Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC » VSB

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Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC

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This is the only reasonable explanation for why a chunk of ice the size of Delaware is currently lurking untethered near the Antarctic Peninsula; floating around all unbothered and harnessless and free like Rihanna. Not global warming or any other extinction-level, SCARY-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK shit outlined in this nightmare-inducing NY Mag story about the doomed Earth. (And how the doom might happen much, much sooner — and might be much more, for lack of a better term, “biblical” — than we’ve assumed.) Not the Earth collectively side-eyeing America for electing the teeth and tongue and fingertip-staining crumbs found at the bottom of a bag of Cheetos to lead us. Not God getting annoyed with us ignoring His requests for us to do the dishes and protect the rainforests and thinking “Maybe if I change the damn map tomorrow morning, these niggas will finally listen.”

No, the iceberg was interested in buying NBC. It planned to make NBC a more iceberg-friendly network — featuring shows and series devoted to uplifting the iceberg community and depicting the nuanced totality of the iceberg existence — and even had the capital and the resources to make it happen. And then, boom. They broke it off. Literally.

Anyway, this is clearly what happened. There’s nothing else to see here.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    It was said that Michael Loren was behind it. When the deal didn’t go through, he was smiling like Mr. Burns.

  • clownFace Prod.

    I have no problem with the iceberg. Just the penguins it brings around.

  • miss t-lee

    …and some of these folks still wanna act like climate change ain’t real.

    • I work about 500 yards from the Harbor. Whenever it rains at high tide sh*t changes around here.

    • Val

      The Deplorables are too dumb and blinded by their hate to see that the
      Republicans don’t believe in climate change because their corporate
      master don’t want them too. It’s all about profit to them.

      • miss t-lee

        Clearly.

    • Janelle Doe

      Well, they deny Sandy Hook so why not the climate

      • miss t-lee

        Bloop!

    • Brown Rose

      Its not real…because Jesus…the rapture…

      • miss t-lee

        I just don’t understand the head in the sand approach.

        • Brown Rose

          They think they are chosen. And they don’t believe in science because their God will save them. Its pathetic but they have been blocking innovation for over 50 years. The Boomers also have done nothing. This was known since the 60’s and have done nothing but enrich themselves. We are 1200% screwed.

          • miss t-lee

            I’m a Christian and all, and if they’ve read their bibles, like really read their bibles, whew chile…

            • Brown Rose

              Right!? Which is why I think much of Christian Fundamentalism with their white blonde blue eyed Jesus is nothing but a cult.

              • miss t-lee

                Hmmmmm. You have a point.

  • BrothasKeeper
    • miss t-lee

      I can’t stop laughing.

    • cedriclathan

      …but, his hands are too small.

  • Lucille A Bluth

    That iceberg broke off because it was on an unnatural diet that includes corn. It should have reverted back to the ANARKTIK diet.

  • cysinblack
    • BrothasKeeper

      “Give de people de ear!”

  • Diego Duarte

    Been reading this all day and reading the comments in the news section in different sites. I know that there are Climate Change denialists among Generation X and Millennials, but the bulk of the comments mocking this are overwhelmingly coming from the Baby Boomers who will be largely unaffected by this environmental mess they’ll leave behind.

    Still, I want nothing more than for Congress to take away their Medicare and Social Security, because fuck those fucking fucks.

    • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread

      We can take solace in that their graves will be the ones washed away.

      • Diego Duarte

        Why would you want to contaminate the sea with more sh*t? Especially toxic fucking sh*t.

        • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread

          The lobsters and krill need something to eat too eh?

          • Diego Duarte

            Do you really want the lobsters and krill to feed on the corpses of bigots and idiots? Next thing you know they’ll start watching Fox News and b*tching about Beyoncé in the Super Bowl.

            • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread

              lol

      • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

        listen those are not pretty. southern Caribbean are generally lucky when it comes to hurricane but for the past 8 or so years we have been adversely affected by weather system. Last year a number of graves were washed away and it was not pretty

    • Val

      Baby Boomers = worst modern generation

      • Diego Duarte

        Try worst generation in the entirety of mankind’s history, relative to their time period, especially accounting for the fact that access to legitimate information has never been so easy.

        • Val

          The post yesterday talked about confirmation bias. Baby Boomers, and lets be clear, White Baby Boomers, only seek out info that confirms what they already think.

        • Wizznilliam

          We have more information now but they are probably the last generation that has lived longer in the non-information age. So they are used to being set in their ways on made up beliefs vs actual information. And GenX are not a whole lot better.

    • Me

      I don’t deny climate change, but I am one who doesn’t care. If evolution works the way I’ve been taught that it should, we’ll all die off eventually to make room for a better species, and I’m ok with that. That, plus this earth has survived many ice ages and global warmings already, so I feel like all this panic is unwarranted.

      • Val

        But what about your great-great grandchirrens?

        • Me

          All humans will only have a finite number of future generations because no species lives forever. I have faith that human ingenuity will make the most of whatever the world becomes, but I’m not interested in making humans invincible. I don’t think we’re the end all.

      • Diego Duarte

        “That, plus this earth has survived many ice ages and global warmings already, so I feel like all this panic is unwarranted.”

        No, quite simply no. The Earth goes through glaciar and inter-glaciar periods, which last about 50k years each. As a matter of fact we are currently in an inter-glaciar period, but this one is entirely atypical. How so? Well, the temperatures for this inter-glaciar period are by far exceeding the ones set in previous ones (examined by means of carbon testing and accumulation, among others).

        Scientists have already been warning for over a decade we may soon face another mass extinction event. This sh*t is no joke.

        • Me

          The point is what does it matter? There will always be a period that surpasses all prior similar periods — whether it’s warmer than ever before seen, colder than, happens quicker, happens slower. The earth goes through cycles just like everything else in life. I’m not about to panic over something that I know this planet will survive. Extinction is a part of the circle of life, even when it eventually includes humans.

          • Ms. Madam CJ Skywalker

            But do we know the planet will survive?

            • Me

              What’s the harm if it doesn’t?

              • Ms. Madam CJ Skywalker

                Lol. That’s an interestingly dark view to have regarding the planet we currently inhabit.

                • Me

                  It’s life. Everything dies. I just feel like we’re trying to turn temporary into permanent when we all know better than to get that attached. The not so dark side of my logic is that we all keep assuming that if climate changes in a way that’s not advantageous to us, and some of the life forms on this planet don’t survive, that it automatically means Earth will be *worse* off instead of better off. It’s as if to say this place must’ve sucked before we got here, and it’s probably going to suck if we’re not here anymore because we’re the best thing to ever happen. I might think I’m awesome relatively speaking, but damn. I’m just not that vain.

                  • Monica Harris

                    I agree with you which is why I don’t panic over climate change and the eventual end of the world. The denomination of Christianity I was raised in would often teach about end time prophecy. I still believe it. Climate change just might be the way it happens. Even so, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care about how climate change affects the world. Right now, millions have been affected by severe weather changes. Their lives matter so we should do everything we can to prevent these catastrophes while we are alive.

              • Wizznilliam

                The planet does not care about us and will be just fine. The question is the human species. Most people have a sense of self preservation. For self and for our descendants. If you live in Florida, hurricane zones, or drought zones you should be somewhat concerned right now for yourself and family because some affects are already being seen. If not then maybe you don’t care now but at some point someone in your family will care and won’t be able to do anything about it. I don’t too much care about an asteroid hitting the Earth tomorrow and wiping us all out because there is nothing I can really do about that. There are some things that can be done about Climate change right now though. And by “we” I mean humanity. Personally I can’t do much. But I can demand that the people that I vote into powerful positions do something. Maybe they will or maybe they won’t but I do care.

                • Me

                  I’m not bothered by the effects of hurricanes or droughts. Human beings are nomadic. No one is going o stay somewhere toxic (see Hurricane Katrina for reference). I’m ok with you caring, but I don’t. So I tend to be one who votes against climate change initiatives in favor of spending money on other issues that do matter to me. For instance, it didn’t bother me much that the EPA budget was cut under Trump, or that he backed out of the French Climate Agreement.

                  • Wizznilliam

                    Well to each his own I guess.. I care and think that it is important but it is not at the top of my list. I’m much more interested in what politicians have to say about how to help black people’s issues at the moment, like education, healthcare, finances, voting, police, etc.. than anything else. I’m bout tired of hearing about everything else BUT that.. But yea.. somewhere in the middle of the list of stuff I care about is the environment. I would at least want the EPA to have the funds to make sure I clean water, lakes, streams, etc…

        • Aintnuthinwrongwitcornbread

          Mother Nature has ALWAYS sought balance to her ecosystem. She, along with Father Time, are on the greatest winning streak of all time. Unless we show her that we’re committed to working with her to maintain the balance she seeks, she has no problem wiping the planet clean and starting fresh. In fact, she’s already begun her purge seeing as how dwights are seeing lowered fertility rates and increased death rates.

      • Brown Rose

        I’ve been thinking about that for the last 5 years. WE have looted this planet. We are evil to each other. Problem is Billionaire survival preppers and idealists like Musk who only want to save certain humans.

    • Brown Rose

      We gonna die. That’s for sure.

  • “Although climate change has been responsible for melting in other parts of Antarctica, such as the Pine Island Glacier, researchers believe the story on the Antarctic Peninsula is more complicated. “Icebergs are calving all the time in Antarctica, and really that forms part of the natural life cycle of any ice shelf,” Hogg says.”

    http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/07/12/536818782/massive-iceberg-breaks-free-in-antarctica

  • Queen@

    The only Iceberg I recognize is from Miami…. we ain’t got no global warming problems, bruh.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aACyZ8bJUIo

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “we ain’t got no global warming problems, bruh.”

      Denies climate change until Tampa is the new Florida coast. lol

      • Queen@

        I don’t thinketh my wittiness came through… Lol

    • Val

      Coney Island? Not surprised. Once you move away from the beach it’s pretty scary out there.

      • Did not know that, but I am not a New Yorker.

    • Diego Duarte

      Notice how the news article and the interviewed neighbors characterize him as a young man who hung out with the “wrong crowd”. As if White males did not have enough agency to become criminals on their own.

      • Indeed. The boyfriend should have shot them because he was in fear for his life. Or the police could have done it. Basically the only way to stop people like that is by application of superior force. It is what it is.

        • Diego Duarte

          What gets me is he was taller, more muscular and was a retired boxer. He could’ve put them down easily and didn’t because he felt he had to be the bigger man. People do this sh*t to me and I’m beating them within an inch of their life.

          • NotToday

            He probably didn’t want to hurt them b/c he’d definitely have caught charges his damnt self. Or when the police rolled up they would have shot him assuming he was the aggressor. We can’t win.

          • Cleojonz

            Yes, but if the cops rolled up and he was beating them in retaliation, who would they grab or worse shoot?

            • Diego Duarte

              From my understanding of the article the cops were Black. At least it seems to be my read since the assailants called the cops the N word and threatened them.

      • Jae Starz

        I like how they were both released and “ordered to stay away”. Now had that been the other way around…

        • cedriclathan

          Racist attackers rarely spend more than a few hours in jail before being released.

      • Cleojonz

        Those are some REALLY ethnic sounding names attributed to the assailants. Eastern European perhaps? Probably first generation here yet they have the nerve to be so bigoted.

        • Jae Starz

          Definitely Eastern European. They have a very heavy presence in that area. Sadder part is they probably are second generation. smh

          • Cleojonz

            That’s still not far enough removed at all. SMH indeed.

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