Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

Dear Black Men: Black Women Always (Always!) Show Up To Events. Why Don’t You?

In 1999, girl group 702 (which included my boo-in-my-head at the time, Kameelah Williams) released the song “Where My Girls At?” It is a great song from a great group from the ’90s that brings me much joy and happiness.

Well, it’s 2016, and I’m asking, “Where my dudes at?”

Why am I asking this? I’ll tell you why I’m asking this. Here’s why I’m asking this.

In Washington, D.C., I have the good fortune of being able to curate some events from time to time. Currently, I am on the books for three monthly events; two are parties and one is a literary karaoke of sorts called Lit.District. It is an offshoot of an event started in Atlanta called Lit. The purpose of this event is to be a monthly book club of sorts, except this one includes a DJ, lots of liquor and readings based on a theme. This event has been pretty successful so far, in terms of participation, save for one extremely noticeable issue: There are almost no men.

The last event had about 60 folks in attendance, six of whom were men (one was the photographer and another was the DJ, so I’m not even sure they count). The dearth of men at events like this is something that’s pretty common in most major cities, I’d wager. While women come out in droves to attend events that aren’t typical club fare, men are almost nowhere to be found unless they’ve been invited by a homegirl or girlfriend, and they almost always remark about the fact that it’s a chick buffet.

I mean “buffet” in the nicest possible way, dontchaknow. As an enlightened brother, I realize that referring to women in the buffet sense is probably sexist and treats women like objects—food objects. And I’m sure most of us like food, but objects nonetheless. Rest assured, I mean a good buffet, like, one with waffles and fresh fruit and produce, as opposed to, say, Golden Corral or Cici’s Pizza, which, while satisfying, isn’t exactly where you’d take your boo on the pivotal third date.

Let’s just move on.

Now, I know I’ve read articles in various places with titles like, “Great Places to Meet Women,” and numbers 1-9 are typically “not the club.” It’s great to meet women at places like church, poetry slams, open mics, etc. And those things are all true to a degree. But even at those places, there are still usually way more women than men in attendance, and it always leaves me wondering, where the hell are the men? It’s not like they don’t know about these events, but it seems like women’s interests tend to be piqued much more by different types of experiences than men’s. I have no idea if this is actually true, but based on my scientifically anecdotal observations, it would lean more toward true than false.

This wouldn’t be an issue if there weren’t hordes of men on message boards and in places like VSB comments wondering where to find a nice lady. Of course, you don’t really know what kind of woman you’re meeting just because of where you meet her, but since so many people (stupidly) view the club as not the best place to meet a potential suitor, the fact that men are effectively ghost participants in alternative events is baffling.

If I were a dude looking to meet women who I assumed had more to offer than their T&A—again, a stupid assumption (some of the most interesting women I know were cocktail waitresses at popular nightclubs; they were just hot and used it to finance their foodie habits)—the first places I would go would be events that involve books and art and artists who don’t say things like, “That’s why my bitches love me.”

Yet and still, like clockwork, I know that if I choose to either curate or attend an event that offers more than just a DJ and bottles of Ciroc, there’s a better than 50 percent chance that the room will be full of women, probably largely single, who would happily engage in a conversation with a nice fellow in a safe space. Shucks, it seems like when there are men at these events, there tend to be conversations happening where the men end up being the central figure.

But I feel like I’m preaching to the choir. We know where all of the women men claim to want to meet are; the question is, where the hell are the men who claim they’re looking to meet these women?

That’s what I want to know. If I could magically figure out how to even out the ratio of men to women at these events, I’d be a millionaire and people would write articles and books about my genius. I’d be the king of eggs and sausage. For now, I’m just as curious as everybody else.

I mean, the Golden State Warriors don’t play every night, ya know?

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • miss t-lee

    “We know where all of the women men claim to want to meet are; the question is, where the heyll are the men who claim they’re looking to meet these women?”

    Ladies who go to these events *been* knowing this. It’s part of the reason I’ve opted out. I have enough friends, and not looking to add any to the roster.

    • I can’t answer for the dudes looking to chose or get chose but I do think a lot of dudes don’t go to things like this because their boys don’t/won’t go.

      *Total aside*
      “I have enough friends, and not looking to add any to the roster.” <<<<——- As for this I just don't hang out with a lot of new cats. A lot of dudes are just find it hard to make new friends (especially male) as adults.

      • Mika

        I think this is an adult thing. I barely have time for the friends I have now. Sometimes I think it makes me a bad person, but then, well, life just happens. And the thought of making new friends, with new personalities, is just so, well, exhausting. I wish I had a better attitude about making friends post 30 lol.

        • tgtaggie

          Yeah, I agree with you. Dealing with new personalities can be a bit much when I’m already busy with work, life etc

      • miss t-lee

        I can totally understand this. Both points.

    • Jennifer

      “Ladies who go to these events *been* knowing this. It’s part of the reason I’ve opted out. I have enough friends, and not looking to add any to the roster.”

      What she said. But, see y’all at Reminisce on Saturday. I just wanna dance.

      • Quirlygirly

        “I just wanna dance.”

        That pretty much sums up my going out experience. If I am there I am their for whatever the attraction is ie music, poetry, eating ribs etc not to meet guys.

        • And the guys know that too. LOL

          • Freebird

            Which explains in part why dudes don’t go.

      • miss t-lee

        Yup…if I do go out I just have a great time, I’m not trying to meet anyone, just wanna have a drink or seven and dance.

        • Quirlygirly

          “a drink or seven”

          OKAY!!! and some good music. I will go dance hard and be sore in the morning but I will have had a great time

          • miss t-lee

            Having a good time is priority one.
            Meeting someone? Icing on the cake.

  • They in the barbershop putting together hotep approach techniques that don’t involve the words “queen” “Kemet” “shea butter” and “good credit”.

    • Epsilonicus

      Don’t forget Negus

    • panamajackson

      This made me laugh out loud.

    • Khai

      And speaking in medu neter

  • Jennifer

    *sigh* As a DC lady, the struggle is real. Honestly, events like this just make me tired at this point. You look around the room at all of the women–we all know why we’re there. It’s why I find other ways to meet potential beaus and just keep my interests as stuff I do for the fun of it.

    • Why don’t you go where the men are? Why should they have to fit into your space if you aren’t willing to fit into theirs? I’m not mad, but I’m asking that as a broader point. How come these single meetups have to be at women friendly activities?

      • black-a-rican

        In this society, women are the ones who get to choose.

        • Then f*ck society then. Step into my world before I step into yours. If it makes me look cold, close off, intense and/or hard on women, so be it.

          • miss t-lee

            Todd…seriously?
            Come back to reality for just a second homie.

          • Quirlygirly

            Who hurt you today?

            • Jennifer

              He needs some Iyanla bosom!

              • Quirlygirly

                LOL!! It has been a while since we had to activate Iyanla bosom!

            • No one. Just rethinking who I let into my world. Why shouldn’t the women have to make the first move and enter into my space before I do so in turn?

              • Jennifer

                But, women do that. I see it all the time. I see it succeed for them, but I’ve always seen it fail. It just depends on the person.

                • SimplePseudonym

                  I had an epiphany as a friend was telling me some story about being somewhere with a guy she was attracted to and waiting for him to come up to her. I told her, “Why can’t you go for the guy you really want instead of feeling like you have to settle for what comes to you??” Then I said, “Damn, that’s great advice.” and I started approaching guys that I found interesting, attractive, etc. No regrets. :)

                  • Jennifer

                    I do it too. Life is too short.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      My grandmother always said “Closed mouths dont get fed”

              • Quirlygirly

                Doesn’t the woman making the first move show a level of dominance? Is that what you are asking for – to be dominated?

                S/N I dont mean this in a s e x u a l way

                • Epsilonicus

                  Nope not at all. It is what sets her a part from other women.It also shows confidence.

                  • Quirlygirly

                    Confidence shows itself in many other ways besides making the first move. Confidence in a women can be seen in her walk, her dress, and non verbal language

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Meh. Most direct way is her saying something. The rest you listed you have to “interpret”

                    • All those other things are subject to interpretation. Walking up to me and hearing you say hey, I think you’re cute requires nothing.

                  • Brother Mouzone

                    I agree. My wife made the first move on me and I’m glad she did because as fine as she is, I would have definitely not said anything to her. She’s 29 but looks like she’s in high school. The confidence combined with the down-to-earth demeanor was what got me.

                • No. I’m asking for chutzpah, to stand out. What makes you different than the randoms out here that I should talk to you.

                  • Quirlygirly

                    Wait so if she does make the first move she isn’t worth your words?

                    • Epsilonicus

                      It means she is.

                    • No, if she makes that move, that gives her points off the top.

            • cakes_and_pies

              Not “today” though…..

        • Quirlygirly

          I keep hearing that but men are doing the choosing too! Poontang is thrown at dudes all the time

          • black-a-rican

            Not like you guys get it.

          • tgtaggie

            Where they doing that at? Lol In my 30yrs ( about to be 31 in 3wks) it has yet to happen to me lol

            • Quirlygirly

              TGT!! How ya doing?

              I dont know the exact place were tang is being thrown but I have seen chicks fighting over dudes all the time.

              • tgtaggie

                I ain’t never had a chick (or chicks) fight over me. I got to be doing something wrong lol

      • Epsilonicus

        If you wanna get chose, you gotta go where the choosers are.

      • Jennifer

        Hmmm…I would say I do go where the men are. I’m into sports, so I go to games, watch parties, and events at sports bars. Men run all up and through the Latin dance scene trying to find ladies. I’ve had luck there. It’s these singles events that have been worthless to me. I feel like DC women are aware of these places and they flood them trying to find dates too.

        Now, if you have any suggestions, Todd, help a sister out! What are the hidden gems I don’t know about? I’ll gladly take notes.

        • When it’s nicer, parks. Usually plenty of dudes around involved in various activities, and they all take breaks. Also, they are usually open to be social.

          • Jennifer

            *writes, 2. parks* *raises hand* Should I stay clear of the ones around here with the homeless and drug addicts?

            • If you go to them, look for dudes doing chin ups and dips on the kids playground equipment.

              • Jennifer

                Noted. lol

        • Epsilonicus

          I know in Baltimore, social sports groups have plenty of men

          • Jennifer

            Yeah. I did a touch football team when I was living in Baltimore. I didn’t want any of THOSE dudes to touch me tho. lol

      • panamajackson

        What confuses me about your suggestion is that women should go to a place where women are USUALLY not even welcome. Short of things being listed as “women” events, most are super gender neutral. So to me, it sounds like you’re saying, “I don’t like that, come to where I’m doing what I like and maybe you’ll meet somebody.” There’s no meeting in the middle. How a book event is women friendly is beyond me.

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you…lol

        • Perhaps it’s my warped mindset, but I respect a woman bold enough to hold her own in my space. If you can’t do that, I know where I can find other women who are bolder.

          • panamajackson

            Which is fine, but you have to acknowledge you’re pretty much saying that its pretty much your way or the highway.

            • Fair enough.

            • Epsilonicus

              “Which is fine, but you have to acknowledge you’re pretty much saying that its pretty much your way or the highway.”

              I feel like too many people approach dating that way, especially as the get over the age of 25.

            • John Shannon

              That’s what a plethora of women feel nowadays

          • Quirlygirly

            But you are not looking for a “relationship” in the traditional terms so that type of women you are looking for would not necessarily reveal herself at a book club event

            • Epsilonicus

              Todd’s type would be at a swingers club and a book event. Just because they are into kink does not mean that they don’t like literature.

              • You say this a half hour after I was invited to a kinky bourbon tasting. I wish I was lying.

                Also, I have a diverse palate, and I do range outside of freak stuff occasionally.

                • L8Comer

                  Ohhh I wanna go. Kinky how though?

            • Believe it or not, I’m am interested in more traditional affairs. It’s just easier to impress me in the bedroom then out of it.

              • Quirlygirly

                You sound like a hard person to impress in both places

            • John Shannon

              Traditional =Patriarchy and last I checked they was the Enemy Mentality…… You can pick and choose what you like out of it and still say Eliminate it. That’s what a ton of men are saying but not in the words that make sense

          • Marc.J.H.

            I don’t think women meeting men in their “own space” is happening much these days. That can be a dangerous game for a woman to play.

          • L8Comer

            What or where is your space? What are men friendly spaces? I can only think of a sports bar. Don’t plenty of women hang out there anyway? if not for the sports, then for happy hour and cheap wings?

        • Ess Tee

          Listen.

      • Ess Tee

        You’re suggesting this, but is it really feasible to, say, roll into a sports bar during some finals game and perch myself onto a bar stool and watch some dude watching a TV?

        • Epsilonicus

          Or maybe you speak and say hi. If he doesn’t respond with enthusiasm, approach the next one. Guys do it all the time.

          • Ess Tee

            Oh, I speak and say hi. I was mainly addressing how rigid Todd is being about this “Come to *my* domain, woman!” ideal.

        • And talk intelligently about what’s on there. I had a chick impress me with her knowledge of coaches.

          • Ess Tee

            That’s too much now lol. I’m supposed to roll up (during game five, let’s say) *and* know sports trivia? Hmph.

            • God Shammgod

              Don’t do it. Don’t set a bar for being a “guys” girl when you’re not. Start a whole relationship based on a fantasy of yall having the same interests, as someone who is into sports, its not worth it.

              • Ess Tee

                Girl.

                But Todd out here demanding these things then gon’ be mad when a woman in his “man space” but can’t hold a conversation about Phil Jackson’s coaching style or whatever.

              • John Shannon

                Boys like the Homegirls and place them in the Friendzone, Men are impressed with sports knowledge

            • Yes. If you want to impress me, compare and contrast the Princeton and triangle offenses, and explain your favorite between the Virginia pack line, the Boeheim 2-3 and the Chaney match up. And rank your favorite NBA players from the current members of the Mountain West conference. I’ll buy you a drink for that. Maybe even dinner.

              • Ess Tee

                You trippin’, homey.

                • You asked for assistance, and I offered. If you can do that, we can definitely hang out on all sorts of levels.

            • John Shannon

              But you expect a Guy to know about Feminine books, poetry that’s not Erotic or Black Nationalist, etc? Heck, many kids today don’t know Shakespeare. Many don’t know politics or such but they know celebrity gossip

              • Ess Tee

                Feminine books, bruh? Ha!

                Just like I don’t know detailed sports trivia (I know enough for a very casual conversation so don’t ask me about who scored a triple double in game three of the finals in 2003), I don’t expect a guy to know all there is to know about, say, Toni Morrison.

                My larger point was the (very rigid, I think) idea that women HAVE to go where the men are. On top of that, the idea that woman should be able to speak IN DEPTH about this thing that the man has interest in while dude should have leeway about what interests the woman.

                • John Shannon

                  I’m a Zane, Omar Tyree, Toni Morrison and Eric Jerome Dickey fan. I’m all about Erotica novels, but I would not talk to a woman about these books. I read to Read, not Pick Up Anyone, same way Women go to the Club to Dance, not get hollered at.

                  When I did go to Church it’s to get the Word of God, not hide my Inner Freak to talk to Miss Sandra’s Daughter who’s also a Freak but is Celibate because her Family is Strict.

      • Duck Dynasty

        I agree. Its sad that women have gotten so detached from understanding men that the simple suggestion of “going where the men are” is like asking a random person to translate the dead sea scrolls.

        This article appears to be written from the frustration that women feel. If its their frustration in meeting men, then its in their best interest to figure out when, where and how to meet men. I would be saying the exact same thing if the article was about men wondering how to meet women. Stop trying to get men to go to events that they aren’t interested in and start meeting them where they actually are.

    • Amber

      I live in the area (on the VA side) and i agree. I no longer hold the idea that when i go to certain events in the city that there’ll be an abundance of men to meet. I just go because I want to. It may be bad in DC but NoVA is much worse as far as the ratio.

    • Amber

      I went to this whisky tasting event last night in the city and there was a better ratio. I think events like that bring the men out.

      • Epsilonicus

        They definitely do. I was at a bourbon and bbq event and the ratios were equal.

      • Jennifer

        I love brown liquor and men. Thanks for the suggestion.

        • Ess Tee

          *Brown liquor and brown men lol

      • panamajackson

        Agreed. In DC, liquor tasting events do typically have decent sized turnouts of both. At least from my experience. Also, any event where folks can dress up and feel important that isn’t led by Capitol Hill.

      • Qris_10

        I saw that event and thought about going….for that reason. But I’m an introvert so I don’t really think that would’ve went well either. I always need my more social friends to come with anytime I think of doing stuff like that. I’ll just stick to online dating websites. Which I haven’t actually done in over a year. Lort help me. *smh in self pity*

    • Nick Peters

      #swiperight

      • Jennifer

        #beentheredoingthat

        • Nick Peters

          #swipeforlife

          • Jennifer

            #nahSoncantdothisforever

    • Robbinesque

      The DMV’s issue is the ratio of men to women. What’s it like 1 man for every 10 women? And if one takes into account looking for a man with teeth who doesn’t actually live in a van down by the river, it’s 1 for 20. NoVA is even worse. Plus many (not all) of the women here are ridiculously THIRSTY and show it. How does a woman with clothes on compete with a broad wearing a body stocking. In February????

      • Jennifer

        LMAO! Yes! When sis with the body stocking walks in, I throw my white flag and head to the bar. I know when I’ve been beat.

      • Mrs_diabolique

        Listen I’m on the MD side and it’s just ridiculous. You can’t speak to a man because he’s got a line out the door of 20 thirst traps trying to get picked. I just throw my hands up and drink my drink.

    • shotta

      I went to a Whiskey tasting a while ago in DC and there were a lot of men. White men actually, two of whom adopted me. I ended up going on a date with one of the three brothas there that night. The date was horrible, he was a BITTER man, but anyways, I do love Whiskey so I will be on the lookout for future events.

      • Jennifer

        Thanks for the pro-tip.

        I hope you got a free dinner on that horrible date. “The date was bad but at least I got a couple cocktails and an entree” is my own personal “Hakuna Matata.”

  • Considering my… interests, try swing parties that allow single men. All the sausage you can eat. Still, I get my share of sushi.

    Also, try more sports themed events. Sports events are skewed to be two thirds men pretty much all over and for any sport. Men might have other interests, and might even discuss them at said events. However, sports events seem dude friendly. Plus at these events like you host PJ, there’s always the feeling that the chicks are a harem for the host, and that outside dudes who have no connection to the host with get rejected as lame.

    • Quirlygirly

      Sushi??!!! Really -smh

      • Jennifer

        Sushi and sausages. *sigh* He’s mentioned them both in these comments.

    • SimplePseudonym

      So “swing” parties have become a thing in Chicago apparently. My thing- well, one of my MANY things- is that whenever I see swingers on TV (and the few I’ve met in person), 99.9999999% of them are BUSTED physically.

  • Freebird

    For the Lit event what kind of books are you reading? What are the themes? Are they “male friendly” fun…..where men do not have to answer questions that put them on the line gender wise in front of women they dont know? Not saying this is the reason but as someone who has hosted events in a much less dynamic place than DC this can be something even educated men complain about.

    • panamajackson

      The themes run the gamut. And they’re SUPER open-ended, and anybody can come read. The event is as gender-neutral as possible. The last events theme was “Love”. I read about how to love Black people during Black History Month.

      • Freebird

        See, I’d go to that…..seems easy enough…. but even topics around love can have a dude labeled a creep or some other tag, or it can become about how men suck. Think Cliff Huxtible joining his wifes book club. Not your fault or much you can do about it. Sounds like you are doing your part to make things easier/better.

        • panamajackson

          I was about to say, to worry about those things by merely attending would be some serious projecting and counting yourself out for no reason.

  • Epsilonicus

    I am not single so maybe I am out of touch. However, I saw some research showing that most people end up in relationships with (if that is your goal) folks already in their social circle, not people met randomly.

    • panamajackson

      That makes sense even in light of what Im asking. Since its impossible for men and women to meet at random events since there are only women there anyway. lol. You HAVE to meet somebody via your social circle.

      • John Shannon

        I get it , but when shxt happens then the Social Circle is in trouble and everyone knows the dirt and drama. I’m not that kind of person

    • Ari

      I can see how that makes sense, especially in this day in age. After age 30, I stopped wanting to be approached by ANYONE be it the club, gym, or grocery store, no matter how attractive he may be. If I don’t know you, I’m probably not comfortable giving you my info. Now I understand that that’s the most counterproductive way to meet someone, but when I’m in public, I just want to go about my business and be left alone. Most men I know my age feel the same way contrary to popular belief. I met my forever man at a bi-weekly black tennis meet-up. None of us played the sport very well, so we got to know each other over time while learning tennis. Totally unexpected – never saw it coming. Sincere, non-invasive and natural.

  • black-a-rican

    As an adult, I have very little free time. When I do get it, I choose to spend it with people I already enjoy being around, or things I enjoy doing. Seemingly forced interaction is not something I’m always in the mood for. Unless the alcohol is free, of course.

    • panamajackson

      Free alcohol brings everybody out.

      • miss t-lee

        Always.

      • Me

        They used to say the same thing about food. Everything has it’s max. Folks fall off when they realize they still gotta put in a whole lot of logistics just to get a glass or two on the house.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Where the fellas are:

    At the barbershop
    At the gym
    At the game
    At the crib playing x box / ps4

    It’s also important to note that the Lit environment is totally different than the club environment. Women travel in packs at the club and so do men so they balance each other out and you have a chance to shoot your shot with the one you like. At a Lit event, your brains are on full display and music and drinks are secondary. You may not get a chance to shoot your shot if your boy brings mentally brings a knife to a gun fight. It’s the whole birds of a feather thing working against you.

    • The problem is that women act too scared at the gym, and only go to the game if they have a man. Go where there are fish, my ladies. (Though don’t go to the Barber. We all need our third spaces.)

      • LaMissLy

        Lol, and don’t be an eternal cardio bunny– hit the weight room every now and then ;-)

        • Epsilonicus

          Good for your health

        • CHURCH! I remember when I used to hit the gym hard, I used to love it when a heterosexual woman actually enjoyed the weight room. It was like Christmas.

          • Jennifer

            *Writes in her notebook, 1. skip lifting class tonight and go to weight room*

        • Nick Peters

          Women do do that…show up and hit the machine for 45 and bounce

      • I’m not mad at women being scared at the gym. There are guys in there that even creep me out.

    • miss t-lee

      Nobody is running up on any dude at any of these places. Please understand…lol

      • Epsilonicus

        Why not?

        • miss t-lee

          I’m going to the barbershop to meet a guy?
          Why?
          Why would I do this?

          I’m supposed to knock on a door while you’re playing xbox?

          Nah.

          • Epsilonicus

            Maybe not the shop but why not the gym or a game?

            • miss t-lee

              I wouldn’t walk up on anyone at the gym.
              If it was a game, possibly? But even then he’d have to make a move.

            • With your hair wrapped and your ex’s gym shorts on and angry music blaring on your headphones? Eh.. I’m so not on my A-game at the gym.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                If I’m attracted to you when you are not on your A game, It’s like having icing, sprinkles and confetti thrown when you are on your A game.

                • Amen!

                • DebKII

                  Men and this no makeup, hair perfect when you’re red and sweating buckets fantasy. FANTASY. Lord y’all

                  • outlyer06

                    some of ya’ll underestimate how many dudes are tired of seein the same cookie cutter lookin chicks covered in weaves and 5 pounds of make-up..there is something to be said about a chick that’s comfortable enough in her own skin.

                • Amen

                  a gem was just dropped.

              • miss t-lee

                I’ve been ran up on by plenty kats when I got my hair tie and pajama bottoms on.
                Tragic.

                • Yeah… I’m a little leery of people being super flashy and put-together at the gym. Maybe it’s a Philly thing? idk.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    You aint the only one.

                  • miss t-lee

                    I don’t understand that…at all.
                    I’m not trying to look cute when I’m doing my walking and shizz.

                  • Mika

                    nah its common here in FL. Full face of makeup, salon ready hair, matching outfits. I always look two steps away from homeless so, oh well.

                    • Siante

                      lol- same here but there are ladies in my bodypump classes who attach eyelashes prior to sweating. why????????

                    • Mika

                      and they come off mid workout, lmao.

                    • Oh, you’re in FL? My bestie just moved there last year. Yeah, I’ve heard some thangs. She tried to combat by buying a bike and doing the outdoorsy thing but that just seems unbearable in the heat.

                • Jennifer

                  I hate when they run up when I’m running on the treadmill. Bruh, I can’t breathe or talk right now.

                  • miss t-lee

                    girl…

                • John Shannon

                  Drake said it best in Best I Ever Had

                  • miss t-lee

                    HAHA
                    I see you.

              • Amber

                I’m in the gym at 5am with my head scarf on trying to get it in before work. Not the ideal time for me to meet someone but I’ve thought about going aftet work just to be cute and see how it goes.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Do it

                • God Shammgod

                  As someone who had to switch from before work to after workouts, know that the time change comes at the expense of severe overcrowding and not as much freedom with machines. More people around but a 40 minute workout becomes an hour plus because of the bodies.

                  • Amber

                    Oh that’s why i like the 5am life. I don’t like crowded gyms but i thought if I want to meet someone maybe I should try it once or twice on light days but I’ve been saying this for more than a year and i haven’t switched.

                  • Hugh Akston

                    my current struggle

                • Kas

                  I’m old and out of the game now, but every gym I ever frequented in my younger days was always a full on social scene from about 4 PM to 8 PM . . . just no liquor.

                • I’m thinking about switching too! Like maybe a few swipes of eyeliner will help grease the wheel lol.

              • DebKII

                I literally look the WORST at the gym. I’m not here to meet you! I’m here to release tension for the week and get that gut tight for when I’m prepped to meet you. That’s so ridiculous, mind ya business in the gym

                • Mika

                  It literally is like a day party with weights and machines. I see some of the chicks come in like they are going to the club right after. #howsway? I am so busy making sure my stomach isn’t hanging out when I am running on the treadmill. Dang that love connection.

                • As it should be! Oh well, my gym is filled with old yt men anyway, but the point remains. Not there to make a fashion statement.

                • Siante

                  exactly— I had a trainer tell me “look, you don’t come to the gym to be cute, you come here to get dirty so you can be cute after you leave.” Never forgot that

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Why ask why? The game is not set up for us. Having a spot for women to meet men is like Valentine’s Day commercials catered to men…..they only exist in Candyland.

            • miss t-lee

              *yawn*
              Ain’t nobody trying to holler at a dude in the barbershop or any of the other places your suggested.
              That fact remains.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                see my comment to @disqus_5RH3V25df6:disqus upthread

                • miss t-lee

                  no.

          • DebKII

            Lmao picturing this is killing me!

            • miss t-lee

              Supposed to just walk in with my freakum dress on and holler.

              • DebKII

                They literally would pay NO attention to you unless you had snacks

                • miss t-lee

                  That’s not my portion.

    • …But these aren’t places that are conducive to picking someone up. Like, at all. Whereas a Lit environment has all the potential for a meet-cute. I don’t get guy logic.

      • Girl, we ain’t got no logic.

        • Tori B

          straight…no chaser

        • God Shammgod

          I’m glad you’re willing to say this because I’m watching these responses in befuddlement. The f****ing barbershop?! BRUH.

          • Epsilonicus

            I have seen numbers exchanged at my shop all the time.

            • God Shammgod

              I know it happens, but why am I going to the barbershop if I’m not getting my hair cut? That is just ridiculous.

              • Epsilonicus

                True story

              • miss t-lee

                All this logic.

                • God Shammgod

                  “Why don’t you just go to men’s locker rooms?”
                  “How about the men’s bathroom?”
                  “No? Well why don’t you just troll bachelor parties?”

                  • That last one could work. The men are drunk, out and worked up. Go for it!

                  • DG

                    I was gonna suggest Easter Sunday visits at Rikers, just to make sure all bases are covered…

                  • miss t-lee

                    Why don’t you hang out at the strip club?
                    Or a golf course?
                    Maybe try a urology waiting room?

                    • The nearest infantry battalion.
                      Jail.
                      The line at the store for the release of the newest old Jordans.

                    • miss t-lee

                      All good options!

                    • The nearest trap house.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Bandos are all the rage for kickin’ it.

                    • Somebody will eventually fall through with wings and fries.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Future said it wasn’t a date…but…I don’t agree.

                    • Wingstop was packed on Valentine’s Day. I seent it.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Ha!

                    • Mika

                      So I hang at the strip club often (I live in FL, that’s the thing to do out here) and nah, I am not trying to meet the kind of men that hang out there, like AT ALL. I am just trying to eat wings and have cheap drinks.

                    • miss t-lee

                      I hear that it’s the thing to do in certain locales, but it’s not my scene at all.
                      Definitely not a thing we do this way.

              • tgtaggie

                Last time I’ve been one of the barbers were doing a girl brows. I really don’t go anymore now bc I’m bald. Lol

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  My barber does eyes and line ups for ladies as well. My barber give me the family discount because he gets three heads and a set of eyebrows every time we come through lol.

                  The point I was trying to make is these are places where men hang; these are not places that I would recommend women flock to shoot their shot.

                • I thank Jesus for my baldness all of the time. It has spared me from the conspiracy chats, idiotic sports takes, ill-informed racial topics, and misogyny that comes along with going to the barber. I’ll go every blue moon to get my beard taken care of and that’s it.

                  • tgtaggie

                    Bruh! I started thinning at 23 and it took me almost 1.5yr to accept it. After I cut it off, I was like this is pretty cool. Plus look at how much money we save. Lol

                    Speaking of that, I might swing by a barber this weekend to get my beard shaped up.

              • There is no greaer collection of savages other than the savage warehouse than a barbershop.

                • God Shammgod

                  I know, I spent a lot of my teen years having to take my brother, which is why I’m looking at people’s responses with a wonky eye.

                • Julian Green

                  I’ve been #TeamDred for about 11 years and haven’t been in a barbershop for about that long, but I don’t remember them being that bad.

                  • I’ve heard some of the most messed up sh*t in my life while waiting on a barber. Everything from the “They only talk about the Holocaust so they won’t have to talk about slavery” conversation, s*xual consent as a “notion”, and dudes agreeing that if their sisters were being abused by their spouse or S.O. that it’s none of their business. Not a good look.

            • SimplePseudonym

              But that usually entails the prerequisite of having a son take to the barbershop (which I do not and I think renting would be weird). Or rocking a short cut that requires regular barber maintenance (which for me is a nightmare).

          • miss t-lee

            LMFAO
            Exactly.

          • There was a babrbershop in town with a hair salon next door. It would be packed on Saturdays from 9 until close because everyone had their safe space but it was just close enough to the opposite chex. Perhaps that is what these events need. Male-centric events that share a similar space.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            To be clear, the question was where are the men not where are the suitable locations to flirt and mingle.

          • Mika

            Yea, what reason do I really have to go there. Unless I walked in there and fake acted lost. Nah.

            • God Shammgod

              I am amazed at all these suggestions for me to go their comfort zones. Lmfao what? Never will you hear a woman advise a man to find a lady at the salon.

              Why would you go to a barbershop if you dont need a fade, or a sports game if you don’t like sports, like, lmaoooooo

              • The point is that men are asked to invade female friendly zones, but women aren’t asked to do likewise.

                • God Shammgod

                  A book event is not gendered. Come the entire hayle on.

              • Thank you!! Anytime I read the barbershop suggestions I’m like what in the entire h e l l??? So in the same vein, guys should go to the hair salon to meet women, right? The nail art store? The gynecologists office?

        • Mika

          You is bae.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Here’s the thing, many of us are really not trying to socialize. I don’t goto the gym or the game to pick up or impress BAE. Dating and mating take men out of a solitude comfort zone / environment.

        Case in point, a woman will goto a club because she wants to dance. Now that the 90’s have passed I don’t know too many men that say I want to goto the club to dance. I’m going because I know women are there. I’ve got to gurd up and fight her screeners and possibly deal with no. Hopefully the outing will be worth it. At a minimum, I’ve got the Waffle House afterwards to look forward to with my boys.

    • Would you really want one of your single, female relatives at a barbershop, Sig?

      • Sigma_Since 93

        If I considered the barbershop as a place to pick up men (which I don’t) than shoot your shot. It can’t be any worse that dudes who try pimpin out beauty salons.

        • It’s not worth it to risk it. When a single attractive woman goes into a barbershop dudes start coming down for the ceiling spitting all kinds of subtle savageries like Kaa from the Jungle Book. You don’t want this to be your little cousin.

          https://media1.giphy.com/media/iMDL5jqdZBEuk/200.gif

          • DBoySlim

            LMAO. You’re right though. A bad chick will turn a barbershop into the 3 point contest with the quickness.

        • But…I have no reason to be in the barbershop. No kids, no male relatives I’d be accompanying to get their haircut (except my dad, which of course would be pointless if I’m “scouting options” so to speak). So, how do you see this working, exactly? Lol, except for a childless woman to end up looking “thirsty” for a dude?

  • Mika

    I see most dudes at the gym. But…….that has also become the “club”. This year I want to try more sporting events. But then you need like at least one or two (max) good friends to go with. Most of my friends are married or boo’ed up and don’t really like to go out too much. Back to square one. -____-

    • I feel like roles reverse in the gym. Guys aren’t there to get hit on (even tho they look so enticing in their gym shorts) they’re there to work out. So it’s not an appropriate place to be a creep.

      My married friends give me absolutely no hope for a brighter tomorrow -___-

      • Epsilonicus

        If you are attractive, a dude is going to engage with you if you engage with him.

        • Mika

          Essentially what this all boils down to.

          • Epsilonicus

            Exactly.

        • Kai

          And where does that leave the less than Beyonce group of ladies??

          • Epsilonicus

            Do what Kobe Bryant does, shoot your shot until the ball goes in.

          • Epsilonicus

            Also, everyone is not meant to get chose. Dating is not equitable.

            • Mika

              Damn.

              • Epsilonicus

                I think too often folks believe that they “deserve” someone. You don’t. And there is a good chance you won’t find someone right for you. That is an inherent risk in dating.

                • Mika

                  Let me just go get me some cats.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    If you never participate, that guarantees you never get what you want.

                    • Mika

                      I will own part of my struggle is the fact that I am lazy, mostly because I don’t have patience for the way dating is.

                  • Kai

                    You can borrow mines if you want to get acclimated with the experience first. Its the least I can do.

                    • Mika

                      Thank you. Hope I am not allergic.

                • -h.h.h.-
                • So, do you not think everyone deserves to find love? That’s a pretty gloomy take. We all deserve to find a loving partner, in my opinion.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Nope. You pray.. Work hard. Do what it takes to attract the person you want. Work to be a good partner. But that in no way means you “deserve” someone. This ain’t tee ball. There are no trophies just for participating

                    • I see where you’re coming from. But I think we have a different definition of “deserve” in this context. I suppose my belief is that no one on earth should die without having experienced true love and companionship. I agree that you have to be a good person and partner in return. I don’t know if that means hunting prospects/plotting/changing who you are in order to find that though. I do believe love finds you if you’re true to yourself and what you want. Maybe I’m naive, but my naive counterpart is out there, I think :)

                    • Kas

                      Everyone deserves to find real love. One of the unfortunate facts of life is we don’t always get what we deserve.

                    • That may be true, but I’m not going to resign myself to the idea that love may not happen for me. I can’t even entertain the notion — it’s too depressing, and if you can’t be optimistic when it comes to dating and relationships, then sure, you just may not get the love you deserve.

                    • Kas

                      Optimism is always the way to go. It’s worked for me thus far.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      This aint optimism. This is being blind to the facts

                    • Kas

                      Not denying that you don’t always get what you feel you deserve (I would also add that when it comes to dating/affairs of the heart, I have no idea how “deserve” would even be measured). I’m just saying that if you approach it with a pessimistic mindset, it definitely is not going to go well, so best be optimistic. Trust, I have had my teeth kicked in on numerous occasions, but I push on.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I am not saying be pessimistic. I am just saying you have to be honest with yourself in the fact that there is a 50% you don’t get the relationship you want (if that is your desire). That doesn’t mean don’t try. But that does mean mentally prep yourself in case it doesn’t work the way you want it.

                    • Kas

                      We are on the same page.

                    • Hugh Akston

                      I remember listening to this business mogul talking about his success ( it was one of those shows about matchmaking) and he said something that I thought about for a while. Paraphrasing…he said something along the lines “during the whole i’m fine. I am running two different businesses, so I barely have time to think. Then it’s Sunday. I spend the whole week with other people, but when Sunday night comes, I have no one. That feeling is unbearable”

                      That stayed with me for while. Thinking that I understand where he was coming from. Though one of the most liberating things happened. I was walking by a river on a Sunday night (alone) and what he said came to mind. I went back to my room, and thought of where I was? What if I never find “that” person…then I remembered this quote

                      ““If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders – What would you tell him?”

                      I…don’t know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?”

                      To shrug.”

                      Why carry it? There was no need…kudos to those that do though

                    • tgtaggie

                      I agree. That’s kind of the way I see it now. I don’t want to sound too religious, if you truly feel that desire for marriage/companionship, pray and seek God in it. I believe that object of that desire (the actual person) will come into your life. But in the meantime, you have to work on those qualities to be the best partner you can be.

            • LeeLee

              “Also, everyone is not meant to get chose.”
              Seriously, I think this might be me. I’d sell my eggs, but I don’t think anyone wants them either :(

              • Quirlygirly

                Girl! Somebody wants them eggs and at $8K a pop.

                Another persons trash (I am not saying your eggs are trash. They most likely are fine eggs) is another man’s treasure.

          • Mika

            Well Kai asked it……

          • -h.h.h.-

            And where does that leave the less than Beyonce group of ladies??

            same place that the dudes under 5’9 are?

            • BAM!

            • Epsilonicus
            • Mika

              You know, this whole height business throws me. I can count on my hand the men I have messed with that are taller than me. I am 5’10 without shoes. Most tall men don’t really like tall women anyway…….

              • Hi.

                • Mika

                  Hi fellow alum. :)

                  • I love tall women. Let’s talk.

                    • Mika

                      #heytoddbae. Moving to FL??? cause I am not moving back to cold @ss nj. -____-

              • Robbinesque

                Preach. And preach some more. At 5’11, this is the story of my life. Doesn’t help that I have an “athletic build” (former competitive swimmer). I’ve had many a taller (Black) man tell me (to my face) that I’m “not the type they can swing around”. Actual words. Several times. But let a 5’1 dude roll through. They line up like “Wazzup!”

              • John Shannon

                Devil is a Lie

            • Kai

              While that made me chuckle, what is it with BM and height??? A 5′ WM will ball out with a 6′ woman (of any race) and be just fine. But the when it comes to black ppl, all the Kevin Harts and Michelle Williams have to be relegated to a separate section of the party. Wack.

          • Kas

            There is someone for everyone. Guys like women who show an interest in us. We easy.

  • Jocelyn

    MAN! This is an excellent question. If I had answer, I would be on a 50 city book tour, selecting guests for my talk show, and married. From the woman’s perspective, we also get “meet guys at sporting events and sports bars”. I go to both places because I actually enjoy watching sports while (occasionally) eating greasy food and drinking beer. When I do encounter friendly men at these establishments, they are rarely single. They are nice because they aren’t savages and they want to make sure I’m having a great time in their space. The conundrum continues.

    • Mika

      GIRL. A hanging with the bros type of evening, just genuinely watching sports. I went on what I thought was a date and dude invited his friend along who wanted to watch the game also. I’m like oh ok cool, let me eat these free wings.

      • Jocelyn

        Womp! We’re so cool that we end up being just another one of the guys. Why do free wings taste better?

        • Mika

          I dunno man. And once I am in the “super cool chick” zone, I don’t feel the need to be anything more than that. LOL First round done? Oh ok, lets order some to go.

      • at least you got a meal. Were the wings good?

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