Featured, Race & Politics, Sports

Who Causes More White Tears: Cam Newton Or Serena Williams?

As mentioned here numerous times before, Serena Williams’s entire career has been a prolonged troll for White Tears. From the moment the Williams sisters emerged from Compton and disrupted the tennis world’s effete and bourgeois establishment, White Tears have trailed her the way breadcrumbs trailed Hansel and Gretel. They’re shed when she wins, when she receives awards, when she expresses happiness, when she expresses anger, when she just exists. It’s almost as if she’s a Medela Swing Breastpump for White Tears, her very presence helping them drip and squirt, distilled and delicious, into BPA-free bottles.

Her White Tears inducing game is so fierce, in fact, that along with being the world’s most dominant athlete, she’s also consistently outpaced each of her contemporaries when determining the volume of White Tears induced. The only athlete who even rivals her in this capacity is Lebron James. But although “The Decision” caused more athlete-related White Tears to be shed than any other year in the 21st century — seriously, that year was like the 1992 Dream Team of White Tears — he hasn’t caused them to rain as consistently and torrentially as Serena has her entire career.

But today, on the 21st day of January in the year 2016, we have to collectively recognize another legitimate challenger to Serena’s throne. His name? Cameron Jerrell Newton.

Like Serena, Cam Newton’s entire career in the public eye has been accompanied by White Tears. There were the complaints that his Auburn team was dirty and classless and he — an historically great college quarterback — wasn’t deserving of the Heisman trophy. When going through the pre-draft interview process, one of the NFL’s most prominent draft analysts said he was “very disingenuous” and “has a fake smile, comes off as very scripted and has a selfish, me-first makeup” and “has an enormous ego with a sense of entitlement that continually invites trouble.”

In sports-speak, these are coded ways of saying “great Black athlete who is not as humble as I, White person, would like him to be.” And, there’s no doubt they were intended on being dog whistles for the predominately White GMs and owners deciding whether to draft him. It didn’t hurt his stock — he remained the number one pick — but that perception has stuck with him his entire career.

Now, a Black athlete dominating in football today generally doesn’t induce the same type of diffident, racially insecure anxiety as a Black athlete dominating in tennis does. A Black (male) athlete succeeding at football or basketball or baseball aren’t just tolerated aspects of our cultural zeitgeist. They’re vital. Integral. A not-at-all insignificant part of America’s identity is connected to the psychic space we devote to sports. The identities of our universities, cities, and regions are often determined by how successful the sports teams connected to these entities happen to be. And, in 2016, this success (or lack thereof) is predominately determined by Black men.

But Cam Newton is a quarterback. Which happens to be the single most prominent position in sports. And also happens to be perhaps the last position exclusively reserved for those fitting a certain racial and cultural ideal. Sure, there have been outliers. Michael Vick, for instance. But because the quarterback is often considered to be the extension of the coaches, the front offices, and the owners — and because of the enhanced mental and emotional acuity often thought to be necessary to succeed there — the men desired for that position tend to follow a certain archetypal script. If you do happen to be Black, it’s preferred that you’re as non-threateningly Black or as anonymously Black as possible. Cam Newton is neither. He’s overtly cocky. He dances, taunts, and preens. He bullies. He smiles. He talks shit. He antagonizes.

Now, this behavior isn’t markedly different than the behavior displayed by other prominent (and White) quarterbacks. Such as Tom Brady, who regularly and famously throws full temper tantrums on the field, like a kid told to stop stuffing peanuts in his Pampers. And its no more obnoxious than Peyton Manning’s annoyingly performative Asperger’s. But Brady and Manning don’t get multiple letters from pearl-clutching fans offended by a football player playing football. They don’t have to deal with questions about whether their behavior is befitting a quarterback and would be more appropriate for a wide receiver. They don’t have to deal with White People (capital letters) White Peopling. But Cam has his entire career. And, as he continues to dominate on the field — and his team continues to ascend — the frequency and intensity of the White Tears shed will increase.

So, does the bevy of White Tears collected by Cam Newton measure up to Serena’s reservoir yet? No, it doesn’t. While Cam’s White Tears are exclusively American, Serena makes them squirt across seas. She’s ultimately the Hernando de Soto of White Tears, which makes her the winner (again).

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. And a columnist for EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • PaddyfotePrincess

    I hope the Panthers win it all and during the post-game interview, Cam dabs, does a back flip, hits the quan and drops the mic on his way out.

    • Damon Young

      yeah, now that the steelers are done, i’ll root for the panthers too.

      • Val

        I like Larry Fitzgerald. I think he deserves a Superbowl ring. But if Carolina beats his team this weekend I’m rooting for Carolina. I’m darn sure not rooting for Denver or the Cheatriots.

        • PaddyfotePrincess

          Yeah, Larry’s the homie and he had a great season.

        • miss t-lee

          Yeah…I’d like to see Larry finally get one too.
          So torn.

        • QuirlyGirly

          Girl!! I said the same thing- Anybody but the Patriots..I am not the biggest fan of Denver but I rather they win than the Patriots.

        • I’m pulling for Carolina now. I won’t say Larry deserves anything but he’s a good dude but there’s nothing that will every make me pull for Denver or the Pats.

          • Oluseyi

            I’m not gonna lie, I root for Peyton. I was a Colts “fan” as long as he was there, and then I switched allegiances to Denver when he signed. Gonna be shopping for a new default team next year (beside my regional fealty to the Giants, of course—no Jets, because they’re losers).

            • I like Peyton but I’m a Raiders fan so to h*ll with Peyton for the moment.

              • Oluseyi

                I ain’t mad at you.

                I really have no football loyalties. I just enjoy good play—even Tom Brady, with his petulant azz. I’m like this about most sports: I root for performances.

              • Val

                I’m so angry the NFL won’t let your team move to LA. I was hoping they would go so I could see more NFC East games next year. Darn NFL blackout rules make me sick. Sigh.

                • Oluseyi

                  Blackouts will end eventually. I believe MLB is going to experiment with them starting next season.

                • There is nothing exciting happening in the NFC East.

                  Los Angeles doesn’t want them. The mustache who owns the Rams doesn’t want to share with the Raiders either. If the NFL was smart they would let them build a smaller stadium in Oakland but the NFL is running off of greed. The A’s owner isn’t helping either.

                  • Val

                    I think it was more the NFL owners still holding a grudge against the Raiders than LA not wanting them. There are still a ton of Raider fans in LA.

                    • There are a ton in San Diego too but the grudge is there. I’m of the mindset that LA shouldn’t get new teams.

                    • Val

                      LA is the second biggest market in the country. I’m amazed it took this long for them to get another team.

                    • Their market size isn’t going to make anyone there care about pro football.

                    • Val

                      We shall see, Grasshopper, we shall see.

                    • C. Occam

                      Truth be told, the NFL is way more interested in LA than LA in the NFL. When the rams and raiders left, very few Angelenos shed any tears. Better games and no blackouts. Plus. LA already has a pro football team… the USC Trojans.

                • KB

                  Jerry Jones got in the way of the Raiders moving back to LA. F**K JERRY JONES with a herpes infested peen

            • heyheyno

              #cosign

          • As you should.

      • As you should :-)

    • Junegirl627

      If that were to happened I would sit my happy drunk a$$ down on Superbowl Sunday night and open a gofundme for people to give donations toward paying any fines accrued from this “White tear river dance” while posting screen grabs on Tom Brady’s social media everyday til preseason kicks off.

    • +11 for mapping out the sequence to create a white tears tropical storm.

      Since the Ravens had no chance of sniffing the playoffs since November, I’ve been pullin for Carolina. The year long flood of white tears will be glorious.

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        I know that I’ve been joking and commenting on his good looks, but real talk, I want him to win so that all of these folks yapping and trying to clown him can have stadium seats.

    • Elaina

      Lol!

    • nylahou

      I can’t swim, so I’m gonna wear a life jacket during the Superbowl so that I can float through the river of white tears.

  • Gbadebo

    It’s not so much that people dislike Cam’s demeanor…there are a lot of people that hate Tom Brady….it’s that they have the balls to chastise him like a damn child.

    Cam is intelligent, GREAT at his job (in a position that has been historically exclusively reserved for Manning-types), he gives back to the community around him, he supports Panthers fans of all types, he isn’t a domestic abuser, he hasn’t been in any sort of legal trouble as a professional, he doesn’t abuse drugs, no illegitimate children….he’s everything you would want in a franchise QB.

    All you can complain about is that he enjoys celebrating his success on the field.
    America…..drown yourself in those tears B.

    • Gbadebo

      …and part of the problem is that social media has given some of these people the cojones they need to talk out of their azz.

    • miss t-lee

      Well, as a few weeks ago, there is a son.

      • Gbadebo

        Ah….just saw that. Well, take that one phrase out of my tirade.

        • miss t-lee

          Exactly. None here either.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            yeah he good. Bron got married a few years ago, same thing, sons were 8 and 6 or sumshit

            • miss t-lee

              Yeah, I was glad to see Bron finally marry Savannah.

          • tgtaggie

            I thought the girl was a former stripper?

            • miss t-lee

              She is, supposedly.
              Don’t make me none…lol

              • Val

                Was a skripper. I doubt she’ll ever have to skrip again. Lol

                • QuirlyGirly

                  Not unless she trying to be that girl on LHH:LA-Shandra who was running back to the pole. LOL

                • miss t-lee

                  I ain’t mad.

              • tgtaggie

                These ninjas love them some Instagram models and former strippers. Lol

                • miss t-lee

                  The game is the game.

      • Val

        So all those rumors over the summer were true. Interesting.

        • miss t-lee

          I actually didn’t see the rumors, but I saw the announcement of the birth…lol

          • L8Comer

            apparently thats why he incorporated a baby rocking movement into a celebratory dance. awww lol

            • miss t-lee

              Yup.

            • He also wore a cute shirt pre-game with him and a baby boy on it doing the dab. It was adorable.

    • sewit_be_like

      Can we pls do away with the term “illegitimate children?!!” It’s horribly stigmatizing.

  • miss t-lee

    Definitely a neck and neck race.
    I love it.

    • QuirlyGirly

      Yes, it is definitely a neck and neck race. I would only give Serena the edge because she has been drawing out white tears for so long. She the GOAT of white tears.

      • miss t-lee

        True. She has been at it longer than Cam…lol

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    That combine story about Cam is CRAZY.

    GM: “what do you see yourself as, cat or dog?”
    Cam: “not sure how the question is relevant, I’m human.”

    Subsequent scouting report: “Cam may have a problem with authority.”

    me: *blinks*

    • Val

      That whole combine thing combined with those interviews is just weird to me. And racist.

      • mr. steal your costco samples

        how is that weird? they just put dudes up on a platform, strip them down to their skivvies, comment on their bodies and the way they move and…

        er, pause.

      • The visuals of the combine is the only slave comparison I will make in pro sports.

        • Cleojonz

          IT IS!!! They literally measure them and look in their mouths and what not. All I could think of was slave auction block.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            if my son makes it there he playing Can’t Truss It as walkup music.

            loud.

          • DamonDeez

            Except they do this to the white players too. So how racist?

        • miss t-lee

          So valid.

    • Combine questions are off-colored. Dez Bryant was asked if his mother was a prostitute and Toby Gerhart was asked how does it feel to be a white running back.

      • QuirlyGirly

        Do they ask these type of questions to throw the player off or something? I don’t see any value in asking those types of questions.

        • Basically. Dez was honest and told the guy that his dad was a pimp and that his mom once worked with him and the prostitute question is a follow-up. Even the grizzled veterans who are now in the media said that question was over the top.

    • Pinks

      That was a real thing? Like this happened?

      • L8Comer

        You stole the exact thoughts out my head. I’m on a search for this “combine story” now…

      • KwameF

        Totally a real thing. They ask all sorts of questions like that and yes they are stripped down to their underwear and poked and prodded,

        • L8Comer

          Whaaa?? Like Chattel? I don’t follow sports so I’ve never heard of this..

          • Pinks

            yes – they are dang near naked in their drawls, having every inch of their bodies examined for efficacy. Tongues are stuck out, fingers and toes separated, eyes prodded with little lights.

            • L8Comer

              This is weird… Shouldn’t this be done inside the privacy of a doctor’s office? At the least I don’t think this should be available for public consumption. Some running, catching, and flexing is one thing.. but this sounds like some slave block mess. I imagine them examining gums, teeth, hair.. So, apparently there’s a psychological exam too… Omg, this just makes me want to bring Cam into my bosom and comfort him whether he needs it or not

              • QuirlyGirly

                Yeah- like what they do to horses when they want to examine them. They look at their teeth, legs, private parts etc

          • miss t-lee

            Yes. That’s how it goes down.

          • They don’t call them ‘owners’ for no reason.

        • Pinks

          Well I know about the physical aspects of the combine, as I’ve watched a few for the sheer enjoyment of those lithe bodies in spandex, but this particular story with Cam is pretty disgusting.

          • Watching the combines… Lawd!!!

        • DamonDeez

          They do this to every player, not just the black players. If you’re going to be paying someone millions of dollars a year, you want to understand that your investment is solid.

      • L8Comer
        • Pinks

          Smh. But his father had money to hire a former player? Where daddy at? lol

          • L8Comer

            This is all very disturbing to me… the more you know, I guess.

            • Pinks

              A lot of parents are very involved in their children’s sports careers and truth be told are the reasons their kids have made it so far, a la Matthew Knowles. Hubby has said time and time again that he wishes he had the guidance necessary to really go somewhere, because he was being scouted by some good schools and had a beast HS record. Alas, some folks don’t have the resources or knowledge to get to the top unless someone with more money and influence swoops in to save the day.

              • L8Comer

                Yeah Cam is lucky to have good mentors in his corner. His Dad and Hall of Fame QB Moon (I just read a long article). It seems they helped him prepare mentally just as much – if not more so- as they prepped him physically. Sounds like he was prepared for the haters and the pressure to be perfect.

                All these white tears mayne! I read when had his baby some lady penned a finger wagging letter saying something like Congratulations would be in order had his baby not been born out of wedlock…. o_O.. Nevermind the fact that, as the article pointed out, Brady left his baby momma while she was pregnant.

    • Wizznilliam

      To be honest though, I think that is a pretty good question when you think about it. His answer is legit too. But I think it is supposed to make you think. Like what are the benefits of either animal and how does that apply to my skills. For example most people would think a man would pick dog because domesticated dogs can be strong, fast, and vicious.. But in the wild dogs kinda suck. Lions, tigers, and other big cats are the kings of the jungle or plains or wherever they are for a reason.

      Yea it may seem like a dumb question, but just answer it the best you can and move on.

      • mr. steal your costco samples

        yo, HE moved on kinda but the fact that something had to go on the report — junk. like, you asked a stupid question and he had a problem with your authority because it manifested itself in clownism.

        • Wizznilliam

          Yea.. I agree the report is some BULL, and typical. And his answer was even fine. The person doing the evaluation is the idiot in this case. I do like the question though.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    The Decision resulted in plenty of black tears from the 216, fam.

  • Homer Alonzo La Rue

    “It’s almost as if she’s a Medela Swing Breastpump for White Tears, her very presence helping them drip and squirt, distilled and delicious, into BPA-free bottles.”
    Shout out to ninjas wit babies.

  • Numbah5

    I’m just here for boo-lovin on Cam…#heyboohey

    • Val

      Dem ears doe. Lol They’re so little.

      • Numbah5

        Aww… they cute doe!

      • cakes_and_pies

        Well I can’t unsee that now. They look like butterfly wings in mid-flap.

        • PaddyfotePrincess

          I almost spit out my water…

        • camilleblu

          • Val

            Oh snap! Hiya, Camille!

            *waves*

            Happy New Year!

            • camilleblu

              #HAYBEW!!

              Happy New Year to you :)

          • cakes_and_pies

            And them you post a picture with them pushed down in full flight?!?!

            • camilleblu

              lol….i was agreeing with you in the best possible way, lol

          • cakes_and_pies

            Don’t get me wrong he is sessy as H e l l, but this picture makes his head look like an upside pot

            • PaddyfotePrincess

              LOL! Ma’am…

            • PDL – Cape Girl

              Sniggling!

            • L8Comer

              STAHHHHPP!!! Lolol

      • miss t-lee

        Yep….that’s the only thing I can’t not see.
        It’s all good when he has his towel or his headphones over them though.

        • Val

          That’s prolly why he always wears that towel over his head. He knows he has lil baby ears. Lol

          • miss t-lee

            Everything else is good on in the hood. His face and body, on point.
            Them shrek ears though? *price is right horn*

            • QuirlyGirly

              Girl you got me coughing and choking off your last sentence. I heard the horn and everything. *stupid cold I can even laugh the way I want to

              • miss t-lee

                Sorry. Don’t die. Get some water. :)

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            Baby ears and all doe…

            • camilleblu

              #datstancedoe

              • miss t-lee

                I see you.

              • PaddyfotePrincess

                Heyyy boo!

                Now about that stance…caramel perfection.

              • Pinks

                Like his back is skrong. yaaaaassssss

              • Girrrrrlllll

            • Vanity in Peril

              We passing on nuckas for ears now? How did we get here?

              • PaddyfotePrincess

                No ma’am. Ain’t nobody passing on Caramel Cam.

              • cakes_and_pies

                Girl, no.

      • Lea Thrace

        WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND POINT THAT OUT????/

        shattered dreams everywhere. smh

      • L8Comer

        bwaaahahahaha i didn’t even notice till you pointed it out!!

      • Cleojonz

        This made me legitimately LOL!

      • ?????

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      Yeah buddy!

    • L8Comer

      My personal fave,
      cam-newton.jpg

  • Val

    Lol@ new dad, Champ, mentioning BPA-free bottles.

  • I don’t really follow the NFL. Whatever folks post over on FB or Twitter is what I see, which is how I know about this Cam Newton fella. All this to say, because I have no loyalties, I tend to root for the team that has somehow managed to piss off a lot of White folks. A couple years ago it was the Seahawks after the Richard Sherman Thug mess. This year, if the Panthers make it, I’ll root for them.

    And I’ll also hope that the mom who wrote the letter about Cam Newton’s “pelvic thrusts” writes another tearful letter to her local paper.

    • Oluseyi

      You know she was dreaming of Cam “pelvic thrusting” on top of her…

      • miss t-lee

        I honestly think that’s why she was so “bothered”.

        • Hot and bothered.

          • miss t-lee

            Yup!!!

      • You KNOW that’s what it was.

        • Junegirl627

          well she better get in fine

          • I’m sure that long as hayell!

            • Junegirl627

              I got the seemless app on my phone. I can wait……

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Venus causes more white tears. With Cam, brothas have the ability to shut him down given the high number of brothas on NFL rosters. With tennis and the way it’s set up, there are very few sistas the man can troll out to do his dirty work.

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