“wait…men cant stop their pee???”
a female friend asked the college-aged champ this question, a response to a bewildered champ trying to confirm what he recently, ummm, found out: that all women can easily stop their flow midstream
to answer: no.
wait, that’s a lie. technically we can, but it’s very, very awkward for us to do, and should only be attempted in extreme “damn, here comes the mother-in-law. I sure picked a horrible time to “water” her flowers” types of situations.
as I remembered this, I thought of a few other tidbits about us that most women are probably completely unaware of, and i thought it would be rather altruistic of me to share eight more.
on the surface it may seem as if I’m doing a disservice to my brethren by revealing these, but knowing more about us means happier women. “happy woman” usually means “happy man”, and “happy men” means “less crime”. enjoy and sh*t.
1. if we’re serious about you, our anxiety about meeting your mom has nothing to do with “will i get along with her” and everything to do with “so that’s what she’s probably gonna look like in 25 years”.
2. we already know whether or not you came. we just ask because its makes us all warm and fuzzy inside when you say it.
3. we think its funny that its cool for you all to desire and date older and more established men despite the fact that you think its lame if men your age state a preference for dating much younger and less established women. btw, by “funny” we mean “more proof that you’re nucking futs”.
4. no, those weren’t tears in our eyes at the end of “the notebook”. we just have, ummm, allergies and sh*t sometimes. we also caught allergies at the end of “akeelah and the bee”, and while watching the roots “you got me” video, and this is all purely coincidental
5. us being “excited” when you’re wearing sexy lingere has less to do with how you look in it than the fact that we know we’re about to get some. we appreciate the effort though.
6. your relationship history matters to us. to expound, if we find out that you have a tendency to be attracted to and date lame assh*les, then we’ll slowly start to consider you to be a lame assh*le as well. my advice? lie
7. we usually wont let you see us flaccid unless we’re convinced that you’re sprung. interpret this whichever way you see fit
8. lastly, if you swallow all we really want do to is make you happy…but we need your help to do so. i mean, think about it: with all the admittedly horomonally chaotic sh*t you all have going on in there, do you even really want us to be able to read your minds?
fellas, did i miss anything?
—the champ
A woman that can’t stop her pee mid-stream is either Lil Kim or Paris Hilton. Just… loose.
And what if a woman looks like her father was sporting a wig? (see: Rain Pryor, Michael Jordan’s daughter) Then you betta check Pops out to see if he aged gracefully.
@Luvvie,
if a woman looks that much like her father why would I try to bang her let alone be around 25 years from now
@Deviant,
good question
@Deviant
Because everyone needs love.
Besides, if I stand next to my daddy, I look like him. If I stand next to my mommy I look like her. A woman looking like her daddy (despite the examples Luvvie gave) isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
@V Renee,
but its not that standard of measurement used to determine how a woman will age. If it is you may need to trade your woman in for a upgraded version.
A woman looking like her dad is a bad thing if you prefer femininity in your mate. You can have his eyes I guess but not his beard stubble or hairline.
@Deviant,
Maybe her father has feminine features? lol No?
BTW, Liv Tyler looks JUST like her daddy but it flatters her. Well, then again. Steven Tyler would look decent as a woman so… Yeah Iunno where I’m going with this
@Luvvie,
no she doesnt cause she looks like a woman. I dont think you guys realize why we look at the mom as a basis of comparison.
@Deviant,
Yall seem to take the phrase “looks like her father” very literally.
If you wanna know what your woman will look like 25 years from know, you gotta know which side of the family she takes after. I look NOTHING like my mother or her people. I look exactly like my father’s sister, who is a woman and actually very feminine. And she looks like her brother. . .who is my father. . a=b, b=c there for a=I look like my daddy
Yea. . do the math.
P.S. Things get even ore complicated when you get into genetics and body-type versus face. She may have her gotten her mother’s wrinkle-less face but her Aunt Bertha’s on her father’s side body type. . .
P.P.S If your name is Bertha, I’m sorry. No Offense
P.P.P.S I’m sorry that someone gave you a name with such negative connotations.
@AngelicNastyness,
“I look exactly like my father’s sister, who is a woman”
Ur aunt is a woman?
Sorry. I couldnt help it. It’s Monday and I’m bored.
@AngelicNastyness, Yall seem to take the phrase “looks like her father” very literally.
Im basing my argument off the original examples i.e. looks like her father with a wig on…which is never good
lmao, is this a repost from your old site Champ? (droyalsyoung?)
@Sugartits, I remember that one too. I actually recall how he learned about the midstream stop.
@Sugartits,
Oh Sugartits. **closes eyes fond memories smile** What did you just say?
@WuDaMan,
LMAO! Wu, you stoopid
@Sugartits,
lol, yeah. the (previously unedited) intro is an oldie. the list of 8 is all new though
@The Champ, aint nothin wrong with recycling
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
“aint nothing wrong with a lil recycling” was actually the original chorus to “bump n grind”, until r. kelly figured that it would be a bit too ambiguous.
@The Champ,
“Ain’t nothing wrong with recycling” is also why a lot of chillun are born when their parents run out of condoms after the first romp and check the floor for the last one they used. Yup. True story. And by true, I mean I just made ALL of that up.
@Luvvie, **clutches pearls** That’s horrendous
Please stop.
its actually not that easy to stop urself mid pee, not like really hard but it requires some concentration. i practice doing it from time to time when i remember bc it strengthens ur muscles down there so when ur old u’ll be less likely to pee on urself –incontinence is NOT sexy lol
@PrincesMo,
What kinda concentration is required to stop peeing? Just wondering… *no snark, i promise*. I’m just curious
@Luvvie,
it doesnt take any concentration for me. its like a game. lol
@shatani,
Pretty much.
@Luvvie, not the concentration it would take to do a sudoku or something lol but i have to focus for it to stop completely and not just pause, i dunno if it makes a difference that i always stand when i pee (even at my own house, some people say i’m a germaphobe but u can get crabs from a toilet seat-they jump 4 feet–i need to bleach a toilet seat down b4 i’ll sit on it and thats too much effort to just pee) if the change in angle would alter the situation lol
@PrincesMo,
1. I heart Sudoku
B. I understand the squat over the toilet move b/c we all do it when in unfamiliar surroundings. But u squat even in ur own house? Wow You must have the hamstrings of a cheetah.
I’m curious. What bout when you do #2? Are you dropping the kids off from 5 feet above the toilet bowl? And do you splash toilet water on the floor?
@PrincesMo, I couldn’t get past four feet – for real?! Some things you just can’t unlearn…
@PrincesMo,
lol @ fearing jumping crabs in your own house…either you have promiscuous roomies or you have a severe case of ocd.
@Luvvie,
I was about to ask the same thing…
@Ms. Sula,
I bleach/lysol the toilet seat when i have to do “other stuff,” but thats only at home, i never do that in public or even at someone else’s house…i just wait till i get home
@PrincesMo,
“incontinence is NOT sexy” – (tear in my eye) so so true and so so funny to
@PrincesMo,
“incontinence is NOT sexy”
t-shirt potential
…I’m just amazed that you pee with “friends” and sh*t (no pun intended).
@Resident GRitS, you and me alike…. a bit too…. intimate… for my taste. but, hey – different strokes, right?
i’m disturbed by the communal peeing in the shower, and speakinlike this is normal thing???…it just seems a hairline fracture away from a golden shower…and equal to a health class (circa 1994) teacher talk about male/boy circle j.e.r.k. o.f.f sessions…um again, hairline away from (and by hairline I mean 100%) g.a.y.
i’m just saying n sh$T *walking away…curiously stunned*
@maria,
um again, hairline away from (and by hairline I mean 100%) g.a.y
disturbing i can understand, but “g.a.y.”? please expound and sh*t
@The Champ
I think she believes this “pee friend” was of the male gender…….
So was this alleged friend an actual friend?? Do just “friends” take showers together, let alone pee while they’re in the shower together? Did either party have on shower shoes (aka Old Navy flip flops) that they immediately threw away after this golden shower?
@ champ
i was referring to the male circle thing b/c i never believed they really happened unless there was some bi curious coming into you own type thing happening…
the whole pee think is creepy to me…i mean peeing in front of each other i get…but peeing in the shower together i just can’t get down like that ….
@maria,
i was referring to the male circle thing
lol, i’m still confused. how does health class, gay mutual “faster-nation”, and showering with a person you’re actively boning connect?
@The Champ,
i guess the fact that both are a “hair line fracture” away from making my skin crawl…connected in a “this disturbs me & why did I have to face it/read it/hear it/learn of it”
i was perfectly fine with letting other day to day interactions with my peers disturb me, but not you Champ..not you…lol
@The Champ,
Easy. They dont
@V Renee,
you’re asking too many questions, lol. pick one that you want me to answer
@maria,
Ok, you’ve watched wayyy too much Barney in your lifetime b/c ur imagination is off the charts. How did you extrapolate Champ’s experience with a woman in the shower to mean a Socratic student-teacher jerk off session?
@Luvvie,
my actual gym teacher in 9th grade talked about male circle sessions in a very, casual, this is normal sh$t to talk about way…in much the same way Champ referenced the shower urine relief party…and both–to me–are not normal?
am i wrong for that? I’m not stamping either with my office stampy thing of approval…lol but hey to each his/her own…
@maria,
LOL I’m not giving the twosome golden shower in the shower a golden star myself. It’s one of them “But I’m a lady” things that I can’t co-sign.
@maria,
…..what kinda teacher is that? ew
@Saule Wright,
dude he also talked about “fingering chicks” and women needing to trim their pubic areas…i was like 14 years old, he was shady, he would just randomly drop sh#t like that as if he were talking about carrying an umbrella if it looks like rain…
@maria,
What kind of effin teacher is that??? Eeeeewwww!
@maria,
Tha hell??? And no-one reported him?
“peeing while showering with your mate (without splashing) is an underrated art that requires much skill and preparation.”
an art, indeed.
@Miss Patterson,
maybe just us pittsburghers appreciate it
@Miss Patterson, i still think its impossible. how does it not splash? do u jus pee right down the hole?
@Peyso is confused about twitter, I’m confused as well. I know that if a ninja p*ssed on my foot, I’d kill him dead right then and there
@Kindred Smile,
I know that if a ninja p*ssed on my foot, I’d kill him dead right then and there
**reminding self to not piss near kindred’s lawnchair while tipsy at the vsb bbq**
@Kindred Smile,
LMAO I’m mad I hear you saying that. I know the tone u using and ERRTHANG
@Kindred Smile,
LMAO! Im mad I can hear you saying that. I know the exact tone u using and ERRTHANG!
@Luvvie, sho ya right. You know I don’t play about my personal space
May-haps im still young and dumb. but the peeing thing…well…thats just a pause before the next round or confusion because she thinks she has to pee when in reality…she squirts…
im a big believer in relationship privacy and the “social contract”. If peeing becomes some kind of communal activity then whats next? Me brushing my teeth while you take a sh*t?
na…i cant get down with that…
@ESQuared,
but the peeing thing…well…thats just a pause before the next round or confusion because she thinks she has to pee when in reality…she squirts…
lol…how are these even related to each other?
@The Champ, it relates to me only because it seems like a huge lapse in privacy. If its a result of something im actively doing to result in such an action then i feel like its something I deserve to see as it were. Otherwise…let your jump off go pee…its just the right thing to do. lol
@ESQuared,
Otherwise…let your jump off go pee…its just the right thing to do
lol, you’re making it seem like i’d run to the toilet to film her whenever i’d hear some splashing in the distance
i’m still amazed men can’t stop their pee. i thought it was something we (men and women) could all do.
@lulu,
barring an emergency why would you?
@Deviant,
We do it all the time, especially in public restrooms. It’s against the secret restroom code to pee alone while others can hear you, so if someone enters the stall next to you mid-stream, you stop mid-stream and resume peeing once they have commenced.
**Closely related: The pee stand-off, which happens when two parties enter stalls at roughly the same time. You generally try to time your stream so that the two of you begin pretty much simultaneously.
U-N-I-T-Y
@Nikiloveli, It’s against the secret restroom code to pee alone while others can hear
I’m a man. I could care less about this code. I’m not stoppin my stream for nothin.
@Deviant,
Well yeah, but y’all pee all out in the open, standing next to each other and comparing relative stream velocity and ish.
We don’t get down like that.
@nikiloveli,
what kind of guys do you know?
@nikiloveli,
I think you’ve been watching too many 80s movies featuring 2520 boys. . .
@Deviant,
“what kind of guys do you know?”
That was an educated guess on what y’all do in that communal urinal area, given what I know about the grossness and competitiveness of guys in general.
I can totally see y’all comparing your individual stream velocity…
“Ninja, I can knock down that Coke can from here!”
“Word? a’ight, I’mma knock down that beer bottle. Bet? Bet!”
You know it’s true.
@nikiloveli,
Its not
@kamakula,
Nope. I watched my brothers brag on what they could write in the snow**, though. What’s the difference?
**still pissed about this, btw. we lived in HOUSTON. Do you know how little it snows in Houston? And here they are trying to turn it all yellow. Nasty arses.
@Nikiloveli,
Lol. Girl, you crazy. altho, I do feel kinda weird when other women can hear me “stop & go”
@Nikiloveli,
by “u-n-i-t-y” you mean “g-a-y-”, right?
@The Champ,
Don’t you have a foot you should be p*ssing on right now or something?
*dead*
@lulu,
I think it’s just Champ.
hmmmm… I just have to ask… This college “friend” had to be a wife candidate, like potential life partner and ya’ll were really really close, or is peeing in the shower with a jumpoff some kind of strange man test?
@pgh muse,
“is peeing in the shower with a jumpoff some kind of strange man test?”
good question
@pgh muse, naw, ppl just dont wanna get out the shower and wet up the floors unneccessarily
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
buy a floor mat/rug whatever for $10.99
or put a towel down if you must
@maria, that requires all type of planning for an event that will happen about twice a year
Peeing the the shower?
Unless there was some jelly fish action happening earlier in the day…there is no reason to piss in the damn shower.
Champ, you have gone where I just cant follow darlin.
@An Uninspired Muse and more…
Where’s the peeing in the shower reference? Am I missing something?
@Imperfect,
the early morning vsb-ers were lucky enough to see a longer, unedited version of this entry.
@The Champ,
Thanks for explaining because I read it twice and thought I needed a new scrip for my glasses…lol
@miss t-lee,
Me too… I was going like… Uh? Did I miss lunch or something….
@The Champ,
HA! Didnt even realize u editted since I just went str8 to the comments this morn. Why’d ya edit it?
@Luvvie,
it was too long. the intro was longer than the actual list
@The Champ,
lucky isn’t the work i’d use to describe what it was i was when i read the early morning version…
and yeah i’m making entirely too much outta this…i’m killing time in b/w classes and text…i will stop now
Reading this post, is like the first time i listened to Nas – Stillmatic…I slapped myself in the face for even thinking for a moment that he fell off
“if we’re serious about you, our anxiety about meeting your mom has nothing to do with “will i get along with her” and everything to do with “so that’s what she’s probably gonna look like in 25 years” – so so true, let’s wait till our wedding day, that way i’ll still feel obliged to marry you (should the worst be true), because of all the money i spent on the food and tent and sh*t.
**Sidenote Quote(TM): “think before you drink, before you drive me crazy” – Rock ‘n Rolla**
@sisanda,
Reading this post, is like the first time i listened to Nas – Stillmatic…I slapped myself in the face for even thinking for a moment that he fell off
wait…you thought i fell off???
@The Champ,
No what i meant was i hadn’t been here for a while, so i had forgotten a little the lyrical prowess of the VSB…don’t worry son you’re still sittin on top.
ha! i love this.
this blog is so hilarious.
but ummm i’ma need you to NEVER be peeing in the shower. let alone with your mate. such grossness. lol.
allergies, huh? ha.
@Muze,
welcome and sh*t.
The fact that I am able to comment on VSB tells me I am up way too early.
I am going to have to agree with the posters above. I cannot under any circumstance agree with urinating with another individual in the shower. Furthermore, I cannot even urinate in the shower by myself…or without a toilet.
Moving along…men really can’t just stop it? Wow…I’d think if they could they might have stronger org@sms too?
@Jac,
Moving along…men really can’t just stop it? Wow…I’d think if they could they might have stronger org@sms too?
you can stop an impending o with enough practice. thing is, urine usually comes out with more force, and that makes it much more awkward to attempt.
vsb.com: where health class happens
@The Champ,
I’ve always thought the more you hold and try to stop your pee the more likely youll lose the ability to hold it when you get older and the more likely youll be wearing adult diapers at 70.
@Deviant,
for women its the exact opposite.
@Jac, to be perfectly honest, i dont really think i need or want to have stronger orgasms. men with stonger orgasms could lead to the end of the world….
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
yeah. no one would even bother going to work. every guy would just sit home, “grass a state” all day and eventually starve to death
Aww I went into moderation and I am not sure why…
Maybe it was the u word…
hmph.
“6. your relationship history matters to us. to expound, if we find out that you have a tendency to be attracted to and date lame assh*les, then we’ll slowly start to consider you to be a lame assh*le as well. my advice? lie”
my question is, if you find out that she has a tendency to be attracted to and date lame azzholes, why, then, doesn that not make you consider the idea that YOU may be a lame azzhole? i mean, just following her pattern and shyt.
there are women out there that cant cut it right off mid-stream…not because they are the town bicycle, but because they dont practice (or because they gave birth to your big head baby)….men can practice too, ya know. if you guys strengthen your PC muscles it will make your own orgasms REDIC! (you learn alot when you have friends who are sexologists)
and im convinced that not all of ya’ll know whether or not we came…can those of you who do, teach the rest?
@shatani,
“my question is, if you find out that she has a tendency to be attracted to and date lame azzholes, why, then, doesn that not make you consider the idea that YOU may be a lame azzhole? i mean, just following her pattern and shyt.”
Not always the case. You may notice it and she doesn’t. Some women seem to have a natural attraction to herbs, slicksters, and azzholes so we keep just keep your taste in perspective.
@Humble_One,
i understand that some women just like herbs, slicksters and azzholes. i know those women. my question is, if you know she likes that type of man and you know she likes you, why does it not force you to consider that maybe you are one of those men?? transitive property and whatnot…
@shatani,
transitive property deez
@Humble_One, Exactly!! . I cant assume that a “fly chick” goes after “winners”. Once I hear a women explain that all of or too many of her Ex’s are stereotypes I am O-U-T-. And here those sterotypes :
former thug..he doesnt exist he either has “priors” (A or B feloniesONLY!!!) that affect BOTH- of yall if not then he was never “locked up” and note child support and DUI/DWI’s DO NOT COUNT so she wasnt attracted to the “bad boy” just a Sucka Ass Wuss that fronted the thug role…and she got played just cuz of that
Ex Player: no such thing. Face it it was his rep for sex that pulled her in and not being “that kinda girl” She foolishly thought by being his “Girl” (he is older now…whatever) he wouldnt stray and then he gets the bimbo at the store She shops at prego!! Well remember..he aint a player he just fucks a lot..that includes during their relationship and her pregnancy!!
The Educated Pimp- he hasnt brushed up since yall became a couple and that was two years after he got out and you were still a Grad Student-all he is, is a regular guy with a boring career you got hoodwinked by youth, the big words and useless phrases like “Paradigm Shift”
Any “Industry” Guy-yea again while you are a Grad Student you saw nothing wrong dating this cat although easy dimed out pussy is EVERYWHERE in his Industry (entertainment or the hi powerful private and gov’t jobs) – cause at some point INCOME not job is whats “sexy” and most hi paying govt and private sector gigs are LAME some ladies got hoodwinked by this by virtue of what “Industry” the job was connected to or the job itself…like ANYONE in music most them of those ppl dont get paid til the END of the year outside of Producers and or Eginereers most music biz ppl are BROKE, try telling that to the 23 yr ready to blow Souljha Boys “A&R’s Assistant”.
These are the Lame Dudes that young women stay going for instead of dating (and sexing ) the same cat in the Chem class-no they MUST fail-and do so miserably with these cats and THEN they see that HTML guy wasnt just a “geek” well if I can find that out BEFORE taking you serious it will be a factor-because suckers fool women all day and then the women think the real man is just bullshittin….as Biggie said thats what you get from runnin with Lame Dudes too much”.
If all a man has to say is “I am tired of baby mothers etc” …the ladies would think : ” this fool chased all them skanks and layed so hard now he thinks the official chicks is the one frontin…maybe he need to stop sleeping with women still doing tricks for weaves and shoe money”. Am I wrong?
@shatani,
and im convinced that not all of ya’ll know whether or not we came…can those of you who do, teach the rest?
Most of them don’t. That’s why so many women get away with lying about it.
um…am i the only one thats not surprised by champ peeing in the shower?? i thought most guys did that….in fact, i thought most people did that (but mostly guys! lol)
now, this is the first im hearing about doing that with someone else in the shower with you….and really the first ive heard of a woman doing it while in the shower with her man. and then the question becomes, how did you know she was peeing? did she announce it so you wouldnt be standing at the bottom of the “waterfall”?? did she start peeing on your feet and then you realized that she stopped to get the phone? i would love some clarification!
@shatani,
“in fact, i thought most people did that”
me too. i thought it was a common practice
as far as the clarification…it was a big ass shower.
@The Champ,
like the communal ones in the freshman dorms l.m.a.o
I am a very open person so the whole peeing while I’m in the bathroom is of no mind to me. I will talk about it, I don’t close bathroom doors, my shower curtain is clear, I have conversations with people while I’m using the bathroom (unless the person I’m talking to has a problem with it then I’ll close the door)…its just not that serious to me. For the longest time I had a fascination about how men peed. I mean if they point and shoot, why does pee get everywhere?? TMI??…oh well
#2 is also in the women’s handbook somewhere but it goes something like, (sometimes) “He thinks you came so when he asks, go ahead and say yes so he can be happy and both of you can get some sleep…”
@CoCoPuffs,
ive had that “point and shoot” conversation with guy friends before….ive had at least three of them come over here and complain about my toilet because the toilet seat cover makes it so that the toilet seat doesnt stay up. so they are forced to stand there and hold it up while they are pointing and shooting with the other hand….
my response is, well, why not just pee without lifting the seat…its a pretty big effing hole! i was then informed that the stream is not always singular and their aim is not always true. we got into a conversation about what would make things “spray?” i wont get into that here, though…lol
@shatani, thats EXACTLY what I’m saying…the toilet hole is big as hell!!! I’ve gotten responses like they dont know where its going until it comes out and then they aim…I didn’t know there was an art to peeing but if it takes that much effort, men should just sit down and point it in the bowl. hehehehe
@CoCoPuffs, “men should just sit down and point it in the bowl. hehehehe”
the gayest thing i ever read on this site. (NTTIAWWT)
@CoCoPuffs,
“I mean if they point and shoot, why does pee get everywhere??”
shakeage.
@The Champ, there is this stuff called tissue that that allows you to get that without shaking it everywhere. Ya’ll (men) don’t know what wiping is???
@CoCoPuffs,
I don’t think men use toilet paper when they pee. I think they think the “shake” is enough. Then any few drops that are left just end up in their drawls. Lol.
Am I right guys?? I don’t think I’ve ever seen any dude pee and pat dry. Then again, I’ve never really stood by with a lab coat and clip board watchin a dude pee, so… ***shrugs shoulders***
@nia, you are absolutely correct
@nia, This is way too much to contemplate while eating my light bread.
@Kindred Smile,
Leave that song out of this.
@Kindred Smile,
LMAO!!! Not ur light bread. Ihatechu
And when God calls me home I’ll have no more grrriiitttts. No mo’ nuts of grapes…
@nia,
yeah. patting is for p*ssies
@The Champ,
“Patting is for p*ssies” is definitely a shirt. A vulgar one, but a shirt nonetheless
@The Champ
Is this pus*ies or pis*ies?? Either one would work.
@nia,
I’ve never thought about patting vs. shaking before, but the mental image of a dude carefully toweling his member with a tissue square post-urination is a bit disturbing…
@nikiloveli,
True. But stuff like this is why I NEVER mix our laundry.
@nia,
LMAO I almost choked on my turkey and chesse…that is too funny, because it’s ture
@nia, see now this i don’t understand. i don’t think men would like it if we let little drops of U wet our pant*es. i think men need to wise up and get to patting.
@nia,
i know a man that wipes. he is very clean. and thats why i love him.
OMG How truely true #5 is. I had to gafau over this truth in my life. I mean why do street workers where what they where?? Think about it.
This reminds me of the diff between young and old men. While there are many things to list I’m just thinking of how.
If a woman that a guy just took out on a date to someplace nice. Guys think she is complimenting him. Old guys know that she is actually just complimenting the place.
@WuDaMan,
If a woman that a guy just took out on a date to someplace nice. Guys think she is complimenting him. Old guys know that she is actually just complimenting the place.
good point and sh*t
“2. we already know whether or not you came. we just ask because its makes us all warm and fuzzy inside when you say it. ”
Ima go ahead and call bullsh*t on this one. You think you know, but truly you have no idea. That’s like a dude claiming he can tell when someone is faking – you can’t.
@V Renee,
“You think you know, but truly you have no idea.”
*co-sign*
@V Renee,
Ima go ahead and call bullsh*t on this one. You think you know, but truly you have no idea
there are certain physiological changes that occur with a woman o’s, that have nothing to do with how loudly she screams “i’m c*mming cat daddy”.
although it may vary from woman to woman, if you’ve been with the same woman enough times, you’ll be able to pick up on them.
basically, your bullsh*t is bullsh*t
@The Champ,
And what r these physiological changes, oh expert cum-inducer? tee hee.
@Luvvie,
And what r these physiological changes, oh expert cum-inducer? tee hee.
google it and sh*t.
@The Champ,
“google it and sh*t.”
Code for “I don’t know.”
@nia,
Tee hee
@The Champ
physiological deez.
Well Cat Daddy, I’ma let you keep THINKING you know. Just know that the physiological changes you speak of CAN be faked. If a woman knows her body, she can make all sorts of things appear real
@V Renee, that’s cheating and unfair
@Peyso is confused about twitter,
How so? If the man finishes first THAT’S cheating and unfair. Lol. But seriously, the point of faking is to boost your ego or to avoid hurting your feelings. You’d be surprised at how many women fake it.
@V Renee, if a woman has to go through all of that to give the illusion of a big O, then the relationship itself is the bigger illusion
@Kindred Smile,
Meh, I think if you’re doing tricks every night and going to sleep stopped up you’re playing yourself. But sometimes, if it just aint gonna happen, I’d rather be done with it than start Coach Cartering this fool.
@Kindred Smile,
if a woman has to go through all of that to give the illusion of a big O, then the relationship itself is the bigger illusion
touche and sh*t
@Kindred Smile,
that means every relationship is a big illusion then, cuz most (and by most I mean all) women have faked it and the men didn’t know any better!
@YGB, This makes me sad. Ain’t no way in Hades I’mon earn an Oscar in the boudoir to boost some befuddled dude’s ego.
@Kindred Smile,
“if a woman has to go through all of that to give the illusion of a big O, then the relationship itself is the bigger illusion”
Well, then it brings up the query of “Is the relationship entirely based on SECKS?” because if she gotta fake it, it may just mean he dont get her physical needs, but everything else may be on point. What say ye?
Or am i opening Pandora’s box?
@Luvvie, that’s an interesting query. The triflin ninja who rocks @ wildmonkeytime versus mister soulmate whose bedgame reeks of fail…
@V Renee,
Say that.
However, it is 2009 and I am 32 (today
). I aint got time to be doin illusions and David Copperfieldin yall. Yall better MAKE it real!!
@nia,
Happy Birthday!
@nia, Hey Happy Birthday!
@nia,
happy b-day and sh*t
@The Champ, Voiceofreason, WuDaMan,
Thx guys.
@nia
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Ima have a shot tonight in your honor!
I’m with you in not doing the illusion sh*t. I WILL get mine! I just wanted to call bs on his assertion that men KNOW, because truly they don’t.
@nia,
Happy bornday, Nia!!
@nia, HAPPY born day!!!
@V Renee,
I’ma ask you like Danny Glover asked Operah in Beloved. ‘What kind of evil you got in heuh woman??’
@The Champ,
“there are certain physiological changes ”
You’re either talking about the “gush” or the rapid contractions. And yes the lightning speed contractions/throb can CERTAINLY be faked. I’m working on the gushing on demand part. But seeing as how I’ve made progress here too, I’m guessing that can also be faked.
No biggie. Sometimes we just want a sandwich too.
@Me fail english?
or a V8.
@V Renee,
*Hi-five*
How long do you think it’ll take for them to draw the correlation between “we can stop our pee” to “we can fake an O” ??
Think about it dudes: we can willfully manipulate those muscles. So that quivering that accompanies the strangely flat “Oh baby?” Yeah. Pretty much all us. Sorry.
@nikiloveli,
VSB.com: Where egos are deflated daily.
@nikiloveli,
So how about we know yall faking it, and let yall fake it for us because we’ve already got ours and already thinking about the sammich with the V8.
When yall ready to stop faking it, then we can actually start tryna put in work…
@BmoreCreative,
For the record, the faking it generally only happens when we weren’t feeling it in the first place. When it comes down to it, though, we can get down with the get down. No faking involved.
@V Renee,
Co-sign.
Excellent list Champ.
I’d add:
*If a man is really excited about seeing you JUST to see and spend some quality time without any inclination of trying to sex you up, he’s really into you.
*There are things more important than booty to us. Ex. New Booty…just kidding, but there is.
*They say that the stomach is the way to a man’s heart so being able to throw down in the kitchen is a great attribute. However, in these days and times, it’s not even about being the greatest cook in the world or being able to cook like mama, but if you are WILLINGNESS to cook on a consistent basis goes further than being the best at it.
@Monk,
great additions
@Monk,
@ asterisk #3 Yo really true.
I’m the type of guy… (stinkin llcoolj lol [cuz I'm so against pigeon holing even though sometimes it's true, seeing as how everybody is more alike than different]) That if you put it in front of me. I’m going to own it!
@WuDaMan,
Pretty much. So if all she can make is reservations, this is a problem. Sheeet. I’ll be happy with a sandwich…most men aren’t that picky.
@Monk, “They say that the stomach is the way to a man’s heart so being able to throw down in the kitchen is a great attribute. However, in these days and times, it’s not even about being the greatest cook in the world or being able to cook like mama, but if you are WILLINGNESS to cook on a consistent basis goes further than being the best at it.”
realest thing ever wrote
@Monk,
correction: “if you are WILLING to cook on a consistent basis, that goes farther than being the best at it.”
@Monk,
The third point is encouraging. Everybody in my family thinks I can cook but everybody’s palette is different. It takes the pressure off to know that it doesn’t have to be banging food, just decent, as long it’s always on fresh on the table…
…unless it’s the summer time. In which case you can help your self to a take-out menu. I aint cookin in that heat!
@Monk,
*If a man is really excited about seeing you JUST to see and spend some quality time without any inclination of trying to sex you up, he’s really into you.
Hmm, I’m not sure this always applies. If I’m excited about seeing someone JUST to see them and spend time with them, they’re just really good friends. What makes it more is when they are female AND I want to s3x them up, in addition to seeing them JUST to see them.
@kamakula,
“I’m excited about seeing someone JUST to see them and spend time with them, they’re just really good friends.”
I agree. I had a guy friend tell me this once. He said, “that the difference bettween a friend and a girlfirend is that not only do I enjoy spending time with her, but the s3x is good.” I think this can work for both genders too.
Again with the peeing in the shower?
WTH? Get it togetha Costanza.
@nia,
I peed in the shower this morning. I made a game out of it I was tryin to hit the imaginary bullseye in the drain.
@Deviant,
*dry heave*
Is #8 really true? The best way to make us happy is to pay more attention to what we say. That way you’ll know what makes us happy and you can act on it with in reason. I know a lot of you think it’s just incoherent babbling when we talk, but if you take the time to understand us you’ll realize it’s not (at least with some of us). Working on expanding you’re emotional range will also help.
@Voiceofreason,
*your emotional range
@Voiceofreason,
Word. this and realizing that women are actually like 3 billion different people would help things along.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told a dude something about myself and they completely ignored because they know how women are I’d buy me a fat sandwich.
@Voiceofreason,
The best way to make us happy is to pay more attention to what we say.
huh?
@The Champ,
I wonder if a throat punch would make you stop peeing midstream?
@Voiceofreason,
that actually sounds like a good experiment to try on someone else
@The Champ,
Why would I throat punch myself? I know I can stop midstream. Don’t let me catch you slippin’ outside of Nat’s/Art’s/Nart’s. Lol.
@Voiceofreason,
“I wonder if a throat punch would make you stop peeing midstream?”
It would.
@miss t-lee,
Now I know what move to do if someone ever tries to pee on me.
@WuDaMan,
Exactly.
@Voiceofreason,
The best way to make us happy is to pay more attention to what we say
you know what would really help? If you guys said less. Keep it short and concise and it would make it easy for us to remember instead of having to weed thru speeches and monologues to find one or two words.
@Deviant,
Just like it would help if we said less, it would help if you said more. Men and women are inherently different so we have to compromise. I personally don’t have a problem keeping it short and sweet with men, but as a general rule, a woman who doesn’t have much to say to you doesn’t give a d@mn about you.
@Voiceofreason,
thats unfortunate
@Deviant,
What part?
@Voiceofreason,
but as a general rule, a woman who doesn’t have much to say to you doesn’t give a d@mn about you
Truth.com. You don’t really want us to stop talkin if you want us around.
@Voiceofreason,
REAL TALK of the DAY.
I wanna send this as a mass text to every jump off I’ve ever had who said, “I like you cause you cool, you don’t talk my head off about shit, you just let it ride. That’s why we good together”
No sir you are my jumpoff. . or Transitional Relationship Liaison (c) ME , if you prefer
Learn something new every day…I didn’t know men couldn’t stop peeing midstream either. God bless kegals!
@luvtheshoes,
I bet they could if they just worked on it. I believe it’s the same muscle that makes their tool “jump”. They have less incentive to exercise it though since they don’t want to stay tight.
This is why when we’re older, women’s pee will rush out like the Niagara and men’s pee will just dribble.
@Me fail english?,
This is why when we’re older, women’s pee will rush out like the Niagara and men’s pee will just dribble.
this is terrible, terrible imagery
5. us being “excited” when you’re wearing sexy lingere has less to do with how you look in it than the fact that we know we’re about to get some. we appreciate the effort though.
Well, hell, if nakedness will do the trick I can save my dang dollas now can’t I? Luckily it makes us feel sexay too, making the s. ex that much better for both of us. See, win-win!
7. we usually wont let you see us flaccid unless we’re convinced that you’re sprung. interpret this whichever way you see fit
Interesting. Now that I think about it there may be a hint of truth to that. Honestly though, flaccid doesnt matter so long as it gets the job done when its ahem, hard.
@Dom,
“Well, hell, if nakedness will do the trick I can save my dang dollas now can’t I? ”
Word. In these tough economic times, I’d be better off saving my dollar-bucks for a nice vacation. Although, my bf does make fun of me when the bra don’t match the panties. Eff him!
@Me fail english?,
just take off the panties and that issue is dead.
@SxyScientst,
Unless of course the curtains don’t match the carpet. Then he got 3 colors to deal wit.
Ok, that was too much. My bad.
@nia,
Bwahaha!
@Ms. Sula, lol…i’m now stumped! But what if you don’t have a *ahem* carpet? Eff that…tell your boyfriend to kick rocks! I can’t think this hard on a monday…
@Dom,
Luckily it makes us feel sexay too, making the s. ex that much better for both of us. See, win-win
this is why we appreciate the effort. trust me, whether its some vickys thongs or a beat baby tee with your great aunts drawls, as long as we know we’re about to get some, we’re happy
@Dom,
“if nakedness will do the trick I can save my dang dollas now can’t I? Luckily it makes us feel sexay too, making the s. ex that much better for both of us. See, win-win!”
Seeing you naked with whip cream, chocolate syrup, or fruit covering your private parts is better than watching you take off your $90 Fredericks of Hollywood outfit. I think women feel sexy naked with edible items on them a dude can lick off, no?
@Monk,
Thanks for the tip slick!
@Dom,
Thanks for the tip slick!
………………………………
@The Champ,
????????????????????????
Hello Sugartitts!
**doing superstar pose**
@Monk,
that sounds messy lol
Some of the men I know seem to think that lingerie is for the woman. The woman feels sexy. He said men careless about what your wearing but how quickly they can get in on the floor.
* random woman walks by
*me- that dress is nice
*he- yeah, it would look good on my floor.
I will be wearing more Booth 4-n-1 lotion and less Victoria S. spring collection.
@The Dutchess,
I always knew this about men which is why I don’t waste my money on pricey lingerie. I make sure it’s cute and that it matches, but that’s for me. It just makes me feel more confident.
@The Dutchess,
Some of the men I know seem to think that lingerie is for the woman. The woman feels sexy. He said men careless about what your wearing but how quickly they can get in on the floor.
smart man. definitely a vsb
@The Dutchess,
See my above comment in #24. I think we agree much.
A variety of finger snaps and enthusiastic claps (not “the clap”) for this post. 2,3,5,6,7 are critical. Dating history is like an employment track record…cept I can’t go around verifying references and ish. That looks…umm…sketchy.
@Slim Jackson,
thanks and sh*t, slim. btw, i’m surprised #3 hasn’t been addressed in the comments yet.
@The Champ
You know women, they just ignore the ish they don’t want to justify. There’s truth to it, but we (meaning I) don’t feel like debating it because we may lose the argument. LMAO.
Wait a minute, you have quite a few R. Kelly references in this post. Older men liking under age girls. Golden showers. Recycling/bump n’ grind. Tossing salads……..
Robert is that you???
@V Renee,
LMAO! V Renee, please make ur way to the Corner. Do not turch them $200 either!
@V Renee,
@The Champ,
I don’t know of any women who consistently date older men and then complain about men who date younger women. If a woman gets upset about #3 it’s probably because she is aging and thinks her looks are fading and her time is running out
or would prefer a man her age and feels like the jits are invading her territory.
@The Champ,
I’m thinking its cuz the women who like old ass men aint the ones who think get grossed out by the Hef-type relationships…Like 3 billion different ppl and sh)t.
@Me fail english?,
Yeah. I personally can’t see myself with a man much older than me. If you were in middle school or high school before I was born then you need not apply.
@Me fail english?,
i’m not necessarily referring to hefner-esque extremes, but a 26 year old women who’s cool with dating a 32 year old man, but would think it was lame if a guy her age dated a college senior.
@The Champ,
Yeah I’m just an extra person all around so I stated it in extremes. I get what you mean. I don’t know many women who bag more established, older dudes that also have a problem with men bagging less established, younger women. Esp. if the younger woman in question is past her “barely legal” stage
@Me fail english?,
Pretty much. I have no qualms with my age-mates dating younger women… I prefer older men so I totally understand why they’ll go for younger women (or why the younger women would go for them)…
“5. us being “excited” when you’re wearing sexy lingere has less to do with how you look in it than the fact that we know we’re about to get some. we appreciate the effort though.”
So, if a chick is wearing her old baggy t-shirt and grandma panties, but it’s been confirmed that you’re getting come…then you get just as excited? The package don’t matter?
Because if not, then what’s the fascination with Vicky’s Secret? If ya’ll can ogle at these ladies, is it different when it’s your own girl? Even assuming that she looks even halfway like the girls in the catalogue?
@Cheekie,
Y’all keep Vickies in bidness. We really ain’t trippin’ off the package. We also realize that it makes YOU feel sexier. If you feel sexier then…well, read the post again…
Yay
@Cheekie,
So, if a chick is wearing her old baggy t-shirt and grandma panties, but it’s been confirmed that you’re getting come…then you get just as excited? The package don’t matter?
bingo.
the only package that matters is you, or, more specifically, what you’re actually bringing to the attractiveness table.
this also speaks to why we might “ogle” at those catalog chicks. it has nothing to do with what they’re wearing and everything to do with them. guys like looking at attractive women, regardless of whether they’re rocking thongs or turtleneck sweaters.
@Cheekie,
Again, see my comment to #24. The lingerie is strictly for the women…to make them feel sexier adding a sheer energy boost that’s bound to come across when engaging in the physical act. But there are ways to achieve this in a more frugal and sexiER way if you ask me.
@Monk,
I actually agree that it makes US feel sexy. That “soft and pink” as they say.
Also, co-sign on the more frugal way to be sexy. It can be done. It’s called “butt naked”.
@Cheekie,
Another popular version: his shirt (unbuttoned), his tie, your 3.5″ stilettos.
@Nikiloveli,
*begins slow clap*
Wow. This is some of the best advice ever.
@REPEAT!
@Cheekie,
who oogies Vickys secret for the clothes? the packages dont matter as long as it isnt so bad it detracts from the prize (i.e. smells or is dirty)
@Deviant,
“who oogies Vickys secret for the clothes?”
Not really my point. I really meant it was the girls IN the clothes. There’s a difference. I’m not saying ya’ll would look at Vicky’s if it just had the bra/panties displayed on a table or a hanger.
I just find it interesting that the lingerie don’t really matter. Take a woman in heels for example. Now I KNOW mofos left and right love a woman in heels. It makes a sexy woman look even sexier right? Okay, same thing with lingerie.
@Cheekie,
nope. i dont give a sheet about your shoes either.
@Deviant,
And ya’ll say WE are inconsistent. SMH
Seriously, though, I get that the woman is what primarily matters, but if women just walked around in their sweats 24/7, ya’ll would be some
whinin’complainin’ mofos. What about the discussion about woman who becomes to complacent once she nabs the boo (i.e. stop doing her hair as much, not wearing sexier clothes, etc)? That ish DOES matter because there’s been blogs upon blogs stating so.@Cheekie,
What about the discussion about woman who becomes to complacent once she nabs the boo (i.e. stop doing her hair as much, not wearing sexier clothes, etc)? That ish DOES matter because there’s been blogs upon blogs stating so.
i havent read these blogs, but i think you’re mis-reading them.
the “complacency” does matter, but if a guy complains about a woman letting herself go it has nothing to do with her missing a hair appointment or three and everything to do with unreasonable weight gain.
fair? no. cold? maybe. true? definitely.
@Champ,
Hmm…alrighty ,then.
@Cheekie,
About the whole heels/ lingerie thing: it’s definitely an added bonus if the woman is wearing them but only if she feels sexy about herself. If she’s wearing them and her attitude about the act is nonchalant, then the heels/ lingerie (imho) is no big deal at all.
In summation…
A woman with all the Vickie’s crap and eff me heels who’s blase or too busy worrying about messing her hair up< A woman with a (clean) old t-shirt on who came to the session SPECIFICALLY to break a sweat and to be completely hoarse when we finish…
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
Gotcha.
@Cheekie,
The Vicky’s and Frederick’s of the world don’t really light my loins on fire. If she hops in bed with some sweats and a long old t-shirt, I know that it’s just gonna be easy to get to her good stuff. That’s enough to get me revved up.
My name is Saule Wright, and I approve this message.
You’re probably not the hottest, nicest, funniest, whatever woman we know (I’ve seen you EVERY day, know someone working in Africa, and heard that joke already). So quit asking, you don’t want the name of the three separate women I’d come up with.
I swear I learn so much from you brothas…