When Jethro “Becomes” Jamal: Alabaster Fucknuggets And Their Laughable Digital Blackface » VSB

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When Jethro “Becomes” Jamal: Alabaster Fucknuggets And Their Laughable Digital Blackface

Remember that time a foot-faced, soul-sucking gargoyle became a beacon of hope for previously shamed racist swampdonkeys and self-hating Black folks everywhere and won the U.S. presidential election, thus empowering a new wave of oppressive shitbaggery and violence by the hateful, unmoisturized masses?

That was big fun.

Even funner? When previous critics of the Tangerine Terrorist tightened their shackles and joined Backpedaling Acceptance Seeking Ho-Ass Bitches (BASHAB) on their Give Hate A Chance Tour, BenCarsonly.

But even mo’ funner than all of that?

That time when Jethro, Jenny-Bob, and Jimmy Beau found a VHS tape of The Jeffersons reruns, outtakes from Blaxploitation films, and Motorola Razr-filmed clips of  Midwestern soccer moms explaining hip-hop lingo, and used it to craft The Negrospeak Manual, a dialect guide and syllabus of outdated, context-free Blackisms for subversion-hungry online trolls intent on harassing The African-Americans in the 2000 and the 16 and beyond.

Disseminated via a sophisticated network of message-carrying bootyhole gerbils, the manual, which includes, among many gems, potential hashtags and acceptable spellings (“gunna” for “going to, “WITE/WHEIT/WYTE” for “white,” etc.), is a COINTELPRO-enthusiast’s wet dream.

Once instructions to undermine, annoy, threaten, and/or spy on The Race-Baiting* African-Americans were spread through the dungeons and swamps of White Trash America, the treachery commenced.

Some expressed their glee at the prospect of Slavery 2.0 via intimidation and shouting, “That’s why Trump won!” or simply, “Trump!” at people. Others joined Newports and Rush Cards in ruining life for Black people, this time via a poorly executed homage to yesteryear’s white dastardliness.

How, you ask? By assuming fake digital identities, infiltrating #BlackTwitter, and attempting to cause disruption and chaos in the dancery/dance soiree like only Caucasians can. Their goal was to gain entry with their new Black identity and confuse folks to the point that we couldn’t tell fake from real accounts and would begin accusing and attacking one another.

A few highlights from the Negrospeak Manual:

  • Overall, speak and write like a newly emancipated slave.
  • Let your words be fueled by inner-city angst and despair over being jobless, hopeless, and fatherless.
  • Use peeps/peepz often. 
  • Curse a lot.
  • Safe word in a crunch: BET.
  • Use “dey” and “dese” over “they” and “these” 78.4% of the time. 
  • Black Power stuff is a good start (“DOWN WITH WHITEY!” etc.)
  • Subject-verb agreement? What’s that?
  • Nicki Minaj
  • #blacktwitter and #BLM are their darkie bat signals. Use them like periods.
  • “Hotline Bling” and sizzurp
  • Gangsta grillz
  • Kool-Aid
  • For bonus Shitbag Points: “Kill whitey,” #killwhitey, etc.
  • Subject + be + [verb]in (i.e.: “My muma alwayz be cookin crack after school.”)
  • When in doubt, imagine yourself as a surly, enslaved sistergirl or hip-hop homeslice who exists solely to kill whitey and go from there.
  • Phat

…and so forth.

Armored with instructions and blessed by the Ghost of COINTELPRO Operations Past, Foot-faced Frank and Deborah Dumpsterheart were released into the wild.

Step One: Get a convincing, thoroughly Black account like one of these:

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And, with your Negrospeak Manual and your ungraceful-aging-as-karma on hand, you’re all ready for the Shitbag Circus!

Behold:

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An ambitious effort for sure.

Now, having been a full-time Negro for 32 years, I knows me a faux-Nigger when I see one. And that Neanderthal-adjacent display of Blackness right there? As authentic as ackee and saltfish prepared by Sandra Lee for Caribbean Night at Rachel Dolezal’s house.

But Sucker Sam persevered. The hilarity continued:

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All of Mr. Blackest Name Ever’s tweets were generally laughable, but this has to appear in the Faux Niggerhood Hall of Fame:

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This is premium shitbaggery, folks. But, like Alicia Keys adopting stray notes, Sucker Sam took it too far. Which one of your Black-ass cousins is repping #BlackTwitter to the grave? Since when are White folks “Oreos?” Anyhow, bonus points for trying to throw the dogs off his scent, though. More fuckery can be witnessed under the #BlackTwitterBlock hashtag.

This misguided online asshattery is the result of powerful boredom, innate cornballhood, and a remedial grasp of Blackness. Apparently, Black life imagined by people living in alabaster bubbles causes more than just shitty television and Iggy Azalea recording contracts.

I suppose if Black folks were bored enough and had such collective low self-esteem that we felt compelled to go underground as green bean casserole-loving terrorists to gain access to and fuck up the pariah master classes and the secret mayonnaise taste testing societies, we could do so with less ridiculousness and relative ease.

pic-7

Sure, they got swept up in the game and crossed over to the dark side, but you see how quickly rogue agents Stacey Dash and Juan Williams got invited to the family Flo-Rida concert? Before they cut contact with headquarters, they had acquired the legendary Gentrification Guides, introduced season salt and Adobo in a combined 8,500 homes, and had been selected as 87 and 81 people’s Black Friend, respectively. Decades spent hearing coworkers, associates, and mass media worship Friends, Seinfeld, and Eminem has to pay off somehow.

And can we definitively say that Omarossa isn’t playing Auntie Ruckus just to gain access to the master dungeon to decommission and disassemble the future Troglodyte-In-Chief?

I reckon we will just have to wait and see.

As their amateur antics are discovered, the unmoisturized masses have had to regroup and reassess their methods. Iggy’s parasitic subterfuge was short-lived. Gary Owens and Michael Rappaport, though visible, rely too heavily on annoyance and appear to only have one storyline and character in their respective arsenals.

Thankfully for them, their unrelenting and fearless leader, Rachel “The Racial Stowaway” Dolezal, is carrying the faux Nigger torch with pride, Blue Magic hair grease, and, sadly, favorable results. Whereas Sucker Sam and Deborah Dumpsterheart crashed and burned just like the gods of White Mediocrity intended, Rachel is soaring, scumbaggily, headlining natural hair rallies and such.

This Kwanzaa, I wish discernment and a decreased need to engage with diseased rhinoceros pizzle unto us chocolatey wonders. (We’re Black. We already won.) And sunscreen, self-esteem, and purpose to Ye Aspiring Wiggers. It can’t be easy being the LaTavias of humanity.

Amen.

*I still don’t know what the hell race-baiting actually is.

Alex Hardy

Alexander Hardy is the dance captain for Saint Damita Jo Jackson's Royal Army. He is a writer who escaped Hampton, Virginia and is now based in Panama City, Panama. There, he runs The Colored Boy, and consumes copious amounts of chicken. He has written for EBONY.com, CNN, Gawker, and Huffington Post among other outlets. Alexander can likely be found daydreaming about his next meal or Blacking It Up on someone's dance floor. He also doesn't believe in snow or Delaware. Read more from Alex at www.thecoloredboy.com

  • Mizwest

    Two can play that game…..

  • Negro Libre

    They gonna keep trying, they never gonna get it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grYY0PRhbGQ

    You either got it or you don’t.

  • brothaskeeper

    To be fair, I’ve longed for the use of throwback epithets. My go-to’s will most assuredly be “jive honky” or “ofay”.

    • PriceIsRightHorns

      Lol. I call someone a jive turkey at least once a week.

    • I second this. And “jive turkey” definitely needs to be a thing again.

      • Val

        But was it really ever a thing?

        • Cleojonz

          Well yes according to Aunt Esther at least lol.

        • Mary Burrell

          The Ohio Players had a song about it back in the day.

      • Mary Burrell

        It’s like when I am in my work room and listening to my head phones and a white coworker said I was “jukin and jivin.”

  • Furious Styles

    This isht reminds me of Funkadelic album liner notes. Love it!

  • Glo
    • Negro Libre

      People should check out gods2.com, prepared to be mind blown.

      • Kylroy

        Loved the chained group of links. Speaks of real confidence in their web stability.

  • Val

    Okay…

    First, I thought this was going to be about Quinton Tarantino from the way you were describing these people.

    Second, “…having been a full-time Negro for 32 years…” Lol

    Third, I thought we were cool, Alex. Why are you shading AK? :-(

    Great post.

    • Kylroy

      Quentin and Rachel Dolezal are the “embarrasingly misguided” end of this; This seems like a separate breed of twits who fancy themselves masters of online disguise.

    • cyanic

      You should see Jackie Brown regardless of how you feel about Tarantino.

      • brothaskeeper

        I feel like this is his best film.

        • cyanic

          If she can survive Jackie, I recommend Death Proof. For some reason I sense Kill Bill as being problematic for her.

          • brothaskeeper

            Death Proof was more pulp. Kill Bill had mass appeal.

            • cyanic

              But Black Girls Rock in Death Proof.

      • Val

        Nope. When I want to see Pam I’ll watch the L Word again.

        • cyanic

          Laughs. She wasn’t even an L word on the L Word.

          • Val

            Still better than playing one of Tarantino’s c00ns.

            • cyanic

              You disrespecting the Queen. bell hooks is a fan of the movie.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    It would be funny in a Chapelle show type way if it wasn’t so sad.

  • Mizwest

    I have Faux Locs and one of the Doc’s commented how much he liked them. He said he was going to get a hat with dreads and wear his Richard Sherman jersey. I’m just looking at him like wow. He then laughs and says then I’ll be a cracker with dreads….-_- I replied “You said it” and walked away confused.

    • Annalise Keating

      It never ceases to amaze me how some white folks find the “nicest” ways to say the nastiest things to people. SMDH.

      • Mizwest

        I know!!! he’s definitely a tri-hard when it comes to “black culture”. Never fails when he gets around anyone who’s black to say how much he loves greens, chicken and yams etc… I don’t know if he’s looking for acceptance or a pass.

        • Annalise Keating

          His intentions may be “good” but their idea of blackness is offensive. when they are not watering us down to monolithic dumb loud angry hypersexed simpletons, they find ways to insult us our culture.
          I can’t tell you how many times they come and tell me how much they love my hair or outfit as a backhanded way of insulting it. Like “oh I love your hair but you must spend so much time doing it.” “I wish I had that much time to spend doing my hair.” Or when I am wearing Ankara “I really love your outfit, I wish I could wear those really bright bold colors and patterns”

          • Mochasister

            That’s that passive agressive shade mess I can’t stand. You should throw it back at them. “You smell so delightfully earthy. I wish I could smell like you but I actually use a wash cloth and not just my hands.” “I just love the bond you share with your dog. Too bad I have an actual human male to kiss waiting for me at home.”

            • Annalise Keating

              LMAO!!!! I love this.

  • Diego Duarte

    “Race baiting” is a code word used by white supremacists and racists in general, to decry legitimate attempts to call out someone on their racist behavior. The notion of race baiting is that African Americans are drama queens.

    Because how much of a crybaby do you have to be to cry foul against police and society in general, when you’re subjected to institutionalized racism, hate crimes, murder, and gaslighting by racist whites? [/sarcasm]

    • Vanity in Peril
    • Because the alternative would mean confronting rich White people and possibly being killed. People forget that between the Civil War and WW2, labor demonstration were crunk as F. The Haymarket riots are the most famous, but there are plenty of spots where poor White people were lit up like Christmas trees protesting what their richer brethren did to them. That’s why there’s so much energy behind racism. The alternative is very real for those who know.

      • Diego Duarte

        Interesting perspective. And yet those riots will inevitably come back, as we spiral down the trend of economic inequality. There’s only so much the working class is going to take before it finally cracks.

        • Mochasister

          But, but, but Trump is going to save the white working class! He’s going to bring the jobs back. He’s going to make America great again! Disclaimer: I am being facetious.

      • Kylroy

        Fun fact: when the UAW finalized it’s first postwar labor contract with General Motors (and shortly thereafter Ford and Chrysler) in 1950, they called it “The Treaty of Detroit”. They weren’t entirely joking.

  • Annalise Keating

    “This misguided online asshattery is the result of powerful boredom, innate cornballhood, and a remedial grasp of Blackness.”

    So true. Lord forgive me for what I am about to say…but I don’t think I have ever met a white Person in my life that wasn’t boring as f@&k. But maybe I just need to get out more…

    “I suppose if Black folks were bored enough and had such collective low self-esteem that we felt compelled to go underground as green bean casserole-loving terrorists to gain access to and fuck up the pariah master classes and the secret mayonnaise taste testing societies, we could do so with less ridiculousness and relative ease.”

    This is debatable….

    • Val

      “…green bean casserole-loving terrorists…”

      Lol

      • Annalise Keating

        That was hilarious!

    • Considering that I’ve met White women with actual donks (not a nice booty for a White girl, but a few where I may or may not have had to defuse a Worldstar moment or two), I may have met some interesting White people. But that’s just me.

      • Annalise Keating

        Perhaps I just need to get out more.

      • Blueberry01

        That’s nothing new. Come further south. Donks are on a lot of different shades.

    • Conrad Bess

      “So true. Lord forgive me for what I am about to say…but I don’t think I have ever met a white Person in my life that wasn’t boring as f@&k. But maybe I just need to get out more…”

      Do you think the creativity and culture of cool Blacks worldwide have cultivated is due to the nature of white supremacy? That the all encompassing desire to dominate all facets of political and financial life has left whitey bereft of creativity (We all know they can be creative in death and ways to oppress POC)?

      • Annalise Keating

        “We all know they can be creative in death and ways to oppress POC”
        ?????*dead*

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