Tyrese Very Obviously Needs A Hobby, So Let’s Find Tyrese A Hobby! » VSB

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Tyrese Very Obviously Needs A Hobby, So Let’s Find Tyrese A Hobby!

Empty Stacey Adams shoebox lined with Baby Boy DVDs and back-ordered bigen with sentience Tyrese Gibson is very obviously bored. Because there’s no other reason for a recently married man to hop on Instagram and offer his unsolicited hotepian insights on how the women he’s not married to or even dating or sleeping with (because, again, this nigga just got married) choose to wear their hair. And I get it! I get bored too! And when I get bored, sometimes I go down YouTube rabbitholes to watch SMACK rap battles from 2008, sometimes I eat the banana chips my wife keeps in the cupboard even though banana chips taste like despondent bananas cased in rubber cement, and sometimes I just think about all the push-ups I’m going to do the next time I’m bored.

So what we need to do is find Tyrese some hobbies so that he doesn’t get as bored as often as he very obviously does. And, according to LinkedSenior.com — which “enhances lives in senior communities” — the benefits of hobbies include an enhanced immune system, a reduction of stress, an improved memory, and better self-esteem, so there’s no downside.

Anyway, below is a list of things Tyrese could possibly do the next time he’s tempted to share his Fisher Price: My First Brain Wave-ass logic.

Fly a kite.

Fly all the fucking kites.

Go spelunking.

Learn how to knit.

Take a course on hieroglyphics at a local community college.

Hook up with Ginuwine and do a “Bang-Bang” together.

Go to China, and enter a competitive dog grooming contest.

Find everyone woman with a big butt and a smile, and ask her if she can really be trusted.

Collect mason jars and butterflies. And then just have a bunch of mason jars and butterflies. Like, when people need some mason jars or butterflies for something, be the person people go to first.

Learn how to juggle knives.

Make some eggs and shit.

Race a pack of squirrels.

Go to Williams Sonoma. Not to buy anything, though, but just to sample as many sauces as you can before you get kicked out.

Go to Pittsburgh, PA, and count all of the Black people.

Apply to be on Undercover Boss, and then pretend to be Daymond John in disguise, fooling no one but making for a really entertaining episode. So entertaining in fact that it launches a spin off series where Tyrese pretends to be other famous people in disguise.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Acting class?

    • TJ

      That’s a really good use of time.

    • Janelle Doe

      Him and Bokeem (if earlier comment sections are to be revisited)

    • Val

      You win.

      • Carolynrharris

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !dd50c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !dd50c:
        ??
        ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs340WebLightGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!dd50c:….,….

      • Florenennelson

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !da33c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !da33c:
        ??
        ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs323TopMotorGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!da33c:….,….

      • JoanHughes11
    • Wild Cougar

      Confession: I really liked him in Transformers and he sings pretty good but other than that he’s a fuckboy.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Wait…Tyrese is a undercover Hotep?? I guess that’s impossible because the core fundamental objective of a Hotep is to inject their opinion when it wasn’t warranted.

    • MsCee

      Lol, someones been reading their “My First Hotep” study guide.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Yeah…theyre concerned about European loving induced periods and overall African “queen-ness”

    • Kat

      He out in the streets in a black sheet and sandals.

    • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

      Nothing undercover about him.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    I stopped paying attention to Tyrese and his fake deep posts with the rampant spelling errors years ago. He can have stadium seats with this nonsense.

    • Kat

      I was so shocked when I saw folks passing that mess on FB like they was newly discovered bible scriptures. And them videos. Bruh.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        IKR? I saw a few tweets and a lot of folks were hyping it up.

        • Kat

          I was like ya’ll know this is baby boy right? He sell dresses out the trunk…

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            Girl! LMAO

    • Courtney Wheeler

      I honestly I had no clue he was doing this. I kind of want to watch these videos but I also had a really good Friday and would like to continue to be in good spirits.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        What’s the deal with the videos? I haven’t seen them, but his IG post with that tragic wig hit my TL many times.

        • Kat

          He think he deep. He as shallow as a teaspoon. If he wasn’t dark as burnt umber I wouldn’t even see him.

    • Val

      Lol @ spelling errors

    • miss t-lee

      Them tweets he used to send were dayum near unintelligible at times.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        This struggle tweets were cringeworthy.

        • miss t-lee

          So, so bad.

    • I just did a spit-take on “rampant spelling errors” because I thought I was the only one who dismissed him because of that.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        LOL. You are not alone.

  • MsCee

    “Fisher Price: My First Brain Wave-ass logic.” That’s it…I’m logging out. Y’all have a great weekend.

    • That got me too.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I LOVE IT.

  • There is literally nothing natural on his wife in that picture. Those aren’t even the way God made her teeth. I guess niqqas still gon niq.

    • kingpinenut

      *spits out coffee*

    • PriceIsRightHorns

      Welp.

    • Siante?

      How dare you question the naturalness of his BLACK QUEEN?????!!!!!

    • k8dee

      I mean, if he wanted natural, why would she have on makeup? Why would she shave or wax? Chicks with that coloring can often be a bit hirstute (ain’t nothing wrong with it) you think she ain’t waxing her mustache? Her chin? Her nether regions?

      Does she have on chemically based deodorant? I can swear that’s not cotton or silk she is wearing…just leave black women tf alone!

      • ^This^ He just felt like justifying his choice, I’m sure.

        • Wild Cougar

          She doesn’t look like she likes him that much in the picture…… It’s in the eyes.

          • MsCee

            She looking like “Chile, hurry up and take this picture so I can Kim Kardashian my way on up.”

            • Wild Cougar

              Right?! She got “hold my nose come up” all around the eyes behind them lashes

              • Val

                He looks so happy that it’s kind of comical. Lol

                • SororSalsa

                  Him: “I can’t believe I got this foine foreign chick to marry me.”

                  Her: “I can’t believe Drake didn’t respond to my DM’s.”

                  • gr8p

                    LOL

                • TheUnsungStoryteller

                  Tyrese: “I finally got one! Hahaha!!! I’m catching up Kanye!”

            • k8dee

              She’s thinking about her future alimony checks…

              • NicT

                Exactly. Her eyes are calculating the number of times she will have to smell his Hot Cheeto breath before she can cash out.

              • Blueberry01

                …and child support…

          • yves

            i don’t think she knows who he is

        • Janelle Doe

          So Cog, at the risk of TNT – is he basically telling a particular category of women (that he categorized) that they are ‘single because they are whack’?

          Because that won’t do. That just won’t do

          • lkeke35

            For some d*mn reason, men like him don’t ever seem to think that “choice ” might have something to do with being single, either. In their minds being single is always involuntary.

        • Nicole

          He’s trying to sell his book that just came out.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        PREACHHHHHHH!!!

      • Blueberry01

        …or eye weave…

      • Junegirl627

        nah she used his credit card to pay for the electrolisis

      • Junegirl627

        nah she used his credit card to pay for the electrolisis

    • Kat

      His or her teeth

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Ladies, If you out in these streets this weekend and this goes down

    “Find everyone woman with a big butt and a smile, and ask her if she can really be trusted.”

    You have officially met Brooklyn Bruin

    • MsCee

      Lmfao

    • Val

      I’m curious. What is the masculine equivalent of the having a big butt and a smile meme?

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        A dude a woman is attracted to but can’t trust?

        As men, we haven’t figured out part 1 of 2, lol

        • Val

          What physical attributes make him attractive though?

          • A.K.O.O.

            Why don’t you enlighten us, Val

            • Val

              How would I know, Brass?

              • A.K.O.O.

                Ok Val

                • Val

                  I know you think I’m trying to start something but I’m not. I’m genuinely curious to know.

                  • A.K.O.O.

                    I believe you.

                    If you say you dont know then I have no reason to question it.

          • Courtney Wheeler

            Having a nice smile….but a girlfriend? haha

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            A nice print and a fade.

            Don’t worry. I’m going to see myself out.

            • Val

              Lol Okay. I mean, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

            • Ess Tee

              Nah, nah, sis. You good.

              • PriceIsRightHorns

                *daps*

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            Allow me to speak for all women

            *looks at rolled eyes, arms folding over, and shoe tapping*

            Just on the visual

            – height catches a girl’s eye. Doubly so if his potnas are also tall.

            – good facial bone structure. That can range to fine features to more of a rugged look. Some girls like a pretty boy, others prefer a more construction worker steez

            – general physical fitness, not necessarily cover of bodybuilding magazine though (but that dude isn’t getting kicked out the pool either)

            good shoulders and arms, no gut, six pack optional if not summer time.

            – she like a nice tight package in the back too.

            – she also don’t mind a nice *censored for Christian eyes*

            Add to that a nice style in fashionable and form fitting clothes.

            – medium brown to Sudanese

            – baldies/Caesars or locks varies by region and season

            Those things attract the feminine eye. And in a few cases, those alone seal the deal.

            But most of the time, having all those qualities just gets you in the door.

            That was the resume, You still got to do the interview.

            It’s the opposite for women. The package *is* the interview and she has to actively work against the package for him to lose interest.

            Now after the honeymoon phase, that’s when the truth of the Bell Biv Devoe jewel becomes apparent.

            • Wild Cougar

              Nope

            • Val

              Dang, Man. All that? I was looking for the equivalent phrase to big butt and a smile.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                Lol.

                From a guy’s pov, chicks be wary about all sorts of dumb stuff and pay little attention to the actual stuff that could get them killed or worse, much less heartbroken.

                Dudes are the same. Like my girl Ygritte said, you can have a woman or a knife, but not both.

                But no need to get serious today.

              • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

                equivalent – luxury car and a smooth line

                • Val

                  Nice.

                • TheUnsungStoryteller

                  I will admit, I like a nice car.

              • Brother Mouzone

                Big bank account and a smile?

            • Ms.Moon

              My head gets turned all the way around for a man that smells nice. Freshly washed in nice cologne gets me every time.

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                I be experimenting with the scents. The good and bad – is that something that blends well with me might not blend well with the next dude.

                I can tell you from the trenches that you can definitely over do the Drakkar Noir.

                • Gibbous

                  The scent of my college years ’80s

              • lqtech00

                Watches and cologne are my weakness. I don’t why a nice watch is such a turn on.

              • Gibbous

                Scent has been known to give me a headach. It can even smell nice to me, or not even be very strong, but my head says nope!

              • Emmie

                Trrruuuth….i will do a full stop for you if you smell nice…however I H8 cologne especially when it’s overdone…just can’t take it

            • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

              *The package *is* the interview and she has to actively work against the package for him to lose interest* – so much this

            • cyanic

              You gave this a lot of thought. Since I’m a g-boy I’ll make it simple. Face and body. What that means depends on what you’re into. But since my default is brothers need only apply – I like the wide spectrum of black male identity. Oh and swag. Black male swagger towers over face and body.

            • Blueberry01

              Yo, your comments are much more insightful.

              Did Iyanla fix your life?

              • Brooklyn_Bruin

                I’m a Google Bot

                • Blueberry01

                  D*mn, I knew it was too good to be true.

          • PinkRose

            Dark skin, the darker the better!

            • cyanic

              With age I prefer darkest than me over just darker than me.

      • Crispy line and a beard?

        • Val

          A crispy line, a beard and a smile?

          • You know bearded folks be ice grilling with their chin out. (Hi Damon!)

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          I’ll take a nice, clean, just-right beard for $400, Alex.

      • miss t-lee

        A big dyck and a paycheck.

        • Val

          You pull no punches, T. Lol

          • miss t-lee

            ’tis true Val.
            Tis true.

        • Glo

          Noooooo, the accuracy. It hurts.

          • miss t-lee

            *sniggling*

        • Roz

          Oh my…

          • miss t-lee

            I’m lying?

            • Roz

              I spot none. #carryon

              • miss t-lee

                Hahahaha

        • grownandsexy2

          lol

        • Cheech
          • miss t-lee

            ?????

        • cyanic

          I prefer a big backside and shiny hair.

          • miss t-lee

            Ha!

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Bahahahaaaaaa!!!! Can I add a CAREER as well? Not just a paycheck, but a legit CAREER. Heck, I’ll even take aspiring dreams on the side.

          • miss t-lee

            HAHAHA.

          • pls

            A check is a check babe. you see shaq in every other commercial on tv, dontcha!

        • Blueberry01

          I can always count on you to come through. Lol!

      • Glo

        I’ve made a few mistakes because of a beard and gray sweats.

        • Roz

          Gray sweats do it…and bow legs.

          • Val

            Never understood the bow legs thing. Rickets is cute?

            • Roz

              Its the walk, Val….don’t judge me!

            • I_AmU

              Rickets is cute?
              I literally laughed out loud at this.

            • Rabs

              Girl, get out…go straight to timeout. I almost choked @rickets is cute? Bye girl ?????

            • Furious Styles

              Dead.

            • TheUnsungStoryteller

              LOL.

            • Artsy911233

              I thought I was the only asshole calling it rickets ???

            • La Bandita

              I need understood either – malnutrition during pregnancy so the bones don’t development fully. I want straight legged babies.

      • I_AmU

        As long as you’re not ashy like you’ve been playing in flour, you’re lips aren’t razor wire, can conjugate a noun and a verb I’ll give you 5 mins to shoot your shot.

        • KCG

          ???

      • BrothasKeeper

        Green eyes and a Charger?

        • Val

          Lol

        • cyanic

          Green eyes pop on darker complexed people.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          NOOOOOOOO…Green Eyes is OVERRATED. Because Terrence Howard.

  • Siante?

    He can go back to painting & try to put on an actual art show. That should keep him off of social media for a little bit.

  • Annalise Keating

    1. I can’t explain why I find the picture on the instagram post hilarious.
    2. Seems like dog whistle talk cos because we all know he is talking to black women in that post.
    3. But why?

  • Kat

    How about just be happily married? I mean don’t that take work? It has rewards I’ve heard. Chex. Stuff like that.

    • Snowtababeinhouston

      I cackled really loudly. Timeout for u.

      • Kat

        If’n I had just got married I wouldn’t be worried about the hairline of no one who wasn’t sleeping in my marital bed. But I’m grown so….

    • J.E. Pierson

      The f*ckery that is Tyrese Gibson and his opinions should not be rewarded. She should withhold until he withholds his opinion from the interwebs.

  • I wish he would have just kept on that bus from the Coke commercial and left us all alone.

    • PriceIsRightHorns

      LOL

    • MsKeisha23

      THIS RIGHT HERE. all the AMENs

    • Stayed on, but y’all knew what I meant.

      • Wild Cougar

        Kept on sounds better

      • Kat

        Kept sounds so southern…and right

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