Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

Who The F**k Is This, Callin’ Me At 546 In The Morning: The Breakup

Girl, I don't want no scrubs either! What's a scrub? Giiiiiirl a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Mmhmm. I know right. No more waterfalls for him. Creep.

Last week, I woke up to a missed phone call from a homegirl of mine. Now, I wake up at 6am and generally go to sleep around midnight. Which means that this call either came in during booty call hours or “something bad happened” hours.

This particular call came in at 506am. Which is “something bad happened” hours. Except I looked at the name on the caller ID and realized two things:

1. She’s not family or apart of my closest immediate circle of friends so she’s likely not calling me about a tragedy.

2. This isn’t somebody I’ve talked to on the phone in quite some time but still considers me a good friend.

I knew immediately that given who it was, she must have had an issue with her boyfriend and it was bad enough to completely disregard all rules of decorum and cause her to call me at 5 motherf*cking AM. One thing I’ve learned about women over time is that when something happens, you all HAVE to speak on it. To somebody. Somebody HAS to listen to it. It can’t stay in your head or you’ll die. Or at least be mostly dead on some Princess Bride steez. The worst part is, when I called her back, she told me that she waited to call me.

Which means that this ninja had been going through a slow death WAITING to call me to talk to me about what had happened with her and her boyfriend and 5am was the point she couldn’t take it anymore. Interestingly, I’m one of them guys that often gets those phone calls from his boobed friends. I can’t tell you how many early morning phone calls I’ve received from homegirls of mine sobbing through the phone. Odd since it’s not like I’m particularly encouraging at 4, 5, or 6am. In fact, I’m usually trying to figure out the best way to get you OFF the phone since, well, the facts of this case aren’t going to change so discussing this at noon won’t really change much.

Guys don’t do this. It’s not that we won’t call our boys to tell him that we broke up, but we definitely ain’t calling the homey at 5am to tell him. We’ll sleep it off and tell the homeys later. See, our after-breakup decorum is different.

So here are some after breakup methods of men and women:

Men –

1) Go the strip club

I don’t know what it is about seeing T & A after a breakup that makes us feel better…EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING. Men are some odd ducks. I got a homeboy who cheated on his girl so much (we all found out later) that going to a strip club was nothing short of ironic.

2) Go the reg’lur club and spend way more money than we should

Guys are escapist in nature. Something bad happens personally, we go straight for temporary distractions. I’ve worked at the club on nights when we had “Freedom Parties” for dudes who just got single. Except the newly-single dude never looked as happy as his boys seemed. Which means his boys were single and he just lost his woman. Menfolks, believe it or not, do not like losing our women.

3) Try to fall into some new tang

If women ever need proof of how easy it is for men to get some stank, the after-breakup-head-clearing-smang is proof. Either there is a union out there of women whose specific job is to be the rebound smangee or sympathy is the best aphrodisiac EVER.

Notice very few of these have anything to do with talking it out. That happens muuuuuuuuch later in manworld. We’re more destructive obviously.

Women –

1) Call somebody immediately after the breakup occurs, even if that means 3am

Anybody ever notice that breakups never happen at convenient hours? It’s always mad late which sucks for the friends of the woman because she’s going to call SOMEBODY (as alluded to before).  Men and women both do this, but women in greater number; a pissed off woman doesn’t care about your inconvenience. You don’t answer the phone at midnight and she’s gonna call until you do even if that means she has to stay up all night. Word to the wise evil men out there: by not answering the phone when your pissed off girl calls, you are DIRECTLY responsible for ruining somebody else’s evening. Because that scorned woman is GOING to call somebody until somebody answers. She might start calling hospitals. Synagogues. Your mama’s house. Your grandma’s house. Your friend’s houses. If she has actually landline phone numbers…she’ll use those instead of cells. Then you’ll have MORE pissed off people. Just answer the damn phone.

2) Call homegirls together to talk about it, usually in bash-that-man-and-uplift-your-girl situation

Not that there’s anything wrong with this. This party is even better if it includes the “To The Left Mixtape”, a playlist full of uplifting songs for women, by women like “Irreplaceable” “Best Thing I Never Had” “Hit ‘Em Up Style” “Down For My Ni**as” “Marvin’s Room” and in a surprising twist of irony, “Best I Ever Had”. You know, Drake makes theme music for broken up women.

3) Make some dramatic change

Bulldoze a home. Cut her hair. Move to Africa with Nas and T-Boz. Go back to get another PhD in Environmental Justice with a concentration in Lower-Income Communities and Guam. Collect seashells by the seashore then write a coffee-table book. Start a company.

Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy. While most men do great things in hopes of impressing a woman, I think the only man to do something great because of a break up was Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups? What were YOUR methods of dealing? Let’s heal today. It’s Monday.


VSB Family Note: Whether you all know it or not, we have a lot of talented individuals doing various things frequenting and commenting on VSB. One of those individuals, commenter Eazy, recently released his third album, Moonlighter’s Mindstate, which features the first ever VSB Interlude. Yes, we got a shoutout on somebody’s album. Head on over to his bandcamp page and get the man’s album for free and support the VSB community.

Filed Under: ,
Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • alana

    Personally, i go to the gym and lose my mind! I get super happy and confident after working out.

  • jrollerson

    “Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy” Sad, but true. Lol

  • WonderWoman

    I get dressed and make sure Im looking extra good, get the car washed, the hair/nails done and run all my errands. I come back with a few new phone numbers I never call. Guess I have to make sure I still got it, and if I run into my ex he cant say he saw me looking broke down since the break up! The only person I would call ot talk about it would by my sister, maybe mom if I cant reach my sister. I never call a guy friend with that kind of emotional drama.

  • Malik

    I agree on the escapism tip. I usually escape by myself though. Throw on It’s Dark and Hell is Hot and Flesh of My Flesh, Blood on My Blood and I’m gone for the duration of the day. Or in my more pathetic moments I’ve thrown on Mos Def’s U R the One.

  • Sir Fariku

    I think you ve pretty much covered what a regular dude will do after a break-up but then you have the Emo dude. Who will call up his best female friend to talk about his break up. This might lead to a smang or two and he falls into another relationship. The Emo dude might also do something drastic like write a blogpost whitewashing his ex. It happens. Generally the best cure for a break is to fall into a sea of that which should not be named but loved or do some zen new age spiritual cleansing mambo. Your choice.

  • Cheekie

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA @ the pic caption. Once again, you come correct with your pun-gasms. Yes, punny double entendre for that arse.

    Heh, when I chopped off my creamy crack hurr, this dude in my work building IMMEDIATELY asked, “ok, what dude pissed you off?” -_______- LOL, it’s a valid question, but not in my case. I just wanted my curls. Who run the world? Curls.

    “Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups?”

    Basketball player and basketball wife. Basketball Wife – Get reality show. Basketball Player: Get a gar order.

  • Andi

    I’m definitely with you on the number three for women. It’s like I feel like I have to succeed on some massive scale just to prove whoever did me wrong that I’m not as worthless as they made me feel.

    And cosign on number two. I am little Miss “Girl-you-are-so-special-and-wonderful-and-perfect-he-is-regretting-this-so-much-right-now.” I think I’m just programmed or something.

    I dunno how other folks deal with breakups. I don’t do them very well so I just try to avoid them lol.

  • Tes

    Let’s see…the one I had actually broke up with me at 3 am or so when we had class the next morning; I ain’t have time to “grieve,” didn’t want/need to cry or vent, especially when I knew he’d regret it soon enough. So I just went to school the next day like nothing happened. Everyone was like “how’s your boyfriend?” teasing and whatnot and in all seriousness I would say “I don’t have one anymore. You gonna eat those chips?” He later came by and apologized in front of everyone and asked me back, to which I politely declined. I think if I’d have liked him, it may have gone a lot different.

    Break up decorum for people dealing with me usually means not calling me about it between midnight and 6 am, cause I wouldn’t have a pocketful of damns to give at that point. Also, if it’s something I told you would happen, or something you knew could happen and said “But Tes, that would never happen to me!” you get no sympathy and I most likely will walk away in the middle of the whole conversation.

  • AfroPetite

    I do tend to be extremely productive post-break up now that I think about it. Then I go through a short spell of non stop cooking. Food is my friend in times of distress =)

  • Loving Me

    Maybe I’m just weird but I’m more prone to doing the things on the guy list after a breakup (minus the strip club cause man strippers are gross and woman strippers don’t impress me) but I usually have to work things out myself with drinks, more drinks and hopefully non platonic male company before calling my girlfriends and ex bashing….

    and my post breakup playlist is more raunchy club songs than female empowerment for some reason

    lmao at “songs for women, by women” including Drake

More Like This