Tyrese Very Obviously Needs A Hobby, So Let’s Find Tyrese A Hobby! » VSB

Featured, Theory & Essay

Tyrese Very Obviously Needs A Hobby, So Let’s Find Tyrese A Hobby!

Rich Polk/Getty Images for Colombia Pictures

 

Empty Stacey Adams shoebox lined with Baby Boy DVDs and back-ordered bigen with sentience Tyrese Gibson is very obviously bored. Because there’s no other reason for a recently married man to hop on Instagram and offer his unsolicited hotepian insights on how the women he’s not married to or even dating or sleeping with (because, again, this nigga just got married) choose to wear their hair. And I get it! I get bored too! And when I get bored, sometimes I go down YouTube rabbitholes to watch SMACK rap battles from 2008, sometimes I eat the banana chips my wife keeps in the cupboard even though banana chips taste like despondent bananas cased in rubber cement, and sometimes I just think about all the push-ups I’m going to do the next time I’m bored.

So what we need to do is find Tyrese some hobbies so that he doesn’t get as bored as often as he very obviously does. And, according to LinkedSenior.com — which “enhances lives in senior communities” — the benefits of hobbies include an enhanced immune system, a reduction of stress, an improved memory, and better self-esteem, so there’s no downside.

Anyway, below is a list of things Tyrese could possibly do the next time he’s tempted to share his Fisher Price: My First Brain Wave-ass logic.

Fly a kite.

Fly all the fucking kites.

Go spelunking.

Learn how to knit.

Take a course on hieroglyphics at a local community college.

Hook up with Ginuwine and do a “Bang-Bang” together.

Go to China, and enter a competitive dog grooming contest.

Find everyone woman with a big butt and a smile, and ask her if she can really be trusted.

Collect mason jars and butterflies. And then just have a bunch of mason jars and butterflies. Like, when people need some mason jars or butterflies for something, be the person people go to first.

Learn how to juggle knives.

Make some eggs and shit.

Race a pack of squirrels.

Go to Williams Sonoma. Not to buy anything, though, but just to sample as many sauces as you can before you get kicked out.

Go to Pittsburgh, PA, and count all of the Black people.

Apply to be on Undercover Boss, and then pretend to be Daymond John in disguise, fooling no one but making for a really entertaining episode. So entertaining in fact that it launches a spin off series where Tyrese pretends to be other famous people in disguise.

Filed Under: , , ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Dcetstyle

    I used to follow Tyrese on Instagram but then I realized ole boy is simply dumb, and at my age I cannot afford to lose brain cells reading gibberish of the intellectually impaired.

  • Valerie

    He needs to focus on his “black queen” (his words, not mines). I really want to see the new Fast and Furious movie but he’s in it.

    • cyanic

      Shocked it’s a viable franchise in pop culture.

  • Kat

    I ain’t liked him since I saw him carrying a carryout bag from the Cheesecake Factory in one hand and Sanaa Lathan was holding his other hand. How sway? You live in Cali, the land of good restaurants and you eat at the Cheesecake Factory. A spot where the menu so big I feel like I wasn’t hungry no mo by the time I flipped to the last page.

    • k8dee

      I thought I was the only other black person alive who hated the Cheescake Factory. There is too much on that menu for them to be very good at any of it! Make cheescake. Do you.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Cheesecake Factory is disgusting.

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          More raspberry lemonade for me

          • miss t-lee

            Have at it.
            Have seconds.
            And, thirds.

            • Jennifer

              No free refills. :-(

              • miss t-lee

                LMAO

      • Val

        It’s like those Chinese restaurants with hundreds of items on the menu. I always think, what if I order something that’s really obscure, will it be fresh? Or will it have been sitting around on a self in the walk in for the last 2 years.

      • miss t-lee

        No you aren’t. Include me in your number.
        And, the cheesecake ain’t that great either.

        • RaeRae

          It’s weird because I like Grand Lux…

          • miss t-lee

            I’ve never been, but I know they’re under the same umbrella.

            • RaeRae

              Which is why I find it so odd that I like Grand Lux and not the other spot. The chocolate chip cookies…MAYNE!!!! I also really enjoy the buffalo chicken spring rolls…or whatever it’s called. Now I want to go…

              • miss t-lee

                Well sh*t , now I wanna go…lol

          • BrothasKeeper

            A story: when I first moved to Houston three years ago, I went there on a date with a woman who admitted to ordering the most expensive thing on the menu to test my ability to provide for her. I haven’t been back since.

            • My bad, for laughing BK.

              • BrothasKeeper

                No, it IS funny! I laughed, too!

            • Nik White

              Well what happened with her/to her?

            • RaeRae

              Wow!! That’s messed up, but a little funny that she thought that was an indicator of being a good provider. Anyway, at least she didn’t try you by asking for the surf and turf at Truluck’s. :-/

              • BrothasKeeper

                I’m gonna dine there, once I apply for this personal loan.

                • RaeRae

                  For real!

            • ? noooooo

            • cyanic

              Heffa wanted to siphon your coins! Did she at least give you a reward for your generosity?

              • BrothasKeeper

                She gave me the gift of her departure, which I cherish to this day.

                • TheUnsungStoryteller

                  I cackled.

                • Blueberry01

                  Addition by subtraction…

            • Emmie

              ?????

            • Kat

              I so dislike sista’s like that. She probably still testing brothas and wondering why she single.

              • pls

                why didn’t she just ask what his salary was?

          • JennyJazzhands

            Same thang.

        • Kat

          It really ain’t at $20 a slice

          • miss t-lee

            LOL. Not to mention them prices for mediocrity.

      • BatmansExWife

        A lot of us hate that place.

      • Kat

        Way to much. I’m like ya’ll got twenty pasta’s, twenty chickens, pizza, wings, chinese, mexican, pie and cake. Nope. Ain’t no way some of this is fresh.

        • BrothasKeeper

          When I lived in Atlanta, Cheesecake Factory was where fledgling playas would bring their prospects in order to ball.

          • Kat

            They still do. And I be baffled. It’s not romantic at all.

            • BrothasKeeper

              It’s the basic baller spot. I don’t get it, either. I’ve been in there exactly twice. Once because Maggiano’s was crowded, and the other time to just get actual cheesecake.

              • Another Man’s Rhubarb

                Maggiano’s! yummmm

          • pls

            Reading this slander against the cheesecake feeling very poor. First beyonce outed red lobster as the hood chic spot, now ya’ll tryna take cheesecake from a pimp! *cries* dis tew mech!

            • BrothasKeeper

              LMAO! I have no qualms with the cheesecake, nor do I scoff at the Cheddar Bay biscuits at the RL, but when you order off the CF menu, you’re playing Russian Roulette with your GI tract.

          • KeyBrad

            They closed the one on Peachtree in Buckhead…finally.

            • BrothasKeeper

              Were thug tears shed?

      • lqtech00

        You can put me on the list of black folks that don’t like that place. I never went there until my birthday last year. The menu was too long. I only ordered cheesecake.

      • Gibbous

        I used to work at Barnes & Noble and we’d sell the CCF in the cafe. I’d order 3 and dessert a family of 6. The slices are big enough to give you a heart attack, if you don’t die of diabeetus first!

        • RaeRae

          That red velvet cheesecake is a serious sugar rush!

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          That sure is a fancy B & N. That must have been in the Beverly Hills of {insert your city here}.

          The B & Ns where I live only have Starbucks.

          • Gibbous

            It was a BN cafe that served Starbucks & CCF cheesecakes. (I think it’s technically only a starbucks if it’s attached. The cafes in the stores are BN cafes and they serve Starbucks coffee and all kinds of other stuff.)

    • HouseOfBonnets

      *Hangs head in shame*

      I like the cheesecakes lol

      • Darkchloe144

        Lift yo head back up, they ack like they don’t know! (And that meatloaf tho, dayum)

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        So do I.

      • k8dee

        The cheescake is decent…hence the name! Ijs. Stick to your strengths, Cheesecake Factory. Everybody got a lane.

      • Kat

        It ain’t bad….it ain’t great but it ain’t Red Lobster.

        • Jennifer

          Who hurt you?

          • Kat

            Red Lobster did. They served me okay biscuits. Got my hopes up. Then came the frozen fish on red and orange plates.

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        I like the restaurant. Eff these other sidity azz, bougie folks in the comment section

      • Leggy

        I mean it’s the freaking name. They better be good.

      • JennyJazzhands

        I like everything I’ve eaten there. Except the beer battered fish and chips.

    • miss t-lee

      Cheesecake Factory so overrated.

      • BrownKitty289

        But Grand Lux Cafe Isn’t!!!! ;)

    • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

      Don’t judge me, but Cheesecake Factory has in the recent past gotten some Valentine’s Day date cash out of me. I like the joint for what it is.

      • Kat

        I eat there, if someone suggests it. But that’s it. I get so confused by all the food though.

    • lkeke35

      ???

    • Gibbous

      Cheescake factory is always on the “Not That” half of the “Eat This, Not That” book.

    • NicT

      Sanaa Lathan let him hold her hand? Eww. Why girl?

    • Truth0312

      Word. The cheesecake is bomb, but the entrees……not so much. I put Chili’s, RT, Applebee’s, and CKF in the same boat. It’s all high-class cafeteria food. No originality or freshness to be found….kind of like mainstream urban radio.

  • Val

    I recommend he take up parkour. And he should practice that sport on really high buildings in NYC. Either that or be the guy with the apple on his head for people to shoot arrows at.

    • Annalise Keating

      LOL!

    • I_AmU

      Savagery on Friday is delightful. It’s allows me to decompress.

    • Saint

      Please don’t wish him on NYC. We’re glad to be rid of him.

  • Tyrese needs to focus on being a better, non-plot essential prop in the Fast and Furious movies. Ludacris is just as non-essential to the culture these days and at least he doesn’t pop up with odd and stupid things to say.

    • Junegirl627

      nah luda makes the gadgets. if he die they would need another under developed gadget guy

  • Mika

    Wasn’t he just out here trying to school people on how to be in relationships and the show was canceled? Mmmmmmmm K.

    • miss t-lee

      Did it end up being a show? I remember the book, but that show musta been brief.

      • Valerie

        I think Steve Harvey was on it but it could have been Rev Run, one of them. Not sure lol

        • miss t-lee

          Price said Rev Run.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Yup. It was on OWN with Rev Run as the co-host.

        • miss t-lee

          Ohhhh. No wonder. I don’t have cable so I would’ve had to search it out. And that wasn’t happening…lol

      • Kat

        You would have to be something kind of simple to listen to Rev Run of No Church Needed and Burnt Umber.

        • miss t-lee

          Some folks eat this stuff up and ask for seconds.

          • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

            I enjoyed Rev Run’s reality show, but how is anybody thinking he is offering good advice?

            • miss t-lee

              I never really watched it.
              Some folks are hungry for some kind of advice I guess.

  • HouseOfBonnets
    • MsCee

      LMFAOOOOOOOO that lil booty cheek tho

      • HouseOfBonnets

        It was going ????

        • Janelle Doe

          The guy in the red hoodie’s reaction also gets me each time I watch it.

          • HouseOfBonnets

            He is in the top 3 highlights of the gif

      • Mika

        LMAO

    • I’m gonna have nightmares.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Look the tiny twinz gotta earn a living like the rest of us lol

        • kingpinenut

          lol lawdamussy

        • miss t-lee

          I ain’t mad. Chick got skillz!

      • miss t-lee

        Considering some of the convos you’ve drug us through, this is what is gonna give you nightmares?

        • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

          Seriously, I’m still having flashbacks when I see 7 or 10.

          • miss t-lee

            LMAO

    • kingpinenut

      I can’t look away……what in sam heyall have i seent?!

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        *snickering* Y’all are killing me today.

        • kingpinenut

          I need to just logdafaqoff

      • Mika

        Yall never seen a little person (That’s PC right) twerk it? Yall gotta make it to the strip clubs in Miami. Don’t judge me for knowing this information either lmao.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          And that’s where I know these two from lol

        • kingpinenut

          Lawd…apparently there is MUCH I AIN”T SEEEEEEEEEENNNN!

          If I make it Miami, you know a nukka goin straight to Havana and not looking back right?

          • Mika

            bwahahahahha

        • Ille Jay

          Last time I went to a strip club in my hometown they had a little stripper…apparently she travels and breaks much bread, it was sorta train wrekk….didn’t stop watching, didn’t get into it….astonished at the folks who were lapping it up. *shrugs* Shorty gotta eat….

          • Val

            “Shorty gotta eat….”

            Pun intended?

        • **leans in**
          Go on. Tell us more, lol

    • Courtney Wheeler
      • HouseOfBonnets

        I’ve had it for a while….this was the perfect excuse to use it lol

        • Janelle Doe

          Lol.
          *daps

        • Val

          Now I’m afraid to know what else you have in your gif bank. Lol

          • Janelle Doe

            Gd point.
            *note to self: pay close attention to HOB during the next GIF wars.

          • HouseOfBonnets

            Oh I keep exclusives on hand lol

      • kingpinenut

        ^^^ this right here….

        +50-11

    • A.K.O.O.

      Im not mad at this…

      • BrothasKeeper

        Nor am I.

    • Epsilonicus

      I don’t know how I should feel about this.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        A combination of curiosity, side eye and astonishment.

        • Basically everything that happens when I see a midget.

          • Val

            Whispers…little person.

            • I don’t see how that’s less insulting than ‘midget.’ Children are little people. Them niqqas are midgets.

              • Val

                That’s what they prefer, Cog.

                • Did they have like, a committee meeting? Because that is either frightening or adorable.

                  • Val

                    Well, they do have conventions, so..

                  • Janelle Doe

                    Unrelated: i wonder that about many terms not least of all Black v Colored v African American or mental health v mental illness or any of the many other terms… How is it decided?

                  • Yo…I cant stop laughing at your responses!

              • miss t-lee

                Midget is not PC Cogito.
                Call folks what they wanna be called.

                • I feel you. I’ll do better.

              • Bruh.

        • Kat

          So…I saw this one chick at Pride in ATL years ago. We all agreed. She was doable. I felt sorta wrong. But still……

          • HouseOfBonnets

            if it’s right it’s right lol

          • BrothasKeeper

            Sometimes you just gotta.

      • miss t-lee

        You know how you feel about it.

        • Epsilonicus

          Amazed. Confused. Shocked.

          • miss t-lee

            …and slightly intrigued.

            • Epsilonicus

              I would consider tipping if she did that in front of me

              • miss t-lee

                Of course you would.

                • Epsilonicus

                  #LittleSkrippasMatter

            • BrothasKeeper

              I leaned in a little bit.

              • miss t-lee

                LOL!

        • You and Ep just cracked me up.
          Thanks

          • miss t-lee

            *daps*

    • Roz

      ALL THE UPVOTES!!!
      I just love watching people enjoy themselves….did you see the one cheek twerk!!!

    • Valerie

      LOL!!!! Yassss I like the guy in the red running away

      • Roz

        He wasn’t ready!!!

        • Me neither.

          • Roz

            The one cheek pop didn’t do it for you, Cog?

            • BrothasKeeper

              She had muscle control.

    • Epsilonicus

      Anyone would give the tiny twins a go at it?

    • ???

    • NonyaB?
  • A.K.O.O.

    Create a sequel to “My Way” in which we find out what actually happened to his character after Usher took his girl to Heaven…

  • Mika

    Also, his rant about fakeness….how? You sing about and place the same kind of women in your videos……….so. Meh.

    • He’s an actor talking about fakeness. Does he not have people? a dictionary? brain cells?

      • Mika

        All of the above lol

      • miss t-lee

        None listed.

  • A.K.O.O.

    *shrugs

    I like Baby Boy

    • Val

      It’s a classic.

      • miss t-lee

        A classic piece of sh*t?

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          *slumps over in chair*

          • miss t-lee

            I’m just tryna understand…lol

            • PriceIsRightHorns

              I haven’t seen it since it came out. All I remember is Taraji going off 24/7 and Ving in the kitchen scrambling eggs with his cheeks on display.

              • miss t-lee

                I saw it on a date in the theater, and I don’t think I’ve seen it since then.
                All I remember is lots of yelling and the beat it up dance.
                I’m good.

                • PriceIsRightHorns

                  LOL. I don’t remember the beat it up dance. *goes to YouTube*

              • It was new levels of ‘doing too much’.

                • miss t-lee

                  I was like, folks be living like this?
                  Oh.
                  This whole azz movie is stressful.

                • PriceIsRightHorns

                  Yeah…it’s a one and done for me on Baby Boy.

              • cyanic

                Those are the highlights on the landfill that is Baby Boy.

        • Val

          Really? *shrug*

          • miss t-lee

            It’s anti-good.

            • Leggy

              You are on a roll.

              • miss t-lee

                I’ve been daydrinking…lol

      • A.K.O.O.

        I agree

    • BatmansExWife

      I like it as well. I don’t watch it to learn

      • A.K.O.O.

        Might be the Hotep in me but I feel as though it holds a lot of knowledge within it.

        • BatmansExWife

          Yea, John Singleton explained his reason/thought behind it. I wonder if people would like it if Tupac was alive to play it like he was supposed to

          • A.K.O.O.

            I believe so.

            The role would’ve catapulted his acting career to another level fo’ sho.

            • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

              That boy was talented.

        • cyanic

          Good intentions is not the foundation of good art.

          • Blueberry01

            …or good chex…

      • Jennifer

        Taraji took us on a rollercoaster with that “I Hate you, Jamie…” scene.

        • BrothasKeeper

          (Jody)

          • Jennifer

            *Black Card revoked*

            • BrothasKeeper

              *punches one hole and gives it back* Just be careful next time ?.

    • Roz

      I’ve never seen the entire movie. I recognize it when it comes on though.

      • miss t-lee

        You’re not missing much.

      • A.K.O.O.

        Its worth the watch.

        • Roz

          I’ve seen it in bits so I get the gist of it.

    • Janelle Doe

      Who in your opinion had the larger traiectory from that him or Taraji?

      • Val

        Huh? Come on, Janelle. Taraji, no question.

        • Roz

          You think so? I have to think hard to remember she was in it..I think with it being his first et al, he did.

          • Val

            Just so that we’re on the same page. Isn’t the question which of them has had a bigger career after Baby Boy?

            • Roz

              I understood it as “who’s career got bigger because of the movie”….I could be wrong.

              • Val

                I guess we’ll have to wait for Janelle to clear it up for us.

                *taps foot waiting*

                • Janelle Doe

                  You had it correct.

              • BrothasKeeper

                I don’t see that movie being a vehicle.

                • cyanic

                  It provided Taraji with the type of exposure that booked her more work. She became an entity in our community behind that movie. White people really think they know her from Benjamin Button and Empire. We had her first with Baby Boy.

              • Janelle Doe

                I see what you are saying; either way I would give her the win. Way more versatile. He hasn’t played any deep role since has he?

                • Roz

                  Jodi was as deep as a flat bread.

                  • Janelle Doe

                    I can’t comment as I did bot eatch that. But what about her role in Benjamin Button and versatility to play Cookie and also be in Hidden Fugures also?

        • Nametaken

          I legitimately can’t think of anything significant Tyrese has done. As far as I’m concerned, his most significant contribution since “Baby Boy” (which I still haven’t seen) is “Ejecto seato cuz!” in “The Fast and the Furious”. Oh and running around shooting Decpticons with a pop gun while all the other characters do actual, meaningful work.

          • BrothasKeeper

            Waist Deep.

        • Janelle Doe

          I know, I know but it’s Friday so I wanted to see if Black Ty had any Stans..

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        Taraji. No contest.

      • A.K.O.O.

        Taraji most def. Her performance in: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, simply cemented that fact.

        Tyrese has had a decent career, but it hasnt exactly translated to anyone taking him serious as an actor.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        She doing what she was always capable of.

        Somehow he keeps getting parts.

        Hope he pulled a Kanye and took that F&F money and bought a bunch of McDonald’s

        • cyanic

          More parts for men means he will keep busy in the mess they make year around.

      • cyanic

        Taraji. Baby Boy is the movie where we discovered her.

      • Sassypants

        Ving Rhames’ cheeks from BB had & has a better career trajectory than Ty. I remember him getting attention for transformers, but messed his situation up with his public antics, now calling him a working black actor is an honor he doesn’t deserve.

    • cyanic

      Not because of him. He and Snoop are the weakest parts about it.

More Like This