Tinder: Where The Dreams Of Meeting My Bougie Black Prince Go To Die » VSB

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Tinder: Where The Dreams Of Meeting My Bougie Black Prince Go To Die

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Within the past 48 hours, I’ve decided I’m going to be chaste and devote my life to God, because this dating thing is entirely too much.

It should be noted that for the most part, I hate dating. I hate the horse-and-pony show aspect of the early stages, the faux nonchalance, the job interview feel of it. I get tired just thinking of the time wasted getting ready for someone who you might find slightly more interesting than a soggy box of rocks. I’d rather sit on my couch and eat a disturbing amount of chicken while watching a Gilmore Girls marathon.

That said, I am self-aware enough to note that all of these complaints only apply to men I don’t click with for whatever reason. And, for me to find men that I do click with, I have to continue to put myself out there to find my partner in Couch Chicken Olympics. But between working 12 hours a day, my semi-monthly attempt to stop being fat, and sleeping, (and my admittedly arbitrarily picky standards – I like what I like), I don’t find many opportunities to find my Bougie Black Prince at Fort Greene Afrobeats parties.

For the most part, I just keep on keeping on. But every few months (read: my mom turned 50 literally yesterday and has started amping up her demands on my uterus at a terrifyingly astronomical rate), I whip myself into a fever dream and find myself doing something that has empirically never worked out for me: I sign up for online dating.

The last time I did this was December 2014, when I got on OKCupid and I found myself talking to a guy who confessed that weed was his “vice” (this can’t be a thing past 25, guys) and was trying to go Kappa grad chapter. (The third strike was that he lived in Hoboken…the way my EZ-pass is set up…). Needless to say, I closed my account in under a month.

This time…I gave Tinder a run.

In my defense, it was after midnight and I had hit my head while installing my AC window unit earlier in the week…and I just watched How Stella Got Her Groove Back…and within two hours, I decided to just accept that Me, Myself, and I is all I got. Moving past the obvious Catfish (don’t make a fake profile of an ESPN sports analyst or use the picture of an ANTM contestant, I watch entirely too much TV for you to be able to successfully pull that off), and the litany of White folks (I left behind “skiing the slopes” in undergrad – NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT), a great chunk of the men I saw had me looking up YouTube videos on knitting snuggies for passive-aggressive cats.

This is the point where every friend I’ve ever had in my adult life chimes in, reverberating like the most irritated greek chorus, to remind everyone that Shamira is insufferably picky and gets in her own damn way. Which is why I came with receipts.

Let’s review as a family if I’m blocking my blessings.

1. 

—I’m not gonna lie, guys. When this profile came across my purview, I started singing to “left swipe dat.” But upon second review…there’s a special amount of industriousness in a a man that’s able to make a custom short set out of his grandmother’s old couch. The seamstress skills alone warrant reconsideration –I’m always tearing my jeans, and “a partner that does the practical things I don’t feel like handling” is pretty high on my checklist.
—Sorry for the snap judgment, Spook. We might just could’ve been great together.

2. 

–I guess I can give him some kudos for honesty. That’s all I got.
–Question: if a beard looks like it was caught in a brush fire, does it count?
–You can’t really tell from the blurred pic, but he has random facial piercings. From this point on, I am  officially not acknowledging those facial piercings. That’s between him and his God.

3.

—I just want to know why he had to specify his preferences with respect to crack addicts. Has he been burned by crack addicts in his life before? Did he fall in love at a trap house? Is his romantic history a Fetty Wap song gone horribly wrong?
—Unfortunately, we’d probably part ways at the drinking part. I like bourbon more than a little bit. It’s too bad, I’m pretty firm on the ‘Crack is Wack’ train.

4.

*clears throat*
You gotta swipe, you gotta swipe it left….
—Someone has to tell their Ghanaian uncle that no one is buying that he’s 35 as long as he’s dressed as a villain from a 90’s-era Nollywood movie. I am interested in moving back to Accra however…*scratches chin*
—Highest of fives for being able to find a pair of pants that captures the spirit of the “In Living Color” logo.
—I have no idea what to do with the intentionally placed lipstick effect on his collage. I didn’t know that was a thing men did (or anyone that wasn’t a 13 year old on MySpace).

So what say you folks? Who wins For the Love of Sham? Am I even worthy of these guys? Are men in Kwanzaa prints the wave of the future? The future of my heart is in your hands. Choose wisely.

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Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • SHAMIRA!!! i’m gonna present you with an invoice for my bills for getting me fired today. LMFAO.
    i too in a moment of weakness re-joined tinder.

    what i liked about it when it first came out – was that it was new. and based on mutual attraction.
    now that it’s just known as the hookup app, and that men don’t know how to crop their wives out of their pictures (no but seriously.. why is your wedding pic your profile/dating pic?).. it’s just.. blah.

    when it first dropped, i actually had some decent experiences because i was more YOLO with my likes. i dont have to deal with the “i dropped him a flirty/funny message and he’s read it but never replied this ice cream tastes good” hurt ego thing.

    what im also finding now is people are liking with wild abandon, being matched, and then STILL NOT SAYING ANYTHING. dude.. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE??

    *kicks rocks*

    there’s a black version of tinder, but it’s timed (you can only reject so much in a time period, have to wait for more ppl to come up. it’s also called BAE so there’s that). -_-

    when you find out a way to meet people.. sell the patent, get rich and then let us know.
    kthxbai

    • Mika

      what im also finding now is people are liking with wild abandon, and then STILL NOT SAYING ANYTHING. dude.. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE??

      gotta be the most annoying sh*t ever.

    • it’s baffling this liking then taking a vow of silence!!!!!!! It used to drive me nuts! I saw a guy on Tinder whose wedding was two weeks earlier!!!!!

    • menajeanmaehightower

      there’s a black version of tinder, but it’s timed (you can only reject
      so much in a time period, have to wait for more ppl to come up. it’s
      also called BAE so there’s that). -_-

      Stop lying now!!! Please and thanks. I DO NOT believe you.

      • K Lust

        There is also Soul Swipe o__0

        • menajeanmaehightower

          Jesus needs to fix this.

        • Epsilonicus

          I love that title

        • miss t-lee

          This sounds like a p*rn title though.

          • K Lust

            LMAO

        • Mika

          that’s steve harvey’s site or no?

          • Val

            I’d be shocked to find out he doesn’t have a dating app. or site.

            • Mika

              nah i just googled his ish is delightful.

        • Mika

          basically black tinder LMAO

          • K Lust

            Ewww idk if it’s a Steve Harvey sight, but it is def the black tinder.

      • LOL. i promise! i downloaded it. and deleted 40 mins later.
        twas also mostly white people.. -_-

        • GTFOH!

          You might wanna check out ashyhookups.com

          If your looking for older men, try oldheadsinturtlenecks.com

          It’s in it’s Beta stage, so it’s kinda wonky, but if you give a brother your number…

          Yeah I know…

          lol

          But can I get a little dap for trying?

    • Uniquely Blushed

      I’ve heard of blackpeoplemeet.com, not sure if that’s only in the dmv but it’s for black people. haha

    • h.h.h.

      what im also finding now is people are liking with wild abandon, being matched, and then STILL NOT SAYING ANYTHING. dude.. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE??

      whats wrong with this…maybe they’re a shy guy

      • but..if you are shy over an app.. how you gonna make it to real life?
        you can’t say hi or reply to a hello.. you aren’t for me. and i aint for you.

        • h.h.h.

          true true, very true

  • Epsilonicus

    Make sure the chicken is Royal Farms. Just saying.

  • Spook’s short set game is soooo stupid.

    • miss t-lee

      I mean…it take cajones to wear that pattern out in public.

      • Naw, that’s how half the Black men in NY dress.

        • Don’t do this, Malik. So the dudes up there dress like undergrad Deon Sanders?

          • *stares out into Jamaica ave*

            Yes.

          • Agatha Guilluame

            Don’t listen to him, he’s talking about a small group of immigrants, from very specific places like Haiti, Nigeria, Jamaica, fresh off the boat between the ages of 21 – 39.

            • That’s like 20-25% of the population of Black people in that age bracket.

          • Not everyone, but a noted percentage. Particularly up in Harlem.

            • Do they drive vans too or am I fostering a crude stereotype?

              • No. That’s the Southern version. Though you see a few of those up here.

            • Kim

              lol don’t go there Todd, that’s clearly Brooklyn you’re talking about.

        • miss t-lee

          Sad state of affairs.

  • I would say anti crackhead dude should get a shot but all his occupations sound like clever ways of saying I’m in between jobs right now

    • amina

      I was thinking the same thing!

    • Staci Elle

      anti crackhead dude lol!

    • deviant

      Dude had a denim or chambray shirt buttoned up to the top…that’s a NO.

      • Glockenspiel

        *whispers he’s prolly originally from the DMV…..more pacifically Norfeast DC*

    • Shauny

      Right! I thought the same thing.

    • New_Clear_Waste

      Would you consider writing something for VSB? I mean it.

      • Tristan

        I have and i will again….eventually

  • ChiefbutnotA_Keef

    Is it wrong to list what you are not attracted to online? Apparently standards/preferences make you an A hole

    I think the 3rd guy should get a pass. Maybe he’s just come across a lot of those types and is tired of wasting his time.

    • In my opinion, dating profiles should be centered on what the person does like and what they’re looking for rather than wasting space in regards to what you don’t like. Easier to get a sense if you’ll mesh with someone that one versus listing what you don’t like.

      • uNk

        yea ol boy is going nowhere fast with “skinny like an anorexic walking zombie, no a$$, no biddies”

      • Exactly. A woman who goes in on the 50-11 things she doesn’t like either has no clue what they want or is too burned by the past to enjoy anyone. I’m assuming that dudes who do likewise are on the same plan.

        • T.Q. Fuego

          Agreed, but at least when they do that it tells you everything you need to know about them. They’re disposition is a negative one and they probably don’t know what they actually like. That’s valuable info

      • Val

        Plus, being positive is always more attractive than being negative.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Positives always work over negatives

      • Karen

        I like this concept

    • camilleblu

      you think he’s come across a lot of crackheads #doe? to the point that he feels compelled to list that as a non-desirable trait?

      • haute_coutoy

        lol my thoughts exactly… i don’t know much about crackheads, but from what I see on TV and movies I don’t imagine them searching tinder for dates in between fixes…. but what do i know?

        • Mika

          I would believe that they would be trying to pawn their cell for that next hit rather than swiping for #boobaes. *goes to corner*.

      • ChiefbutnotA_Keef

        Lol i think that was honestly a failed joke. This is why i think internet dating is kinda wack. One little statement isn’t going to sum up the entirety of a personality. But i guess this type of mentality is inevitable when the next profile is a swipe left or right away

    • Mika

      Kinda find that when people have the long laundry list of what they don’t like, they are usually a little suspect themselves. One guy had a long lost of likes and dislikes, but he was a raging alcoholic with no license. I mean, cmon son.

    • h.h.h.

      ive only seen chicks do this *shrug*

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      To write a list to a bunch of strangers about that ish you don’t like…you know…like Chief Keef…..sounds like you got major problems….you know…like Chief Keef.

  • miss t-lee

    I told y’all the other day that this single life is not for the faint of heart.
    My OKC experiment consisted of dude(s)who live 5 minutes from me wanting a perpetual pen pal, and one guy who was a gentleman, but after several dates I figured we clearly wanted different things.

  • haute_coutoy

    Thanks for this lunchtime gem. I had to scroll back up to make sure I didn’t write it cause… story of my life.The struggle is oh so real.

    -fellow sister looking for her black bougie prince from her couch

    Now i shall read the rest of these comments with the Left Swipe song stuck in my head!

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Isn’t Todd online? No?

    I just laughed all the way through this. LOLOLOLOL I, I , I don’t know what to say. Online dating looks ubber scary and creepy.

    • But is Todd over his heartbreak with Agatha to love again so quickly?

      • K Lust

        Next time on Dragon Ball Z…

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Lawd…..LOLOLOL Well, I haven’t see “Toddgatha” thrown around lately, so I’ll venture to say the way has been cleared.

        • AlwaysCC

          i just thought their love had grown bigger than a hashtag. i believe love conquers all, though! #toddgatha4ever

          • PunchDrunkLove

            No sign of the hashtag convinced me otherwise. All is fair in love and war. LOL

      • Agatha Guilluame

        If only you could see down votes Poussey.

        • No need to take your frustrations out on me. I’m sure Todd would of been tender with your heart.

  • K Lust

    PREACH. Same for men too. I don’t mind if a man drinks (I don’t drink at all), but don’t turn your nose cuz I’m getting my Snoop Lion on.

  • Medium Meech

    Sham, you know these guys aren’t for you. Like my wise sassy black mother used to say when I was growing up, “If you’re trying to make vegan jambalaya then stop going to the butcher.” I know people think technology is the answer but sometimes you have to take a step back to the place you left to find your future. Put your kindle down, catch the metro to the library and maybe you’ll run into your black bougie unicorn. That’s where writers belong.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      *lays down* my spirit is weary.

      • camilleblu

        meech ain’t shyt…smh

        • Agatha Guilluame

          Not a lick, but still I’m team Shamtilla™ all damn day.

    • Lea Thrace

      It took me a minute but I now recognize the genius of this seamless shade.

      I am jumping on the Meech aint ish bandwagon.

    • RewindingtonMaximus
    • Tonyoardee

      “and maybe”… thats a big AND MAYBE, go out and get what you want

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