Theory & Essay

You Don’t Need My Girl’s Number, But I May Need To Call Your Boy!

Has nothing to do with the post, I just think this is good advice.

**UPDATE: If you are interested in attending the Election Night Watch Party with VSB, Urban Cusp, IMPACT, and The Root DC, please RSVP as we opened it up to a few more individuals.**

This isn’t about double standards…thought it clearly is one.

This isn’t about cognitive dissonance…though the dissonance is clearly cognitive.

(Sidenote: I’d never heard the term “cognitive dissonance” until I saw Champ use it here at some point, noticing that along with “narrative” it had become one of his favorite terms. I had to look it up every single time I saw it, getting to the point where I had to attempt to create scenarios where the term fit in order to understand the idea. I’m not proud of this and am much smarter than those words illustrate, but I thought I’d share anyway. Thank you.)

I’m one of those chaps with good friends, especially my boys. Everything I do, I do it for my crew ya know. It’s all strictly for my N.I.*.*.A.Z., ya dig? For the most part, if the women I’m dating meet my boys, pretty shortly afterwards they mention how cool my friends are and how much they can tell that I have real friends. If we make it to real dating status and all that jazz, there’s a very good chance that my ladyfriends will come to love hanging out with my hombres and likely come to call them friends as well.

In fact, upon breaking up with an ex some many years ago, she SPECIFICALLY said that while she understood that we were breaking up, she had to be able to still be friends with one of my boys…she patently refused to give up that friendship. We are all still friends to this day. This happened.

Not only has this phenomenon NOT happened in reverse for me – not that I never think that the women I date have good friends or cool friends or anything, of course they are – I can’t see it ever happening to any man. In fact, I tend to keep my lady friends friends are arm’s lengths. Why?

Women don’t trust anybody.

Yet somehow, women, specifically the ones I’ve dated, have seen nothing wrong at all with getting the phone numbers of my boys and/or going out to eat lunch with them, etc. Of course, I know about it all – none of this is suspicious or a surprise. But I can’t even imagine finding a good reason to get the phone number of one of my girlfriends friends. Actually, that’s not true. There’s always the “here, take Such-n-Such’s number because my phone is about to die” situation that arises, but even then I never think to actually use the number outside of the intended or specific purpose.

But I don’t think that most women would see anything wrong, suspicious, or even remotely odd about keeping in touch with their boyfriend’s homeboys – as long as the friend is a REAL friend. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself and I’ve got the most trustworthy group of friends on the planet (possible).

Picture me rollin…

I asked other women about this because I was curious and while none of them said that they are like friends-friends (you know when you repeat the words twice, it’s like really real) almost 90 percent of them DID have the phone number of one or more of their man’s friends. The same did not hold for the opposite unless they were established friends from way back. So basically, new guy and gal start dating, it’s highly likely that if some sh*t goes down, gal will have guy’s boys number to call to help guy get right.

The opposite? Sheiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Guy better hit up Twitter – which, no bullsh*t, is just as good as text messaging nowadays. Maybe not “just as” but if its definitely 1B.

Anyway, good folks of VSB, can somebody explain this phenomenon to me? Does this all come down to women’s lack of trusting any other woman on the planet but trusting themselves so its okay? Fellas, do you have your girlfriend’s friends info and use it with any frequency whatsoever? Ladies, do you (or would you) all have your boyfriend’s friends’ information and use it?

Holla if ya hear me. Inquiring minds would like to know.

Water.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I’LL JUST TWEET YOU aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

FOR THE DMV VSBers: Tomorrow night, ELECTION NIGHT 2012, November 6, 2012, VSB along with Urban Cusp, IMPACT, The Root DC, and WPGC will be hosting an Watch Party event at the Washington Post. The RSVPs are sold out at this point but check back over the course of the day to see if we open the floor to more individuals as we will be shunnin’ ninjas at the door. Anyway, peep the flyer, just sharing for now. If you already RSVP’d, we can’t wait to celebrate (hopeful) victory!

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is a co-founder of VSB and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • Mo-VSS

    Nope. I’m not staying friends with his friends. We don’t have to be enemies but I don’t need that type of stress in my life. If I broke up with him and he wasn’t ready, then his boy might try to be his advocate. If he broke up with me and I wasn’t ready, I let emotion lead me into hanging on to that friendship for ulterior motives.

    I’m not saying that those who do stay in touch are wrong or bad or have ulterior motives. I just know that for me it’s a no-go. Also, I don’t really want my friend’s exes staying in contact with me either. I’ve had some of my friend’s exes try that whole “you’re cool and we should stay in touch.” I’m always leery of that, especially if I value my friendship with my friend over a friendship with their ex…which is usually the case.

    Unless I was friends with him before, there’s no need for us to continue that after the fact of a break up with my friend. Just my thoughts. I’m sure others have contrary experiences.

    Oh…and hello everyone :D

    • nillalatte

      Mo! You’re back! :D

    • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

      I remember you. Love the new avi.

      • Iceprincess2

        Wudup my Missouri brethren?!

        • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

          I’m from Chicago, Illinois. How dare you say Missouri? Explain yourself.

          • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

            Illinois, Missouri, same thing, right? :-)

            • Iceprincess2

              I was talking to Mo-vss!

            • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

              WHAT?!?!? TO THE CORNER WITH YOU!!!!

              • http://M.shoaibhussean.com Shoaib

                Apna number sent kro

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            I prefer my states with English names, not Native American names. ;)

            • Iceprincess2

              Such a NY snob, you & Malik lol

              • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

                For you ice royalty…
                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfA7QUDxdZE

                IF YOU FROM NEW YORK STAND UP RIGHT NOW!!!

                • Rewind

                  Bloooooooooooooooooodcloooooot

                • Asiyah

                  HERE!!!!!! STANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                • Yoles

                  Rap, BrapB

          • Mo-VSS

            L.M.A.O.

            And I’m from the Midwest, just not IL or Missouri

            • Iceprincess2

              Oh snap I stand corrected!

              • Rewind

                In yo face!

              • Mo-VSS

                Lol, no worries. I definitely stick with my Midwestern folks though :)

    • Asiyah

      “Nope. I’m not staying friends with his friends. We don’t have to be enemies but I don’t need that type of stress in my life. If I broke up with him and he wasn’t ready, then his boy might try to be his advocate. If he broke up with me and I wasn’t ready, I let emotion lead me into hanging on to that friendship for ulterior motives.”

      ^^^THIS!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      awww…welcome back.

    • Lange

      It doesn’t matter how the friendship was establish, just because the relationship wasn’t not maintain, that’s not a reason to cut someone off. But if they were a friend in disguise for future INTENTION❤❤❤,that’s something different. But a friend is a friend

  • Cheech

    see I legitimately only had my gf’s friends numbers if they were my friends first, otherwise it always came off kind of odd when you would ask for numbers. Heck I didn’t even call them when i had group assignments with them just because I knew how it would look.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    i have the number of a couple of my girl’s friends. they’re cool people. i also have a couple of their gchat handles as well. i don’t call them up just to shoot the sh*t but i do have it nonetheless. she has pretty trustworthy friends and i’m not bout to do anything shady so i don’t think its a problem.

    i have had gf’s in the past that i didn’t want their friends contact information. it would have just been recipe for disaster.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      see, i’ve got none of those. and honestly, i dont EVER remember having any of those things with any ex unless her friends were my friends before we started dating.

  • Tanisha

    I , for one, wouldn’t trust my friends with my man’s number. Once another girl see’s you’ve got a good thing, they start to want a “good thing” too….and it’s all good, as long as that “good thing” is NOT my man. On the flip side, you must have some FANTASTIC friends because most guys I know would try to get with your woman behind your back.
    It’s all good if we’re hanging out in a group, but I can’t ever see myself hanging out one on one with my man’s friends unless we were planning a surprise party or just happened to get lost somewhere on accident. It’s not that I’m SUPER distrustful, I just don’t like to give people too much room to deviate. People tend to deviate…very easily.

    • Iceprincess2

      You need to hang around better ppl. Grown ppl.

      • Anastasia!!!

        CO-SIGN. Clearly Tanisha,your people aren’t about that life because if you have that little amount of trust, you need to examine your company!

        • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

          We might need Iyanla to fix this

          • Iceprincess2

            BOL!

          • Keisha Brown

            Lol. Well played.

          • Mo-VSS

            That show is a mess.

            Lol

            • Sweet GA Brown

              The grab ppl and squeezes them until they have no choice but to cry. I understand the therapy in holding someone but damn.

        • http://twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

          *Nod of approval*

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          Agreed. If you have a clique that sheisty that the dudes will scoop on their boy’s woman (and not merely some chick he’s sleeping with), you got yourself a warped situation.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      I can understand this Tanisha. It’s not about trust necessarily but what you’ve seen your friends do in the past. I trust my friends wouldn’t do certain things to me but I understand the idea of not creating temptation…

    • Rewind

      Everybody has to come to realization that if you has shiesty friends, then you allowed them to be there. If you believe you don’t share the negative traits of your friends, what is so important about your friendship that you are willing to overlook something so bad about them?

      If we are really adults, we have to have the answer to that question.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      while i think this is tragic as hell that you dont trust your friends, i do wonder how many women actually feel this way. and is this something that changes with age. i can see young chicks feeling this way, but do older women also succumb tothis same methodology?

      • Rewind

        Because the more things change, the more they stay the same.

        My whole life, I’ve been asking women why do they mistrust other women, especially friends. No one has a real answer. All they say is “that’s just how women are, you can’t trust them, they are catty, they are sneaky, etc”.

        Unless every woman is being taught the same thing since birth…that can’t be true. I understand that stereotypes are definitely taught to children by their parents, but you can’t tell me some people can’t grow to identify themselves and lean away from negative stereotypes.

        • namia

          personally..i have the best gal friends ever i would try them with my life….my man,my kids..but i get what ur saying about women and trusting other women. .my.mum.still doesnt get why i trust my gals so much..she goes like..u shdnt trust women..

          • namia

            trust…sorry!

          • Rewind

            I’m just saying, if I have to live life looking over my shoulders every day, I would never want to deal with people at all, I’d rather be alone. Yet somehow that mentality is brought to a relationship and that is supposed to be OK? How? Makes no sense.

            • simplysope

              “I’m just saying, if I have to live life looking over my shoulders every day, I would never want to deal with people at all, I’d rather be alone. Yet somehow that mentality is brought to a relationship and that is supposed to be OK? How? Makes no sense.”

              Word. Life. I have the best friends around (male and female) and although I understand that women can be “petty, catty, untrustworthy”, here is some breaking news, All people can be like that. I have not time to fill my life with people who aren’t going to add to it.

              It’s actually a running joke in our group that the members of the group are so awesome, we don’t need anyone else. You have to be pretty special because the people I love are already amazing.

              To women who say all women are untrustworthy: If you cannot find one single, solitary person who isn’t poisonous to your life, then I am looking at you because you are the problem.

              7 billion people on the planet and you can’t make peace with even ONE?
              ( ._.)

              • Rewind

                EX-FAWKING-ACTLY!

                I know what it’s like to be around bad people and then think all people are the same. But I’ve matured to learn that the constant variable in all bad situations I’ve endured was just ME. So I had to make the change, yet so many people consistently want to point the finger at others.

        • Britico Chick

          that’s the wrong attitude for women to have. u r right, if they are keep dodgy friends they need to drop them. how painful is it to be wondering 27/7 if your girlfriend is going to try and get with your man? i mean, what kind of stupidity is that? people should respect themeselves and frienship circles if you’re all supppsoed to be tight

  • Iceprincess2

    My man’s best friend has grown to be a legit friend of mine too. We have each other in our phones. Sometimes I’ll tex him about something random that has nothing to do with my bf. “Walking dead” is his fave, so the other week I texted like, “WD season premiere is on. U watching?” He said yea. Stuff like that, no big deal. My man doesn’t mind in the least. If a person has to be insecure of their mate & their best friend, something’s not right. If anything, I think most ppl would HOPE that their SO/friends get along.

    • nillalatte

      “If a person has to be insecure of their mate & their best friend, something’s not right.”

      Word. U ain’t never lie.

    • sincereluv4life

      I agree, if you concerned about ur best friend doing something w/ the S/O or vice versa, time to ditch one of em, cuz that’s just too much stress.

    • SweetSass

      Walking Dead was off the chain last night…. Noooo… Tdawg!!!!!

      • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

        I was watching it with my cuz, who is not a regular watcher. When T died he was like “SMH… I KNEW the black guy was gonna die”. When I was trying to explain to him that he just so happened to catch it when the black guy died… and that so far, the show has gone 3 WHOLE SEASONS, without the black guy dying, he wasn’t hearing it. Racial paranoia via media FTW. NO ONE is safe in TWD universe. #ripLori

        • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

          Thanks for the spoiler warning, Jay. Oh wait….

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

            sorry…**lowers head, sheepishly sneaks away**

        • Asiyah

          Lori died?!

          • SweetSass

            In a spectacularly bloody and disturbing way. Yes.

  • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

    Well, seeing as how 100% (literally) of my relationships have ended on very bad terms, I never keep in touch with my ex or anyone I met through them, regardless of how close we all were. It’s not really a trust issue. Just a “I-don’t-want-to-be-around-anyone-that-reminds-of-that-b!tch” issue.

    And if one of my boys insist on continuing a friendship with my ex, then I’ll stop f*ckin with his azz too. He’s out the circle. F*ck him. You’ve known me longer than her, so muthaf*cker you choose MY side and cease all contact with that b!tch. I don’t care if ya’ll enjoyed each other’s company more than a pedophile handing out free candy at Chuckee Cheese. I was the one who had your back when we got jumped by them GDs. I was the one who walked with you through your messed up neighborhood because it was past midnight and I was the only one who had a gun. So if I ask you to stop talking to my ex, f*cking do it, homie.

    • Iceprincess2

      Tell um how you really feel.

    • msdebbs

      yeah I’m with you on this one. All my relationships have ended on shi**ty terms so I don’t keep in contact with any of my exes and their ratatouille ass friends. And my girls never like the men I date so yall know how that goes…

      • chameleonic

        my female friends ADORED my guys. they never interacted but they got the gist through love letters, gifts, speakerphone convos. some other stuff. i was so introverted about my relationships though, protective, they never even truly knew the men i was with. they just knew a fairtytale ended and i was stone. i dont think ive EVER put another female in a position to judge a man im with. it seems shallow because their opinions dont matter to me. but it was nice to admit love to them occassionally. admit i have a heart AND its overwhelmed…..but im not having a relationship in full display of anyone and asking for opinions. thats….just silly unless youre making a crappy decision in a state of delusion and you wanna have voices to keep you on track. otherwise, how you tryna judge MY man when YOU notoriously choose horrible ones for yourself. um. i will pass on subjecting my substantial relationship to girl talk.

        • Sweet GA Brown

          +1. I usually just listen to my friends talk about there relationships or encounters. I never bring up mines. The only time I di is when me and the guy are officially done.

          • chameleonic

            exactly! during the relationship i MIGHT get giddy about something and be all high pitched ‘girl guess what’ but really? i mostly just act as their shoulder to cry on, counselor and/or maternal love giver. i tend to be more open about my own stuff after the fact but still apprehensive. they have to waterboard me into expressing my feelings lol.

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Lol. Waterboarding still wont get every detail out of me.

          • Rewind

            What exactly are you willing to tell without divulging all details?

            • chameleonic

              stuff that models a healthy relationship. ill tell them about the mans kindness or chivalry, mostly his endearing qualities and instances i was overwhelmed by love, hoping theyd choose better mates…..

              • Rewind

                So only good things, never bad?

                I like speaking about my relationships to gain insight that I would not normally have. I don’t give all details, but enough to give someone the jest of my problem. I used to only talk about the women I dated when I had negative experiences. Now I can mention the positive as well. I realize if you only tell a one-sided story, people question your choices more than they question the person you are speaking of.

                • chameleonic

                  i didnt have bad experiences with the men i was in relationships with, i only had personal struggles that wore them out me being so distant about everything. our problems stemmed from me and my personal problems were mine to deal with and IF we had an issue within our relationship its ours to handle. i despise people in my business when they dont know what theyre talking about and a matter is close to my heart.

                  since ive learned to solely keep quality ppl around me perhaps ill be more forthecoming.

                  • Rewind

                    I understand. I have the same problem. No one I knows truly understands the magnitude of my problems and don’t seem to get that their advice is irrelvent unless they are in my shoes. It makes you think twice about the quality of people you know. But in due time, we learn.

                    • chameleonic

                      rewind, did you just………drake me? my soul feels so much better now. truly, truly thats EXACTLY how i feel.

                    • Rewind

                      lmao @ cham. You can call it a Drake if you want, but trust me pimp, you’re not alone int he world.

    • sincereluv4life

      “I was the one who had your back when we got jumped by them GDs”

      I tried to guess, but I give up *throws up hands in the air*…..what does GD’s stand for?

      • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

        Gangster Disciples. A shortened version of BGDN (Black Gangster Disciple Nation).

        • sincereluv4life

          thks, just googled it– must be a Chicago thing.

        • Rewind

          Because F.U.C.K. is a T.H.U.G

          *plays Trick Daddy – I’m A Thug*

    • Yonnie

      LOL! This is so damn specific.

  • Malik

    Well most of the time she’s integrating into your life and not vice versa if you get what I mean. So, she’ll have more of reason to know the people important to you than vice versa.

    • JessicaL

      This is true for me. I don’t know why. I didn’t purposely set it up that way. My dude doesn’t have any of my girls numbers. They just aren’t that close so he has no reason to talk to them. However, there was a time when his phone broke so he used mine which is why a couple of numbers are in my phone. That and his best friend got me the job I have now so I text or call for work related stuff.

    • http://stanoffewwords@wordpress.com Tristan

      True…a girlfriend is usually the one that’s making herself present. the boyfriend is just there in most occasions.

    • http://www.blacklatinafabulous.wordpress.com Maris

      THIS!
      I was with a man for years and I think he went to dinner with my friends ONCE. After much begging and pleading, so my friends would stop telling me I made him up! On the contrary, I babysat his God-children, I met his family, friends, co-workers, etc. SMH

  • mena

    My best friend’s husband has my number. He and I have hung out alone and i even watched a movie with him when she was out of town. He will call me for advice about her or a situation they are in. Here’s the thing though, he and i have never hid that he calls me (or i am), that we text from time to time, or that we are hanging out AND, it took about 6 years BEFORE any of that ever happened. You have to build that level of trust. The main thing is that he and I are both loyal to her first.

    If i had a dude, I would want the same thing with my 3 closest female friends and him…after a certain amount of time. It would have nothing to do with me not trusting them. I have been through everything with those girls and i trust them to drive me to Mexico if i have to go. But if my guy is calling them from jump and asking to hang out–he will need to go. However, any man in his right mind wouldn’t even think to do this to begin with.

    But if we break up, they know that they will “break up” with him as well. There is no reason to keep that friendship going. You are loyal to me first and foremost. Having your friends stay friends with an ex of yours is like breaking mafia law #4. I can’t remember the first 3 laws but I do know that #4 is “I break up with him, WE ALL break up with him.”

    • Iceprincess2

      Hole up hole up, you hanging with your best friend’a husband and you SINGLE? Aw, hellllllll na! Jk ;-)

      • mena

        LOL…yall have some shady @ss friends. You need Jesus. :-)

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Just kidding my arse. That could go left one day. I dont see that staying on the right track…unless he is really metro if you know what I mean.

        • mena

          Nah. Y’all need better friends. If you can’t trust your friend with your man then one of them needs to go.

    • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

      ” I have been through everything with those girls and i trust them to drive me to Mexico if i have to go.”

      But, would you trust them to get you back home from Mexico, that’s the question. :-)

      • mena

        If i need to go to Mexico, I’m not coming back if you catch my drift.

        • Rewind

          *plays Snoop Dogg – Murder Was the Case*

          • mena

            Yep. If i can’t call you to drive me to Mexico, you aren’t a friend.

            • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

              Lol.

    • Fuzzy Dunlop

      My best friend’s husband and I are real cool. I lived with them for a year. She goes to bed early and we’re both night owls. I was always real leery of staying up too late talking with him without her around. I know that neither he or I would ever do anything inappropriate, but I was more worried about the “appearance” of it should she wake up and come down and see us laughing and yucking it up at 2am.

      • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

        Lol@your moniker

  • Iceprincess2

    One more thing then I gotta go to sleep: I still, for the life of me, can’t quite grasp Twitter (not that I’m trying to). I mean, if you’re famous or something, ok. But why are folks putting their random azz text messages on there? Like, why do yall need to hav that convo in public? Lol, I must be getting old cuz I really don’t get it.

    • nillalatte

      I don’t care for Twitter either. For me, it’s like “who cares?” Sometimes I play on it, but for the most part I have to be reminded I have a Twitter account.

      Check out the demographics: http://www.ragan.com/Main/Articles/Pew_Report_The_demographics_of_Twitter_users_44999.aspx

      I’ve always thought it was interesting how folks put their business out there on the net AND using their real names! For some of us old school folks, when I was up and coming, the code was NOT to sing like a bird! Now, Twitter, FB, and other ‘social media’ have folks going to jail! No thank you. I will keep my tweets to myself! :D

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Well, on FB, if you see what I’m saying, I’ve added you as a friend. On Twitter, 95% of my convo is either a reply to someone, a retweet or, on my “after dark” account, some nekkid pic I’m tweeting out from my Tumblr. I don’t talk freely on Twitter b/c I know everyone can see it.

      • JessicaL

        Um, you have incriminating information that could put you in jail for revealing it on twitter? J/k lol

    • Keisha Brown

      Twitter is just another way of communicating.
      For instance: mine was to make people drool with envy over (real, professional) food pics, be a part of the twitter living room experience (watching football, major tv event while live tweeting >>>) and getting to communicate with peeps across the country or world.
      Pretty much – like life, twitter is what you make it.

      • Mo-VSS

        I agree. I used to not get Twitter but I love it now. Black Twitter will be EVERYTHING tomorrow nigh as well.

      • Rewind

        Twitter creeps me out. Too much information exposed. FB is scary enough and even that I need to distance myself from. Twitter seems all encompassing.

    • http://valsotherblog.wordpress.com Val

      I agree. I have nothing to do with twitter, at all. I really don’t want to hear random opinions about everything or need to know what you had for lunch. And quiet as it is kept, facebook has turned into twitter. There are too many updates that are random opinions or what someone just had or is about to have to eat.

    • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

      I’m not really a huge Twitter person either. I’ll be on there in spurts. But usually I’m on during football games and award shows because the minute by minute live commentary that goes on during those events make them 1000 times better.

  • Toria

    Hmmmm. Seems like a fcuked up double standard to me.

    My man has my two best friends’ numbers and I have his (one who lives here and one from his high school days back home). We don’t talk regularly with each other’s friends but he asks them how they’re doing and if he mentions his friend is sick or something I’ll call to check up on him.

    Nothing big. I wouldn’t call his friends to chat about nothing and certainly wouldn’t get them involved in whatever drama we may have. He doesn’t call my friends like that either but even if he did I wouldn’t care.

    The only time it would become a problem is if either party (bf/gf/friend) decided to lie about the contact. I don’t need you to tell me, “I texted you’re friend to say hi today,” but if y’all are flirting and/or seeing each other without tell me, then we hav a problem. Secrecy breeds suspicion and jealousy.

    There was one instance where my ex’s friend and I wanted to stay friends. But it ultimately turned out to be too hard. I could’ve dealt with it, but my ex felt betrayed by his bro even though it really was platonic. I couldn’t break up a 20 year friendship like that. I didn’t hate my ex *that* much haha.