are projecting. Sometimes you learn right away that this person is a MESS and you get out of dodge. Other times you don’t and proceed to the relationship where you then learn about the person being crazy and THEN get out of dodge.

              I guess my point is that while in the dating game, sometimes we receive signs, sometimes we don’t, and other times we see some minor signs that we are willing to see manifest. I am not quick to dismiss people on small perceived flaws. No one is perfect. Meeting a girl with 3 baby daddies is one thing, but what if you meet a guy who is a little self-depracating and that raises a red flag in your mind? Is he worth dismissing off the bat?

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            @LM

            Yeah, the way we live now makes it really hard. Back in the day someone you knew likely knew the person you were interested in, so you could get some inside info. Now, especially if one lives in a metro area, you are totally on your own. And I really don’t think that’s something that we humans have evolved to deal with yet. We need people around us to help us make choices, IMO.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Amen! Unless I was a CIA operative, I wouldn’t have been able to uncover 90% of my wife’s issues, and I can safely say it’s true for a lot of relationships. On the flip side, if everyone you run into has the same baggage, maybe you need to go to school on yourself. After all, you are the common factor in all of your relationships.

      • Omar

        “Amen! Unless I was a CIA operative, I wouldn’t have been able to uncover 90% of my wife’s issues, and I can safely say it’s true for a lot of relationships.”

        Yeah, pretty much… It’s kind of hard to know a lot of things about a person until you live with them.

        • Marshal

          And yet, Cohabitation BEFORE Marriage is frowned upon…….

          • Ms. Bridget

            It supposedly doesn’t improve the chances of marriage, or the probability that the couple will not divorce.

            • Marshal

              Supposedly…… I want to KNOW who I have the thoughts/intentions of marrying BEFORE I do, Leaping to Faith isn’t Always the Smart Thing to Do- a Tank full of Disappointment comes if people Choose Wrong

      • http://www.mtonita.wordpress.com Toni

        Word Todd! We have to know who we are and be real with the ones we’re in a relationship with from the start. And some people are so afraid to be hurt that they sabotage a good relationship and continue to do it again and again. It takes self love and forgiveness to sustain. Just my two cents

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        “On the flip side, if everyone you run into has the same baggage, maybe you need to go to school on yourself. After all, you are the common factor in all of your relationships.”

        The realest sh*t ever said!

        By the way, this reminded me of an old joke that was said by Corey Holcomb. He said to a female friend who was complaining about men:

        “If you’re saying all men are dogs and you’re in your 30′s…it’s you baby….” (LMAO!!!!)

        • Ms. Bridget

          Funny. I heard one that says, “If all the men you meet are dogs, you must be advertising dog food”. Ouch!

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

            Can you say “Below the belt”? LMAO!

          • Brother Mouzone

            Damn!

          • Justmetheguy

            Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh!t! That one’s officially stolen lolol

            I think the reason that happens is because not enough ppl are even aware that they are advertising or that they should be.

          • nillalatte

            Ha! Well, girlfriend, I was the best dog food on the market then! lmao! No off brands here, pure organic. ;) LOL

          • Rewind

            I found this picture with Ted from the movie Ted.

            It said. ” You say all men are dogs. Well who told you to fawk them all? HO!”.

            They needed to resuscitate me 3 times after that.

        • http://tinawatkins.com Tina Watkins

          “Valuelessness.” Yes. :) Good post.

          Katt Williams said something along the lines of… What you mean to say is, the n— YOU f— with ain’t sh–. You need to figure out what it is about yo’ p—– that keep attractin’ ain’t sh– n—-.

          Dang. The thrill is gone.
          Anyway.

          I agree with the post, and when it comes to making sure you don’t start something with the wrong someone, I think you have to make sure it isn’t about them being your future love nugget. Self-fulfailing prophesy.

          Something else has to bring and keep y’all together in my opinion. No two people on Earth can keep each other enthralled for a lifetime alone in a room together. There’s got to be more.

          • Hawaii

            “…and when it comes to making sure you don’t start something with the wrong someone, I think you have to make sure it isn’t about them being your future love nugget. Self-fulfailing prophesy.”

            Word.
            This is a message many women need to be aware of and live by.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        That’s exactly what I’m saying, Todd. Some people hide who they really are on purpose and other people are genuinely trying to be who they project but it just doesn’t last. Either way it’s impossible to know who you are really dealing with until the right amount of time passes.

        • nillalatte

          I would take that one step further. You never know what a person is capable of doing or becoming. The real challenge is you meet someone and do not understand the subtle signs of mental illness, nor could those signs be present when you meet that person. They can, however, present at a later time in life when you are already neck deep in a relationship, maybe even marriage.

          If that happens you literally have two choices: stay with them and try to deal with it or cut your losses and walk away. Hopefully, the majority of the relationships that people get in do not involve someone with a true mental illness and they just have a ‘different’ value system. Either way, be happy. Learn to walk away and take care of you. Seriously.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            I feel ya nilla. You know how people who have served in combat zones say that people who haven’t been there can’t really understand what it’s like, right? Well, when it comes to mental illness, even if I sit down and tell you, you won’t really understand. My support group helps with this, because at least these are people who by chance or choice ended up in the same boat.

            I wish I could project how much the rest of you people are lucky to have dodged that bullet. You’ll never know what you’ve missed.

            • nillalatte

              @Todd, I was married to a psychopath. Okay, he refused to be professionally evaluated, but I KNOW what he was. I spent 14yrs observing his behavior. When you put everything into perspective, it’s hard to accept you were nothing more than a pawn in their mental escapade.

              Don’t even get me started on how he used our kids. My son just recently started having more contact with him until I noticed a marked change in his behavior, not good either. I had to block him from being able to text our son. The courts will never understand the poison these people exude. But, God help me, so long as I am alive and able, I will intervene regardless of what a damn lawyer-judge says. Okay, I’m getting a little cat like now… off this topic now.

          • Asiyah

            I suffer from depression and I don’t hide that. Then again, depression is one of those illnesses that are easier to spot than others…which is good because it makes it easier to treat. Not easy at all, but compared to other illnesses, much easier to treat.

            • nillalatte

              Depression is more common than many people think. It’s when you move to the more serious categories for example being a psycho or sociopath that other problems seem to present over time .

              A truly serious mental disorder is like being in a carnival. One day you’re in the fun house where things are distorted by mirrors, the next day you might be on the merry go round wondering how to jump the hell off, yet another day you might be on the roller coaster going up and down at phenomenal speeds and doing loops. Trust… this is not the life.

              • Asiyah

                I have been blessed with being able to spot psychos from a mile away. I steer clear. I credit that to being attentive and having a psych degree. Not everyone is so lucky. It could also be that those psychos aren’t trying to impress me so they don’t hide their traits from me.

                • Rewind

                  The thing about depression is learning when to let the other person in on your secret. That shyte is hard but it must be done. I think my depression mixed with my ex’s depression is what made our relationship such a fawking mess, nobody wanted to take respoinsbility. Yea we can spot psychos, but depression lets you know that perhaps you are a psycho in waiting if you can’t learn to deal with whatever emotional problem is holding you back.

            • chameleonic

              I’m not so sure depression is something that is treated I think depression is you knowing within yourself something is just not smoothing in your life with you and you’re genuinely unhappy with some or all of your life. I think depression is the result of knowing yourself and having to work through those miserable parts. I don’t think it’s treated I think treatment tries to make you not feel it but if you’re depressed about your life you’re just depressed. Depression is an alert system that tells you it’s time for a change and it’s up to you to do the introspective work to heal yourself. then I imagine you get happier and happier and happier. Work of person.

              • Asiyah

                I think it’s treatable in the sense that one can overcome it one day. How you do it differs case by case. But personality disorders are really different. Fortunately I have ADHD and depression, and I can see a light at the end of the dark tunnel, but sociopaths and narcissists might not see said light because they might not even think they are in the dark in the first place.

              • Kema

                Some people get depressed over situations or their lives. But many people can have everything going great for them and still feel depressed. Thats when its time to get treated. Depression is definitely something you should treat. Whether its with therapy or meds.

                • chameleonic

                  but I’m saying, if you’re depressed over a situation in your life or just the way life is in general for you or whatever, medication doesn’t make that situation go away. therapy doesn’t make it go away either. the situation is still there and you still feel depressed about it. so do what you must to heal that situation or make it something you’re happy with. but I guess it is true that some people who [seemingly] have everything are still depressed.

                  • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

                    I absolutely agree with you. Fortunately, because the stigma of depression is slowly going away, more people can identify the symptoms and decide what they should do to help themselves. It’s slow, but it’s happening.

      • Rewind

        I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think you needed to wait until she was your wife to find out she had issues. I think off the back, her need to impress you was the factor that should raise eyebrows, as it should for any of us, because we never question why we go out of our why to create a good impression on another person when clearly we can’t keep up that kind of lifestyle.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        That’s interesting, Todd. People that suffer from mental illness really have a hard way to go with relationships. How much to reveal and when? I can’t imagine how scary that must be. Kudos to you for hanging in there. :-)

        • Asiyah

          Yeah Val, that’s pretty much why I have never been in a serious, monogamous, non-open relationship in my life. But what Todd’s wife has is a bit worst than mental illness and that’s what makes it so difficult for him. Personality disorders are harder than mental or emotional disorders. Hang in there, Todd!!!

    • Lola’s Mambo

      I agree with you, Val. Not all relationships are forced. Sometimes people can have genuine chemistry at the beginning and choose to explore where the relationship will go. I don’t think it’s as simple as YOU KNEW S/HE WAS WRONG FOR YOU, BUT YOU WENT AHEAD WITH THE RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Exactly@LM

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “It’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade that we find out that they indeed are not right for us.

      I think this happens a lot.’

      I actually agree. it does happen alot. finding the right person for you is perhaps the most difficult thing anyone will ever do, which is why most people never do it.

    • nillalatte

      “it’s only after some time passes and that person can no longer keep up the charade”

      The use of the word ‘charade’ triggers what is known as psycho pathological disorder. If a person is not being their true self, then there is something wrong in their brain. Trust when I say, you are better off without this person in you life.

      • Rewind

        Yea but Nilla, everybody on every site that ever talked about relationships alway says the same thing “I didn’t meet the real person, I met their representative”.

        That’s basically no different than meeting a split personality of someone who has schizophrenia first before actually meeting the host personality. Only difference is people actually put effort into showing this side, where being schizo is involuntary.

        • nillalatte

          There are stages to relationships just as in grieving for example. The ‘honeymoon’ stage is where everyone is on guard and best behaviors. What most folks have to learn is to let those feelings of “wow, he/she is the most awesome person in the world” i.e. honeymoon stage pass and get back to reality. They eventually do get past that stage and that’s when you determine if your relationship is viable long term.

          • Rewind

            True. People need to learn how to stop hyping others up and putting them on pedestals. No person is that great.

    • Just for Today

      Sooooo, the key is to find a relationship book or advice that helps you FIND and STAY with the right one? Based on my observations, mostly at work, folks don’t tend to reveal their true selves for about two years. Maybe that is Rule#1 for me; date for at least 24 months and try to place them in all types and situations to see how they act/react. Then BELIEVE that this is REALLY them and act accordingly.

  • lizp

    lets make sure to pass around the offering plate…as we have received a word here today saints…

    • chameleonic

      *adds .02 cents to the collection plate*

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      *puts a dollar in the collection plate*

    • Keisha

      *puts a $5 bill in the collection plate with a note that says, “I need change.”

      • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com K. Marie

        BOL!!!!! I think I actually did this once. Lord, forgive me.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      *takes collection plate and runs like hell*

      • Demondog06

        *puts on ski mask and robs PA of collection plate as he leaves church*

        • Royale W. Cheese

          Jumps into time machine and goes back to steal collection plate before PA does. Helps Doc Brown pay the Lybians.

          • Breezy

            *unplugs and cut the time machine power supply so RWC gets stuck*

      • Breezy

        *trips PA down as he passes my pew*

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          What the hell? I’m getting stuck up by two different people?

          • JessicaL

            Lol, it’s karma for stealing the collection plate.

            • chameleonic

              LMAO @ this entire exchange.

  • Secret Sauce

    The worse piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone is to be themselves. Why? Because being yourself might be reason why you struggle to either establish a relationship or keep one for an extended period of time.

    • Secret Sauce

      *worst* and I call myself a journalist.

    • http://twitter.com/sylquesaid fixedwater

      How can you have a real relationship, if you can’t be the real you?

      • Secret Sauce

        because on ocassion the real you, your personality, mannerisms, morals, values, and all that jazz, just could be a liability when entering a realtionship. what if the real you is a lying womanizer(man eater) nice guy, flaky, abusive, jealous, insecure, thirsty individual? I would imagine it would be tough to have a fulfilling relationship.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

          Even if you are the sorry sack-o-$hit that you described… who knows, maybe there is someone out there for you. Far be it from me to tell you otherwise. I still think that you’d be better served by being your “true” self in the beginning rather than wasting precious years on the world’s worst paying acting gig.

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            I agree, Jay. I’ve seen people who’ve had very ‘unique’ personalities find someone simply by being brave enough to be who they are. I think we’ve all seen those couples with really unusual personalities/ interests, etc. and wondered how they found each other. The answer; by being honest about who they are. There really is someone for everyone.

          • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

            Nah, I’d say if that’s the real you, then you’d probably better work on cleaning some of those skeletons you’ve got in that closet before entering into a relationship, cause it probably won’t last.

        • chameleonic

          or maybe just not have one. it just seems like people have all these problems and faults and tuck them away and force a situation with someone doing the same thing. it isnt healthy. it has no real benefits. its just a weakness of the mind to not face you and complete a growth cycle humans experience prior to sex and mating. it makes life sloppy. just be you and let the rest go. deal with yourself before tainting the beauty of companionship.

          • Rewind

            True. All it is truly is a cop out so that we don’t have to be responsible for who we are at the present moment, nothing else.

            • chameleonic

              I mean, that’s how I see it. as if it’s hard or to face ourselves or as if we don’t like our own selves so we get into relationships with people who like the facades we become. When we really could and should just deal with ourselves first. then people would love and be in relationhips with US us.

              • Rewind

                Its like every teen romantic comedy where the nerd puts on an act to be cool so the hot girl will notice him, but in reality, she had no interest in the regular version. Hell, we all know of someone who played a good game on someone, only to find out the whole thing was a lie. Exactly what good does that do in the end though? I never seen it be a sucess.

                • chameleonic

                  true story. but hey, apparently this is called “fun” or “a good time”.

                  =l

                  • chameleonic

                    lol…when was the last tim anyone heard “would you like to play a game” and it turned out well for them. nu uh. just be real. no games. no.

        • Rewind

          Then you just suck. And that’s life. Trying to be anything else other than yourself is a lie. Even trying to argue that people should be more presentable rather than show their true colors is a cop out…a worse one because now, they took a choice away from another person about how to view them.

          • chameleonic

            oh no no no. or better yet……..the real you isnt presentable?

            O_o

            • Rewind

              HA!

              Exactly. What kind of shyte is that?

              The real you is like seeing how you look when you wake up in the morning. Yes, you may look like shyte, but you can at least clean up and be presentable. People may not like what they see, but then those are the people you shouldn’t be with. However, if you put on makeup, wigs, flashy jewelry, etc…now all of a sudden you look like a totally different person, and now that’s the version people will be attracted to, so it should be no surprise that they expect you to keep that look up 24/7. That’s what people don’t get when their representative opens the door.

              • chameleonic

                *sings black women in church “MMMMHMMMM” agreement* Preach on.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        Exactly. Thats only true if, when you say relationship, you mean something other a true connection and real happiness.

      • http://LEARNINGlover.com AfterMath

        “when keepin it real goes wrong”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “The worse piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone is to be themselves”

      LOL, I actually think this is probably the best piece of relationship/dating advice you can give someone

    • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

      Being yourself =/= not attempting to improve or better yourself.

      • Justmetheguy

        +1 Malik- The problem with the whole “be yourself” meme is that it’s so vague and incomplete. It also suggests that you don’t need to work on balancing and/or asserting yourself at the right times. Being yourself alone won’t get you into college or land you a good job, you need to work to understand yourself fluently like your behavior is a d@mn second language lol. THEN you work to improve and better yourself based on what your goals/intentions are.

        • Rewind

          Negative. Improving one’s self is a personal choice, you either do it or you don’t. Putting on a show to attract other people however is a game, and you are playing yourself and others. Shouldn’t be a big surprise when people realize they don’t like your game or who you pretended to be.

          Being a better takes work, and people have to be willing to put in the hours. Anything else said is a crock of shyte and built on pure laziness.

          • Justmetheguy

            “Putting on a show to attract other people however is a game, and you are playing yourself and others. ”

            Ummmm, but who said you should put on a show to attract others? I sure didn’t (maybe you weren’t talkin to me though). Also what if putting on a show is part of your personality? (I have relatives like that) If so I see nothing wrong with learning how to put on a more entertaining/interesting show. I think that would qualify as self-growth…what say you?

            • Rewind

              Ok let’s put it like this. When you first meet a girl, what’s your approach? Are you shy or are you confident? Ever see one of those tv shows that tell men how to talk to women they can never have by using select pick up lines? That’s a guy being somebody else, because his true self would never say those things, but he’s going to pretend to be confident in order to get a girl to like them. Or have you ever talked to someone who has an extremely different personality from the person that they like, and then they are given advice about how to talk, what kind of clothes to wear, etc, to get this person’s attention. That’s not real. That’s not being yourself. So in the end, it is a game.

              • Justmetheguy

                Ok, yeah we’re talking about two different things. I agree though, pickup lines are useless. It’s all about how you deliver it and how open she is to your approach (and how attractive she finds you). I don’t condone pickup lines (Unless you’re just jokin around and bein silly as an icebreaker. That’s part of some people’s personality)

    • nillalatte

      Always, always be the REAL you if you’re truly looking for a relationship. Developing a character is for a drama on stage. In real life, you need to be who you are so the other person can be who they are. Is that scary? Sometimes, if you really dig a person and you’ve put this other persona out there. But, in the end, it will bite you in the arse.

      • Rewind

        For some people it is. The thought of rejection scares the holy fawk out of them so badly that they are willing to be anyone but their true selves.

      • Asiyah

        I agree with Nilla. I am myself. I am not about manipulating some guy via a false image of me to get him to be mine.

  • Cynasure Ross

    Thats why you are “The CHAMP”!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      actually, i’m “the champ” because, well, nevermind

      • Rewind

        That statement should be followed by a quote from an actual woman you smashed while wearing a heavyweight championship belt.

  • Third Of August

    I see your point, Champ.

    I can definitely agree with (and personally vouch for) the idea that people often make relationships and their associated activities more difficult than they need to be.

    But “Your Degrees…” was full of good information.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “But “Your Degrees…” was full of good information.”

      thanks and sh*t

  • http://yourbiggirlpants.blogspot.com/ Mandi

    I have to definitely agree. Most of the time we relationships are very difficult because we are with the wrong person. That’s it, that’s all, end of story.

    But…

    There are those people, who start out as being the right person, and eventually change into the wrong person as life goes on. Then you have some hard decisions ahead of you. Do you stay in the relationship and struggle it out? Or do you choose to blow up your family, your kids, your house, your in-laws, etc. because you didn’t want to fight through and struggle some? Just because something starts out very easy is no guarantee it’s going to end that way.

    And what about those poor people who could be with someone else, but it would difficult for them? Are we dooming them to a life alone when they could, perhaps, with a little work, be “domesticated”? People can be just snapshots in time.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “And what about those poor people who could be with someone else, but it would difficult for them? Are we dooming them to a life alone when they could, perhaps, with a little work, be “domesticated”?”

      I’m not sure what you’re asking here. But, to your other question, I there’s a difference between struggling and struggling with foundational things that are never going to change. The former is treatable, but I think we tend to act as if the latter is treatable too

    • Angel Baby

      TRUTH!

    • nillalatte

      “Do you stay in the relationship and struggle it out? Or do you choose to blow up your family, your kids, your house, your in-laws, etc. because you didn’t want to fight through and struggle some?”

      Most, eventually, struggle out of it. Only the ones that can’t resolve their emotional (internal) struggles choose to take the alternative route you’ve suggested here. And, you know what, they could have made it past the pain. It would have subsided eventually with a lot of work on their psyche.

      You know, being alone is not always lonely. A person who is life long single may choose that because they actually enjoy having a good support system (i.e. friends and family) and never really miss not having someone 24/7 around. Different strokes for different folks.

      • Rewind

        That and just the ability to deal with your life as it is, not how you want it to be. People make that mistake too often.