What Are Those??? The Sad, Sorry, And Satisfying Slate Of Trump’s Inauguration Performers » VSB

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What Are Those??? The Sad, Sorry, And Satisfying Slate Of Trump’s Inauguration Performers

Jackie Evancho performs the national anthem as Vice President Mike Pence and President Donald Trump watch on Jan. 20, 2017, in Washington, D.C. (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

 

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Jackie Evancho. The Reagan Years. Pete Carol and the Blues. Yosemite Street Theater. Y’all these are the “big” names of people performing at President-elect Trump’s upcoming inauguration festivities on January 20th. Those last two I made up because that’s precisely what this random ass list of performers sounds like. On what is arguably the most revered stage in our country will be wedding cover bands and a marginally known reality show singer. Oh, and the headlining superstars, the Radio City Rockettes, are joining them. But even they don’t want anything to do with this fuckery of a nationally televised drunken karaoke session/dancery/dance soiree.

Y’all how did we get here? Also where is Deborah Cox right now? Who shot John and forgot to kill him? I have so many questions. And of all the reasons why I’m pissed at the incoming presidential administration, this may be the biggest. Neo-Nazis? YAWN. Trickle-down economics? Been there done that. A vengeful, petulant man-child with the ability to leave his renewable supply of Cheeto dust on the nuclear codes because he is a literal chip? A fragile, substance-deficient chip? Meh.

No y’all, the real tragedy is that we are doomed to four to eight years of white bread and mayo culture in the White House. Not even the siracha mayo that costs $8 that you decide to buy anyway because you started getting a good government paycheck with benefits. I may know someone who did that. That someone may be me. But no. After eight years of free rounds at the Whole Foods buffet, we’re being force fed “dressing,” the bootleg kind of mayo that minuswell just be replaced with a raw egg and sugar because it’s on that level of repulsive.

But on the other hand, with all the baskets of deplorableness it’s given us, 2016 has bestowed us with a gift at the 9th hour. For a man who derives his life force from adulation and acceptance, Donald Trump is feeling the sting of rejection and embarrassment for all the world to see. He thought he could insult half of the country and we was just gonna dap him up after and be like “it’s all good fam, we cool.” Unless you’re Kanye.

Trump spent years calling people of color racists and criminals. He insulted liberation movements and liberals, everyone on the coasts, me, you, your momma, and your cousin too. And he somehow forgot that most of these mofos come from groups that made American popular culture. Naw bruh, you don’t get to talk shit about the only people that liberated America from dancing in kilts and blowing on bagpipes for perpetuity and then expect them to happily perform for you. Unless you’re Kanye.

From the Rolodex of celebrity friends Donald Trump thought he had, not eem one could help him save face? You know he’s probably saving 2017 “New Year, New Me” memes in his revenge folder on the hard drive. He got subtweets stashed away for Tom Brady and ‘nem that he’s gonna whip out all year.

“If you can’t love me at my January 20th, you don’t deserve me on my State of the Union”

“The Mixx are my one true friends, America. Check out their EP. Lank in the bio”

To make matters worse, or actually, more delectable, in true millennial fashion there is an alternate benefit concert with actual celebrities on the same day as Trump’s inauguration with the slogan “Love Trumps Hate.” If 2017-2020 brings us no other joy but petty celebrity subevents in this Trumpocalypse, I’ll be here for it. Oh Trump is having a press conference? Get Diddy to have a press conference outside Trump Tower, and him and Mary would just diddy bop for an hour. He’s signing a bill into law? Madonna and Katy Perry can get on CNN and hold up a paper that says “sign deez.” But then they’ll also pass out petitions. Because that’s pretty much the only way millennials know how to protest.

So fret not my friends. Enjoy these next four years of Trump likely self-imploding and begging to get back in Hollywood’s good favor. It’s one of the few rewards we can muster in this prison sentence of Miracle Whip and white bread sandwiches.

Malaika Jabali

Malaika Jabali is an attorney, writer, and activist with a J.D. and M.S. from Columbia University. When she's not getting a superfluous amount of degrees, she is defending A.I.'s practice rant, knucking if you bucking, and reviewing the meme calendar to ensure its accuracy. You can follow her on the twitter at @MalaikaJabali.

  • lurknlearn

    I like how you used/made up the word minuswell.” Intentional? It should be a word!

    • Malaika Jabali

      gotta thank Luvvie Ajayi for that one lol

      • Mary Burrell

        Luvvie is very clever.

        • L8Comer

          Her use of vernacular is so great

          • Mary Burrell

            I love her blog.

    • KTLXS

      Please be aware…to some people “minuswell” or the one I prefer “myleswell” are actual words acceptable for use in college papers. #iseentit

  • Trumpacolypse Day 52: As Toupee Fiasco plans for inauguration, he finds himself in a strange place. 63 million supporters, not a friend in the world. Only person who seems to be unashamed to be seen with him is his daughter who is also his first lady because his own wife doesn’t want to be with him. The Decepticons are fickle creatures, they are the Angela Yee to Trump’s Gucci Mane. Trump who has built a brand on being lavish and extravagant, his Inauguration will be the blandest thing ever. It’s a high school assembly, pillow princesses, The OA, Mike and Mike in the morning, coconut water, J Cole albums and RC Cola wrapped into one. I actually feel worst for Obama who has to attend, he’s been throwing the most turnt parties in DC the past year and is forced to attend the worst. He rather be at a security briefing, or a press conference….speaking of, is Trump ever going to do any of those things? Ess em ayche. Happy New Year people

    • The Pengest BK

      I like coconut water.

      • MsSula

        I was about to say. Stop the coconut water slender. We need get you some from a fresh and young coconut. Might could change your life.

        • Euphemism?

          • MsSula

            That could be what she said. Loll.

      • Blackberry02

        Me too. But, it has to be fresh from the coconut – not that mess from the can.

    • siante

      Yeah, the White House saw some lit performances these past 8 years. I’ll be watching just for the look on Obama’s face. At the very least this inauguration will provide some good memes.

      • Look man, I hope he has imessage Pool or something

        • siante

          I don’t know if that will help, I have a feeling it’s gonna be like being in a black church with
          you’re grandmother when you’re like 5 & painfully bored & hungry & you
          can’t do a thing about it.

      • SororSalsa

        Have you seen the video from the BET party where everyone in the crowd is swag surfing? In the White House? There is probably never going to be another event there that was as lit as that one.

    • wanderlust

      The J Cole slander tho??

    • HouseOfBonnets
      • God he is fugly!

        • cyanic

          Face tattoo ruined any hope of seeing past the ugly.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Look when he popped out with that video clip in that black fur……. The hoodrat in me was down lol

        • Blackberry02

          I think he looks better slimmed down.

        • SororSalsa

          Lean Gucci is fugly. This Gucci is….meh.

        • B-Dot Willz

          That being said, this is the best Gucci Mane has looked in years!!

      • I needed this gif…..preciate ya

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Anytime lol

    • Janelle Doe

      I feel for POTUS. Maybe he and Chapelle can throw a remedy block party on 21st or 22nd since it might be off colour for him to fly to Florida after he passes the baton (so to speak)

  • That pic of elf Trump is creepy af {shudders}. On a serious note though, I don’t get people chomping at the bits for Trump to self- implode considering that the average person will be the one to reap the consequences.

  • Giantstepp

    Seeing Trump rejected in such a pubic way makes me smile and chuckle and gives me great satisfaction. He will never admit it, but he has to be PISSED that his inauguration can’t secure any decent talent to perform. And then I remember that he’s in office as President after the party and we are all doomed.

    Sigh

    • Trump is a rich man who is used to people pretending to like him, this is killing him. Good.

      • Mochasister

        I so do not feel sorry for him. No better for him.

      • “M”

        He’s not as rich as Putin – or anybody else in his cabinet.

        Otherwise why would he have CHARGED at his NYE party to clear $500K?

        There’s more than one reason he didn’t show those tax returns. He mismanaged his estate and buildings to the point where no Western lender would touch him – which is why he’s indebted *cough* to Russia (and possibly China) in the first place

        independent.co.uk/news/world/the-real-donald-trump-a-bully-fraud-and-incompetent-who-has-wrecked-countless-lives-a7384421.html

  • Just like I discovered there were a lot of closet Trump supporters in my outer circle, I am sure there are tons of “big artist” who supported Trump. However, like the whitelash was real, the backlash for performing at Trump’s inauguration will be swift and cost green.

    • Apparently everyone who supported him was racist or uneducated…at this point it’s over man, you aint gotta lie to kick it

      • Na’ll you must’ve missed my Thanksgiving post. Real life Black, educated, middle class closet Trump supporters. At least 10 at the Friendsgiving. Trust me, they ain’t all out of the closet.

        • I can believe black trump supporters aint scared…it’s Bob in marketing I don’t trust

        • Kylroy

          10? How many people were at the event total?

          • There were at least 20 adults. More if you count the kids.

            • Kylroy

              That…just…what…

              I mean, I realize there are nonwhite Trump supporters, but the idea that they could comprise half the attendees at an event not *specifically* made for that purpose blows my mind.

              • LMNOP

                I’d guess a cluster of Trump supporters in a friends and family group would be pretty normal though, it’s not like it was a random sample.

  • Glad to see I’m not the only one enjoying this debacle

  • Mr. Mooggyy

    Not one marching band, recorder, cowbell or kazoo from DC is participating in the inauguration parade! Not ney one! Suck to be him! Poor Trumplestilskin!

    • Mary

      Oh no, honey! DC don’t play nice with bigots! The commemoration farecard will not have his photo on it because his people didn’t respond to Metro’s photo request in time. Wink, wink.

      • L8Comer

        that’s a relief lol

  • Other_guy13

    I’m just waiting on his impeachment and criminal charges. 4 years my @ss.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      It’s quite possible. However, that will require some folks in congress to have a backbone! Not too sure who does at this point!

      • Other_guy13

        Well the FBI just confirmed the obvious and gave details as did the CIA. They have brought down Presidents with way less than Trump has provided.

      • The Pengest BK

        These congressmen got spines like Tony Romo.

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          And that’s scary!

        • Other_guy13

          LOL

        • At this point, Rand Paul and John McCain might be the only thing keeping the world safe. They don’t seem to be 100% with the ish.

          • Kylroy

            I think McCain extra-hates Trump. He looks at Cheeto Benito and sees the kind of entitled twerp he would have been if he hadn’t enlisted and suffered in Vietnam. The fact that Trump got the presidency and McCain didn’t just supercharges his contempt.

            • Also, McCain has a basic respect of tradition and order developed from being a 4th generation Navy guy. Trump is everything he’s never messed with.

    • I waited for the party to unify behind Cruz or Rubio and drive him out the race. I waited for him to lose the election. I waited for the electorate to reject it. At this point the muhfugga gonna get 2 terms

      • Other_guy13

        I have no faith in the party. The intelligence community may force them to act.

        • The Russians got dirt on the RNC they never revealed…that alone is a matter of national security

          • Other_guy13

            Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. The key in that is “giving them Aid and Comfort” which the Trump administration have done so. By trying to undermine and de-legitimatize the intelligence community and not push for an investigation. They are doing JUST that. I don’t see them taking that lying down.

    • Yeah, he will be impeached. Probably right after the 2018 mid elections. But a Pence presidency isn’t better. If Trump is Darth Vader, Pence is death.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        Pence just dresses better! You can polish a turd but it’s still shyt!

        • Pence is awful but Im confident he actually knows how to do the job. Trump is a buffoon.

          • I hate to admit it, but Pence and Steve will run the White house while Trump continues his Thank you tour well into 2017.

            • Janelle Doe

              Into 2020 if he gets there… don’t forget ivanka (to round out the running things troupe)

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            The folks in Mike Pence’s temporary DC neighborhood are savages though! (as savage as middle-upper class YT folk can be)! They lined the streets with rainbow flags and pro-choice posters!

          • LMNOP

            I don’t know which is worse. Competence + evil can be pretty dangerous. But so can incompetence + evil.

            • Incompetence can get us in a war

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                I mean Obama might spark something when he cleared out the Russian embassies yesterday

                • I feel like Obama just left the trap there just to see what happens when and if Trump walks into it.

      • Other_guy13

        I agree, but to say that Pence or Paul Ryan weren’t aware of Trumps treasonous actions is ludicrous. Should this be a bigger plan to turn on Trump (likely but improbable) they open themselves to investigation. In a bid to attack Hillary so hard for so little they have opened a Pandora’s box of investigation that puts them dead square in the middle. If democrats get it together (possible) and actually take control mid term….it’s a wrap for those three.

      • GailyTheyRing,WhilePeopleSing

        That is why I think Pence has been silent. He knows the shall be handed the presidency.

  • chilly2
    • Marceline

      This reminds me of that horrible old Richard Pryor/Gene Wilder movie “See No Evil, Hear No Evil.”

    • The Pengest BK

      This is…….I haven’t been able to process any of this since November. This is really happening.

    • Kylroy

      It’s the Russian flag that really sells it. How old is this picture?

    • cyanic

      A future murderer standing next to an established murderer.

  • wanderlust

    I love Miracle Whip on white bread. with some salami, mustard, and cheese… Brings back childhood memories.

    • The Pengest BK

      Bologna with the edges fried for me, please.

      • Other_guy13

        For some reason that made my stomach hurt

        • The Pengest BK

          Those are hunger pangs!

          • Other_guy13

            Bologna is unnatural

            • Tasha Lawrence?

              So is ever other food.

              • The Pengest BK

                What’re ya gonna do? *shrug*

            • Val

              Fed.

              • Other_guy13

                It’s nasty

      • Tasha Lawrence?

        I don’t like fried bologna

        • Kylroy

          I like it better than regular bologna. But it’s a “shot or poisoned?” kind of question.

      • Val

        I like my fried bologna burnt to a crisp.

    • Kylroy

      That doesn’t sound bad to me, but it’s no more a “mayo sandwich” than a traditional Pastrami on Rye is a “mustard sandwich”.

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