What a difference a month makes
As any NFL fan (and most New Yorkers) undoubtedly know, there’s an annual ritual that occurs somewhere between the 3rd and 8th weeks of the NFL season each year. The New York Giants will be struggling, a few anonymous sources from the team will leak quotes to the media about how much the entire team hates head coach Tom Coughlin, and a few prominent beat writers and reporters will pen articles about how the team has tired of Coughlin’s rigid ways and that it’s time to make a change.¹
Seriously, if you were to look up the term “hot seat” in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of a red-faced and exasperated Coughlin in the middle of the same exaggerated head shake/eye roll combo an assistant principal at a high school would make after hearing that the gym locker room toilets were clogged again.
He’s never won (and never will win) coach of the year. Whenever Sports Illustrated or ESPN.com does one of those anonymous player surveys, he’s always the choice as “the coach I’d least like to play for.” He’s not regarded as an evil genius like Bill Belichick, a guru like Jon Gruden, a master motivator/player’s coach like Mike Tomlin or Pete Carroll, or even an “old guy whose best days are behind him but still has something in the tank” like (the extremely overrated) Mike Shanahan. He is actually a stereotypically bad assistant principal — a micro-manager whose obsession with mind-numbing routine and authoritarianism ends up undermining the power he already has².
But, as of Sunday night, Coughlin is the head coach of two Super Bowl champions, a feat matched by few others. A man many wouldn’t consider a great (or even good) NFL coach has twice bested the man thought of as the best football coach of his generation.
Today, the Coughlin narrative is that he’s an underappreciated motivator and technician. The end results (two championships) have justified any means, and 50 years from now, no one will remember that he came within a hair of getting fired every year. All they’ll see is “Tom Coughlin = two-time Super Bowl champion” and they’ll assume that he was a great coach.
Now, there’s an obvious parallel between coaching and parenting (and teaching, even), and I brought up Tom Coughlin’s career because it ties directly into a question I’ve always had about parenting.
What exactly makes a “good” or “great” parent?
This seems like it should be an easy question to answer. A good parent is a selfless individual who loves their children unconditionally, stops at nothing to provide for and protect them, teaches them whatever needs taught, and models good behavior.
But, if the ultimate goal of a parent is to make sure their offspring are productive, capable, and well-adjusted members of society, what’s to make of “good” parents who were, to put it bluntly, failures?
How do you gauge the parental merits of loving, selfless, and upstanding individuals who’ve raised kids who grew up to be liars, deadbeats, thieves, rapists, murders, and Laker fans? Would you consider a parent “good” if they were successful and happy and well-adjusted, but their children were the exact opposite?
Perhaps, like a “good” coach who just wasn’t able to find a way to motivate his team, maybe a good parent with sh*tty offspring has all the proper parental tools but just didn’t apply them properly…making them bad at being a parent
On the flipside, what do you make of people who’ve managed to succeed in spite of what looked to be lackluster and/or deficient parenting? The man who’s managed to become a renowned surgeon despite his overbearing and still hard to please alcoholic father? The woman who never received a single compliment from her ruthless and manipulative mother but ended up being a caring, successful, and well-adjusted lawyer and mom herself? The kid from the projects who, after seeing how heroin tore apart his family, got a PhD. in neuroscience to study addiction and help make sure what happened to his family doesn’t happen to any others?
On the surface, no one would say that any of these people had good parents, but you can’t deny the fact that their relationships with their parents helped motivate and inspire them to become who they are today. Again, if parental merits depend on the offspring you send out into the world, the “sh*tty” parents definitely succeeded. Perhaps these parents, bad as they may have seemed, were only doing what they thought it took to ensure their children’s success as adults.
And, just as you probably won’t hear any Giants complain about Coughlin’s rigidity or out-of-touchness today, you’re probably not going to hear any of the people from the last paragraph complain too much about how they were raised.
If the Giants don’t make the playoffs this year, Coughlin gets fired. Now, though, each of his negative characteristics become pluses through euphemism. (i.e.: “he’s a micro-manager” turns into “he’s steadfastly committed to excellence”)
If these people don’t turn out successful, the drunk dad is an asshole, the manipulative mom is a bitch, and the kid with the addicts in his family just had too much on his plate to overcome. If successful, though, the asshole dad becomes “a guy who believed in tough love,” the bitchy mom is just a “perfectionist who wanted the best for me,” and the kids from the projects reflects on all the sacrifices his people made to help him make it.
I guess I’m trying to say that whether a person is a good parent or not is completely arbitrary, completely variable, and completely dependent on the quality of kid they produce. But, to be honest, I don’t even really believe that. A part of me still thinks that, despite what I’ve tried to prove today, good parenting is like pornography — you can’t really define it, but you know it when you see it.Â
Hmm. I forget which Gladwell book it was (actually, it might have been “Freakonomics.” I really have no idea), but I remember a passage in it that basically stated that the best parenting is done before a kid is even born. The genes you pass on to him and the financial situation he’s born in do waaaaay more to help (or hurt) him succeed than anything you can do as a parent.
If this is true, perhaps coaching and parenting are more intertwined than I thought. As any Giants fan will surely tell you today, “good coach” is just another way of saying “he was lucky enough to have some good ass players.”
¹There’s an article at Slate.com that goes much more in-depth on this “ritual.” I remember reading it there, and I know it’s somewhere in here, but I couldn’t find it yesterday.
²No shots at any assistant principals reading this
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
“I guess I’m trying to say that whether a person is a good parent or not is completely arbitrary, completely variable, and completely dependent on the quality of kid they produce. But, to be honest, I don’t even really believe that. A part of me still thinks that, despite what I’ve tried to prove today, good parenting is like pornography — you can’t really define it, but you know it when you see it.”
Basically.
maybe i should print some “parenting is like porn” t-shirts
I would totally wear that tshirt.
…good parenting is like pornography — you can’t really define it, but you know it when you see it.
I think this is as close as one can get in trying to figure out what makes a good parent. It’s like trying to define what makes a good husband/wife or a good person in general. There are a few basic things that most think should apply but don’t always depending who’s asking and how they would answer themselves.
“There are a few basic things that most think should apply”
like what?
maslow’s hierarchy of needs?
“A good parent is a selfless individual who loves their children unconditionally, stops at nothing to provide for and protect them, teaches them whatever needs taught, and models good behavior.”
This pretty much wraps it up to me. I think a lot of parents are tougher on themselves than they should be. Maybe it’s one of those things where the effort to be all these is the important part, whether or not you feel like you meet the mark everyday.
Maybe it’s one of those things where the effort to be all these is the important part, whether or not you feel like you meet the mark everyday.
but, does your input matter if your output (kids) are sh*tty?
Define sh*tty. And are they just sh*tty kids or are they kids who grew up to be sh*tty adults? What if the parenting just hasn’t kicked in yet? Like “Imitation of Life”.
“but, does your input matter if your output (kids) are sh*tty?”
I think it does. It obviously not the favorable outcome, but it’s not like it doesn’t happen. I have seen situations in which parents have literally done everything right (well, seemingly… because from the outside looking in, you really never can tell for real though) and the kid is just a screw-up. That’s why sometimes, if you have 5 kids that all received the same (good) parenting, chance maybe that with one of them something just didn’t work out. While this is probably less the case with someone who received “good parenting,” it’s not like it doesn’t happen.
Honestly, the thing I think most parents, and people in general, don’t think about is the impact a child’s *friends* have on them, especially in their teens. Peer pressure is such a crazy social obstacle that can derail a child that most would consider “on the right track” because kids with weaker/less dominant personalities crave acceptance so badly during this time.
Parents should be hard on themselves. Many of them suck. They suck because as an individual, they refuse to grasp the concept of bettering themselves first. Exactly how do you raise a child with the assumption that you will give the child everything you never had, IF, when given the right tools, you refuse to adapt your logic and maturity with your own growing pains?
They say there is no real guide to raising kids. I believe that. There is no real guide to becoming a better person, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try. Kids are a blank slate, and eventually see through their parent’s BS, so if you can’t keep it real with yourself, your kids will see through you and realize how sucky your parenting skills were.
At least that’s my story and the same of many other people I’ve known.
Lol@or a Laker fan
From what I’ve seen parenting a child is a crap shoot. I’ve seen great parents produce awful kids who turned into awful adults and I’ve seen terrible parents produce great kids who turn out to be successful happy adults.
right?? that killed me too.
#shotsfired
From what I’ve seen parenting a child is a crap shoot
so there’s no such thing as a good or bad parent, then?
Absolutly there are good and bad parents. My point though is that being a good parent does not necessarily equate to producing good kids and vice versa.
True. You could have everything you need to raise a kid properly and they’d still turn out into a d-bag depending on other circumstances.
I’ve seen great parents produce awful kids who turned into awful adults and I’ve seen terrible parents produce great kids who turn out to be successful happy adults.
Agree. Also kids in the same family where some turn out good and others turn out bad. My parents sacrificed so much for me that there’s no way that I would ever act up growing up.
That’s true about kids from the same parents turning out very different.
Wow what a great article. Thanks champ. As a parent, this is something i contemplate frequently. I just do the best that i can, take it one day at a time, & try not to mess up too badly this little person whom i am entrusted with. Its an emotional rollercoaster. At times he’ll have me swelling with pride. Other times, hanging my head. Sometimes all in the same day lol. Idk what makes a good parent, i just hope MY son thinks i was. Only time will tell….
+1
“Idk what makes a good parent, i just hope MY son thinks i was.”
what’s more important to you: him thinking you were a good parent, or him being happy and successful?
I mean, i hope both of course. But now i realize they are not mutually exclusive.
I really can’t say I judge parents on the way their offspring turn out. Abusive parents of a neurosurgeon (which is what I’m going to school for, yay me) don’t suddenly get a “pass” because their child ended up being successful. You can spin it however you want, call it “tough love” or whatever helps you feel better at night. Abuse is still abuse. You’re still a bad parent. You’re just lucky that your child used empathy to fuel his/her motivation instead of anger.
I think a good parent is someone who takes responsibility for the way their child behaves and doesn’t try to look for scapegoats (like blaming rap for making your daughter a h*e, Grand Theft Auto making your son a killer, etc). If you do have the typical good parent qualities and your child still turns out bad. Then, you weren’t good enough. Unless your child is a socio/psychopath, or Lil B, there’s no reason why you can’t find SOMETHING you have in common and build upon it. If you couldn’t find anything, it’s because you didn’t try hard enough.
I really can’t say I judge parents on the way their offspring turn out.
isnt that the most important thing, though?
this is a really good post. i don’t really have much to add but i do think that parenting is judged on how much they actively and cognitively do to ensure their child’s success, and actually succeed at it.
there are many gray areas though. my mom… love her to life… but she’s horrible in some areas many would deem a great hindrance (and actually has been) but she instilled a huge amount of self-respect, esteem and worthiness and belief that i could be and do anything i wanted, which is evident in all her children and i appreciate it more the older i get. so, i think those parents that fit into these categories are not all bad, not all good… but just parents. lol
i do think that parenting is judged on how much they actively and cognitively do to ensure their child’s success, and actually succeed at it.
i see what you mean, but how would you rate a parent who did those things and still had a kid who turned out pretty badly?
well, that’s why i said actually succeed at it.
i honestly think it’s rare that a parent can do the “right” things fundamentally, like instilling core values, morals, self-worth, etc, and produce a complete loser.
ensuring career/financial success doesn’t mean you’re a good parent. there are a lot of horrible people who ended up on successful career paths because of their parents. are they better parents than the people who raise a person who is a bank teller her whole life but donates half her check to charity and volunteers and makes life better for those in hers?
measuring success is a tricky thing to me. it’s definitely more than financial. so i’d say the parents that failed at raising a well-rounded GOOD human being, pretty much failed.
Muze, i’m with you.
My dad is a drug addict, but me and my sister turned out great. We ain’t have alot of money, but my parents covered the basics. More than anything, they gave us a solid moral/spiritual foundation, taught us to be considerate, instilled in us a work ethic, and made sure that we knew that goals were always within reach.
Except that one time when i wanted to build a jet pack in 6th grade.
I can just just sum this all up by say that life is funny! Its like you win some and you loss sum! That what I think about parenting! There no define line !
life sure is funny. until it isn’t funny anymore, lol
Good parent – I’ll say Archie Manning, for having 2 champs: Pyton and *Nicki Minaj voice* MANNING, ELI!
*does the ‘Giants won the Super Bowl’ tootsee roll*
That Roman’s Revenge gets me going every time.
There’s an ex-NBA player named Rick Barry who’s generally regarded by everyone as a giant prick. But, each of his five sons made it to the NBA as well.
“Outliers” is the Malcolm Gladwell book you were referring to.
thanks
Outliers is a great book but I think you were referencing Freakonomics there where they found that parents who purchase 50-11 parenting books did so for no tangible reason as, like you stated, parenting techniques are already decided upon. I believe the point was it won’t make you a better parent but if you are the type of person to purchase a parenting book and care to be enlightened on how Baby Mozart can stimulate your child’s mind that you are probably a good parent anyway. I am not a parent so I can only speak to my own relationship as a child with my parents and I believe involvement is everything. Lots of parents do the minimum and think they are doing the most and then sit back and assume their kids caught all the lessons they need for preparation in adulthood. Not!
Aside: Tom Coughlin inho is an awesome coach. I have always thought so. His style of coaching may be too rough for some players and I think I recall in the beginning of his career with the G-men that they had a meeting with him to tell him he was kicking too much ass and taking too many names. But all in all I think he’s a great coach, never more demonstrated then in the way he (up until fairly recently) throws his challenge flag in an exceptional way. When he started losing challenges recently I was truly shocked. Compare that to say an Andy Reid, who sits on the sideline chewing on the rest of the cheese steak he’s got stored in his jowls with the challenge flag in his pocket and you’ll smell what I’m stepping in.
Anywho…. Go Giants!!! ♪♫ We gotta ring… we gotta ring!