Vindication: The 4-Minute (S)Mile
If you’re a cat who’s girl has gotten on him about coming up short in the sack, fret no more. In fact, if you can give her at least 3 minutes of that good lovin’ then you’re giving her all she needs. According to CNN, the optimal amount of time for a sexual encounter-not including foreplay-lasts anywhere from 3 to 13 minutes.
Go on ahead and read the article. Quick now, I’ll wait.
*humming Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever”*
Yes, you read that correctly.
Me love you long time like hell!
You know what that means right? If you’ve been doing-the-Draino for 15 minutes, well pimpin’, you’re definitely going out of your way. Hell, she should be making you steak sandwiches.
Speaking of steak, from here on out, every time I hit 14 minutes I’m going to start humming “Chariots of Fire” and then delve right into Kanye West’s “Champion”.
This also means that there are a lot of liars out their in the world. “Girl, I need a man who can go 8 hours…minimum!”
“I don’t even be gettin’ mines unless I stroke for like 2 hours…STRAIGHT.”
Which begs the question, if the optimal amount of time is so short, why in the hell do women have the audacity to be disappointed because dude only gave her 10 minutes of the long stroke? Technically, you should feel blessed that he decided to give you 7 more minutes than was required. In fact fellas, take further solace in the fact that you can pretty much put a smile on her face in 4 minutes and not really miss any of the game that just went into halftime. Shucks if you’re feeling froggy, you can give her the Colgate smile, take a shower, cook a meal, and STILL not really miss any action.
Now ladies I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way in hell you can get yours in 3-13 minutes. And to you I say…you’re a lie. Granted, 3 minutes would suck as a sexual encounter, however, I’ve known I’ve heard of women who’ve been able to get theirs well within that 13 minute period, sometimes more than once…leaving ME men, still trying to get my their jollies.
Bottom line here, dudes, don’t even worry about trying to show her that you can go all night. As long as you can do better than optimal (say 14 minutes of that good long strokin’), then she should shut the smurf up, have a Coke, then smile.
“don’t get mad ladies…I’m only being real…”
And for you anti-geniuses, optimal means most favorable.