Featured, Race & Politics

Want To “Make America Great Again!” But Don’t Know How? Easy. Legalize White Slavery

“Make America Great Again!” has been an unquestionably effective, shrewd, and admittedly genius campaign strategy for Donald Trump. Sequencing those four words in that order is a brilliantly succinct way of communicating two separate and equally powerful messages:

1. America was once great, is no longer great, but can be great again

2. America was once great, is no longer great, but can be great again if you elect me

Again, genius! It tugs at an affinity for nostalgia — a feeling both emotionally resonate and completely unreliable (nothing lies as much as nostalgia does) — while also placing an implicit blame for America’s current lack of greatness on progress. And by “progress” I mean “incremental progresses made by minorities, women, gays and anyone who’s not a straight White Christian male.” Basically, “America is no longer great because you Blacks and bitches ruined everything.”

It also, smartly, establishes its own narrative for America’s present. It doesn’t matter that, by most objective measures, America is still the most powerful country in the world. America used to be the best, but now it’s wack. Basically, America is New York City basketball.

Of course, not everyone who believes Trump’s message is aware of its racial implications. For some — specifically working class Whites — it is truly about a return to the days of “Leave it to Beaver,” where everyone had a job, everyone had a status, and everyone had a place. A purpose. But, as Slate’s Ben Mathis-Lilley articulates, that great society was made possible because of discrimination, not in spite of it. Whites had so much free stuff because we had none of it, so there was more to go around.

Of course, this is not news to many Black Americans. We’re very aware of how discrimination shifted the scales, drastically and permanently. (If fact, the scales weren’t just shifted. They’ve never been unshifted. That’s the default settling. The only point of their existence is to be unshifted.) We know how racism has affected everything from accumulation of wealth to degree of physical health. We’ve learned how America’s status as the richest country in the history of the world is largely due to the centuries of free labor it received. Again, these are not new or foreign concepts to us.

But, again, it is to many of them. Which means we’re at a bit of an impasse. They want America to be great again, to go back to how things were 60 years ago, and we’re like “Nah. We’re good.”

Alas, I have a solution. One that ensures that people will be able to buy homes and clear debt and hold jobs and accumulate wealth the same way so many White Americans were able to in the 40s, 50s, and 60s, but also ensures that Blacks and other minorities won’t be America’s mules.

Legalize White Slavery.

This is the cure-all, the remedy, the antidote. This is the vaccine that’ll make America great again; the Robitussin that’ll stop our sniffles. Imagine how amazing our median wealth would be with 200 million slaves. Think of all the bridges built, roads repaired, and fields hoed if this happened. Dream of all the things we’d be able to do as a country with the biggest slave population in the history of mankind.

And, the beauty of it all is that those truly committed to making America great again — those who truly believe that things were so much better back in the day — would volunteer to do this. Well, maybe not would. But they should. Sure, maybe this “better” America wouldn’t actually benefit them, but it would return things to how they were, which is the goal. “Leave it to Beaver” is the point, right? Should it matter if Eddie Haskell is Elijah? Or Eduardo?

Seriously — and this is real — if Trump put his money where his mouth is and volunteered his entire family for indentured servitude for a century or two, he’d get my vote. He wouldn’t be President, of course, because slaves can’t be President. But he’d be my President in spirit.

Let’s make this happen, America. Let’s all go and be as great as we never actually were even though we’re actually the greatest we’ve ever been right now!

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • When I see the term “White Slavery” I don’t think of Enslaved people of European ancestry, but the term meaning
    *chexual* Slavery/ forced prostitution.

    • Can you imagine a Kardashian after picking cotton all day? I think I’ll pass.

      • Epsilonicus

        Prolly smell funky.

        • It’s taking all my energy not to say something extremely racist so I will refrain. Let’s just say I agree.

          • Let it go. This is a safe space.

            • Ya’ll ain’t getting me. What if I decide to run against Kanye in 2020?

      • Val

        So would Kanye be the overseer or would he be trying to free them? QTNA

        • Clarence Thomas would lead the new Black Quaker uprising. They would all be wearing Yeezy 2s.

          • Epsilonicus

            Yeezy 2s dont make good getaway shoes

            • White people ain’t running no where. They escaping when the bus gets there.

          • Brass Tacks

            Hey! Don’t put Clarence, or anyone with his brand of..whatever, anywhere near Yeezy’s. This includes all versions of the Boosts.

        • Robbinesque

          Looks like he’s overseeing them pretty good as it is. Momma J done moved out her house for that ninja…

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Free them for sure. You know that’s an Uncle Ruckus/Samuel L. Jackson in Django.

        • Mayborn7

          You ain’t right.

  • Courtney Wheeler
  • Epsilonicus

    So where can I get one of these?

    • cakes_and_pies

      The Apple Store
      Whole Foods
      Farmer’s market selling kale chips for $20 a bag
      A Trump rally (I heard those spoil fast, leave them be)
      NASCAR game
      A Nicholas Sparks books signing

      • Ess Tee

        The Apple store mention forever reminds me of this Greatest Moments in White History:

        https://vine.co/v/huHUPLnx1dg

        • Epsilonicus

          She is doing the most.

        • Quirlygirly

          Security..Security

          Please escort her out of the store

          Thank you!

          • Mochasister

            Funny how no one felt “threatened” by this woman screaming like some banshee.

        • cakes_and_pies

          This is exactly who I thought of.

        • miss t-lee

          I randomly quote this when I see white women upset.

          • Courtney Wheeler

            The Vine reminded me of this special gem..the “Let Me Speak To Your Manager Starter Pack”
            http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/azLK8Lb_700b.jpg

            • miss t-lee

              LMFAO!
              Basically.

          • Quirlygirly

            Hilarious!!!

            The first time I watched it I was like this lady is cray cray but the more I watch it the funnier it gets and the last slap on the stroller is like an exclamation point.

            • miss t-lee

              Yup.
              She wanted you to feel her “pain” about not being able to pick up her part in store, by Gawd!

              • Quirlygirly

                And she demanded satisfaction!!

                • miss t-lee

                  LMAO
                  Exactly!

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Why have I never seen this?..this is incredible

          • miss t-lee

            The last slap on the stroller really brings it home.

            • sHA

              THE STROLLER SLAP. She totally means business with that last one. Are you kidding me right now lady? I’m at work and you come in here hollerin’ like a fool.

              • miss t-lee

                The lady dealing with her had the patience of Job, I promise.

        • Robbinesque

          New rule = DO NOT read VSB at work.
          (Because I will laugh too loudly for the 2520s around me).
          And you forgot “Your local yoga studio”, it’s their natural habit.

        • Check out dude in the background with the backpack on the left #LOLFOH

        • Something about this video, reminds me of the Patrice Oneal skit on black and white news coverage:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBfg1t7ZnpQ

        • MysteryMeat

          I wasnt ready

  • Ess Tee

    1. How long before some humorless white person jumps into these here comments?
    2. “Basically, “America is no longer great because you Blacks and b i t c h e s ruined everything.””– I feel like this is erasure. What if we’re both Black *and* a b i t c h? Intersectionality, bruh.

    • Epsilonicus

      “2. “Basically, “America is no longer great because you Blacks and b i t c h e s ruined everything.””– I feel like this is erasure. What if we’re both Black *and* a b i t c h? Intersectionality, bruh.”

      I don’t think racist white folks understand that concept. lol

    • Lamont Cranston III

      Here, I’ll help you Ess Tee….It won’t work for the same reason, black slavery wouldn’t work again…Throughout history, slavery was inefficient and expensive…any black that believes a law can be passed forcing them back into slavery is being ridiculous….

      Did you know the Romans had steam power, but instead of harnessing it to move mountains, they used it for things like opening temple doors to help create the illusion that a god had entered the room…they needed slavery to keep the empire going…the US doesn’t need that anymore…they have useful idiots willing to help instead…

      • Lara

        True. Most people have enough trouble taking care of themselves, let alone being responsible for others. It’s better just to pay people for their labor and have them go home at the end of the day.

  • Lauron Thomas

    damn. I kinda want you to do a follow up piece with all the teary a/o hateful responses.

    • Candace Driver

      I second this.

  • Val

    Lol This post is troll bait.

    • They is a comin’.

      • *looks at the cloud of dust on the horizon.

        • brothaskeeper

          Y’all see anything yet?

      • (Breaks out umberellus for impending sh i t storm)

    • miss t-lee

      Yup.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      I was waiting for it…not just the troll, but the ‘well-meaning’ offended, ‘reverse-racism’ accuser who will clutch there pearls, and then go one to ask us why we just won’t let the past be the past and make everything about race.

  • White people are way too lazy for slavery. The country would crumble.

    • sHA

      Shhh Shhhh

    • Aye Bee

      Yep

      • couldn’t remember the quote. couldn’t find the meme. well done, lol

      • BigGaySteve

        If you recall even Louis Farrakhan agrees that Jews owned the slave boats and ran the auctions.

        • peepsqueek

          February 2006, BBC, Church apologizes for slave trade

          The Church of England has voted to apologize to the descendants of victims of the slave trade.

          An amendment “recognizing the damage done” to those enslaved was backed overwhelmingly by the General Synod.

          Debating the motion, Rev Simon Bessant, from Pleckgate, Blackburn, described the Church’s involvement in the trade, saying: “We were at the heart of it.”

        • peepsqueek

          Louis Farrakhan is a BS artist. I remember when AIDS was a predominant virus in the gay community, Farrakhan said that it was God’s will, but when it became an epidemic in the Black Community, he said that it was invented by the Jews (how convenient!).

      • peepsqueek

        The went to Africa because that is where they have been selling slaves for many centuries.

        Akosua Perbi
        ?Professor of History?
        University of Ghana ?
        Before the white man, North Africa slavery was practiced in the Sahara desert and its southern border lands, as well as in the region of modern western Sahara, Morocco and Algeria among the Berbers. In the Central Sahara and in the sub desert areas further south, the Tuaregs practiced slavery. In North East Africa, the Ethiopians, Somalis, Egyptians and the people of the Sudan were all familiar with the institution of slavery. In West Africa slavery was known among many of the states and societies. For example among the Wolof and Serer of Senegambia, the Mende and Temne of Sierra Leone, the Vai of Liberia and Sierra Leone, and virtually all the states and societies in Guinea, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Dahomey, Mali, Nigeria etc. In Central Africa slavery was practiced in much of Bantu Africa for example among the Duala of Cameroon; the Bakongo, Bapende Luba and Lunda of Zaire ( now the Democratic Republic of the Congo), Congo and part of Angola, and the Lozi of Zambia. In East Africa the Buganda state, the Nyamwezi and the Chagga peoples practiced slavery. Along the coast, the Mrima Arabs, Omani Arabs and the Sawahilis practiced slavery.In Southern Africa the Cokwe of Angola, the Sena of Mozambique and the Ngoni people scattered across East, Central and Southern Africa were all familiar with the institution of slavery.

        Akosua Perbi is Associate Professor of History University of Ghana, Legon. She has served five terms as Head of Department of History between 1992 and 2006. She holds a doctorate in History from University of Ghana, Legon, and is an expert in indigenous slavery in Africa and women in African history.

        Prof. Perbi is a life member of the African Studies Association based in Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey, U.S.A.; Fontes Historiae Africana Project of the International Union of Academics, based in Vienna, Austria; University Teachers Association of Ghana, and Historical Society of Ghana.

        • Kourtney Smart

          Yes the invasion of the Persians and later Arabs introduced a number of horrible traditions.

          • peepsqueek

            16 years ago, I met some escaped slaves from the Sudan while I was on the East Coast of Kenya. They told us some horrific stories of African slavery that still goes in Arab Countries. The Sudan is tribal Africa, yet it is called an Arab Nation, belongs to the League of Arab Nations, and have to live under some kind of Islamic Sharia. Up until a few years ago, Libya was the drop off point for of Sub Saharan Africans for forced labor and sexual exploitation was the drop off point These slaves Sudanese and were held up in a Catholic run refugee house.

            2.7 million tribal Sudanese Africans were displaced by the Muslim Central Government during the conflict, by Government backed Janjaweed raiders. You will find hundreds of international news articles to support this.

            • Kourtney Smart

              Exactly. No one says anything about Arabs attempting to ethnically cleanse Sudan. Like you said it continues to this day.

              When people say Africans sold Africans into slavery they neglect to mention that Arabs were mainly behind the practice, selling those who did not convert to Islam and even many converted enslaved people.

              • peepsqueek

                Arabs were actively a part of it, but it was mostly Africans selling other Africans, some were human excess, some from enemy tribes, and later, some Africans were driven to this only by the unprecedented profits offered by greedy Europeans. For many African-Americans, these facts can be difficult to accept. But the sad truth is that the conquest and capture of Africans and their sale to Europeans was one of the main sources of foreign exchange for several African kingdoms for a very long time.

                I asked a Giriama tribesman, on the East coast of Kenya what he meant by “human excess”, and he said you have human excess in the US, who end up homeless, in prison, or career criminals. We also hired a cab driver named Muhammad Ali to take us around the area and we went by a prison which was a fenced in working farm, where there were people who committed petty crimes like selling things without a license. They all looked very healthy, but it was slave labor in a more acceptable way.

                • Kourtney Smart

                  How do you sell a person without speaking the same language? What could Europeans offer Africans as currency? There is no proof of chattel slavery among Africans. It only appears with the invasion of the Persians and later Arabs and Greeks and Romans.

                  Which African Kingdoms have records of aboriginal Africans selling people? Arabic along with Hebrew Latin and Greek were trade languages between North African Arabs and Mediterranean Europeans

                  Most of the places where blacks in America have genetic ties to do not have Arabic established as an official language yet all the Arabic speaking countries in Africa have the same caste sytem in place with a remarkably large Arabic/Beber populations with the aboriginal black populations relatively low in numbers or displaced to the South of their home lands. The lands lands that have Spanish and French and Portuguese among their main languages are farther south and closer to South America and Many Africans slaves of Arabs were employed as human traffickers. The vast majority of Blacks in America speak Portuguese, then Spanish, Creole English, English and French. Many of the slaves are recorded as speaking Arabic and being Muslim which was not the language or religion of West African people.

                  These European slavers traded with Arabs who tasked their African slaves to capture other aboriginal people hence the myth of Africans selling their own people. Context is vital.

                  • peepsqueek

                    Keep in mind that there are over 2,000 ethnic groups on the continent of African continent, with 2,000 distinct languages.

                    The scope of African involvement in the slave trade is not historical guesswork. Thanks to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade Database, directed by historian David Eltis of Emory University, we now know the ports from which more than 450,000 of our African ancestors were shipped out to what is now the United States. About 16 percent of United States slaves came from eastern Nigeria; 24 percent came from the Congo and Angola.

                    Through the work of Dr. John Thornton and Dr. Linda Heywood of Boston University, we also know that the victims of the slave trade were predominantly members of as few as 50 ethnic groups. This data, along with the tracing of blacks’ ancestry through DNA tests, is giving us a fuller understanding of the identities of both the victims and the facilitators of the African slave trade.

                    • Kourtney Smart

                      African slaves of Arabs did the capturing it’s not guess work.

                      Look at the places that border Nigeria, they weren’t taken from the coast but trafficked by African slaves working as trappers of human capital under the eye of Arabic overseers.

                      Many of the places they were stolen from were never established as Arab strong holds and they sold some Africans that were slaves and converts of Islam. If they sold their own slaves who would do the work they didn’t want to do? Simple answer kidnap others and sell them. There is no history of chattel slavery among groups who were not contacted by Eurasians Persians or Arabs.

                      DNA testing goes back maybe 150 years at best and when you test between different companies the results vary wildly. It is not an exact science.

                    • peepsqueek

                      DNA is an exact science, and life and death decisions rest on it in Court cases all over the Western world today. I, along with you, would like to know much more.

                    • Kourtney Smart

                      No it isn’t. Many descendants of slaves have tested their DNA and gotten vastly different results that don’t add up. If it was exact the results wouldn’t really differ.

                    • peepsqueek

                      That is true if you are not using reputable labs. I would like you to read the neanderthal project and the DNA testing of frozen Neanderthals with viable bone marrow DNA. The first men to leave out of Africa had mixed with the Neanderthals before them became extinct and have between 2 and 5% Neanderthal genes, and sub-Saharan African are pure human. My wife says I must have some Neanderthal because of the way I eat. But DNA science is getting better all the time.

                    • Kourtney Smart

                      Neanderthals were dark-skinned contemporaries of Denisovan and Humans. Human Y DNA goes back 338k years. Humans and Neanderthals were all over the earth. They began to migrate when the climate shifted certain regions to radically different climates. I think it happens every 26k years or so -sometimes longer sometimes shorter. More than likely these groups left together …that whole evolution thing is a theory that needs major revison.

                      Neanderthal Denisovan and Africans shared similar phenotypes like the various modern Africans.

                    • peepsqueek

                      You might enjoy this 11 year old article—
                      February 21, 2005 New York Times: For the first time in history, more blacks are coming to the United States from Africa than during the slave trade: “Since 1990, according to immigration figures, more Africans have arrived voluntarily than the total who disembarked in chains before the United States outlawed international slave trafficking in 1807….. 1 in 3 blacks in NYC are foreign born”

    • BigGaySteve

      The English word slave comes from Slav, as white Slavs where often slaves. Aesop was a white Greek slave yet his wisdom rings through the ages.

      • I’m sure you’re making the age old apples and oranges argument about the history of slavery in Europe. We’re talking about America and racism in today’s class.

        • PoetrysTruth

          There’s always one. Let him have it. Dang! LOL

        • peepsqueek

          The best revenge of slavery and Jim Crow is that the President of the United States is the son of an African tribesman, twice, with the largest percentage of the popular vote in over 50 years. And that we have lots of black Congressman, Judges, Mayors, Officers in the military, doctors, lawyers, businessmen, award winning- educators, writers, athletes, movie stars, stage, musicians, who are all recognized around the world. The highest standard of living for black people than any other Country. Does that undo all the injustices of history? NO? Nothing can do that.

    • peepsqueek

      Many companies made their fortunes from the masses of poor whites who got of the boats from Europe as basically slaves themselves, working sixteen hours a day, from sun-up to sundown on the farms, in the factories, in the mines, on the roads, for sub-standard wages, only to die an early death and leave their families in debt and poverty. I say this without making comparisons to the horrific business and injustice of slavery and its aftermath.

  • -h.h.h.-
    • Epsilonicus

      Gif game proper

      • YeaSoh

        Doesn’t have to say a word. That’s talent.

    • Sahel

      Meh

      • -h.h.h.-

        welcome back sir, i’ve been trying to hold it down with the laconic statements

  • Brass Tacks

    Blacks & B*tches
    #HotMixtapename #notreallycausesexist #but…maybe?

    • Maybe an adult film, though.

      • Brass Tacks

        Wow… Now that you have mentioned it. How did I not see that?

      • Lea Thrace

        already exists.

        not that I know or anything

        stop looking at me like that!

        • Quirlygirly

          * loudly chews gum and says-mmhhhum

          Let me find out LT be knowing somethangs and thangs

          • Lea Thrace

            I dont know what you are talking about maam!

            *bats innocent eyes* *clutches pearls*

      • Mochasister

        That’s what I was thinking!

  • Trump is running that facist spread offense masterfully. #neverpunt #alwaysusescapegoats #itstheirfaultweareweak

    • Other_guy13

      #neverpunt tho….LOL

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