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Empty Stacey Adams shoebox lined with Baby Boy DVDs and back-ordered bigen with sentience Tyrese Gibson is very obviously bored. Because there’s no other reason for a recently married man to hop on Instagram and offer his unsolicited hotepian insights on how the women he’s not married to or even dating or sleeping with (because, again, this nigga just got married) choose to wear their hair. And I get it! I get bored too! And when I get bored, sometimes I go down YouTube rabbitholes to watch SMACK rap battles from 2008, sometimes I eat the banana chips my wife keeps in the cupboard even though banana chips taste like despondent bananas cased in rubber cement, and sometimes I just think about all the push-ups I’m going to do the next time I’m bored.
So what we need to do is find Tyrese some hobbies so that he doesn’t get as bored as often as he very obviously does. And, according to LinkedSenior.com — which “enhances lives in senior communities” — the benefits of hobbies include an enhanced immune system, a reduction of stress, an improved memory, and better self-esteem, so there’s no downside.
Anyway, below is a list of things Tyrese could possibly do the next time he’s tempted to share his Fisher Price: My First Brain Wave-ass logic.
Fly a kite.
Fly all the fucking kites.
Learn how to knit.
Take a course on hieroglyphics at a local community college.
Hook up with Ginuwine and do a “Bang-Bang” together.
Go to China, and enter a competitive dog grooming contest.
Find everyone woman with a big butt and a smile, and ask her if she can really be trusted.
Collect mason jars and butterflies. And then just have a bunch of mason jars and butterflies. Like, when people need some mason jars or butterflies for something, be the person people go to first.
Learn how to juggle knives.
Make some eggs and shit.
Race a pack of squirrels.
Go to Williams Sonoma. Not to buy anything, though, but just to sample as many sauces as you can before you get kicked out.
Go to Pittsburgh, PA, and count all of the Black people.
Apply to be on Undercover Boss, and then pretend to be Daymond John in disguise, fooling no one but making for a really entertaining episode. So entertaining in fact that it launches a spin off series where Tyrese pretends to be other famous people in disguise.