Dating, Relationships, & Sex

Vindication: The 4-Minute (S)Mile

If you’re a cat who’s girl has gotten on him about coming up short in the sack, fret no more. In fact, if you can give her at least 3 minutes of that good lovin’ then you’re giving her all she needs. According to CNN, the optimal amount of time for a sexual encounter-not including foreplay-lasts anywhere from 3 to 13 minutes.

Go on ahead and read the article. Quick now, I’ll wait.

*humming Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever”*

Yes, you read that correctly.

Me love you long time like hell!

You know what that means right? If you’ve been doing-the-Draino for 15 minutes, well pimpin’, you’re definitely going out of your way. Hell, she should be making you steak sandwiches.

Speaking of steak, from here on out, every time I hit 14 minutes I’m going to start humming “Chariots of Fire” and then delve right into Kanye West’s “Champion”.

This also means that there are a lot of liars out their in the world. “Girl, I need a man who can go 8 hours…minimum!”


“I don’t even be gettin’ mines unless I stroke for like 2 hours…STRAIGHT.”

Yeah…okay, dude.

Which begs the question, if the optimal amount of time is so short, why in the hell do women have the audacity to be disappointed because dude only gave her 10 minutes of the long stroke? Technically, you should feel blessed that he decided to give you 7 more minutes than was required. In fact fellas, take further solace in the fact that you can pretty much put a smile on her face in 4 minutes and not really miss any of the game that just went into halftime. Shucks if you’re feeling froggy, you can give her the Colgate smile, take a shower, cook a meal, and STILL not really miss any action.

Now ladies I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way in hell you can get yours in 3-13 minutes. And to you I say…you’re a lie. Granted, 3 minutes would suck as a sexual encounter, however, I’ve known I’ve heard of women who’ve been able to get theirs well within that 13 minute period, sometimes more than once…leaving ME men, still trying to get my their jollies.

Bottom line here, dudes, don’t even worry about trying to show her that you can go all night. As long as you can do better than optimal (say 14 minutes of that good long strokin’), then she should shut the smurf up, have a Coke, then smile.

“don’t get mad ladies…I’m only being real…”

And for you anti-geniuses, optimal means most favorable.

The end.


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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Liz

    I wish somebody WOULD bring 3-minute game to the court.

  • http://itllbereadyoneofthesedays The Killa

    LOL…mannnn…no matter how many studies say this, you KNOW the ladies ain’t gonna believe it or agree with it….

    Plus time is a a perspective thing…you know? “But…but… felt like 20 minutes!!!!”….AND IT DOES!!! When in reality it was like 3 minutes…I’m not saying that’s me…cuz you know! The Killa is…well THE KILLA…just saying!

  • thechamp

    you know, when you combine that with this…

    “…But Daniels, Trojan’s vice president of marketing, divulges a potentially devastating secret: The Magnum isn’t any larger than Trojan’s other condoms. Its comfortable fit is due to an innovative “baseball bat” shape. The length and circumference are identical to those of other lines…”


    …lets just say that theres ALOT of frontin going on about what actually happens in the bedroom.

    • Liz

      See, but this is where the Magnum XL comes in and takes the trophy. From what I’ve heard. Just sayin. Ahem.

    • Xquizzyt1

      I KNEW IT!!!

      I know someone who buys Magnums exclusively claiming that they are more comfortable… and umm… as I shared with a friend… he’s more of a .22 than a Magnum. ROFLMAO

  • aja

    I cant even comment on this maddness..

    3 – 13 mins? Damn homie gotta come stronger than that w/ me. *literally*

  • Anechoic

    I for one was glad to read that news report. Because frankly, sometimes you just need to get some sleep.

    • calina


  • Elle

    Well, I hate to admit it, but hey, I work 13 hour days and I prefer to be in bed by 10pm. Ten good minutes of play coupled with a a hint of foreplay can get me through most weeknights. I need my sleep.

    The weekends are a different story. Sometimes.

    • The Champ

      see, this is what I’m talking about. when you’re having sex on a regular basis (at least 3 times per week is my definition of “regular”) most sessions aren’t gonna be marathons. I honestly think that, like p alluded in the post, excessively idealistic assumptions about sex is a true sign of someone who isn’t getting very much of it

      • Liz

        If that’s true then I guess it all evens out in the end? Or perhaps it’s different for single people vs. coupled people?

  • panama

    6 minutes panama, you’re on…o-o-on, o-o-on…

    i got 5 on it just took on a whole different meaning.

    • ladyb

      o- o- on… on baby on…

      what you know ’bout that df?!

  • The Queen

    Ummmm, this research is clearly done by a group of men who last three minutes and needed a self-esteem boost for their sexual performance. lol I’m convinced.

    Three minutes just sounds depressing.

    @The Champ – So the Magnum comment is very interesting. I wonder if every man buys a pack of Magnums at least once and tries them on to see if they can fill one out? If they really are the same size as regular condoms, it has to suck if they don’t fit huh? lol

    • The Champ

      the guy in the article spoke on how the popularity of the magnum has more to do with its “mystique” with its shiny wrapper, than anything else. The preference is more of a psychological/mental than physical thing

    • D*stroy

      Queen–LOL! Yeah, that has to suck. And to go back to one of the comments from the other topics…it must suck even more if that bad boy covers your balls. damn, damn, damn! That’s when abstinence becomes the only reasonable form of protection (from disease/pregnancy and ridicule).

  • panama

    @The Queen – See, the article says that for men AND women the optimal time is 3 to 13 minutes. Hell, they gave the women the stopwatches. Truth be told, women who swear up and down you need long ass marathon sessions all the time anyway are just selfish bastards who dont care about global warming or littering – and probably not getting any anyway.

    • Ms. Freckles

      Panama is smoking ganja (sp?)!!!! Slefish my arse…that a crock of shat! If that’s the case…women need to cut the BJ time down from 2 minutes to 30 seconds…lol…heck, it’s enough right?

      • Ms. Freckles

        That should have said *selfish (lol)

      • panama

        actually, the article made no mention of foreplay of which a BJ would fall squarely. however, i think the point the article alludes to is that it would seem that you probably get diminishing returns after a certain point, hence the optimal time.

        why go for 45 minutes when all the benefit was received after 15. at some point you’re just humping cuz you have nothing better to do.

        • Ms. Freckles


          15 minutes just isn’t enough unless you’re on the side of 495 and trying to get a quickie (key word: quickie) in before the cops pull up behind you.

      • Xquizzyt1

        I heard that if you’re working the BJ, then from the time you start til the time you hear, “Wait! Wait! Wait!!!” Should only be a little over 30 seconds anyway! LOL *shrugging* That’s just what I heard. LOL

  • D*stroy

    This new empirical data opens up a lot of possibilities…I think I’m going to test drive a new pick-up line (just for kicks): “Look here sweet thang, I’m going to cut to the chase…research shows that on average it only takes about three minutes to put a young lass, like yo’self, ‘to bed’. And since I’m an overachiever, all I need is about half that. When you’re ready to have your life changed for the better…holla!”

    • Grayse

      LOLOL… That ranks up there with “Wait til you see my…..” as one of the top worst pick up lines- but still entertaining.