Theory & Essay

Maybe I Suck, But What Makes You So Sure You’re Wife Material?

The patron saint of Black wifedom.

Hi, I’m Panama. I burn sh*t.

Let’s go.

You love to hear the story, again and again, about how 98 percent of women (see that’s some, not all! Generalize deez!) are nearly perfect until some man comes into their lives and ruins them like crack did the hood in the 80s. Or that women would all basically do right, if men would just do right. There’s this causality that assumes that the only reason a woman acts up is because she’s responding to the actions of some man which, of course, causes her to act totally outside of her character since we all know that 98 percent of all women are snowflake-like, Stepford wives with strong opinions and the very models of the modern major general cornerstones of peace and serenity.

Peace of mind. It comes with every piece of the rock. Prudential.

Y’all remember that commercial? Me neither.

When I think of most women I know I hear angels singing.

It’s true.

So I assume we can all or mostly agree, based on conventional wisdom and most conversations that we have that include people of boob and wang, that men suck and are arbiters of all that is wrong in relationships. I don’t truly believe this, but if you do an Ask a Black Woman panel similar to the Ask A Black Man panel that Madame Noire is running I’m fairly certain that 4 out of 5 women (and dentists) would come to similar conclusions. Which leads me to some other questions. But mostly one, which is not plural…

Do all women think that they’d make good wives?

Think on that for a second. I’m trying to figure out if I know a single woman who DOESN’T automatically assume that she’d make a good wife or is ready to be a wife and would be if it wasn’t for us of testosterone. I mean really that’s at the epicenter of the dating quagmire right? Most women are on the quest to be wives and us entitled poon-wranglers won’t get ourselves together long enough to settle down and accept what they already know to be true: that if she is feeling him, then she’s right woman for that particular man. We’re basically slowing down the natural evolution of society by taking our sweet time and damaging women in the process, no?

That’s an interesting concept. I know this young lady – well knew, we haven’t spoken in quite some time – who was going thru it with her man. This mofo just would not do right by any stretch of the imagination and I, like most civic-minded individuals who vote, asked her why she chose to stay with a man who was hellbent on not being what she wanted? Her response was that she had it in her heart that she was both good AND right for him and if he’d just pay attention he’d notice it too. He would realize that she’s the wife he needs in order to be the best man he could be.

Real talk, I’ve never been one of those folks who truly believe the “I know you better than you know yourself” ideology that some folks trumpet. I’ve had somebody tell me that right before I hit her with the hee that caused her to rethink that idea. But I actually think its ridiculous to be so sure that you are the right person for somebody else if that person doesn’t view you in that light. How can you be right for somebody if they don’t feel that way about you? Riddle me that sh*t, Batman.

Back to lecture at hand. I get the impression that because women are waiting for certain menfolks to come to their senses that you all think that these men have the potential to make good husbands at some point, whereas all women ARE or WOULD be good wives, kind of on GP. But I don’t know that any woman has ever had to sit down and wrestle with why. I mean how many of you all have ever been asked why you’d make a good wife? How many of you all have another answer aside from loyalty and commitment? And willing to smang like rabbits at least until you don’t feel like it?

I know women are more or less bred to be nurturers and caretakers. And maybe that’s all it takes. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been a wife. It’s also not my goal. Call me Allllllllmond. But those characteristics are also more important to being a mother than a wife. The two can go hand in hand but being one doesn’t imply the ability to be the other. I talked about that in being a great father but having difficulty being a boyfriend or potential husband.

I’ve rambled.

But here’s the point, women do you think that you are automatically ready to be a wife? And what makes you so sure? Fellas, do you think most (notice I said most, leave Poleina Slidedown out of this) women have the tools to be a good wife and we really are just losing by being too picky and waiting around? Are we ruining these good women out here?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. IZ YOU REDY? aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Mrs.AfriJay formerly known as African Mami

    FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRST PANAMA PLZ APPROVE QUICKLY!

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Mrs.AfriJay formerly known as African Mami

      No, I am not wife material. I am just girlfriend/lover/bestfriend material. I don’t care for marriage! But if Jay proposed, it’s a motherloving WRAP!

      • Santa Monica

        …no kidding?

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Mrs.AfriJay formerly known as African Mami

          @ Santa Monica

          no kidding about what?!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      first off…stop yelling.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com Mrs.AfriJay formerly known as African Mami

        @ PJ

        I’ve accomplished what I’ve always wanted on this blog!!!!!! Have a great motherlovers daaaaaaaaaaay. I was not yellling.Block letters, small letters-all the same for Mrs AfriJay!

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Wife until death do us part? No. I don’t think most people have the tolerance to do that especially now where there is far less societal pressure (and legally you actually can) to stay married no matter what.

    I think the majority of women that want to be married could put in the work, regardless of the quality of marriage, if they felt like it. They have since marriage began. I’m not quite sure how “good wife” is being defined though.

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      “I’m not quite sure how “good wife” is being defined though.”

      I would tell you to ask all of them, but I’m quite sure that you won’t get the same answer…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        *carl thomas voice* at alllllll at alllllllllll…

        then again i’m sure we wouldn’t have a universal answer either.

    • Josie

      I’m not sure how good wife or good husband is being defined here. I’m sadden by the number of men and women who have encountered so much sadness that they don’t think kindly of the opposite sex. Here’s an idea. Stop getting involved (whether casually or otherwise) in another’s life unless you genuinely have good intentions. I am single but that doesn’t make me desperate to find a mate. I’m a single mom. I’m not looking for her dad. She has one. I work on being the best person possible so when my mate comes along we can decide how to build a perfect union for us. Not every person we meet will fit the bill but that doesn’t mean we get to say all men/women think the way our exes did. Some said they know people who think they are good wives/husbands automatically then I’d say be a good friend to them and say nothing happens automatically (except maybe the passage of time).

      • Carapinha13

        So I defined Good wife/ Husband as what my grandparents had… Married for 50+ years.. They were MY definition of BLACK LOVE… Best Friends, confidants support systems, cheerleaders.. there was not a time I could remeber where neither one didnt know something about the other (this in the time before CEll phones n texts) I remeber as a lil girl I used to ask my granma why she worked so hard.. she told me bc Grandpa did.. She didnt expect nor want anything from him that she herself wasnt doing… My grandfather was military then worked for the Govt in some form or fashion til he passed, my grandma was a teacher then a daycare owner (Very motherly if i say so). She also had breakfast, lunch n dinner ready (til this day i dont think she ever slept….)
        I try n model myself after her and the things and lessons she taught me… BE yourself, strong confidant, love openly, and be open-minded and you’ll get it back in return. and I have that in my partner, Best friend, fiance…….

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    Oh look at Panama burning ish. You’d think he was an arsonist or something. Which, if y’all ain’t seent this on le Twitter, this is me not having sense but the message is still valid —> http://t.co/865fVjwG 

    Ya know, at the surface, I’d prolly make a good wife, I’m caring, supportive, good-natured and all them other adjectives that go in match.com profile but if I were really real with myself I’m not entirely and completely sure if I’m ready to be a wife. I actually view it in a way that people view being a parent. Or having chex for the first time. You never know until… you know. And even then you don’t know until you’re actively doing it. No pun. Hell, even parents who ARE actively parents question themselves every now and then.

    So while I’d like to think that I’d make a great wife, what I’d really like to think that I’d be half of a great union period. I’d hope that I’d make HIS great wife, not just a great wife. Because in order to be a great wife, you’d have to ask what a great wife consists of for that particular person. I bet it varies…

    • DG

      I’d hope that I’d make HIS great wife, not just a great wife. Because in order to be a great wife, you’d have to ask what a great wife consists of for that particular person. I bet it varies…

      You’re wise beyond your years, Cheeks….

      • Justmetheguy

        Yeah she pretty much shut it down with that last paragraph. Well played Cheeks.

        #teamleo

        • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Rawr. Thanks, hun.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        very very true. that was some poignant sh*t.

        • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          AND you used my word, homie?! Beeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaave! LOL, thanks mister.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        @DG,

        *blushes and kicks cutesy pebble*

        Aw, I try. Thank you!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ShaneAwesome Shane

      This is one of the most thoughtful and candid statements I’ve ever heard someone make.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Aw, thanks, Shane. Given the fact that I wrote this on my way to sleep in the middle of the night, it just adds ammo to the fact that I truly do my best work when the sun goes down.

        #vsbafterdark *shifty eyes*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      that’s some extremely good perspective you’ve got there ms. cheeks.

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      #teamcheekola

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Tee shirts!!!

    • http://blessednbabbling.wordpress.com Ashley

      “I’d hope that I’d make HIS great wife, not just a great wife. Because in order to be a great wife, you’d have to ask what a great wife consists of for that particular person.”

      and there it is

  • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    I’d like to think I’d make a good wife, but I honestly don’t know. The things that make me wife material for one man may make me just passable to another. I do think, or rather know, that I am great person and you can’t build a bad house on such a good foundation… Am I ready to be a wife? I don’t think so, no; there’s so much I wanna learn about/for myself before I involve someone else. Am I willing to be a girlfriend? Learn to grow with someone and then maybe turn into a wife? Yes. But right off the bat, BOOM wife? Definitely not…

    • jazzylia

      “The things that make me wife material for one man may make me just passable to another.”

      +1

      I’d like to think I’m a potential great wife to a few, a good wife to some, and the rest don’t matter.

    • Latonya

      I agree ! it different strokes for different folks what maybe wive material to one man may not be the same for another!

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      “The things that make me wife material for one man may make me just passable to another. ”

      Exactly!!

      Instead of assuming we’d make a great wife (not to say the generic qualities don’t add up to a great wife, but they are just that… generic), we should ask fellas what makes a great wife to them. I’d be interested in the answers…

      • Chanelle

        “We should ask fellas what makes a great wife to them…”
        This is what I would like to know as well

  • naturalista88

    “But here’s the point, women do you think that you are automatically ready to be a wife? And what makes you so sure?”

    I can honestly answer this question w/a sure and confident “no,” and I have no problem in admitting I am not- and may never be- ready to be a wife. I’m lazy, I procrastinate, and I am not willing to make a commitment to something that takes a lot of work and cultivation to make sure it doesn’t all go to hell in a hand basket. Now, I know these are things that I need to work on just so I can become a better person overall, but remember that part where I said I’m lazy? Yeah, I meant that sh!t and I don’t know when I’ll ever make myself grow out of that phase.

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      At least you are honest about yourself. I once knew this girl who insisted she was wife material- despite her questionable dating habits. The irony of it all is while she strongly felt that way, no man was willing to marry her.

      • Justmetheguy

        Yeah props to you for actually realizing and admitting this. You’re not part of the problem imo, because many men and women are immature and need work (specially my 25 y/o @ss) it’s the women who are like this but won’t admit it, and insist that they’re wife material due to other irrelevant factors (degree, career, attittude etc) that are delusional. If you’re not willing to work on yourself for you, then why should I sacrifice myself for your lazy/selfish/immature *ss. Many women are also hellbent on this “take me as I am” concept. Yeaaaaah, good luck with that

        • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

          “it’s the women who are like this but won’t admit it, and insist that they’re wife material due to other irrelevant factors (degree, career, attittude etc) that are delusional.”

          Man…If I had a nickel for every time I heard this one…

        • Survivor

          You bring up a good point. A LOT of my edumacated girl friends think their career makes them an automatic winner. I’ve come to the conclusion that while having a degree, own house, two cars and a good job (boosie voice) are all wonderful n shit…a wifey, it does not make.

          Also, lately I hear a lot of women throw around the whole “i can throw down in the kitchen, so choose me” idea. Again, great attribute, but that doesnt make you a perfect wife. I would assume it takes much more than that.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      real talk…i think most men are far more understanding and interested in women with self-awareness to know that they arent’ perfect than women who swear they are but fail every day. much like y’all assume most men do. (not you personally, just generally speaking)

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      Major props for admitting your faults and what you need to work on. I’m sure men would take that self-awareness over delusion (a fault in and of itself… and probably a worse one because it means it won’t be worked on) any day.

  • jazzylia

    I don’t think any woman is *automatically* a good wife. The skill set required to help make a marriage successful are qualities one must learn, and they are different for every relationship.

    To hell with that if/then ish when it comes to relationships. IF he really wanted you, THEN he would of stopped cuttin with his ex (or popped the question / introduced you to his fam, etc) ages ago, smh.

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      And that is the absolute truth, Ruth!

  • 2bougie

    Ok, I KNOW I’m not ready to be a good wife right now, but this is after a long self-delusional period of thinking I’d be perfect for him, that guy, sir over there, oh and him too (of course not at the same time). I know what my mom (parents married for 31 years) does and you know what I don’t want to do that yet. It could be that I’m in a really selfish place in life right now, but the most I can promise is to call/text him back and maybe squeeze him into the schedule once or twice a week. I think if women were more self-reflective and had a little more going on with life than waiting for Mr. Right we’d realize we aren’t all just there yet. I’ll be ready to be a good wife when someone is ready to make me one.

    • Kema

      “I know what my mom (parents married for 31 years) does and you know what I don’t want to do that yet. It could be that I’m in a really selfish place in life right now, but the most I can promise is to call/text him back and maybe squeeze him into the schedule once or twice a week”

      Wow!!! This could be my post… parents married 31 years, not wanting the responsibility (EVERYTHING) my mom has in the relationship and being selfish. I dont see this changing so I may never be ready to be a wife.

      • GirlSixx

        Whoaaaaaa Nelly!!

        You were once a wife before, just like I was as well so to say you may never be ready to be wife material….. *ponders-n-reflecting** you know what nevamind.. ;)

        • Kema

          Hah! Sad thing about mine… My ex-hubby was/is husband material.

      • Justmetheguy

        Kema you’re like the female version of me (but mo thicker in the thighs dough) lol Yeah my parents have been married 30 plus years and I KNOW I’m not ready, won’t be ready in the next 5 years, and may NEVER be ready, so we see eye to eye on this one.

        • Kema

          Well never says never… If you are around when I am over 70 we might as well split the bill for the old folks home. IJS

          • Justmetheguy

            LMAO so you sayin we gon be playin Bingo together in about 50 years? lol, I’ll be impressed if either of us can remember this blog

  • Amos Banks

    Women think they will make a GOOD wife, but many guys just want a COOL wife. Much of the goodness in a wife comes from being agreeable.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      ” Much of the goodness in a wife comes from being agreeable. ”

      I agree infinity times infinity.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

      Serious question tho, why do all the crazy non-argeeable women seem to be married then?

      • Chanelle

        lol I’ve noticed this as well

      • http://twitter.come/InAnimateAlpha Animate

        HOnestly, they may be agreeable with the person they are with in the ways that they can tolerate.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        No one said crazy disagreeable women don’t get married.

        The person said: ” Much of the goodness in a wife comes from being agreeable. ”

      • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

        Uh…because they’re great in bed and they’re uninhibited?
        As you know, crazy girls are the best in bed- not that I know about that personally…

      • Meisarebel

        I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here…

        Those crazy ones could also be married caused they suckered their husbands into marrying them. Gave them that ultimatum. Or, you know, had his child, next step marriage. I’ve seen it.

        • Justmetheguy

          ” Or, you know, had his child, next step marriage.”

          Ding ding ding! We have a winner. My cousin’s goin thru this right now and he’s such a good kind-hearted, God fearing dude. I hate it had to happen to him, but I think I’d have to pay child support and parent in summertimes or something cause I can’t do the crazy lady’s husband thing. Strap up fellas, or at the minimum stay away from crazies

          • ESQxTwo

            Your cousin is a kind-hearted and God fearing man? Tell me more…Oh wait, he’s married nevermind!

      • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

        “Serious question tho, why do all the crazy non-argeeable women seem to be married then?”

        And there you have it! The reason why I think men are full of sh*t. They only marry this type.

    • Mo-VSS

      Very true indeed!

    • Todd

      CHURCH! I don’t get why so few women get that. I also don’t get how many of the few who get it confuse agreeable with boring. You can flip it up and do something different while still being agreeable. You just gotta know how to work it.

      • Justmetheguy

        “CHURCH! I don’t get why so few women get that. I also don’t get how many of the few who get it confuse agreeable with boring. You can flip it up and do something different while still being agreeable. You just gotta know how to work it.”

        Sums up my thoughts on delusional women thinking they’re ready for marriage. For something built to go the long distance, harmony and peace is of the UTMOST importance, NOT your ego

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      *Prayer Tabernacle Down By The Riverside Baptist Pentecostal Pope Friar Tuck Southside of the Nortshide AME CME Church*

    • http://PitchandPass.me Sonia

      I’m a wife. And that is the ultimate truth. Men want a cool wife. In my opinion and I haven’t been single since the last millennium, women I know want fathers to their children. I don’t know many who want to be just wives. They want “permanent” men (husbands) to complete their family.

      • Mena

        In my opinion and I haven’t been single since the last millennium, women I know want fathers to their children. I don’t know many who want to be just wives.

        Very insightful.

    • http://www.chocolate-american.tumblr.com Rod

      +1 to this as well. But it also requires a man to be a “good man” like Raphael Saadiq and put his family above himself and sacrifice himself. It’s hard to do this for a disagreeable woman, but a woman can’t be agreeable to a selfish-ass man.

      But as long as both are actively tring to DO BETTER, I think you can call that marriage material.

  • missmajestic

    I think there are WAY less women than men who don’t want to get married and will admit. (Women who genuinely don’t want to get married. There are women who steadily pursue men while claiming they don’t want to get married, thinking it will make them more attractive to said men).There is supposed to be something wrong with a woman who doesn’t want to get married. Then there are women who genuinely want to get married but have no clue about being a wife-they are not one and the same. Just because a woman is dying to get married doesn’t mean she’ll be a good wife. She might have a fly wedding though. However, I think men who want to get married will generally be good husbands. Double standards.

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      “Just because a woman is dying to get married doesn’t mean she’ll be a good wife. ”

      Try telling that to young girls in this day and age.

    • Meisarebel

      True talk don’t lie.

      I know a lot of females who talk about getting married but the conversation never gets pass the wedding. This dress, that song, this type of banquet, who is her maid of honour. Not one mention of 10 years down the line.

    • Justmetheguy

      “However, I think men who want to get married will generally be good husbands. Double standards.”

      Exactly! It may be a double standard but it’s true though. Mainly because men have a more realistic view of what marriage is (we don’t give a sh*t about the wedding, and we know the honeymoon won’t last more than a week.) so when a man’s ready to do what it takes, he’s gonna be an awesome (even if not ideal or perfect) husband. Me personally, I’m enjoying being a womanizer so I’ll pass on all that

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        LOL. i think this is very true.

      • SweetSass

        “Awesome” husbands? Are you joking? If they are awesome husbands, then why are the vast majority of divorces initiated by the woman? Plus… you know domestic violence, cheating. Whatnot.

        Just because a guy chooses to pop the question does NOT mean he will be a good husband. Far from it. AshleyMadison or SeekingArrangement would be outta business if that was the case…

        Ya’ll are talking about women struggling with being pleasing… but men are struggling with a even more fundamental issue: fidelity. #getouttatown

        • Breezy

          Allathis!

        • Justmetheguy

          @SweetSass- So don’t get married.

          #problemsolver

        • MaMu1977

          Wait, I got this.

          “I love you, but I’m not *in love* with you.”
          “You’re always gone, you never have *time* for me (us).”
          “It’s like we’re going through the motions. I want a husband, not a friend.”
          Sound familiar? Because divorce statistics in America break down like this…

          5-10% no-fault, filed by men
          15-25% fault, filed by men
          15-25% fault, filed by women
          45-60% *no-fault*, filed by *women*.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      man, this comment is so real.

      very rarely do you hear women talk about 10 years from teh wedding. which is why most men have the same common fear, marrying the wrong woman and being stuck with her 10 years from the wedding b/c you dont want to get divorced. i feel like many woman find a man they want to marry and be the husband at their wedding. but men are looking for wives in perpetuity. not that we don’t also f*ck up that equation. and it def aint all women.

      but hell, all Disney movies stopped at the wedding. Shrek is the only movie that moved on past the wedding and you see t hem ninjas were STRUGGLING. lol. nobody really talks about that sequel though.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        “but hell, all Disney movies stopped at the wedding. Shrek is the only movie that moved on past the wedding and you see t hem ninjas were STRUGGLING. lol. nobody really talks about that sequel though.”

        This is a very good point. LOL

      • GirlSixx

        “Shrek is the only movie that moved on past the wedding and you see t hem ninjas were STRUGGLING. lol. nobody really talks about that sequel though

        BOL..

        Riighttt??!!!!

        • ESQxTwo

          If you meet a girl who already has her dress, ring, wedding location, etc picked out, you should probably run in the other direction. What this chick is saying is: I’m trying to have a wedding, not be married. I just need a man (any man) to serve as the missing piece to my puzzle. She’s probably a Simp!

          I’m 28 yrs old, I believe marriage is sanctioned by God, so that’s what I want for my life. I think that I am wife material and that I’m ready to be married. But, do I have a ring picked out? Umm…no…isn’t that his job anyway? A dress? I don’t even know what I’m wearing to work tomorrow, much less what I’m wearing to my wedding which is not even in the forecast right now. I do want to have a beautiful wedding someday, but not at the expense of marrying someone with whom I can’t see spending the rest of my life. I’m more interested in knowing your core beliefs and how they match up with mine, whether we agree on how children should be raised, your financial philosophies, your vision for “our” lives, you know…all that boring stuff *sarcastic font*!

      • Bree

        Panama Jackson cosign on all that. I hear the same thing from men.
        Women seemed to be overly concerned with the wedding, while men are more focused on the marriage in and of itself.

  • AfroPetite

    At this point in my life, I’m definitely not “automatically” wife material (so much life to live and growing which must take place first). I don’t knock women who marry young but I’m not about that life lol I think many women assume that their ability to do certain tasks and dole out copious amounts of lack luster chex make them “wifey material”. I will say that I have the tools (read assets) needed to become such when the time is right.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

      +1

      I know I am far from good wife material. At this point in my life I would make a terrible wife and a worse mother. Not that I am a bad person I just don’t want to cultivate that skill set right now. My main goals in life right now are my career, education, and being a BAWSE. This doesn’t make for a good wife. And sadly I am not concerned with the unit but the individual-me.