Featured, Race & Politics

When Jethro “Becomes” Jamal: Alabaster Fucknuggets And Their Laughable Digital Blackface

Remember that time a foot-faced, soul-sucking gargoyle became a beacon of hope for previously shamed racist swampdonkeys and self-hating Black folks everywhere and won the U.S. presidential election, thus empowering a new wave of oppressive shitbaggery and violence by the hateful, unmoisturized masses?

That was big fun.

Even funner? When previous critics of the Tangerine Terrorist tightened their shackles and joined Backpedaling Acceptance Seeking Ho-Ass Bitches (BASHAB) on their Give Hate A Chance Tour, BenCarsonly.

But even mo’ funner than all of that?

That time when Jethro, Jenny-Bob, and Jimmy Beau found a VHS tape of The Jeffersons reruns, outtakes from Blaxploitation films, and Motorola Razr-filmed clips of  Midwestern soccer moms explaining hip-hop lingo, and used it to craft The Negrospeak Manual, a dialect guide and syllabus of outdated, context-free Blackisms for subversion-hungry online trolls intent on harassing The African-Americans in the 2000 and the 16 and beyond.

Disseminated via a sophisticated network of message-carrying bootyhole gerbils, the manual, which includes, among many gems, potential hashtags and acceptable spellings (“gunna” for “going to, “WITE/WHEIT/WYTE” for “white,” etc.), is a COINTELPRO-enthusiast’s wet dream.

Once instructions to undermine, annoy, threaten, and/or spy on The Race-Baiting* African-Americans were spread through the dungeons and swamps of White Trash America, the treachery commenced.

Some expressed their glee at the prospect of Slavery 2.0 via intimidation and shouting, “That’s why Trump won!” or simply, “Trump!” at people. Others joined Newports and Rush Cards in ruining life for Black people, this time via a poorly executed homage to yesteryear’s white dastardliness.

How, you ask? By assuming fake digital identities, infiltrating #BlackTwitter, and attempting to cause disruption and chaos in the dancery/dance soiree like only Caucasians can. Their goal was to gain entry with their new Black identity and confuse folks to the point that we couldn’t tell fake from real accounts and would begin accusing and attacking one another.

A few highlights from the Negrospeak Manual:

  • Overall, speak and write like a newly emancipated slave.
  • Let your words be fueled by inner-city angst and despair over being jobless, hopeless, and fatherless.
  • Use peeps/peepz often. 
  • Curse a lot.
  • Safe word in a crunch: BET.
  • Use “dey” and “dese” over “they” and “these” 78.4% of the time. 
  • Black Power stuff is a good start (“DOWN WITH WHITEY!” etc.)
  • Subject-verb agreement? What’s that?
  • Nicki Minaj
  • #blacktwitter and #BLM are their darkie bat signals. Use them like periods.
  • “Hotline Bling” and sizzurp
  • Gangsta grillz
  • Kool-Aid
  • For bonus Shitbag Points: “Kill whitey,” #killwhitey, etc.
  • Subject + be + [verb]in (i.e.: “My muma alwayz be cookin crack after school.”)
  • When in doubt, imagine yourself as a surly, enslaved sistergirl or hip-hop homeslice who exists solely to kill whitey and go from there.
  • Phat

…and so forth.

Armored with instructions and blessed by the Ghost of COINTELPRO Operations Past, Foot-faced Frank and Deborah Dumpsterheart were released into the wild.

Step One: Get a convincing, thoroughly Black account like one of these:

pic-2

pic-3

And, with your Negrospeak Manual and your ungraceful-aging-as-karma on hand, you’re all ready for the Shitbag Circus!

Behold:

pic-4

 

An ambitious effort for sure.

Now, having been a full-time Negro for 32 years, I knows me a faux-Nigger when I see one. And that Neanderthal-adjacent display of Blackness right there? As authentic as ackee and saltfish prepared by Sandra Lee for Caribbean Night at Rachel Dolezal’s house.

But Sucker Sam persevered. The hilarity continued:

pic-6

All of Mr. Blackest Name Ever’s tweets were generally laughable, but this has to appear in the Faux Niggerhood Hall of Fame:

pic-5

This is premium shitbaggery, folks. But, like Alicia Keys adopting stray notes, Sucker Sam took it too far. Which one of your Black-ass cousins is repping #BlackTwitter to the grave? Since when are White folks “Oreos?” Anyhow, bonus points for trying to throw the dogs off his scent, though. More fuckery can be witnessed under the #BlackTwitterBlock hashtag.

This misguided online asshattery is the result of powerful boredom, innate cornballhood, and a remedial grasp of Blackness. Apparently, Black life imagined by people living in alabaster bubbles causes more than just shitty television and Iggy Azalea recording contracts.

I suppose if Black folks were bored enough and had such collective low self-esteem that we felt compelled to go underground as green bean casserole-loving terrorists to gain access to and fuck up the pariah master classes and the secret mayonnaise taste testing societies, we could do so with less ridiculousness and relative ease.

pic-7

Sure, they got swept up in the game and crossed over to the dark side, but you see how quickly rogue agents Stacey Dash and Juan Williams got invited to the family Flo-Rida concert? Before they cut contact with headquarters, they had acquired the legendary Gentrification Guides, introduced season salt and Adobo in a combined 8,500 homes, and had been selected as 87 and 81 people’s Black Friend, respectively. Decades spent hearing coworkers, associates, and mass media worship Friends, Seinfeld, and Eminem has to pay off somehow.

And can we definitively say that Omarossa isn’t playing Auntie Ruckus just to gain access to the master dungeon to decommission and disassemble the future Troglodyte-In-Chief?

I reckon we will just have to wait and see.

As their amateur antics are discovered, the unmoisturized masses have had to regroup and reassess their methods. Iggy’s parasitic subterfuge was short-lived. Gary Owens and Michael Rappaport, though visible, rely too heavily on annoyance and appear to only have one storyline and character in their respective arsenals.

Thankfully for them, their unrelenting and fearless leader, Rachel “The Racial Stowaway” Dolezal, is carrying the faux Nigger torch with pride, Blue Magic hair grease, and, sadly, favorable results. Whereas Sucker Sam and Deborah Dumpsterheart crashed and burned just like the gods of White Mediocrity intended, Rachel is soaring, scumbaggily, headlining natural hair rallies and such.

This Kwanzaa, I wish discernment and a decreased need to engage with diseased rhinoceros pizzle unto us chocolatey wonders. (We’re Black. We already won.) And sunscreen, self-esteem, and purpose to Ye Aspiring Wiggers. It can’t be easy being the LaTavias of humanity.

Amen.

*I still don’t know what the hell race-baiting actually is.

Alex Hardy

Alexander Hardy is the dance captain for Saint Damita Jo Jackson's Royal Army. He is a writer who escaped Hampton, Virginia and is now based in Panama City, Panama. There, he runs The Colored Boy, and consumes copious amounts of chicken. He has written for EBONY.com, CNN, Gawker, and Huffington Post among other outlets. Alexander can likely be found daydreaming about his next meal or Blacking It Up on someone's dance floor. He also doesn't believe in snow or Delaware. Read more from Alex at www.thecoloredboy.com

  • Vanity in Peril

    Let these poor Dwight people live, Alex. If that even is your real name.

    Quiet as it’s kept, I’m really just 3 little white boyz stacked on top of each other in a long trenchcoat.

    Hip it up and hip it out, over and out, homey homeboize and b bop girls. Later, felicia!

    • “Dwight” is a good reminder that you can out an alabaster fucknugget due to them being ignorant of our mastery of subtlety. It’s how we survived for so long in Amurrca. The world would knowest no shade if not for the mahogany tree. Yes that’s me speaking in idiom.

      If there’s no mention of Becky, 2520, etc and they use “whitey,” “honky” or whatever slang they got from the afternoon minstrel special instead, it’s a wrap.

      • Glo

        YEP. Idk if I’ve ever seen a real black person use the word “honky,” but we do throw around “wypipo” a lot.

        • Kylroy

          I don’t know that I’ve ever seen *anyone* throw around “honky” except as a joke. Ditto “cracker”. Only race-based invective that I’ve ever seen rattle a white person is “white trash”.

        • Val

          Apparently we Black folks use those words a lot on TV. Real life, not so much. Lol

          • Vanity in Peril

            I do like using a Richard Pryor, “honkey, honkey!” every once in a while but dassit.

            And not as a real insult.

            • Cheech

              I was just thinking of this.

          • Mary Burrell

            Richard Pryor and George Jefferson.?

          • Mary Burrell

            Even when white people curse their curse words are janky.

        • yep, wypipo is one of those words a fake black would never know without doing the necessary research. and i can’t imagine an FB even knows what research is.

          • Vanity in Peril

            It’s like Christian rap. The references, the beats and the slang are all from like 4 yrs ago.

            • Glo

              SO ACCURATE.

              • brothaskeeper

                *Accriate
                *checks Glo’s credentials*

                • Glo

                  You got me.

            • Blueberry01

              True.

              I actually know some rappers who are Christian who are actually really good. Check out Lecrae.

            • Mary Burrell

              Christian rap is kind of sad.

        • Blueberry01

          Lite wolks

      • Vanity in Peril

        We are the most creative people on this planet.

        • King Beauregard

          An old old article I enjoy:

          http://exiledonline.com/big-brothers-george-orwell-and-christopher-hitchens-exposed/

          I bring it up because of this sentence:

          “Americans talk for consensus; for Brits, it’s a martial art. From birth they train for a world of casual verbal cruelty matched in America only by inner-city blacks. (Which is why only blacks in America have the verbal inventiveness to match the Brits.)”

          But there’s a lot of other good material in that article too, about the British and their relationship to conquered peoples including the Irish, and the existential dread of Catholics. There appear to be parallels that Male Siblings Of Exceptional Intelligence might appreciate.

          • Vanity in Peril

            This is interesting! *bookmarked

            Thx

      • miss t-lee

        The fact that they think we still use “whitey” makes me cackle.

        • Donkeys gon’ donkey.

          • miss t-lee

            This is a word.

        • Vanity in Peril

          Lol they think we’re all George Jeffrrson, gawdbless their simple evil hearts.

          • miss t-lee

            Yup. ???

        • Mochasister

          No self respecting Black person is going to talk like some refugee from the seventies.

        • Mary Burrell

          I don’t know any black people who use the word “honky” and “whitey” except in 70’s Norman Lear sitcoms.

          • miss t-lee

            Bingo.

      • L8Comer

        “The world would knowest no shade if not for the mahogany tree” ???

        • Mary Burrell

          Like I said down thread white people curse words are janky. If anyone is familiar with the character Abraham from The Walking Dead, he had some crazy swear words. “Mother Di*k.”

      • Exactly

    • Khalil Jannah

      Lmao

    • L8Comer

      ??? you’re so funny lol. I really pictured a stack of little white boys

      • LMNOP

        Me too, like in the minions.

    • BrownBearBear

      “I’m really just 3 little white boyz stacked on top of each other in a long trenchcoat.”

      Vanity is that a shoutout to Bojack Horseman?

      • Vanity in Peril

        Indeed.

        Aren’t we all Robert Adultman on the inside?

  • Courtney Wheeler

    “Disseminated via a sophisticated network of message-carrying bootyhole gerbils…”

    I have t find a way to incorporate this into my regular vocabulary.

    • Nametaken

      It’s between that and “racist swampdonkeys” for me. Really the entire article is wordplay gold.

      • Mary Burrell

        It’s wonderful it’s making my day today.

    • Mary Burrell

      IKR?

  • miss t-lee

    “I suppose if Black folks were bored enough and had such collective low self-esteem that we felt compelled to go underground as green bean casserole-loving terrorists to gain access to and f*ck up the pariah master classes and the secret mayonnaise taste testing societies, we could do so with less ridiculousness and relative ease.”

    Clap, clap bravo.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      I just had green bean casserole for the first time last week…

      ew..

      • blueevey

        Same, but during a friendsgiving. Bacon helps.

        • kingpinenut

          bacon helps everythang

          • brothaskeeper

            In a jar of pennies, bacon is the silver dollar.

      • It looks completely unappetizing. I’m surprised you tried it.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Curiosity with a dash of politeness.

          • cdj

            Is it green beans with cream of mushroom soup on It? I saw that in a Woman’s Day magazine once. I’ve never seen it in person.

            • miss t-lee

              Yup, with fried onion strings.

            • Courtney Wheeler

              Yeah. with french fried onions on top.

              • cdj

                Ewww

              • Mochasister

                Bleech!

          • LMNOP

            The first (and only) time it was offered to me I thought “I should really put this on my plate and move it around a little out of pity” but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Good for you lol

        • miss t-lee

          It’s gross.
          Much better ways to eat green beans outchea.

          • Mochasister

            I’ve had some green beans that were well seasoned and delicious. But they weren’t in a casserole.

            • Blueberry01

              Exactly. I love green beans!

            • miss t-lee

              Also.

      • wypipo

        What? Starting a mental list, “Things I Did Not Know Were White.”

      • miss t-lee

        My condolences.

      • Val

        Why?

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Putluck holiday dinner..someone offered it to me. Was curious/trying to be polite.

        • MsCee

          QTNA lol

      • Jacqueline

        My aunt mentioned making green bean casserole for Thanksgiving a few years back. The silence was deafening and she never mentioned it again. LOL

        • Courtney Wheeler

          LMFAO..sounds like something my family would do.

          Silent shame.

          • Jacqueline

            It is a a very effective tool!

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          Always someone in the family that want to be different! Smh lol

        • GOVCHRIS1988

          Oh no. Look, Broccoli and Cheese casserole, give it to me. But
          green bean casseroles are the Christmas Fruitcake of the casserole
          family.

          • Kylroy

            Christmas fruitcake is spot on, because you never see this crap outside of the holidays.

        • Mochasister

          It just sounds nasty. I’ve always associated it with white people. Probably because in my personal life the only people I know who prepare are white.

          • Jacqueline

            You are correct…on both counts!! LOL

          • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

            Frylock makes them, and I think he’s black. He gets no love for it, though. I’ve never had it and I’ve never had meatloaf, either. I don’t know about America, but in Canada, black people don’t play with casseroles or meatloafs.

            • Mochasister

              Meatloaf can be bomb tho! You just got to season it right.

              • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

                Come see me in Ontario and tell me the story!

                • Mochasister

                  Why did me and my Americentric self think you meant Ontario, California for a minute?! Lol! But yeah, meatloaf is good. Mix some ground beef (lately I’ve been substituting ground turkey.), some ground Italian sausage, egg, chopped onion, salt and pepper, and some other seasonings that I can’t remember right now and voila! Meatloaf fit for a king!

                  • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

                    No worries about the Americentric thing, it happens with Canadian places all the time. The only place I can think of where American people automatically default to the Canadian location is Vancouver, but otherwise, unless you’re going to Tuktoyaktuk, people think you’re below the border.

                    Most of your meatloaf ingredients are part of my spaghetti sauce. I’m not Italian, but I think it tastes pretty good, so yes, you make it sound appealing.

        • World’s Moistest Jheri Curl

          was aunty on that pipe?

      • NonyaB?

        Oh no! *Clutches heart in distress on your behalf*

      • Gibbous

        If it contained the word “casserole” it is a baked entrée and should contain the protein, typically meat. Technically Mac & Cheese is a casserole because up North & in the Midwest it IS the entrée.

        These veggie casseroles are nothing but mush!

        • I’m from the Midwest and macaroni and cheese is a side dish in my crib and everybody else I know.

          • Gibbous

            I’m from the NE, and friends from WI eat it as an entrée. Is WI the Midwest?

            • It is but are these friends white or black? Always assume I’m talking about black folks…lol

              • Gibbous

                White. I don’t think I know any Black people from WI. Then again, I only know 2-3 people from there to begin with.

                • Oh girl.. well there you have it…I lived in CT for a while and they did that too even in Mass but I’m gonna need some meat and a veggie with mine..please and thank you.

                  • Cleojonz

                    No. This is a firm no. I live in CT Mac and cheese is a side dish except for kids who can eat this as their meal 3 times a day every day.

          • Vitianagary

            Macaroni & cheese is a side dish… it’s a meal when it’s called “Mac-n-cheese” which usually starts with a pouch of orange dust…smh

        • Nik White

          People of color consider Mac & Cheese a side dish like rice or corn. Sometimes spaghetti is an entire or side (to be eaten with chicken for some reason) but Mac & Cheese accompanies greens, chicken and such.

      • Blueberry01

        My brother in law makes it every year for Thanksgiving and every year no one eats it. The trash can loves it, though.

        • Lmao!!!

          • Blueberry01

            It’s a shame, girl…

        • Mary Burrell

          ? lol

          • Blueberry01

            Sad, but true.

            I try to tell my sister (his wife) that no one eats it so he should stop making it. But she refuses to believe the truth.

            My dad takes a scoop on his plate to be nice; but, it somehow it is the ONLY food left on his plate as he states that he “can’t eat one more thing because he’s full!”

            • Mary Burrell

              Oh wow! ?

      • I feel when black ppl say they are having Green bean casserole that’s their not so subtle way of saying they are not really wanting my presence in their homes.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          I’m spoiled. Rarely did was have green beans from a can…

          I did have to snap those stupid peas though..cutting in on my Sega Genesis time :(

          • Girl and let’s not forget shucking corn and cleaning greens!! lol

      • Cleojonz

        My condolences lol.

    • One of the great things about New York is that you have a halfway decent chance of getting food from White people that tastes like something. (Yay Italians and Jewish Delis!) But other than that, you’re so right…

      • miss t-lee

        This wasn’t my quote.

        I’ve had good food from white folks here. Plennay. Mostly BBQ.

        • Cleojonz

          Southern white folks pretty much eat the same way as black folks, we have the same health issues, hypertension, diabeetus…

          • miss t-lee

            Yuppppp.

          • Yahmo Bethere

            There used to be a soul food setup at a weekly farmers’ market near my job. Line full of Black folks and Southern whites.

          • KCG

            *covers mouth and chuckles* this is true.

          • Marthajfowler

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sf71c:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !sf71c:
            ??
            ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash361ShopGiftsGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sf71c:….,……..

      • Courtney Wheeler

        God bless pastrami sandwiches with spicy mustard

      • Annalise Keating

        What exactly do you get from Jewish Delis in NYC that is so tasty? A food lover always interested in new tasty dishes wants to know…

        • Gibbous

          Turkey Ruben is delicious. Fresh bagels with lox, dill pickles, yum.

          Does pastrami actually count as processed meat? I mean it’s a fairly ancient “process.”

          • fedup

            “Fresh bagels with lox, dill pickles, yum”

            Truth.

          • Annalise Keating

            Pastrami is as processed as it gets.

        • marwilli

          Corned beef sandwich with mad spicy mustard. Like you basically pour mustard on each part you’re about to eat. So lit-ting-ton.

    • Mary Burrell

      ? lol

    • J Bernard Jones

      Seems as though a point has been missed here in this particular sub-thread.

      • miss t-lee

        Which?

    • Brambles

      Hahaha!!! Keep it up, and pretty soon you will have perfected the racist-inspired humor up until now only found in the likes of the KKK, with their side-splitting insults regarding blacks, watermelon, fried chicken, and moonpies! Really clever stuff!

  • Tasha Lawrence?

    Ummmm. I know I speak English. But my eyes are like this right now, scheming ?.

  • `Abdu’l-Karim Ewing-Boyd

    https://youtu.be/PqgU3co4vcI
    As an antidote for horribly fake online blackness, I’d like to offer this jewel. This made me so happy.

    • La Bandita

      So cute.

  • StillSuga

    Oh Alex how we’ve missed you

  • Minx

    I feel offended that I have a comment awaiting moderation, come on now!

    • Val

      I keep telling y’all, disqus is racist! Free Minx!

      • Minx

        I think my comment got eaten and for that I blame Rachel Dolezal.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    “Safe word in a crunch: BET.”

    LMAO. They tried it.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Once on this comment section there was a “black woman” claiming to find Donald Trump hot. Never to judge anyone preference I just told her to “Go with God”….and I that I kinda find young Liam Neeson hot.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Lol @ “Go with God.” That “sister” was doing the most.

        • Mochasister

          I don’t believe it was a woman at all. Probably some man.

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            It was most likely The Donald himself.

      • Tasha Lawrence?

        Stop it.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          My trolling is subtle. Like a fine wine it gets better with time. haha

      • LMNOP

        I wouldn’t even believe any of Donald Trump’s wives find him hot.

      • NonyaB?

        I. AM. UNABLE.

      • ElusiveCupcake

        Really? Jesus be a trip to LensCrafters. This woman clearly has a vision problem.

      • Mochasister

        No straight woman of any race whose vagina still has the capability of getting moist would find that old a**, tiny hand, toupee wearing, orange faced senior citizen “hot.”

        • Courtney Wheeler

          It was obviously a trolling situation…what usually makes them crawl back under their bridges is you have to be just as ridiculous as them. It’s not fun for them if they’re not in control.

          • Mochasister

            Oh, I get that they were trolling. It’s just that the idea of Trump being “hot” is so revolting. I had to comment on the absurdity of it.

            • Courtney Wheeler

              And also really lazy trolling…like really?

    • Blueberry01

      See, that’s how I know they’re out of touch. We don’t even watch BET anymore…

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Lol, we sure don’t. I stopped being a regular viewer when Free and AJ left.

        They probably meant it as “all right, bet,” but I read it as BET the network which made it even funnier.

        Either way it fails as a safe word as did everything else on this wack azz list.

        • Blueberry01

          Tell the truth! 106&Park with AJ and Free was the last meaningful show for us. ( I think that was right before they were bought by Time Warner, too.)

          I read it as BET the network, but “bet” could have worked. Although, if they made this dumb a*s list then they wouldn’t have got “bet” right either.

      • Cleojonz

        Thank you! I only ever watch BET by accident.

        • Blueberry01

          Or, watching the performances from an award show the follow day on BET.com.

          • Nik White

            That would be me!

      • Yahmo Bethere

        I’m so glad he has that tattoo on his chest. It would be even better if it were EBT.

        I distinguish the Viacom Tip Drill era from the red/blue Teen Summit era (*sob*).

        • Blueberry01

          Truth!

  • These accounts…SMH guys…stop it now.

  • Do people really this is a new thing?

    • True. The incognegro has been amongst us for a while.

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