What I’ve Learned (And What I’m Learning) A Year After My Divorce » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

What I’ve Learned (And What I’m Learning) A Year After My Divorce

Dustin Seibert

 

Seems that nearly everyone agrees that 2016 was a front-to-back wack-ass year for a lot of wack-ass reasons. For me, the year took a sharp-left shit-show turn in its very first seconds. Literally.

During an otherwise wonderful New Year’s Eve wedding with my family in Detroit, my wife and I descended into the worst fight we ever had. Which is saying a lot, because we got down.

The fight ended at dawn on January 1, with her leaving me asleep in my mama’s condo to take a flight back home to Chicago (we’d driven together). A little more than a week later, my marriage was effectively over after two and a half years.

The End came not as a result of the “Big Three” – no abuse, no money problems, and, to my knowledge, no physical or emotional affairs. The events that led to our dissolution, as is often the case, are related to problems we had since the beginning of the relationship and would take longer to explain than the space I have here.

Untangling lives is an inherently traumatic experience – like sorting through the remains of a fire to see what remains intact. To this day, I miss my father-in-law and my puppy more than anything else. But even as started over in the dead of a Chicago winter, I knew losing the love of my life wouldn’t ruin me so much as it would evoke some valuable lessons.

Indeed, I credit 2016 with bringing about a personal and professional awakening unlike any that I’ve had in my adult life: I’ve learned so much about myself from being single for the first time in my 30s. Last summer was one of the best I’ve had in years, as was this past holiday season with my friends and loved ones.

But, barring my sudden and unforeseen death from a bad case of DoingwhatthefuckIwantitis, I still have a lot to learn from my “conscious uncoupling,” especially as it pertains to future relationships. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

1. No regrets

When we almost broke up 15 months into the relationship, shortly after we moved in with each other, I was literally on my knees in tears, begging her not to leave.

This time around, my last-ditch attempts to save us were disingenuous – her rejection of them met with internal relief. Packing up and moving out in the weeks that followed was like a dog being let off his leash, one link at a time.

The expected sleepless nights and loneliness in the first month or so never obfuscated my belief that the parting was the right thing. But even as I look back and acknowledge the early warning signs in our union, I never for a split second regretted my decision to get married. We had some fantastic times together, and I wish for all married people the finest of what we had.

2. Fuck the opinion of others

Since failed relationships happen to damn near everyone, I’m impervious to being shamed by mine; it’s like being ashamed by passing gas. 

Most people have been respectful of my divorce, offering me solace (that I never truly needed) and suds (that I was always willing to take). Anything remotely approaching judgment has come not from people who are divorced or have been married for years, but from single people still hopped up on the happily-ever-after narrative of shitty Kate Hudson romantic comedies and the divorce-is-not-an-option mindset that conveniently ignores actual divorce statistics.

Marriage requires work and effort. But when shit falls apart like a house of cards, divorce is always an option. Don’t grow old stuck in a vortex of misery because you care what people will think.

3. Dating is different now

In my 20s, I was dating to find my would-be wife and babymoms. Now, it’s much different: I’m not looking to walk down the aisle again anytime soon, but while I’m still figuring what I do want out of future relationships, there’s liberation in not being encumbered by the path to the diamond ring. It allows for a more honest flow, and I’ve experienced the most refreshing candidness when date fellow divorcees.

There’s also a maturity and swagger that develops through living with and sharing one’s life with a woman. It manifests itself in an increased degree of patience, more deliberate use of words and – in my case – a heightened awareness of overall cleanliness (I’m still scared to leave my shavings in the sink and I live by my goddamn self).

She always said that if we ever broke up, I’d be better for the next woman than when she found me. She was right about that: my conditioning has been conditioned.

4. I’ll never again sacrifice who I am

No one’ll argue that compromise is a foundational component of successful relationships, and some would say marriage ups that ante. It’s sometimes difficult to distinguish between good and bad compromise, but while you can be more mindful of scraping your plate in the trash or making sure your streaked-up draws actually land in the hamper, you can’t be less social, less introverted or extroverted; or less you at the behest of another.

I made sacrifices to my personality, privacy and writing in order to stay in my union because I loved her dearly. But I came to quietly resent her for it, and slowly rebel in a way that wasn’t conducive to our marriage. Marital counseling was only a temporary fix, because not even someone who’s paid $300 an hour has the magic fairy dust to change a nigga’s constitution.

5. Marriage is a-changin’

“My parents/grandparents have been together for 40 years and I’m looking for that.”

I’ve read some iteration of this in quite a few online dating profiles. Sounds adorable, but it doesn’t acknowledge that the connubial paradigm is rapidly shifting in America. For starters, women are no longer financially yoked to their husbands as they were generations ago, when they couldn’t reasonably divorce. Combine that with an overall more gender-progressive society, and women are far less likely to endure bullshit from their husbands just to stay married. This dynamic is especially pronounced in the black community.

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, the most enlightening book that I’ve read in my adult life, examines marriage and monogamy on an anthropological level. It explains that the first humans were egalitarian and non-monogamous, and that we really started worrying about what (and who) belongs to whom with the advent of agriculture a few thousand years ago.

Essentially, the reason we struggle through making it through decades with just one muthafucka day in and day out is because we’re literally not wired to do so. Just check the success rates.

I didn’t need a book to realize that far more people get married than are actually built for our societal expectations of marriage. Gassed up on a childhood worth of fairy tales and shitfest Kate Hudson romantic comedies, far too many people learn the lesson that this marriage shit ain’t checkers the hard (and expensive) way. But I strongly believe that it’s going to continue to evolve (or devolve, depending on your perspective) in successive generations.

6. Extended mourning is a waste of time

The week or two before I moved out was the very first time in the better part of five years that I actively avoided going home. One evening during that time, as I drove through southwest Chicago, I called my mother to ask her, “Why do you think I allowed this to happen?”

Reflections on my role in the end of the marriage persist to this day, driving me from time to time to seek counsel from my mother and closest friends. Perhaps my most present ongoing fear is how I would handle truly falling for another woman, or if that’s even possible right now.

That said, I’m well past the grief and mourning period of it all. I look at people who spend, say, a year “getting over” a two-year relationship like I do people who put sugar in their grits: with pure befuddlement. We both hit these streets relatively quickly: I found her on Tinder a month after I moved out, and had a nice laugh at the knowledge that she was moving on with her life.

It’s all a far cry from the vision I once had of us: white-haired, wrinkled and watching our grandkids frolic in the grass, still as in love as we were in the beginning. Indeed, I still love her, and I always will to some degree. But there’s placidity in the knowledge that everything ends and everyone dies. We just need to rock with the good times as long as we can.

I’m too young to permanently write off marriage. And I know my capacity for love wasn’t extinguished – I still get butterflies when I’m excited about a woman, and I realize there are few greater joys than loving a woman and having her love my stankin’ ass in return.  

But since walking down the aisle again sounds like the equivalent of shoving a knitting needle full of termites up my urethra right now, there’s probably a hell of a lot of time, learning and personal experiences separating me from shopping for another overpriced rock.

Which is fine, because there may be no better time to be single than one’s 30s. So say the stamps on my passport.

Filed Under: ,
Dustin Seibert

Dustin J. Seibert lifts heavy weights and plays all his video games on hard mode to find peace. He has a better ear for hip-hop than anyone else you know. He writes like the English language is going outta style because the steaks in his freezer are dependent on it.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Salute to your bravery.

  • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

    You seem very self aware. And intact with your emotions.

  • Irked Wind & Tired (Hooba)

    Sorry to hear you’re going through, Friend. But glad to see you’re getting through.

  • Tish Harris

    All truth here, especially number 2.

  • Val

    Really good post. Sorry your marriage ended. Looks like you have the introspection thing going. Which is a good thing. Good luck.

  • So sorry to hear about your divorce. You never want to hear about couples uncoupling. At least from your pov, you seem happy and very self aware. Now you go and take all of these lessons & conquer life. You’ll be stronger & hopefully a better person for it.

  • Maybe you’re single cuz you’re wack.

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      Now those are words of encouragement you don’t hear everyday.

    • L8Comer

      Tris!!!

    • MsCee

      I wanted to say it soooooo bad but my softer side decided to make an appearance today.

      • L8Comer

        I def thought it, but I didn’t have the gall to say it. I’m not mad tho

        • Mochasister

          I see I am not the only one.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Me too. I still remember how he rubbed all the VSSs the wrong way and had the VBSs trying to unsuccessfully defend him.
        I don’t wish divorce on anyone, but I also don’t wish a bad marriage on anyone either.

        • Val

          Wait, what did he do? I don;t remember.

          • MsCee

            See article “Maybe you’re single because you’re wack”

          • L8Comer

            U don’t remember the most epic dragging of all time on VSB? Dusty? Maybe you’re single cuz you’re wack?

            • Val

              I just went back and strolled down memory lane. For some reason I didn;t participate much that day. Must have had some work to do. I did drop this gif though, so I did realize all heck was breaking loose.

              https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kh7P1rP0y1o/UqFQFKCZu7I/AAAAAAACi5g/1wjZg4RDp8U/s1600/war-gifnuclear.gif

              • AP became an all star that day.

                • L8Comer

                  Omg yasss her trolling was a sight to behold. It was awe inspiring.

                  • The team needed a win and Ruby carried the ball like a pro.

              • L8Comer

                Ohhh it was bad. The post was even revised. And he still got dragged. I remember someone said something about not having to lower standards or do something or the other cuz she was single and he was like “you better do SOMETHING!” Ruby woohoo was in rare form, people were throwing shots at his wife, the VSB were trying do aisle cleanup, Dustin was battling with commenters, there was lessons about dragging etiquette and he broke all the rules, it was bananas

                • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

                  Oh, let me bookmark for later study reading.

                  • L8Comer

                    Those comments go deep, but it was legendary. I’d get snacks and dranks and would go back and read. Very interesting stuff

                • grownandsexy2

                  I got to go back and refresh my memory. Lawd!

                • MsCee

                  I am over here cackling all out loud. Lawd, that was an ugly day. I remember Champ having to get involved after VSSs starting pointing out the fact that the (ex) wife was Puerto Rican.

                  • L8Comer

                    It was crazy

                  • Lisss

                    It wasn’t VSS pointing that out. He made a point to do that all by himself. Aint nobody was checking on his (now ex) wife’s ethnicity until he brought it to let BW know how good he got it. Or shall i say had.

                    • It wasn’t VSS pointing that out.

                      it kinda was….

                      i mean yea he had it in his bio but the comments made it a thing.

                      but…it is what it is now, i guess.

                    • L8Comer

                      you’re right. VSS saw that butter pecan puerto rican description in his bio paired with the giving black women advice on their wackness and it did not go over well. understandably so

                    • cakes_and_pies

                      It’s weird to have a bio of you listing your marriage to a butter pecan Puerto Rican as an accomplishment.

                    • L8Comer

                      it’s very weird. and that’s putting it nicely. Women picked up on it. good for us for knowing the real deal.

                    • I had to go check my bio real quick… I can say that I have referred to my Dominican husband in my bio before..it was more like an homage to diasporan love… He’s Afro-Dominican. I’m Black American and Afro-Cuban so it was big black lovefest.

                    • Brother Mouzone

                      You won’t get checked on that. I think it only applies to Black men.

                    • I don’t think I would get checked at all because my husband IS BLACK.

                    • Brother Mouzone

                      I think you read that without the sarcasm…

                    • Naw.. I read it with the sarcasm… My point is my husband isn’t white so that doesn’t apply to me..lol

                    • Brother Mouzone

                      I know that about you already. What I meant when I said that was it applies to a Black man mentioning the race of his spouse and I don’t think the same applies to a Black woman mentioning their wydude. I was saying you’re all good BECAUSE I already knew yours was Black…you’ve mentioned him before. It was said with snark that gets lost in translation.

                • Mochasister

                  Yes. I remember. I think I came out of lurking to comment. Talk about battle of the sexes.

                • miss t-lee

                  Yup. It was 195 miles of back country gravel uglay up in here.

                  • Upvoting this because it was country af!! lmao

                    • miss t-lee

                      “I can’t help my roots, I showed up in my boots”

                    • you 2 fa 2 doe!! lmao

                    • miss t-lee

                      LOL
                      It’s a country song, but the title is so apt.

                  • menajeanmaehightower

                    Dead.

                • nillalatte

                  Great recap! LOL

                • Wild Cougar

                  I remember that. He was about to be single, too. Glass houses….

                  • L8Comer

                    Yep. There was some major projection going on. and I believe that was you he said the “if it gets u a man, u better do SOMETHING to”. That crazy reaction showed his true colors and was so crazy.

            • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

              I don’t remember it. Was it last year?

          • Brooklyn_Bruin
          • Mochasister

            Val, how could you forget?! He was trying to “help” us Negro women understand what was wrong with us and how we could do better. He then (very thoughtfully I might add.) let us know how his Puerto Rican wife was the best thing ever. He mentioned her ethnicity in every other sentence. I could be exaggerating (but I am not.).

            • Val

              I just needed a refresher. It was epic in the comments that day. AP showed out. Lol

            • naughtycorner

              As an Afro Caribbean woman myself I had no beef with a PR wife (your life live it ) and also contrary to popular opinion I know they come on all shades but he had to stress the “butter pecan ”
              All I can say after that debacle he is a braver man than I for penning this story here wish him all the best tho

              • Mochasister

                Yes, I too realize that Latinos come in different races and skin tones. However, I think the fact that he kept harping on the fact that she was a non Black Puerto Rican that stood out to me as well. I think if she had been a Black Puerto Rican I don’t think he would have done that. He mentioned her ethnicity and skin tone so often that I started to wonder if some fetishization was involved.

                • naughtycorner

                  Yeh I remember(lurker at the time)
                  Based on his response to Tristan above he looks like he hasn’t learned his lesson about being defensive in the comments section .Between his deification of non black women and his use of the pejorative term “porch monkey ” to refer to a fellow black man . Its clear whats up with this dude he can go have a seat next to Taye Diggs Terrance Howard etc

              • The “butter pecan” almost always is synonymous with the J.Lo type Rican…meaning white. soooooo there’s that.. lol

                • Mochasister

                  Yeah, that’s what I thought. Something told me she wasn’t a Celia Cruz or Gina Torres type Latina.

                • miss t-lee

                  Yup.

            • miss t-lee

              Go in though!

              • Mochasister

                Blinks innocently. ” Who, me?”

                • miss t-lee

                  *snickering*

        • MsCee

          Right, but we shall save our petty for another day and support our fellow VSB in his journey back to the “wack” side.

        • Quirlygirly

          Yeah..I remember the post but it is a new year and I am working on being a new Q. I cant gloat about him being single again, even thought he tried to play VSS last year.

          • cakes_and_pies

            Oh, I’m not gloating. It just struck me as a reason your should keep your personal life personal, and not “school” Black women on why we’re all too wack to be booed up.

            • Wild Cougar

              ……things are coming around real fast nowadays. Watch your back for crow on a plate

        • That popped in my head. I didn’t have the heart to bring it up.

          • miss t-lee

            Bless his heart, indeed.

            • Mochasister

              You mean this in the Southern way, don’t you? Lol!

          • Your avi is gorgeous, girl!!

        • Oh snap! I think this that was the article to bring me to VSB. It was…enlightening.

        • miss t-lee

          Mmmmmm hmmm.

        • Brother Mouzone

          Ohhhh….now THAT explains it. I knew it must have been something this dude said to offend the VSS’s in the past that makes everyone come at him so hard when he posts.

    • revenge is a dish best served by the petty.

      kudos.

      • MsCee

        Well played Tristan, well played indeed. Your ability to masterfully wait until the perfect moment to execute a petty death blow is to be admired.

        • Kat

          #didn’thethough just beautiful…the stuff of legends

        • cakes_and_pies

          Dang near 18 months to deliver that blow. That is some Super Saiyan pettiness.

          • Sweet Potato Kai ?

            ?? that’s our Tris!

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      And we’re off!

    • LehcarB

      Ammo always ready lol

    • DM.

      Well damn

    • Mochasister

      Dang, that’s harsh! But could be true. I remember the article that he wrote offering “advice” to Black women. He wrote so glowingly and highly of his wife. I was surprised to read about their divorce. I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It’s very hurtful.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Not just his wife, his Puerto Rican wife.

      • PinkRose

        One can speak glowingly of a spouse and still divorce their a$$, these are not mutually exclusive concepts, lol!!

        • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

          I have nothing but good things to say about my ex . . . for the most part.

          • Sweet Potato Kai ?

            That’s grown of you. God’s still working on me.

            • Here for the petty!

            • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

              My ex did a few things towards the end (out of anger I believe). While it didn’t work out for us, while we were married she was solidly in my corner. What else could I ask for or expect.

    • Val

      *upvotes now that I know the context of Tristan’s shade*

    • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

      Damn. That’s very unnecessary in light of the article.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        That was the title of Dustin’s article, coming back to bite him

        • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

          Mmmkay.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        He’s quoting the title of a post that the author penned.

      • BT

        Don’t waste the energy.

    • BrothasKeeper

      Cold.

      • miss t-lee

        This really is about to be my new face for disgust.

    • naughtycorner

      This is why I love you … NEVEH fahget

    • NonyaB?

      *Screams in key of ice-cold likkah* Dexterity level of sprinkling of salt-in-wound: Savage. Doubt anyone coulda imagined that penning a controversial article by that title would come back to take a juicy bit outta that azz so soon.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/da1703443a160fbec03b81289dc7f66ebf32aea3b44025ed4136adc39fd25c9d.gif

    • Val

      Lol I think Dustin gave you a downvote.

      • L8Comer

        Can u do that?

        • Val

          Yep. The right downward arrow is a downvote. Tristan has the most upvotes but his comment is third down. That’s how you know he got a dwnvote.

          • L8Comer

            I’ve never seen a count show up on any comment ever so I thought it didn’t work. I’ve def pressed it by accident And the just left it cuz I knew it had no meaning

            • Val

              The dwnvote count doesn;t show up and it’s anonymous. When we had more regulars who were troll-like the dwnvote was used a lot.

              • L8Comer

                Ohh okay thanks Val

              • Quirlygirly

                #BringBackTheDownVote

          • L8Comer

            ooooo

        • Girl, yes! I do it all the time! lol

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      Eek.

    • Other_guy13

      I’m upvoting the petty…nothing more

    • TheVilleintheA

      OUCH!

    • blogdiz

      Tristan’s motto ” when they go low we go lower” LOL

      • miss t-lee

        Straight valley.

        • Blueberry01

          Underground

          • miss t-lee

            LMAO

      • !!!!!!

    • I was mortified yet I hollered. *daps*

    • miss t-lee
      • Sweet Potato Kai ?

        Perfect gif ?

        • miss t-lee

          *curtsies*

    • Dustin John Seibert

      Welp, Damon took out the very line where I addressed that article as it related to porch monkeys like Tristan here. You’ve got a blog to run, yes?

      • Yet I manage to be infinitely more popular on this here blog than you, yes? You’ve been here as long as your marriage and still can’t make the masthead. That’s gotta be humbling.

      • Quirlygirly

        You could have said all that sans the porch monkey portion of your comment

      • Lea Thrace

        is ya d!ck that tiny dude?

      • How unbecoming and pathetic. Take your L like a man and move on.

      • L8Comer

        that was so unnecessary. You had to know someone would have this reaction.

        • Val

          I mean, if he got so heated that he threw that slur like that at Tristan here on VSB, can you imagine what kinds of things he said to his wife?

          • Mochasister

            Good point.

          • L8Comer

            he doesn’t even know Tris personally, so i can’t imagine how ugly things could get in a rlshp. It’s just funny that we who are single should accept that maybe we are wack, but god forbid he consider the thought.

            • Val

              “…we who are single should accept that maybe we are wack, but god forbid he consider the thought.”

              Right.

          • Word! It makes you wonder what he’s said. Yeah, he’s reckless.

          • Dee

            “Can you imagine what kinds of things he said to his wife?”

            Say it, I’m here thinking the same thing. so rude, and to type it so freely.

      • miss t-lee

        Oh, this is classy.

      • siante?

        Gotta learn to laugh at yourself, especially in the company of Black folk or you’ll get eaten alive.

      • How Sway? How!

      • Wild Cougar

        The fuck you say? We need a meetup. So I can personally whop your azz https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a993b75167146eac96874ec791912efb907ff453ad7e8cc7e10e1741c99d9ece.jpg

    • KNeale

      This delivery was everything. Timing. Simplicity. You didn’t have to say anything just threw his words right back. Lol!!!!

    • Ms. Odessa

      No chill in these streets! But I do remember…so…

    • rhymeswithbrucelee

      There was something in this piece that left me feeling like this guy is a tool. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why exactly and didn’t want to comment negatively. I’m happy you took on that burden @ayotristan:disqus

      • NonyaB?

        Probably the flippancy and somewhat refusal to admit being hurt. It’s divorce and these things hurt. Kudos for writing publicly about it but the forced flippancy made it ring hollow in parts.

        • siante?

          I was hopeful he would write with a tad more vulnerability, but you put it perfectly – it’s the “flippancy” that caused the disconnect.

          • NonyaB?

            Yup. And his thin-skinned bullsh*ttery all over the comments shows the accuracy of my point. According to the tone of his post, he shouldn’t have cared enough to reply comments but here we are.

            • siante?

              Exactly, his nonchalance and his “befuddlement” at other divorcees who actually express human emotions & mourn over their exes does not match his current butthurtness at all.

        • Kat

          And the alluding to all the fun and *other* stuff he had last summer. Bru..we all done had one of them summers. You ain’t nothing special.

          If you got a hoe story…just tell it.

          • L8Comer

            lmaooo, word. I love a good thot tale. i don’t think he was ready to write a post divorce piece.

            • Kat

              If you want my attention start off with back when I was “hoeing, out there, freaking, hitting and splitting, running them streets, spraying myself with holy water”…any of those..I be all ears.

              • Wild Cougar

                The whole thing is disingenuous, like all of his writing. The man isn’t in touch with himself and he’s probably too old to change that.

        • Wild Cougar

          Caustic jerks gonna jerk caustically….

          • NonyaB?

            *Screaming*

      • L8Comer

        Tris did that so we didn’t go through that. And I do appreciate it. I can’t imagine the vitriol that maybe have come back at a single, black, woman.

    • siante?

      I can’t ?

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookid

    • Jeffrey N. Nzoma

      Pretty sure he penned that after the divorce…or at least after the relationship had gone south.

    • Life really comes at you fast…

    • G.CHRIS
    • nillalatte

      Tris… smdh… lol

    • Wild Cougar
    • Catfish Jenkins

      Ja Rule voice – We gon clapback we gon clapback….

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      You wrong, Tristan. You right– but you wrong.

    • Elle

      So beautiful.

    • Andre Faulkner
    • SimplePseudonym

      #Tristan2020

      1.5 months into the year and I can already tell that this is going to be the Best VSB Comment of 2017.

      I. Die.

      • 2020? How old you think I am lol

  • MsCee

    I’m so here for this. Welcome back to being single, though I regret to hear of your divorce. I’m not here for the sugar grits shade though FYI.

  • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

    Glad that you have weathered the storm. My first marriage lasted less than 2 years. Over so fast some people made mention of getting their wedding presents back. Happily approaching 10 years on my second marriage, with dreams of growing gray together. Life moves on.

    • Val

      Awww, Kas getting all romantical and ish.

      • L8Comer

        I knew he’d have some sage advice here lol

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        Nah, I didn’t have her sign a pre-nup is all.

        • L8Comer

          Lmaoo

        • Wait. So can some of yawl clue me in to the benefit of no pre-nup? I’m neither vehemently for it or against it, but the gf is like, “for why?” (Mind you it’s just a discussion of the concept between she and I and we’ve only been together since November.)

          • L8Comer

            I don’t think there is any benefit to not doing it. But some people think it’s planning for divorce or gives u an easy out.

            • Ok. I get that. But I’m like, “ain’t no guarantees but death and taxes”. One party could completely flip the script or simply have a hard-bodied change of heart one day. On the flip side, half of swag surfing on and vaguely above lower middle class ain’t much at all.

              • L8Comer

                People do tend to change over time. Hopefully u change for the better. I think it’s important we both protect ourselves so I’d insist on it. For his benefit and mine.

                The flip side is u can say “well U know I’m not marrying u for your money”

                • My (hypothetical) response would be: Um…. What money? LOL

              • Gibbous

                I think it’s important if this is your 2nd (or more) marriage and you have assets that you want to protect, say for your children, when they’re young or even when they’re grown. Can a spouse take a college savings account in a divorce if they’re not his/her kids? Is it considered part of your assetts?

          • I mean there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself… but that’s just me.

            • I believe in that as well. I’m not knocking either position on the issue. I just don’t know of any other argument against pre-nups other than the “it’s planning for divorce”

              • L8Comer

                u need more than one?

                • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

                  SMDH

                  • L8Comer

                    what? sometimes one is enough. if it’s a good one.

                    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

                      I just thought my daughter would be more of a romantic . . . and have the good sense to put her assets in a Cook Islands Trust prior to marriage.

                    • L8Comer

                      but what about the assets i accumulate after marriage? The ones I worked for on my own? U don’t want me moving in and sleeping on the couch for months cuz i got took do u? I guess I got it from my mom, lol.

                • ….. nah

              • I look at it as just in case it comes up.. Like making sure you get traveler’s checks instead of cash.

              • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

                The only argument against is that it means you are admitting that marriage isn’t always forever. You could also take it as meaning a person who insists on one is not fully committed to making the marriage work. If I had been worth millions, when we got married, maybe I would have felt more strongly about it. However, I have always been of the mindset that I can always make more money.

              • BmoreLikeLA

                To me, it’s the same as having car insurance. I don’t plan on needing it, but it’s good to have, JIC

            • Blueberry01

              …especially if you’re coming into the relationship with assets.

    • NonyaB?

      “Over so fast some people made mention of getting their wedding presents back.”

      Lawdt, LOL. I hope you removed them from your friends list and brunch calendar!

      • Like for real! Rude ayus ba$tards!

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        Nah, they only said out loud what I was wondering to myself.

        ETA: it was said in jest long after I had come to grips the divorce.

        • Etheljhein

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !da50c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !da50c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs340WebStationGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!da50c:….,….

          • Islandpiratequeen

            Nobody believes you Ethel.

    • <3 I love it! I am glad that you found happiness again!

    • Dustin John Seibert

      I’m glad you figured things out, Kas. I hope #2 continues going swimmingly for you. Life does move.

    • JennyJazzhands

      I don’t even give wedding gifts until the 2nd anniversary. Mostly because I’m broke and the bridal shower gift should hold you over for a while. Especially for my friends who turn around and get pregnant right after the wedding. Now, I have to get a baby shower gift too.

      • Val

        Girl, bye. I don’t mean any harm but I don’t even bother with the baby shower gift if you get pregnant right after you get married, especially if the wedding was super extravagant. I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding (which was extravagant), then 6 months later, I received an email about planning her baby shower. I slid a $25 gift card right in the mail and kept it moving.

        • JennyJazzhands

          Lol! I finally wised up, like you, and started getting gift cards. My friends be registering for super expensive stuff. All my friends got pregnant right after the wedding. I was spending a lot of money. Then, I was salty because none of them showed up to my birthday. I guess you have to be getting married or having kids to get some love around here.

          • Val

            Aw, man. That stinks! Us single people have stuff to celebrate too! :-)

          • KNeale

            I just replied with a comment with no profanity that went into moderation =(. But NTwayz I’m saying YES girl I feel you. Marriage and kids has expectation of people celebrating with you and buying you gifts. But apparently other things in life are not equally “important”. I’ve experienced this too.

            • JennyJazzhands

              Yes, girl. I’ve been spending a lot more time with my one single friend. They don’t get it.

          • They $uck for that

          • Blueberry01

            “Then, I was salty because none of them showed up to my birthday.”

            Oh h*ll no!

          • Catfish Jenkins

            And you weren’t at their door with a Santa Claus sack to collect the ish you bought them?

      • Mochasister

        Ok, now I don’t feel so bad. My good friend and coworker invited me to her daughter’s wedding. I went and it was lovely. I felt bad because I didn’t bring a gift to the wedding. Now two years later I still haven’t gotten them a gift. But it’s all good. The last time I talked to my coworker her daughter and husband were having trouble and her daughter was staying at home.

        • JennyJazzhands

          I think that’s the reason for the 2 year rule. Plus, technically, you’re still considered newlyweds until the 2nd anniversary.

    • nillalatte

      Me.. one marriage, 14 years. Seriously doubt I will ever marry again. Lifestyle and shyt. lol

  • sorry to hear,

    stop the sugar grits slander tho

    • Nah, sugar grits are of the devil. ;)

    • NonyaB?

      Triple H holding on to key issues, LOL.

      • listen in times like these, where it’s man vs woman, blue vs. red, ignorance vs cynicism,

        i’m just trying to stay with core issues.

        i know my lane, and that is sugar in grits is Lit.Com/awesomenessish

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