Breaking up sucks. There’s never a good or easy way beat that b**ch with a bat to kick somebody to the curb. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do. And for argument’s sake, we’ll assume an actual relationship has existed, not a one night Frisco frog-f*ck.
So let’s do it.
VSB’s Do’s and Don’ts for a Successful Break-Up
1. Do break up and don’t beat around the bush.
You know, this is the one that gets people in the most trouble. In attempts to not be the bad person or to try to maintain some semblance of niceness, ambiguity rears its ugly head leaving somebody looking like Whoopi Goldberg and the other looking like Oprah. You see, neither looks good but they’ve lingered around forever. Honestly, that made sense in my head.
2. Do it face to face if you can, don’t send a text or an email.
The only reason I think you should do it face to face is so you can possibly get some last time for-the-road boo-tay. If you send a text, there’s a good chance you won’t be hitting that any time soon, jack. Chicks hate text message breakups. I know. Oh well, the sh*t cost me $.10 so we both lost.
3. Do move on but don’t sleep with his or her friends…too soon.
It’s just not a good look. Period. Though, I think at some point all bets are off and if they’re friend is trying to offer up the snappy nappy dugout (word to Ice Cube), then by all means, there’s another hit Barry Bonds. For the time-being though, go f*ck Kanye (Megan Goode) or something.
4. Do break up (part 2).
Don’t get on some bullshit about taking a break if you really want to let the relationship ride. You see, “breaks” are the dumbest shit known to man. If you’re ready to move on, do it. Don’t keep the other person hanging onto your nuts/tit-tays for no reason – mostly because that gives them just cause to slash your tires and/or kick your puppy.
5. If you can, do make it an amicable split, but don’t patronize the other person.
Don’t be nice just for the hell of it and make it seem like you’re showing pity on the other person despite the kcufed up situation you’re in. However, if you can make it an amicable split you may still be able to hit when you need a little bit of that good lovin…or your batteries run out…or your internet connection times out or something.
6. Don’t break their stuff.
Never understood why people just ruined their ex’s stuff. I mean, come on, it feels good for a second, but then you have to clean the mess up yourself. It’s like un-protected sex. With a chick with no arms who doesn’t take birth control pills.
7. Don’t call all of their friends trying to get them to fix sit.
Chances are they agree with the breakup. Suck it up and go see Iron-Man. I get the idea this is some chick stuff mostly. I can’t see most dudes calling their girls friends. At least I’d never do that. I’m a damn G.
8. Don’t stalk them.
9. Do throw rocks at them if they stalk you.
Um. Duh again.
10. Do some self-reflection on the lost relationship…don’t assume that literally looking in the mirror counts as self-reflection.
Mostly because some of you shallow bastards don’t learn anything from your relationships.
Let us know some other must-do or must-don’ts for a successful break-up.
Inquiring minds would like to know.