“wait…men cant stop their pee???”
a female friend asked the college-aged champ this question, a response to a bewildered champ trying to confirm what he recently, ummm, found out: that all women can easily stop their flow midstream
to answer: no.
wait, that’s a lie. technically we can, but it’s very, very awkward for us to do, and should only be attempted in extreme “damn, here comes the mother-in-law. I sure picked a horrible time to “water” her flowers” types of situations.
as I remembered this, I thought of a few other tidbits about us that most women are probably completely unaware of, and i thought it would be rather altruistic of me to share eight more.
on the surface it may seem as if I’m doing a disservice to my brethren by revealing these, but knowing more about us means happier women. “happy woman” usually means “happy man”, and “happy men” means “less crime”. enjoy and sh*t.
1. if we’re serious about you, our anxiety about meeting your mom has nothing to do with “will i get along with her” and everything to do with “so that’s what she’s probably gonna look like in 25 years”.
2. we already know whether or not you came. we just ask because its makes us all warm and fuzzy inside when you say it.
3. we think its funny that its cool for you all to desire and date older and more established men despite the fact that you think its lame if men your age state a preference for dating much younger and less established women. btw, by “funny” we mean “more proof that you’re nucking futs”.
4. no, those weren’t tears in our eyes at the end of “the notebook”. we just have, ummm, allergies and sh*t sometimes. we also caught allergies at the end of “akeelah and the bee”, and while watching the roots “you got me” video, and this is all purely coincidental
5. us being “excited” when you’re wearing sexy lingere has less to do with how you look in it than the fact that we know we’re about to get some. we appreciate the effort though.
6. your relationship history matters to us. to expound, if we find out that you have a tendency to be attracted to and date lame assh*les, then we’ll slowly start to consider you to be a lame assh*le as well. my advice? lie
7. we usually wont let you see us flaccid unless we’re convinced that you’re sprung. interpret this whichever way you see fit
8. lastly, if you swallow all we really want do to is make you happy…but we need your help to do so. i mean, think about it: with all the admittedly horomonally chaotic sh*t you all have going on in there, do you even really want us to be able to read your minds?
fellas, did i miss anything?
—the champ
A woman that can’t stop her pee mid-stream is either Lil Kim or Paris Hilton. Just… loose.
And what if a woman looks like her father was sporting a wig? (see: Rain Pryor, Michael Jordan’s daughter) Then you betta check Pops out to see if he aged gracefully.
@Luvvie,
if a woman looks that much like her father why would I try to bang her let alone be around 25 years from now
@Deviant,
good question
@Deviant
Because everyone needs love.
Besides, if I stand next to my daddy, I look like him. If I stand next to my mommy I look like her. A woman looking like her daddy (despite the examples Luvvie gave) isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
@V Renee,
but its not that standard of measurement used to determine how a woman will age. If it is you may need to trade your woman in for a upgraded version.
A woman looking like her dad is a bad thing if you prefer femininity in your mate. You can have his eyes I guess but not his beard stubble or hairline.
@Deviant,
Maybe her father has feminine features? lol No?
BTW, Liv Tyler looks JUST like her daddy but it flatters her. Well, then again. Steven Tyler would look decent as a woman so… Yeah Iunno where I’m going with this
@Luvvie,
no she doesnt cause she looks like a woman. I dont think you guys realize why we look at the mom as a basis of comparison.
@Deviant,
Yall seem to take the phrase “looks like her father” very literally.
If you wanna know what your woman will look like 25 years from know, you gotta know which side of the family she takes after. I look NOTHING like my mother or her people. I look exactly like my father’s sister, who is a woman and actually very feminine. And she looks like her brother. . .who is my father. . a=b, b=c there for a=I look like my daddy
Yea. . do the math.
P.S. Things get even ore complicated when you get into genetics and body-type versus face. She may have her gotten her mother’s wrinkle-less face but her Aunt Bertha’s on her father’s side body type. . .
P.P.S If your name is Bertha, I’m sorry. No Offense
P.P.P.S I’m sorry that someone gave you a name with such negative connotations.
@AngelicNastyness,
“I look exactly like my father’s sister, who is a woman”
Ur aunt is a woman?
Sorry. I couldnt help it. It’s Monday and I’m bored.
@AngelicNastyness, Yall seem to take the phrase “looks like her father” very literally.
Im basing my argument off the original examples i.e. looks like her father with a wig on…which is never good
lmao, is this a repost from your old site Champ? (droyalsyoung?)
@Sugartits, I remember that one too. I actually recall how he learned about the midstream stop.
@Sugartits,
Oh Sugartits. **closes eyes fond memories smile** What did you just say?
@WuDaMan,
LMAO! Wu, you stoopid
@Sugartits,
lol, yeah. the (previously unedited) intro is an oldie. the list of 8 is all new though
@The Champ, aint nothin wrong with recycling
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
“aint nothing wrong with a lil recycling” was actually the original chorus to “bump n grind”, until r. kelly figured that it would be a bit too ambiguous.
@The Champ,
“Ain’t nothing wrong with recycling” is also why a lot of chillun are born when their parents run out of condoms after the first romp and check the floor for the last one they used. Yup. True story. And by true, I mean I just made ALL of that up.
@Luvvie, **clutches pearls** That’s horrendous
Please stop.
its actually not that easy to stop urself mid pee, not like really hard but it requires some concentration. i practice doing it from time to time when i remember bc it strengthens ur muscles down there so when ur old u’ll be less likely to pee on urself –incontinence is NOT sexy lol
@PrincesMo,
What kinda concentration is required to stop peeing? Just wondering… *no snark, i promise*. I’m just curious
@Luvvie,
it doesnt take any concentration for me. its like a game. lol
@shatani,
Pretty much.
@Luvvie, not the concentration it would take to do a sudoku or something lol but i have to focus for it to stop completely and not just pause, i dunno if it makes a difference that i always stand when i pee (even at my own house, some people say i’m a germaphobe but u can get crabs from a toilet seat-they jump 4 feet–i need to bleach a toilet seat down b4 i’ll sit on it and thats too much effort to just pee) if the change in angle would alter the situation lol
@PrincesMo,
1. I heart Sudoku
B. I understand the squat over the toilet move b/c we all do it when in unfamiliar surroundings. But u squat even in ur own house? Wow You must have the hamstrings of a cheetah.
I’m curious. What bout when you do #2? Are you dropping the kids off from 5 feet above the toilet bowl? And do you splash toilet water on the floor?
@PrincesMo, I couldn’t get past four feet – for real?! Some things you just can’t unlearn…
@PrincesMo,
lol @ fearing jumping crabs in your own house…either you have promiscuous roomies or you have a severe case of ocd.
@Luvvie,
I was about to ask the same thing…
@Ms. Sula,
I bleach/lysol the toilet seat when i have to do “other stuff,” but thats only at home, i never do that in public or even at someone else’s house…i just wait till i get home
@PrincesMo,
“incontinence is NOT sexy” – (tear in my eye) so so true and so so funny to
@PrincesMo,
“incontinence is NOT sexy”
t-shirt potential
…I’m just amazed that you pee with “friends” and sh*t (no pun intended).
@Resident GRitS, you and me alike…. a bit too…. intimate… for my taste. but, hey – different strokes, right?
i’m disturbed by the communal peeing in the shower, and speakinlike this is normal thing???…it just seems a hairline fracture away from a golden shower…and equal to a health class (circa 1994) teacher talk about male/boy circle j.e.r.k. o.f.f sessions…um again, hairline away from (and by hairline I mean 100%) g.a.y.
i’m just saying n sh$T *walking away…curiously stunned*
@maria,
um again, hairline away from (and by hairline I mean 100%) g.a.y
disturbing i can understand, but “g.a.y.”? please expound and sh*t
@The Champ
I think she believes this “pee friend” was of the male gender…….
So was this alleged friend an actual friend?? Do just “friends” take showers together, let alone pee while they’re in the shower together? Did either party have on shower shoes (aka Old Navy flip flops) that they immediately threw away after this golden shower?
@ champ
i was referring to the male circle thing b/c i never believed they really happened unless there was some bi curious coming into you own type thing happening…
the whole pee think is creepy to me…i mean peeing in front of each other i get…but peeing in the shower together i just can’t get down like that ….
@maria,
i was referring to the male circle thing
lol, i’m still confused. how does health class, gay mutual “faster-nation”, and showering with a person you’re actively boning connect?
@The Champ,
i guess the fact that both are a “hair line fracture” away from making my skin crawl…connected in a “this disturbs me & why did I have to face it/read it/hear it/learn of it”
i was perfectly fine with letting other day to day interactions with my peers disturb me, but not you Champ..not you…lol
@The Champ,
Easy. They dont
@V Renee,
you’re asking too many questions, lol. pick one that you want me to answer
@maria,
Ok, you’ve watched wayyy too much Barney in your lifetime b/c ur imagination is off the charts. How did you extrapolate Champ’s experience with a woman in the shower to mean a Socratic student-teacher jerk off session?
@Luvvie,
my actual gym teacher in 9th grade talked about male circle sessions in a very, casual, this is normal sh$t to talk about way…in much the same way Champ referenced the shower urine relief party…and both–to me–are not normal?
am i wrong for that? I’m not stamping either with my office stampy thing of approval…lol but hey to each his/her own…
@maria,
LOL I’m not giving the twosome golden shower in the shower a golden star myself. It’s one of them “But I’m a lady” things that I can’t co-sign.
@maria,
…..what kinda teacher is that? ew
@Saule Wright,
dude he also talked about “fingering chicks” and women needing to trim their pubic areas…i was like 14 years old, he was shady, he would just randomly drop sh#t like that as if he were talking about carrying an umbrella if it looks like rain…
@maria,
What kind of effin teacher is that??? Eeeeewwww!
@maria,
Tha hell??? And no-one reported him?
“peeing while showering with your mate (without splashing) is an underrated art that requires much skill and preparation.”
an art, indeed.
@Miss Patterson,
maybe just us pittsburghers appreciate it
@Miss Patterson, i still think its impossible. how does it not splash? do u jus pee right down the hole?
@Peyso is confused about twitter, I’m confused as well. I know that if a ninja p*ssed on my foot, I’d kill him dead right then and there
@Kindred Smile,
I know that if a ninja p*ssed on my foot, I’d kill him dead right then and there
**reminding self to not piss near kindred’s lawnchair while tipsy at the vsb bbq**
@Kindred Smile,
LMAO I’m mad I hear you saying that. I know the tone u using and ERRTHANG
@Kindred Smile,
LMAO! Im mad I can hear you saying that. I know the exact tone u using and ERRTHANG!
@Luvvie, sho ya right. You know I don’t play about my personal space
May-haps im still young and dumb. but the peeing thing…well…thats just a pause before the next round or confusion because she thinks she has to pee when in reality…she squirts…
im a big believer in relationship privacy and the “social contract”. If peeing becomes some kind of communal activity then whats next? Me brushing my teeth while you take a sh*t?
na…i cant get down with that…
@ESQuared,
but the peeing thing…well…thats just a pause before the next round or confusion because she thinks she has to pee when in reality…she squirts…
lol…how are these even related to each other?
@The Champ, it relates to me only because it seems like a huge lapse in privacy. If its a result of something im actively doing to result in such an action then i feel like its something I deserve to see as it were. Otherwise…let your jump off go pee…its just the right thing to do. lol
@ESQuared,
Otherwise…let your jump off go pee…its just the right thing to do
lol, you’re making it seem like i’d run to the toilet to film her whenever i’d hear some splashing in the distance
i’m still amazed men can’t stop their pee. i thought it was something we (men and women) could all do.
@lulu,
barring an emergency why would you?
@Deviant,
We do it all the time, especially in public restrooms. It’s against the secret restroom code to pee alone while others can hear you, so if someone enters the stall next to you mid-stream, you stop mid-stream and resume peeing once they have commenced.
**Closely related: The pee stand-off, which happens when two parties enter stalls at roughly the same time. You generally try to time your stream so that the two of you begin pretty much simultaneously.
U-N-I-T-Y
@Nikiloveli, It’s against the secret restroom code to pee alone while others can hear
I’m a man. I could care less about this code. I’m not stoppin my stream for nothin.
@Deviant,
Well yeah, but y’all pee all out in the open, standing next to each other and comparing relative stream velocity and ish.
We don’t get down like that.
@nikiloveli,
what kind of guys do you know?
@nikiloveli,
I think you’ve been watching too many 80s movies featuring 2520 boys. . .
@Deviant,
“what kind of guys do you know?”
That was an educated guess on what y’all do in that communal urinal area, given what I know about the grossness and competitiveness of guys in general.
I can totally see y’all comparing your individual stream velocity…
“Ninja, I can knock down that Coke can from here!”
“Word? a’ight, I’mma knock down that beer bottle. Bet? Bet!”
You know it’s true.
@nikiloveli,
Its not
@kamakula,
Nope. I watched my brothers brag on what they could write in the snow**, though. What’s the difference?
**still pissed about this, btw. we lived in HOUSTON. Do you know how little it snows in Houston? And here they are trying to turn it all yellow. Nasty arses.
@Nikiloveli,
Lol. Girl, you crazy. altho, I do feel kinda weird when other women can hear me “stop & go”
@Nikiloveli,
by “u-n-i-t-y” you mean “g-a-y-”, right?
@The Champ,
Don’t you have a foot you should be p*ssing on right now or something?
*dead*
@lulu,
I think it’s just Champ.
hmmmm… I just have to ask… This college “friend” had to be a wife candidate, like potential life partner and ya’ll were really really close, or is peeing in the shower with a jumpoff some kind of strange man test?
@pgh muse,
“is peeing in the shower with a jumpoff some kind of strange man test?”
good question
@pgh muse, naw, ppl just dont wanna get out the shower and wet up the floors unneccessarily
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
buy a floor mat/rug whatever for $10.99
or put a towel down if you must
@maria, that requires all type of planning for an event that will happen about twice a year
Peeing the the shower?
Unless there was some jelly fish action happening earlier in the day…there is no reason to piss in the damn shower.
Champ, you have gone where I just cant follow darlin.
@An Uninspired Muse and more…
Where’s the peeing in the shower reference? Am I missing something?
@Imperfect,
the early morning vsb-ers were lucky enough to see a longer, unedited version of this entry.
@The Champ,
Thanks for explaining because I read it twice and thought I needed a new scrip for my glasses…lol
@miss t-lee,
Me too… I was going like… Uh? Did I miss lunch or something….
@The Champ,
HA! Didnt even realize u editted since I just went str8 to the comments this morn. Why’d ya edit it?
@Luvvie,
it was too long. the intro was longer than the actual list
@The Champ,
lucky isn’t the work i’d use to describe what it was i was when i read the early morning version…
and yeah i’m making entirely too much outta this…i’m killing time in b/w classes and text…i will stop now