“Dating Naked” Is Impossible As Sh*t » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Pop Culture

“Dating Naked” Is Impossible As Sh*t

VH1 screenshot

 

HOLY TESTICLES HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE PREVIEWS FOR THIS FUCKING SHOW? Is this really what we’ve come to, bro? Watching two people’s blurred-out genitalia awkwardly eating popcorn shrimp across the Red Lobster booth from one another!? I’m just as dumb as the next asshole, but what kind of person signs up for this shit? Am I insane for thinking this sounds kind of stupid? And I ask that as a person who watched every single episode of Flavor of Love, unashamed.

From VH1’s website:

A new social experiment provides daters with a radical dating experience where before they bare their souls they bare everything else first. Each week on a primitive island resort, far from the masks of modern society, daters will go on exotic dates and be naked every step of the way.

We will follow along as two primitive daters each go on a total of three naked dates, including their first date with each other. At the end of this experience they’ll choose which of their naked dates they would like to continue dating back home. Clothing will of course be optional.

Naked daters will bare their soul and a whole lot more in this groundbreaking dating experiment.

LOL forever at “groundbreaking.” Now I wanna do it, tho. I don’t know, maybe this is the best way to really get to know a person. Maybe I should fill out an application and see what’s up.

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY VAGINAL DISCHARGE?

Listen. I’m not wearing panties stuffed full of extra-long overnight dri-weave moisture-lock technology because it’s cute, this shit is awkwardly sticking to the inside of my thigh because it’s going to look like a used coffee filter at the end of the workday. Where does this go if I am naked?

WHAT IF MY NIPPLES GET CAUGHT IN THE SEATBELT?

This is a very real possibility. Okay, so it’s date night. And dude is idling at the curb with his hazards on because there’s no goddamned parking in my stupid neighborhood and he’s already circled my block six times and is getting frustrated because it’s summer and his balls are sticking to the seat and that’s making him hate me a little bit already. I come out of my building wearing little more than sunscreen and an unconvincing smile. I get in his car and try to avoid looking in the direction of his flaccid penis while trying to keep my butt cheeks closed against his fancy leather seat. I don’t plan on fastening the seatbelt because that shit is hella awkward even when you’re wearing clothes, but his car has one of those stupid sensors that beeps increasingly loud the longer I sit there with the shit undone until I finally sigh and fumble to snap it into place. And then Bam! Dude hits a pothole and my parts shift and now my nipple is twisted and not in the hot way. Nipples are sensitive, dude. Nipples need shirts.

WHAT IF HE IS GROSSED OUT BY MY STOMACH HAIRS?

Once you hit 30 (or in my case, 17) your body rapidly devolves into the kind of situation that is served best by a little explanation prior to its naked viewing. I guess what I’m saying is is that I have never had to explain all of my weird moles within making the acquaintance of a new friend and the prospect of that fills me with anxiety.

WHAT IF HE REALLY ENJOYS MY “PERSONALITY”?

I don’t know how erections work. Do men have mind control over their penises, or does it just happen automatically, leaving them helpless and at the mercy of their raging boners? I also can’t help being so goddamned sexy, which is sure to make for a few uncomfortable exchanges with no slacks to obscure just how much he loves listening to me talk about clipping my fingernails or my conspiracy theories concerning John Cena’s reign as WWE champion. Ordinarily, I’d be forced to use my context clues to figure out that he’s become instantly smitten with me (that’s what it means when they yawn while you’re talking, right?), but if his dick is RIGHT THERE pointing due north am I just supposed to ignore it? Send him to the nearest public restroom to, I don’t know, deal with it? Stop being so motherfucking sexy? (just kidding it’s impossible for me to stop being sexy I mean come on.)

WHAT IF I HAVE TO POOP? THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION.

Okay fine, I would never do this. But I’ll watch it. Especially if I don’t have anything better to do on a Wednesday like read or watch the news. And you can come by when it’s on and we’ll post a million jokes on Facebook and maybe eat some ribs. Or any other food that requires clothing when you eat it. NIPPLES NEED SHIRTS.

Samantha Irby

Samantha Irby writes a blog called bitches gotta eat and recently published a book of essays called "meaty."

  • Erections can occur without arousal yes. Happens to me all day which is why I couldn’t do this.

    • Val

      Hottodding?

      • Sahel

        Nah,it’s actually normal. Blood has to pass through the Rock. It ain’t always about the shag.

        • LMNOP

          It starts in very early childhood too. It’s a normal thing.

      • Me? Never.

      • Hottodding ™ is a trademark jointly held by Delevan Street Biosciences and the Board of Trustees of Rutgers-The State University of New Jersey, Campus at New Brunswick. All Rights Reserved.

        • Hot Todding belongs to the people *Bane voice*

          • Val

            Actually I think it belongs to Bunni.

            • Who got the idea from me, thanks! If it wasn’t for my comments, she wouldn’t have come up with the concept. Besides, would you deny the opportunity to fund college scholarships for Black college students? Click on the link, and learn more about the James Dickson Carr Scholarship program. ;-)

            • THANK YOU!!! Black man tryna steal from the lil spanish lady. DAS RACIST!!!

              • Val

                I got ‘ya back! :-)

        • Sahel

          Not much of a libby are you,if you are taking away from the people

          • Intellectual property rights is a part of libertarianism. :)

        • quit lying to these ppl and stealing my intellectual property….BUNNI MARIA OWNS DIS SHYT. Violators will catch a smooth fade on sight.

          • But are you going to deny college scholarship funds to our children? Think of the student loans that would be incurred otherwise? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! :)

            • You can speak to my lawyer sir. Using a charity as a guise for your fuckery just like Kenya Moore….I got my eye on you!! #thief

          • LMNOP

            Bunni has witnesses too. Like me.

        • +1 for RU! My alma mater. Aaah, how I miss home :)

      • Why don’t you follow me on tumblr?

        • Val

          Okay, I will.

  • kidvideo

    Perfect post for a friday.

    I would love too hang out on a nude beach, but id rather it be one of those european ones with a moderate number of women doing same…not a sausage fest and one okay looking chick.

    • Man i went to a nude park once in Germany (i think it was Munich) and the only people walking around naked were people you didn’t wanna see. There was this old man just taking a stroll right in the middle of park waving at people, wearing nothing but a smile. He was the only one excited about him being naked.

  • My nipples are constantly on 100. I could never do this lest I slice up my date’s chest while going in for a hug :-( I also don’t like looking at soft paynus. That’s one of the most unattractive things on the human body for me. Nah. I’m good. This show is very telling of how weak television producers are in this day and age. What 40+ year old dreamt this up and actually sold it to VH1 Executives???????

    I guess I can’t knock the hustle I suppose.

    ETA: I’m happy to be gainfully employed but I can’t ever be an active participant of VSB during the peak hours of 10am-1pm :-( :-( :-(

    • kidvideo

      Lol…i take it ur nips look like Rudolph’s nose;-p

      • Yes :-( Well padded bras can’t even contain them sometimes….it’s really embarrassing when I don’t need them to be so prominent.

        • kidvideo

          #firstworldproblems

        • LMNOP

          This used to happen to me all the time before childbearing and gravity necessitated the purchase of bras with much thicker fabric. Concerned female friends would sometimes point it out to me in that “I am so embarrassed for you” tone, but I feel like it’s not that serious. Everyone already knows you have nipples, I don’t get why we have to put in so much effort into pretending we don’t. And what if you get cold easily? Being cold is part of life .

    • Sahel

      This nipple thing is a gift,use it. Be the best you can be

    • Our loss! Happy you can pay your bills and isht tho!

      • She just don’t love us no more.

      • IcePrincess

        Omg your avi is too darn pretty! Nothing like a classic white shirt to say “I mean business” lol

        • Thank you! :)

    • Lea Thrace

      Congrats. Ability to pay bills is ALWAYS a good thing.

  • LadyIbaka

    That is soooo hard to do. I’d stay looking at his flaccid. To be honest, we can’t have a conversation centered on politics or academia. Oh wait, we could do academia, mathematics specifically. Mmmhhh,
    I’d ask to calculate the circumference, radius, and length of his thing thang. Ooweee, forgot about doing THE biological experiment. Forgive me, sociology would also come into play, because well our anatomies would be socializing too. So pardon me, yes it is possible to have a deep conversation alright.

  • nillalatte

    Pass. I like modesty.

    • Slickchick

      Agree. I would also love to not read about vaginal discharge or menstrual clots on a man’s mustache. So, I guess my prudish a$$ will stick to the other VSB writers.

      • Chris Streetz Poet Bright

        Yea…that imagery was stuck in my head for a minute… like they were trying to ruin sex for me smh

        • camilleblu

          lol

      • IcePrincess

        When I first glanced at your screen name, I read it as “sidechick” lmfaooooo

      • Ditto. The vaginal discharge comment left me a bit uncomfortable.

        • Kema

          I re-read it like 3 times cause I was sure I misread it.

          • I was cleaning my house yesterday and was like, “Man, she mentioned vaginal discharge in a blog?” It’s something you don’t hear everyday — definitely takes some getting used to.

      • nillalatte

        And, some curse too much for me. A little more thought, a little less vulgar language. Don’t get me wrong, SOME curse words enhance the meaning and are okay. Others are just used, and overused.

  • PaddyfotePrincess

    No
    Non
    Niet
    Nej
    Nao
    Nie
    Na
    Nai

    Just…hayell no.

    • tgtaggie

      My reaction when I saw the previews….

  • SweetSass

    Has anyone seen the show ‘Naked and Afraid’? Smh, white people.

    • Sahel

      That show is quite informative if you look past the nudity. it’s stuff that people should know just incase

      • Rawtid

        it is!

      • SweetSass

        I’ll remember that when I’m nekkit and alone in the Borneo wilderness.

    • CrayolaGirl

      Briefly. It’s naked Survivor without the teams/games.

    • Freebird

      Half way thru a season. Someone is going to lose their life on that show.

    • Rawtid

      i love that show

  • Rachmo

    The face the writer is making in her bio? Is the EXACT same face I made when I saw the commercials. No thank you VH1

  • CrayolaGirl

    Nope. Questions. That’s all I have and I won’t watch to have them answered.

    Why? Are the the participants from nudist camps? If not, what are they getting that dating with clothes didn’t give them? Can they fashion clothes from dinner napkins or is that against the rules? Are they really going to regular a$$ restaurants?

    So many questions.

    • afronica

      Are they giving the male participants something to keep things…down during the dates? Are they planning on having older people participate cuz droop (body parts and, therefore, ratings)? Questions that will never be answered because I refuse to watch.

  • Aly

    Ahhh, Samantha’s back! My favorite new VSB writer.

    I see this show as being similar to having sex on the first date. Get all of the chexual tension/awkward sh!t out of the way from jump. Something I may or may not have done myself…

    • IcePrincess

      Loooool #firstnightgangsta

      • Aly

        Hey Ice! I mean, if we’re both feeling it *shrug*

        • IcePrincess

          Agreed. Societal rules be damned! Plus I know you & I are the type that can keep them coming back regardless ;)

          • Hi.

            • IcePrincess

              Loooool bye! Aye, did u ever listen to dat song I told u about? U didn’t.

              • In fact i did…he kinda reminds me of Childish Gambino

                • IcePrincess

                  Ok ok, I give u dat

    • Been there done that…..ironically enough it was her who then stopped caring about dates and became a “come thru” texter

      • Aly

        Ha! I guess that’s a risk.

      • nillalatte

        “Come thru texter”… LOL… back in the day it was beepers! Yeah, I’m just gonna let that go……

    • afronica

      Samantha and Alex are running neck and neck for me.

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