Even though I feel like quite a few Black movies really are the exact same story over and over again, they’re just different enough to keep me watching every time. Such is the case with Brown Sugar. Now, most people (myself included) thought they stretched the hip-hop metaphor a little bit thin and their explanation for “brown sugar” was quite dumb.
And it really was just Love & Basketball 2: If They’d Picked Up CD’s Instead of Basketballs.
Plot holes, rehashed storylines, and clicheness aside, I really liked Brown Sugar. It kept me entertained, and it includes a part that really sticks out to me in the realm of relationship dos and don’ts. It’s the scene where Dre quits his job, decides to start his own label and the first person he goes to tell is his best friend, Sydney (who then funds his label), as opposed to his wife, Reese. Shenanigans ensue and then somebody throws a trident.
(And of course my favorite scene is the one with Richard Lawson and the famous, “my divooooorce” line.)
After I first saw the movie I remember getting into a pretty spirited discussion with a female friend of mine about that one scene. She felt that Dre totally disrespected his wife and his marriage by not going to his wife to consult with her first about his decision to quit. I get that part. I mean you can’t just go quitting a job all willy nilly when you’re married since that qualifies as a major life decision and to my knowledge (and agreeance), you’re required to discuss all major life decisions with the wife/husband. So we were more or less on the same page there.
Our argument centered around whether or not you have to share big news – and we’re black so face it somebody we know is starting a record label and making it a big deal, I own 4 labels myself - with the significant other first as opposed to a best friend. And furthermore, does it only really make a difference if the best friend is of the opposite sex?
Now my argument was that, as a dude, my first inclination would probably be to go straight to my boys with big news. Not as a slight, but just because, I mean, it’s my boys. It’s not on purpose, it’s just natural. Like Black hair in the sunlight. It just makes sense to holler at your boys. Her argument was that your significant other should be your best friend and that they should be priority numero uno anyway so that natural inclination should be to call them first because they are the person you’re sharing your life and juices with, etc.
Hmmmm.
That gave me pause. I’ve oft heard this significant other/best friend comparison and I blame R. Kelly for making 15 year-olds everywhere claim to need a homie/lover/friend. I wonder if this is just one of those other differences between men and women, you know, the Venus vs Mars thing.
By the way, that song is terrible. Along with the rest of the album.
(If you’ll notice, I’m slowly reviewing Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3 album on this site Twitter-style since I know nobody is reading this site for album reviews.)
I always thought that women were more or less looking to their men as their best friends, which would explain why we should go to them first, whereas men were looking to their women as…their women who we love but rarely want to talk to.
Them’s jokes.
We already have best friends and we operate with them as such. Now I don’t know if any of that is actually true or not, it’s just my theory. Hell, I can’t even 100 percent say I operate like that. But I will say that I’ve witnessed enough of the latter for me to guess its probably true.
I think the only reason it mattered in the movie is because Sydney has breasts and it was some sort of territorial infringement.
Anywho, it’s been a question I’ve wondered about for quite some time and what better place than the almighty VSB to hash this quandry out?
So people of the VSBdom, does it matter if the significant other isn’t the first to know stuff? Does that say anything about the relationship? Does it matter more f the best friend is of the opposite sex? Do women view their boyfriends as their best friends? Do men ever view their women as their best friends or is that only for the wives? Why does Ciara still have a career?
And more importantly, when did YOU fall in love with hip-hop?
(Man that was so corny in the movie.)
Spit yo’ game, talk yo’ sh*t.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
In theory I want my man to be my best friend. But then, that would be weird, considering who my BFF is now LOL. I mean really? Replace my BFF as the go-to person on hearing the day to day BS I go through? Once you’ve had a BFF for a minute, it gets a lil weird to think about replacing them in this sense. I think over time, as we get older, perhaps the labels on people don’t change but the dynamics might.
PS I am Officially Jaded on all things involving love, so in some ways it feels easier to dismiss “important” “dynamics” in a “love” “relationship.” I am fully aware this logic of mine will not and does not apply to others.
PPS I am also fully aware that maybe my man wont want to hear all the day to day BS i tend to talk to my BFF about? Maybe he would like the filtered, post-rant version?
@Liz,
“PPS I am also fully aware that maybe my man wont want to hear all the day to day BS i tend to talk to my BFF about? Maybe he would like the filtered, post-rant version?”
Here @ VSB commentary, we heart Liz.
Now, just make sure that “BFF” ain’t another man.. cause we don’ wanna come lookin’ for ya if you know what I means. Ninjas dont play. LOL. I’m such a fool
@Officer Ricky,
so you’re saying your woman’s BFF can’t be a man? No Dre and Sydney friendships for you?
@Selah,
Yes, it can’t be. Shiiiii.. don’t get me started. Been there, done that. Don’t need another man telling me how to run my r/ship.. and what’s another man BFF’n with a woman for unless he tryna taste them cakes? I’m just saying.. fellas?
@Officer Ricky, LOL lawd. yeah we have def had this convo on VSB somewhere before. my bff is a man but–it’s different. to me, not a big deal and hopefully it won’t be to a significant other.
@Officer Ricky,
yea there has been a convo like that here before… but i was just wondering. I think some guys don’t realize that just cuz the BFF is a female doesn’t mean your woman won’t leave their azz for their BFF. LOL i keed i keed
@Officer Ricky,
I’m wit’ you bruh…especially if the opposite sex “best friend” is someone they used to be “involved” with in a way that’s beyond platonic. That’s that shullbit.
@Officer Ricky, That’s real spit but I do enjoy the fact that my girl at any given moment can filter that conversation down to its essence. Liz, Im glad you understand that but you gonna have distance yourself from that male bff unless he’s gay and not sometime gay he got to be turned off by buhginas.
@Selah,
so you’re saying your woman’s BFF can’t be a man? No Dre and Sydney friendships for you?
lol, he might not be saying that but i certainly am.
@Officer Ricky, “Yes, it can’t be. Shiiiii.. don’t get me started. Been there, done that. Don’t need another man telling me how to run my r/ship.. and what’s another man BFF’n with a woman for unless he tryna taste them cakes? I’m just saying.. fellas?”
I’m wit you bruh . . . I think the only time a man and a woman can be “friends” is if the man is not attracted to a woman, or if the woman and the dude shared a crib . . .like a real crib . . . otherwise, he is just waiting for his opening. Maybe that’s too broad a generalization . . . but I have yet to see this occur.
@Liz,
I feel like it depends on how you view the word “best friend.”
I mean, I tell my wife all the news I get. Pretty much anything that happens to me or my family, she knows about it first. However, that doesn’t mean she and I have the same sort of conversations I have with my friends because she and I dont’ have the same sort of relationship.
Often men marry women who possess certain qualities they want in mate. Those qualities may not be the same qualities we want in a friend. So, my wife is my friend, my closest friend, but not my “best friend.”
@Big Man, that def makes sense and to an extent i can agree with that dynamic.
Ciara has a career via Aaliyah died in a plane crash.
Both people have want want their spouse to be their bff otherwise someone’s always gonna feel ‘Reesed’. Ideally though I would like to marry and staff up the homestead with a husband who is my bff. Problem is, I’m never attracted to my male friends.
@Md. Smart, Via should be BECAUSE. But I re-wrote the comment down below.
oh, and i think love and basketball was a way better movie than brown sugar. BS got real corny at the end with the radio station stuff….even tho yes, i cried.
@Liz,
i shed a tear, too. But don’t tell anyone lol
@Selah, LOL! it’s ok, it’s the good kinda tear
@Liz,
Since you brought it up can we talk about the endings of these types of movies? Am I the only one bothered by these dumb rom-coms where it takes the getting the invite to the BFF’s wedding to make someone realize they should act on feelings they’ve been harboring for years. I remember Omar Epps calling Sanaa Lathan’s character selfish, but then he winds up “playing for his heart” and letting her “win” it – leaving Tyra Banks’ character where? In theory she met someone, fell in love, was prepared to get married is now what? blAss out. That’s not selfish of him? I’m not saying he should have married her anyway, I’m saying deal with that stuff before you commit to someone else. Same with the Reese character in Brown Sugar. (Though she prob shoulda seen the signs.) My Best Friend’s Wedding, Made of Honor, etc. Why is this considered romantic or nice? Am I thinking about this too hard? I don’t know, but everytime I see these types of endings I get mad at the couple for the collateral damage they cause. Maybe I’m looking at the wrong thing.
@Madame Zenobia,
Nah, you’re right. That’s why I like shows where they show the consequence…they LOVE to do that in some Asian shows (read: Korea, Japan, Taiwan) because it ends up being crazy drama
@Madame Zenobia, ur right the basketball scene, altho one of my faves, was a very selfish move for everyone involved. but men r selfish so…it’s all too real lol.
@Madame Zenobia,
i feel you on the selfish bit. i always think about those things too. like what about the other person? its not even like the other characters (i.e. the fiances/wives) are so despicable that they have it comin–tho i dont think any one deserves to be mistreated or disrespected. i would HATE for that to happen to me. heartbreaking.
@Madame Zenobia,
Good point, even in Brown Sugar
(1 divorce) + (1 broken engagement) = (happy ending??)
@Madame Zenobia,
Why is this considered romantic or nice? Am I thinking about this too hard? I don’t know, but everytime I see these types of endings I get mad at the couple for the collateral damage they cause. Maybe I’m looking at the wrong thing.
these “without real consequences” scenes are written for women, which is just more proof that all women (except my mom) are evil descendants of dick cheney
@The Champ, but do you even really want to see the full effects of everything? you want to see Tyra spazzing out and taking over some plane (i think she was a flight attendant in the movie) b/c omar epps bounced?
isn’t that what Real Chance of Love is for?
@Panama Jackson,
isn’t that what Real Chance of Love is for?
lmao
@Madame Zenobia, you know…i think thats part of the magic of movies though. if i wanted reality, i’d go home. instead we go to movies that are romantic comedies to see SOMEBODY win out in the end. that’s why i didn’t like “the breakup”. it ended like it would end in real life. and it was a total blower. i like my romantic comedies to be completely unrealistic and happy at the end. i dont care if somebody got murdered in teh process and everybody should be upset…f*ck that. gloss over it and keep it moving.
i believe if you are married, all important news that may potentially affects the marriage should be shared with your spouse before your homeboys or homegirls. likewise, i believe that as adults, we shouldn’t be involved with anyone who couldn’t be a potential husband or wife. with that being said, i do believe the S.O. comes before the friends. You don’t have to leave the friends out of the loop, but your S.O. should not hear about your good or bad news from your homeboy’s facebook page.
@deN.I.A.l is not a river in Egypt….,
likewise, i believe that as adults, we shouldn’t be involved with anyone who couldn’t be a potential husband or wife
eh. don’t know if i agree with that. while i’m pro-marriage and sh*t, i understand that everyone doesn’t share the same conviction, and, as long as both parties have the same expectation level, i dont see anything wrong with being in a “fun” romantic relationship as an adult
@The Champ,
no, there isn’t anything wrong with being in a fun relationship. i was speaking specifically about serious relationships, though. And frankly, at a certain age, it starts to look a litle ridiculous if all of your relationships are fun relationships. seriously, 45 years old, never married, and still clubbing looking for a “fun” relationship sounds pathetic and sad and lonely. NTTAWWT
@deN.I.A.l is not a river in Egypt…., likewise, i believe that as adults, we shouldn’t be involved with anyone who couldn’t be a potential husband or wife.
yeah, i dont agree with that either. i mean, with that kind of philosophy, what would hoes do?
@Panama Jackson,
i’m sure there are some men who think of their “reformed” hoe as a potential housewife…. maybe…..
“my favorite scene is the one with Richard Lawson and the famous, “my divooooorce” line”
lol. That was my favorite line too. I’ve seen Brown Sugar so many times and love that movie. One of my closest friends is a guy and our friendship goes back a long time (we met in ’96) and he met his wife in ’05. He confides a lot in me even before his wife. I think it’s because his wife isn’t supportive and can be very demanding. He wanted to start his own business and she gave him a lot of flack and is very critical of his decisions.
@Leila,
and so it begins….
@shatani,
lol…
@Leila,
o_O
@V.E.G.,
co-signage.
@Leila,
Leila, Leila. The wife may be demanding and unsupportive, but it was your friend’s job to vet her before they got married. Perhaps she is more critical of his decisions because she has more to lose if they don’t pan out. If he is consistently confiding in you before his wife you are officially an interloper in their marriage. Then again, it’s HIS responsibility to manage that.
@Lil’T,
Perhaps she is more critical of his decisions because she has more to lose if they don’t pan out.
i think this is a great point and should be emphasized! friends dont stand to lose much, if anything at all, when you put yourself out on a limb to try “something new” or take risks. the spouse is the one who has to deal with the short AND long term consequences. if you’re married, you’re in it TOGETHER and thus life-changing decisions should be made together, even if you dont agree. the spouse at least deserves the right to know and express their opinion.
i think it’s one thing to be supportive but another to just haphazardly go along with something just cuz that’s your man/woman. sometimes it’s necessary to have some one to level things out and be reasonable.
@Leila,
Yeah, this is a bad sign. You can’t be using your female friends as support when you’re having problems with the missus. I don’t do that. That’s a slippery slope because soon you have some sort of second marriage on the side. Bad news for everybody.
@Big Man,
Yup. That’s when the hot grits come out.
@Lil’T,
you have hot grits???? where????
Love & Basketball was a great movie – one of my favorites.
@Leila,
i like it as well… except I always felt like he didn’t love her as much as she loved him. And that made me be like HMPH. WHATEVER. …. Maybe it hit too close to home? lol
@Selah, i actually think he did. and he was just acting out his complete disappointment that the two people he trusted most both abandoned him in his time of need (so to speak). i never got the impression at all that he wasn’t in love with her, i think he just didnt know how to handle his emotions. rich kid with the world at his feet. adversity was not his oyster.
more like his cod liver oil.
@Leila,
I maybe the only woman who did not like Love &Basketball. Why did she go back to the friggin’ abusive dude for?
I don’t get it.
Ciara has a career cus Aaliyah died in a plane crash.
Both people have want want their spouse to be their bff otherwise someone’s always gonna feel ‘Reesed’. Ideally though I would like to marry and staff up the homestead with a husband who is my bff. Problem is, I’m never attracted to my male friends.
@Ms. Smart,
Ciara has a career cus Aaliyah died in a plane crash.
Gaaaaaaaadamn. I’m too dead on that one.
@Officer Ricky, is that supposed to be a pun? or better stated…pun, intended?
@Ms. Smart, I’m not attracted to my male friends either. The closer I am to them, the less I can be attracted to them. That’s because they know TMI about me to think about them like that. Dating is a charade after all…
@Ms. Smart,
Good LORD are you right! My brother and I were talking about this last week on the anniversary of her death. And he said the same thing about Beyonce.
@Madame Zenobia, I don’t know that Aaliyah could challenge Beyonce. She lacked one major thing Beyonce has: A Father who obviously had enough of a business mind to get his daughter out there and keep her out there. Plus, to be frank, I never heard Aaliyah ‘sang’. I heard her whisper on key. I never say her ‘perform’. I saw her put her school of performing arts classes to work and try to keep her pants from falling down.
@Ms. Smart, yeah i agree. aaliyah wasn’t a sanger. she was a performer. like ciara. except she came first and seemed more interesting and had better production behind her.
@Madame Zenobia,
ciara? maybe. beyonce? not at all. all beyonce ever needed was a stage and a mic. her father put her on the map, and i believe it woulda happened regardless what other female singers were out there.
even if bey came out around the time when janet was still hot ish, i think bey coulda held her own.
aaliyah (mostly) was just a pretty face with a “pretty voice” (c) bscott
@Ms. Smart,
i agree…Aaliyah left a huge hole in the game. Beyonce has benefitted from it mostly b/c there isn’t a woman like Aaliyah to challenge her.
@deN.I.A.l is not a river in Egypt…., I don’t think Aaliyah would even be making songs at this point. I think she would have had one, or three, or D. Dash’s babies and faded. If anything, she’d be on RHOA instead of Kandi.
@deN.I.A.l is not a river in Egypt….,
Sorry, I posted this below, but it should’ve been here.
I’m sorry, but I didn’t think Aaliyah was all that tough in the singing game. She had a couple good songs but she really got more famous because she died.
@Anger Management,
I’m sorry, but I didn’t think Aaliyah was all that tough in the singing game. She had a couple good songs but she really got more famous because she died.
i agree. i liked her songs, but i think her death has made some people feel as if she was this unstoppable force of nature, and forget that timbaland’s amazing production was responsible for at least 79 percent of her success.
@The Champ, gonna have to disagree with you there a little bit. aaliyah’s first album was quite successful before she got it in with timbaland. hell, she had chicks dressing like goofy little boys. timbaland only stepped in when that whole r. kelly marriage fiasco forced a distancing. now he did take her to the next level, but let’s not act like “oooh it’s the l-i-y-a-h” wasn’t really anybody until timbo showed up.
“Do men ever view their women as their best friends or is that only for the wives?”
That sh*t is ONLY for the wives playa. I view my woman as just that, she’s my woman, my best friend.. errmm.. so okay, I take that back then. But I do not weigh them in the same light as my ninjas.
I just think it’s such a freaking red flag is my woman is constantly airing out OUR business to her lil buddy Candy or whatever before telling me. That.is.death. n uhhh, I’ll slice ya throat! I just think if a relationship does get to that point,(serious) her bestfriend should get the boot on some vibe.. find out AFTER me or something, just not before me!
@Officer Ricky,
her bestfriend should get the boot on some vibe.. find out AFTER me or something, just not before me!
I agree with this mister officer. But, to me, it begs the question: shouldn’t yall have already been talking about whatever issue the upcoming “life changing decision” is about? Like.. Dre was sorta unhappy for a while before finally sayin EFF THIS I’m DONE! … so how come he hadn’t talked to Reese about those feelings and sh*t before? I had a point somewhere but now i’m over it
@Selah, “I agree with this mister officer. But, to me, it begs the question: shouldn’t yall have already been talking about whatever issue the upcoming “life changing decision” is about? Like.. Dre was sorta unhappy for a while before finally sayin EFF THIS I’m DONE!”
Not that I agree with the way dude went about it (telling shorty before his wife. . . but he always wanted to tap that so I guess it was realistic) . . . but that decision was apparently at that moment. Folks always having thoughts running in the background. . . but I can feel the . . .fukkit im done move . . . I wish I could every day I come to this cubicle LoL
@Selah, if im’ not mistaken, he made his unhappiness clear to his wife and she more or less blew him off like, “now dre, that doesnt make any sense”
now, i aint saying you get the freedom to just roll.bounce. however, if you got a non-supportive spouse in the corner then you got to do what you got to do (which is going to lead to your divorce anyway…breast friend of not)
At a certain age, the BFF became less important than a crew of go-to girrls who had my back. This being said, major life trials and tribulations go to the S/O first having the most direct impact. As for the day-to-day “I found the best shoes” type of stuff, depends on what kind of man you’ve got. One Ex-S/O didn’t mind hearing about the guy who cut me off in traffic, how I went to three grocery stores looking for arugula or why Grey’s Anatomy sucks this season. Another S/O wasn’t havent it – big news, quick overview of day and mood, what’s to eat, pass me the remote and we getting down tonite… period.
I think I’d be upset if my man made a huge life decision and I wasn’t the first to know. I’d be even MORE upset if he told his FOTOS (friend of the opposite sex) first. Denotes an intimacy that would make me give the two of them the side-eye (a la Brown Sugar).
I first fell in love with Hip Hop listening to The Message.
@OneChele,
At a certain age, the BFF became less important than a crew of go-to girrls who had my back. This being said, major life trials and tribulations go to the S/O first having the most direct impact.
Hallelujah Amen! 25 and older crowd, ya’ll need to cut that ish out.
@OneChele,
I agree with lot of what you said. Perhaps all. I’m too lazy to go back and re-read. lol basically, day to day stuff: best friend OR any man of mine that wants to hear random daily ish…. major life decisions: with my husband* first, then best friends, after.
And I’d def want any husband of mine to come to me first with life altering decisions.. don’t wanna be your second or third person to discuss stuff like that with you. it will probably make me feel sorta useless. lol
*i don’t have a husband. but just for argument’s sake.
@OneChele,
“I think I’d be upset if my man made a huge life decision and I wasn’t the first to know. I’d be even MORE upset if he told his FOTOS (friend of the opposite sex) first. Denotes an intimacy that would make me give the two of them the side-eye (a la Brown Sugar).”
i dont want to be the first to know that my man made a huge life decision…i shoulda already been part of that decision. we should have been discussing pros and cons from jump. so, when the decision gets made, it need not be news to me.
@shatani,
“we should have been discussing pros and cons from jump.”
I think this, though, is why folks would go to friends first. Sometimes you don’t want to discuss the pros and cons.
Selfish? Yeah. But it’s real.
I don’t agree. But I understand.
@V.E.G.,
i guess….
in my mind though, if my man is so unhappy at his job that he is considering quitting…i dont want to be told that he quit before he tells his friends. i want to know about whats going on at work, i want to know what he might do if he quits, i want to know if i need to put that shopping spree on hold.
coming home like, “honey i quit my job” outta the blue is unacceptable to me. but i guess, if he doesnt want to deal with reality and just wants talk and get no response, then i suppose im not the person to talk to.
@shatani,
i def feel you on this shat. quitting your job should NOT be impulsive–married or not. if you ARE married, you def need to have job-change talks with your spouse as it ultimately will affect you both. esp if yall depend on both incomes to pay your bills.
besides, we are in a recession. you dont just up and quit a job that hasn’t fired or laid off your sorry @$$ before you find another job. if it’s necessary for you to have a job, you should have alternatives/choices before you turn in your 2wks notice.
@OneChele,
“I first fell in love with Hip Hop listening to The Message.”
The love started for me with “King of Rock”. That was one of the first songs, I wrote down all the lyrics to after I taped it from the radio and kept stoppin’ and playin’ it to catch everything until I remembered all the lyrics. I did the same thing for “Roxanne Roxanne” and numerous others. I liked hip hop before then, but songs like those closed the deal.
@Monk, i first fell in love with hip-hop when i heard aaron hall say “dumb b*tch” on “piece of my love”
i wondered what this new art form was that let men degrade women so…
…alas, it was hiphop.
@OneChele,
“At a certain age, the BFF became less important than a crew of go-to girrls who had my back. This being said, major life trials and tribulations go to the S/O first having the most direct impact.”
Yep.
I would prefer to be my man’s BFF too. That’s the plan to marry a man that feels like my best friend. Having said that, there are things that my BFF will always be my go to person for and it doesn’t reflect on my relationship with my man/husband. I don’t think it matters who knows what first when it comes to small stuff. Life changing stuff should be shared with the person that puts up with your shit day in and day out (I want the highs and lows)
I’m trying to remember if we ever had this argument Panama, pretty sure we did, I’m sure whatever your opinion was, I opposed it, for kicks and giggles.
@Wise Diva,
That’s the plan to marry a man that feels like my best friend.
do you think you should plan that, or just hope the relationship evolves to a point to where he is your best friend?
@The Champ, what I meant was, I would desire a relationship to have that connection where we relate that well, get each other’s humor, compatibility through the roof. Most of my relationships progress like that naturally as it is.
I don’t get down with the idea of my man being my BFF. A good friend – a damn good friend – yes. BFF? Nah.
Don’t get me wrong: I have been good friends with, oh, 90% of my boyfriends. And they are all, honestly, still really good friends to this day: talk regularly (sometimes an hour long phone calls), hang out, stuff like that.
But a romantic relationship and a friendship are different things, IMO. A friendship can lead to a romantic relationship, to be sure, but once it gets there things are different.
Yeah, I want my relationship to be honest and open, and I want us to have shared interests but, in reality, most men and women are not going to have a whole host of common interests. And to try to force your need to talk about *insert girl stuff here* on your man is selfish and kinda delusional.
Plus, I don’t want my conversations with my man to even closely mirror the bitch/high detailed story telling sessions I have with my girl. I def. wanna feel comfortable enough with my man to tell him when life has got me down but I don’t ever want to get to a place where I am dumping every little detail on him (something I think women do too much of). Cuz I don’t see that as a man’s role in my life nor do I view that as a way to maintain a healthy relationship.
Just one woman’s view.
@V.E.G
I would use the “like” button on this comment. And in later conversations about this topic with friends of mine, I shall def be calling upon this well worded explanation. LOL
@Selah,
I would use the “like” button on this comment.
Facebook poison strikes again.
@V.E.G.,
i agree. i dont think my husband should be my best friend and to be quite honest, i never believe people who say that about their SO’s anyway! i think people say it because its the thing to say.
but like you said, the things i talk about with my core group are generally of no interest to my man, and i can appreciate that. just like i hope he takes all that car/sneaker/(other subject i dont care about) talk to his core group….i agree with onechele. i think i stopped having besties after highschool.
@V.E.G.,
I actually agree w/ ur tome, friend. Women need to quit looking at their man to be lover, Fairy GodPartner, AND BFF. Lol some oflks want their men to lie down on the bed w/ them with his head on his fist like “Tell me more baby!” No. He’ont wanna hear the minutiae. Save it for the girls to “ooohhh & aaahhh” and “oh nooo that bish didnt.”
He should be a close friend who you can be open with. But BFF status? Naw I’ll save that for someone who’ll squeal when I show them the new fierce boots I just bought. If HE squeals at them, then we have a whole new set of problems.
@Luvvie,
“If HE squeals at them, then we have a whole new set of problems”
Yes, you do. The only reaction a man should have when he sees your shoes is to say “those are hot” and/or “keep those on tonight”.
@V.E.G.,
LOL. I love you V.dot. I had one of my girlfriends get pissed because I didn’t know those expensive wigs that the famous people wear cost into the thousands. That was just as crazy as when I found out that the lady on Mama’s family was not that old (SMH)
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Vicki Lawrence was the SH*T. I loved that show.
She was one of my early Snark Sensai
@BlkBond,
This whole thing made me chuckle.
@V.E.G.,
Not just one woman’s view. This woman has the same POV. And is living it.
Especially the part about the hot shoes. YESSIR.
@V.E.G.,
This right here was truth. Maybe it’s a NOLA thing.
@V.E.G.,
i def feel you, Veg Head. i dont need my friendship with my SO to be like my friendships with my girls/BFFs.
but diff ppl have diff definitions of what a bestie should be. my BFF is a girl, been friends since BIRTH, and we were inseparable growing up. but for the last 8yrs, we have lived in different states. we dont talk everyday (unless you count twitter) and i dont share with her the details of my day-to-day. but that doesn’t lessen the fact that she’s my BFFITWWW. she’s not even around to slash a bish’s tires if it came to that, but she’s still my ride or die chick.
i guess my point is, i think it’s possible for ppl in a relationship to be “best friends”. it just depends on how you define the term and what it is you require of such friendships. i def want my future husband to be my best friend — meaning i want him to be a friend as well as a husband. becuz marriage is just a business/economic union, IMHO. and if my husband is simply a business partner, then we’d have a problem.
@Gem of the Ocean,
BFFITWWW.
this acronym is gay
@The Champ, BFFITWWW = me lost on this one!! Someone help…
And I can see why a spouse would go to someone else to discuss a life altering decision (though I don’t agree with it).
Sometimes, you just want a friend to listen and help you think it through – and maybe cheer you on – not point out all the reasons why you shouldn’t. Let’s be real: even the most supportive spouse would, justifiably, have reservations bout their mate quitting their jobs cuz they are thinking about the bills.).
Again, I don’t agree with telling friends first but I can see why someone would.
@V.E.G.,
i could see telling your friend first because you need help trying to figure out how to tell your spouse! especially the opposite sex friend. i have in the past counseled guy friends on the best way to let their lady know that they effed up. which means, he told me first. i dont know that the ladyfriend is ever privy to that info or how she might react….but there it is.
@shatani,
You know one of my closest and oldest friends, I’d call her a BFF is I used that term (using it only for the sake of this post. I’m
3426, too old for that. lol), is trying to get fired at work. She misses weeks at a time, doesn’t complete assignments on purpose, etc. (surprisingly, they won’t fire her). Her college roommate and I are privy to her dilemma and her husband is not. They are really a tight couple but she hates her job (she actually just started school today to get her second masters so she can change fields, thank you brown baby jesus) and she really doesn’t want to hear her husband b*tch at her for missing days at work, etc. He thinks she goes to work everyday when really she’s been at home, calling in and watching soaps.Do I agree? No. But I understand.
@V.E.G.,
damn, thats deep! they are in need of some couples counseling! lol
*clearly biased*
@shatani,
lol.
No what’s deep is that she can’t get fired. Another friend of ours just got fired and the one who wants to be fired is jealous. lol. Her company is clearly a cult you can’t leave.
@V.E.G.,
This is some ish that only a woman would think is acceptable. For her, that is.
Cause if her man did some ridiculous crap like this, she would be SUPER heated. Lying, being irresponsible, all that crap.
@Big Man,
Yeah. I think one should speak up and tell the spouse what is going on but I can see why one would not do that: they don’t wanna hear all the crap that’s gonna follow.
@V.E.G.,
but that’s life. sometimes you need a good talkin to realize how ridiculous you’re being. your friend is WILDIN and exhibiting behavior i think is very unfitting for a grown @$$ woman. she needs to woman up and deal with the consequences of her actions. if she hated the job that much she’d quit and find something else. i can’t excuse that kinda behavior on some “she doesn’t wanna hear her man’s mouth” type ish. that’s what being married is about — hearing ish you dont always wanna hear but may NEED to hear.
@Gem,
We are >< here.
BUT…I am trying to be supportive and offering suggestions for how she could get fired. lol.
@V.E.G. ,
veg the enabler. *smh*
lol i love your commitment tho! everybody has to have that friend who just goes with the flow.
i, on the other hand, am that friend who is not going to “sugar coat that sh*t or butter it up b*tch. if it’s a dry muthafuggin piece of stale bread i’ma call it a dry muthafuggin piece of bread b*tch”
@V.E.G., I so agree with talking to your friend before talking to S/O about certain things. Sometimes you just need the outside perspective. Things tend not to get solved all the time when the same TWO people are looking at it and bumping heads on the same issues over and over again. So i know i am very guilty of talking to one of my closet friends in this world about stuff before i even bring it up (if I even do) to the wife. And before anyone asks it’s not a female who i am running too.
And i just wanted to throw this out there Love Jones was a way better movie than Love and Basketball and Brown Suga…
@NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox.., Ran out of time to edit….
On another note…I know my wife gets tired of me talking to her about day at work even when things go great there. I guess I will chalk it up to her not fully understanding what it is that I do at work or jut being two different people with two different views on things. Makes for interesting debates I will say (when they don’t end up being arguements).
But if I honestly feel like I can’t talk to my own woman (when i should be able to) about the things that get me down in life who can i talk or should I say who should I run to and talk to about things??? Esp. with me being all the way in Afghanistan and her being back in the States…
Well I’ve stated it before life changing decisions? SO/Spouse first
Good news? Hell whoever you see first or have first contact with I mean are u bent out of shape if he tells his momma or brother? I don’t see a problem until you become an afterthought..but if u and the SO have trust and open communication this shouldn’t be an issue. Especially if you have handled the whole friend issue correctly in the first place and your SO is aware and comfortable with your close friends
@shay_d_lady,
I think the one piece of news that, as a woman, you should tell a SO before you tell anyone else is that you are pregnant. Negroes can’t keep secrets and you don’t want your man gettin’ congratulatory messages before you tell him.
@V.E.G., I put that under life changing…any life changing event needs to be discussed with an SO first
@shay_d_lady,
I’m in agreeance when it comes to the first contact person. With me, that would normally be my S.O., but there are definitely some circumstances where that may not be the case. Then again, who knows first doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a “better” friend…they just found out first.
@Monk,
i have a friend who LOVES when she knows something about our mutual friend (who happens to by MY bff) before i do. and she brags about knowing first all the time, as if it made her more important or special. and it doesn’t bother me. i know my place in the friend hierarchy lol so who knows first isnt an issue for me.
Never really saw Love & Basketball, didn’t internalize Brown Sugar, so that’s set aside.
The big pack of ninjas I’d roll to and blaze trees with when I was 18, that crew is largely long gone. I’ll talk about action movies or wack *ss dates or guyyyyy sheeeeeyit (c) Dave Attell, with the few fellas I check for, because chicks ain’t who I take that to.
Having an SO would eliminate talk of wack dates, and I don’t tell the homies about what goes on in my bedroom or arguments we had. I ain’t tryna get no pointers about my woman from them just like they wouldn’t want any from me. Would be type-awkward to hang out with your ace and his woman he complained about not long ago, you know?
And “female friends” are shot like target practice. Because no wifey worth her salt is having that anyway
seeing as how the average female friend was someone I wanted the draws fromSo the spaces left over in this logic problem dictate that the intimate stuff and the serious life changers generally are taken first if not only to my lady I share a home with. And the woman a man picks as his wife is a reflection of him and where/how he truly gets most comfortable. We do see them as our best friends, just don’t tend to put it in those words. Though there are times a woman drives a man nuts enough that he needs a break every now and again, so he needs the fellas (just like a woman needs her girls). The gang is secondary but most necessary.
Now, Hip-Hop’s been my sh*t since the days when breakdancing (b-boying) was more important than rap music was. Because while I have fond memories of Fat Boys, Whodini, and Run DMC, the kickworms and poppin’ and windmills and uprocks were what was up front for me to first take notice of Hip-Hop. That’s what made me wanna get a pair of Chucks, flip down the upper and the tongue and lace up a checkered pattern in them, then get a broken down piece of cardboard and practice.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
thanks, saved me some typing on the S.O. comments. I agree. Once you start co-habituating with the female of the human species, all this “my boyz” or “my Saana who I been tight with since I was 8 when she moved in next door” ish is officially trump tower’d. They move way down the ladder and make way for your woman in every major event status imaginable. No exceptions, unless it’s sports related, then it’s cool to let your crew have at that first…
@T. Troy Stewart,
Co-sign.
@T. Troy Stewart,
i agree and sh*t
I think the whole your spouse or significant other is your best friend thing is kind of a default, your just supposed to act like it. Unless the two people were best friends before the relationship the likelyhood of them becoming your best friend is slim, unless you don’t have any friends.
Honestly in the movie Taye Diggs was just dumb for letting his wife know he told someone before he told her. A lie that preserves the peace just might be the lesser evil…
As a married man with a close female friend that I have literally known for longer than I can remember, I will for ever be mad at Brown Sugar for making our every conversation look suspicious.
I just listened to the Jay album beginning to end, he should be embarrassed, oh well at least I have the Slaughterhouse album to make me forget the crap I just heard. The best song on BP3 might just be DOA and ironically I’ve heard Royce Da 5’9 kill that beat better then Jay…
@Omar,
“Royce Da 5?9 kill that beat better then Jay”
Wouldn’t have been the first time…
@Omar,
Honestly in the movie Taye Diggs was just dumb for letting his wife know he told someone before he told her. A lie that preserves the peace just might be the lesser evil…
lol, i was thinking the same thing. like condiments and hoodrats, sometimes lies are necessary and sh*t
@Omar, wait wait…let me get this right…you think the Slaughterhouse album is better than BP3?
not to say that either is that good but I’ve already listened to BP3 more times than slaughterhouse, and i was on board with that album’s momentum to the nth degree. i even irritated myself with my standom. in fact…the ONLY song i like off that joint really is “sound off”
you know my problem (and it reflects on both albums), i’m a beat man. if i dont like the beat, i dont care what you have to say over it. jay has largely been good at picking solid beats save for BP2, Kingdome Come, and now BP3. the beats on slaughterhouse’s joint were quite…wack to me.
@Panama Jackson, I’m late and shit but, yeah I did like slaughterhouse better than BP3, I think I’m a flow person. I didn’t like jay’s flow on BP3 for most of the songs and I wasn’t that impressed with the beats either. on slaughterhouse for most of the songs I felt like I got good verses from at least two members of the group.
To answer the question at hand, I don’t think I would mind not being the first to hear about a big decision I just wouldn’t want to be too far out of the loop. For example, calling a BFF and then calling me 5 minutes later, cool… calling a BFF and then 2 days later casually dropping it over dinner, not so cool
Also, I’ve always thought that if your BFF is of the opposite sex, then once you got married that person had to cease being your BFF… then again that opens up the bigger argument that I don’t believe in platonic friendships whatsoever but that’s another topic for another day.
Oh and I think I truly fell in love with Hip-Hop when ATLiens dropped and they played half the album all over ATL radio for like 6 months… ahhh the good ol days
One more thing… the best scene in Brown Sugar to me is either the first time Mos Def tried to holla at the Queen… or this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aH8upEjhm0
@A-Town Genius, Will have to agree on the ATLiens album dropping. It was major…well that i think about what OutKast CD wasn’t the shi*??? Got to love GA…
@A-Town Genius, i actually remember where i was the moment i first head “elevators”. that’s how epic that song (and album became) for me.
my boy was robbing k-mart and i was waiting in the car for him to get back with our new video games.
Your spouse (or SERIOUS S.O.) being your best friend is not only good in theory, but in reality in my opinion. If the couple have that special connection, I don’t see a reason why this wouldn’t be a good idea. Of course they still have their individual lives and shyt to attend to, but at the end of the day, I think the best romantic relationships are built that way. Of course, it won’t have that dynamic from the onset, but with time, it should definitely develop into that.
This by no means lessens the importance of the former best friend, it’s just a shift in the dynamic.
@Monk,
Oh yeah, and upon my initial listen (a hour or so ago), I don’t think BP3 is wack at all. Dude has some stellar joints on there and I’m diggin’ it.
@Monk, the more i listen to it, the less worse i think it is. however, i still don’t think it’s good. in fact, the only song that ive had on repeat has been “already home”.
everything else just sounds so vapid and…boring. i feel like jay was bored and said, yo, just give me whatever you have to rap over and i’ll make an album next tuesday.
On another note, as adults, should we even label who is and who isn’t our “best friend”?
Just a question…
@Monk,
As adults, we should not. I have had to end a few different friendships because of the best friend label.
I got bills, I don’t have time to be your “Best” friend. Go play somewhere, I’m busy.
@Monk,
why not?? it might not matter to you or the ppl you’re in friendships with. but perhaps to outside ppl you want to denote who is who in your circle. like, you might need to distinguish who you kick it with in public from the ppl you’ll invite to your house and dont need to be strategically put out at a designated time.
@Monk,
On another note, as adults, should we even label who is and who isn’t our “best friend”?
i agree. after 16, the gayness percentage of referring to someone as your best friend goes up 4.7 percent every year.
@Monk, you probably shouldn’t. but you know
womenpeople take this stuff personally.i have always wondered just how gay the term BFF was though.
“I own 4 labels myself” – Me too!
So people of the VSBdom, does it matter if the significant other isn’t the first to know stuff? & Does that say anything about the relationship?
- It depends on what type of news it is and its potential to effect the relationship and/or its future. In the case of Brown Sugar – absolutely. Starting a business (or any other career move is absolutely going to have an impact on a marriage or serious relationship.) Promotions, lay-offs, major purchases/gifts (unless the purchase/gift is for the SO), arrests, deaths, births, travel plans – all things that should be discussed with a committed SO first. The only exception to this is if you have an ESTABLISHED bff the SO is aware of and you’re talking to this BFF to figure out a way to break said news to the SO. I don’t need to be the first to know that you just picked up the new 2K10. (Which I heard will be dope, Kobe on the cover notwithstanding.)
Does it matter more f the best friend is of the opposite sex?
– Unfortunately, sometimes. It really shouldn’t but it some men/women can’t handle their SO being friends w/someone of the opposite sex. Which I think is sad, if you don’t understand how two people can be completely platonic that’s too bad for yourself. My best friend and I have been friends for almost ten years. We’re like family to the point I’m in his grandfather’s will. His mom had four boys and calls me the daughter she never had. Its a great relationship and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Most of his gfs seem to take it well because it’s clear we’re family and not interested in each other. Its actually sort of his way of weeding broads out – the ones who get all bothered by it don’t make it. Same for me w/guys.
Do women view their boyfriends as their best friends?
- I don’t. And I don’t think you should. That’s entirely too much pressure for both of you. Especially at the boyfriend stage. Now when we get to husband and wife, I absolutely expect to be a confidant. Once it gets to a point where you don’t want, respect or have an interest in my opinion we have a problem.
Do men ever view their women as their best friends or is that only for the wives?
I don’t know. I’m sure it works both ways. Again, I think that’s too much but….
Why does Ciara still have a career?
C-ERROR! I have no answer for this.
When did you fall in love with hip-hop?
I don’t know that I’ve ever fallen in love with hip-hop. Its been a bit of a fling over the years. When I seriously need some music to soothe my soul I’m going gospel. I’m in love with the Isleys, Marvin, Sam Cooke, Chaka Khan, George Clinton, Issac Hayes, Otis Redding, Earth, Wind AND Fire – you know, all the people hip-hop bites from.
That’s what I’ve got kids. I’m going to have a drink to celebrate – (clink, clink) My Dee-voooooorce!!!! (Go cop that Kelby Dawson album! Rin & Tin! New hot sh*t! The H*e is Mine!)
@Madame Zenobia,
My best friend and I have been friends for almost ten years
how did you two meet?
@The Champ,
We went to summer school together during high school together and then re-met in college and have been friends ever since.
No.
No.
No.
I don’t know why they would, but some do.
See last answer.
Cause she’s cute.
@SexyCool,
good answers and sh*t
(If you’ll notice, I’m slowly reviewing Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3 album on this site Twitter-style since I know nobody is reading this site for album reviews.)
shouldn’t that house be built by now? okay, it was a great title for an album THE FIRST TIME, Jay. Let it frackin’ go, already. Besides, if you were to go back to Blueprint original, there is no way you would let some third world glorified Grace Jones stuntdouble and her smidget friend get anywhere near that project, enabling Lame Dash was bad enough. People laugh at me when I say that Kanye has change hip hop the same way they used to laugh at black folk who acted in Tyler Perry movies but look at us now; every ninja in America kissin’ Madea’s pinky rang and Jay-Z mean muggin’ in Kanye templated vids….makes Hawaiian Sophie look like a De Palma masterpiece.
@T. Troy Stewart, I have no idea what these words meant when you put them together and yet I agree with everything you said
@T. Troy Stewart,
makes Hawaiian Sophie look like a De Palma masterpiece.
*snickering loudly*
@T. Troy Stewart,
EXACTLY
@T. Troy Stewart,
You do know that Kanye is pretty much responsible for the genius of the Blueprint original right?
@Dorian G., you know i often wonder why people fail to place Just Blaze’s contributions as high. what song do you hear more than any other off that album…”you don’t know”
just blaze.
kanye’s the bigger star, clearly, and the self promoter and the one who ran with the mantle, but just blaze was as potent (for a time) as kanye.
and even as much as i like “encore”, i love “december 4th” and “psa”. both blaze tracks.
kanye is clearly the champion of hip-hop soul, but i think just blaze’s contributions to the original blueprint were as significant.
@Panama Jackson,
i think just blaze ranks up there with nashim myrick and the 4th disciple as the most underrated producers of hip-hop bangers ever
@Panama Jackson,
Two reasons really,
1. Kanye’s work with the Dynasty album and earlier Roc (Beans and Camron come to mind). There is no way that Jay allows them 2 cats to take control of that album without being inspired by This can’t be life.
2. To the victor goes the spoils. Kanye was/is still making the defining beats of the decade post Blueprint, while Just Blaze largely flamed out to average. So to recap, Kanye is directly responsible for legendary tracks before and after the Blueprint, not to mention the recipient of direct swag jacking by Hov himself (Lucifer, songs with Chris Martin, songs with hipsters like SantIgold…etc)
@Dorian G., gonna have to pump your brakes a little on #1
for a few reasons
1) kanye did one track on the dynasty album, just blaze had 5…not that i dont think jay loved this can’t be life, i find it hard to believe he’s like, kanye delivered this one track for me, he’s clearly the leader i know he can be.
2) just blaze, not kanye, is responsible for the biggest single of cam’s career, “oh boy” which i’m pretty sure jay would have loved to have on the back end b/c i’m pretty sure that jay turned it down initially. prior to purple haze and “down and out” kanye had ONE producerial credit on a cam album. i hardly think that jay was like beanie’s “the truth” is SO hot that kanye not just blaze is the heir apparent.
hell, i’ll bet that just blaze had tracks on the blueprint before kanye got into the room and came with the fire.
now to your second point…you’re right, kanye has become the artist du jour but lets not pretend that just blaze hasn’t had any hits. he had the most memoralbe cuts on the black album, he produced both of Jay’s lead singles on Kingdom Come (and two of the most memorable from that album), most of Freeway’s roc album in 2003, he’s responsible for BREATHE, one of the best beats of this decade, “throwback” off of confessions, two of the best songs on The Game’s initial offering, hell, a single for kanye off of late regristration (touch the sky), etc. those are just the things taht come straight to mind.
kanye is clearly the bigger artist (possibly the biggest out today), but just blaze has done nothing of the sort of flaming out to average as a producer.
hell, he produced “what we do” lol
that alone is worthy of note.
@Panama Jackson,
I should have clarified with my answers.
#1. “i find it hard to believe he’s like, kanye delivered this one track for me, he’s clearly the leader i know he can be.” I think this is almost exactly what happened. “hell, i’ll bet that just blaze had tracks on the blueprint before kanye got into the room and came with the fire. ” But a few years prior no way Hov would feel comfortable going with a song like Heart of the City, or Never Change, which I feel like was a direct shift in the type of tracks he was accepting. Think about it up until that point the biggest 2 hits of his career were Big Pimpin and I just wanna luv you. Not exactly the inspiring soul sampled classic that we look at the Blueprint as today.
#2. I mean average in terms of not being able to flip his producer celebrity like Timberland, Pharrell, Primo, and Pete Rock, when you hear its a (insert name here) track, you have to pause . So I shouldn’t have said average I apologize because he does have an outstanding catalog.
@Dorian G., yeah, back before Kanye became full of himself and started carrying around that blow up doll that he had magically come to life, the dude was all about his craft, now he’s all about over priced sneaks and trying to out metro Bentley Fonzworth or whatever his name is.
@T. Troy Stewart,
shouldn’t that house be built by now?
lmao
I think someone already brought it up but I think there is a topic within this topic and that is can you ever have a trully platonic bestf riend that you are sexually attracted to or have the potential to be attracted to.
As for the topic at hand, it really depends on you the individual. Sure, your SO can be your best friend, hell I dont even have that many good friends but thats cuz its hard to keep p with more than a handful of cats and all there life happenings. If Im not the first to know I am ok with that but you better let me know at some point soon. And spare me the advice you got from your homegirl cuz chances are, I cant stand the fact that she know our bizness anyway.
now back to my other point, can you ever have a platonic friend of the opposite sex? Hell yeah. But can there be any attraction or potential for attraction? Hell Nah.
Look for myself I cannot be great friends with a chick and still have the relationship with my woman/girl that my woman/girl thinks we have. Meaning that I may not beat it up but I will mos def be improper at times (meaning I will do some stuff that she wouldnt like if she were in the room with us). And on the flip side there is no way that everytime I get in a fight with my girl/woman that I am gonna be ok with her runnin to go talk to Derrick St Jock about it (see Eddie Murphy Raw).
@Blacklaw,
I think someone already brought it up but I think there is a topic within this topic and that is can you ever have a trully platonic bestf riend that you are sexually attracted to or have the potential to be attracted to
we discussed this already, but, to paraphrase that entry, hell the f*ck no
Good friends with the Future Chosen One ? Yes. BFF? No.
I actually married my former BFF…NOOOOO. A BFF is not automatically compatible as husband. We had to divorce to save our friendship before we HATED each other. Just the wrong personality types for a relationship.
Major decisions…well if you can’t support your lifestyle on one salary, or on your savings for awhile, then you’re messing up already…as long as I get told the same day or timeframe as the BFF/Boys then I personally don’t care.
@Siobhan Means Woman of Wisdom,
I actually married my former BFF…NOOOOO. A BFF is not automatically compatible as husband. We had to divorce to save our friendship before we HATED each other. Just the wrong personality types for a relationship.
what happened and sh*t?
@The Champ,
Nothing man. We’re military and we didn’t want to get split up when it was time for our next assignment…plus military joint spouses get handpicked assignments so I we worked the system so that NO MATTER WHERE we were sent it would be a base with a major school.
We ended up in NJ and I am taking my last class on my (second) degree at Rutgers.
Unfortunately, he ended up being just Siobhan’s husband and having no ambition for himself in regards to his military career. Well…I can’t really abide a slacker with no goals AT ALL…and being a stay at home husband is a goal BTW.
He resented being in my shadow on our base and I was annoyed by some of his more eccentric behaviors that developed like PAYING for porn. Who does that? Download it for free like I do dammit.
Anyway…we decided our friendship would be DEAD if we stayed together…and we were only going to be married for 5 years anyway so an early out wasn’t a big deal.
Fast forward…I love the new wife, Trish, the baby is adorable and our families are still tight. That is the extremely short version but all is well.
Great question(s) Brethren Jackson. I don’t necessarily think that the significant other has to be the best friend and needs to know everything first. This same debate has caused me trouble with a couple different women. In my mind, a title doesn’t mean you are entitled to know everything fresh off the press that doesn’t directly affect you. Besides, some people want to know stuff just for the sake of knowing. That does neither of us any good.
Oh yeah, dating the best friend doesn’t necessarily equate to a great relationship. Friendship involves a completely different set of compromises compared to a relationship/significant other situation.
Mr. Mister (fiance) is my best friend BUT only because we’ve known each other since we were 14 (round 16 years). he knows all the dirty dirty about me and I about him (mostly, lol). Do I tell him everything first? that would be a solid NOPE; do i discuss everything with him? YUP.
If I were completely left in the dark about a major decision I would be pissed..meaning he didn’t discuss ANYTHING with me at all before he made said decision it wouldn’t matter who he told first, he’d have a mean @ss Taurus on his hands when this news ‘broke’..like if he came home and said “Bay I quite my job, we’re moving to California next Friday”..(say what now?! That would leave me heated.); as opposed to “Bay, you know how we were taking about how much I hate this job and wanted to do something different? Well I’ve been looking a jobs all over and most of the jobs in this field are really big out on the west coast, do you think I should apply?” (latter statement based on actual events, lol)
We are individuals, yin and yang (all that good stuff) that make up this relationship…people forget that. When I look at him I don’t see me, I see him so I know him. He knows me better than anyone outside of my mama and I him but I am not always his first option for a sounding board nor is he for me. I’ve never not known what was going on with him and likewise him with me but sometimes I can’t help him solve stuff, I may be apart of the solution but may not be the ‘sound’ advice that helped him over so I may not be first but I know.
In the Brown Sugar situation he was wrong, wrong, wrong because his wife knew NOTHING about nothing. Marriage is a commitment, one too many folks make that commitment without knowing with whom they are committed.
So people of the VSBdom, does it matter if the significant other isn’t the first to know stuff?
Yes–they need to be the first one to know about anything that’s going on.
Do women view their boyfriends as their best friends?
I don’t…but I guess that’s because I have a BFF of about 20 years, and that’s completely different.
Why does Ciara still have a career?
I’m convinced she musta pulled a Robert Johnson (deal with the devil)…lmao
And more importantly, when did YOU fall in love with hip-hop?
Somewhere round ’84/’85 listening to Run-DMC with my older brother.
@miss t-lee,
Wow you too w/ the Run-DMC
“it’s just natural. Like Black hair in the sunlight” simile much? Are you poet, and know your showing it?:p yeah, um brown sugar is my favorite movie, and I secretly always wanted a bestfriendlover type drama, but all my male bestfriends aren’t that hot. And they guys that claim to be my “friend” and are hot…they just want the cakes. I know. So it kinda takes away the fantasy of gasp! Actually. Having a guy like my personality first, then my body. Eh…that sounded better in my head. Great post btw.
Everybody else already hit all the important aspects of this topic, so I will add onto the fact after watching “The H@e is Mine” clip that A-town put up, If I were Dre, I would’ve jumped out the window – quitting before I talked to my wife would’ve been the LEAST of my problems!
Furthermore, That song fits PERFECTLY into what is on radio rotation now.
@Brotha Tech,
To add, the first time I fell in LOVE with hip hop was prolly after listening to Mos Def’s “Black on Both Sides” album.
@Brotha Tech, i can’t front, i would have loved to hear a full length version of “the h*e is mine”
“I always thought that women were more or less looking to their men as their best friends, which would explain why we should go to them first, whereas men were looking to their women as…their women who we love but rarely want to talk to.
Them’s jokes.”
No They aren’t.
That is all.
@Dante_Alexander, their women who we love but rarely want to talk to.
Ya’ll only don’t want to talk to us when we’re not telling you what ya’ll want to hear (which is usually the truth) lol.
@pgh muse,
I’m sorry that All I want to hear is “I love you”, “Dinner’s Ready” and “Sure, you can put it there”.
Most of the rest of what’s said is largely contrary to everything logical in a man’s head. Both of them.
@Dante_Alexander,
LMMFAO!
Most of the rest of what’s said is largely contrary to everything logical in a man’s head. Both of them.
Douchebag anyone? That’s perfectly fine. Humor the little lady every now and again and you would hear, “I love you.” Dinner would be ready… or something. And she would prolly say yes about putting it in there. That’s pretty logical. You have to give to get
It’s not hard. 
@pgh muse,
I’m just saying… Ladies act as if we’re so fooking complicated, and, at least in my humblest opine, we ain’t.
Unless a dude carries a European Handbag or wears thong sandals for reason other than at the beach, on the way to the shower, or homelessness, the following are all we need to survive (in no particular order):
Sports.
Sexin’.
Alcohol (or weed, or some vice).
Sexin’.
Music.
Sexin’.
Food.
Sexin’.
Notice I never said MONEY. Why? Because we do not require it.
Men would never give a FLYING FUGG about money if it didn’t elevate their statii with women and therefore increase our potential poosay count.
But I digress… Point is, Men and Women never agree on anything but the above mentioned things, and even then, we agree for opposing reasons mostly… We’re all doomed, unless you acknowledge that you’ll never prolly agree, and you act accordingly.
@Dante Alexander,
Awwww… I don’t disagree with you entirely. I don’t think that we’re doomed either, being the glass is 1/2 full person that I am. I understand that men may be very simple creatures to please. And I don’t think that women should look to their partners to be their everything either. However, if the goal is a mutually beneficial relationship, a man is going to have to make an effort to give to his partner, in ways that he maybe never had to before. And this not a man who wears a handbag either – i’m talking normal heterosexual homosapiens. And I don’t know any women who are worth wifing who will settle for less.
The only reason it ever matters that a friend hears news before the significant other is when the friend is of the opposite sex. It matters with every piece of news for a woman, and only some news for a man. If a dude tells his Hawaiian Silky-sporting friend any news at all, like he won NCAA tourney office pool at work, before he tells his lady, she will be pissed. But if a woman tells some dude that she found some new eye shadow at Sephora, her man will not give one iota of a f*ck.
Significant others are only best friends if they started off as friends first and long-term. If it started off as her looking to get married and him looking for a$$, they will never be best friends. Though they may be each other’s only true friend.
As for hip hop, I’ve liked it ever since I can remember. But hearing Eric B & Rakim’s “Mahogany” for the first time was when I fell in love with it. And hearing Master P’s “Make’em Say Unnngh!” made me fall OUT of love with it.
@ForNot, “her man will not give one iota of a f*ck.”
LMAO!!!!! Truth!
Upon 2nd and 3rd listen, that album is terrible. At first I said it was mediocre but it saddens me. Its worse than Kingdom Come, at least he did the 7 city tour for that one, hopefully we get similar treatment next week.
@Dorian G.,
My homeboy last night called it Kingdom Come 2…lol
You heard that new Raekwon? I’m jamming it now…
@miss t-lee,
OB4CL2 is out now?
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja,
Officially next week 9/8… leaks are all over the place though.
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja, yeah, that joint leakd something horrible.
i aint saying where you can find it…but umm…
https://smokingsection.rawkus.com
in the comments section of one of them posts up there…
@miss t-lee, You heard that new Raekwon?
Sooo excited about this!!!
@pgh muse,
I’m loving Surgical Gloves and 10 Bricks.
@miss t-lee,
Going to find it now…
@miss t-lee,
WHY MUST I CRYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! JESUS BE SOME MEDIA PLAYER OR SOMETHING.
@WuDaMan,
Sucks for you…lol
@miss t-lee,
If you had a colck I’d punch you in it… lol
@ WuDaMan ,
Bring it.
*steps back
@Dorian G., i’d definitely put this album on kingdom come levels. except i think i like kingdom come more…from a beat perspective.
and “haters” might possibly be the worst song of jay’s career. and this is a career that includes such lowlights as “i know what girls like” and every song he’s ever done with beyonce on his albums (not hers b/c motherf*cking “upgrade u” was that crack) oh yeah, and that terrible kanye joint with john legend on kingdom come…and that song with sterling something on kingdome come…
you know what, i take back what i said about kingdom come. it wasn’t very good.
@Panama Jackson,
Whats funny is that I saw the title “Haters” and thought it was a remix of the Lil Wayne mixtape track with the same title, maybe even featuring Weezy. Weezy’s haters is straight crack, Hov’s is basura.
So people of the VSBdom, does it matter if the significant other isn’t the first to know stuff? Does that say anything about the relationship?
I don’t think it matters if the SO is the first to know something as long as they learn in same timeframe as everyone else. I dealt with this before. I told my homeboy about a new job before I told my ex. She was upset about that. Me and my homeboy was going through similar ish so he was the first person I contacted when I found out. I still don’t know why she was upset. She was in her “I don’t care about the relationship” phase so why would you be upset if I didn’t tell you first. I don’t think it says anything about the relationship. I do think some women expect too much in this aspect. They expect a man to be their own homie/lover/friend/comedian/mechanic/gay friend/chef/gangster/intellectual. I think it only says something about the relationship if there is a HUGE decision being made that affects the both of you and you are not communicating that to your SO.
The Blueprint 3 is hardly garbage and Only Built for Cuban Linx pt. 2 is a banger.
@inakeS,
the second part of your statement is 100 percent true. it might be my fav wu-album since supreme clientele
@The Champ, i will have to listen to this b/c that’s a might strong statement.
@The Champ,
I take it you weren’t feeling Fishscale?
@miss t-lee,
i loved fishscale. i just think this is better. while fishscale was more of a ghostface album, rae’s sh*t is more wu. even if rza didnt executive produce it, it sounds like some sh*t that could have been made in 1999
@The Champ,
“rae’s sh*t is more wu.”
I can feel that. Part 2 has almost all of them on the album on one song or another…it’s beautiful.
I’m glad I had to wait, and I’m glad it’s not wacktacular…lol
LOL..I still like Venus vs Mars
Anyway alot of folk are in relationships with people they wouldn’t consider a friend , just an S/O but not necessarily a friend and def not a best one….I see that all the time.
Now for me I prefer to befriend a person first, before they become anything more to me,knowing they LIKE me as well as LOVE me as a person ….. I would prefer my future husband be my best friend………I’d like that kind of bond based on mutual admiration, respect, and trust to be the foundation of our thing, so that when we do go thru the peaks and valleys and changes etc…the structure of our thang will remain and we’ll rock steady….I think that can happen with the the right two folks, both of the same mind in these regards….
I”d say it was offcially around 83, when Cindafella and Nightmares and U be illin were out……and certified and sealed ’85, ’86 with “The Show” and “Paid in full” etc……
@OrangeStar616, uhhhh, none of that stuff dropped before ’86. Dana Dane was ’87.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, LMAO……… mmmmmm I had a mixtape from down south one my cousins gave me that turned me out, and I was still in elementary bout 8 or 9…. I know cause my grade and the year coincided…..I heard those tracks way before they were officially released..thanks for checking tho!
“as a dude, my first inclination would probably be to go straight to my boys with big news”
This is cool between birth and the age of 21. After 21 it’s suspect (ghey.)
Of course there are things that you may not tell your SO and only tell your friends. But if you’re not rushing home to make sure that your SO is the first to hear about your major life changes and accomplishments then I believe that there’s trouble in paradise (maybe the SO isn’t very supportive.) Or there soon will be.
Whether the best friend was a woman or man I would eventually start feeling left out and less-than-important (jealous.)
@Ms. Hall, This is cool between birth and the age of 21. After 21 it’s suspect (ghey.)
hahahaha. I concur. Or very very immature.
@Ms. Hall,
This is cool between birth and the age of 21. After 21 it’s suspect (ghey.)
Why does a dude have to be suspect if he does this? Somethings you will be able to communicate better to your boys than your woman. I understand that somethings my woman is not going to talk to me about because frankly I’m not a woman or it may not be in my interests.
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja,
“Why does a dude have to be suspect if he does this? ”
…that’s what I was thinking. Especially if that friends expertise (say Mechanical Engineering) is nothing I know about..*shrugs*
@Smiley Face,
Exactly, I am an engineer and finding women that can discuss, lean philosophy, cutting forces, and so on is few and far b/w.
@Smiley Face,
I did say that there are some things you may not discuss with your SO because your friends understand better. However if it is a major milestone in your life or an amazing accomplishment it is suspect (IMO) that you wouldn’t want to share that with you SO, first.
You are right. It isn’t fair to call a man gay based on just this type of behavior. That is why I also stated that a man running to his homeboys first with big news may be a sign that his woman is less than supportive of his endeavors.
While making your BF the first to know doesn’t neccesarily mean that anything is wrong with you, it is a sign that there are obviously problems in the relationship.
IMO, of course.
@Ms. Hall,
but see I’m still hinkty about that. i guess every relationship is unique because it still doesn’t bother me. he discusses everything with me so i don’t have a problem with not knowing things first, like i said as long as i know, we cool.
i am totally biased with this subject because I’ve never not been in the know so i can only base my responses on how Mr Mister and I relate with each other. i’m not always the first to know but I do know, decisions aren’t made without me knowing.
@Humble_One aka Field Ninja,
hmmmmmm. I really think it depends on the depth of the relationship. If you and ur SO are just kinda boyfriend and girlfriend and just hanging out with no plans to marry or have kids or anything like that… then it’s ok. But if you are in a serious commited relationship – imo, all major decisions should be discussed with your SO – and probably will be prior to the decision being made anyway (several grueling times)… and if you WANT to talk to your friends b4 you WANT to talk to your SO there may be trouble in paradise. I’m not talking about when he/she is just on your last nerve and you’re being stank and not talking to them. I mean you really just don’t want to tell them shyt. There’s a problem in that relationship.
@Ms. Hall, This is cool between birth and the age of 21. After 21 it’s suspect (ghey.)
yeah, no.
@Panama Jackson,
No, deez. ;-P
i saw brown sugar when i was still living in Atlanta, two weeks before i moved to los angeles. so, i had a different interpretation of it then. i remember thinking then that the movie spoke to me. there was so much opportunity on the horizon. i tried to rewatch a few years later, but it didn’t have the same effect.
when did i first fall in love with hip hop? i don’t know. i’m a hip hop retard.
as far as best friends…my bestest friends are female. so, i don’t think i’ll have this problem. i do seem to date men that have a lot of female friends, but they usually embrace me into the crew. i had one experience where a dude i dated had a female friend who had weird boundaries. she would change in front of us, run around the house with no bra on, etc. they shared all their deepest darkest secrets with one another-FIRST. to this day, i think they played naked hide and seek at least once. years after we broke up, i found out that she later stole his identity and ran his credit into the gutter. i guess they were a little too close.
@Miss Patterson,
oooh so wrong. Sounds like he got scammed
@Miss Patterson,
ohh sakanna mae you crack me up
I liked Venus vs. Mars. I liked the vibe. As a married man, I could relate.
@Big Man,
lol, damn. if being married means you start being able to relate to sh*tty music, maybe i need to re-think my stance
@The Champ, LMAO.
man that’s some truth right there.
@Panama Jackson,
Y’all are some funny cats, but honestly I don’t see the big problem with the song. I thought it was interesting and I liked how he used all those different metaphors to discuss the basic differences between men and women. I mean, it wasn’t earth shattering, but it wasn’t hot garbage either. I was entertained.
I fell in love w/ Hip Hop listening to “It’s Tricky” by Run DMC. Me n my 2nd cousin rolled up to McDaniells bumpin that in his new ride…. need I say more?!!!
I have been wondering about some of this stuff too Panama. Like if you in Love you supposed to do something different than if you’re not? Like Love is an attitude adjustment. I don’t know if there is some sort of derived litmust indicative deportment attached. I can & but I wanna hear from the people.
@WuDaMan,
“Like if you in Love you supposed to do something different than if you’re not? Like Love is an attitude adjustment. I don’t know if there is some sort of derived litmust indicative deportment attached. I can & but I wanna hear from the people.”
Good statement/question…one I say/ask all the time. Why do folk think that love changes who a person is intrinsically? Love may change they way they act/react but not who they are and what they think. Mr Mister irks me to no end sometimes with his stance on some things but I’ve known for 16 years that’s who he is, love doesn’t change that.
@Smiley Face,
I forget who said it but ever since I heard it, it has become a mantra: “When someone shows you who you are, believe them the first time.”
@Smiley Face, Who asked you to come over here inducing the verclemption circa “I’ve known for 16 years that’s who he is, love doesn’t change that.” Cuz I’m drawing that yall still together. Oh yeah I asked for it.
@WuDaMan, This is an interesting question. And personally, I think that love should make you a better person. And I’m talking about long-term Let’s get married love. It’s kinda like having kids… you become patient because you have to or you’ll fcuk ur kids up. You work on being more kind, compassionate, thoughtful, considerate – all those things. If not you’ll fcuk your relationship up. Some people may not be compatible. But I also think people fall in love for a reason…
@pgh muse, I just got an idea from what I put up in response to Panama. If you begging someone to be what they aren’t. They not the “Love” you thought they were. And if they are like your referencing, self improvement is a part of everyone and anyone. I guess what I’m saying is, Love it’s who you are not something you do.
@WuDaMan, I have been wondering about some of this stuff too Panama. Like if you in Love you supposed to do something different than if you’re not? Like Love is an attitude adjustment. I don’t know if there is some sort of derived litmust indicative deportment attached. I can & but I wanna hear from the people.
damn that’s a good question. and though i think the rational answer is that love shouldn’t change what you do as a person necessarily, the fact is people attach all kinds of expectations to love that they wouldnt hold to somebody they dont love. a long time ago i remember having this convo with a chick i was just dating at the time, for maybe, 2 months.
she was holding me to a higher standard than she was holding her good friends and i was likie…”you just met me. how the hell do you expect more out of me than you do out of people you’ve known your whole life…?”
never did get an answer.
@Panama Jackson,
Like that Toni Braxton song from the Boomerang soundtract. Love shoulda brought you home last night, You shoulda been with me… If you cared anything for me…
@WuDaMan, Then again R&B is a lieing devil
I’m sorry, but I didn’t think Aaliyah was all that tough in the singing game. She had a couple good songs but she really got more famous because she died.
@Anger Management,
You’re both right and wrong. While she wasn’t a mega star by anymeans, the early 2000′s and her relationship with Timbo and Missy were tailor made for her to open the decade as the dominant female r&b personality. I mean once that happens who knows how the rest of it plays out.
@Dorian G.,
at the time of aaliyah’s death, beyonce was coming off of “survivor” (which sold 10 million copies), was starring in that sh*tty rapera “carmen”, and had been cast in the new austin powers movie.
point being, even if aaliyah never gets on that plane, she’s still far from the dominant r&b personality.
@The Champ,
Aaliyah already had a LEAD in a major motion picture. Carmen was only shown on MTV, and Destiny’s Child sold survivor, I couldn’t tell you anything about Beyonce the soloist in 2001. What I’m saying is the gap is closer than you would think. Not to mention Aaliyah had the inside track on the Roc (which would have opened the roster to her), combine that with the bangers Missy put out from 2002-2005, and Timbo essentially saving all his A+ work for “baby girl”, I think a legitimate argument could be made that we would have had a rivalry in the 2000′s not seen since Diana and Patti went at it in the late 70′s/early 80′s
@Dorian G.,
i see what you’re saying, but i still don’t agree. i wouldn’t go as far as to call her gimmicky, but i always looked at aaliyah as someone who got by on unique style more than actual talent, and i think she would have eventually fizzed out/fallen off.
besides, beyonce did to the r&b game this decade what usain bolt is doing on the track, and i don’t think anyone would have been able to compete with that.
I love Brown Sugar but u made alot of good points. I think in the case of whether I agree with the whole Dre/Sidney relationship, I think I would be pissed if I were Dre’s wive, no-so-much as jealousity but the fact that they were so close & at one point dated. But I think it would have to go both ways; if I can’t have a straight man as my BFF, then the same goes for you. B/c unless the chick is butch & gay, you can’t tell me that you & your girl BFF were never attracted to each other or had feelings/etc. I think it’s a bit different for women in the sense that we could have a straight male BFF and not be attracted to him, (can’t speak for them but mainly myself) I would hope my ex considers me his female BFF b/c we were together for so long (over 4 years) so its only natural but he did alot of stuff with his male BFF’s that he would not do/or go with me simply b/c I was his girl (lol) and although I considered him my male BFF, there was alot I would tell my girls that I wouldn’t say to him…
As far as Ciara goes, (lmao) I think she’s ok as a performer I actually like some of her songs, but couldn’t you say the same about Beyonce, and some of these other chicks in the game who aren’t on Whitney Houston (back in the day) or Mariah Carey’s level…nowadays it doesn’t matter if you can sing, all that matters is that you can perform, and sell out concerts & sell the most CDs lol
Yeah, I don’t think you can have a best friend of the opposite sex period but especially if you’re in a relationship. It just makes matters worse like Officer Ricky said you don’t want some chick telling you about your man’s unhappiness. That sets off some alarms!
About the same black movies being played read this article :
http://www.michelle-huxtable.com/2009/08/27/whats-really-going-on/
Aaliyah had something these other girls don’t have these days though – likability. Everybody loved Aaliyah. Maybe my memory is failing me but I don’t remember too many haters on her block. People constantly talk about Ciara or Beyonce negatively.
Aaliyah may not have been able to saaang like Beyonce but I think she would have outlasted her.
Whether your BFF is a man or a woman..once you are married…he/she is supposed to be the #1 BFF.
If you just so happen to see your long time BFF before you saw your wife/husband and just started spillin’ then…that’s one thing. But to purposely go to the long time BFF and not your spouse who is supposed to be your top dawg/dawgette……there is no marriage.