Featured, Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics

White People Shit That Black People (Not So) Secretly Love

White People Shit.

It’s the semi-pejorative term Black folks use to describe items, actions, and ideas that fall outside of the negro-normative spectrum, preponderantly enjoyed by our Caucasian counterparts.

Seinfeld.

Mayonnaise.

Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill.

Calling the police.

All things that seemingly exist as the exclusive domain of white people and feel somewhat out of place when juxtaposed with abject negritude.  But let’s be real, everyone’s Blackness has boundaries and even the hardest of Hoteps and the 1% of the 5%ers have some kind of appreciation for some facets of the Eurocentric lifestyle.

(Don’t front, you know all the words to “Sweet Caroline” too.)   [Editor’s Note: This is not true. I have no idea what any of the words to “Sweet Caroline” are except for the words “sweet” and “Caroline.” Honestly, I have no clue what the song is even about or who sings it. I’m Black in public. – PJ]

This is a simple attempt to start cataloging those white things that we kinda sorta really really dig.

Running 5Ks

There was once a time when, if you saw a group of black folks running, you ran too based on instinct and fear.  Like, Cali Weekend in Atlanta used to have fliers for parties that said, 8pm-Black Folk Start Running Away.  Running as a survival mechanism is a thing ingrained in our collective psyche.  And sure, Black folks have been among the world’s best sprinters and marathon runners and hurdlers and the like, but that’s also running for a reason.  You know, a medal and/or some money.

Running for fun, however, totally white people shit.

I mean, how you gonna tell Black folks to wake up at 6am on a Saturday, go outside, and run for no goddamn reason other than to get a commemorative t-shirt and maybe come hot chocolate, right?  Wrong.  Apparently we just got the memo late and now we out here forming groups like Black Girls Run and shit hitting these streets just running for the fuck of it.

We run now.  It’s a thing.  For health.  I dig it.

Ridiculousness with Rob Dyrdek

White people don’t know this, but Black folks love watching them get hurt doing shit we’d probably get arrested (or killed) for doing.  For real, watching white people experience instant karma is cathartic as shit.

Phil Collins

Really, you could swap out Phil Collins for Wham, Duran Duran, Kenny Loggins, David Lee Roth, Cindy Lauper, Pat Benetar, Culture Club, Men At Work, Toto or just about any artist prominently featured on Friday Night Videos in the early 80’s.

I mention Phil here for two reasons.  One, the man is whiter than the driven snow.  I mean, he doesn’t even have lips.  Even when Phil was the man, he looked like a chemistry teacher or what would happen if a Chrysler K-Car assumed human form.  I also bring him up because the other night I was at a taco joint full of black people in an Irish neighborhood in Chicago (that, by itself, could be a punchline) when “In the Air Tonight” came on the Pandora and, well, the drum part.

Let’s be clear, I don’t care who you are, where you are, what you’re doing, or who you’re doing it with, when the drums kick in on “In the Air Tonight” you better grab your invisible sticks and bang the fuck out.  You wanna know who’s cool in your circle of friends?  Put that song on and whoever don’t go in on the drums is the Judas of your crew.  The “In the Air Tonight” drums are that powerful and although they weren’t made by us, they were clearly made for us.

Yankee Candles

Black folks love scented shit.  Black folks love Cadillacs.  Yankee Candles are the Cadillacs of scented shit.  Black folks love Yankee Candles.  The only time Black people get down with pumpkin spice is if it’s a Yankee Candle because they just go hard like that.

The Dukes of Hazzard

These white boys lived the life.  They ain’t have no jobs, they had a sweet ass ride, they ran from the cops, and they busted out of jail every goddamn week.  If the General Lee had a Kicker box in the trunk and a sack of loud in the glovebox, throw some doo rags on ‘em and Bo and Luke Duke could’ve got signed to Def Jam Records.  I’d even wager to say there’s at least 74 brothas in jail right now after trying to emulate them Duke boys.

Someday the mountain might get’em, but the law never will.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese

Your aunt’s been sneaking that shit into her macaroni since 1981.

Ellen DeGeneres

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You can front all you want on her, but if Ellen called you up tomorrow and asked you if you wanted to hang out, you’d want to kick it with Ellen.  You’d probably go to a store, scare some people, do a stupid dance, cry, and lose all your street cred in the process, but Ellen is just the kinda white people that Black people like hanging out with.  Ask the Obamas.

Jerry McGuire

You had me at hello.

Statistics show that 93% of Black people who initially saw this movie did so under the false assumption that it was about a shit talking football star bullying his agent around for about an hour and a half.  Little did we know that we were being sucked into the Vanilla Vortex of a white rom-com bookended by pre-couch hopping Tom Cruise and Rene Fucking Zellweger (yeah, Bridget Fucking Jones) with only a splattering on Cuba Gooding Jr. and Regina King to keep us satiated.

But we love that shit.

Don’t believe me?  Next time you got some Black folks over at the crib for game night or a cookout or Kwanzaa and you’re looking for some entertainment for the evening, offer them three movies; Belly, The Wood, or Jerry McGuire and I promise you that Jerry McGuire’s gonna get watched first.  BET could play it on a random ass Tuesday night and it would get real ratings.

The only other white movie I can think of that gets hood love like that for no reason is The Princess Bride and, maybe, Shawshank Redemption but even that’s got Morgan Freeman in it, so it might not fully count.

Honorable Mention

St. Patrick’s Day

Not because we like being out in that shit, but because it’s the one day when you get to see the cops bullyfoot on drunk white people.  It’s the one day the beast takes its unyielding gaze off us and focuses on the other side of town.  It’s the one day when the hood gets to relax.

 

Corey Richardson

Corey Richardson is originally from Newport News, Virginia currently living in Chicago, Illinois with his wife and two daughters. Ad guy at work, Dad guy in life, and whiskey enthusiast, Corey spends his time crafting words, telling bedtime stories, and working hard at becoming the legend he is in his own mind. You can read his paternal musings at FatherlyNoir.com where he chronicles his life doing battle with all of the women with his last name.

  • Irked Wind & Tired (Hooba)

    Sooooo, I’m with you on the cream cheese.

  • cyanic

    Collins is the only thing on your list that I agree with.

  • Irked Wind & Tired (Hooba)

    I’m really sitting here racking my brain trying to come up with something.

    https://media2.giphy.com/media/l0HlUsr30YgIHASl2/200.gif#0

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      Why do I get the feeling the author’s wife is not black and this piece is an attempt to appease wypipo. Eh. Carry on.

      P.s. Mr. Richardson, “your wife is not white and your family is biracial.” ?

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Yankee Candles are no longer the move. Hit up Marshall’s or tj Maxx for some DW home. High class on a budget. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e1ac9e03948340ecbdfd72bc9320b8ac2fd02cae64015eac3320b52726b700ae.jpg

    • Sweet Potato Kai ?

      YES! Or Home Goods or Tuesday Morning.
      #Budget&Boughie

      • Home Goods for the fake it til you make win!
        Then pier one, lol

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          Pops, what you’re not gon’ do is slander any of the TJ Maxx family! Especially HG! Especially if there’s a TJ’s next to a HG…maaannn. Pier One is ok too though.

          • HouseOfBonnets

            Exactly, TJ maxx fam provides all my Caucasian room pintrest needs

          • I got a few “guilty pleasures” from HG. Just you nevermind Miss Missy.

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              A couple of hours in HG on Saturday is a great start to my weekend. Old people joy, LOL

              • Lmao @ gettin a coffee and just walking around in that mug

      • HouseOfBonnets

        I’m so mad there is no Tuesday Morning in Chicago

        I need new sheets lol

        • Coco Fiere

          I usually hit the one by Orland or the one a little past the border on Indianapolis Blvd (about 15 minutes off 94).

      • Cheech

        Tuesday Morning rules. Also Steinmart.

    • Coco Fiere

      DW home candles are EVERYTHING! I haven’t found too many scents from them that I don’t like. I just found a medium Warm Tobacco Pipe one for $3 last week.

  • panamajackson

    Oh, I’ve changed my password. No more spam messages from me. lol

    • PhlyyPhree

      Eh.
      I might need new friends. I still say Belly would win out over the other two simply because no one can resist seeing the ‘illest n!gga in Nebraska” on their screens. I found out they added it to Netflix a few weeks ago and that alone was enough to send me down the wormhole.
      Also, I was in that awkward tween phase when The Wood came out. Old enough to know what they were talking about, but not old enough to go to the movies alone and my mother wouldn’t let me watch things that might contain chex. Made for a lot of PBS viewing..

  • PhlyyPhree

    I like Ridiculousness because Rob Dryd*ck is not obnoxious as were his predecessors on Jacka ss.
    Also he’s from Ohio and Ohio Against The World.

    I can not rock with Yankee Candles because they never have that good annual sale like BBW has on their 3 wick candles. $8/candle means that I’ve taken care of all of my Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, baby shower, wedding shower, divorce party and administrative assistants day gifts for the entire year.

    I’ve never seen Jerry McGuire and I don’t plan on it because wikipedia has a plot section. I do love Princess Bride though. That, the Neverending Story, Goonies and Ferris Bueller takes a Day off make up top 5 of white movies that have nary a black person in them. (Yes, I know that’s 4 movies, but wheat people take everything, so I’m taking a movie spot from them as reparations)

    • Irked Wind & Tired (Hooba)

      I’m with you on Goonies.

    • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

      Try these candles from “Our Own Little Candle Company”
      VERY FRAGRANT in a variety of scents; burn almost 100 hours and when done you have a nice jar with a handle!
      If you keep the screw on top you can mix drinks too

      • MaiB

        Thank you! I buy candles like some people buy shoes.

    • Coco Fiere

      TJMaxx/Marshalls always have Yankee Candles in the housewares section and by the registers, for pennies.

    • KCG

      My mom loves FBDO! It has a good soundtrack.

  • This whole thing (and I know all the words to Sweet Caroline — but, then again, I’m from Massachusetts, I think that’s a requirement)

  • JennyJazzhands

    I am here for phil Collins and cream cheese (the whipped kind).

    • cyanic

      Collins along with Simply Red are the white voices from the 80s which are holy spirit anointed.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Or the flavors. They came out with some peach kind last fall and I bout lost my sh!t….and re-gained the two pounds it took me a year to lose. Smh

      • JennyJazzhands

        Yes, I get the honey pecan sometimes but the best was the cheesecake flavor. It was magical.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Ohhhh. I never had that one. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. This wedding I’m in, in less than a month says it was probably for the best.

    • Courtney Wheeler
      • JennyJazzhands

        Almost all his songs make me wish I had taken up percussion in school instead of dance and freaking woodwinds.

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          My marching band in high school played this song. It threw all us black kids off! But it was rockin though!

  • JennyJazzhands

    I’ve never seen shawshank redemption but I always thought it was a black movie. It sounds freaking black and the work “shank” is right there in the title.

    • Brown Rose

      Well there is a magical negro in there so…

      • panamajackson

        I loves me a good magical negro.

      • Mary Burrell

        You think Morgan Freeman was a magical negro?

        • Brother Mouzone

          He’s almost ALWAYS a magical negro. That role wasn’t quite as magical though..lol. More like super helpful negro.

    • Mary Burrell

      It’s a great film.

      • Michelle

        Every time I watch that scene of Andy’s escape, I feel like I need a Valium, a bottle of whiskey and a prayer, because my claustrophobia and germaphobia just…. Whooo!

      • Brother Mouzone

        Agree.

  • Mr. Mooggyy

    Confession: X-Games, winter X-Games, Dew Tour, BMX….I’m with the shyts! Seeing these whyte folk do this crazy shyt is damm near thrilling!

More Like This