Lists, Theory & Essay

What’s In A Name?.

Much like Asher Roth, I loved college.

It was a time of much growth, discovery, and beaucoup sarcasm plus I went to school at Morehouse College. Which means one thing – Spelman College is right across the street.

Yay! It absolutely gets no better that that people. You may think it does, but it does not.

You think it does = fail.

Sidenote: Am I the only person who wonders if Trey and Brandy broke up two weeks after they got to Atlanta because he saw all that fine tail running amok across the street at Spelman? There should have been some follow-up like we got with Ricky and Doughboy. Oh…right. They died.

Since me and my boys loved women so much, we made it a point to meet as many women as possible. Hell, we had two fully fleshed out and separate cliques of chicks that we hung with. I’m talking cliques of girls at least 10 deep on either side. We were jokingly considered the Group Orgy group because of how “free” we all were with one another.

Never did get up on that orgy though.

Anywho, me and one of my boys in particular, Frank White, were rolling partners (no hydro) something serious and used to spend an inordinate amount of time on Spelman’s campus. Hell, I took a second major just because all of the classes were at Spelman.

I’m serious.

One thing me and my hombre used to do was give the various women we’d encounter nicknames since we’d either forget their names or because we’d never meet them…usually on purpose. Plus, it always ensured we’d remember who they were. Even today, we still make mention of some of these women and nearly all of my boys know exactly who we’re talking about.

You’d like some examples right?

Sure you would.

That’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

The Wildebeest – Mostly because this chick actually did look like a wildebeest. (You know, I had no clue that you spelled wildebeest with two ‘e’s. I thought it was wildebeast. Wow. Thank you Microsoft Word 07.) Worst part is that she thought she was SO fly. Nope, she was more a land mammal.

FBI – So these two chicks stayed in the dorm with my boy’s girlfriend and MAN did they drop dimes to her – on anything. If they saw him out, they’d report it. If they saw him in, they’d report it. Hell, once, while he was WITH his girl, they called her just to tell her she was with him. Real talk.

Backout – Ah, a personal fan favorite. Me and my boy noticed that no matter what the temperature was outside, this chick ALWAYS had on a shirt that exposed her back. I know we were in Atlanta but damn, it did actually get cold at times. She loved her back so much that one winter (she was a year under us so we got three full years of her back) she wore a winter coat with a transparent lining just so all the men could see her back.

Her back wasn’t even all that fly. Probably just cold, but definitely not that fly.

All-For-Nothing – You ever see a chick who SHOULD be hot but isn’t? She had all the characteristics of a “hot chick” – light eyes, long hair, okay face, nice complexion, but somehow, she just wasn’t cute. At all. We spent the better part of 3 years and 2 homecomings trying to pin down her fatal flaw. We just decided God blinked and just said f— it.

Phenom – This chick, on one particular day, approached us with the perfect body. I mean perfect ass-to-waist ratio, Coke bottle shape, and sexy gait. And she gave good face. I mean she had it working. We were aghast and amazed, at the same time. We looked at each other and named her on the spot. Unfortunately, this chick currently looks less phenomenal and more like the sound you make when you put your tongue between your lips and make the farting noise. Yep, that’s what she looks like.

Cool Delta – Me and my boy fell in love with this chick. She was a dark chocolate, toned to the max, super faced, Amazon woman. I can’t confirm this, but I think my boy nearly busted on himself every time he saw her. And she’s a Delta, and Panama loves him some Deltas. Age and kids have gotten the best of her, but that won’t erase the memory we had of our Cool Delta.

So, good people of VSB, who’s real name have you replaced with a nickname and why?!?


Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.


why ask why?

  • Lili

    Good look on the South Park mention…I caught that ;)

    But, dude…light eyes= looks good? It might be a unique trait…but an attractive person that does not make.

    • iloVEGrits


      “But, dude…light eyes= looks good? ”

      I just assumed PJ based this on WHERE he went to school (the south) and WHEN (90s, yes?). In that location and during that time…light eyes were supposed to = segzy beast.

    • Hostess

      @Lili, Don’t you know that a swamp donkey with light eyes = fine, south of VA!? Not to me, but dammit, to so many from there…Tsk-tsk!

  • iloVEGrits


    Every guy I’ve gotten – save for one – has a nickname. Just cuz I don’t like using real names when talking about folk.

    There’s been Journey, the Dominican (from Dominica), Dimple…cuz he had just one…the Kenyan, Lieutenant Commander (his nickname used to be Cutie but changed since he got rank – Navy and b/c I gave someone else a similar nickname), Cutie Pie, BJ, etc.

    Those are real basic nicknames. The creative nicknames are saved for the true fools. Crumpled Bills is the name I gave the dude who pulled out a few crumpled singles to pay for our date. He didn’t have enough money. Le sigh. And Limp is the name I gave to the guy…well…you can guess that one.

    • iloVEGrits


      “Every guy I’ve gotten”

      Ok…that sounds soooo bad. Should have said “Every guy I’ve DATED”.

      • The Champ


        “Every guy I’ve gotten”

        Ok…that sounds soooo bad. Should have said “Every guy I’ve DATED”.


    • Luvvie


      “Crumpled Bill” just made me cackle without my knowledge or approval. LMAO!

      • V Renee


        Me too. hehehehe

  • Justbreathe

    “like the sound you make when you put your tongue between your lips and make the farting noise. ”

    *dead and gone…homies pouring out tequila and rum*

    • The Champ


      welcome and sh*t (i think)

      • Justbreathe

        @The Champ,

        Thanks! :-)

    • SouthernGirl



      *shooting gold stars*

  • Ms. Hall

    So Japanese guys aren’t always the most masculine looking chaps. Could be the lack of facial hair. But there’s this dude at Starbucks a few towns over who my friends and I call…yes we lack creativity…Mr. Starbucks. We mentioned him to another girl who wasn’t even with us when we named him and she new instantly who we were talking about. News of a masculine Japanese man travels fast.

    I’m not in the habit of naming people though. I think males tend to do this more often than females.

    • Hostess

      @Ms. Hall, “News of a masculine Japanese man travels fast.”

      And on Easter Sunday of all days!!!! I’m laughing and I know, on some level, I shouldn’t be.

  • Hostess

    At the risk of exposing my true identity…
    Ghey Ass White Justin.

    He’s not ghey. He’s not even white. And his name isn’t Justin. But his overall lack of interest in things chexual (with multiple women), his indeterminable ethnicity when wearing a hat, and the firm belief that the African name he rocked wasn’t his real name = ghey ass white Justin. He’s my friend on Facebook. P, I will give you one green dollar if you can figure out who he is!

    PB=Short for Punk B*tch. My girl coined this one but it rings true for one of my exes. I think it was Ghetto Boyz who exclaimed, “Don’t call me PUNK, BI*T*H…Don’t call my B*t*h, Punk…”

    As for Spelman women, I only know TWO Soelman chicks who weren’t/aren’t smug and boring. What’s up with that? I’m so glad, I went to Howard U, and not Spel-man…

    • Gem-eroni

      it’s funny how hateration comes so naturally to HU chicks. i guess it’s easy when Spelman is often ranked #1. *sad face*

    • miss t-lee

      “Don’t call me PUNK, BI*T*H…Don’t call my B*t*h, Punk…”

      OMG!!!!! This just brought back 8th grade memories…lol

    • Bailey

      @Hostess, Awww HU!

  • Lili

    Back to the topic- you guys and your nicknames. I didn’t know if this was an exaggeration, but you ALL clearly participate in this behavior. I don’t know any women who do this! lol

    • Hostess

      @Lili, Really? Nicknames were one of the cornerstones of my whole secret dated operation. It’s a small word and it’s better to say, “Cushion Pushin’s granny is a whore…” than to say, “Jason’s granny is screwing everything all up and through Shady Pines.”

      I’m just sayin’…

      • iloVEGrits


        “Nicknames were one of the cornerstones of my whole secret dated operation. It’s a small world…”

        Let the congregation say “Amen”.

        If you are black and educated and dating the same or even just dating people you meet in spots black folk frequent, chances are someone you knows knows someone who knows them. So nicknames are best.

        • Hostess

          @iloVEGrits, AMEN!!!!!!! How many men have curved ‘members’? Could my girls and I laugh about that without someone knowing him. Not only that, but add frat membership and ‘black names’ in there and errybody knows errybody.

      • Hostess

        @Hostess, That should be secret DATING OPERATION…In my defense, I’ve had lots of Easter wine.

        • iloVEGrits


          “I’ve had lots of Easter wine.”


          I had a whole joke about the blood of Christ ready but, not wanting to negate my praying and Church going and definitely not ready to earn a one way ticket to the flaming city that lies below, I refrained.

      • Lili

        LMBO…Well, I’ve had simple nicknames, like “the Puerto Rican” ;), but other than that I almost always mention names when discussing gents I’ve dated…

        • Me fail english?


          My current bf was “the Puerto Rican” until we made it official. We’re not creative either *shrugs*

    • Gem-eroni


      are you serious?!?!?! i’m with hostess and VEG on this one: nicknames are sooooo necessary, esp if you wanna protect his/her identity so you can talk about them in public without ppl knowin the specifics (read: govt names). they’re almost automatic with me and my crew. like, nicknames aren’t planned or premeditated, they just happen.

    • 3rd Supreme


      Me and my girls nicknamed males and females simply because our campus was too small. We just had to have code names in order to freely discuss our issues…in other words gossip in the cafe/student union without having people all up in your business.
      A few examples…
      The name Centaur was given to a chick who knew she was the ish but looked as though she was half horse and half man due to her misfortune in the proportion blessing. And our guy friends confirmed she indeed had an “oddy body”. However, you couldn’t tell her ish! Let her tell it, she was the most wanted female on campus…ok.

      The name Sharpe was given to a guy who just looked like someone had driven a semi into his face.

      The name Ferret was given to a guy who truly looked like the animal.

      Hey, what can I say? These things were exactly what came to mind once the individual walked into the union. We got chuckles every time….”girl, there goes your man, Ferret…he’s looking mad fresh today (with sarcasm)…hey!” or “girl, that &itch, Centaur, really thinks she’s fly today…somebody done told her wrong.”

      You get where I’m going…Safe gossip/hatin/fun/clownin’

      • Lili

        @3rd Supreme,
        I definitely feel you. Being at a mainly White school…when my friends and I talk about other Black folks…there usually aren’t any other Black folks around…so no one knows who we’re gossiping about!

      • V Renee

        @3rd Supreme

        Ferret??????? Hehehehehehe. That’s a great nickname. I’m on the look out for someone who looks like a ferret now. Just so they can get that nickname.

  • Gem-eroni

    … plus I went to school at Morehouse College. Which means one thing – Spelman College is right across the street.

    Yay! It absolutely gets no better that that people. You may think it does, but it does not.

    it really doesn’t. thank you for pointing that out. Happy Belated Founder’s Day to my Spelman sisters (read: N.I.A…)

  • shay-d-lady

    I love nick names! I give everyone a nickname
    That I use so I can discuss them right in front of their face with my folks or in front of the hubby
    There is Kay-a-si-gh cause this ninja loved his frat just a lil to much
    3 dubb-short for wee willie winky for obvious reasons
    KD short for king ding a ling….that’s enough for now but I got plenty what’s wierd is that I love nick names but haaaate pet names I wonder why?

    • The Champ


      I love nick names but haaaate pet names

      lol, this is odd. thats like loving kool-aid but hating sugar

  • Gem-eroni

    wow, there are so many ppl who have crossed my lifespace who have received a nickname, be it on purpose or by accident. it’s fun. everyone should do it.

    some infamous college nicknames…
    Man Tan*: girly was manly (well, she had a couple masculine features and a deep voice), she was light skinned, and our freshman year she always wore tan. the label was a no-brainer. and so was she.

    Jay Leno*: girlfriend had a seriously strong chin/jaw situation. you couldn’t NOT notice.

    *these were the most memorable and identifible by ppl who’d never heard the nicknames before. and both chicks were deltas. i’m not sure PJ would have fallen for these gals tho. hmmm.

    a few current nicknames…
    Semuel: my brother named my guy friend “Semual” after the character in the movie Soul FOod (complete with recitation of his lines in the movie when referring to my friend) because he swears my friend is his doppleganger. even my mom knows who “Semuel” is.

    Uncle the Usher: this took some collaboration but dude got his nickname by (1) wearing an old man outfit (bermuda shorts and mandals) to a summer cookout last year and (2) wearing a churchy usher-looking suit to an informal get together. everytime me and my girl see him we ask him for 2 fans and some offering envelopes.

    Michael Jackson: dude wears white socks with non-sneaker shoes. *smh* enough said.

    Green Eyed Bandit: my stalker, effectionately nicknamed by my homegirl, who has the skin color of Idris Elba yet insists on wearing green (sometimes light brown) contacts. yes you read that right — a grown man that wears colored contacts. *smh*

    Nigeria: given by a few of my friends because, very simply, dude is nigerian (shocking right??)

    Dwight: my coworker IS dwight k. shrute from “The Office”. he is a “martial artist” (kung fu not karate), is always in somebody’s daggone bizznass, and is obnoxiously random and weird at times. he has a good heart tho.

  • blackberry molasses on her Crackberry

    My college nickname was Sweetness. I didn’t find out that was my nickname till junior year… And my Res Hall Director was the one who told me. *sigh* I was deliciously naïve.


    Fakir- lied and said he was getting his master’s. We found out he was just a super-duper senior. yeah faked that he was a freaking genius when in reality, all his work was being done by…

    WBJ- 2520 dude who was a townie who enrolled in classes because he really was a genius and was bored. He was homies with…

    The Savages- these dudes were the grimy-est of grimy. Your woman-parts were NOT safe if you got caught in their web. The girls who got caught often were known as

    The PF’s (Party Favors)- most of them were breif in the rotation, but there were a few steadies on the roster. They had their own titles based on their campus activites, with the suffix ‘h*’. Par example ‘Gospel Choir H*’

    The Ingcogs (Incognegroes)- the master’s of the creep. For some time, I was a member of this low pro group. We also had to know errybody else’s business to keep ours on the low.

    PBK- pretty boy k****. He was Pretty. Like, rocked a press and curl to the Black and Gold Ball. And he was little. But he got NUFF play. I wonder if he ever graduated…. Hmmmmm

    I have to remeber more when I am more awake.

    • PrincesMo

      @blackberry molasses on her Crackberry,
      we had a black & gold ball at my school too! :)

    • Dom

      @blackberry molasses on her Crackberry,

      The PF’s (Party Favors)- most of them were breif in the rotation, but there were a few steadies on the roster. They had their own titles based on their campus activites, with the suffix ‘h*’. Par example ‘Gospel Choir H*’