Dear Black Men: Black Women Always (Always!) Show Up To Events. Why Don’t You? » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

Dear Black Men: Black Women Always (Always!) Show Up To Events. Why Don’t You?

Panama Jackson

 

In 1999, girl group 702 (which included my boo-in-my-head at the time, Kameelah Williams) released the song “Where My Girls At?” It is a great song from a great group from the ’90s that brings me much joy and happiness.

Well, it’s 2016, and I’m asking, “Where my dudes at?”

Why am I asking this? I’ll tell you why I’m asking this. Here’s why I’m asking this.

In Washington, D.C., I have the good fortune of being able to curate some events from time to time. Currently, I am on the books for three monthly events; two are parties and one is a literary karaoke of sorts called Lit.District. It is an offshoot of an event started in Atlanta called Lit. The purpose of this event is to be a monthly book club of sorts, except this one includes a DJ, lots of liquor and readings based on a theme. This event has been pretty successful so far, in terms of participation, save for one extremely noticeable issue: There are almost no men.

The last event had about 60 folks in attendance, six of whom were men (one was the photographer and another was the DJ, so I’m not even sure they count). The dearth of men at events like this is something that’s pretty common in most major cities, I’d wager. While women come out in droves to attend events that aren’t typical club fare, men are almost nowhere to be found unless they’ve been invited by a homegirl or girlfriend, and they almost always remark about the fact that it’s a chick buffet.

I mean “buffet” in the nicest possible way, dontchaknow. As an enlightened brother, I realize that referring to women in the buffet sense is probably sexist and treats women like objects—food objects. And I’m sure most of us like food, but objects nonetheless. Rest assured, I mean a good buffet, like, one with waffles and fresh fruit and produce, as opposed to, say, Golden Corral or Cici’s Pizza, which, while satisfying, isn’t exactly where you’d take your boo on the pivotal third date.

Let’s just move on.

Now, I know I’ve read articles in various places with titles like, “Great Places to Meet Women,” and numbers 1-9 are typically “not the club.” It’s great to meet women at places like church, poetry slams, open mics, etc. And those things are all true to a degree. But even at those places, there are still usually way more women than men in attendance, and it always leaves me wondering, where the hell are the men? It’s not like they don’t know about these events, but it seems like women’s interests tend to be piqued much more by different types of experiences than men’s. I have no idea if this is actually true, but based on my scientifically anecdotal observations, it would lean more toward true than false.

This wouldn’t be an issue if there weren’t hordes of men on message boards and in places like VSB comments wondering where to find a nice lady. Of course, you don’t really know what kind of woman you’re meeting just because of where you meet her, but since so many people (stupidly) view the club as not the best place to meet a potential suitor, the fact that men are effectively ghost participants in alternative events is baffling.

If I were a dude looking to meet women who I assumed had more to offer than their T&A—again, a stupid assumption (some of the most interesting women I know were cocktail waitresses at popular nightclubs; they were just hot and used it to finance their foodie habits)—the first places I would go would be events that involve books and art and artists who don’t say things like, “That’s why my bitches love me.”

Yet and still, like clockwork, I know that if I choose to either curate or attend an event that offers more than just a DJ and bottles of Ciroc, there’s a better than 50 percent chance that the room will be full of women, probably largely single, who would happily engage in a conversation with a nice fellow in a safe space. Shucks, it seems like when there are men at these events, there tend to be conversations happening where the men end up being the central figure.

But I feel like I’m preaching to the choir. We know where all of the women men claim to want to meet are; the question is, where the hell are the men who claim they’re looking to meet these women?

That’s what I want to know. If I could magically figure out how to even out the ratio of men to women at these events, I’d be a millionaire and people would write articles and books about my genius. I’d be the king of eggs and sausage. For now, I’m just as curious as everybody else.

I mean, the Golden State Warriors don’t play every night, ya know?

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Julian Green

    A literature get-together or an event night at a museum are the types of things I go to, but I sort of get why other men don’t. If you’re genuinely not interested in what’s happening at one of these events, even if there’s a mob of young, single ladies there getting their Zora Neale Hurston on, you’re going to get bored very quickly.
    And when that happens, then you’re just the lone dude in the room with a stank attitude who’d rather be at home watching Sportscenter. Nobody wants to be that guy….

    • miss t-lee

      I’d be bored. As much as I love to read, I’m not getting dressed up to go out and discuss literature. However, somebody will.

      • That’s why #NBRB and our male book club (Michelle Alexander nearly killed the latter) worked so well for me on Twitter. It was at home and online with no stress. Now-a-days I just don’t have time for that.

        • miss t-lee

          LOL I’m still laughing at Michelle Alexander situation.
          It looked brutal.

          • Amber

            What happened?

            • miss t-lee

              I wasn’t in the book club, Wu could probably explain better than I could. I just saw the tweets.

            • See my response to Teesh.

          • Did you see our tweets from our meetings? Man! Old girl took 312 pages when she could’ve used three. One that says “Don’t sell dope!” in bold print and 80-point font. The next with the word “….Because…” in the same font. Followed by the last page that reads “These white folks have set a trap for your black a**!”

            • miss t-lee

              Yeah I did. Y’all were struggling through that, it seems.

              • Effete liberalism and sociology at its worst. She had a great premise but it was so poorly written that it just broke our spirit.

      • LadyIbaka

        lawd!! Ain’t that what hotteppers do?

        • miss t-lee

          I wouldn’t know…lol

    • vernakitson

      But there’s also a systematic way that young black men are turning off and tuning out reading and literature and the arts in general. That starts from when they are boys – before 4th grade! We need to change that, and with a quickness.

  • The trend is towards greater loneliness…

    I just finished reading a book about advertising and the media called “The Image” by Daniel Boorstin. One of the things he’s suggests is that much of our modern industry and economy rotates around fulfilling our unreasonable expectations for reality. He suggests that our desire for vivid images and narratives has made it much more difficult for us to familiarize ourselves with the limitations and restraints that reality forces us to accept.

    Thus instagram replaces the need to socialize to see beautiful women. Tinder reduces the need to go out and seduce, when you can just use a couple of lines and get a woman to come through. Facebook reduces the necessity to keep in contact, both physically and vocally in order to know what they are up to. And the list goes on and on, and it applies the other way around as well. Though they make life easier and make people feel like they are more able to do the things they want to do, the intimate need for human contact and presence, makes relationships weaker and far more fragile. Why go out and deal with people, when the pleasures of loneliness and solitude are far more gratifying.

    …Until you grow old of course.

    • I need a hug and a warm beverage after reading this.

    • Kai

      This truth is depressing.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      It just means more those of us who are out there to get it!

      All I see is upside, all day.

      • “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” – Erasmus

    • miss t-lee

      I’m want to read this book.

    • And to top it off, pr0n is a lot easier than convincing a girl to like you and consent to $ex. All good things.

      • Lol…50% of ALL internet traffic is pr0n…

        Clearly the opposite $3x is getting their share in too (not to mention that the majority of black book sales are usually in the Afro-erotica section.)

    • In short, social networking is causing us to be less social….

      • It’s the opposite…which is key.

        Social Networking exists BECAUSE we don’t want to be social.

        • Quirlygirly

          I think we want to be social, just less intimate about our social activities

          • Lol, but that’s where the whole “limitations of reality” perspective comes in…there’s no such thing as being “social” without “intimacy.” You can’t have one without the other in reality, but you can feel like you can have one…thus loneliness and the technology that enables it.

            • Quirlygirly

              So you are saying we are deceiving ourselves with the help of technology.

              • Exactly!

                • YeaSoh

                  I so disagree with you… I get where you’re going but it’s a reach. If anything what social media has done is give us a false sense of self-value. We actually interact more than before and that’s made us a bunch of attention wh0res – constantly needing to be involved / “social” with one another. We’re now this ever accessible and accessing (others) people.

                  • It’s the same relationship with pr0n and s3x.

                    • YeaSoh

                      how so?

                  • Question

                    That all depends on how you define interaction. I don’t consider pushing a Like button on a wall post from someone whom you met for 3.5 seconds at a NSBE event “interaction”. And that’s Negro Libre’s point – we now consider talking AT each other in 140 characters or less “interaction”, even though said interaction is taking place over ~1,400 miles and potentially hours.

                    For example, you posted this 3 hours before I responded. That’s not interaction.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Whaa? Ok so instead defying what interaction isn’t let’s define what it is: reciprocal action or influence (googled)

                      Now what do you consider it and what do you consider this?

                      Lastly, NL was saying social media has somehow changed the human need for human-to-human contact. I disagree.

                    • Question

                      I don’t think that’s what NL was saying – I think he was saying that social media has actually made it more apparent that most humans desire less contact with other humans than we actually realized.

                    • YeaSoh

                      That in itself is contradictory

                    • Question

                      Is it? Or do you want it to be?

                      If people have overwhelmingly replaced one form of interaction with another that actually requires less physical presence, couldn’t it be said that our theories about our need for social interaction, how and why we fulfill that need may be different from how we originally thought?

                    • YeaSoh

                      Why would I want it to be a contradiction? It’s your statement, I don’t care either way… the only reason I said it’s contradictory is because if people wanted less interaction with each other they wouldn’t be on social media. They would do the opposite of what you’re saying. I.e. why people have to disconnect themselves from social media outlets from time to time

                      Confused by last your question tho.

                    • I think you’re both kind of missing it…but it’s partially my fault, because I didn’t really clarify what Boorstin was talking about and relate it to how it applies to social media.

                      Boorstin basically said that what technology was doing, was that it was enabling us to create images of reality, that were more satisfactory and convenient than reality itself: so in that sense, social media redefines socializing. It doesn’t replace the human need for social interaction, it replaces the meaning of what it means to interact socially.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Ok, I get that which I was kinda hinting to in an earlier comment… basically where I was saying we’ve become these attention wh0res of sorts. I believe that’s because we’re constantly putting (and seeing) these images of perfection and infallibility out there, which isn’t reality at all, it’s what we want it to be and the praise that we get as a result is just as false because they are in response to a false perception. But because we process them as real we create a cycle of bad practice. Funny thing about constantly enhancing/perfecting/editing/etc what’s real is that subconsciously yo’re saying the real thing isn’t good enough and THAT’S the real tragedy.

    • Me

      This I don’t agree with. Why? Because the phenomenon of men not showing up to worthwhile events existed long before these social platforms. How do I know? Because when I was in college (early 2000s, pre-mass social media outlets), dudes were just as ghost as they are now. I used to put on so many events for the numerous clubs I was a part of that were specifically gendere neutral, and some that I outright stereotyped men for (i.e. financial seminars b/c cash is supposed to rule everything around men, gym spotlights b/c women don’t be with ’em when they shootin’ in it, social protest b/c they be dying in these streets), and still NADA. The reality is (that I have found) men don’t do intriguing things until they trip over an intriguing woman that they would like to or have been shmanging who is persistent enough to dig her heels into the effort of dragging them to such events. In any “interesting” event, if you took a survey of all the dudes in the room (which I’ve done several times) and asked them how they got into such hobbies/activities/interests, 80% of them will tell you it started w/some chick they used to date or were trying to date. The other 20% will tell you it started with their dad, who started doing it b/c that’s how he caught his momma. I dare the men on VSB to prove me wrong. P.S. I’m mostly referring to BM and afro-latinos.

      • black-a-rican

        It seems that we just don’t find these eventsnas interesting as women.

        • Me

          This I can agree with. That’s why you’ll sometimes find events where dudes that caught on will continue to participate even after the relationship ends, but in my observation, everything from books to politics to church [in the BC] starts with a woman who told a man (generally speaking).

          • Charles Johnson

            True, I told this girl I’m dating about white Jesus. She politely told me about her church on the other side of town ????

        • Freebird

          The women that go can be extra serious about their sh it. Which can kill the vibe for the average dude.

          • Guest

            Good thing I don’t fukk with average dudes.

        • So true. To keep it simple we’re interested in different things and there’s nothing at all wrong with that.

          • Beauty In Truth

            I have a few ideas in mind, smh.

        • Scarlet

          “It seems we are just not interesting.” FIFY
          JK! But I was joking with a very interesting male friend about this very thing, and he said all the interesting men he knows are women (a quote he heard a woman say once and now uses). And he attributes his interesting-ness (not just event going, but general wordliness, and knowledge of random things) to having very interesting women in his circle. I think it boils down to women taking more risks socially as they grow older, having more diverse tastes, being willing to try things out, and experiment. And men being less willing to do much else than the things that give them comfort. There are exceptions to this (I date them. They exist). But my frame of reference is my parents.

          • Me

            I have a friend who has a very active mom, and a dad who sits at home waiting for her day to be done. Mom is doing overseas girls trips, flying lessons, the works. Dad is home waiting to hear her stories. He can’t be bothered. Has his little home hobbies and calls it a day. It works for them though. Married nearly half a century.

            • path iof least resistance. we just be chillin.

            • Gertrudedfernandez2


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              two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereo!o557????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsService/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::o!o557…

            • Crystalsanderson


              “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


              two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoo!448????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsLive/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oo!448…..

          • Kemse

            This is depressing, more so because it’s reinforced by real life,in my experience, more often than not.

          • Wild Cougar

            I agree. I think men are afraid to leave their comfort zones because it might make them look dumb or they might end up exhibiting emotions they find less than manly. Image/ego above everything.

          • mhfrancois52

            Lol Scarlet I like your dad

        • Klondike38107

          I used to host a lot of events and there was always more women than men. Inevitably, the topic of relationships would always come up(brought up by the women). The women would relentlessly ask me and the other males there all types of relationship questions and “why do Black men do this or that?” i’m not the sole representative of every Black man on Earth, This used to irritate the heck out of me and most men would check out or leave.

          I think men and women have different social motivations and women love to sit around and talk for hours,mainly about nothing, men don’t.

          • Beauty In Truth

            Not really (for me anyway), but okay. I don’t like idle time. Never have. Who ya voting for?! And why?…Basically my convo. Perhaps a few seconds on MAC foundation shades and natural hair, then right back to business as usual. I can’t help it.

        • It seems you just don’t find searching for eligible partners as interesting as women do. Plenty of women with no interest in sports show up to watch parties because they know what ratio to expect.

          • black-a-rican

            I guess I don’t. If they choose to put themselves through something they don’t like to meet a partner, that’s on them. My #1 priority is living my life to the fullest, not finding a partner for life. If it happens it happens, but I’m not one of those who’s going to allow myself anything but pure happiness on the chance of meeting someone else.

      • The book I referenced was written in 1992.

        The first edition was written in the 1960’s.

        The trend has been around for awhile…the technology is just making it more efficient to fulfill what others desire.

        • Me

          This book was referencing social media in 1992? In what context?

          • I made the comment above to @Champ_Ion

            Social media exists because people don’t want to be social. Technology just makes it easier not to be so.

            • Me

              Right, but so what’s the reason for lack of attendance pre-social media when people did have to leave the house to meet folks? What I’m saying is, it can’t just be that men don’t wanna be social. My take is they only show interest in these “elevated” events b/c a designated partner has convinced them to try it. Not to be social, but to be with the one they already have their eye on. A large swath of these men end up falling off after they’ve solidified their place with the woman who brought them. Basically, she goes b/c she’s into it; he goes b/c he’s into her.

              • Take the club scene for instance… people used to go to dance. You go now… and it’s selfies and drinking and dudes watching girls dance. HOW LAME!

                • Hugh Akston

                  for some reason I thought women would be happy about this…why is it lame? I think it is better that way for men to keep their hands, thoughts, themselves to themselves…as someone in the comment section said guys dancing with guys…I used to that with my boys…form a circle and we try to outdo each other…girls? ehh…we good…but the mean stares from some of the women? just didn’t get it…some call us all kind of names…losers, creepers, mama’s boys..can’t get laid…etc etc..why should we bother approaching them? we already know how its going to be…

                  kudos to the guys that put themselves through the ringer trying to get at girls in the club and be turned down 100 times..just trying to get that one…too much energy for me…

                  • Maaaaan listen, I go to salsa clubs.. I go to dance… Back in the day- if a man saw a group of women dancing.. they cut in and it wasn’t a big deal… Now women are dancing because dudes don’t ask.. they stand and watch.. I don’t turn down men that want to dance and if they ask me for info ..I’m married.. it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to dance.

                    • Hugh Akston

                      I discovered salsa clubs when I was in Australia…since then I was hooked with the thrill…so I took a ballroom class my last year of college…here’s the thing

                      One of my humiliations was during the middle school last dance…I went to the girl that I had the crush on for a dance…I went and said “this may be the last time we will see each other, would you have this one dance with me?” then enrique came on “would you dance if i ask you to dance”…it was the perfect moment…you know what she said? “eww, you creep get away from me”…i laughed in pain…and stood in the corner…until the whole event was over…you can say well that was a long time ago…lol i could tell you the many times i’ve asked girls politely (re post college) for a dance…to get the same reaction…i went to a lot of parties because my friend is a dj…hasn’t change much…

                      so if im going to salsa…i bring a group of friends…and call it a day…may be guys in the old days didn’t have to worry about that…but the last thing i want to happen to me is for a girl to accuse me that i was harassing her…no thank you…i’ll stay in the corner somewhere…call me all the names you want…loser, creeper…etc…thats cool…

                      plenty of guys ask…but thats not the guys the ladies want to dance with…so we form our circles…and have a good time…

                    • Mochasister

                      I thought only girls/women dance in circles. Learn something new every day.

                    • Hugh Akston

                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Prr1bXy3hHU

                      i think you and i got different ideas

                    • Mochasister

                      Lol! Oh, yeah completely different pages! In fact we’re not even in the same book! I stand corrected.

                    • facts

                    • Mochasister

                      Oh man, I used to love salsa clubs! Back in the day my girls and I use to hit this one spot in L.A. Best of times. I stopped going when I saw two dudes dancing salsa together. That was tew much. :^/

                  • Beauty In Truth

                    I’d like to apologize on behalf of all the closet lesbians who keep that great wall of China pent up between their minds, hearts (and eventually thighs) then complain about being single.

                    Messing up the game for sure!

                • SororSalsa

                  Wow, I haven’t been to anything but a salsa club since 2002. I’m so spoiled. I wouldn’t know what to do in a club where no one was dancing.

                • Mochasister

                  Grown up version of junior high school dances! Meh, I’d rather stay home listening to my neighbors scream at each other in a foreign language.

            • YeaSoh

              Correction: social media exists because people WANT to be social… that statement you got there doesn’t really make sense. How could social media thrive if people didn’t want to be social?

              • -h.h.h.-

                social media exists on the internet. what NL is implying is that the increased online usage of social media makes it less…’worth the time’ to have actual face to face convos.

                so online ‘social media’ just makes it easier to be less social in the real world.

                • YeaSoh

                  I know exactly what he’s saying and I whole-heartily disagree. Show me how that is true beyond your theories… show me where you’ve seen someone who was once social in the physical, completely give that up to become an online social butterfly? People didn’t trade in one-on-one contact for social media. That’s ridiculous. If anything, the people who didn’t interact with people at all found a way to do so.

                  • TheCollinB

                    You may not be able to find the proof you want on a social dating level but social media has been tracked as a new major contributor for divorces, for the exact reasons mentioned. People withdraw into their apps and neglect real life relationships.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Ok wait, so are we talking about the effect of excessive social media use on marriages or the way social media has change the way we interact with each other (and when I say “changed the way we interact” I don’t mean the avenue in which we interact but more so the frequency and multitude of people)?

                    • TheCollinB

                      If social media is cited as a reason for divorce because people neglect their physical relationship due to on line activity I could only surmise that it would be an issue in the dating world as well. You can get most needs met without ever having to get off your phone.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Yeah, but that’s a drastic assumption regarding the use of social media… Why that’s important? In a relationship there’s a thing called trust… if one partner is using social media to gain ACCESS to other suitors (which is an entirely different conversation) than that is the issue not social media itself. So we should figure that out. Also I’ll remind you, this conversation isn’t about the effect of social media on people who are already in a relationship but about the ideal that people interact less (are more isolated) because of it.

                    • I think that’s kind of a self delusional trick we play though.

                      The reason why they’re not paying attention to their physical relationship, is because their online selves are simply more interesting. The technology makes social interactions more efficient, but the cost is that they are less real…but still feel real…pr0n is the metaphor for everything that goes on in the internet, and with VR it’s going to be even more profound.

                • Kemse

                  Just got that. Social media vs. social activity. Seemed like semantics at first but the literal interpretation of the latter terms absolutely enforces what NL is saying.

                  People will talk/communicate with each other for eons and be perfectly content not meeting or engaging physically. There’s been, I think, a rapid transition to this as the norm.

            • KB

              Gonna steal this quote and repost it.

      • Jennifer

        Facts and figures!

      • -h.h.h.-

        and asked them how they got into such hobbies/activities/interests,

        what hobbies/activities/interests are you alluding to?

        • Me

          The same ones in the article: book clubs, political debates, wine & cheeses, poetry, rallies, money management lectures, nerdcetera, nerdcetera, nerdcetera.

          • -h.h.h.-

            we’re active in all that you mention.

            in the same way you pose exasperation, i low-key feel the same when i go out to different events, i see either women that aren’t single, that aren’t looking, that i’m not attracted to, or just put out a wacky vibe.

            so in the end, we’re missing each other…*shrug*

            • Me

              But the question/topic is about the sheer numbers, though. I get that you’re not guaranteed to actually land a new hottie at any of these events, but the point is women (of all caliber) are showing up in droves, while men are showing up in scarcity. My theory is that men mostly just aren’t doing these things because it mostly isn’t interesting to men unless encouraged by a woman they know. Not always, but in large numbers.

              • -h.h.h.-

                i guess we have different motivating factors…which isn’t a negative, just a reality.

                i know it will be much easier, nowadays, to give a dude options of where he can go if he’s whining about being alone.

          • porqpai

            I’m loving you for nerdcetera lol cuz that’s me all over. But like even the geekiest black men I know will not go to comic cons. Numbers be low. Just saying.

            • Me

              You know what. Now that you mention this, I think part of the issue is that women are natural “cheerleaders”. I know when I want to get my dude to something that we’ll both genuinely enjoy, even if he says yes when I tell him about it early on and I know he’s not just doing it for me, I gotta do the “aren’t you excited? it’s coming up in x days! I can’t wait” song and dance to keep it at the top of his mind. Otherwise life will genuinely get ahead of him, and he’ll suddenly remember days after if we missed it. It’s like dudes need a personal hype man for the non-routine parts of their lives.

              • porqpai

                I mean, I feel you on that but as an example, my Bae likes things that are social. Is totally a social butterfly ( in his neighborhood ). This dude talks to errybody that moves in. And all the Cougars be checking for him but that’s a diff issue which really I laugh at, but anyway. I have been wih him for over a decade. I know what he likes. Getting this dude to go anywhere beyond, work, home, or anywhere food might be is like compressing coal into diamonds. Takes entirely too much effort and energy. I’m not here for it, so I happily do my own thing.

                He only comes with me when he feels like dudes my be checking for me which is hilarious because that is the absolute last thing I feel like dealing with at any given moment these days. Point is, I believe this behavior is a carry over. Men, at least in the cities I’ve lived in where the ratio is dramatically in favor of men ( I’d argue that’s pretty much every where ), they have gotten used to instant gratification. Why put forth ANY effort when it’s really not required to get what you want.

                I also recognize that women have a very complicated view of what they think men want whilst men’s minds tend to be far more pragmatic about these things. Bottom line, they will put forth the least amount of effort required to get exactly what they want in that particular moment. The end.

                Once this is understood, compromise is far easier to reach. And finding someone becomes much easier.

                • Mochasister

                  Hey, leave us cougars alone. We need love too. Some of these baby Negros are fine!

              • Kemse

                This mess kills me though. You gotta hype them up for things you propose even if they say they’re interested.

                But they don’t need no hype man for a televised sports game.

                Or hitting them combos after umpteen hours in their vid game of choice.

                Or whatever other thing they habitually do with no external reminder or motivation.

                Dudes know how to get hype and commit to remembering doing the things they deem important. Unless they’re super busy (most aren’t) there’s no excuse for them to forget.

                When I first noticed that I stopped giving the benefit of a doubt. If it’s important to you and you ain’t busy nobody’s got to remind you or tell you to get engaged. That’s been my experience with people across both genders.

                • Me

                  Fair enough. Guess it just doesn’t bother me to be the pop up reminder depending on the person. I have had friends and exes that I did stop inviting them because it seemed like they were doing it more FOR me than because they actually truly enjoy the things I invite them to, but outside of that, if it’s just bad memory, I don’t sweat it since I tend to be the planner of every group I’m in anyway.

                • wildcat1974

                  If you don’t PREACH!!!!!!!!!!

      • Tim O

        Disagree wholeheartedly on the whole activities/hobbies/interest theory….that only applies to stereotypical “couples” hobbies e.g. Cooking, dancing, wine tasting etc.
        a guy will probably only tell you the hobbies/interests he knows are likely to be in common with a girl’s hobbies/interests. She don’t wanna hear about your collection of Bruce Lee movies, or your Amateur rap career. (She especially doesn’t want to hear about how your mixtape can be used as a space heater).

        • Me

          Nope, name any hobby that doesn’t involve the gym or watching/playing sports/video games, and take a survey at the next publicized event. (The 3 you mentioned involve being home alone, and ain’t no woman straight up knocking down random doors to find men, so they don’t apply in this particular topic)

          • Tim O

            Jazz/ live music concerts, classic movie screenings, poetry slams, tech & hobby conventions/sales, dog shows, farmers markets, volunteer events, starving artist exhibits, continuing education classes. That’s all I can think of on my end, but there’s guys who have even more extensive lists of self discovered (non-home alone) hobbies like that.

            • Me

              All of these you’ve listed (minus dog shows and tech conventions), I’ve been there so many times. Nothing but older (as in 50+) dudes, and the men who were brought by their women. Definitely give it to you for the tech/hobby conventions, and I’ll throw in auto shows under that umbrella. Very man-centric for the women looking for the numbers, but also very sparse in occurance.

              • Tim O

                Yeah, forgot auto shows. And sadly I’ve seen mostly the same myself-I’m usually one of 10-20 people total under the age of 30 in those crowds.

                Either way what’s a 20-30 yr old guy more likely to have in common with a girl “jazz concerts” or “craft beer (substitute wine for the more refined) tasting”?

                • Me

                  I will say, I did have a GREAT time getting drunk one night when I went to an all guys happy hour with some coworkers and they took pity on me by giving me my own impromptu beer tasting bar hop. That night was fiya, but those dudes were married. I still don’t drink beer though, but it was cute how they turned even that into a competition for who can find the best beer for a woman who says she doesn’t drink beer. Men are funny.

                  • See how that dynamic is dramatically different from most singles events though?

                    • Me

                      Different from singles events, yes. But not different from hanging with people I already know. Those guys weren’t courting me, nor vice versa. Expecting that experience with people I just meet would be silly. But that points to what I’ve been saying along this comment board, which is that dudes’ interests fall within the realm of hanging with people they already know. They idea of socializing to meet new people of any gender is a woman thing, thus the low male turn out at “intellectual” events.

        • vernakitson

          Then he’s being dishonest and playing games. If he can’t say what he likes, regardless of whether or not she’s interested, then he should move on to someone else. That’s just unnecessary. The point is not to be like each other; it’s to learn from and appreciate each other’s interests and quirks.

      • vernakitson

        that is really, really pathetic. If men are not interested in the arts and culture, then on what basis can they claim to know anything about the world they live in — from their experience sitting on the sofa watching TV? Give me a break. Y’all need to do better. Put that college education to use.

        • Me

          See here’s the thing. I don’t think most men are claiming this though. Most men won’t say nothing if you don’t. It’s the vocal minority making it seem like men are the isht, and then the silent majority are just reaping the benefits. And this applies to EVERYTHING. You know how many men I’ve met expecting to have a built in handyman because I’ve heard dudes be fixing thangs? Only to find more than a few unashamed to be like, “nah, but I can help you look through the phone book for one though.” Imagine my dismay when I bought a fixer upper and had to actually hire folks for things. Same goes for “dudes be knowing cars”, yet can’t none of them help me haggle on a good price at the dealership. Or “dudes be talking that politics,” yet they can’t tell me nothing bout the umpteen debates that’s been on TV this election season. A lot of men are spuds with potential to be more if you light a fire under them. Too many of them can’t even find time to turn on the news for 30 minutes while they’re already glued to the TV. They’re creatures of habit, and habit tends to be work, gym, ESPN, and [insert clever video game name here]. They’ll get cultured when ESPN starts broadcasting cultural snippets (or when their boss says, “hey Jamal, I’m tapping you to come with me to this art exhibit next week… could mean a promo for you… make sure you read up on Gaugin”).

          • vernakitson

            In this day and age, you’re lucky if they know which end of the hammer is for driving the nail!

            Somehow, what they have learned from all the shit-talk with their boys is that as long as they talk a good game, they can get away with anything. Just plain lazy, and they learn that from media – look at the men in the TV shows and movies they are watching – that sells archaic notions of masculinity that say all they should be concerned about is the gym, the remote control and how to get some on the side. We need to raise the expectations on all sides, starting with our sons. And throw that remote control and console away!

            • Me

              Yep. Just a few weeks ago I was lamenting with one of my girl friends how wood shop and auto shop need to come back into the high schools. I’m all for gender equality and all, but I was taken aback when I realized I knew more than some dudes in these areas. What happened to pride in workmanship? The house I bought was from an old couple where the husband built half the house himself. Granted, I have to undo some of his workmanship, but it says a lot that he put decades of toil into making that house perfect for his family. I don’t wanna be the man in that scenario when I sell my first home years from now.

      • *snort laugh* Negro had a point… but upon further reflection… My husband had NEVER been to so much as a X-mas party with a girlfriend until me. I just think men don’t really think about this like women do.

        • Mochasister

          They don’t.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Exposure, or the lack thereof is the problem. We all know folks who live in fairly close proximity to great cultural elements: museums, libraries, art galleries, etc. and don’t frequent them or take our children to frequent them. Public support of the arts has severely impacted access for many kids and the negative extranality is the next generation fails to see the importance of these items of feel our of place attending events at these locations.

        • Me

          I took your reference to exposure in this direction in my head: men tend to be socially required to pay for their own way and for their dates whenever they go out. Most events aren’t free. So if single men feel like they have to bear the financial load on dates already, spending money on nice but unnecessary events just for S&G would cut into their available funds for the dates they do secure from these events. This wouldn’t be the major explanation, but I could see this being part of it. The idea that they don’t go because they weren’t brought as kids would be why they place going to these things alone at such a low priority compared to being financially prepared to do other things with a group. Thoughts?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            That certainly dovetails into a thought process. If I’ve never been to a nice restaurant, outside of the cost, I don’t know one spoon from the next or what wine to goes with my meal, or filet mignon is not to be eaten well done. A women will see right through you if you are putting on airs.

            Music was taken out of my school so I never heard or appreciated Bach. Why would I attend the Black Symphony, pay $150 for two tickets, and be bored for 2 hours?

            It definitely does tie in on many levels.

    • this sounds depressing but good to read.

    • Quirlygirly

      This is soo unfortunate and true. This is how you have people that die alone in their homes and no one knows about it until 3 years later.

      • Mochasister

        Well, damn. This thread took a depressing turn. Slinks off to go play with her fifty cats.

    • YeaSoh

      I can see why Boorstin (and I haven’t read this book, just going off your statement… I do plan to read this though, interesting that he’d bring this up in a book about advertising and curious how he ties it all together… anyway) would draw that conclusion but he can’t really prove it out and because of that I’m not so certain I agree. If anything we interact more mostly because we’re all so much more accessible…ugh and that is unfortunate. What I do agree with however is that technology has distorted our cognizance of reality.

      • Well, the proof is right there in front of you, but I think you’re misreading the problem, because you’re looking at it as though social media is as an independent entity, rather than part of a human trend.

        Take the example of sugar and soda:

        Soda is bad for you, as is sugar. This isn’t made up, it’s quite out there in our culture and common knowledge that sugar has really bad effects. Now the option most people aught to take is to just not drink it, but people still want to have soda and not have to deal with health issues that come with it, and the guilt associated with knowing that they’re being unhealthy.

        So businesses come around and develop the loophole. Whether it’s honey corn syrup, that they used to maintain sweetness while reducing sugar, or developing aspartame that provides the sensation of sweetness, the key thing is that you’re getting what you want, without all the negative side-effects…or at least you feel you are.

        • YeaSoh

          I don’t think that analogy works. It’s proposing people want to be isolated (sugar) and social media is an extension of it in an addicting/likable form (soda) but actually people don’t like isolation at all and while social media has been considered a form of isolation I question that highly when the very definition of isolation is to be apart from others… social media does the very opposite of that. That’s the very reason it was created. Maybe if you give me another analogy?

          • Nah, the analogy works, it’s the perspective you’re looking at it from that’s causing you to miss it.

            Look at it this way, think about a bunch of things that could go wrong in a social interaction, like dating? Just think of them, then think about how you could get around those, to remove the risk of them happening?

            • YeaSoh

              So?

              • Now would you buy that solution?

                • YeaSoh

                  Yes (not really but I want to see where this goes)… so what?

                  • Well, isn’t that what social media offers. Greater control over who you choose to socialize with and who you choose not to interact with?

                    • YeaSoh

                      Not necessarily… Yes, you can avoid people without rejecting them to their faces but you are still rejecting AND MAY ALSO GET rejected.

                    • Yes, true.

                      But the fact is it’s easier to reject.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Texting is easier that talking on the phone but people still talk on the phone. Watching tv is easier than reading but people still read. Perms are easier than being natural but you still got sistas… you get the drift.

                    • Well did I not say it’s a trend?

                      The fact is that the technology turns necessities into voluntary things. You used to have to go out to have social interactions. Now u don’t have too because social media made it easier…

                    • YeaSoh

                      What’s wrong with that? Like, no you don’t HAVE to go out to meet people and make connections but that doesn’t mean people don’t still go out and meet others because of it. I just don’t believe that. Like I said somewhere else, if anything people who struggled with general interaction before social media now have a way to do so more comfortably.

                      You’re initial comment was slanted like social media has become this detriment (replacement) to human interaction, as if people don’t interact in person because of it – a point that cannot be proven and honestly I believe the opposite to be true. And, while I do believe there are negatives to its overuse, especially, I just don’t agree with that initial theory.

            • Me

              Yo, I had to go back and reread your original b/c you lost me on this one too despite me disagreeing with you. I think your original thought is social media removes the EFFORT in getting the things we want. In that case, the sugar analogy doesn’t work because you’re talking about taking away negatives from the things we want. I guess if you consider effort to be a negative, it would work, but most people don’t. That’s more like the effect of online shopping on the profitability of brick and mortar stores. The convenience trumps the experience.

              But, I think YS is arguing social media isn’t removing the effort at all, it’s just providing new avenues for the people who weren’t making effort to begin with, but the people making the effort before are doing that and then some now with social media. That would be like Obamacare making insurance [arguably] cheaper for the country. The convenience is only noticeable to the people that had been deprived before.

              • Well, let me ask you a question:

                What does social media offer that doesn’t get offered from just pure social interaction?

                • Me

                  Hm… So, the thing is I fall in line with the people in YS’s theory, where I wasn’t a socialite before social media, and I’m still not one now, but when I get that itch, I go for convenience. If I think about some of my more popular friends, it seems like they’re still crazy popular but also bothering me with all the latest new apps they’ve downloaded every week. So for them, I guess they’d go for expanded reach. Now they’re ultra popular and never have time to be bored. But keep in mind, my sample size is small b/c I have very few friends to observe social media behavior from.

        • Gibbous

          I have to disagree as well, in that many of us effectively use social media to reach wider audiences when planning in person interactions & events. Example: I belong to a number of Meetups. Meetups is tailored to facilitate the in person interactions of strangers with common likes and/or beliefs. Meetups, however , also tend to be mostly attended by women. At least the ones I attend, which include outdoor based adventure activities.

          • But let me ask you: what are meetups replacing?

            • Gibbous

              It depends on the meet up. Some are purely social, and might replace the family & friends that you would hang out with if we never moved away from where we grew up. Others, like the black outdoor group that I belong to, fill a void. Many members like to go out hiking, camping or whatever, but felt like they were the only black person they knew who did. They are then thrilled to find that there are literally thousands of us in town who are willing to do these things together. And we do, and its fun, and we don’t have to convince anybody (family included) that its not strange or not black.

              • Is it fair to say it’s replacing community?

                • Gibbous

                  No, it’s not replacing community, it IS community. A community of choice and not just who you live by or happen to know. Maybe even community that you would not have had access to otherwise.

                  Another example is that I belong to a Black Marathon Runners Facebook and a Black Triathletes Facebook page. When I go to races, I have automatic community with folks that I may have never met in person before, but we know each other and they’ve supported me, given me training tips, race tips, encouragement and vice versa, without us ever having met. And when we do meet, it feels like we know each other because we do.

                  These social media groups enhance real life communities and exist in person as well as on line.

                  • Lol…u just proved my point.

                    You could even say they are “better” than the communities we find ourselves in.

                    • Gibbous

                      I’m not sure. I thought you were saying that virtual, social media communities (on line only) were replacing real life communities, and I was saying that social media can create or even enhance in-person, real life communities. Not necessarily to replace some current community, but to also offer access to communities that, geographically, one might not have had access to in the past.

                      Social media has allowed me to meet more like minded people, in person, face to face, than I would have before social media.

                    • I probably should have been more detailed in explaining what Boorstin was talking about.

                      The core of his book is that technology was advancing so much, that it was getting to the point where it could create images of reality that superseded reality itself. Where rather than saying, this is what reality is like, we would say, this is what reality aught to look like. The example you came up with was a good example. What makes a community, a community, is explicitly “geography.” It’s supposed to be limited by proximity.

                      The replacements feel like communities. And we even change the meaning of the terms community to match with the images of communities that we feel, but this all comes at the expense of what a community is in reality.

                    • Gibbous

                      Interesting. However, when people talk about the “Black” community, for example, (and I have issues with this term) they are not talking about geography, but common culture and experiences. Same with any kind of community based around a common activity. The running community, the biking community, for example. This is especially true when those communities gather at specific locations during the year. (Bike week is an example.) All of these communities existed before social media, but perhaps not before telephones.

                      See definition 2.

                    • Like I said earlier, the referenced book was originally written in the 1960’s. This has been going on for a long time…social media is adapting to us, not changing who we are, which I pointed out earlier. There was a demand, social media supplied it. It didn’t happen the other way round.

                      We’re redefining things to fit our feelings, and by doing so, we are losing the meaning of what those things actually mean, and the “limitations” that define them. We don’t want actual communities, we want what it feels like to be in a community…thus meetup (which I use too lol).

                      In 30 years, to socialize will mean something else entirely.

                    • Gibbous

                      I guess we’ll see. I hope that socializing will continue to primarily include face to face in person interactions. There is plenty of research that says we’ve evolved this way (women especially) in order to increase our survival as a species. Hanging out together releases hormones that make many people feel good! I don’t believe that social media and remote communities offer that reinforcement. Nor does ot stave off lonliness.

                      Hopefully, it will be similar to those who thought that the future of reading would be totally electronic. But here we are today, still using paper because it improves comprehension, reduces eyestrain and is more tactilely satisfying. While I enjoy social media, my friends and family and I prefer to hang out in person.

    • outlyer06

      “Why go out and deal with people, when the pleasures of loneliness and solitude are far more gratifying?”

      and so much more simpler and drama free…

    • Gibbous

      Black women are one of the largest user demographics of social media, and we still go out.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Da mn Negro, back at it again with the depressing perspectives. :-(

    • Beauty In Truth

      Is this real?

    • esa

      perhaps there’s a reason for this. media tends to provoke intense asocial and antisocial responses in people while simultaneously activating obsessive compulsive behavior. what’s intriguing is our unquestioning devotion to it. puts me in mind of the Aldous Huxley line: “People will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.”

      it cannot be denied that many have forgone discretion to less than fortunate results. but i feel like one of the virtues of living in an oversharing culture is that the planet is vastly overpopulated, and the beauty of all this media happening all the time is that it provides limitless possibility to those in search of something greater than the cheap and quick. everything cuts two ways and there is hay to be made, gold to be spun, if you are so inclined.

      now i know you love ad men but they carry some of the weight for the vapid state of affairs. caking off corporate ideology only makes them complicit as the masterminds in the analysis they’re selling like reheated leftovers. only now it’s not a formal advertisement; it’s something word. it’s a book—because what could be more self serving.

      can’t say these dudes ever miss a step.

      • Lol, I like advertising, not necessarily ad men.

        One of the things that Boorstin points out, which I often do as well, is that the success of advertising is a byproduct of our lack of desire to self-regulate and self-govern. Blaming them is simply an excuse not to change what we are currently doing, which ensures they maintain their position and we maintain our direction.

        Another reason, why I like advertising, is because my first introduction to business and commerce was at a marketplace in Lagos Nigeria, called Alade Market. It’s the first time I learned how hard it is to actually sell something and the eternal struggle between buyers and sellers (the whole corporation and political debates in this country are far removed from what most people would find to be the daily bore that business is on a regular basis, regardless of the size of the businesses). I learned to respect the game of business from there, and to see it for what it was, and will always be. I like advertising because it’s sales + practical psychology, perhaps the only place where psychological theories have to show their usefulness vs being tools of intellectual m@sturb@tion.

        • esa

          ~ I like advertising because it’s sales + practical psychology, perhaps
          the only place where psychological theories have to show their
          usefulness vs being tools of intellectual m@sturb@tion.

          nooooooo. this false dichotomy is breakin my heart. that and it feels like a fitting response to such a dramatical statement. surely there’s plenty of positive use for psychology besides huckster art. i dig your respect for the challenges of business but the predatory nature of advertising is hardly a standard bearer for such lofty qualifications.

          ~ Blaming them is simply an excuse not to change what we are currently
          doing, which ensures they maintain their position and we maintain our
          direction.

          oww you love to remove responsibility and relabel it as blame. how you manage to do this while siding with the oligarchy confounds me. #@%^#@#@ and #$%^*^&#$@ also @!#@$%^$#@ mm

          • Perhaps, because I don’t believe there is an oligarchy…the financial system would make more sense if there was. I’ve been studying finance over about a year now, ever since my little sister started to work at a firm in Wall Street, the more I’ve learned the far less I’ve been convinced that “the system” that exists is organized or coherent.

            As for business, I’ve never felt business
            was lofty. What I noticed growing up as a kid, is that the buyer and the seller were always trying to get over the other, and they both understood that this game was

            • esa

              you make it sound like chaos theory but i am suggesting its predatory behavior.

              • How so?

                • esa

                  you said: the more I’ve learned the far less I’ve been convinced that “the system” that exists is organized or coherent.

                  this suggests that chaos to me. but i think the system is coherent, and internally organized on some opportunistic ish. evidence of what is afoot is plentiful . but denial like the default.

          • Lol, my other message is in purgatory somewhere.

            I don’t believe business is lofty or ideal. It’s human, perhaps the most human of things – filled with good and evil, usually from the same people. I grew up as a kid watching my mom negotiate prices for meat with a trader, who had every intention to get the better side of the deal than she did, and it was vice versa with my mother. Both parties knew the game, and they knew that by both understanding the trade, they were able to keep each other in check…and they respected each other, by the time business was done.

            No matter what institutions exist, no matter how much money one group has over the other, humans have to make judgments, not only to protect themselves, but to govern themselves as well and keep those in power in check. I don’t subscribe to any ideal where there is a belief that benevolent leaders are the ones who lead humanity to salvation – it’s the ideal of aristocrats, always been and always will be, and the slight/explicit hatred of humanity usually goes along with it, even among the most benevolent of people.

        • Do you know any psychology behind selfies?

    • Furious Styles

      Agree, but up to a point. I plan to cop that book. Without having read it, I think it depends on what the technology is used for. It can be used to create networks, which are anonymous, large, not location bound, demand little from members beyond annual dues or a user account, and segmented…meaning the needs of the network matter more than the persons in it. Or it can create communities (like the person below mentioned with Meetup) which tend to be smaller, more intimate, expects more contributions from members, attentive to the whole person, has a physical meeting space, and if you go missing, people will notice and wonder where you are. Social media can serve either end.

    • Sahel

      Is this why divorce is at an all time high ….

    • Originalcutie

      Hmm, that may explain their absence in 2016, but this wasn’t a new phenomenon. Rather, I think that until there is a shift in their thinking or needs, most men will muddle around until they stumble upon what they want. Perhaps it is because many men have all the time in the world to find who they want and build a family even when they are 60 and women have an expiration date on their family creating abilities if that is their goal.

    • Emerson

      You assume that growing old in this new age will be the same as growing old in the past. Because of all this connectedness that we bemoan the new old may not be anything like it was.

    • Brandi Pettijohn

      Interesting insight. I wonder why this isn’t affecting women in the same way, because obviously we’re engaging in these platforms too… hmmm.

  • I just (like 4 seconds ago) found about Lit in Atlanta. I’ll make it a point to swing through the next one, as well as bring one of my boys.

  • Guest

    But where are the single men who are looking to date? Yes there are men at the gym, grocery store, n sports events, however just because they’re there doesn’t mean they’re single or interested in dating.

    • black-a-rican

      That’s just like meeting women anywhere as well. Welcome to the struggle.

      • Mika

        I have a hard time believing men have trouble meeting women. Like really hard. Explain.

        • Meeting women, agreed. Meeting women who are single and aren’t immediately traumatized by an approach? Another story.

          • Mika

            What kind of approach are you using though? I think a lot of women are, well, silly sometimes with what they expect from men, but really, we just want yall to be nice to us, LOL

            • TeeChantel

              and respectful.

        • Epsilonicus

          Meeting women and securing a date are two different things.

          • tgtaggie

            You forgot to add getting the date to go past the first date lol

          • Kai

            You’re like the relationship Grim Reaper! No chill

            • Mika

              word!

        • -h.h.h.-

          *sigh*

          it’s not as easy as you might want to believe…but whatevs.

          • Mika

            lmao nah tell me, don’t whatevs me, I want to understand your struggle.

            • -h.h.h.-

              i’m already behind the 8 ball because most women believe that men are chex-starved evil tiger-bears that if they dont get what they want, will molest, assault, r*pe, pillage, plunder the poontang regardless.

              how am i going to get through all that prejudice to find someone i think is attractive, that i can build with? call me lazy, but i’se as tired as you all are.

            • DG

              In short, we’re saying it’s one thing to meet a woman…you can meet women any- and everywhere. Approaching a woman that you’re interested in requires the right mix of timing, confidence, intelligence, non-threatening environment/language, non-verbal cue interpretation, etc. and a number of other factors that your average man must take into consideration (at least if he wants to be successful in his approach). It’s not always as simple walking up to an attractive woman and saying “Hello, I’m ____.”

              • Mika

                But we like simple. Don’t over think it. Just say hello. At the end of the day we just want you to be nice. lmao. where yall live man?

                • DG

                  FTR, I’m good. Just trying to explain where some of my fellow VSBs are coming from. Also, being nice is cool, but being attractive helps a lot when it comes to the approach.

                  • Mika

                    Same goes for men and women. I have tried to be “nice” and speak first and it didn’t work in my favor cause I wasn’t their cup of tea physically, so I get it.

                    • Quirlygirly

                      But isn’t that really what we are talking about here. It doesn’t matter how nice a guy/girl is..if you are not remotely attracted to them, they will get shot down.

              • But here’s the thing. The woman you’re waiting to approach just might start feeling the very same rejection you’re trying to avoid because you’re waiting on certain factors to line up right. She may start to feel like “Dang, what’s wrong with me?” because she’s not getting asked out, especially if you’re not exactly indicating your interest. Why does dating have to turn into Blue’s Clues?

                • DG

                  Well, nothing is guaranteed when it comes to dating & relationships. I believe dating should be fun, but it’s not always simple nor is it easy for all parties involved. Just like some men get rejected, some women never really get approached (or at least not by guys they want to approach). It’s up to the individual to decide how they should adapt and/or change if they desire a different outcome. That rejected man may have to get out of his head and start going to more functions like this post mentions to increase his odds. He may also have to work on his convo skills. Likewise, that woman may have to be willing to initiate the convo with men she’s interested in, just to get the ball rolling (I know some women hate to hear that, but it’s true). For both sexes, putting yourself out there comes with some inherent risk, but dating itself is essentially risk/reward scenario…you can’t have one without having some of the other. Just my .02.

                  • I hear you. I’m just not sure where the balance is. Nowadays guys are quick to call a chick “thirsty” for approaching them. Plus I kinda want to feel like a guy actually wanted me (was interested enough in me) to make the move. But then again, closed mouths don’t get fed, so a woman should be okay initiating first contact. I dunno, I think I just want to wake up one day and my husband is magically laying in bed next to me, lol

          • Charles Johnson

            It’s like you want to explain you ain’t got that energy right now hahhahaha

            • TeeChantel

              An explanation would help though. I always thought men had an abundance of options when it came to dating….

              • Quirlygirly

                Me too! But I guess it would depend on what they are looking for. Just like women, men have standards too

              • Mika

                Right. I am curious.

                • outlyer06

                  just watch any 2 live crew videos from the 90’s but on the beach with waaaaaaay more ratchets an goons with gold teeth…
                  oh and lot’s of drunken sexual assualts

              • -h.h.h.-

                what option do i have when

                Women are raised to think a stranger man is going to molest or assault us at any moment because y’all are deemed as feral animals.

                i’se as tired as you alls is.

              • tgtaggie

                Depends on factors like location etc. if you live in atl, dc yeah I would think options abound.

                • TeeChantel

                  I’m in the DC/Baltimore area so that’s why I find it difficult to believe men have a hard time securing dates. I was chatting with this one dude from my job who lived in DC. He was dating at least 4 other women… I was like nah, bruh I gotta cut you off.

                  • tgtaggie

                    See I live in SC. So my perspective is way different from yours. It’s harder to find quality in these parts. Plus, I’m not tryin to move anytime soon (I just built a house).

                    DC is another ballgame bc it’s like fishing with dynamite up there. A guy like me will probably boo’d up in no time up there. Most ninjas up there know that they can date multiple women and the women be ok with it.

                    I just want a nice woman to do life with.

                    • “I just want a nice woman to do life with”

                      Bike week is in a few months…

                    • TeeChantel

                      I’m going for the first time. I’m not sure what to expect.

                    • tgtaggie

                      Go to Charleston or Wilmington instead. You’ll thank me later.

                      The way law enforcement acts on that weekend kinda makes you shake your head

                    • TeeChantel

                      I have a feeling that might happen. We’re planning a girl’s weekend and we already booked our room on Myrtle Beach. I least I can say I’ve been to bike weekend.

                    • tgtaggie

                      Just ride on down hwy 17 to Wu’s neck of the woods and enjoy yourself in Charleston. A lot nicer and way more fun on that weekend. Lol

                    • DG

                      It’s not quite what it used to be…the city has tamped down a lot of the more questionable activities that used to happen way back when. Still, you can have a good time on the beach.

                    • Never been. Not my scene.

                    • DG

                      Went once, maybe 10 years ago, just to see what the fuss was about…discovered it’s not my scene either.

                    • tgtaggie

                      Lol. I live less than 50 mins from myrtle and you will never catch me down there on that weekend Lol

                    • SMH

                      I’ve never been and I aim to keep that record in tact. Cheekie should pen a script for a bad movie on SyFy about a swarm of Chlamydia infect gnats that starts at bike week attacks the southeastern coast.

                    • tgtaggie

                      It’s so bad. I saw a YouTube video of it a couple yrs ago and I was like. You’ll never see me down there.

                    • TeeChantel

                      Ooh. I need to watch this video. If it’s really that bad I’ll keep my behind right on the beach.

                    • tgtaggie

                      Bike week is a little too hood my taste. If you like doing hood rat things with your friends while on vacation. Then this might be the event for you. It’s kinda like watching a late 90s rap video on repeat.

                    • TeeChantel

                      I’m a bougie as they come. I don’t like to do hood things at all but the way my cousin explained it to me, she made it sound like it was a lot of fun. Shame on me for not looking into it.

                    • tgtaggie

                      It could be. That’s my perspective bc I’m basically a local lol. Plus I’m country bougie

              • Charles Johnson

                Women have a much easier time meeting men. Facts. But a quality man? Not so much. A lot of duds outchea
                When I used to go out, I’d come up to a girl and say something amicable, goofy, or a lil flirty. Would get shut down on the regular. I opted for online because I’d have to talk to too many people, more than I’m comfortable with.

                • TeeChantel

                  Well, those women ruined it for the rest of us. I’m a chatty person so I like when a guy comes up to me and says something goof or funny. It really shows a lot of personality. If online dating works for you then I say continue with that.

            • -h.h.h.-

              and then when i give my interpretation…of the situation..folks get spottieottiedopaliscious, insinuate i sound hurt, etc.

              nah i’m good…i know what i need to work on, and in the meanwhile, these groupon travel deals can be spent dolo lol.

              • Mika

                They are awesome by the way.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I don’t. Women are raised to think a stranger man is going to molest or assault us at any moment because men are deemed as feral animals. I can see it being hard for them.

          • -h.h.h.-

            once again for the women that don’t wanna hear it from me:

            Women are raised to think a stranger man is going to molest or assault us at any moment because y’all are deemed as feral animals. I can see it being hard for them.

          • DG

            Yeah, I think this is one of those things many women overlook because traditionally men are the approachers/pursuers. A woman can approach a man in just about any setting/environment and not be viewed as a threat. We men, on the other hand, actually have to be cognizant about where we are just as much as what we say to women. Approaching that attractive woman when she’s alone at the bus stop or waiting on the train will garner a vastly different response than approaching her at the wine tasting or singles mixer.

            • cakes_and_pies

              For real. Former boo said he was afraid to approach me at first because I held my purse so tight, he thought I was gonna use it as a weapon if someone came at me wrong. He wasn’t incorrect.

        • tgtaggie

          I have the worst luck lol. Seriously, I’m 30, no kids, college educated and around 6’4ish, came back home to run the family business. Plus I love my momma and is very spiritual. And I get no attention from women. I’m convinced either I smell like f*ck off or have f*ck off written on my forehead.

          • Mika

            Where are you meeting these ladies? What do you say? I just want to meet someone who doesn’t have gold teeth in their mouth. *shrugs*

            • TeeChantel

              “I just want to meet someone who doesn’t have gold teeth in their mouth.”

              Yes, chile. LOL.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                Upgrade to platinum fellas. Or get silver and say it’s platinum!

                • TeeChantel

                  LOL, right? I’ve been doing it all wrong.

            • tgtaggie

              If I’m out and about. I at least speak. Then most of them look at you with disdain. So you charge it to the game and keep it moving

              • Mika

                I should trip them.

            • Right? And can maybe discern between your and you’re on a good day. I don’t ask for much.

          • cakes_and_pies

            Are you hyper focused on achieving some sort of goal? Women call usually tell when a man is hyper focused and don;t give him the time of day because we think there is no room for us.

            • tgtaggie

              I think I could be. I run a family business so that alone makes the dynamic different. Plus I wanted to get myself to a point where I’m not struggling financially.

              I’m actually pretty content in my singleness. So I’m not desperate to meet someone. But it would be very nice to have someone to build with. It’ll make the ride much more enjoyable.

              • cakes_and_pies

                You gotta look up once in a while. I guarantee some lady is waiting for you to meet her gaze.

                • tgtaggie

                  I’m learning how to stop and look up every once and awhile

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          10% of dudes have no shame and no filter.

          85% are deaf, dumb, or blind when it comes to holleration.

          I consider myself a poor righteous teacher.

        • outlyer06

          there’s some new movement where to even approach a chick is now considered street harassment.

    • Sadly, I think they are all on line.

    • Charles Johnson

      It’s damn near impossible to meet in the traditional sense. I have better luck online, as if that’s a screener for dem Chris browns who don’t have chris brown money

      • Mika

        I would say I draw even on this one. I think people lie anywhere you meet them. Le sigh.

  • -h.h.h.-
  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    *grabs rayon shirt*
    *jumps into cavaricci’s*
    *inundates self with Drakkar*
    *checks Kane flat top*
    *shines silver toe shoes*
    *gets pumped up with Bell Biv Devoe*
    *finger pistols self mirror*

    Still got it

    • kid video

      This has been my “going to the club” routine since the early 90’s.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        I’m saying, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

      • miss t-lee

        You still wear drakkar?

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          I use Cool Water and Joop when I run out. Thinking about upgrading to Le Male or Issey Miyake, but they a bit new school for me.

          During the week though strictly Black Love body oils that they sell on the green line.

          • miss t-lee

            Please upgrade your fragrance situation.

            • Brooklyn_Bruin

              Next you gonna want my dreadlock Jheri curl gone too.

              • miss t-lee

                Hey…whatever’s clever.

          • Jennifer

            Ooh lord! I haven’t smelled Cool Water in over a decade, but I can still “smell” Cool Water. The gentlemen who wore that knew nothing about subtlety.

            • porqpai

              And I’ll be very glad to NEVER smell it again.

          • tiggatae

            JOOP!!!

        • kid video

          I rock Egyptian Musk at the Hotep convention…D&G when I hit the club.

          Adds to the list…
          *grabs Polka-Dot shirt…cause the green paisley one was dirty*
          *pops in cassette tape of Guy’s first album…the first song is ‘Groove Me’*
          *make sure SkyTel pager is fully charged*
          *decides whether to rock the MCM fanny pack*
          *Fila’s or Nike Cortez?
          *before leaving the crib, remembers to grab those ‘Dwayne Wayne’ glasses, with the flip up rims*

          • miss t-lee

            Chile…

          • -h.h.h.-

            yo at the next hotep convention, i’ll trade you an Aramis for one of your Egyptian Musks lol

            • kid video

              Deal…i still got a back up bottle of Hai Karate.

          • Quirlygirly

            I say do the Filas so the ladies will know you soo fly!

            • kid video

              I only got the ones with the strap around the ankle.

              • Quirlygirly

                Them the ones tho!! You gonna kill em with those!!

          • TeeChantel

            Egyptian Musk… hmm… that used to get me back in the day.

          • Mochasister

            I thought I was the only old Negro here. Hello, fellow raisin!

        • DG

          Lol…

        • Fun fact:

          If you buy a used Jaguar from the years 95-2008 they come with a bottle of Drakkar and a blue tooth ear piece.

          • miss t-lee

            I can believe it…lol

    • Charles Johnson

      Oh shyt that made me laugh out loud. Got these 2520s lookin at me

      • Mochasister

        Watch yo’self now. When Negros have too much fun, they start to investigate.

    • Tambra

      Rayon shirts?? I hope you don’t mean those from the ’90s?

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Strictly polka dots. Biggie was wrong, word to Kwame.

        Summertime hit, I’m on that Alex Vanderpoole.

        • Tambra

          I think you just seared my eyes. I was thinking “In Living Colors”, but this is just as bad.

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            You ain’t ready for this a Troop short set.

            • kid video

              She gon learn tho…she gon learn.

              • Tambra

                I am a Taurus, and one thing we are is stubborn, so nope I aint gonna learn.

                • Mochasister

                  Fellow Taurus here. I prefer the term “determined.”

            • Tambra

              Oh gosh no!! Why why why? What sin have I committed?

            • Quirlygirly

              LOL!! I just visualized this and I am rolling!!

    • Quirlygirly

      Sounds like you ready to do the darn thing!

    • outlyer06

      don’t forget the “hammer pants”….

  • Ess Tee

    Lordt. Panama’s post ’bout to start up round 104790174109 this week of “Battle of the Chexes.”

  • TeeChantel

    Ski trips, apparently.

    A guy friend went on a ski trip last weekend and said it was a pure sausage fest. He was made as h e l l. Too bad I don’t do cold, snow or anything that involves skis.

    • Jennifer

      Your guy friend is right tho. If necessary, I can teach you how to layer so much you’ll never get cold at the lodge. You can be sipping cocktails by the fire in your cute outfit.

      • Quirlygirly

        Sounds like what I would do!. Would go on a ski trip and never get on skis.. I would be by the fireplace sipping brown liquor and acting a fool!

        • Jennifer

          lol…I’d join you after a few slow-a$$ trips down the mountain.

          • TeeChantel

            Soooo…. Quirly and Jennifer, y’all setting up a Ski Trip or nah?

            • Quirlygirly

              The season almost over..got to put something together for next year.

              OOOHHH and I have the perfect indoor boots too!!

            • Jennifer

              Not it.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Make sure sausage is checking for buns before sending her off. If it’s sausage on sausage that’s still a lose.

    • Guest

      Can’t we just go n hang out in the ski lodge (whatever they call it) siping hot chocolate n looking cute?? If so sign me up!

      • TeeChantel

        As long as I don’t have to go out in the cold I’m down.

  • BlueWave1

    Those kinds of events can seem like role plays. Everyone puts on their “intellectual” hat. They break out their best vocabulary. They go out their way to prove they are not part of the monolith. Meanwhile, beneath the surface most are looking for a hook up for the night. Most men don’t want to deal with the charade. At least at the club we can drop all the pretense.

    And yes, this is a generalization. But I remember hitting these kinds of event in late 90’s and early 00’s. They were huge in L.A. back then. My buddies and I quickly got over these kinds of events.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      And most men are idiots when it comes to affairs and affairs of the heart.

      I understand, I just don’t condone.

    • cakes_and_pies

      I call those “peahenning events”. Just women looking to one up another woman via clothes, natural hair, shoes, purses, and massive vocabularies, and professional acronyms littering their last name.

      • miss t-lee

        hahahahha.
        We’re >here<

        • cakes_and_pies

          I stay away from events were people like to hear themselves talk out loud. Boring.

          • miss t-lee

            Listen.
            LISTEN.

          • Quirlygirly

            LOL- I have a girlfriend like that. Always yapping about what she got and has done. I listen but I want to say “Yo, I really don’t care about your shoes or purses- yeah they cute but I don’t care about the details of how you got them”

            • cakes_and_pies

              My circle consists of Ph.Ds, chemists, attorneys, business owners, etc… When we go out, all we want to do is eat wings and drink whiskey. Not talk big and show off.

              • porqpai

                This is me and my peeps. If that’s what you’re looking for, we here in the DMV lol

      • TheCollinB

        Shorty raw!

      • outlyer06

        * denzel voice*

        my nihgga…

      • Langston

        The voice of reason. I feel you.

    • kid video

      All the more reason to keep it a hunnid at these functions. Treat it like the club without music.

  • LMNOP

    Men seem to really enjoy video games. Even more than artsy literary events.

    • I mean, you can play video games in your drawls while eating flaming hot cheetos. What’s there not to like?

      • TeeChantel

        All day, though?

        • Charles Johnson

          Try playing call of duty for an hour. I dare you.

          • TeeChantel

            I tried it — with an ex one time — it was too gory for me.

          • cakes_and_pies

            I like watching men play video games. I’m weird like that. I have a twitch account. But I can’t play for nothing. A man let me try to play metal gear and GTA and snatched the controller out of my hand because I didn’t know what I was doing. All I could do was crawl and die.

            • porqpai

              This is me with FPS of any sort. But give me third person and I’m on point. I used to be in to the sports games NBA Live and Madden, but it got mad repetitive and boring. OTOH, I loathe games like Destiny that take FOREVER grinding before you can get up. I also dislike team games because I have no desire to take verbal shots at an ignorant 12 yr old. Turn based RPGs I like to watch rather than play. But I am all the way here for gaming and gaming events. Just not esports. Not into it.

              • cakes_and_pies

                I’m not sure if i should be happy or upset that I know what you’re talking about.

                • porqpai

                  Be happy, that means there’s more of us out there lol

        • Epsilonicus

          You dont even know lol

          • TeeChantel

            Obviously, I don’t. I can’t be hooked into something for that long.

        • Just until you’re too drunk or tired to be good.

          • TeeChantel

            What scares me are the stories I hear about guys playing for 23-24 hours straight and just fall over dead. That’s crazy.

            • Yeah, that’s nuts. I’ve heard these stories too.

        • Brandon Allen

          Yes ma’am.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      I tend to enjoy women more than video games. I even run into rage quitters

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