Who The F**k Is This, Callin’ Me At 546 In The Morning: The Breakup

Girl, I don't want no scrubs either! What's a scrub? Giiiiiirl a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Mmhmm. I know right. No more waterfalls for him. Creep.

Last week, I woke up to a missed phone call from a homegirl of mine. Now, I wake up at 6am and generally go to sleep around midnight. Which means that this call either came in during booty call hours or “something bad happened” hours.

This particular call came in at 506am. Which is “something bad happened” hours. Except I looked at the name on the caller ID and realized two things:

1. She’s not family or apart of my closest immediate circle of friends so she’s likely not calling me about a tragedy.

2. This isn’t somebody I’ve talked to on the phone in quite some time but still considers me a good friend.

I knew immediately that given who it was, she must have had an issue with her boyfriend and it was bad enough to completely disregard all rules of decorum and cause her to call me at 5 motherf*cking AM. One thing I’ve learned about women over time is that when something happens, you all HAVE to speak on it. To somebody. Somebody HAS to listen to it. It can’t stay in your head or you’ll die. Or at least be mostly dead on some Princess Bride steez. The worst part is, when I called her back, she told me that she waited to call me.

Which means that this ninja had been going through a slow death WAITING to call me to talk to me about what had happened with her and her boyfriend and 5am was the point she couldn’t take it anymore. Interestingly, I’m one of them guys that often gets those phone calls from his boobed friends. I can’t tell you how many early morning phone calls I’ve received from homegirls of mine sobbing through the phone. Odd since it’s not like I’m particularly encouraging at 4, 5, or 6am. In fact, I’m usually trying to figure out the best way to get you OFF the phone since, well, the facts of this case aren’t going to change so discussing this at noon won’t really change much.

Guys don’t do this. It’s not that we won’t call our boys to tell him that we broke up, but we definitely ain’t calling the homey at 5am to tell him. We’ll sleep it off and tell the homeys later. See, our after-breakup decorum is different.

So here are some after breakup methods of men and women:

Men -

1) Go the strip club

I don’t know what it is about seeing T & A after a breakup that makes us feel better…EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING. Men are some odd ducks. I got a homeboy who cheated on his girl so much (we all found out later) that going to a strip club was nothing short of ironic.

2) Go the reg’lur club and spend way more money than we should

Guys are escapist in nature. Something bad happens personally, we go straight for temporary distractions. I’ve worked at the club on nights when we had “Freedom Parties” for dudes who just got single. Except the newly-single dude never looked as happy as his boys seemed. Which means his boys were single and he just lost his woman. Menfolks, believe it or not, do not like losing our women.

3) Try to fall into some new tang

If women ever need proof of how easy it is for men to get some stank, the after-breakup-head-clearing-smang is proof. Either there is a union out there of women whose specific job is to be the rebound smangee or sympathy is the best aphrodisiac EVER.

Notice very few of these have anything to do with talking it out. That happens muuuuuuuuch later in manworld. We’re more destructive obviously.

Women -

1) Call somebody immediately after the breakup occurs, even if that means 3am

Anybody ever notice that breakups never happen at convenient hours? It’s always mad late which sucks for the friends of the woman because she’s going to call SOMEBODY (as alluded to before).  Men and women both do this, but women in greater number; a pissed off woman doesn’t care about your inconvenience. You don’t answer the phone at midnight and she’s gonna call until you do even if that means she has to stay up all night. Word to the wise evil men out there: by not answering the phone when your pissed off girl calls, you are DIRECTLY responsible for ruining somebody else’s evening. Because that scorned woman is GOING to call somebody until somebody answers. She might start calling hospitals. Synagogues. Your mama’s house. Your grandma’s house. Your friend’s houses. If she has actually landline phone numbers…she’ll use those instead of cells. Then you’ll have MORE pissed off people. Just answer the damn phone.

2) Call homegirls together to talk about it, usually in bash-that-man-and-uplift-your-girl situation

Not that there’s anything wrong with this. This party is even better if it includes the “To The Left Mixtape”, a playlist full of uplifting songs for women, by women like “Irreplaceable” “Best Thing I Never Had” “Hit ‘Em Up Style” “Down For My Ni**as” “Marvin’s Room” and in a surprising twist of irony, “Best I Ever Had”. You know, Drake makes theme music for broken up women.

3) Make some dramatic change

Bulldoze a home. Cut her hair. Move to Africa with Nas and T-Boz. Go back to get another PhD in Environmental Justice with a concentration in Lower-Income Communities and Guam. Collect seashells by the seashore then write a coffee-table book. Start a company.

Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy. While most men do great things in hopes of impressing a woman, I think the only man to do something great because of a break up was Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups? What were YOUR methods of dealing? Let’s heal today. It’s Monday.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HEALERMAN, PANAMA! aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

VSB Family Note: Whether you all know it or not, we have a lot of talented individuals doing various things frequenting and commenting on VSB. One of those individuals, commenter Eazy, recently released his third album, Moonlighter’s Mindstate, which features the first ever VSB Interlude. Yes, we got a shoutout on somebody’s album. Head on over to his bandcamp page and get the man’s album for free and support the VSB community.

  • http://www.twitter.com/intnserndmnss alana

    Personally, i go to the gym and lose my mind! I get super happy and confident after working out.

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      WORD!!

      • http://www.twitter.com/intnserndmnss alana

        To mama cheeks!

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Yup! She is quite the gym rat. ;)

    • nillalatte

      +1, I put in extra reps and drain it out of me in sweat. It’s amazing how many more sets and reps you can do when you are working someone out of your system!

      • http://www.twitter.com/intnserndmnss alana

        Chiiiiiiile yes!

    • sol

      Cosign. Last major drama in my life resulted in my fastest marathon run and the best nights sleep i had in a while. The great thing about it is its not a short term distraction, really pushing your body to the limits pushes all the emotion out of my head for good.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/_chunk_ chunk

      Yep… 2 workouts a day until that MF is outta my head. Works every time.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      now do you STAY in the gym losing your mind or is this a one time “get that frustration out and be focused” joint.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        She stay in the gym. Yelp told me.

      • I was wondering….

        For me it’s STAY in the gym losing my mind. I always get extra focused after a break up. I lost 40+ lbs after a break up once. I just ended a relationship in May…..promotion in July, started working on my Master’s this month. I think the finality of the situation makes me reevaluate myself and I always figure out some things that I want to change about me….

        • Please, No Photos

          Could the break up have been avoided if you had focused on those post-breakup accomplishments during the relationship?

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            In retrosepct- no. We probably would have broken up sooner, LOL.

          • I was wondering….

            I’m going to say no, because while we are individuals, a relationship takes work from both parties to make it work. If both parties aren’t willing to constantly work on bettering themselves and building the relationship as a collective unit, the relationship will wither away and eventually end. Just my thoughts on my defunct relationships….

      • http://www.dedicatedtotheBlackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

        I have to be honest and say deep down inside I hope (I don’t make an effort) I run into him looking extra good or run into his homeboys looking extra good knowing they will run tell dat! I don’t want him back and don’t need the regret…I just like the looks I get and I would hate for an ex to see me looking busted and think for a second it’s because we broke up.

  • jrollerson

    “Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy” Sad, but true. Lol

    • essence

      “Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy” Sad, but true. Lol

      Co-sign!! within 2 months after I got out of a 5 year relationship I cut my hair, bought a brand new car and went back to school for my MBA lol. Shoot, although relationships can be a good thing, they can be very time consuming. Once you’re single you truly have time to reflect and think about what you want and where you want to go in life.

  • http://www.dedicatedtotheBlackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

    I get dressed and make sure Im looking extra good, get the car washed, the hair/nails done and run all my errands. I come back with a few new phone numbers I never call. Guess I have to make sure I still got it, and if I run into my ex he cant say he saw me looking broke down since the break up! The only person I would call ot talk about it would by my sister, maybe mom if I cant reach my sister. I never call a guy friend with that kind of emotional drama.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      here’s a question i have for ladies: so how much of an effort do you all make to ensure that your ex sees you looking “hot” at some point? some effort? a lot? a little?

      i’ve heard various incarnations, both here and the real world, of women hoping that their ex will see them looking like a 5-star chick. which okay. except, how does that register for you all? is it this belief that he will know what he’s “lost” and have some regret?

      i’ve learned that some cats do indeed simp out, however, i wonder if the reaction you hope to get is the one that you actually get. just curious. cuz, ya know, unless he calls you to tell you…how would you even know?

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        “except, how does that register for you all? is it this belief that he will know what he’s “lost” and have some regret?”

        For me, him seeing me looking NOT broke down trumps him “knowing what he’s lost” if that makes any sense. I make the extra effort to make sure he knows I didn’t give up on life and ish. Don’t wanna give him the satisfaction. Basically, I want him to be a Rolling Stone.

      • http://www.SpecterMagazine.com Ashley Ford

        Well, my first Ex ended up being gay, so I didn’t strut around for him to see me and want me back as much as I went shopping with him so he could help me get my ish together. My second Ex was lucky he had my the first go round. I had to assume he already knew I was out of his cute-egory.

      • http://www.greenafrodiva.com Green Afro Diva

        I think that’s more for our benefit than his. Just the fact that we are not going to let the situation get us down and knowing that there’s something out there better for us, certainly that get’s me through. I wouldn’t dare let my ex see me looking broke down and pitiful and If he feels like he’s missing out, then it’s a bonus for me. But it’s not for his benefit at all

      • nillalatte

        I don’t go out of my way to be seen, but I ran into my ex at the same place and I was looking good (& felt it), hair grown and flowing, happy, and enjoying my company, my life. My ex just stood there and stared. I went on about my business.

        Agree with the not seeing me brown down, upset, pitful…all that. Life goes on.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        To answer your question, Panama, after one particular break up, he purposefully found me & said hello to me then commented that I looked good. His body language was the same as I knew him to have when he thinks a woman looks beautiful and sexy. ( I once watched him give me that look when he saw me & introduced me to his girlfriend. Later I observed him wrap his arms around his girlfriend and she tensed up and broke out of his hug. The next day she dumped him. ) This is why many men & women can’t be friends with someone they used to know & connect with very biblically. Some can. Some could care less on what the ex thinks of them post-breakup

        That’s how I knew.

      • http://www.dedicatedtotheBlackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

        I have to be honest and say deep down inside I hope (I don’t make an effort) I run into him looking extra good or run into his homeboys looking extra good and knowing they will run tell dat! I don’t want him back and don’t need the regret…I just like the looks I get and I would hate for an ex to see me looking busted and think for a second it’s because we broke up.

    • jay

      Amen sister. Can’t imagine putting that kind of emotional drama on someone else. I didn’t have the urge to call anyone immediately after either…Although I did smash up his fav DVDs and some other gifts he gave*hangs head in shame* My friend knocked on the door -mid DVD smashing – asking for a tin opener (random, I know) saw the mess, so I HAD to explain. But otherwise, it’s not really my style.

      Also, I always feel, even when things aren’t my fault, that I am somehow responsible…and it annoys me when people tell me it’s not and start firing up the “Best thing he never had” anthems

    • http://www.dedicatedtotheBlackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

      Dang! Posted this in the wrong place…please disregard…thank you kindly!

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    I agree on the escapism tip. I usually escape by myself though. Throw on It’s Dark and Hell is Hot and Flesh of My Flesh, Blood on My Blood and I’m gone for the duration of the day. Or in my more pathetic moments I’ve thrown on Mos Def’s U R the One.

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      So…no ‘Marvin’s Room’ then? :)

      DMX ftw btw

      • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        One of my songs is Goodie MoB “Cell Therapy.” Perfect escapism.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          Tamia “Smile” and Mariah Carey “Breakdown” are generally enough to keep me gloomy for a whole night. Those two songs alone. During my last one I made a break-up playlist and let it run.

          • essence

            @WIP- Yes!! “Breakdown” was on heavy rotation for me and so was Alicia Keys’ “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart.” That song had just came out when we broke up and I swear Alicia released that song for me cuz everytime it came on it gave me strength to not breakdown or call my ex crying.
            #songsthatarethesoundtracktomylife

      • KneeCee

        I saw Magnolia’s Room and thought “not sure if this Anthony Hamilton’s song is the way to go but…to each her own.

        #backingradschool #dontmindme

    • Todd

      So you’re either super-depressed or super-angry post-breakup, eh? Wow.

      • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

        Meh. No one has seen me at my highest highs or my lowest lows. I learned a long time ago how to keep my emotions to myself.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          Big K.R.I.T. teaches us that life ain’t nothin’ but an EQ of highs and lows. I just felt like sharing that.

          • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

            I still haven’t listened to Big K.R.I.T. yet, but this has convinced me to give him a spin.

          • Rewind

            Any Big K.R.I.T mention is an automatic win.

            Man law.

  • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

    I think you ve pretty much covered what a regular dude will do after a break-up but then you have the Emo dude. Who will call up his best female friend to talk about his break up. This might lead to a smang or two and he falls into another relationship. The Emo dude might also do something drastic like write a blogpost whitewashing his ex. It happens. Generally the best cure for a break is to fall into a sea of that which should not be named but loved or do some zen new age spiritual cleansing mambo. Your choice.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      You know..I thought about discussing in a separate blog post about how to break up with an emo dude as a woman b/c they have to tread on thin ice. lol. Emo dudes are the ones we used to hear about on Unsolved Mysteries and those shows that come on Bravo.

      • Mo-VSS

        I put a post down-thread about an emo dude’s reaction to a break up. Craziness. Emo dudes need a class to learn how to man up…yes, usually I don’t say “man up” but these dudes give y’all (stand-up men) a bad rep.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        Breaking up with emo dudes? In that case, Panama, does it involve a restraining order and a police escort to get one’s belongings or to tell him to get his stuff and go?

      • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

        You gotta do that bro, the modern brother circa 2009 with the rise of Drake and Metro segsual Kanye found out that it was cool to be Emo. I think Emo dudes break up by writing poetry, listening to songs that remind them of their ex and getting some pity seggs from the ladies.

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA @ the pic caption. Once again, you come correct with your pun-gasms. Yes, punny double entendre for that arse.

    Heh, when I chopped off my creamy crack hurr, this dude in my work building IMMEDIATELY asked, “ok, what dude pissed you off?” -_______- LOL, it’s a valid question, but not in my case. I just wanted my curls. Who run the world? Curls.

    “Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups?”

    Basketball player and basketball wife. Basketball Wife – Get reality show. Basketball Player: Get a gar order.

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      ETA: *gag

      Ugh.

      • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        Get a reality show is the New Millennium revenge. I’m still waiting for Reggie Bush’s show. Miles Austin will cameo

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          that is very true. i think people have this innate desire to show as many people as possible that they’re alright. that they’re okay. that they’re gonna make it anyway.

          whitney.

    • http://www.twitter.com/intnserndmnss alana

      What dude pissed you off??? Hilarious

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Girl yeah… when I told him it was just based on cosmetic purposes, this mofo was like, “Oh, okay, because usually ya’ll go crazy on the hair after a huge breakup so I was just checking on you.” LOL, gee thanks.

  • Andi

    I’m definitely with you on the number three for women. It’s like I feel like I have to succeed on some massive scale just to prove whoever did me wrong that I’m not as worthless as they made me feel.

    And cosign on number two. I am little Miss “Girl-you-are-so-special-and-wonderful-and-perfect-he-is-regretting-this-so-much-right-now.” I think I’m just programmed or something.

    I dunno how other folks deal with breakups. I don’t do them very well so I just try to avoid them lol.

    • AfroPetite

      “I’m definitely with you on the number three for women. It’s like I feel like I have to succeed on some massive scale just to prove whoever did me wrong that I’m not as worthless as they made me feel.”

      ^^^^^^

      BUT THIS! If I cannot succeed in making my ex feel like he made the worst decision since the Redskins picked up Ramsey back in 02′ I’m not doing something right in life.

      • Corey

        I don’t ever want to see THAT name (or fun & gun) again!!

        • AfroPetite

          Were you referring to weak arse Ramsey or the weak arse Redskins???

          • Corey

            Hey now. I don’t like the shanahan family but i’ma need you to back up off the skins. Fcukin Ramsey/Shuler/Wuerful….

      • Rewind

        *puts up the cross sign*

        EVIL!!!!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        but how would you even know? maybe i’m just an odd duck here, but once we break up, if we don’t have to deal with eachother on any level again, i could’nt care less how successful or how much of a failure you are. my give-a-f*ck-ness ends the moment we get to go our separate ways.

        and for the record, you being successful doesn’t mean he made a bad decision. he still. your success has nothing to do with how he might feel about you as a person right?

        and for the record, it’s not that i don’t get it. i just dont understand…logistically.

        • AfroPetite

          It’s a petty personal battle I like to feel like I’m winning in. Yea, maybe you don’t have two fcuks to rub together and give about what I do after you, but just knowing that I’m probably doing some bawse like activities in light of a bad break up is good for Team AP morale :-) Never let em’ see you sweat.

          Plus, if I should ever run into said ex in the streets and he asks me how I’m doing I can smile sweetly and say “Better than you” then hit a hair flip and saunter off.

        • http://www.greenafrodiva.com Green Afro Diva

          There are some guys out there, and I know of a few, that have tried to come back into the fold AFTER you’ve become successful. And many will lay it on thick too, but in those cases, you have to keep it moving and let them know that you are done.

        • Andi

          You don’t understand because you think it’s actually about the ex. In reality, it’s about you and proving to yourself that despite what this person put you through, you will thrive. If the ex finds out you’re are doing well, it’s the cherry on top. But at the end of the day, #3 means reminding yourself and the universe that no matter what, “you is kind, you is smart, you is important.” :)

          • nillalatte

            “You don’t understand because you think it’s actually about the ex. In reality, it’s about you”

            +10000000000!!!! Truth.com right there.

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    Let’s see…the one I had actually broke up with me at 3 am or so when we had class the next morning; I ain’t have time to “grieve,” didn’t want/need to cry or vent, especially when I knew he’d regret it soon enough. So I just went to school the next day like nothing happened. Everyone was like “how’s your boyfriend?” teasing and whatnot and in all seriousness I would say “I don’t have one anymore. You gonna eat those chips?” He later came by and apologized in front of everyone and asked me back, to which I politely declined. I think if I’d have liked him, it may have gone a lot different.

    Break up decorum for people dealing with me usually means not calling me about it between midnight and 6 am, cause I wouldn’t have a pocketful of damns to give at that point. Also, if it’s something I told you would happen, or something you knew could happen and said “But Tes, that would never happen to me!” you get no sympathy and I most likely will walk away in the middle of the whole conversation.

    • Corey

      Wait…so you actually got “official” with a dude you ain’t eem like???

      • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        It’s a long story….

        • Rogman

          It has to be. I am here quite bewildered

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        right. lol. and um…then why does it all even matter?

        • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          It didn’t. I guess that was kinda the point, huh? lol

          I was in love with the feeling of being liked; it was a rare thing for me to know that somebody would wanna tap my natural resource? be with me in that way so I just went with it. When it ended, it was just another day.

          When I broke up with a non-official boy/man/dudefriend though? Cried while sitting in the shower listening to “Officially Missing You” and “Anytime” until I couldn’t stand it. Then pretty much went the next day as another day. I’m not really one to dwell publicly ; if it’s over then it’s over (no Drake).

    • sugahoneyicedtea

      Tes, I <3 this:Everyone was like “how’s your boyfriend?” teasing and whatnot and in all seriousness I would say “I don’t have one anymore. You gonna eat those chips?” <====especially the above lol

    • sugahoneyicedtea

      Tes, I loved the way you said “I don’t have one anymore, you gonna eat those chips?” ..Sounds like something I would say lol

      • Sugahoneyicedtea

        Ugh, my netbook doesn’t like me. Welp, that tis my explaination for the multiple comments…

  • AfroPetite

    I do tend to be extremely productive post-break up now that I think about it. Then I go through a short spell of non stop cooking. Food is my friend in times of distress =)

    • Corey

      Cooking?? Oh really? Look here, holla at me when buddy put you down and I’ll umm…comfort you or whatever. :D
      What all is on the menu?

      • nillalatte

        Always looking for food. Don’t they feed you up there? ;)

        • Corey

          HEEEELLLLLLL NAWL!!! I think I ain’t gonna make it!!

          • nillalatte

            Well, it’s about to get winter up there holmes… you might ought to start stocking up! Need a care package? LOL My peeps send me southern food I can’t get out here occasionally. It’s good for the soul. :)

  • Loving Me

    Maybe I’m just weird but I’m more prone to doing the things on the guy list after a breakup (minus the strip club cause man strippers are gross and woman strippers don’t impress me) but I usually have to work things out myself with drinks, more drinks and hopefully non platonic male company before calling my girlfriends and ex bashing….

    and my post breakup playlist is more raunchy club songs than female empowerment for some reason

    lmao at “songs for women, by women” including Drake